Haircut; Protest

I am getting ready for a trip to visit my parents (if you recall, they live half the year in the same town as me, and half the year quite far away), and yesterday evening I hit the sweet spot of stress-turning-to-energy and got a ton done. I was tearing around the house handling things left and right: some specifically travel-related stuff, but also the In Case of Death stuff I do because when I travel outside my usual range I feel like it’s pretty likely I’ll die, and if that happens I want everyone to be totally caught up on clean laundry.

In the midst of all that, and in that heightened state, I cut my own hair. I know there are people who always cut their own hair and it’s merely practical and not at all alarming, but for me it is a little alarming: it was not a calm, practical thing, but more of an “impulsively grabbing half my hair and sawing off a handful with scissors, and then grabbing the other half and doing the same thing” thing. This morning when I woke up and saw all the hair in the trash, my eyebrows went way up at my last-night self. On the other hand, it is a huge relief to have it shorter (it had hit the length where it felt like a heavy, tangled burden), and I wear my hair twisted/bunned up so do I really need to pay $25 to have someone else cut a straight three inches off the bottom? Perhaps I will do it this way from now on. It came out really well. I will probably need to snip a few weird pieces here and there after I wash it (right now I am in my pajamas taking advantage of the quiet house before everyone else gets up), but just flipping it this way and that and looking at it in the mirror I don’t see anything that looks like a pre-travel-stressed woman did it to herself. So overall I’m pleased.

I went to another march/rally last weekend, and it was very different than the first one I went to. The first time, I went to one in a big city, and it was just like those news photos you see where people are packing the streets. This time I went to one in a much smaller and nearer city, and it was not at all the same thing; and if imagining being in those news photos fills you with dread, it might be much more your thing.

Just for starters, there were probably 500 people at most, spread loosely over an area that could have handled ten times that number. Saying it was “much less crowded” would be an amusing understatement. But that meant I felt much more foolish joining in with chants, songs, etc: it felt as if everyone around me could clearly hear me, rather than my voice disappearing into a vast noise. Also, while the crowd was large for the area and so was still encouraging, seeing a scattered bunch of people in a nice park was nowhere near as encouraging as seeing more people than I ever see, filling streets where people don’t usually stand. This felt more like the times my childhood church would hold an outdoor service.

On the other hand, there was ample free parking and cleanish bathrooms and I didn’t have to figure out public transportation, and it didn’t take me half the day to get there and back. And there was zero feeling that anyone could get trampled or put in prison. There were no helicopters. We could see the stage and hear all the speakers talking.

Overall, I preferred the giant crowd and the helicopters; and even though last time I was so nervous about the subway, the subway ended up being part of the whole thing: seeing all those people cramming in, all of us on our way to the protest! (Plus, I could follow them instead of using a map.) But if you hate the whole idea of the crowd/helicopters/subway, I strongly recommend one of the smaller satellite locations: quieter, easier, more spacious, less fraught, but you still get to participate.

Inviting Others To Join a Group; Getting Yourself Into a Group

I wish there were an easier way to invite a woman on her own to join a group of chatting women at a place such as the swimming pool or a school event or kindergarten pick-up or the park or whatever. I know from experience and from other people’s reported experiences that sometimes a woman is standing there feeling isolated but with no idea how to JOIN. And sometimes a group looks like a cohesive, established, everyone-is-best-friends group when actually it’s a mishmash of some people who know each other well and some people who only know one other person but only just met the rest and some people who didn’t know anyone else until it turned out their kids were friends. And sometimes a group, for whatever reason they think they can justify, is not welcoming to a person who tries to join—but you don’t want to hang out with them anyway.

I saw someone pull off a “Join us!” successfully the other day at the pool, but she knew the other woman somewhat even though the rest of us didn’t. She was like “Jen! Come join us!” And Jen joined us. But there were two other women, each on their own, casting looks at our group that seemed to me to communicate a wish to be part of it, but none of us knew either of them, and of course maybe they wouldn’t WANT to join us or were too busy watching their kids to make sure they didn’t drown. There didn’t seem to be any good way to find out, was the problem I wish I could have solved.

I had several methods for getting myself on the inside of these groups, in case you are wondering.

1. Initiate conversation with other people standing on their own. Joining a group cold turkey can be difficult-to-impossible if you don’t know anyone in it. A single person is an easier nut to crack IF they are also standing there wishing to be included. If you can leap the hurdle of “being the first to say something” (and it IS a hurdle, especially at first when you’re not used to it; I had to pretend I was someone who found it easy), routinely approaching other people who are also on their own means you soon know a whole lot of people, if only lightly. Don’t underestimate the “knowing someone enough to say hi to” category of acquaintances: that’s an important stage. Pretty soon you will start standing in groups with those people, either because some of you form your own group or because you’ll see them in groups with other people and they’ll call you over.

Initiating a conversation with someone new is easier, I’ve found, in situations where there is very limited time: for example, while waiting to pick up the kids after kindergarten. It’s harder if it’s a big school social event, or if you’re at the pool or park, because then if the other person does not seem to want to talk to you, you have to find a way to get away from them; if it’s just five minutes until the kids come out, all you have to do is wait in silence for that to happen, and then not approach that person again. (If it IS at a longer-term thing, I use my kids as an excuse. I stand there pretending not to feel awkward for a minute, and then I say, as if something’s just caught my eye, “Whoops, I better go see what going on there. See ya!” Then I go over to my child and put my hand on their upper arm and say something like, “Remember we’re leaving in half an hour” so it looks as if I had a stern talk with them.)

The limited-time sort of situation also makes it easier to invite others to join a group. In the days of waiting around at kindergarten pick-up, sometimes I might be talking to Jen and Melissa, another day to Tracy and Jess and Alison; another day I might arrive before anyone else I knew. So if I was on my own and I saw someone on their own, I could just wait casually nearby and make a casual opening remark: “Which one is yours?” is a good one when kids are involved, or “Which teacher does yours have?” If she seemed eager to talk, we could keep talking; and the next day, if I was talking in a group but saw her arrive, I could say, “Oh hi! We’re discussing the new first-grade teachers,” and then she could take that as an invitation to join in if she wanted to. (Telling someone else what the rest of us are talking about is my number one best strategy for inviting. I highly recommend it.)

When Rob was in kindergarten and I had to wait for him every day, that was when I started doing all these things. I figured it like this: I am standing here wishing we were not in a big awkward group where a few of us seem like besties and the rest of us stand in awkward silence. I would like it if someone would talk to me. So I will work on the assumption that some of these other people want that too—and that if they don’t, we’re only standing here for five minutes until the kids come out, so it’s not a big imposition on them for me to make that mistake. Each day I would stand near someone else and make a comment about the weather or something. I know people say they hate small talk but it is the absolute best way to test the waters: if someone doesn’t want to talk to you and you say, “Wow, sure is hot!” they’ll say “Mm, sure is” and go back to looking over at those trees. But if they DO want to talk and have been standing there feeling lonely and awkward and like they have no idea how to make friends, they’ll say “OH I KNOW! It is SO HOT! I am DYING!”—and then off you go, having a conversation like real people who are not at all socially anxious!

 

You may remember I was making a list. All of that was #1, apparently. “Initiate conversation with other people standing on their own,” if you don’t want to scroll up.

2. Say hi to people. This one is especially good if it’s too hard to initiate conversation, or if everyone is being so silent you don’t know who to sidle up to. Instead it goes like this: You arrive to kindergarten pick-up, a few people glance up, you say “Hi!” Optionally, when more people arrive, you glance up and say “Hi!” That’s all. Pretty soon it changes the group: people get used to saying hi to each other as each person arrives, and the whole atmosphere is more primed for people to start talking. Or at the pool: when I joined the section of parents waiting while their kids took swimming lessons, I would say “Hi!” Maybe the first day you do it you surprise someone and they say “Oh!…uh, hi!” or they say NOTHING because they’re snobby or more likely because they’re thinking “Did she say hi to me?? Ug, what if she was talking to someone else, and then I say hi back and it’s super awkward??,” or something else happens that makes you feel you bungled it, but you do it enough days and people get fully used to it, and then they start feeling like they know you, and you start feeling like you know them, and pretty soon someone will start a conversation. Or some of them will say hi and then look pointedly down at their book, and you will know they are using these minutes to have some peace and quiet, but saying hi didn’t ruin that for them, and now you have the valuable information that they are not feeling left out and hoping for someone to chat with.

Saying bye to people can do the same thing but without any need for follow-up lines. Let’s say you stand there awkwardly on a Friday afternoon, and then your child emerges and you can leave. Turn your face back to the group as you leave and say “Bye everybody! Have a good weekend!” Again, the first time you do it, it may catch some people off-guard. But if you persist, you work steadily on building a culture where it is easier for everyone to talk to each other, and where people feel as if they know you. Meanwhile you are out of there before people have to see you stammer or blush, and so you come across all confident and friendly and socially relaxed.

 

3. Accidentally become friends with someone who knows everybody. My newish friend Morgan knows EVERYBODY. I was at the pool and I saw her, and she was like “Hi hi hi!! Oh do you know my friend Katie?” and then I lightly knew Katie, and then their friend Michelle came over and joined us and then I lightly knew Michelle, and then Michelle called Jen over and then I lightly knew Jen, and then there I was standing in a girl gang at the pool, hanging out with other women complaining about our children and how hot it was outside, admiring the pedicure of the one woman who had one, talking about where to get the best swimsuits, talking about what things we’d signed the kids up for this summer. Basically living the In A Group dream, when half an hour ago I only knew Morgan! But I ended up in a group, because Morgan knows everyone and naturally forms groups. And now I kind of know Katie and Michelle and Jen, so if I see them next time I will feel more comfortable joining their group. But this is what got me thinking I wish there was an easier way to invite others.

One more note: if you’re a socially anxious person, you may find that even once you’re good at joining groups, you don’t feel the way you thought people in groups were feeling. They all looked so happy and confident and close, but maybe you still feel kind of awkward, and maybe you’re still worrying about things, and maybe the bonds all feel more casual than you expected. For a lot of people, this is so normal: it’s only from the outside that a group appears to have been close friends for many decades. From the inside, you can see that sometimes a group is just a bunch of near-strangers who know each other lightly and know how to form a chatty group at public events. You may decide you actually prefer to hang out on your own without the social pressure.

Shaving Training

I have several related questions, and I have forgotten at least one of them, but we are going to proceed with the ones I remember and we’ll see how that goes.

Here is the basic topic: I have a 13-year-old daughter.

And here is the basic thing I am wondering about: leg/underarm shaving.

Oh! I remember the third thing! It was about looking for recommendations for books teenagers can consult to find answers to their own questions, without having to ask parents or rely on the iffy knowledge of friends. Let’s save that one for another day, actually, because I think we have quite enough for one morning, and because I want to make a Reference Post of the other topic so we have all those recommendations in one place. If you put them in THIS post, and then I write the OTHER post, you might feel as if you already said it and don’t want to say it again, and then we’ll lose that valuable input.

In my own childhood, I was very keen to be a teenager and I got ahead of things by reading a lot of books about/for teenagers, and subscribing to Seventeen and Teen and Sassy. So, for example, I was the one who told my mom it was time for me to start using deodorant, and I asked to be taught to shave my legs and then explored other methods (my mom still uses the Epilady I bought with babysitting money and used for 20 seconds), and I was making my own appointments at hair salons and getting my hair feathered, and I was counting days until I was allowed to wear make-up. (I should mention that now, as an adult, I am no longer nearly as interested in hair/make-up.)

Elizabeth is not the same sort of child. She does paint her nails. She has strong opinions about her hair (LONG with BANGS, no she does NOT want to grow the bangs out, stop ASKING her). She has strong opinions about her clothes and is irritated that now that she is 5’6″ it is harder to find shirts with good pictures on them, or shorts in pink and purple and turquoise, or jeans with embroidery. With the possible-but-not-necessarily exception of the nails (MANY little girls like nail polish), those are all still indications of CHILD mode. She does not look for teen books/magazines, she does not ask to wear make-up, she does not have posters of attractive celebrity teenagers on her walls. She does not fuss with her hair or spend much time looking in the mirror.

Here is what I am nervously working up toward discussing with you:

1. She gives all indications of identifying as female.
2. We live in a society where most women shave their legs/underarms.
3. Our particular city is a place where ALL women appear to do so.
4. She is not making her own move to do so.
5. At some point, am I supposed to cue her to do so?

It is swimming pool season, is what I am saying. And I know in some areas of the country, there are LOTS of women with body hair, and that is good and natural and I’m glad to see it. At my own particular swimming pool: NONE grown women or teen girls with natural underarm hair. Literally none. I have seen literally not a single one, and we moved here when Rob was under a year old.

So. If you are a woman who has natural body hair, and your partner loves it, and your daughters are being raised to have natural body hair, and you couldn’t care less what society thinks, then that is LOVELY and also it is a different discussion. You will need to switch your problem-solving minds to Swistle Mode, where the circumstances are different on every point and there is an issue to be solved within those circumstances.

What I don’t want to do is rush her into teen stuff. What I also don’t want to do is leave her untaught and open to remarks. She tends to be embarrassed about this kind of thing, and I don’t want her to be stuck having to ask me for training or figure it out on her own if she doesn’t want to. And I don’t want it to be a nasty remark at the swimming pool that motivates her to start shaving. I would much prefer it to be just a normal thing, like when I said it was time to start wearing a bralette, or time to start wearing deodorant.

It’s just, I don’t know if shaving is the same category or not. Like, I would not say, “It is time for me to teach you how to wear make-up” or “It is time for you to get a fashionable haircut” or “It is time to start consulting magazines about what you should wear.” Underarm/leg-shaving is not exactly in the hygiene category, not exactly in the fashion category. That is: our society in general and my part of the country in particular would say it is hygiene, but I am worried about promoting that view when it is actually fashion. (If it were hygiene, most men would also shave their underarms and legs.) And yet I don’t want to try to make my child the vanguard for social change, at her own expense. Nor do I want to make a Big Deal about this. (Too late.) And I want to make sure she has the information/materials to make her own choices about it.

Oh! I have had an idea. What if I say to her something like, “So listen: in our culture many women start shaving their underarms and legs once they hit their teen years. You’re a teenager now, so I want to show you how and where the supplies are, in case you want to do that.” And I could go over other options I’ve tried, which might make for an entertaining talk while she’s trapped in the car. How about something like that? Does that seem like it gives her the information without pressuring her to do it? I could add a little rant about hygiene vs. fashion.

While we’re on the topic: if you shave underarms/legs, how did you start? Did a parent tell you to, or teach you to? Did friends start doing it, so you started doing it too? Did you get the idea from teen books/magazines, as I’m pretty sure I did?

Father’s Day Report

After Mother’s Day, for which Paul regressed to his pre-prefrontal-cortex early 20s and said “She’s not MY mother” and he and the children did literally nothing, many of us, including me, were wondering what I might do for Father’s Day. There were so many satisfying, vengeful options to consider.

Here is what I decided: That even if Paul shrugs off his parental duty to teach the children to celebrate Mother’s Day, I’m not going to retaliate by shrugging off my parental duty to teach the children to celebrate Father’s Day. That in fact, if one parent is going to model selfishness and thoughtlessness, the other parent needs to STEP IT UP on those topics, however unfair that seems, if there is any hope of avoiding raising selfish, thoughtless jerks. And that if by doing this, I could passive-aggressively point out to the children and Paul that Mother’s Day had been done very poorly indeed, and teach them to do better in the future, then that would be a bonus.

Five days before Father’s Day, I began. I mentioned to the children in an enthusiastic voice that Father’s Day was the upcoming Sunday. I asked if they had thought of what they wanted to do for it. I told them they should let me know in plenty of time if they needed help/money from me. I gave some suggestions, based on things they would know their dad likes/wants:

making him a card
offering to go out and get a box of doughnuts
vacuuming out his car
shaking out his car’s floor mats
taking his car through a car wash (I’d pay)
taking his car to fill with gasoline (I’d pay)
sweeping the living room without being asked
cleaning up the living room without being asked
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
vacuuming the stairs
doing any of the other little things Paul usually tells them to do, but without being asked

After I’d mentioned the importance of thinking about the person and what THEY might like, Rob said scoffingly, “Or instead, we could just ask him what he wants?” Well, I said. Parents spend EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR telling children what to do. So part of the gift is DOING THE THING YOU KNOW THE PARENT WANTS YOU TO DO but without the parent having to ask this time; part of the gift is THE BREAK FROM HAVING TO ASK. Part of the gift is THINKING ABOUT WHAT THE PARENT MIGHT WANT, rather than forcing them to tell you AS PER USUAL.

Rob played into my hands again. He said “We didn’t do anything for Mother’s Day, did we?”—with a tone of so-why-are-we-suddenly-doing-this. And I said no, we hadn’t, and I pretended to misinterpret the gist of his question. I said that although it was tempting to get revenge on Dad by doing the same for Father’s Day, since I blamed him to some extent for not organizing the children into action, that I didn’t think that would be right—and that it would sacrifice a valuable teaching opportunity for the children. Rob said he didn’t think it would be revenge, he thought it would just be a step (“in the right direction,” his tone added) toward letting these “minor holidays” go uncelebrated. I did not cry or scream, even though his continued use of Tone made it tempting. Well, I said, I didn’t think so; I said that it had been pretty sucky to spend Mother’s Day seeing pictures on Facebook of all my friends doing Mother’s Day things with their families. So I didn’t think doing less was the answer. There was a significant pause.

Rob tried to blame Paul but quickly petered out, like he could tell there was no leg to stand on there. He brought up that he had ASKED Paul about Mother’s Day. I said, yes. And that I’d heard him ask, and that I’d heard Paul say “She’s not MY mother,” and that that was wrong and sad and here’s why, and here’s how Paul could have presented the same concept in a very different and useful way (“Well, she’s your mother; what do YOU think we should do?”). But. That the essence of what Paul had been saying was: It’s YOUR job to figure this out. Because she’s YOUR mother. Pointed look.

Rob wrote something down in a notebook. “I’m making a note to do something next year,” he said.

Lest you celebrate his change of heart: after all this, he let Father’s Day go by without doing anything. He went to work mid-afternoon, having done nothing at all. Despite discussion. Despite follow-up questions/reminders. Despite a sad face and personal testimony and a significant pause.

Mid-morning (while Rob was still asleep—he’s working second shift) is when I reminded the other children. “Are you remembering it’s Father’s Day?,” I asked them. “Are you all set? Do you need anything from me?” Sometimes I made sure that we were having these whispered conversations near enough to Paul that he would be aware that they were going on.

Mid-afternoon is when a low simmering anger kicked in. “You ungrateful wretches,” I didn’t say. “You horrible, selfish, spoiled beasts,” I didn’t add. “Where have we gone so wrong in our parenting?,” I didn’t wonder aloud. “How many of your future partners will blame ME for this?,” I didn’t speculate aloud. I did not scream or cry, or get in the car and keep driving away from these terrible people who are apparently younger versions of their father.

“It’s mid-afternoon; what are you PLANNING?,” I did in fact ask. “Come on, you’re running out of time!,” I did add. When I got shrugs, when William said “I haven’t done anything for Father’s Day since 6th grade,” when some of the kids started seriously arguing to me that OTHERS of the kids hadn’t done anything, that’s when I gave the rage a little leash. “This is one of two days a year we ask you to think of someone other than your own self,” I said. “Thinking of what to do is PART OF THE GIFT,” I said. “YOU are supposed to be thinking about Dad and what he might like,” I added. “I gave you ideas, and I gave them to you FIVE DAYS AGO,” I hissed. “Do something, do ANYTHING, but DO NOT LET THIS DAY JUST SLIP AWAY UNCELEBRATED,” I said with my hair smoking gently, lit with resentment about Mother’s Day and now new fresh resentment about Father’s Day.

When even that failed to yield results, I considered not telling you about it. It makes things look better on me and on the children if I have eager, willing, generous, easily-led children, and if all Paul needed to do was nudge/help the poor confused dears instead of thwarting/stunting them. It looks badly on me and on the children if I cannot kindly and easily coax them into lifting a pinky finger for their father. I hope you are empathetic enough to realize that this does not mean I want other people to say critical things about my children. I assume you and I can exchange A Look about it, possibly a CONCERNED Look, and have that be enough.

Eventually, with increased incredulous effort and sustained hissing, I achieved grudging results. One child cleaned the bathroom sink/counter, even though Paul does not particularly value that chore—but at least the thought/effort was there, and it was the child’s own thought/idea. One child brought out a card he had made at school but had not previously mentioned for some inexplicable reason. I coerced the other two children to come outside with me and work on Paul’s car: we shook out the floor mats and vacuumed the floor and threw away trash.

I gave Paul two presents, even though he is not my father. One was four pairs of Pair of Thieves socks from Target; they have this new line that costs EIGHT UNITED STATES DOLLARS PER PAIR for plain solid-colored socks, and because they changed colors the old colors were 70% off, so I got him four pairs to try. I’d also noticed recently that his favorite measuring-cup device had gotten badly chipped, so I replaced it with a new one.

Also, all day I kept up with dishes and getting them washed and/or into the dishwasher, because I know he doesn’t like having dirty dishes piling up on the counter. I washed a difficult dish he’d left to soak in the sink instead of leaving it for him to deal with. At the grocery store I made sure to get him the things he likes. I vacuumed the stairs because none of the kids did it and it really needed doing. I took care of several other things. It occurred to me that one reason he doesn’t think to do things like this to please me is that maybe he doesn’t notice/care when I do these things to please him. I tried not to think about that.

Sunday is one of the nights of the week when he cooks, so I thought about offering to take over that task for him, even though he claims to like cooking. But I could not quite work up the enthusiasm for that. I got him some presents, I worked with his terrible children, I was thoughtful about other things, and that is going to have to be enough for someone who did literally nothing for Mother’s Day.

Child Evangelism

The mother of Elizabeth’s friend Sarah asked Sarah to give Elizabeth a pamphlet for a religious summer camp. “My mom says to say it’s not REALLY about religion,” said Sarah. The pamphlet explains that the purpose of the camp is to have fun! and make friends! and eat s’mores! and deeply explore the Bible to learn how it relates to every aspect of our world and our lives! I looked up the organization and they are a group formed for the purpose of using children to evangelize to other children.

I am trying to react to this with semi-amused eye-rolling (“Just toss the pamphlet in the recycling and forget about it! She’s probably just thinking Elizabeth might like to go to the same camp as Sarah!”), but let me tell you confidentially that I am not succeeding. You may remember that I was brought up Christian, so I remember this kind of thing from the inside point of view, and I have been recognizing the symptoms in Sarah and her family for awhile now; this is not just a casual camp idea. I remember learning in Sunday School and youth group about looking for opportunities to witness to our friends. I remember telling friends that the picnic or youth group activity or vacation Bible school or summer camp wasn’t really about religion, it was just for having fun! and making friends! and eating s’mores! You don’t have to be religious, it’s for everyone!

I also know that back then, I would have felt very sorry for Elizabeth, whose parents Weren’t Saved and so weren’t teaching her The Good News. I would have been worried about this, and I would have had a strong mental image of their dark souls hungering for the light. I would have earnestly brought the situation up as a prayer request in Sunday School or youth group. It makes me feel queasy to think about this, and to think of this other family seeing our family this way. I don’t have to wonder if Sarah has reported Elizabeth’s unsaved status to her family, or if they might be thinking they can save Elizabeth, or if Sarah has been taught she should be on the lookout for moments she can Share Her Faith. “It’s not about RELIGION,” Sarah explains at the school lunch table. “It’s about the way the world WORKS.” I know this script. I have advised Elizabeth that there is no point in arguing, and that it is better to change the subject. Sarah is a good friend when she’s not trying to do her Evangelical Duty.

When I was on the inside of this kind of thing, it seemed compassionate: we’re trying to RESCUE people! we are battling for people’s ETERNAL SOULS! From the outside, it looks presumptuous and predatory. Adults should not be trying to convert other people’s children to their religion. Adults should not be using their own children as tools to convert other people’s children. Adults should know this through the easy one-step method of wondering if they would want other adults to work on converting THEIR children. I don’t think Sarah’s mother would think it was compassionate of me to try to save Sarah from her parents’ teachings. I think she would be outraged at any attempt, and would want me to stay away from her child, and would think it was really weird of me to try to get involved, and would see it as me trying to lead Sarah astray.

I am not, however, going to do anything about this, except explaining to my own children what this is and why I don’t like it and why this is a hot-button area of discussion for me. I’m not going to confront Sarah’s mother, someone I’ve met only once. I’m not going to send back a pamphlet about Skeptics Camp, telling Elizabeth to explain to Sarah that it’s not REALLY about skepticism. I’m not going to do anything except roll my eyes and recycle the stupid pamphlet and lie awake composing mental arguments about it.

Implant / Tooth Replacement: FINAL STEP!

My new replacement tooth is finally, finally, finally in place. The implant is healed; the crown is on; it is over.

The procedure to install the crown was a little icky and unpleasant, but endurable. I would have enjoyed a tranquilizer or vodka tonic first, but it was okay without. First the dentist unscrewed the little screw in the center of the implant (the implant, if you remember, is the part under the gums); that little screw was only there while the implant was healing, and could now be removed. In its place the dentist screwed in the abutment, which if I’m following this correctly is the piece that sticks out from the gums and is for the crown (the part that looks like a tooth) to attach to. In between removing the screw and putting in the abutment, they disinfected the center of the implant, and there was the unpleasant taste of whatever they used for that. After the abutment was in, they took an x-ray to make sure it was in there correctly.

The abutment has to be locked permanently into place, and this was one of my least favorite parts: the dentist has to screw it in until it snaps twice, which means it’s locked. So there was a lot of weird intense pressure (no pain, but it wasn’t comfortable) that felt really clearly like it was Inside the Bones of My Face (it didn’t hurt in a GUMS way at all), and then I had to anticipate a SNAP, which was indeed startling when it arrived but I’m sure glad the dentist mentioned it ahead of time or I would have thought something had broken. Then we repeated the pressure/anticipation/snap. He gave me a mirror and I could see a teensy metal paddle-thing sticking out where my fake tooth was going to be. I looked very odd, like a James Bond villain.

The dentist and assistant spent some time making sure the crown would fit, was the right color, etc. Ahead of time the assistant told me that it does occasionally happen that a crown arrives and it won’t fit or it’s the wrong color, so I was not getting my hopes entirely up that things would go well, but they did: everything fit right and looked nice. The dentist had to press HARD on the crown to make sure it fit right; this was gums-painful, exactly as you’d expect if someone pressed something hard against your gums. He also used one of those pointy little metal tools to trace all the way around the crown to make sure the gums weren’t getting pinched underneath, and this was painful enough that I think he should have warned about it, but maybe he didn’t know. It was like when they use the pointy thing that measures the depth of your gum pockets, except it was sliding along the gum instead of just poking down and back out.

Then there was some messing around with whatever adhesive they needed to use. Then the dentist put the crown in place for real, and there was a repeat of the pressing-hard-on-gums pain and also the tracing-around-with-pointy-thing pain, twice, plus sharp picking sensations as, I suspect, he was removing traces of extra adhesive. Really, it was quite uncomfortable, but I was bolstered by the knowledge that we were WRAPPING THIS UP and the whole lengthy process would soon be complete.

He gave me a mirror, and I had a TOOTH. The gums around the tooth were startlingly white; he said that would fade very soon and it did. He said it might be slightly sore for a day or so and it was, but nothing that really bothered me or was a problem for eating—more like An Awareness of the area. I still have an Awareness feeling even a week later, but less.

Then the part I wasn’t expecting: the assistant had me bite down on that paper stuff that shows them how accurate your bite is, and then the dentist had to spend some time drilling to make my bite fit right again. He took some off my front BOTTOM teeth, which surprised me. He also took some off the new crown. It didn’t hurt, but if you hate even non-painful drilling then you know what it was like, and it was a particularly screamy drill, and then I had to keep re-biting the paper, and my mouth was trembling enough to make this difficult, and I was not having a good time.

But then it was done! It was done and I walked out without having to make any more appointments!

The tooth felt very weird in my mouth for awhile, and still feels a little weird nearly a week later. My tongue keeps exploring it as a foreign object, but each day it feels a little less foreign. I am not used to biting with it, since I’ve been biting without it for nine months; when I do bite with it, it feels weird, like there is something in between my tooth and what I’m biting—but it is feeling less weird each day. It feels odd to brush it, and a little unpleasant—again, like I’m brushing something in between my tooth and the toothbrush. I hate flossing it: the floss has to go much further up under the gumline than usual. But I will get used to that.

I had a little lisp/whistle the first few days, but Paul said no one could hear it but me. I’d gotten used to talking without the tooth or with a flipper (the temporary/removable fake tooth) that has a section covering part of the roof of my mouth, so talking with regular teeth again was strange. When I go out somewhere, I keep thinking “Oh no! I forgot my tooth!”—and then realizing the “forgot my tooth” feeling (from having nothing against the roof of my mouth) is now invalid.

I am very happy it’s done, and I’m glad I had it done, but is there no way technology could advance in this area? That took a REALLY LONG TIME. I had the tooth pulled LAST SEPTEMBER. It is now JUNE. That’s a whole SCHOOL YEAR.

Books: My Ex-Life; Lincoln in the Bardo

I made the mistake of reading other books before reviewing these, so already they fade in my memory.

(image from Amazon.com)

My Ex-Life, by Stephen McCauley

The plot of this book is exactly my kind of thing: David, a gay man whose life is in a bit of upheaval, goes to stay with his ex-wife Julie and her daughter Mandy for a little while to help them with some stuff, and things go really nicely and companionably and appealingly. But the book was written in a style I don’t like: the author almost couldn’t write a sentence without making a snarky/clever/witty add-on:

David guessed him to be in his late thirties or early forties, but boyishness still clung to him, as it often does to men with good hair or unresolved relationships with their fathers. He was tidily dressed in short pants and a green polo shirt, and he wore around his neck a lanyard with a heavy set of keys attached, a little like a gym teacher or an obstreperous camp counselor.

I found it extremely tiring to read in fiction, because there is no way to get absorbed in the story if the author is constantly drawing your attention to the way he’s writing it. It was like getting constantly nudged.

Also, it was the kind of book that confirms your fears that everyone is thinking mean things about everyone else:

Carol had a high, girlish voice. She took superb care of herself–her skin appeared to be polished–but she had the hard face of someone who could stand to eat a cupcake once or twice a year. The bones were too prominent, and the muscles around her jaw flexed visibly when she spoke. As was to be expected, she was pretty. But it was the flat prettiness of a sorority sister who wears pastels, subscribes to Self magazine, and actually reads the articles. She punctuated her comments with a dry, nervous laugh that reminded David of the panting of a dog eager to be petted.

and:

If Carol was making an exhausting effort to please, Henry was aiming for a stern demeanor that gave away nothing. David had noted this deportment in strong-willed men overcompensating for the fact that their lives are controlled by their wives or girlfriends. He had a dark suntan, an attractive affectation, but one that these days looked somehow vintage, like a dial telephone or an electric carving knife.

It’s vivid, creative, descriptive writing, but I didn’t like it and it made me feel yucky to read it. Despite that, I read to the end because I wanted to know what would happen with the plot, which I liked very much. And because of charming passages like this one, where David and Mandy walk Mandy’s dog deliberately past a shop where the shopkeeper always comes out with a dog biscuit:

After a few minutes, a small man emerged holding something in his hands. “Please don’t pretend you’re not expecting a snack,” he said. “We’re beyond that charade.”

The author then interjects to say it wasn’t clear if he was speaking to Mandy or to the dog, but it is 100% endearing if he’s talking to the dog, and otherwise it is not, so I wish he had just let us assume it was addressed to the dog (which it absolutely was, and you cannot tell me otherwise).

It is hard to say if I recommend the book or not. I guess I do, especially since people have different tastes in writing styles and you might LOVE what I found tiring/depressing.

 

(image from Amazon.com)

Lincoln in the Bardo, by George Saunders

I read this after reading Shelf Love’s review, which I highly recommend you read as well, because it explains it very well with the appropriate warnings. Even with the warnings, I spent the first 50 pages or so thinking the book might be too experimental/confusing for me to get through (and sighing at the body-part crudity and bathroom crudity). But sometime after that, I went from uncertain to enchanted, and spent the rest of the book thinking things such as “Why are there not MORE books like this??” and getting bowled over by new plot points. (And skimming some of the chapters full of quotes from Lincoln resources. They were good, and they contributed to the story, but there were TOO MANY BY HALF.) I really, really liked it, and added several more books by this author to my library list.

What it Was Like To Be Interviewed for TSA Pre-Check

I mentioned a couple of days ago that I applied online for TSA Pre-Check. Today I went in for the interview portion.

I’d made an appointment, though walk-ins were allowed; I could make the appointment online from pull-down menus (first choose a date, then an available time on that date), which I greatly appreciated. I checked in at the desk, and they asked what identification I’d brought, and I said “Driver’s license and passport,” and she said I would only need the passport, and she asked to see it. Then she asked what payment I’d brought (the site says they very much prefer credit cards), and I said “Credit card,” and she asked to see it. She typed a few things into her computer. Then she handed me back the passport and credit card along with a little dry-erase card on which she’d written my arrival time, and she told me to keep all three of those things together and handy. She led me to a waiting room, and I sat down. I was the only one there, but in the next ten minutes two more people arrived, both walk-ins.

I found I was more nervous than I needed to be. I was a little shaky. I had the “near a police officer” feeling, where even though you are completely innocent you feel like you might get in trouble unexpectedly, or get barked at for doing something wrong. (I have that same feeling going through airport security, which is one reason I want to get Pre-Check: to make that experience shorter and easier, with less time waiting in line feeling anxious beforehand.)

I waited about ten minutes, but that meant I was called in right at my appointment time; I’d arrived a little early. The man who called me in was friendly-looking, in his 60s or so, not intimidating in stature or manner. He asked for my passport and credit card and praised me for having them ready; I gave credit for that to the woman at the front desk who’d told me to keep them out. He said my information aloud as he entered it into the computer, and he said my date of birth with the wrong year; I don’t know if that was a mistake or a test, but I corrected him. Then he asked about my middle initials, but he did it in a slightly odd way; like, say my initials were A. and B., what he said was “What’s A.B.?”—and more like “What’s aybee?” Not “What do A. and B. stand for?” or “What are your middle names?,” so I wondered if that was another little test; either way, I knew the answer and gave it.

There was a screen facing me, and he had me confirm my address, confirm the answers I’d given on the online part of the application (had I been convicted of a crime, had I lived at my address at least five years, was I a U.S. citizen, etc.), confirm my previously-used names, and enter my Social Security number. The email address field was filled in, but hidden (like when you type in a password and it only shows dots); he asked me to tell him my email address and he entered it in the “confirm email” field.

I’d been worried about the fingerprinting part of the test. Long ago when I wanted to work at a daycare, I had to go get fingerprinted at the police station and they had a terrible time getting good prints: they did it again and again, used up sheet after sheet of paper, called in someone more experienced, consulted a supervisor, pressed my fingertips so hard they hurt, and they STILL didn’t seem satisfied with what they got. For the TSA Pre-Check, they had a little screen for me to press my fingers against—no ink. First I pressed my thumbs on the screen, and he said we were waiting for a green light and two beeps, and we got a green light and two beeps. But then I had to put the four fingers of my right hand on the screen, and we tried again and again and couldn’t get the green light and the beeps. He had me press down harder; use my other fingers to help press; move them to slightly different positions; hold my hand flatter—all to no avail. Then we tried the left hand, and it was the same thing over again. He said it would be okay, because we did get good thumb prints and those are the important thing; he said at worst the failure to get good fingerprints might mean a small delay in the application being approved, but shouldn’t result in a rejection or anything.

Then he ran the credit card (TSA Pre-Check is $85 for five years) and had me sign for the charge and also to say I had not told any lies in the interview. He gave me back the credit card and my passport, and said I should receive an email with my Known Traveler Number (KTN) in about a week; he gave me a receipt with information on it in case I didn’t hear back in a week. He said the email would be the only thing I’d get: no card or anything, just an emailed number; so I should print out the email and put it in a safe place when it arrived.

So! Not terrible at all. I think the whole thing took a little over ten minutes, and quite a bit of that was the part where we were struggling with my fingerprints. There was no trouble with my middle names/initials—but they only looked at the passport, not the driver’s license AND passport.

TSA Pre-Check Application: It’s Okay if Your Identifying Documents Have Middle Names on One and Middle Initials on the Other

I had another morning of cursing my sleep conscience: I dreamed I turned down a dinner date with a really great guy (“I’m married,” I said; “I don’t mind married,” he said, charming as all heck; “I really CAN’T,” I said), and I dreamed I turned down a dozen different foods I really wanted to eat. Why. Why have I not mastered lucid dreaming. I turned down a chance to eat brownies and not-forsake-all-others and EAT BROWNIES.

I am applying for TSA Pre-Check, which is that thing that lets you get through airport security faster and more easily and without all the instructions that make me frazzled and anxious. I kept starting the application process and then stopping it, because it said that it was CRUCIAL that your name be EXACTLY THE SAME on all the documents you brought to the interview to prove your identity. But my driver’s license shows just my two middle initials, and my passport has my middle names spelled out. Those are not matching, but not something I can easily fix. And I couldn’t find anything about it in the FAQ; and to get to the interview portion I have to drive 45 minutes away to a city I hate driving in, so it wasn’t something I wanted to take a chance on, either.

BUT ALSO, I have found while researching it for the baby name blog that at least for Social Security purposes, the U.S. government doesn’t consider middle names part of your legal name. (Suffixes such as Jr., III, etc., are also not part of the legal name. The post where I said so gets regular comments from pissed-off men who want to explain to me JUST HOW MUCH those suffixes ARE part of their names, and want to prove it to me with multiple not-at-all-proving-it examples. YAWN.)

(screenshot from SSA.gov)

So my hope was that this would be the same situation for the TSA Pre-Check thing, since that’s the government too, and I finally just proceeded with the application. Mid-application, I got to this line:

(screenshot from TSA.gov)

HOPE CONFIRMED. In case you too have been fretting about this.

Home From College, Part 2

Suzanne wrote on the home from college post:

If you are interested in sharing more, I am curious about how the year went in general… how the kids adjusted to life without Rob at home… how it was for you and Paul with only four kids — was there a noticeable difference in… anything? … how William felt about being the oldest… Well, those seem like potentially boring things that you might not want to talk about, but *I* think it would be interesting. I am so fascinated by changing family dynamics, especially when it comes to multi-kid families.

I noticed it was easier to make meals. William started a job this year working two dinnertimes per week, and they were both MY dinnertimes (Paul cooks two days a week), so twice a week I was only cooking for three kids. That’s WAY fewer English muffin pizzas. But even on nights William isn’t working, four kids feels like significantly fewer kids to cook for, and there’s a lot more leftover taco meat.

There were grocery items that apparently Rob uses more of than anyone else: tortilla chips, shredded cheese, bread, lunch meat. For awhile after he left, I was buying things at the usual rate and they were really building up. Now that he’s home, I notice I’m having trouble keeping the supply up again.

I noticed William was a lot more chatty. When Rob is home, he talks a lot with Rob. When Rob wasn’t here, he started talking with us and interacting more with the younger kids. It’s been nice. The first few times he came up and started a conversation, I almost didn’t know what to do!

William definitely missed Rob, and is happy to have him home. The younger kids didn’t seem to notice or care that Rob wasn’t here or is now home. I mentioned this to Elizabeth, who said it’s not like they interact with him much when he’s here, so *big shrug*. I think that can definitely be a thing with big age gaps between siblings: he’s six years older than the twins and eight years older than Henry. I wonder if they’ll miss William more, since the age gaps are smaller.

We’d wondered if we’d want to rearrange the bedrooms. I don’t know if you remember, but long ago we had one big kid and one little kid in each room. (Elizabeth has her own room.) This was because Rob and William used to not get along at all, but both of them got along fine with the younger kids. So Rob and Edward were in one room, and William and Henry were in the other. Awhile back (two years? three?), Rob and William were getting along GREAT, but Henry was driving William crazy, so we rearranged: big kids in one room, little kids in the other. This meant it was theoretically perfect when Rob left for school: the new eldest kid had his own room. But we did ask William if he’d LIKE to share with a younger brother, for loneliness reasons. He declined.

Paul thought maybe we could put all three remaining boys in one room and put storage in the other room so that he could expand his workshop into the part of the basement we currently use for storage, but I thought that was nuts. Even with a kid “off to college,” that kid was still home a LOT: half a week at Thanksgiving, several weeks at Christmas, a week in spring, and now May-August. Maybe that will change next year, but right now he is still using his bedroom for nearly five months out of the year.

I noticed the household was overall more peaceful. Rob is [Good Kid and We Love Him Disclaimer], but he can also be tiring to live with. Long ago, the school system wanted him referred for testing to see if he might have Asperger’s Syndrome; the neurologist said Rob did not qualify for the diagnosis, but that he was close enough to that area of the spectrum that we should expect similar issues. He’s also a 19-year-old college boy. He can be the kind of conversationalist who asks you a question you have a partially emotional answer to, and then tries to poke holes in your logic to show you how irrational you are. He’ll pick away at your argument without furthering his own argument. He sometimes WILDLY misinterprets behaviors and emotions and statements, leaving me uncertain how to even EXPLAIN how wrong he is. He is driven crazy by the sound of other people chewing, and he tries to solve it by forcing everyone around him to chew in a way he can’t hear, which turns out to be impossible but that doesn’t stop him from trying. (I’m sympathetic to a point, but he thinks of this as OUR problem rather than his, and that’s when he loses my sympathies.) He can be rigid and critical; he is not good at understanding that different people have different strengths and abilities. He doesn’t always consider other people’s strengths/abilities to BE strengths. It can be, as I say, tiring. I have hopes that this will improve with time: I think of the “arguing for the fun of it” stage as being particularly intense during the college years. Plus, it’s easier to deal with tiring behavior when it’s for shorter periods of time. And back to the disclaimer, which is actually true: he can also be talkative and pleasant and funny, and he’s nice to his younger siblings, and he’s responsible and he does chores uncomplainingly, and so forth. So it’s not like he’s NOTHING BUT tiring to live with.

At first it was noticeable that we’d lost a driver. Even though William got his license at around the same time Rob left, I felt a lot more comfortable having Rob drive younger siblings than having William do it—and not only because Rob had two extra years of driving experience. Rob is one of those kids who was a full-grown adult even when he was an infant, very interested in Safety Rules as a toddler, etc.; it didn’t feel weird to have him driving siblings after the initial weirdness of it wore off. It’s not that William isn’t a careful driver, it’s just that he seems more like a CHILD than Rob ever did. But we got used to not being able to have Rob drive anymore, and we got used to sometimes asking William to do it (though I still prefer not to have to).

Before Rob left for college, we had two clumps of children: the Bigs and the Littles. We frequently divided them that way: “Okay, the Bigs work on X, and the Littles work on Y,” or one parent might take the Bigs somewhere while the other parent does something with the Littles, or the Bigs take turns helping with dinner but the Littles take turns unloading the dishwasher, or the Bigs have one bedtime but the Littles have an earlier bedtime. The gap between one group of kids and the next made for a natural change in rules/responsibilities/activities. With Rob gone, it felt like that fell apart. It made it so uneven to have one Big and three Littles, it stopped being a thing. Well, or I guess we might still say “Okay, which of you Littles wants to come along to the library?” (because we never asked the Bigs because they’re not up at that time of day anyway), and William still has a later bedtime than the others, but it’s just not as much of a thing. And with Rob gone and William working two dinnertimes a week, we needed the twins to start being dinner helpers, and that further blurred the gap. I’m interested to know if it’ll start being a thing again over the summer.