In a week full of hectic obligations, I had something to look forward to: one of the obligations came with a side dish of a night all by myself in a motel and then a planned repeat of my cherished breakfast at IHOP. But then it was ruined by weather. Well, I still had a nice time: the driving part BEFORE the weather was unusually terrific, and nobody tailgated me, and I got good postcards at a rest stop, and I was in a great mood, and the ice cream machine at McDonald’s was working (?????) and so I got a hot fudge sundae, and I had a lovely time playing and winning the “Pop song or CHRISTIAN pop song?” game.

The last time I mentioned that game, someone signed me up for alllllll the Christian newsletters, which I think is the wrong answer if you want to be competitive in the “What Would Jesus Do?” game. DO we picture Jesus huffing off to his computer and simmering in the delicious spite of signing someone up for a bunch of junk mail? Or do we picture him saying “Ooo, ooo, my turn, my turn, I want to guess this one!” Twice I heard that new Harry Styles song and thought Jesus would be fooled by that one FOR SURE.

Harry Styles: “Walk in your rainbow paradise…”
Jesus: “Oh, yes, that is DEFINITELY one of mine!”
Harry Styles, continuing: “…Strawberry lipstick state of mind…”
Jesus: “Oh My Father God, WHY AM I SO BAD AT THIS”
Swistle: *smugly adds another tally mark to her column*

I have not yet done my Christmas cards, and I do not like to be last-minute about cards, and also I LIKE doing cards so this is perplexing. I addressed the envelopes a number of weeks ago, but I seem to be having trouble writing the cards and putting them into those envelopes. Part of it was that I ordered photos from Shutterfly because they’ll print text on the backs, which saves me from writing our names dozens of times; but they arrived and the text was truncated, so that they said “Thistle family, Christmas 2019: Elizabeth,”. Just like that, with the comma and then no one else’s names. So I contacted Shutterfly, and somehow this took an HOUR to deal with, and finally I had to ask for a refund because they said there was nothing they could do to make sure a re-order wouldn’t arrive printed exactly the same way, and they wouldn’t rush the redo or anything, so the replacement photos wouldn’t have arrived until tomorrow and still might have been wrong. And I think that experience sapped the life out of the cards project. I’d been so ahead of the game! Addressing the cards! Ordering the prints in plenty of time! And then: prints ruined, start all over. It was too much, apparently. Well. I need to rally. I will do it right now.

IT IS TIME.

This year there is more at stake, because several of you signed up to be CALENDAR TWINS as your fundraiser incentive. CALENDAR TWINS means that I will send you a copy of the same calendar I choose for myself, which is very bold and risk-taking of you and I admire you for it. I won’t tell anyone which calendar I chose until AFTER your calendars have arrived, so it will be a FULL SURPRISE.

This gives the whole post a fun little smack of suspense. I always list SOME calendars I’m seriously considering plus a bunch that DO very much appeal to me but I’m posting them more in case someone else wants them / has a good gift recipient for them. But this time when you see all those extra calendars some of you will be thinking “She always says she doesn’t want twelve months of the same thing, so she wouldn’t REALLY choose Goats in Trees or Men in Kilts. …right?” I GUESS YOU’LL FIND OUT, WON’T YOU! (But while I have you here: if you are one of my Calendar Twins and one of the possibilities listed below contains a phobia or Severe Dislike for you, you should let me know.)

There are two calendars I’ve had the 2019 versions of in my cart since last year, because they were almost-buys last time and I wanted to see if they had new versions this year. One of them (the Angie Lewin) does not have a new version, but the other one does:

Este MacLeode calendar. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. So bright and colorful and cheery.

After that, it is just madly into the calendar fray.

(image from Amazon.com)

Feathered Friends calendar. Charming, colorful, whimsical, full of birds.

(image from Amazon.com)

Pusheen calendar. The children don’t usually notice my kitchen calendar, but the year I chose Pusheen EVERYONE was into it.

(image from Amazon.com)

Space Cats calendar. It’s VERY TEMPTING to consider this one, MOSTLY because of how very surprised the calendar twins would be.

(image from Amazon.com)

Farmer’s Market calendar. This one meets my preference for a calendar that is beautiful and comforting without being too cheerful or optimistic to deal with when I’m looking ahead to a busy day/week.

(image from Amazon.com)

Wanderlust calendar. I do not have wanderlust myself, but I do not object to other people wandering and taking beautiful pictures of where they went, so that I can see the places without having to go there.

(image from Amazon.com)

A F*cking 2020 calendar. “Includes profane stickers”! My kids are old enough now that I feel pretty free to have a calendar like this one, and I’d say this might be perfect for right next to my desk. And look at October! It’s terrific. But this is not what I’d choose for the kitchen.

(image from Amazon.com)

Garden of Delights calendar. I need squares to write things in, so this one is ruled out for me, but I think it is so pretty. Maybe for next to my desk, where I don’t need so much square-writing.

(image from Amazon.com)

Fairy Houses calendar. Imagine being so very wee, and having a charming wee little house.

(image from Amazon.com)

Charley Harper calendar. I have a puzzle of one of the months (Tree of Life) and it’s a great puzzle, and that’s almost a reason to choose this calendar.

(image from Amazon.com)

Gustave Baumann, Small Untroubled World calendar. This upcoming year is an election year, and we are going to need soft calming scenes in soft comforting colors.

(image from Amazon.com)

William S. Rice calendar. Another in the soft/calming/comforting category.

(image from Amazon.com)

Kawase Hasui calendar. A third soft/calming/comforting option.

(image from Amazon.com)

Klimt Landscapes calendar. Yet another. This one is a strong contender.

(image from Amazon.com)

Flower Crown Animals calendar. Problem: this would absolutely be a final finalist, but there is less room than usual for the squares, and I need the squares.

(image from Amazon.com)

I Adulted calendar. Has a certain frantic, lowering-the-baseline, let’s-just-get-through-this appeal.

(image from Amazon.com)

Les Fleurs calendar. I love this immediately. I was looking specifically at flower calendars, and they all appealed to me in general but some of them all seemed to be the same palette (every page in pinks/purples) and others seemed like pictures I’d already seen a million times (tulips in sunshine! one entire sunflower filling the page! etc.). This one feels fresh and interesting and different. But the one review has legitimate complaints: there is a little uninteresting comment on each page (I can live with that), and there are no lines between the squares (I don’t know if I can live with that).

(image from Amazon.com)

Fleurs calendar. This one is also very pretty, and has lines between the squares.

(image from Amazon.com)

Redouté calendar. Another nice floral assortment, better than I’d expected from the cover.

(image from Amazon.com)

William Morris calendar. I would buy more of this sort of thing if the selections were more SEASONAL. Like, in December I want spruce/red/green, and in spring I want flowers/pastels.

(image from Amazon.com)

Guinea pig calendar. I had a guinea pig calendar one year next to my desk, and it remained cute all year, and the children were interested in it and enjoyed it.

(image from Amazon.com)

Bee calendar. BEES.

(image from Amazon.com)

Garden of Dreams calendar. This is so close to what I’m looking for. I love most of the pages, but a couple of them cross into Slightly Creepy for me. Plus: no squares.

(image from Amazon.com)

Masha D’yans calendar. I’ve had this one twice, and have been happy with it, and I recommend it.

(image from Amazon.com)

Feline calendar. Do you remember earlier, when I was talking about how I like flower calendars but sometimes they seem trite or boring? Same with cat calendars: looking at a cat calendar, I sometimes feel as if I’ve seen all the images before. But not this one.

(image from Amazon.com)

Pooch calendar. I like this dogs one too, and the whole dog concept is a soothing one for me.

(image from Amazon.com)

Rebecca Campbell calendar. These are interesting to look at and may cross the line into slightly too surreal.

(image from Amazon.com)

The Bird calendar. WHAT IS THIS WONDERFULNESS I AM LOOKING AT

(image from Amazon.com)

Birds of the World calendar. There are too many good calendars to choose from this year. This one is pretty to look at AND educational.

(image from Amazon.com)

Birds calendar. I MEAN! I would choose this one for December’s bird expression alone. No lines between columns of squares, but it occurs to me I could fix that with a ruler and a fine-tip marker.

(image from Amazon.com)

Bodleian Library calendar. I looked just to see if there were any library calendars and HECC YES THERE IS A LIBRARY CALENDAR

I am taking so many ideas from the comments on the I Hate Winter post. Just for starters, I am ALL IN on the idea of buying a lot of interesting Alternative Lights on post-Christmas clearance, calling them fairy/twinkle lights rather than Christmas lights, and having LIGHTS FOR THE REST OF WINTER. I think I saw some snowflake-shaped ones that would be perfect for January, and then YES to red/white for February, YES to green/white for March, YES, I am IN, YES, LET’S DO THIS.

Someone asked if I had a mood light and I do, because a few weeks ago Paul bought one and put it on my desk in front of me and plugged it in and switched it on. I sit in front of it every morning while I am having breakfast. I don’t know if it’s helping, but it has the benefit of feeling like there is something I am doing about this. The exact one he bought is no longer on the site at all for some reason, but it’s a Verilux HappyLight Lumi VT31 and looks roughly like the VT22 shown here; the main difference seems to be that mine has three different levels of light working up to 10,000 whatevers of light, and the VT22 is only the 10,000 whatevers.

YES to taking/upping vitamin D. My doctor told me awhile back to take 1-2 of whatever the dose is I’m taking (that is, of whatever dose she told me to take, which I’ve forgotten and the vitamin cupboard is so far away), so I take 1/day in summer and I take 2/day in winter. Again: I don’t know if it’s helping, but it feels like I am Doing Something, which is helpful no matter what.

YES to Julia’s reminder that before the end of this month, we will hit the solstice and then every day will be longer. It makes a huge difference to me to KNOW the days are on the upswing, even if I can’t tell yet.

YES to Blythe appreciating that at least this weather is a good match for one’s mood, as opposed to the RUDE SLAP of beautiful sunny weather when everything is terrible.

YES to KC’s idea of planting some seeds indoors and watching their hopeful little sproutings. Basil is a GREAT idea.

YES to Lynn’s hot drinks. So comfortingly WARM on the tum and the hands.

YES to Phancymama’s winter cocktails. My favorite winter drink is Drambuie, which is not a cocktail but it is fancy. Also, I sometimes drink brandy: I hate the taste, but literature has taught me that it’s good for health, warmth, nerves, and shock, all of which seem PERFECT for winter.

YES to Liz’s reminder that winter might be lousy, but that’s what makes it so cozy to be indoors with a book and a hot drink / winter cocktail / box of chocolate / stack of books. Summer evenings have their own charms, but “coziness” is not one of them.

YES to my sister-in-law reminding me of no mosquitoes/ticks and no leg-shaving and not being all sweaty/sticky all the time!

YES to StephLove’s wish that Christmas came a little later in winter when we needed it more. Paul and I accidentally re-invented the timing: I was telling him about Julia saying it was cheering that soon the days would be getting longer, and then I said it was nice it happened right around Christmas, just as he said we ought to have some sort of big celebration right around that time of year to mark that cheering shift.

Also. I have had a thought. I love having a countdown-to-Christmas calendar, but that just adds one more sad thing AFTER Christmas: no more happy little treat each day. What if we were to buy Advent / Countdown to Christmas calendars on clearance and then use them AFTER CHRISTMAS?? Like, start them on the day AFTER Christmas. Or actually: I am usually still pretty good through New Year’s Eve. So I will buy some and start using them on January 1st. I bought a Target’s 12 Days of Beauty one already on a Black Friday deal, and I’m going to save it until January. (I see it is now on a buy-one-get-one-50%-off deal, which is very close to as good as the deal I got, which was 30% all beauty sets. This might be nice for buying one for yourself and one for a winter-hating friend. Or one for yourself, one for your 14-year-old daughter who gets into your make-up/moisturizers now. Or one for yourself, a DIFFERENT set for your 14-year-old daughter who wants to try false eyelashes, heaven help us.)

It wouldn’t have to be an advent/12-days/countdown calendar per se: any of those gift sets they put on clearance after the holidays would work. Like, say you found a Burt’s Bees gift set of lip balms and lotions on clearance: then you could let yourself take out one item from the gift set each day, either your pick or else choosing one without peeking. Or let’s say you found a Burt’s Bees gift set, a hostess-gift box of assorted teas, a gift set of the face mists Miss Grace has us all using these days, a gift set of nail polishes, and a package of Reese’s Peanut Butter trees, all on post-holiday clearance: you could let yourself choose one little treat each day, whatever was most appealing. Today a face mist! The next day a peanut-butter tree! The next day a lip balm! The next day a packet of tea! Maybe then another lip balm before moving on to a nail polish! Or if you prefer surprises, you could open all the boxes and jumble all the items together into a bag and reach in each day without looking. Or you could simplify the whole thing and instead buy a big bag of candy and then reach in all day every day whenever.

I feel like with the “fairy lights until daffodils” concept and the “little treat every day” concept, we might be able to ride this out.

I don’t know why adding a part-time job has SO DEPLETED my available time, well beyond what I would have expected based on the number of hours, but also it’s The Holidays and that is certainly contributing. I credit Elizabeth with getting me over the hurdle of decorating this year: she was like “Girl. We need to get out the Christmas dishes,” and I find her very persuasive, and also she will HELP with the tasks she suggests, and also she is the kind of persistent where you might as well just give in because you won’t stop hearing her calm, gentle, repeated suggestions until you do, and so we DID get out the Christmas dishes, and then we got out the Christmas bird and the Christmas llama and the Christmas mugs and the Christmas everything else, and all of those things are very happy to see.

And the Christmas lights are up. Christmas Light Time is my favorite time of year. I am trying not to pre-dread the dark winter days ahead when the Christmas lights come down and their absence is deeply felt. (I extremely relate to this comic about the two stages of winter.) Maybe this year I will leave the lights up until there are daffodils.

I am trying to Think! More! Positively! even though I hate that whole concept so I am not sure why I am attempting it, except that I am hoping not to plummet as far this winter as I did last winter. The new job helps: doing something active and productive each day feels good, and also I am nice and warm for those few hours at least. When I get home from work I do Preventative Warmth: I put on my wool socks and my warm slippers and several layers of warm tops, and I bring another warm top or a throw blanket to wherever I am going to be, since when I get to a certain level of Chilly and Sad I find it difficult to make myself do anything about it, and instead sit in despair noticing how the tip of the nose really does get distinctly cold.

Anyway, one of my exercises in Thinking! Positive! was to find something good to say about winter, particularly the post-Christmas part of winter, and what I came up with is that all winter long I can think happily about how spring is coming next. (The downfall of spring is that all spring I am dreading summer. But the nice thing about summer is that I can look forward to fall! Unfortunately all fall I am dreading winter.)

Let’s see, more positive things about winter. I love a lot of my cold-weather clothes. (I hate a lot of my hot-weather clothes.) I like flannel sheets and heavy warm bedding. The snow looks pretty when it is falling. I can’t think of anything else. I hate winter.

I hate dealing with snow. I hate driving on icy/snowy roads. I hate worrying that snow/ice will ruin plans. I hate slushy parking lots. I hate how snow/ice build up so that parking lots and driveways get smaller and smaller. I hate how early it gets dark, and I hate the combination of cold/dark, which is SO MUCH COLDER than cold/light. I hate trying to bring in multiple loads of groceries without tracking snow/slush into the house. I hate all the boot/shoe/slipper changes.

My big kids are home, and I have been baking and cooking while they sleep in until I wake them at 2:00 in the afternoon. This morning when Paul got up at 4:00 (he gets up early to avoid the dealbreaker traffic on his commute, but now can’t break the habit on days he doesn’t go to work), Rob was still awake, and didn’t go to bed until 6:00. I am trying not to be concerned, but that really doesn’t seem right. *forehead fret-lines deepen*

This morning Paul made cinnamon buns, which was delightful, and such a perfect smell to wake up to, and such a nice addition to breakfast before I start on another day of cooking. I want to say all that first, so you know I know what a lovely thing this was, because NEXT I want to tell you that he put raisins in them, which is not the weird thing: the weird thing is that he put raisins in them FOR ME.

Reader, it is tempting to exaggerate here and say that I HATE raisins, or to say “That man has never seen me eat a raisin,” or whatever, and neither of those would be exactly true, but they have the FEEL of truth when what I am trying to convey is how close I came to adding this to the “Evidence of early-onset Alzheimer’s?” list. I WILL eat a raisin, and in fact a couple of decades ago I used to add them deliberately to Grape-Nuts, and I did enjoy that combination; I also used to eat Raisin Bran, so the case against my claim of not liking raisins has weak points. Also, recently I had lunch at Panera and they had an oatmeal-raisin cookie concept to which they had added dried berries, and I chose that on purpose and paid money for it and ate it. But the idea that anyone would ADD RAISINS to something, on purpose, FOR ME, is…extremely odd. I would say my USUAL reaction to “things with raisins in them” is shudder/avoid. I appreciate that other people like/love raisins, and I understand it because there are similar things that I like that other people don’t like, but if you LOVE raisins in cinnamon rolls I do hope you understand that that information is relevant only if you are explaining why Paul added raisins for YOU.

When Paul first told me he had added raisins to the cinnamon buns had not yet revealed that he considered that An Act of Love, I reacted with an incredulous “WHY??” After he explained it was for me, I said “But we both hate raisins in things? Especially WARM raisins?” and he said that HE hated raisins in things but that I was always choosing food that had things in it that he hated. I’m not sure that explanation improved anything.

Well. I ate a cinnamon bun with raisins in it, because it is not possible to wake up to Cinnamon Bun Scent and then not consume cinnamon buns, and it was fine—especially because Paul does not normally cook with raisins (because we both dislike raisins, particularly warm raisins) so he doesn’t know you have to soak them first if you want them to retain moisture during baking, so they were small and shriveled rather than squishy and plump. Which, for someone who dislikes raisins, particularly warm raisins, is a good thing.

I just want to say again, because I think this kind of thing is difficult to explain without inviting misunderstanding, that I am not sharing (1) a story of how I don’t appreciate that I am married to someone who makes homemade cinnamon rolls, or (2) a story of how I don’t appreciate that I am married to someone who tries to do something he’ll think I like (especially nice when it’s something HE doesn’t like), but rather: (3) a story of how surreal it is when the partner of OVER HALF MY LIFE does something such as add raisins to something because he knows how much I love raisins, when I do not in fact even LIKE raisins, and he never sees me eat raisins, and he and I have discussed on multiple occasions how much we dislike raisins (particularly warm raisins).

I have been so tired and sad recently, and small tasks feel overwhelming, and medium tasks feel impossible. Paul bought me a HappyLight, and set it up right at my desk, and helpfully switched it on, and I am too listless and Novembery to take any of it personally.

I made a bunch of purchases recently that all coincidentally need to be returned, and I am not confident it’s going to happen. It is especially discouraging because each thing was purchased to accomplish something on my overwhelming to-do list, so getting those things done was so satisfying—but now not only do I have to do the returns (I HATE returning things, even when it is easy and uneventful), I have to uncheck all those boxes. Present for impossible-to-buy-for eldest son? Unchecked. Warm cozy vest to help me not be cold every single second? Unchecked. New winter coat in my current size? Unchecked. Second attempt at a new winter coat in my current size? Unchecked. Some cute things for fundraiser care packages? Unchecked. New shoes for Henry? Unchecked.

Also, we scheduled a fall clean-up for today. They were supposed to be here first thing this morning. They have not arrived. They have not responded to texts or calls.

I would like to talk a little bit about my library job, because I am still feeling happy about that. I’ve been there three months. It is definitely getting more boring/repetitive now, but not in a way I mind yet. When I sign up to cover someone else’s shift, I find as the shift approaches I think “Oh, good, I’m going into work tomorrow!” instead of “Ug, why did I agree to cover that shift??”

Guess what? We’re allowed to take any library discards we want! Isn’t THAT a dangerous option to have! And the discards aren’t just old copies of books no one reads anymore, they’re also the half-dozen extra copies of a new popular book we had while the book still had a huge waiting list. So far I have taken home only one discard (the Jincy Willett book The Writing Class, which I talked about here), because (1) I only just found out it was okay to take discards and (2) I am being VERY CAREFUL NOT TO OVERDO IT. (IT WOULD BE SO EASY TO OVERDO IT.)

One of my favorite tasks is going around collecting all the books/DVDs/etc. people requested online. I especially like it when I go to look for an item, and it isn’t there, and then I look somewhere else and don’t find it, and then I look somewhere else and don’t find it, and then I look somewhere else and I FIND IT. I also enjoy sorting out shelf tangles, where something was misshelved and then other things were misshelved because of the misleading misshelved item. Sometimes these two things are combined: for example, today I went looking for a fiction book by Melissa De La Cruz, and it was not with the two other Melissa De La Cruz books, and while looking for it I discovered a shelf tangle (books by Dean had been filed in the midst of the Da_ section, starting a little mini De_ section where it should not be). And then, after I’d looked through all the D’s and hadn’t found the book I was looking for, my eyes fell upon it sitting at the end of a shelf of C’s! …I realize this story loses something in the retelling, so you will have to trust me that the whole thing was exhilarating and fun and satisfying.

Here is a small happy thing: when I am looking for where a book belongs, and I find there is still a gap on the shelf where the book was taken out. It is so pleasing to put the book right back where its gap is waiting for it.

Something else I like about this job is that I’m almost completely unmonitored. It surprised me at first, especially when I was new and it seemed like maybe they should do a little more monitoring. But now it feels like they let me manage my own time, and since I CAN manage my own time, I like this a lot. I can disappear for an hour and no one asks where I’ve been (and if they DID ask, I know I have an answer they’d like). If I’m shelving, and I find a big shelf tangle and it takes me half an hour to sort it out, I don’t have to worry that they’ll think I’m off slacking. They seem to just ASSUME that I will figure out the best way to spend my time—or, at least, that I will figure out an acceptably good way to spend my time. This is in SHARP CONTRAST to most other entry-level jobs I’ve had.

This is the third post in a row about my Halloween costume, which is weird because I do not usually do any posts at all about my Halloween costumes, because I do not usually wear a Halloween costume, because I do not usually want to. This job has already changed me.

First of all, I would like to say that wearing a costume to work was 100% the right decision for this particular workplace. I’ve been at this job just over two months and mostly I am flitting briskly back and forth across the library, so I am not getting to know my co-workers very quickly; it felt to me that when I wore the costume, everyone warmed to me another degree. They were all wearing costumes, and I had shown up in a costume, and this bonded us a little. I think I got Participant Points. Also, I was cute: one of my sterner co-workers looked at me with shining eyes and said “Awwww, a little BEE!!”

Secondly, a BEE costume in particular was absolutely the right choice for a Public/Community Setting. I got LOTS of pleased glances from patrons: a bee is easy to recognize and widely considered to be cute and appealing. Little children attending a cute library Halloween event knew what I was supposed to be and were not scared of me. Also, because my job involves the aforementioned flitting back and forth across the library, the bee felt appropriate for my activity type. AND it was comfortable enough, although the wings kept shifting and bapping into my head when I had to lean over.

Those of you who follow me on Twitter may have seen that there was A TERRIBLE CATASTROPHE involving my bee antenna: the delivery person put them in our mailbox, which they were not allowed to do because the delivery person was not USPS; the USPS driver then apparently picked up the package, either mistaking it for outgoing mail or else deliberately removing a package that should not have been there. Well, or maybe the package was coincidentally stolen, who knows, doesn’t matter, it was gone. Amazon gave me a refund, but it was too late to get replacements. LUCKILY, I have the headband I keep to prevent me from buying further headbands, and I had pipe-cleaners, so the day was saved, though I was still disappointed: we had no black pipe-cleaners, so I had to use yellow, and they were a very different yellow from my shirt and shoes. BUT IT WAS FINE.

Also: the wings I wore were from a literal toddler costume, and they fit fine—in case you are thinking of putting together a bee costume of your own. They were the kind with two elastic loops to go around your shoulders. If anything, the small size of the wings created an even more whimsical effect.

For next year, if I am still at the library, I plan to acquire black leggings and a yellow-and-black tutu and better antennae.