KITTEN!

29 Replies

GUESS WHAT WE GOT A KITTEN:


(holding back paw with front paw)

 


(yelling at me from the top of the stairs)

 

It was not my intention to get a kitten.  Kittens can be challenging, and they have the danger-seeking instincts of human toddlers, and also they tend to be adopted quickly, and also I think of them as being better adopted in pairs. And kittens get into drawers and cupboards and dryers and closing doors. But we have been trying to replace our dear departed Third Cat since about January, and I kept refreshing the shelter’s cat section, and it kept being cats who were, say, already 12 years old or, even more importantly, not good with other cats. Or there would be a great cat, but it would be available right before we were about to leave for England for a week.

Anyway, finally I became willing to consider kittens, and then a couple weeks ago the most perfect kitten was on the site: cute as heck, but more importantly it said she was very good with other cats. I made an appointment to see her. And the shelter employee led me into a room with half a dozen kittens, and I met the kitten I had in mind—and she didn’t seem right for us. First of all, she was 8 weeks old, which I knew but hadn’t fully processed; an 8-week-old kitten is about the size of a large baked potato. But also, she seemed like she was a baby sassy queen, and we already have a sassy queen.

I continued to hang out with the kittens. There was a very sweet little orange-and-white boy one, just exactly as perfectly sweet and dumb as boy-oranges can be—but we already have two orange-based cats, including one sweet/dumb boy-orange, and Elizabeth has said no more orange ones for now. Elizabeth is not the boss of us, but three orange-type cats does start to seem like the beginning of a hoarding issue, in a way that three cats of assorted colors does not. Plus, this was another baked-potato-sized kitten. They seem so unformed at that age; I felt nervous to deal with something so tiny.

Gradually I became aware of another kitten hiding under/behind some Hiding Furniture. I noticed two things about this kitten: (1) the kitten kept snuggling up to a sleeping friend, which seemed like a good sign for getting along with other cats; (2) the kitten was hiding, but kept LOOKING at me—and not cringing or turning away, even though it was hiding and wasn’t coming out to meet me.

I talked with the shelter employee for awhile about it; she looked in the kitten’s file and said he was a boy, and that he was available, and that he was 4 months old—which feels to me like a MUCH better age for a kitten. At 4 months, they’re more like a bag of flour: still little danger-seekers, but there’s a whole category of places they can no longer get into. I had a good feeling about this kitten, and adopted him without even really seeing what he looked like: I could tell he had black and white fur, but that was it.

Well. I don’t want to speak too soon, but he’s just been THE BEST. He’s interactive with people, which is not required but we do enjoy that. We don’t require cuteness, either, but I think he’s VERY cute; he often has this wide-eyed Blown Away expression on his face. But best of all, he seems to understand Cat Politics: when one of our two adult cats hisses at him, he stops/drops/rolls and shows his belly, almost bored—like, “Oh for real? Oh, okay, fine, yes, I will assume the posture; there, are we done? can we play now?” Our bossy queen is not going to want to play with him, probably (she’s the kind of cat who likes to interact mostly with people, not other cats), but she will co-exist with him as long as he doesn’t cringe and run: when our former cat cringed and ran, she HAD to chase him, it made her so angry. This kitten defers to her but isn’t scared of her, and I think that’s going to work well for them. She licked his head this morning, though she then immediately hissed at him again.

And we hardly dare hope that this kitten could be a friend for our boy-orange, our boy-orange who has been sad and lonely since his friend died in December. But it looks as if that relationship is starting out well so far: there has been a lot of nose-sniffing and tail-sniffing, and one tentative play session. My hope is that soon there will be snuggling.

College ER Visit

26 Replies

During college orientation, Elizabeth tested positive for Covid and missed her entire first week of classes. Then she texted us photos of two consecutive negative tests, and said she and her roommate had stopped wearing masks in their room, and we felt considerable relief. The next text we got was that EVERYTHING WAS FINE but she was in the ER. She had gone out for ice cream with friends, and had accidentally eaten a flavor that contained tree nuts, which she is allergic to. She took benadryl, which is the first step for her: it’s a relatively mild allergy, so small exposures caught early can often be treated with just benadryl. But she threw up the benadryl, which is one of the list of signals the allergist gave us that would indicate the benadryl was not sufficient in this case. So she called the campus emergency number, and they talked her through self-administering her Epipen which she had never done before, and they called her an ambulance, and she went to the ER.

That could have been broken into two to three paragraphs, but I packed it into one because THAT WAS HOW IT FELT.

We were texting back and forth with her while she waited out her time in the ER: they give her a bunch of medications to counteract the allergic reaction, but then she has to stay there for a certain number of hours so they can make sure those medications were sufficient to fully stop the reaction. This is when she mentioned casually that her release time was 10:30 p.m. (and we know from experiencing Hospital Time on numerous occasions that this could very well mean 11:00 or 11:30), and that she would need to find her own way back to campus BUT DON’T WORRY because the very nice nurse said he would help her figure out Uber.

Well. Well. Lots of good Life Experience happening these first couple of weeks.

She said while she was in her dorm waiting for the ambulance, her R.A. came by to check to see how she was recovering from Covid. She was like “Oh, yes, good news: two negative tests. But also, uh…”

She did manage to set up Uber and arrange a ride back to her dorm. We stayed up until she texted that she was safely back, which was right around 11:30 p.m. Paul then went immediately to sleep, and I lay awake feeling the kind of freezing cold where you know you have to get out of bed to get something warm but you’re too cold to do that. Eventually I had to pee (#evergreen), so I used that opportunity to put on a hoodie and get an extra blanket, and then I could sleep. I’d turned off Do Not Disturb on my phone in case there were further texts, but I worried I’d sleep through them; I worried about her going right to sleep in her room and maybe sleeping through signs that the reaction was back.

First thing in the morning, she texted to say she was fine and had lived through the night. Our insurance card has an instruction on it, saying that if you use emergency care you should call your PCP within 48 hours, so I had her do that. The PCP’s office bungled the whole thing as usual, insisting Elizabeth needed a virtual appointment with the PCP even though Elizabeth explained she was away at school and also didn’t need an appointment, and then calling back to scold her for trying to get away with making a virtual appointment when she was not in the state. So we will see how this shakes out, insurance-wise. My understanding is that ER visits are covered even if they are outside the coverage area, but we’ve never had to test it before, so I don’t know how many hoops there will be.

Down to One Child

33 Replies

William is back at college now, and we are down to one child in the house, and I will tell you I am not altogether cool with these developments. I am experiencing a time of making non-equivalent comparisons: that is, I think to myself, incorrectly, in an attempt to self-soothe, things like “This is what families with only TWO children feel after the VERY FIRST child goes to college!!” But in a family with two children, when their first child goes, they are down to HALF THEIR CHILDREN, whereas when my first child left I lost only 20% of my children! And, in a similar vein, when a family with two children is down to only one child, they are down to HALF THEIR CHILDREN, whereas I am down to 20% of my children! And you may wonder, why is she all worked up NOW, when she already went from five to four to three and now to one?—but all summer I have had FOUR children at home, which is almost my FULL ALLOTMENT, and now it feels very abrupt to be suddenly down to one. Anyway what I’m saying is that in this frame of mind it’s tempting to make inaccurate/unuseful comparisons, and I am not in the right frame of mind to sort them out, so I beg your indulgence as I spin out a little.

Here is something I noticed RIGHT AWAY. Normally, when Paul and I are going on an errand, let’s say to the grocery store, or maybe we want to see if we can replace the recliner the cats have absolutely CHEWED UP; when, as I say, we are going on an errand, we say to the nearest child, ideally the O.A.T. (Oldest Available Thistle—this is taken from O.A.P., Oldest Available Penderwick), “Child, attend to this announcement: your parents are going on an errand,” and we assume that child will alert/inform the others as needed. If no children are in our vicinity, and/or if all children are sleeping, we will leave a note: “Mother and Father have gone on an errand 9:15 a.m.” or whatever.

But here is what I noticed within an hour of being down to one child: when Paul and I were thinking of going out to replace the recliner, I thought of notifying Henry—but then my overriding inclination was to INCLUDE HENRY. Like, INVITE HIM ON THE BORING ERRAND. I wonder if this happens with Only Children. In the years since the children were old enough to be left on their own, it has felt only LIBERATING to leave them alone as we go on errands without them; now, suddenly, with only one child left, it feels Unsettling. And this happened, as I say, within hours of dropping the other child at college: it was an almost immediate and automatic adjustment—and perhaps not a permanent one. My guess is that my parents, who had two children, did not feel this way after dropping me at college—but perhaps they DID!! Perhaps they felt similarly unsettled about my poor brother, a small sad helpless baby junior in high school, as Henry is!

Similarly, it suddenly feels weird to imagine going on a Date Night, unless Henry has plans of his own for that evening. I’m not saying it SHOULD seem weird, and please remember I am literally less than 12 hours into this new frame of mind so this is not where I’m planning to STAY—but it feels to me like there is a WORLD of difference between the scenario where Paul and I leave three or four or five kids to eat pizza and watch a movie while we go out alone for dinner, and this new scenario where we leave Henry alone while we go out for a special dinner. If you see what I mean.

Even GOING TO BED feels different, or it does on this the first night of it! Normally when Paul and I head for bed, we have been leaving THREE TO FOUR CHILDREN still up! We have locked up, but we have WORRIED NOT about the lights, or about the overall emotional stability/support of the household! No, we go to bed before 10:00, and they stay up later, and we don’t any of us fret ourselves! But now: now! The two of us go to bed, leaving, what, Henry alone? in the house? to figure out the rest of the evening?? the lights?? ALL OF IT??

Recommendations

14 Replies

I have three things to recommend:

1. The Barbie movie. Perhaps you have heard of it! If it seems like it could remotely be your thing (I did not like Barbie as a child, and yet the movie was still very much my thing), I suggest seeing it in a theater, because I think it is fun to have been part of a huge cultural event/reference, and this seems like a huge cultural event/reference, and I think you will be glad to be able to say you saw it in the theater.

2. Trader Joe’s dried mandarin oranges. They don’t look as good as they taste. I need to mention, though, that although I went absolutely wild for them and am going to buy like six bags the next time I’m there (our Trader Joe’s is about 40 minutes away, so it’s a rare visit), I made three family members try them, and none of those family members liked them at all. It was baffling to me. I also love the Trader Joe’s dried orange slices, which are a different flavor: bitter along with the sweet, because you eat the peel. But the mandarins are so tart and sweet, and not as pithy as they look like they’d be! Why didn’t anyone else like them?

3. The book Shark Heart, by Emily Habeck (Target link, Amazon link—but I recommend getting it from the library).

(image from Target.com)

It’s an ODD BOOK, and it is the kind of odd that sometimes I like and sometimes I can’t tolerate. This time it was the kind I really liked. I think it would make a fun gift, because the recipient would read aloud the flap description and everyone would say “whaaaaaaaaaa,” and that would be some Gift Value right there, even if they didn’t end up liking the book!

Workplace Halloween Costume for a Middle-Aged Woman

45 Replies

I work in a workplace where a lot of people dress up, and where the customers/patrons/children seem to appreciate/enjoy costumes, so I would like to wear a costume to work on Halloween.

I own these two wigs (link to the pink one; blue one apparently no longer available):

screenshot from Amazon.com

 

I am willing to buy:

• clothes I can wear again for other occasions
• especially a froofy dress, like this one or this one that have been in my cart anyway
• small, inexpensive accessories
• a tutu, because I’d enjoy the excuse
• not much; I don’t even really LIKE Halloween normally

 

The costume does not have to involve the wigs or a dress or a tutu. The costume must be:

• work-appropriate (library) (shouldn’t be scary to little children)
• moveable and not warm (I move around a lot and get overheated)
• relatively easy to understand/explain

 

Here is a costume I have already used twice for this purpose and could theoretically use again but would probably buy new wings because the wings I’ve been using were made for, like, a gradeschooler, and are snug and uncomfortable:

• bee (yellow-and-black striped shirt no longer available to link to; wings from a child’s costume we had in our Halloween costume box; antennae made from a headband and black pipecleaners)

 

Here are some costumes I have considered:

• Barbie! I could wear a pink gingham dress and add a daisy necklace (it’s pink-centered white flowers in the movie, but daisy is close enough and I’m more willing to buy it) and put my hair back in a pink bow! But even though I VERY MUCH enjoyed the Barbie movie, I am not sure I want to…dress as Barbie. Or maybe I do! I go back and forth. I won’t/can’t wear heels, so would have to figure out shoes.

(image from Amazon.com)

 

• Crayon, using a t-shirt that roughly matches either wig. But I don’t really like…t-shirts made to be costumes. Even though they seem like they would EXACTLY fit my issue, which is that I want to wear a costume but I don’t want to spend much money or be too overheated.

screenshot from Amazon.com

(image from Amazon.com)

 

• Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz! I could get the blue gingham dress and put my hair in two weird ponytails and wear red Converse and carry a stuffed animal in a basket! This would be a leading contender except that I don’t like The Wizard of Oz! or Dorothy! But it meets all of my requirements: easy to recognize/explain; I can buy a dress I don’t mind buying; I already have the other items. And does it really MATTER if I don’t like her/it?

(image from Amazon.com)

 

• Princess Bubblegum! I could buy the pink gingham dress (she wears solid pink but gingham is close enough and I’m more likely to re-wear), and wear the pink wig (it’s not her hairstyle/length, but it’s pink), and figure out the crown using cardboard or something. But…I am not sure Adventure Time / Princess Bubblegum is well-known enough to be easy to explain.

screenshot from Amazon.com

(image from Amazon.com)

 

• Cat or mouse or whatever! I could wear the ears and the tail, and put a pink-lipstick nose and black-eyeliner whiskers on my face! I have not seen cat/mouse ear/tail sets I like, but I could keep looking.

 

• Just wear a pink or blue wig and call it a day! There’s no law that it has to be a whole costume!

 

 

I would love to dress as something I am an ardent fan of! But…I don’t think I am a fan of anything that works as a costume. I could dress as Love Nikki Dress Up Queen, but that is not anything most people would recognize. I could dress as a Pokemon Go character, but that is not a costume I can assemble out of items I already have and/or can use again.

Wednesday

19 Replies

It is fair to say I am a little emotionally fragile right now. I am returning to some of the basics I remember relying on in the early days of the pandemic: eat! exercise! take vitamins! do something social—and that includes a quick text or email! clean something—and that includes doing something small that takes one minute, or throwing away one expired bottle/jar/can of something! notice when I’m scrolling/refreshing beyond the point of usefulness and do something else instead! Other soothing little thoughts: Go Easy. Give It Time.

I am despairing about Elizabeth missing her first few days of her very first year of college, and I am attempting (1) to put that into perspective (no need for me to list for you all the ways in which things could be worse, I feel we all have over-ready access to those thoughts) and (2) to remember how I have felt similar despair over other things that have Gone Wrong, and then gradually with time have felt less and less despair, until sometimes later I say “What? Oh yeah! I vaguely remember being upset about that!” It is likely that before too long I will feel less despair about this situation, too. I will wait for that.

I am trying not to despair over the certainty that soon Edward will have Covid: the goal all along was to push that inevitable event DOWN THE ROAD, which we have done; we have already succeeded in that goal. If and when it happens, everything/everywhere is set up to be More Ready to deal with it—and Edward has been given extra vaccinations because of being immunocompromised, and those vaccinations have been shown to lessen the severity of the illness. I will not think of all the various ways in which Covid could make the first semester of college difficult; I will not catastrophize and say “Well, ‘More Ready’ except if we are just plunging RIGHT BACK into overwhelmed hospitals and unfamiliar variants!!” And I will not rant about how we as a society decided we were Done dealing with Covid, and so now we get to keep dealing with Covid. Instead I will say again that the goal was to push Edward’s inevitable infection down the road, and we are down the road.

Monday

10 Replies

I keep forgetting that the twins are not home, and it keeps resulting in painful little stabs. It also keeps being ridiculous, such as when I am dealing with something over text with Elizabeth, and it is a SPECIFICALLY LONG-DISTANCE-RELATED issue we are dealing with, and yet in the middle of that exchange I go to the kitchen for a snack and somehow get surprised by remembering that she is not home and also far away.

Henry and William are the only two kids home right now, and it is an odd combination. This is one of the things I continually find interesting about a larger sibling group, having come from a sibling group of only two: the way there are so many COMBINATIONS. And it’s not ages that make combinations compatible or not: the two closest siblings in this particular sibling group–the two who get along best and I’d predict would be most likely to deliberately live near each other as adults–are Elizabeth and William, and there is a four-year gap there; William has a two-year gap with Rob, and Elizabeth has a two-year gap with Henry and a one-minute gap with Edward, but it’s William and Elizabeth who are chummiest.

Anyway, Henry is the baby at only 16, and secondborn William is 22; and that six-year gap, combined with their own particular personalities, combined with WHO KNOWS WHAT, has meant they haven’t spent much time together except as part of the larger group. I don’t generally push, but in this case they were both bored and both running out of summer, and also I am aware that unexpected/unplanned combinations can lead to good fun memories, so I tried a little PUSH, and now they are watching movies together every day, and teaming up for meals/snacks. It is very gratifying.

I am fairly busy with working extra hours at work to make up for all the hours I missed the last couple of months, and with sending panicky packages of Covid tests and Kraft Mac and KN95 masks and cookies and so forth to the twins. Not to compare the situations, but do you remember in the earlier days of the pandemic how TEARILY HAPPY/RELIEVING it could be to have a package of some essential or useful item ON ITS WAY or ARRIVED? I remember feeling WEEPILY GRATEFUL to successfully receive a box of, say, trail-mix and hand soap and rolled oats and chocolate chips—or even to see that it had shipped. This is similar to how I felt today, when a box of Covid tests arrived to Elizabeth at college; and how I feel knowing a box of Milano cookies and Kraft Easy Mac is waiting for her to pick it up tomorrow morning when the mail center re-opens.

Possible College Covid

29 Replies

Elizabeth texted this morning that she has a fever and a cough and a sore throat. It’s interesting how differently this information hits post-Covid than it would have pre-Covid, when I would have thought “Yep, mix all those kids together and everyone’s going to get sick for awhile! Just like preschool!” She has put on one of the masks she brought with her, and is on a bus to a local store to buy Covid tests; she first checked at the student health center, but they no longer stock tests.

I am not going to panic or freak out! I am going to remain calm. She feels well enough to get on a bus, so it is unlikely she will be hospitalized in the next few hours. And the good news about how almost no one cares about Covid anymore is that the college will not require any action or isolation on her part! How nice! Her use of a mask will in fact be seen as paranoid overkill! How nice!

My agitation is finding its usual channels, so I have already sent several packages: one box of Covid tests from our large stash, which won’t get to her for a few days but will let her continue testing / test later in the semester if this happens again / give her some extras to give to Edward. Another package shipped directly from Amazon, with acetaminophen, goldfish crackers, a pulse oximeter, Kraft Easy Mac, Pepperidge Farm Milanos.

I can’t believe I didn’t send them with tests or pulse oximeters. I felt like I am always too Over the Top about packing, and that I was making good progress on counteracting those impulses—but now that she is FAR AWAY AND SYMPTOMATIC, I feel instead like I let WRONG FEELINGS correct my RIGHT FEELINGS. This is what can happen to those of us with anxiety: everyone says trust your gut, but then we get continual feedback that we-specifically are wrong to trust our specific guts, and so we overcorrect in an attempt to find Normal. AND THEN LOOK WHAT HAPPENS!! My gut is folding its arms and going MM-HM at me and is WELL JUSTIFIED in doing so!! I deserve EVERY POINTED LOOK!

I am not particularly worried about this particular case of Covid: she is vaccinated, which as far as I know is still pretty effective at reducing serious illness and hospitalization. (And if necessary, I could get in the car and be there in seven hours; in fourteen hours I could have her back home and at our local ER. This is the math I do to talk myself down.) I AM worried about long Covid and the long-term effects of Covid, which seem like they can happen to anyone, and which we still don’t know a whole lot about BUT DON’T SEEM GOOD AT ALL.

And of course it might not even BE Covid: put a bunch of people together and we still do get sick with all the other usual viruses.

Update: Test was positive. I have a call in to her doctor to see if they’ll send a prescription for Paxlovid to the pharmacy near her college. I don’t know if that will be covered by our insurance but I am feeling “Let’s just keep taking steps and see how it turns out” about this. Edward is going to take another test. I took a test, since I was in the car with Elizabeth for drop-off; mine was negative.

Further update: Edward’s second test was negative.

College Drop-Off: Twins Edition

15 Replies

We have successfully dropped off the twins at college, and have successfully arrived safely back home without them.

Here are the things that have caused me physical pain since then:

• Arriving home from the drop-off and going up the stairs with my overnight bag and idly/automatically glancing at Elizabeth’s bedroom door as I ALWAYS DO (her door is directly in my line of sight as I come up the stairs) and idly/automatically wondering if she was in there.

• Seeing Edward’s electric throw blanket and cat-patterned fleece blanket folded neatly on the couch where Edward spends significant time luxuriating/languishing, and where those blankets have NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF TIME been neatly folded. I don’t even know who’s going to USE that couch if Edward is not here. It’s basically EDWARD’S LOUNGING COUCH.

• Going out for the mail and seeing three boxes for Goodwill in the mudroom, with labels written by Elizabeth.

• Opening the fridge and seeing the leftover taco meat Edward will not be eating (normally Edward has a burrito every morning to try to increase calories/protein/iron), and realizing I will not now need to double the taco-meat recipe every week in order to create those leftovers, and also realizing Edward is now responsible for finding calories/protein/iron.

• Getting up in the morning and walking past Elizabeth’s room and seeing her door open and thinking “Oh! She’s up early!”

• Coming home from work and seeing only Henry and thinking “Gah, Edward can’t still be SLEEPING??”

• Donating blood, and taking an orange juice from the canteen because I was thinking I could bring it home and give it to Edward.

• Looking for a snack, opening the cheese drawer, seeing an appealing cheese stick but it was the last one, and thinking “Oh, I should save that for Elizabeth.”

• The predicted grocery-store issues. Just absolutely one thing after another there. Absolutely brutal.

 

This is fine. IT’S FINE. IT’S FINE. It really is fine, for real it is fine! But right now I am Not Thinking About It, and waiting for enough time to pass that it won’t be an issue anymore, because that is what happened with Rob and then with William: enough time passed, and then it wasn’t really an issue anymore. In fact I started experiencing only the delicious flip-side: they’re coming home so I am buying their favorite things at the grocery store! they’re home for a visit so I see their closed bedroom door and know they’re in there! I need to make a double-batch of taco meat! etc.!

 

Here is one thing we had to re-learn:

• PACK DISPOSABLE FLATWARE. Paul is really good at finding interesting take-out restaurants! But this is the second time in the last month we have found ourselves in a hotel room with cartons of take-out food and nothing to eat them with! (One might wonder to oneself if a better thing to learn would be “HAVE PAUL LEARN/REMEMBER TO GET DISPOSABLE FLATWARE WHEN HE PICKS UP THE TAKE-OUT ORDER!” But that is the area where we are finding wisdom/serenity, while finding ANOTHER area to change what is in our power to change, which in this case is packing disposable flatware.)

 

Here is one thing we were glad we successfully learned from previous occasions:

• PACK COVID TESTS. Edward woke up the morning of drop-off with what was probably a combination of anxiety and allergies, but none of us could fathom dropping him off with potential Covid symptoms, even though the college has not done ONE SINGLE THING nor made ONE SINGLE MENTION of testing before arrival or being careful about such symptoms. We know the tests are no longer very accurate, and one single negative test is not conclusive, but it was nice to see it NOT turn positive. And even nicer that Edward felt much, much better after taking the test, and the symptoms almost entirely disappeared (and have not developed/increased/continued in the time since then).

Cloud; College

41 Replies

I have recently been under a cloud, and it is a cloud I know some of you know, and it is the cloud of “You are a difficult and neurotic person, and everyone else is better than you and easier to live with than you and easier to be married to than you and easier to be friends with than you. You are the babiest baby about everything, you freak out and complain and get prickly and weird about literally everything, you can’t seem to cope with any of the normal things normal things people can cope with. Other people are nice to their spouse and to their children, and notice their STRENGTHS instead of noticing/nitpicking their WEAKNESSES the way you seem to constantly do. Other families work as a TEAM, whereas YOU seem to inspire YOUR family to shirk and balk; that’s probably because other people are generous and kind and loving, whereas you are a critical ineffective shrew who probably LIKES being a martyr. Other people are doing everything–health, relationships, career, hobbies, fashion–RIGHT, whereas YOU are doing all of those things WRONG. Other people enjoy life while you fret and fritter and overthink and spoil everything and exhaust everyone. You can’t even stop your stupid mouth from blurting out stupid things you think are funny in the moment but then later realize are mean and also dumb and wrong, and everyone else is exchanging glances and wondering who should be the one to suggest you may want to consider another foray into medication/therapy.”

One of the worst conceits of that cloud is the “ONLY YOU” aspect, when we all know PERFECTLY WELL that other people go through it as well—not ALL other people, but MANY other people, including local earth-deity Taylor Swift (“It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me”). And I DO know it perfectly well! And whenever I thought of that, and of how ridiculous I was to be wallowing as if I were special/different, I went on to remind myself, “Yes, but other people have moments when they FEEL that way, whereas you actually ARE that way.” This is like the dreams I have about not being able to find my high school locker, and in the dream I think, “Wait!! I have had dreams like this, and afterward I think, ‘Sure, I guess that would be a little upsetting, but if it DID happen, why wouldn’t you just go to the school office and ask for help?'” And so in the dream I try to find the school office to ask for help, and now the dream is a dream about not being able to find the school office. Thwarted on any level.

Soon we will take the twins to college. There is a large pile of college supplies building up in the dining room. I keep having to run errands to get things I forgot, or things we realized we needed, or things that had to be acquired at the last minute such as prescription refills. We thought we were all set for bedding, and then we were reviewing the college packing list and saw electric blankets are not allowed; Edward was going to bring an electric blanket, so we didn’t buy Edward a comforter; now we will need to zip out and buy Edward a comforter, and maybe also a blanket, because Edward is often chilly, which is why the electric blanket seemed like a good idea.

On one hand I am feeling pretty zippy and efficient, zipping around completing tasks bam bam bam; on the other hand, the agitation of WHAT ELSE MIGHT WE HAVE FORGOTTEN/MISUNDERSTOOD is building. This despite the fact that the twins will be in a college in a city where other people LIVE and BUY THINGS, and there is a COLLEGE BUS that travels regularly to the places where people buy things. MY BABIES: THEY WILL NOT HAVE WHAT THEY NEED AND IT WILL BE MY FAULT. I have done this twice before; why am I not more With It? At this point I am anxiety-ordering THINGS I KNOW WILL NOT ARRIVE IN TIME. I am ordering things FOR MYSELF, because I am anxiety-shopping and I need to purchase things.

I am using coping mechanisms left and right. I needed to get a refill of Elizabeth’s Epipen for her to bring to college, but it’s from a prescription I put on file (i.e., it was not yet ready to be filled, so I had the pharmacy tuck it away for later), and so I didn’t have the prescription number, so the only way to fill it was to call and talk to someone in the pharmacy…….ORRRRRRRR, wait until the pharmacy was CLOSED, and call and leave a message. (This worked.) Meanwhile the high school is sending tasks for Henry’s junior year, and I didn’t have the check-up/immunization forms I needed to submit for him (which, why don’t they automatically send them to the school after every well-child visit, since THEY ABSOLUTELY KNOW THE SCHOOL WILL WANT THEM); it theoretically would have been easier to CALL THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE AND ASK, but instead I wrote a note to the doctor’s office, put it in an envelope, and enclosed a stamped envelope addressed to the school. PERHAPS I AM HOPELESSLY DATED ON NUMEROUS LEVELS. SO BE IT. I AM GETTING THINGS DONE THE WAY I CAN GET THINGS DONE.

I remember long ago when we thought the twins would likely be our last children, and we thought that might be the best way to do it: the last two leave together, no one has to be the final child left staring at their parents across the dinner table! Now I am very glad to have one more child at home. Let’s not talk about how things will feel two years from now, when Henry has graduated high school and we are back in this similar place. I am sure it will be fine, FINE, absolutely FINE!

I am clinging to the memory of how agitated I was when Rob and then William left for college, and how relatively fine I was a relatively short time later. One of the worst parts each time was the grocery store. There are so many things no one has to put on the list because I buy them automatically. Going to the grocery store, reaching for Elizabeth’s mozzarella sticks, Edward’s granola bars, Elizabeth’s vegetarian chicken nuggets, Edward’s English muffins, and realizing we DO NOT NEED TO BUY THOSE THINGS. Well.