We are enduring a visit from the Barf Fairy at our house. The first person succumbed last Thursday; the second on the following Monday; the third and fourth on Wednesday. Three remain, and one of those is feeling a little queasy. This is what I’m wondering: does drinking alcohol do anything to sterilize the digestive tract? I’m thinking yes. Or at least, I have been drinking since last Thursday and I have not gotten sick yet.

If you’re friends with me on Facebook, there is a change afoot. Here is what happened: long ago, I set up “Swistle Thistle” as a PERSON, by mistake; it should have been set up as a PAGE. Anyway, once I realized I’d done it wrong, it seemed like way too much trouble to fix it. But now, years later, the thing I use to automatically publish links of new posts on that Facebook page won’t work unless I’m posting to a PAGE instead of to a PERSON, so now it is worth fixing. I guess. We’ll see. Anyway, things might be odd, or might not work for awhile, or posts might not show up, or you might find yourself unfriended and have to, like, subscribe or something, who knows. We will find out. One thing I’m hoping for is some sort of progress on the issue where they never notify me if someone comments or does a friend request or sends a message, despite my notification preferences; so I have to go in person to the page to look for those things, but I almost NEVER go to the page.

Speaking of sites that know too much about you. I went on a visit to my parents, and when I am visiting people I like to set aside a certain amount of money for Shopping. I find that if I buy a pair of earrings on a visit, I will FOREVER REMEMBER that visit every time I wear the earrings. So I bought some earrings, and I also bought this cat journal:

(image from Amazon.com)

Which I love. It’s hardcover, with an elastic to hold the covers closed, and I love the colors, and it’s irregularly shiny in a way I love: the details such as eyes and collars and whiskers are shiny, but the cat bodies are matte, and it feels really nice to the touch. I don’t need a journal, because I already have a stack of a dozen journals all set to go, but I am happy to own it in a stack with all the other journals. Here is what made me nervous: about a week after I got home, Amazon recommended THAT EXACT SAME JOURNAL to me in the Recommended For You section. What even. YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE, AMAZON.

Apparently I never read Practical Magic by Alice Hoffman, even though it is exactly the kind of book I like?

(image from Amazon.com)

Paul brought it home from the library for me, thinking I might like it, so I gave it a try even though I remembered already trying it and not liking it. I think I must have been remembering the MOVIE, though, because I kept picturing Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman, and I definitely didn’t read this book. And I’m not even sure I saw the movie; I might have just seen the previews. Anyway I really loved the book, although it was the kind where afterward I kept thinking things like, “Wait, but that wouldn’t work for them in the long run” or “But I don’t think he would have DONE that” or whatever. Plus, there are a lot of characters absolutely struck dumb by instant meant-to-be love, and while I enjoy READING that, I don’t BELIEVE it, not long-haul. I still recommend the book for the way I felt when I was reading it, and I’d say the afterthoughts weren’t a dealbreaker. When I went on Amazon to get the link/image, I found there is apparently a prequel as well, called The Rules of Magic, so I’ve requested that from my library too.

Follow-up: This post has been sitting in my draft folder since Wednesday, because Thursday morning I discovered that no, gin was not a preventative for stomach bugs. And it’s too bad, too, because I was already imagining saying it in my what’s-the-secret-of-your-advanced-age-and-glowing-health interview. “Two gin-and-tonics a night, sonny!,” I’d say, “And don’t forget the lime!” And the journalist would call me “feisty,” or describe my laugh as a “cackle.” It was going to be great.

I just finished Not That Bad: Dispatches from Rape Culture, a collection of essays edited by Roxane Gay.

(image from Amazon.com)

If you can bear to read it, I recommend it. I found it a good one to have in progress at the same time as another, lighter book, so that I could switch; I don’t usually like to have more than one book going, but sometimes I would finish an essay and REALLY NEED A BREAK, and it was good to have something else to read for awhile.

Summer amirite.

William had knee surgery. There were two possible outcomes, and the surgeon said he wouldn’t know which it would be until he got in there. First possible outcome: quick easy fix, several days of taking it easy, then back to normal except much improved from before the surgery. Second possible outcome: complicated fix, six weeks of being totally non-weight-bearing on that knee (i.e., using crutches, having significant difficulty with stairs, having significant difficulty working, etc.), and then many months of physical therapy. The woman scheduling the surgery said her son had the same surgery with the second outcome. “It was like having a newborn again!,” she said, helpfully. I didn’t dare hope for the first outcome, but that is what we got. We are so glad/lucky/relieved.

We went to a play, and I only went because the twins had a friend who was in it, and I was expecting to suffer through it, and I was irritated by how much they thought it was reasonable to charge for tickets to a children’s summer production (FIFTEEN UNITED STATES DOLLARS FOR AN ADULT), and it was amazing. I don’t like to use “amazing” to describe productions by children. But it was amazing. I was amazed. I am going to go see it again. And I am going to make a point of seeing more productions there, even when we don’t know anyone in the play.

We are doing academic/creative/organizational/life-training again this summer. I am using my time so far to study my state senators/representatives, and to do KenKen/Sudoku puzzles, and to learn how to draw interesting lettering/borders. I am also emptying an entire closet in the little boys’ room, because I guess we have fabric moths all of a sudden. I just discovered this tonight, and it’s my first encounter with moths.

I got together with my friend at an AirBnB. It went well (even though it turns out she does not drink wine), except that I had specifically used the search filter to get places with a/c, because a/c is very important to me, and this place “had a/c” in that there was one compact window unit for an entire house. It was not up to the task. “Not up to the task” to the extent that we OPENED WINDOWS to HELP the air conditioner. But there were comfy chairs, and we did a lot of good talking, and there were feral kittens in the yard, and we found a breakfast place with delicious stuffed French toast, so. Next time I will know to ask “How MUCH a/c?” (and also “Do you have feral kittens?”).

And if you’re thinking of getting together with distant friends, I do recommend it if you can swing it. Friends don’t have to be in-person, but in-person is nice from time to time.

Summer summer summer help me out here. Tell me one thing ONE THING you have done this summer that was neat / was notable / was fun / was you-want-to-tell-us-about-it. Or one thing you WILL be doing. Just one thing. It doesn’t have to be the BEST thing. It doesn’t have to be the MOST cool/notable/fun/interesting thing. Just pick ONE thing and tell us about it. Tried a new ice cream flavor on impulse and it was unexpectedly successful? YES.

[Edited to add: Originally I wrote “one thing” to remove the pressure: i.e., you don’t have to write about your entire summer, you can just pick one single thing. Re-reading it this morning, it seems more like I’m saying that I get to say many things but YOU may only say ONE. If you would LIKE to say more than one thing, you CERTAINLY MAY!]

Today my goal is to go somewhere and/or do something. I have fallen into the between-vacations feeling of not being able to focus well enough to make other plans.

Oh, I am not sure I’ve told you about my second vacation: I’m meeting a distant friend at an AirBnB. I’ve never done anything like this before, so I am nervous, but I have hopes that it will be great—or that maybe the first time will just be very nice, but it’ll be nice enough that we’ll make an annual tradition of it and it will gradually become great. I get very nervous about things such as “If we go to the grocery store to get some pints of ice cream, how many will we buy, and how will we pay, and how will we share them, and what will we do with the extra we can’t finish?” and “When we go out for meals, how will we choose where to go, and how will we split the bill?” Those are the little things that get ironed out after a few repeats.

This friend and I have only seen each other once since high school, and just for a dinner out on that occasion, but we’ve been constant emailers since our first children were born, so that’s about 19 years of correspondence friendship to fall back on. I was thinking it was too bad we never get to see each other in person, and then it occurred to me that I was a grown-ass lady and could arrange that if I wanted to. Plus, I love a road trip, and I love road-trip food. Now I’m paralyzed as I wait for this to happen. But today I will DO SOMETHING! or GO SOMEWHERE!

One of my top favorite authors is Maeve Binchy, and whenever I say so, someone recommends Rosamunde Pilcher to me. My library has a few of her books, so I have tried her at least three times (The Shell Seekers; plus one of the other long ones but I can’t remember which one it was but it involved a youngish girl and an unsuitable man; plus a book of short stories), and each time I can SEE why someone would compare her to Maeve Binchy, but the books don’t resonate with me the way Maeve Binchy books do.

When I travel (here’s the tie-in, if you were wondering), I don’t like to bring library books because I’m afraid of losing them, so I like to go to the library book sale and buy a few books for $.50-1.00 each to bring along. This time there was a set of seven Rosamunde Pilcher books, five of them more like novellas, so I bought them to really give her a good try. My conclusion is that they are good-quality sweet-old-lady romances. Like, I read three in a row with this same plot: girl involved with unsuitable man, girl encounters suitable man, girl first dismisses or is separated by circumstances from suitable man, girl later re-encounters suitable man, suitable man is consistently/patiently suitable which causes girl to gradually see him with new eyes, suitable man physically picks up / carries girl at least once because she is tired or has fainted or he is rescuing her or he is bossing her, girl assumes suitable man does not think of her That Way and will soon be gone from her life, girl and suitable man have their first talk about becoming romantically involved which is also when they decide they will get married, end of book. Plus a lot of description of scenery.

Okay, I can’t distract myself with this book talk. If YOU were going on an overnight with a friend, what things would YOU bring? I’m thinking of things that let us Do Something while talking, in case there are lapses in conversation. Paint-by-sticker books, for example. Also I am bringing toilet paper, because I don’t want to chance that the man who owns the Airbnb knows how much toilet paper is needed. And I am bringing a scented candle in case the place is musty or weird-smelling. And a fan, because it is likely to be hot. And I am bringing a box of wine.

The twins and I are back from a vacation to see my parents, and so far my least favorite part is getting back on my computer and finding 229 new messages in the inbox I use for emails from businesses—sales and so forth. I do not need to hear 229 times from a handful of businesses in 6 days. This is a good chance to see where I need to do some unsubscribing, is my feeling about this.

Yesterday I overheard two loud guys in the seats in front of us, and they talked loudly for the entire hours-long flight, so I can now tell you all about them. Incidentally, if your boy has very short hair and likes ambitious outdoor activities, and if this past weekend he traveled across the country to do one of these ambitious outdoor activities, you may want to know that he is telling anyone who will listen that his girlfriend doesn’t really understand how cool he is for talking to strangers on planes and doing ambitious outdoor activities. He described her as someone who “just wants to do a day-hike and then stay at the Marriott, do you know what I mean?,” and he further said she “just doesn’t get that talking to people is how you make connections, do you know what I mean?” We also heard from him at great length about how he “never pays for housing” because he camps out or crashes with friends. He seems really great but I wonder if it’s time to set him free to discover the woman who can truly appreciate his greatness the way his male graduate-student seatmate could.

I am so disoriented. William came upstairs and said “I’m going to work” and I had no idea what he was talking about (or, for a moment, who he was) because I had no idea today was Tuesday. And I’ve been staying with my parents, so it’s a shock to realize I’m going to have to pick up the dinner-making and grocery-shopping reins again, after nearly a week of having someone else handle it and also bring me vodka tonics and plan fun things we might want to do the next day. We explored a giant cave! hiked near a waterfall! saw a baby alpaca being born! Today I guess I’m unpacking, deleting 229 emails, and going to the grocery store. I just added “limes” and “tonic” to the shopping list.

I will say that someone seems to have been CLEANING while I was gone. The area on the shower wall behind the soap shelf, where colored soap residue accumulates? CLEAN. The ceiling above the shower, which had developed little dots of what looked like the paint melting off? CLEAN. The floor under the bathroom scale, which I can easily see because the scale is for some reason transparent? CLEAN. Two loads of laundry I’m sure I left behind? GONE. Also, the day before I left, it came to light that the cats were completely out of their special dental chews, without the children telling me the bag was getting low; that bag, which requires a trip to a special store where I don’t buy anything else so it’s a pain to do, has been replaced. Fairies?

[Follow-up: I asked Paul, and he said he did the laundry and went out for the feline dental chews, but that Rob and William did all the rest as a late Mother’s Day present. They cleaned BOTH bathrooms, including the storage shelves in the downstairs bathroom, and also did the stairs/hallway. Paul said it took them hours and that it was their own idea. Well. Well.]

I am getting ready for a trip to visit my parents (if you recall, they live half the year in the same town as me, and half the year quite far away), and yesterday evening I hit the sweet spot of stress-turning-to-energy and got a ton done. I was tearing around the house handling things left and right: some specifically travel-related stuff, but also the In Case of Death stuff I do because when I travel outside my usual range I feel like it’s pretty likely I’ll die, and if that happens I want everyone to be totally caught up on clean laundry.

In the midst of all that, and in that heightened state, I cut my own hair. I know there are people who always cut their own hair and it’s merely practical and not at all alarming, but for me it is a little alarming: it was not a calm, practical thing, but more of an “impulsively grabbing half my hair and sawing off a handful with scissors, and then grabbing the other half and doing the same thing” thing. This morning when I woke up and saw all the hair in the trash, my eyebrows went way up at my last-night self. On the other hand, it is a huge relief to have it shorter (it had hit the length where it felt like a heavy, tangled burden), and I wear my hair twisted/bunned up so do I really need to pay $25 to have someone else cut a straight three inches off the bottom? Perhaps I will do it this way from now on. It came out really well. I will probably need to snip a few weird pieces here and there after I wash it (right now I am in my pajamas taking advantage of the quiet house before everyone else gets up), but just flipping it this way and that and looking at it in the mirror I don’t see anything that looks like a pre-travel-stressed woman did it to herself. So overall I’m pleased.

I went to another march/rally last weekend, and it was very different than the first one I went to. The first time, I went to one in a big city, and it was just like those news photos you see where people are packing the streets. This time I went to one in a much smaller and nearer city, and it was not at all the same thing; and if imagining being in those news photos fills you with dread, it might be much more your thing.

Just for starters, there were probably 500 people at most, spread loosely over an area that could have handled ten times that number. Saying it was “much less crowded” would be an amusing understatement. But that meant I felt much more foolish joining in with chants, songs, etc: it felt as if everyone around me could clearly hear me, rather than my voice disappearing into a vast noise. Also, while the crowd was large for the area and so was still encouraging, seeing a scattered bunch of people in a nice park was nowhere near as encouraging as seeing more people than I ever see, filling streets where people don’t usually stand. This felt more like the times my childhood church would hold an outdoor service.

On the other hand, there was ample free parking and cleanish bathrooms and I didn’t have to figure out public transportation, and it didn’t take me half the day to get there and back. And there was zero feeling that anyone could get trampled or put in prison. There were no helicopters. We could see the stage and hear all the speakers talking.

Overall, I preferred the giant crowd and the helicopters; and even though last time I was so nervous about the subway, the subway ended up being part of the whole thing: seeing all those people cramming in, all of us on our way to the protest! (Plus, I could follow them instead of using a map.) But if you hate the whole idea of the crowd/helicopters/subway, I strongly recommend one of the smaller satellite locations: quieter, easier, more spacious, less fraught, but you still get to participate.

I wish there were an easier way to invite a woman on her own to join a group of chatting women at a place such as the swimming pool or a school event or kindergarten pick-up or the park or whatever. I know from experience and from other people’s reported experiences that sometimes a woman is standing there feeling isolated but with no idea how to JOIN. And sometimes a group looks like a cohesive, established, everyone-is-best-friends group when actually it’s a mishmash of some people who know each other well and some people who only know one other person but only just met the rest and some people who didn’t know anyone else until it turned out their kids were friends. And sometimes a group, for whatever reason they think they can justify, is not welcoming to a person who tries to join—but you don’t want to hang out with them anyway.

I saw someone pull off a “Join us!” successfully the other day at the pool, but she knew the other woman somewhat even though the rest of us didn’t. She was like “Jen! Come join us!” And Jen joined us. But there were two other women, each on their own, casting looks at our group that seemed to me to communicate a wish to be part of it, but none of us knew either of them, and of course maybe they wouldn’t WANT to join us or were too busy watching their kids to make sure they didn’t drown. There didn’t seem to be any good way to find out, was the problem I wish I could have solved.

I had several methods for getting myself on the inside of these groups, in case you are wondering.

1. Initiate conversation with other people standing on their own. Joining a group cold turkey can be difficult-to-impossible if you don’t know anyone in it. A single person is an easier nut to crack IF they are also standing there wishing to be included. If you can leap the hurdle of “being the first to say something” (and it IS a hurdle, especially at first when you’re not used to it; I had to pretend I was someone who found it easy), routinely approaching other people who are also on their own means you soon know a whole lot of people, if only lightly. Don’t underestimate the “knowing someone enough to say hi to” category of acquaintances: that’s an important stage. Pretty soon you will start standing in groups with those people, either because some of you form your own group or because you’ll see them in groups with other people and they’ll call you over.

Initiating a conversation with someone new is easier, I’ve found, in situations where there is very limited time: for example, while waiting to pick up the kids after kindergarten. It’s harder if it’s a big school social event, or if you’re at the pool or park, because then if the other person does not seem to want to talk to you, you have to find a way to get away from them; if it’s just five minutes until the kids come out, all you have to do is wait in silence for that to happen, and then not approach that person again. (If it IS at a longer-term thing, I use my kids as an excuse. I stand there pretending not to feel awkward for a minute, and then I say, as if something’s just caught my eye, “Whoops, I better go see what going on there. See ya!” Then I go over to my child and put my hand on their upper arm and say something like, “Remember we’re leaving in half an hour” so it looks as if I had a stern talk with them.)

The limited-time sort of situation also makes it easier to invite others to join a group. In the days of waiting around at kindergarten pick-up, sometimes I might be talking to Jen and Melissa, another day to Tracy and Jess and Alison; another day I might arrive before anyone else I knew. So if I was on my own and I saw someone on their own, I could just wait casually nearby and make a casual opening remark: “Which one is yours?” is a good one when kids are involved, or “Which teacher does yours have?” If she seemed eager to talk, we could keep talking; and the next day, if I was talking in a group but saw her arrive, I could say, “Oh hi! We’re discussing the new first-grade teachers,” and then she could take that as an invitation to join in if she wanted to. (Telling someone else what the rest of us are talking about is my number one best strategy for inviting. I highly recommend it.)

When Rob was in kindergarten and I had to wait for him every day, that was when I started doing all these things. I figured it like this: I am standing here wishing we were not in a big awkward group where a few of us seem like besties and the rest of us stand in awkward silence. I would like it if someone would talk to me. So I will work on the assumption that some of these other people want that too—and that if they don’t, we’re only standing here for five minutes until the kids come out, so it’s not a big imposition on them for me to make that mistake. Each day I would stand near someone else and make a comment about the weather or something. I know people say they hate small talk but it is the absolute best way to test the waters: if someone doesn’t want to talk to you and you say, “Wow, sure is hot!” they’ll say “Mm, sure is” and go back to looking over at those trees. But if they DO want to talk and have been standing there feeling lonely and awkward and like they have no idea how to make friends, they’ll say “OH I KNOW! It is SO HOT! I am DYING!”—and then off you go, having a conversation like real people who are not at all socially anxious!

You may remember I was making a list. All of that was #1, apparently. “Initiate conversation with other people standing on their own,” if you don’t want to scroll up.

2. Say hi to people. This one is especially good if it’s too hard to initiate conversation, or if everyone is being so silent you don’t know who to sidle up to. Instead it goes like this: You arrive to kindergarten pick-up, a few people glance up, you say “Hi!” Optionally, when more people arrive, you glance up and say “Hi!” That’s all. Pretty soon it changes the group: people get used to saying hi to each other as each person arrives, and the whole atmosphere is more primed for people to start talking. Or at the pool: when I joined the section of parents waiting while their kids took swimming lessons, I would say “Hi!” Maybe the first day you do it you surprise someone and they say “Oh!…uh, hi!” or they say NOTHING because they’re snobby or more likely because they’re thinking “Did she say hi to me?? Ug, what if she was talking to someone else, and then I say hi back and it’s super awkward??,” or something else happens that makes you feel you bungled it, but you do it enough days and people get fully used to it, and then they start feeling like they know you, and you start feeling like you know them, and pretty soon someone will start a conversation. Or some of them will say hi and then look pointedly down at their book, and you will know they are using these minutes to have some peace and quiet, but saying hi didn’t ruin that for them, and now you have the valuable information that they are not feeling left out and hoping for someone to chat with.

Saying bye to people can do the same thing but without any need for follow-up lines. Let’s say you stand there awkwardly on a Friday afternoon, and then your child emerges and you can leave. Turn your face back to the group as you leave and say “Bye everybody! Have a good weekend!” Again, the first time you do it, it may catch some people off-guard. But if you persist, you work steadily on building a culture where it is easier for everyone to talk to each other, and where people feel as if they know you. Meanwhile you are out of there before people have to see you stammer or blush, and so you come across all confident and friendly and socially relaxed.

3. Accidentally become friends with someone who knows everybody. My newish friend Morgan knows EVERYBODY. I was at the pool and I saw her, and she was like “Hi hi hi!! Oh do you know my friend Katie?” and then I lightly knew Katie, and then their friend Michelle came over and joined us and then I lightly knew Michelle, and then Michelle called Jen over and then I lightly knew Jen, and then there I was standing in a girl gang at the pool, hanging out with other women complaining about our children and how hot it was outside, admiring the pedicure of the one woman who had one, talking about where to get the best swimsuits, talking about what things we’d signed the kids up for this summer. Basically living the In A Group dream, when half an hour ago I only knew Morgan! But I ended up in a group, because Morgan knows everyone and naturally forms groups. And now I kind of know Katie and Michelle and Jen, so if I see them next time I will feel more comfortable joining their group. But this is what got me thinking I wish there was an easier way to invite others.

One more note: if you’re a socially anxious person, you may find that even once you’re good at joining groups, you don’t feel the way you thought people in groups were feeling. They all looked so happy and confident and close, but maybe you still feel kind of awkward, and maybe you’re still worrying about things, and maybe the bonds all feel more casual than you expected. For a lot of people, this is so normal: it’s only from the outside that a group appears to have been close friends for many decades. From the inside, you can see that sometimes a group is just a bunch of near-strangers who know each other lightly and know how to form a chatty group at public events. You may decide you actually prefer to hang out on your own without the social pressure.

I have several related questions, and I have forgotten at least one of them, but we are going to proceed with the ones I remember and we’ll see how that goes.

Here is the basic topic: I have a 13-year-old daughter.

And here is the basic thing I am wondering about: leg/underarm shaving.

Oh! I remember the third thing! It was about looking for recommendations for books teenagers can consult to find answers to their own questions, without having to ask parents or rely on the iffy knowledge of friends. Let’s save that one for another day, actually, because I think we have quite enough for one morning, and because I want to make a Reference Post of the other topic so we have all those recommendations in one place. If you put them in THIS post, and then I write the OTHER post, you might feel as if you already said it and don’t want to say it again, and then we’ll lose that valuable input.

In my own childhood, I was very keen to be a teenager and I got ahead of things by reading a lot of books about/for teenagers, and subscribing to Seventeen and Teen and Sassy. So, for example, I was the one who told my mom it was time for me to start using deodorant, and I asked to be taught to shave my legs and then explored other methods (my mom still uses the Epilady I bought with babysitting money and used for 20 seconds), and I was making my own appointments at hair salons and getting my hair feathered, and I was counting days until I was allowed to wear make-up. (I should mention that now, as an adult, I am no longer nearly as interested in hair/make-up.)

Elizabeth is not the same sort of child. She does paint her nails. She has strong opinions about her hair (LONG with BANGS, no she does NOT want to grow the bangs out, stop ASKING her). She has strong opinions about her clothes and is irritated that now that she is 5’6″ it is harder to find shirts with good pictures on them, or shorts in pink and purple and turquoise, or jeans with embroidery. With the possible-but-not-necessarily exception of the nails (MANY little girls like nail polish), those are all still indications of CHILD mode. She does not look for teen books/magazines, she does not ask to wear make-up, she does not have posters of attractive celebrity teenagers on her walls. She does not fuss with her hair or spend much time looking in the mirror.

Here is what I am nervously working up toward discussing with you:

1. She gives all indications of identifying as female.
2. We live in a society where most women shave their legs/underarms.
3. Our particular city is a place where ALL women appear to do so.
4. She is not making her own move to do so.
5. At some point, am I supposed to cue her to do so?

It is swimming pool season, is what I am saying. And I know in some areas of the country, there are LOTS of women with body hair, and that is good and natural and I’m glad to see it. At my own particular swimming pool: NONE grown women or teen girls with natural underarm hair. Literally none. I have seen literally not a single one, and we moved here when Rob was under a year old.

So. If you are a woman who has natural body hair, and your partner loves it, and your daughters are being raised to have natural body hair, and you couldn’t care less what society thinks, then that is LOVELY and also it is a different discussion. You will need to switch your problem-solving minds to Swistle Mode, where the circumstances are different on every point and there is an issue to be solved within those circumstances.

What I don’t want to do is rush her into teen stuff. What I also don’t want to do is leave her untaught and open to remarks. She tends to be embarrassed about this kind of thing, and I don’t want her to be stuck having to ask me for training or figure it out on her own if she doesn’t want to. And I don’t want it to be a nasty remark at the swimming pool that motivates her to start shaving. I would much prefer it to be just a normal thing, like when I said it was time to start wearing a bralette, or time to start wearing deodorant.

It’s just, I don’t know if shaving is the same category or not. Like, I would not say, “It is time for me to teach you how to wear make-up” or “It is time for you to get a fashionable haircut” or “It is time to start consulting magazines about what you should wear.” Underarm/leg-shaving is not exactly in the hygiene category, not exactly in the fashion category. That is: our society in general and my part of the country in particular would say it is hygiene, but I am worried about promoting that view when it is actually fashion. (If it were hygiene, most men would also shave their underarms and legs.) And yet I don’t want to try to make my child the vanguard for social change, at her own expense. Nor do I want to make a Big Deal about this. (Too late.) And I want to make sure she has the information/materials to make her own choices about it.

Oh! I have had an idea. What if I say to her something like, “So listen: in our culture many women start shaving their underarms and legs once they hit their teen years. You’re a teenager now, so I want to show you how and where the supplies are, in case you want to do that.” And I could go over other options I’ve tried, which might make for an entertaining talk while she’s trapped in the car. How about something like that? Does that seem like it gives her the information without pressuring her to do it? I could add a little rant about hygiene vs. fashion.

While we’re on the topic: if you shave underarms/legs, how did you start? Did a parent tell you to, or teach you to? Did friends start doing it, so you started doing it too? Did you get the idea from teen books/magazines, as I’m pretty sure I did?

After Mother’s Day, for which Paul regressed to his pre-prefrontal-cortex early 20s and said “She’s not MY mother” and he and the children did literally nothing, many of us, including me, were wondering what I might do for Father’s Day. There were so many satisfying, vengeful options to consider.

Here is what I decided: That even if Paul shrugs off his parental duty to teach the children to celebrate Mother’s Day, I’m not going to retaliate by shrugging off my parental duty to teach the children to celebrate Father’s Day. That in fact, if one parent is going to model selfishness and thoughtlessness, the other parent needs to STEP IT UP on those topics, however unfair that seems, if there is any hope of avoiding raising selfish, thoughtless jerks. And that if by doing this, I could passive-aggressively point out to the children and Paul that Mother’s Day had been done very poorly indeed, and teach them to do better in the future, then that would be a bonus.

Five days before Father’s Day, I began. I mentioned to the children in an enthusiastic voice that Father’s Day was the upcoming Sunday. I asked if they had thought of what they wanted to do for it. I told them they should let me know in plenty of time if they needed help/money from me. I gave some suggestions, based on things they would know their dad likes/wants:

making him a card
offering to go out and get a box of doughnuts
vacuuming out his car
shaking out his car’s floor mats
taking his car through a car wash (I’d pay)
taking his car to fill with gasoline (I’d pay)
sweeping the living room without being asked
cleaning up the living room without being asked
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
vacuuming the stairs
doing any of the other little things Paul usually tells them to do, but without being asked

After I’d mentioned the importance of thinking about the person and what THEY might like, Rob said scoffingly, “Or instead, we could just ask him what he wants?” Well, I said. Parents spend EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR telling children what to do. So part of the gift is DOING THE THING YOU KNOW THE PARENT WANTS YOU TO DO but without the parent having to ask this time; part of the gift is THE BREAK FROM HAVING TO ASK. Part of the gift is THINKING ABOUT WHAT THE PARENT MIGHT WANT, rather than forcing them to tell you AS PER USUAL.

Rob played into my hands again. He said “We didn’t do anything for Mother’s Day, did we?”—with a tone of so-why-are-we-suddenly-doing-this. And I said no, we hadn’t, and I pretended to misinterpret the gist of his question. I said that although it was tempting to get revenge on Dad by doing the same for Father’s Day, since I blamed him to some extent for not organizing the children into action, that I didn’t think that would be right—and that it would sacrifice a valuable teaching opportunity for the children. Rob said he didn’t think it would be revenge, he thought it would just be a step (“in the right direction,” his tone added) toward letting these “minor holidays” go uncelebrated. I did not cry or scream, even though his continued use of Tone made it tempting. Well, I said, I didn’t think so; I said that it had been pretty sucky to spend Mother’s Day seeing pictures on Facebook of all my friends doing Mother’s Day things with their families. So I didn’t think doing less was the answer. There was a significant pause.

Rob tried to blame Paul but quickly petered out, like he could tell there was no leg to stand on there. He brought up that he had ASKED Paul about Mother’s Day. I said, yes. And that I’d heard him ask, and that I’d heard Paul say “She’s not MY mother,” and that that was wrong and sad and here’s why, and here’s how Paul could have presented the same concept in a very different and useful way (“Well, she’s your mother; what do YOU think we should do?”). But. That the essence of what Paul had been saying was: It’s YOUR job to figure this out. Because she’s YOUR mother. Pointed look.

Rob wrote something down in a notebook. “I’m making a note to do something next year,” he said.

Lest you celebrate his change of heart: after all this, he let Father’s Day go by without doing anything. He went to work mid-afternoon, having done nothing at all. Despite discussion. Despite follow-up questions/reminders. Despite a sad face and personal testimony and a significant pause.

Mid-morning (while Rob was still asleep—he’s working second shift) is when I reminded the other children. “Are you remembering it’s Father’s Day?,” I asked them. “Are you all set? Do you need anything from me?” Sometimes I made sure that we were having these whispered conversations near enough to Paul that he would be aware that they were going on.

Mid-afternoon is when a low simmering anger kicked in. “You ungrateful wretches,” I didn’t say. “You horrible, selfish, spoiled beasts,” I didn’t add. “Where have we gone so wrong in our parenting?,” I didn’t wonder aloud. “How many of your future partners will blame ME for this?,” I didn’t speculate aloud. I did not scream or cry, or get in the car and keep driving away from these terrible people who are apparently younger versions of their father.

“It’s mid-afternoon; what are you PLANNING?,” I did in fact ask. “Come on, you’re running out of time!,” I did add. When I got shrugs, when William said “I haven’t done anything for Father’s Day since 6th grade,” when some of the kids started seriously arguing to me that OTHERS of the kids hadn’t done anything, that’s when I gave the rage a little leash. “This is one of two days a year we ask you to think of someone other than your own self,” I said. “Thinking of what to do is PART OF THE GIFT,” I said. “YOU are supposed to be thinking about Dad and what he might like,” I added. “I gave you ideas, and I gave them to you FIVE DAYS AGO,” I hissed. “Do something, do ANYTHING, but DO NOT LET THIS DAY JUST SLIP AWAY UNCELEBRATED,” I said with my hair smoking gently, lit with resentment about Mother’s Day and now new fresh resentment about Father’s Day.

When even that failed to yield results, I considered not telling you about it. It makes things look better on me and on the children if I have eager, willing, generous, easily-led children, and if all Paul needed to do was nudge/help the poor confused dears instead of thwarting/stunting them. It looks badly on me and on the children if I cannot kindly and easily coax them into lifting a pinky finger for their father. I hope you are empathetic enough to realize that this does not mean I want other people to say critical things about my children. I assume you and I can exchange A Look about it, possibly a CONCERNED Look, and have that be enough.

Eventually, with increased incredulous effort and sustained hissing, I achieved grudging results. One child cleaned the bathroom sink/counter, even though Paul does not particularly value that chore—but at least the thought/effort was there, and it was the child’s own thought/idea. One child brought out a card he had made at school but had not previously mentioned for some inexplicable reason. I coerced the other two children to come outside with me and work on Paul’s car: we shook out the floor mats and vacuumed the floor and threw away trash.

I gave Paul two presents, even though he is not my father. One was four pairs of Pair of Thieves socks from Target; they have this new line that costs EIGHT UNITED STATES DOLLARS PER PAIR for plain solid-colored socks, and because they changed colors the old colors were 70% off, so I got him four pairs to try. I’d also noticed recently that his favorite measuring-cup device had gotten badly chipped, so I replaced it with a new one.

Also, all day I kept up with dishes and getting them washed and/or into the dishwasher, because I know he doesn’t like having dirty dishes piling up on the counter. I washed a difficult dish he’d left to soak in the sink instead of leaving it for him to deal with. At the grocery store I made sure to get him the things he likes. I vacuumed the stairs because none of the kids did it and it really needed doing. I took care of several other things. It occurred to me that one reason he doesn’t think to do things like this to please me is that maybe he doesn’t notice/care when I do these things to please him. I tried not to think about that.

Sunday is one of the nights of the week when he cooks, so I thought about offering to take over that task for him, even though he claims to like cooking. But I could not quite work up the enthusiasm for that. I got him some presents, I worked with his terrible children, I was thoughtful about other things, and that is going to have to be enough for someone who did literally nothing for Mother’s Day.

The mother of Elizabeth’s friend Sarah asked Sarah to give Elizabeth a pamphlet for a religious summer camp. “My mom says to say it’s not REALLY about religion,” said Sarah. The pamphlet explains that the purpose of the camp is to have fun! and make friends! and eat s’mores! and deeply explore the Bible to learn how it relates to every aspect of our world and our lives! I looked up the organization and they are a group formed for the purpose of using children to evangelize to other children.

I am trying to react to this with semi-amused eye-rolling (“Just toss the pamphlet in the recycling and forget about it! She’s probably just thinking Elizabeth might like to go to the same camp as Sarah!”), but let me tell you confidentially that I am not succeeding. You may remember that I was brought up Christian, so I remember this kind of thing from the inside point of view, and I have been recognizing the symptoms in Sarah and her family for awhile now; this is not just a casual camp idea. I remember learning in Sunday School and youth group about looking for opportunities to witness to our friends. I remember telling friends that the picnic or youth group activity or vacation Bible school or summer camp wasn’t really about religion, it was just for having fun! and making friends! and eating s’mores! You don’t have to be religious, it’s for everyone!

I also know that back then, I would have felt very sorry for Elizabeth, whose parents Weren’t Saved and so weren’t teaching her The Good News. I would have been worried about this, and I would have had a strong mental image of their dark souls hungering for the light. I would have earnestly brought the situation up as a prayer request in Sunday School or youth group. It makes me feel queasy to think about this, and to think of this other family seeing our family this way. I don’t have to wonder if Sarah has reported Elizabeth’s unsaved status to her family, or if they might be thinking they can save Elizabeth, or if Sarah has been taught she should be on the lookout for moments she can Share Her Faith. “It’s not about RELIGION,” Sarah explains at the school lunch table. “It’s about the way the world WORKS.” I know this script. I have advised Elizabeth that there is no point in arguing, and that it is better to change the subject. Sarah is a good friend when she’s not trying to do her Evangelical Duty.

When I was on the inside of this kind of thing, it seemed compassionate: we’re trying to RESCUE people! we are battling for people’s ETERNAL SOULS! From the outside, it looks presumptuous and predatory. Adults should not be trying to convert other people’s children to their religion. Adults should not be using their own children as tools to convert other people’s children. Adults should know this through the easy one-step method of wondering if they would want other adults to work on converting THEIR children. I don’t think Sarah’s mother would think it was compassionate of me to try to save Sarah from her parents’ teachings. I think she would be outraged at any attempt, and would want me to stay away from her child, and would think it was really weird of me to try to get involved, and would see it as me trying to lead Sarah astray.

I am not, however, going to do anything about this, except explaining to my own children what this is and why I don’t like it and why this is a hot-button area of discussion for me. I’m not going to confront Sarah’s mother, someone I’ve met only once. I’m not going to send back a pamphlet about Skeptics Camp, telling Elizabeth to explain to Sarah that it’s not REALLY about skepticism. I’m not going to do anything except roll my eyes and recycle the stupid pamphlet and lie awake composing mental arguments about it.