I liked all your questions on yesterday’s post about possible sixth babies. And I loved all the “I’m a sixth child!”-type comments, even though those get me thinking, “Who WON’T BE BORN if we stop at five?,” which goes so quickly to “Who won’t be born if we stop at ten?” and “Who won’t be born if we wait another month / start a month early?” and all those “trying to think about infinity” brain twists. Ack.

Elizabeth asked: “Did you always know you wanted a lot of kids?” As a child, I had in mind two kids, which is what we had in my family growing up. Then I went through a time of thinking I didn’t want any children at all; not coincidentally, this was during my babysitting/nannying years. (People can SAY “It’s different when it’s your own,” but man, it’s hard to see how.) Then much later, when Paul and I discussed our future, our decision was to take it one kid at a time and see how it went—but that we’d have four kids unless our experience with one or two or three changed our minds. I don’t know why we felt like there was no such situation as “more than four,” but that’s how we thought of it: as if the options were 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4, and we wanted the maximum allowed.

Erin said, “If I end up with a dozen kids, I will still wonder if maybe thirteen would be nice? Just one more… Just one more…” Oh, Erin, I’m afraid of this! The way I keep wanting more, even when anyone would agree I’d had more than my share! The way I’m not getting tired of this! The way I keep thinking, “What’s one more?”

May asked, “What do your parents say about numero seis? Do they know you’re thinking about it?” My mom and I have talked about it. I get my “Must…have…more…children!” gene directly from her, so she’s all for the idea.

Michelle asked, “Knowing your doctor is that sane, don’t you feel better and trust him more with other things, too?” It really did have that effect! And he was so sensible about the whole thing, too: not sugar-coating the risks, and not talking down to me, just telling me what was known at this point about how the risks would apply in my situation. This is one of the OBs in a practice, and this appointment made me think I’d try to see him more often. Especially if.

Astarte asked, “Do you REALLY think you’ll stop at 6? Or will #6 breed desire for #7?” My GUESS is that it’s going to be a good thing that this whole child-bearing option is a limited time offer. That’s my guess.

Moo asks, “What’s your motivation? Do you feel you aren’t done? Do you just love being pregnant? Do you think your family isn’t complete? Do you just love that newborn smell? Can you afford a sixth child? Does it even matter at this point? Will 6 be enough? Do you have the room for another one?” I’ve thought a lot about WHY I want more, especially since it’s not like I’m one of those moms who just lovvvvves playing on the floor with the kids. I’ve tried on each possible explanation, and the only one that fits is “I just DO.” It is such a huge kick to see what kind of person we get each time.

The affording—I’m not sure how to figure that out when there’s no visible price tag. The biggest expense for us of going from five children to six would be having to get a bigger vehicle: our minivan seats seven. We do have room in the house for another child: there are three kid bedrooms, and any of them has room vertically for another bed over an existing bed. Bunks = awesome.

Misty asks, “So, what does Paul say about all this?” and Jennifer Playgroupie asks, “Where does Paul have this nugget of information tucked?” Yes, well. Paul. As I said to the OB brightly after the OB and I had discussed everything and decided the way was clear: “Now I just have to talk to my husband!”

It makes me feel weird to say I seriously don’t know what he thinks, but I seriously don’t. I know he thinks five children is plenty. I also know he’s been pleasantly surprised at how well five has been working out (differentness than four = not much). And it isn’t as if he wanted to stop at one baby and I pressured him to have more: he’s always wanted a bunch of babies. He likes kids. He IS the “enjoys playing on the floor” type.

I’ve wondered, too, if I would be so set on having another if I didn’t feel like I was in “convince Paul” mode. Like, if he were nagging for another baby, would I be saying, “Well, now, hold on a minute here, let’s think this through sensibly”?

Slice of Paradise points out, “Honestly, you have 5 ~ would one more really break you?” and Erica asks, “After the forth one, isn’t it really a moot point? I mean, what’s one more?” That is EXACTLY what I say to Paul! Between five and six, what is the real difference here? Srsly!

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Pay-it-forward updates:

…and the duck said has a new contest up.

The Creamery is showing the giftie she got, and starting a new contest.

Bebellyboo is showing the giftie she got and starting a two-winner contest.

Day One of the fast went way better than I’d expected it to. I had coffee with milk (and two accidental cookies–yoops) in the morning, coffee with milk for lunch, jitters all afternoon, and chicken for dinner.

I think the reason it was easier than I expected (certainly easier than any much-more-moderate diet I’ve ever been on) is that it was so dramatic. Instead of feeling deprived and sullen as I would have if I’d tried to, say, cut out desserts, I felt all interested in the novelty of this. What would it be like to just….NOT EAT for most of the day?

Today, though, I need to plan better: I had just-chicken for dinner because I was too hungry and distracted to manage figuring out a meal, and so instead I ate all the kids’ leftover chicken. Today’s goal: food groups plural.

Speaking of food, our help has been requested on a toddler food issue:

Vicky writes:

I was hoping you might be able to help me with an issue. I can’t get my 3 year daughter to eat meals with us. She always wants something different. I figure with all your kid experience you might have dealt with this before. I wrote a post about it on my blog which explains stuff we have tried. Thanks for any help you may give.

Oh, Vicky! You have my full sympathy! It makes me hand-wringingly frantic when kids won’t eat. Intellectually, I know the child is fine: I can look at the child and see that the child is not gaunt, or lying listlessly on the ground, or mewling pitifully with hunger. But I still really like to see a child EAT—and dinner especially, because it’s so long until the next meal.

So, as a TOTAL EXPERT (*cough*) with FIVE children’s worth of experience, here is everything I know about getting a child to eat:

Yeah. That’s it. We’ve tried the things you’ve tried: the “this or nothing” approach, the “just eat a little” approach, the “choose what’s for dinner” approach, the “you can have dessert” approach, the “you must take one bite” approach, the “okay, fine, we’ll serve only Kid Food” approach, the “help cook the meal” approach, the “make it fun!” approach. Eight approaches. Score: toddler 8, dinner 0.

Everyone has taken a turn with this, and right now it’s Edward, age 3. He’s not eating dinner. Maybe one night a week, he eats dinner. When we tried making him take a bite (hoping he’d like it and keep eating), he barfed. The next night, we tried it again and he barfed again. He’s a pro, really. And he’s not exactly a hearty breakfast- or lunch-eater, either.

Here’s a picture of him, withered and wasting:

Here is the approach I’m using right now: the “look at him and see if he is thin or sickly” approach. If he does get thin or sickly, I’ll take him to the doctor. Otherwise, I just breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth, and pretend every night that it doesn’t bother me when he doesn’t eat anything.

Anyone with more helpful advice, chime in!

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Pay-it-forward updates:

Sublime Bedlam is showing the giftie she got from Bethtastic.

3Giraffes has posted their new contest.

Seriously!? has a new contest.

Courtney writes:

I’d love to hear you talk about finding out or not finding out the sex of the baby. Here’s the dilemma I’m facing:

I’m not pregnant but we are starting to try for #2. We’ve always wanted at least one boy (and our first was a girl). For some odd reason, I had decided that I didn’t want to find out the sex with the next baby thinking that that would reduce any disappointment if it turned out to be a girl. Of course I feel like I have to say that I would love any baby, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I would be disappointed to not have a boy next because we are only planning on having two children.

I had just about convinced my husband to not find out the sex and now he is making me second guess my decision. He really thinks we should find out for convenience sake, but I argue that it doesn’t really matter because we won’t be re-doing the nursery or buying new things no matter the outcome.

I am an extreme Type A kind of girl and I hate surprises in general so in a way it was kind of an exercise in discipline to see if I could really do it (you know, character building), but now I’m starting to back out thinking that it would just be so much easier to know. I’m just so afraid that if I find out ahead of time that it’s a girl then I will be more disappointed than if I’m there in the hospital when the doctor announces that it’s my new daughter. What are your thoughts on finding out the baby’s gender when you can vs. not finding out? There may be some of your readers out there with some advantages/disadvantages to either scenario that I haven’t already thought of.

At first I thought I would just reply to Courtney’s email and NOT do a post on this: I’ve reached my LIFETIME LIMIT on hearing “It’s like opening the present before Christmas!” and “There are so few surprises in life, I don’t want to spoil one of them!” But then I couldn’t resist: I really, really like hearing what you guys think about things. Um, as long as you don’t say either of those two things, because LIFETIME LIMIT.

It’s hard for me to say for sure, since I found out midway every time, but my feeling is that the surprise is the same either way: it’s merely an issue of finding out sooner (less time to wait) rather than later (more time to wait). I disagree with the point of view that it’s only a surprise if it comes a few months later. I was MIGHTY SURPRISED at each ultrasound, and disliked people implying that the Window of Surprise Opportunity was only open during the birth itself.

Also, for me, the boy/girl surprise is not as big a surprise as the baby itself. I like to spread the surprises out: the boy/girl surprise midway, and the Baby Itself surprise at the end. I can see, though, how it might be nice to have the two surprises happening simultaneously, so that the Baby Itself surprise can overshadow the boy/girl surprise if necessary. Or, you might instead be thinking you don’t want the birth of the baby tainted by any disappointed you might feel if the baby was not the sex you were expecting or hoping for.

One of my primary reasons for finding out midway is that it takes me awhile to adjust to new things, and I wanted plenty of time to get used the situation EITHER WAY. (Another primary reason was that Paul REFUSED to wait, and said that if I didn’t want to know, HE’D find out and not tell me.)

A lot of people like to know ahead of time because of gifts. In my circle, everyone gives presents AFTER the baby is born anyway, so it doesn’t matter.

I think it’s more exciting for OTHER people when someone waits until the birth to find out. It’s hard to beat the “It’s a girl/boy!” announcement.

Some people like to find out midway so that they can feel more connected to the baby, or more prepared for its arrival. I feel that way. The first half of the pregnancy, I feel weird not knowing if the baby I’m imagining is a girl or a boy. I feel happier during the second half, when I know.

Since I like baby names so much, you might think I’d want to wait until the birth so I could choose two baby names, one for a boy and one for a girl. But I find the name hunt exhausting as well as exhilarating, and I have more fun with it when I know what half of the name book to look at. Also, I hate the idea of putting so much effort into finding two perfect names, knowing I’m GUARANTEED to lose one of them. And because names are such a hobby of mine, I’ve even found that they can affect what I hope for: if I find a great girl name but a meh boy name, I start hoping for a girl so I can use the great name instead of the meh one.

Some people like to wait longer because they find the anticipation stimulating, and the excitement of wondering helps them to get through the pregnancy and delivery. I find anticipation wearying and stressful.

I don’t think either way is “better;” I think it’s only a matter of preference. The boy/girl element isn’t the Christmas present, it’s only the wrapping—and you can see the wrapping paper in August and still not lose the magic of Christmas.

Go say congrats to our Kelsey, who has pregnancy news! Yay, Kelsey!

That puts me in the mood to discuss baby names, as if I’m ever OUT of that mood. I’ve had a question sitting in my inbox 4EVA, and this seems like a good time to dust it off. Shelly Overlook asks:

How about asking if anyone regrets what name they chose? While I don’t exactly regret our choice, I wouldn’t choose it again and there may be a tiny part of me that wishes we’d gone with MY first choice (rather than his). I’m curious if anyone else feels the same.

GREAT QUESTION. I’ve had some regrets about our secondborn’s name. It isn’t actually the name William, as you know, but it’s a name that’s roughly as common. We chose it KNOWING it was common: not only did I consult my dear friend The Social Security Administration (where I found that the name was significantly more common in our state than it was nationally), but when I was in my third trimester I ran into two newborn “Williams” on the same day: one at the pediatrician’s office and one at the portrait studio. I went home in a panic saying to Paul that we MUST START ALL OVER, and he said, “Sorry, too late: that’s his name.” I was relieved, because that’s how I felt, too.

So we went into it with eyes wide open, and we love the name, and it does suit him. But…gosh. When I enrolled him in first grade, the registrar said, “Oh, we’ve got a LOT of those!” That’s…not a happy thing to hear. I find that his is the only name I don’t practically shout out when someone asks my kids’ names. I feel like people are thinking, “Oh. Yes. THAT name again.” All the other kids have names that have been a “happy balance”: common enough to be familiar, uncommon enough that nobody’s had a duplicate in class or in our social/family circle.

So now Shelly and I are very eager to hear: Do you have any regrets about your kids’ names? Did you go too common? too unusual? Did you give in to a spouse and now wish you’d held your ground? And don’t tease me, goldangit: if you can’t reveal the names in the comment section for anonymity reasons, email me at swistle at gmail dot com and tell me what they are! I demand it! …Fine, you don’t HAVE to. But I will be dying of curiosity. DYING.

Oh my god! What is HAPPENING in here? Diets? Exercise? Psychiatric self-analysis? *brushing frantically at walls, shoving things under carpet, brushing off hands and walking away briskly*

Let’s turn our attention instead to the problem of grubby children.

The bathing! There is so much of it, and still it is not done often enough. Rob and William are old enough to take showers, and that helps. Three mornings a week (Mon-Wed-Fri) I wake them up a little earlier and toss them in. But they linger so long, and I am not sure they are really getting themselves clean–as evidenced by the fact that NEITHER BOY noticed we were out of their shampoo.

The twins get a bath once a week, twice if they’re lucky. Sometimes it’s a nice long play-bath; more often it’s that one of them wakes up soaked through, and I think, “I can’t fix it with wet wipes this time” and I do a 2-minute quick bath. WHOOSH, twin into water. WHOOSH, soapy scrubbie. WHOOSH, twin out of water. Once a week is Not Enough, but more often is not working out.

I wash Henry over the sink every two or three days. When he’s mid-clothing change (so, in just a diaper, or in a diaper and the outgoing onesie), I wet his hair down under the faucet, lather it up, put a little lather on his face and neck. Rinse hair under faucet; dry with clean dry washcloth or handtowel. Wet corner of handtowel, use to wash his face and neck. If his hands feel sticky, I run them under the faucet too; ditto for feeties. Back at the changing table, use another wet corner of the handtowel to do a quick once-over of his tummy, back, arms, legs. This seems like enough, but when I DO give him an actual bath in the tub he seems cleaner.

I was glad to find I was not the only one struggling with the problem of keeping up with all this washing. Shelly of Notthedaddy writes:

I have two children, ages 5 and 10 months, and I have a hell of a time keeping them bathed. The older one is a girl and can take showers with me. However, I’m the working parent and I take my showers at 5:15 am, not a time that she is available to shower. The younger one is a boy and screams bloody murder if I put him in water. I’m still giving him sponge baths on the kitchen counter. I realize that babies do not have to be bathed every day, and I’m actually aiming for about every third day with him, but Supergirl is definitely reaching the point where she needs a shower every day. Do you have a system by which you keep your five clean? My husband, who is fabulous with the little ones on almost every front (and a stay at home dad), somehow doesn’t help out on bathing at all. It has completely fallen to me. And completely fallen, most of the time.

I told her you guys would totally know what to do about this–which is lucky for me, because I’ve got nothing.

So what you are telling me is that Old Navy shirts are plenty long, they’re too short, they’re long at first but then they shrink to be too short; they run a bit small, they run true to size; they stretch out and look floppy, the material is flimsy, they’re really nice and they last for years. I ordered four perfect fit tees in two different sizes. Then I also ordered four graphic tees, because I liked them. Whatever doesn’t fit, I’ll return. Whatever I keep, it sounds like I’d better line-dry.

AND I ordered two more packages of bodysuits in size 3-6 months for poor Henry, whose mother does not seem to know how old he is and so last time ordered sizes like 6-12 and 12-18 months. And I ordered a 99-cent flag tank top for Elizabeth for next year.

Now let’s turn our attention to issues other than what I am shopping for. Let’s talk about what someone else is shopping for. Sarah asks for our help:

Ok, I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but can you help me figure out what a baby wears?! Currently, my 15 week old son is wearing rompers (today is his first day at daycare so I put him in what I call an outfit, but at home with me, he’d be in onesies!). That’s fine. But what about when the weather is colder? He’ll be about 6 months then – am I really supposed to dress him in full on outfits (pants, shirt, sweater, etc?) – who can afford that?! Do they make wintery rompers or are they just pj’s. What’s wrong with wearing pj’s to daycare (joking…or am I?). I just spend more money than I care to admit at this Old Navy sale (all for next summer if I planned the sizing correctly – who knows) – but what I really need help with is what you dress a baby in realistically, and where I can find said clothing for not too much money (garage sale is good in theory but a lot of work for slim pickings). Resale shops are ok. Old Navy sales are great.

There are two questions here:

1. Is there a baby dress code?
2. Can it be met without selling my body on the streets to raise funds?

I will say how I do things, but I’m hoping you will say, too, since I want to steal your ideas. Unless one of your ideas is the body-selling thing.

Babies can be dressed a number of different ways, from onesies/pjs around the clock up to coordinated pants/shirt/shoes/socks/hat/bib ensembles. I dress little-ittle babies in the same stuff day and night: Henry wears sleep ‘n’ play type outfits (footed sleeper things sold in 2-packs or 3-packs for about $10 but regularly available on sale or clearance) day and night, and I change the outfit when it needs it, not “in the morning” and “before bed.”

When a baby is a little older, I start changing the baby into pajamas at night as part of the bedtime routine. At that point I usually find the baby looks “too babyish” in sleep ‘n’ plays, and that’s when I start dressing him in soft one-piece outfits. When the baby is older still, I start dressing him in jeans/shorts/overalls and shirts.

How to buy the clothes without spending too much. I have changed my clothes-shopping methods over the years. When Rob was born, we lived in an area chock full of consignment shops. I could go into one and come out with a huge pile of nearly-new stuff for practically nothing. So that’s basically what I did: I shopped consignment shops.

When Rob was ten months old we moved to an area without such good consignment shops. I persevered with what was available, but when Rob started needing 2T I noticed the stock dropped wayyyyy off: suddenly there were only pilly sweatpants and worn-out character t-shirts. And then William was born, and going to consignment shops with a toddler and a baby was getting rough.

Luckily, by this time I had discovered Target clearance racks. Clearance rack stuff was cheaper than consignment shop stuff, and of course it’s new which is nice since it’s going to end up being handmedowns (consignment shop jeans have already been worn by 1 or 2 children, so that’s 1 or 2 fewer who can wear them at my house). I started buying clothes end-of-season at 75% off. It didn’t always work (sometimes there wasn’t much in his size or I wouldn’t find the clearance until almost everything was gone), but in general I could get a nice assortment of things for Rob that way. I wasn’t sure even what I liked him to wear, so I was willing to try things if they were cheap enough.

I also bought AHEAD: if I found some nice basic solid-color t-shirts at $.94 each, I’d buy them in his size 2T but also in 3T, 4T, and 5T. This helps a lot with the “nothing left in his size” problems: if you’re looking three years in a row for 5T stuff, you’re likely to have a nice stash by the time the child needs it. I kept boxes in his closet labeled 3T, 4T, 5T, etc., to make it easy to keep things sorted. When he went up a size, I pulled out a new box.

When Rob was in kindergarten, I opened up the next box of clothes and found he had only two long-sleeved shirts in that size. I had to scramble to find more shirts for him to wear, and that’s when I started finding the fun in buying some of his stuff on sales as well as on clearances, and on more expensive store clearances: not just the $1.74 Target clearance shirt, but also the $4.99 Target sale shirt and the $6.99 Baby Gap clearance shirt. What I do now is buy a lot on clearance ahead of time, but then fill in the gaps (including the “fun to buy a few more things” gaps) with sales while the child is actually wearing that size.

When Elizabeth was born, I made a new policy for girl clothes. The policy is this: “This is the only time in my life I will be buying baby girl clothes for my own girl, and I don’t want to be sorry I missed it.”

I still buy things on sale, on clearance, and ahead–because I love to do that. But I buy her more than she needs, and if something is only 30% off I might still buy it, not waiting for 50% or 75% off. I’ve even bought a few things at *hushed tone* full price.

I think the keys to dressing a baby affordably are (1) buying clearance and (2) buying ahead. You can get a baby a cute, extensive wardrobe that way, and it’s a fun shopping hobby–especially with online stores, which mean you don’t have to hit the mall twice a week to keep up with deals. It’s easier when the child is a little older and going up one size per year rather than one size every time you step out to get the mail.

So tell us: what does/did your baby wear, and how do/did you buy it relatively inexpensively?

Today we have an excellent question from Kara of Baa Baa Black Sheep. Kara writes:

I have a strange-ish question. It is this: What makes women know they are ready to be mothers? I mean, I know often it is unplanned, but if that’s not the case, what’s the thought process? Do you think women ever really feel ready? It’s a topic that comes up frequently among my girl friends (I have one who is literally terrified of labor, to the point of saying “I look at your hips and I think ‘surrogate!'”, and I thought I’d ask you. I’d like to hear your input.

Well! You know how people have topics you don’t want to get them started on because they will never shut up? This is one of my topics! I am so interested in the whole “family planning” process: how people decide whether to have children, and how many, and what kind of spacing, and when to stop, etc. I could talk about it all day long, and then start in on it again first thing the next morning, until you wish you’d never asked.

Anyone who feels like answering, please pitch in. If you’ve had a baby, or more than one baby, or if you’re putting it off, or if you’ve decided not to have children at all, speak up–I am dying to know your answer. And don’t feel the need to make it short and comment-length–the comment section has tons of space, so fill it up with essays if you want to.

I will go first, because I can’t help but notice that this is my blog. For me, it was like catching a virus. I was going along, la-la-la, thinking I might want children someday or maybe I wouldn’t, and then suddenly I was consumed with wanting a baby. I think the trigger was when an old friend of mine got accidentally knocked up. She was the first of all my friends to get pregnant, and her pregnancy was like an amazing revelation to me: “WE are of the age to have BABIES! I could have a baby!” It was exactly like flipping a switch from “stand by” to “on.” The switch is still on, and I am starting to look for ways to flip it the hell off, because this is getting nuts.

Mine was the “baby fever” method of deciding to have a child. It’s a lucky way to decide, I think, because it makes the usual fears seem almost insignificant. I was worried about labor, and I was worried that I would have a baby and then regret it but be stuck with it, and I was worried that I was having a baby too young, and I was worried that having a baby with Paul would tie me to him more permanently than marriage, and I was worried that I would go into labor in a snowstorm and have to deliver the baby myself onto trash bags laid out on the living room floor–but all those fears were minuscule compared to the WANT BABY WANT BABY WANT BABY WANT BABY soundtrack endlessly looping in my head. I read pregnancy books, took a class on fertility (want to talk about cervical fluid? I’m your girl!), bought baby clothes in the sneaky manner usually reserved for buying heroin, and was sad to see my period every month. This is all before we’d even started trying to conceive.

I don’t think this is a particularly common way of deciding to have a baby. It seems to me that at least in my group, it’s more common to wonder about it, to not be sure, to keep waiting to see if it becomes more clear, to start worrying about running out of time, to finally have to take a chance one way or the other. Tell me….I mean, tell Kara: How was it for you? Did you waffle? Did you leap? Did you change your mind? Did you feel pressure because of age? relatives? partner?