I’ve got an illness that involves fever and chills, and it meant canceling fun plans I’d been looking forward to for weeks, so this seems like the perfect state of misery for discussing something I’ve been putting off discussing: dieting.

Do you remember back in 2011 when I wrote about the book Why We Get Fat, by Gary Taubes? Basically he is talking about the keto diet: very low carbohydrate. It took me six years, but I finally put those ideas into action last July. I think it is the longest time I have ever stayed on a diet. I have lost 40-45 pounds (the scale varies from day to day). If I didn’t lose anything else, I would feel very pleased with the results: it’s easier to move, I have fewer aches and pains, and I feel cuter.

One reason I’ve been reluctant to discuss this is because of the way I feel when I am not on a diet and someone else discusses a diet: bad. I feel bad. I don’t want to start dissecting that to find the whys or whatevers, but it makes me feel bad and also distant from that person. And I don’t want to make you feel that way.

Another reason I’ve been reluctant is that, in my own experience, diets never work permanently. I have friends who go in cycles: there will be tons of talk about the amazing success of a diet, with lots of photos; then a period of silence when the diet is not mentioned; then I start seeing photos where they look the same as before they started the diet; then a new batch of talk about the amazing success of a diet—and this goes on for DECADES. And I don’t want to do that, and also I had decided NOT to diet anymore, because I always end up sadder and fatter. So I didn’t want to talk a lot of talk about this diet and then end up embarrassed when it fails. Trying another diet makes me feel verrrrrrry weird and cautious and not particularly happy. I’m geared up already for the strong statistical likelihood that I will eventually gain all the weight back, as most people do, as I always do.

But it’s gone on long enough that it’s starting to feel weird and secretive not to talk about it. WHICH IS NOT TO SAY that I want to do a lot of talking about it: I want to tell you about it, maybe do a follow-up post or two, maybe write about it once in awhile in the future, but NOT end up writing frequently about diets and weight loss. Because that is another thing that gives me bad feelings: when someone I follow starts dieting/exercising, and then their blog basically turns into Nothing But Diet and Exercise and Personal Progress All the Time. So do not worry: the plan is to write a post, and then maybe write about it occasionally, the way I write about anything else that is an occasional-but-not-blog-defining topic.

Here is another reason I haven’t wanted to talk about it: feedback. When someone writes about diets, there are a ton of annoying comments. It’s just a very, very touchy subject, and there are a whole lot of really bad takes on it, and there are a whole lot of people who are not aware of how touchy it is or how annoying their takes are, and this diet is particularly controversial, and also it can be problematic to praise people for losing weight. Ha: is ANYONE going to be able to comment after a paragraph like this? I know I would not risk it, if I were you! But that’s the way things are: when I wrote about this diet before, I had to do a lot of comment-deleting and a lot of lying-awake-having-mental-arguments. That’s the kind of thing that makes a person reluctant to write on the same topic again. I considered closing comments on this post, but the thing is, I also get a lot of GOOD comments; and also, I think bad comments can end up making a good point by negative example (i.e., seeing someone else’s bad take can make someone else realize how poorly that idea comes across, or how much they disagree with it); and also, when I encounter a closed comments section, even if I totally understand the reason for it, it makes me feel like a door got shut in my face. I’m not saying that’s a fair or reasonable reaction.

I DON’T want to explain why I went on this diet, or why I thought it was a good idea, or why I thought the parts that flew in the face of conventional dieting made sense. I’m not going to spend any time at all defending the science or the theories or whatever. If you are interested in that, and/or if the whole concept of this diet makes you feel argumentative, I suggest starting by reading the book I mentioned in the first paragraph.

I DO want to tell you some things I had heard about the diet that turned out not to be true for me:

1. Rapid weight loss. I have lost weight at the exact same pace I always lose weight on a diet: five pounds the first week, and an average of just over a pound a week after that, including the usual plateaus and gains. (I don’t actually think it’s a good idea to lose weight faster than that, and so it is hard to explain why it would be disappointing not to, and yet my guess is that you are nodding your head understandingly.)

2. Normal weight loss, but then with sudden huge amazing drops. No. The few times I had a sudden surprising drop (like, five pounds), it turned out to be temporary: either there was then a five-week plateau, or else the number went back up.

3. Amazing increase in energy / Amazing improvement in mood. I have noticed no overall increase in energy or feeling good, other than the pleasant feelings of having lost some weight and finding it easier to move around.

4. No more cravings. I still crave ice cream and candy and brownies and cake and bread and potatoes. I find I’m better able to NOT eat those things—but I have to have occasional days when I DO eat those things, and I always have to have such a day in the future to look forward to, or else I will lose my fool mind. And I feel pretty sorry for myself about not being able to eat them whenever I want.

One reason this diet is NOT a great fit for me is that ALL MY FAVORITE FOODS are carbohydrates. Some people have long been restricting their intake of fat and bacon and fatty meats and butter, and have been suffering greatly under those restrictions, so this diet is like FREEDOM AND HAPPINESS: all the BAD foods are now GOOD! (I do not think foods should be described in terms of morality, but I can see how the FEELING would be there.) But I don’t feel strongly about any of those foods, and don’t have to think about restricting them because I don’t care very much about them one way or another. I do like butter, sure! But not the way I like BROWNIE SUNDAES. I enjoy bacon now and then, but not the way I enjoy MASHED POTATOES. I don’t even like fatty meats. So for me this diet is free rein to eat all the foods I was already eating freely and never wanted very much of, plus utter restriction of everything I like best. Nevertheless, it is working for me so far.

Alllllll of this is leading up to me writing a keto grocery shopping list. When I first started out, that was what I MOST wanted: just a list of WHAT I SHOULD BUY. One reason it’s hard to find a good one is that it would, of course, be different for everyone. And some people love to cook and experiment and try new recipes, but I do not, and what worked for me was finding a way that I could do this in my same old style of not really cooking much, and eating the same foods over and over again. So this is just MY keto shopping list, of things I like and things I know how to cook, which may be helpful to you or may be completely worthless. I am putting it here partly for your potential benefit, but also because I might go off this diet and then later want to go back on it and not be able to remember what I used to buy.

block of cheddar cheese (not shredded)
block of jalapeño cheddar cheese
colby jack cheese sticks
mozzarella cheese sticks
jalapeño mozzarella cheese sticks
thin-sliced mozzarella from the deli (not pre-sliced in a package)
thin-sliced sharp cheddar from the deli (not pre-sliced in a package)
parmesan or romano or three-cheese blend
any non-shredded, non-pre-sliced cheeses you like
cream cheese
light cream (heavy has fewer carbohydrates but goes bad before I can use it)
sour cream
deli ham
deli turkey
bacon and/or real bacon bits
Perdue Short Cuts carved chicken breast
rotisserie chicken
pepperoni
small boneless half ham (for chunks as opposed to deli slices)
Hillshire Farm Lit’l Beef Franks
ground beef
ground turkey
canned tuna
salmon
any meats you like and know how to cook
eggs—like, so many eggs, like three dozen eggs
butter
olives
dill pickle spears
sweet pickles made with Splenda
mayonnaise (not Miracle Whip)
bouillon or broth
low-carbohydrate salad dressings (varies considerably by type/brand)
Morton Lite salt (or any light salt that has potassium chloride)
Powerade Zero
sugar-free Jell-o
coffee
almond flour
Joseph’s Flax, Oat Bran, and Whole Wheat Lavash bread
Joseph’s reduced-carbohydrate pita bread
Tostitos Queso Blanco dip
Taco Bell Bold and Creamy Chipotle sauce
mixed nuts, lower-carbohydrate blends
raw unsalted almonds
roasted salted almonds
raw pecans (I like to toast them, which makes them a tiny bit sweet)
creamy peanut butter
crunchy peanut butter
Barney crunchy almond butter (expensive)
frozen broccoli
raw spinach
celery
vodka
gin
brandy

A shorter, more flexible way to write this list would be:

cheese
eggs
butter
meat
nuts
low-carbohydrate vegetables
low-carbohydrate booze

That’s how I think of my list if I don’t have it with me, or if I’m trying to figure out what to eat.

I would like to know, to the extent to which you would like to tell me, where you like to do social good with MONEY. That is, I know some of you volunteer your time and/or skills, and some of you use your position/power to pull other people up, and some of you write letters and make calls and circulate petitions, and some of you fundraise, and some of you coordinate workplace efforts that benefit the community, and some of you loan your possessions, and there are lots of other good non-money ways to do good—but right now I am only wondering about the things you do that involve giving away your own actual money. Well, or things that involve giving away items you have to buy with your own actual money, such as if you buy diapers and donate them, or if you buy presents to donate to a family at the holidays.

If you would like to discuss it (and feel free to go anonymous: the comment form asks for an email address, but it accepts fake ones), this would be a very useful place to mention some of the ways you yourself were helped at a time in your life when you needed it. Paul and I were extremely helped by a local, non-government program that helps to pay dental expenses for children: Rob was about six, and we were so strapped for cash we weren’t going to the dentist, and a school dental screening showed Rob had several small cavities. There was no way we could pay for that, but there was a fund, and there was a matter-of-fact person running the fund, and she matter-of-factly connected us to a dentist and paid the bill, and also arranged for him to have sealants (sealants are an excellent example of “it’s more expensive to be poor”: not being able to afford them can lead to expensive dental problems). I can get weepy just thinking about it.

This is a fine moment to mention charities you like, but I am particularly interested in other ideas. Here are some of the neat ones I’ve seen:

• donating money to a school, asking them to use it to help pay off lunch-account debts

• donating money to a library, asking them to use it to help pay off fines and lost-material fees (the library SHOULD be the perfect resource for people without much money—but anyone’s kid can accidentally lose a book, and some libraries won’t let you check out anything else until the fines are paid down, or a family might be embarrassed to keep being asked at check-out if they will be paying off their account)

• donating money to an auto mechanic, asking them to put it toward someone who needs help paying for a repair

• donating money to a vet, asking them to put it toward someone who needs help paying for a treatment

• buying pants/underpants on good clearances for the school nurse’s office; the nurse can use them for kids who have an accident or a muddy fall, but nurses are also in a good position to find a way to discreetly get the clothes to kids who may need them

• buying backpacks on good clearances in the fall, and donating them in early summer to local welfare groups who collect such things

• buying winter outerwear on good post-season clearances, and donating them in the fall to local welfare groups who collect such things

• buying the really-good-sale foods at your grocery store each week, having them bagged separately, dropping those bags in the donation bins on your way out

• banding together with a group (church, social, work) to put together a scholarship for a local high school senior (when Rob was a senior, there were a lot of scholarships in the $500 range)

But I am not ONLY interested in creative/non-traditional ideas. I want to hear ALL of them: one person’s “well, this isn’t creative or interesting, but I…” is another person’s “OH, I hadn’t thought of doing that, but it really appeals to me!” Also, I hope I don’t need to say this, but let’s be on the safe side and say it anyway: this is not the place to criticize other people’s methods of giving. That is, I don’t want to see a link to that article that tells people to stop donating food to food banks, even though food banks are asking for food donations. I don’t know about you, but that kind of thing makes me want to give up and do nothing.

Paul and I went out for a Valentine’s Day dinner last night (to avoid crowds/reservations on the actual day), and that is probably how we’ll celebrate the holiday from now on. It makes me feel like we Did Something for Valentine’s Day, and also gives me an answer if friends ask. We each ordered a fancy cocktail from a menu that didn’t have prices (why do cocktail menus so rarely have prices? is the answer “because if they had prices, no one would pay $12 for a cocktail”?) and after dinner we ordered a dessert sampler.

I wish to further discuss the dessert sampler, because on one hand it was amusingly overpriced (for that money we could have instead purchased four half-gallons of mid-grade ice cream plus the family-size bottle of Hershey’s syrup and a canister of real whipped cream), but on the other hand it was perfectly priced: expensive enough to feel like doing something special. Also, I hardly ever have room for dessert after eating out (I will eat the entire bread basket and all my dinner and some of yours too), but I always WANT to have room for dessert, so it is a very nice way to get just the right amount of dessert. Also, I was happy to get to try samples of several different things, instead of having to choose just one. (Perhaps that last one is the wrong sentiment for a Valentine’s Day dinner.)

And wouldn’t a “coffee and dessert sampler” date be a fun early-dating date?? You could adjust the intimacy level fairly easily, either by splitting the number of samples so you each choose and eat your own, or else by getting all different samples and then sharing them. MY SPOON IS WHERE YOUR SPOON WAS <3 <3 <3

I would also like to say that more restaurants should have dessert samplers. So if you are in charge of making that kind of decision at a restaurant, or you are in a position to influence someone who is, could you get on that please.

Some love songs to mark the day:

Adore – Amy Shark

Never Enough – Loren Allred

Rewrite the Stars – Zac Efron and Zendaya

A Thousand Years – Christina Perri

Worlds Apart – Joshua Radin

Beautiful Soul – Jesse McCartney

Rhythm of Love – Plain White T’s

Always – Yoon Mirae

Hold Each Other – A Great Big World ft. Futuristic

For the Longest Time – Billy Joel

I had a dream last night that women were being forced to use the language of consent for whatever men asked them to do. I saw a man with his hand on a woman’s throat, holding her against a wall, saying, “I will only touch you if it’s okay with you. Is it okay with you?”—and pressing her neck harder against the wall until she said it was okay. A woman who was already with a man was safe from other men, because of what men had decided was honorable male behavior toward women. Paul and I were in a museum and got separated, and I was getting that cold nightmare feeling because a man had approached me and I couldn’t find Paul; I put the man off with a light remark, but he was starting to get closer and angrier and louder.

Things are not great right now in the waking world, either. There are a lot of people who are having a lot of trouble understanding that even though they themselves feel comfortable and safe from assault, and even though they themselves believe they would not assault someone else, those two things combined don’t mean everything is fine for everyone, and that all other people can also feel comfortable and safe. Even some really great people are saying things like, “This whole thing is getting out of hand”—referring not, as you’d like to expect, to the vast number of assaults, but only to the REPORTING of the assaults. The REPORTING OF ASSAULTS is getting out of hand, they’re saying. Like: in order to improve the situation, reduce the reporting.

I have thought a lot about this, and I think it must be that some people’s brains are jumping over a tricky spot: the spot where “hearing about it less” does not equal “happening less.” The brain is saying, “Listen: until recently, you and I did not think very much about how many people-unlike-us were being assaulted. It is very, very uncomfortable now to think about how oblivious we were to the really bad things people-like-us were doing to people-unlike-us. It is also very, very uncomfortable to feel as if we are being accused just because it was people-like-us who were doing the things, and WE are people-like-us. BEFORE people-unlike-us were making all these reports, we felt pretty good: we didn’t know, we didn’t think about it, we didn’t have these bad feelings in response. If we went back to not hearing about it so much, things would go back to how they were Before, and we would feel pretty good again.”

Here is why we need people to stop thinking that way: people committing assaults don’t listen to the objections of the people they’re assaulting. Of COURSE the people being assaulted don’t like it! In order to assault people, you have to already NOT CARE that they don’t like it. Change happens when the people who are NOT being assaulted, people in the same group as the assaulters but who do not assault or approve of the assault, stand up for the people who ARE being assaulted. People listen to people-like-us, not to people-unlike-us. It is a well-known and understandable phenomenon of human psychology and, like the bystander effect, even just KNOWING about it can be enough to break it.

People who feel accused of assault but are not participating in assault: YOU ARE THE ONES WITH THE POWER TO CHANGE THIS SITUATION. Currently a lot of that power is being diverted and wasted. Some people’s brains are channeling it all into self-defense: “I’M not doing this! Why do we have to judge ALL of us based on the actions of a FEW?” Some people’s brains are going further and channeling it into attacking the accusers or finding ways to defend the assaulters; that is such a sad and upsetting response to suffering, I don’t even want to think about it or talk about it anymore. Some people’s brains are channeling the energy into wishing it would all go away. Here is how some of it could actually go away: if the people with power use that power to defend the people being assaulted, rather than using it to defend themselves or the assaulters.

I emailed Rob to ask if he was for sure coming home for Spring Break and if I should therefore go ahead and buy the bus tickets (there is a great students-only bus with free Wifi that drives kids almost all the way to our house)—and he said actually, a college friend who is also from our town offered him a ride home.

So, okay, let’s not discuss how this compares to the nice safe rental bus that is very high off the ground and is driven by a professional and has a chaperone on board. Let’s not address how much more anxious I will be while he is traveling. Let’s avoid picturing the two teenagers getting into a “STAHP it, no YOU stahp it!” slap fight while driving, ending in fiery death. Or falling asleep while driving because they stayed up until 3:00 in the morning, ending in fiery death. Or being inexperienced drivers, ending in fiery death. Let’s snort together as we dismiss Paul’s argument that this is like the anxiety felt on the first day Rob went to kindergarten: on the first day of kindergarten, I was not LEGITIMATELY ANXIOUS ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF FIERY DEATH.

Let’s instead discuss what are the right things for Rob to do, in order to cover his share of this trip. Should he pay half of the gas? All of the gas, since the other student is putting all the miles on her car? Should he treat for meals (they’ll be stopping for two meals, probably)? What is The Right Way? What is The Fair Thing?

I was going to take a minute to complain about the airplane tickets that changed price by hundreds of dollars as I was trying to pay for them, but eh. I’m wearing a cozy cardigan, and everything worked out fine in the end, and I guess I’m not in the mood for complaining about it now.

I sent Rob a care package this morning, with a Valentine’s Day emphasis. You know what, actually I am in the mood for complaining, just not about plane tickets. I want to complain about Valentine’s Day. Paul and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, which makes me a little sad every year because I really like the holiday (pretty colors, flowers/lace/hearts, chocolate everywhere, a brief break from the long joyless winter), but we tried it for a number of years and it just doesn’t work out with anyone feeling happy about it. And I am so easy to buy for! Here is what I want: a pretty, heart-shaped box of nice chocolates. That’s it! That’s not so high-maintenance! Well. I guess also I want it purchased not at the last minute, and without a cranky, burdened attitude, and without a heavy “WHAT is it you want, again?” sigh, and perhaps that is too picky FOR SOME. And lest you are thinking, “Well GEEZ, Swistle, maybe he just wants to have his own romantic idea for a Valentine’s Day gift and you are STIFLING him by acting like you’re PLACING AN ORDER! SOME people don’t go in for TRITE CLICHÉD CONSUMERISM, you know!,” rest assured that the specific request is at his specific request: he absolutely did not want to think of his own idea. And he is a fine, fine man in many other ways, and if a once-a-year traditionally-romantic gift was so important to me I could have married my high-school boyfriend, but instead I wanted smart and funny (oh snap high school boyfriend) and this particular Smart/Funny came equipped with “responding amiably/amusingly to irritable comments rather than allowing them to start a fight” instead of “buying heart-shaped things,” and it’s still a trade I’m willing to make. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get to complain. And he can go ahead and complain to HIS friends about whatever it is he thinks it would be nice if I’d do.

Anyway, now I concentrate on the non-romantic parts of the holiday: valentines for the kids; buying/making heart-shaped foods; contributing heart-shaped paper plates to the elementary-school parties; appreciating the cute elementary-school classroom exchanges; buying my own pretty, heart-shaped box(es) of nice chocolates at 50% off on February 15th. This is our last year of having a kid in elementary school, so that’s a little sad.

Where was I? Oh, yes: care package. What the kids have wanted every single year is those giant 7-ounce Hershey Kisses. At our Target they are only sold in teacher-themed packaging, but the children say they do not care, so that’s what they get every year. (I have heard that some other stores have the giant Kisses without the teacher theme, and if the kids cared I would investigate that option.) I put one of those in Rob’s care package. Also, I have been buying the Valentine’s-Day-themed Hostess and Little Debbie snack cakes for the kids to have as February-leading-up-to-Valentine’s-Day treats, and I set aside one little cakey from each box to put in the care package. Also Valentine’s Day Tic-Tacs, Valentine’s Day Junior Mints, a Valentine’s Day Hershey bar, a tube of Valentine’s Day M&Ms, and Valentine’s Day Sweetarts. For non-Valentine’s-Day-related stuff, I put in a box of cereal bars, a box of granola bars, a pocket pack of tissues, two of his favorite pens (I bought a box of 12, and I parcel them out at the approximate rate I think he’ll lose them), a few ziploc baggies and clothespins (so handy!), a miniature bottle of Tabasco sauce, a package of beef jerky, a package of cough drops, a tin of Altoids.

A friend invited me to go see The Greatest Showman, and I knew nothing about it except that it was about Barnum and/or Bailey, so I figured it was a pretty safe bet: if nothing else, there would be good circus scenes. Things I didn’t realize until I arrived at the theater:

1. It’s a musical
2. Hugh Jackman is in it
3. My friend had already seen it: she invited me right after seeing it the first time. Like, from the parking lot.

I liked it. As expected, there were good circus scenes. There were also some good big musical numbers with lots of stuff happening: trapeze artists! lions! flames! stomping! clapping! And there were a couple sweet songs. And two good power ballads. I would be happy to see it again. And I might end up doing so: as the credits rolled, my friend said, “Same time tomorrow?” It was a good one to see in the theater, because of all the big/colorful/loud scenes.

I would like to see more movies. It’s an activity that ties in beautifully with my dabbling goals. For example, since seeing The Greatest Showman I have:

1. Asked Alexa to play me the soundtrack while I made dinner
2. Looked up the actress who plays Jenny Lind (I still don’t know why she seems familiar)
3. Looked up the singer who sings Never Enough (Loren Allred)
4. Thought of the song Never Enough reminds me of (Already Gone, by Kelly Clarkson) and listened to it
5. Looked up the actress/singer who plays Anne Wheeler (Zendaya)
6. Felt interested in finding out why this story about Barnum doesn’t mention Bailey
7. Thought about how glad I was that what seemed like [spoiler] was actually [spoiler]
8. Felt interested in learning more about Jenny Lind

It gives me renewed Interest in Things. It’s a good way to counteract January.

I am on Season Two of The Crown. It is difficult to gauge what is a spoiler when a show is based on actual history. I was never good at history so it’s all spoilers to me. I mean, I know Queen Elizabeth has a son called Charles, I did know that. But I have to be careful not to search online to find out, for example, why that photographer looks so familiar (it’s because he was also in Downton Abbey) because when I do, I see little bits of history that would have been a complete surprise to me two episodes later.

Anyway. I just watched the episode where Charles goes away to school at Gordonstoun. It’s so well done, I think: you can absolutely see how great the school was for Prince Philip and why he wants Charles to go there so intensely that he can justify being an absolute dick about it, and you can even see how it MIGHT have ended up well for Charles too—while also seeing that it was an experiment that should have been discontinued after the first year and better yet even sooner, and that Prince Philip should have noticed that he and Charles are VERY DIFFERENT TEMPERAMENT TYPES with very different issues to work through, so what was good for one of them would not necessarily be good for the other of them. Plus, Prince Philip does not give evidence of being a really superior person, so perhaps he should not over-credit the effect his school experience had on his character.

It all gives a parent a lot to think about, is what I’m saying.

Speaking of spoilers/history, this show makes me want to read biographies and history books to get more information about that time and these people. Do you have any you’d recommend? Probably I’d want to start with a biography of Queen Elizabeth, since I now love her. I am also interested in reading more about Princess Margaret, and eventually I want to read more about Prince Charles.