C.A. writes:

Would you help a devoted reader and write about some baby stuff (which I know you love)?? I just had my first baby on August 21st. She was 5 weeks early so we spent 11 days in special care in the hospital, but now she is home, gaining weight fast, is strong, and doing well. I know everyone tells you having a newborn is hard and you don’t sleep, but dude. Nothing prepared me. Can you talk about your tips for dealing with the constant feedings and the no sleep? She won’t sleep in her cosleeper next to us, she wants to be held or near us, and we’re terrified of killing her in bed in our sleep. She’s not even a fussy baby and still we don’t sleep. It’s so bad I can’t imagine doing this again, and we definitely want(ed) more kids.

How did you do it? How in GOD’S NAME did you do it with older kids to care for, too? Did you just never sleep? Did you sleep in shifts? And what about the breastfeeding? How did you work it all out, especially nights? And when oh when does it get better?

OMG, I SO sympathize. There is NOTHING like Newborn Night Craziness to send a person screaming into the sea. Or backyard, whatever. Here’s a post I wrote about it when I was going through it with Henry: Newborn Sleep Survival Plan. And here’s the post I wrote when someone else asked me about it: Sleep Issues. The second title looks more dull but is more worth reading because I didn’t write it while suffering newborn sleep deprivation myself, and because it involves ninjas.

And here are some BASIC TIPS in quick-reading format, because my guess is that you have about 15 seconds before the baby needs you:

1. I promise it will get better. I PROMISE. (Note: I am not authorized to make this promise.) This is temporary and will pass like a storm, leaving you blinking in the sunlight and thinking “What the HOLY F just happened here??” Even if your baby is one of those kids who has never! ending! sleep! issues!, the postpartum time is the only time when your body is so beat-up and exhausted and when your mind is so circuit-blown by the new baby and its existence and its birth.

2. It works out okay with other kids, too. I don’t remember HOW, but here I am, so it must have worked out. I think it’s that by the time you have a second baby, the little squaller you’re looking at now will be so familiar to you, and also she may be TALKING, and also I’ll say again the part about her being FAMILIAR to you by then. Because I think that’s what makes the difference: right now you’re caring for a tiny stranger, but you’ll only have one tiny stranger at a time.

3. For sleep, my philosophy is Do Whatever Is Necessary. In my own experience, I didn’t find that any of the first-couple-months stuff created lasting issues. At the TIME I’d be thinking “Oh no, he can’t sleep in his car seat—then he’ll ALWAYS want to sleep in his car seat!” but that did not come to pass. Generally in the “nursing every 2 hours” stage I sleep in a recliner with the baby on me (I fall asleep nursing, so that’s the pose) and a nightlight nearby so I can see well enough to nurse if the baby wakes. Or I put the baby in a bouncy seat or in a swing or in the carseat or ANYWHERE THE BABY WILL SLEEP. But of course this philosophy works only if there ARE places the baby will sleep, or if a “whatever is necessary” EXISTS to do. Otherwise—well, see #1.

4. One of my sleep mottos is “Every little bit helps.” This helps me with the INTENSE FRUSTRATION of jussssst getting sleepy and then the baby wakes up. I think firmly to myself: “That five minutes was still worth it.” Or if I’m thinking, “I shouldn’t go back to bed—the baby will wake up in half an hour,” I do it anyway: every little bit of sleep helps. I also doze while nursing.

5. It helped me a lot to play The Sims during my pregnancy, because then after the baby was born I was used to the idea that a character could live in a 24-hour world, not paying much attention to The Right Time To Do Things. So I’d sleep a couple of hours, then be up a couple of hours, then sleep an hour, then be up a bunch of hours, then eat at 11:00 at night. SURVIVAL. Survival is the only goal. Schedule comes later.

6. There is no One Right Way to handle the Newborn Night Craziness. Different things work for different people at different times. You can pick and choose from whatever sleep tips anyone gives you, but don’t be discouraged if what they think is SO OBVIOUSLY THE ONLY RIGHT WAY doesn’t work for you at all.

7. I PROMISE. (This is not a guarantee.)

Yesterday’s post about declawing cats (and was it only me that had the urge to go out and declaw some cats JUST FOR FUN after that?) was insufficiently controversial for some of you, who now want me to talk about POTTY-TRAINING. Oh dear Maude. Next shall we discuss the death penalty?

All right, fine, let me just phone in for a tranq refill first.

Here is Swistle’s Main Philosophy of Potty-Training: “Meh.” Any preferences I express for one method over another are mild and casual and only because I find that way easier: I could be talked out of or into just about anything—though not for long, since I would soon default again to whatever was easiest.

I tend to side with the idea that children train when they train, and that the only changeable thing is how much time you get to spend doing the training and actively managing the pottying. This may or may not correlate with the VERY LATE TRAINING at our house. You’re welcome, landfills!

If I start experimenting with training and it’s a big struggle, I stop and try again later. Consistency is not one of my strong suits anyway.

I like to train in warm weather, when the child can run around without pants on. This makes it easier for the child to remember that he or she is not wearing a diaper. It also makes it easier for ME to remember that I need to be reminding and/or monitoring and/or making sure the child isn’t sitting on the new couch.

I’m in favor of pull-ups for the stage when the child WANTS to make it to the potty in time but doesn’t always succeed. I’m not in favor of them for the stage where the child doesn’t care either way. But the only reason I’m “not in favor” is the cost. If they were the same price as diapers I’d be in favor.

We have a potty seat that attaches to the toilet like a third lid—like, so there’s the regular toilet lid, then the potty seat flips up the same way, and then the regular toilet seat is the third thing to flip. It is the best thing ever. I bought it ten years ago from The Right Start or One Step Ahead or a place like that, and I haven’t seen one since.

I use food treats to reward potty usage. Two small things (like M&Ms or Smarties or mini marshmallows or chocolate chips) for pee. Four small things for poop. Double treats for using an unfamiliar potty. Treats are stopped at whatever Major Upcoming Event (starting a schoolish program, turning a year older, a new calendar year) occurs soonest after treats no longer seem necessary for motivation.

For the training/learning stage, I buy ugly cheap children’s underwear on clearance. That way it isn’t painful to throw away a pair that got pooped in, and in fact it can be a real pleasure. See ya, ugly stupid animated character I hate! It even turns into a bit of a game, where I’m ROOTING for the child to have an accident in a particular pair. This helps reduce the frustration I might otherwise feel at accidents.

I don’t know WHAT to do about night-training. I don’t get it at ALL. It seems like kids either wake up and pee or else they DON’T, and very little can be done about it. According to our pediatrician, 10% of 10-year-old boys are not yet night-trained, and although there are alarm systems and so forth, the most effective cure for bedwetting is time.

There. Is that enough potty talk?

Sarah writes:

As a cat person, I thought I would get your thoughts on declawing. I adopted a little 10 week old rescue kitty this past weekend. I love cats and my 3 year old daughter has been asking, so I thought…why not? The last time I got a kitty (16 years ago) declawing was regularly done and now I am finding that it is Not Done because it is inhumane. What do you think?

I think this is the kind of thing I don’t want to Google. As I understand it, this is the kind of topic that makes people wish they’d talked about something uncontroversial like vaccinations or circumcision.

When I was little, it was the norm for pet cats to be indoor/outdoor or just-indoor animals. It was common for an indoor-only cat to be declawed: the feeling was that an indoor/outdoor cat NEEDED claws for self-defense, but that an indoor-only cat would only use them to defend itself against the household’s furniture.

By the time I was an adult, many shelters were asking cat-adopters to sign papers saying they wouldn’t let the cats outside at all. We were apartment-dwellers at the time, so that was no problem. When our cats ripped the fabric off the back of two chairs, I asked the vet about front-claws-only declawing, which I’d heard was a nice compromise between Declawing and Not Declawing. From the way my vet reacted, I quickly understood that it was no longer considered a nice compromise.

These things to seem to PENDULUM AROUND. First it will be “Mutilation wing-clipping foot-binding crippling” and then it will be “Braces appendix electrolysis tonsils.” Sometimes we screw with Nature and sometimes we don’t, and whether a particular procedure is in the “Screw With” category or the “Don’t” category depends on the time and place and person.

(Speaking of which, wouldn’t there be a BUNDLE to be made in clinics that performed Currently Unfashionable Procedures with no Embarrassing Disapproval?)

So anyway, my cats have all their claws. But this is not because I feel strongly about Not Declawing, but rather that I prefer to go with the norm. If the vet had instead said, “We recommend neutering and declawing for all indoor-only cats,” my cats would have been declawed in addition to having their reproductive organs surgically disabled.

Sally writes:

Hi Swistle! I had a question and it struck me as one that you and/or your readers might be perfectly positioned to answer: What is up with 24 Months vs. 2T clothing??? My son is 20 months but on the large-ish side and I need to buy the boy some summer clothes but I cannot figure this out. This is not my first time around (the aforementioned boy has a 4 year old sister) but I am buying all new boy clothes and I am still as perplexed as ever. It seems like in some cases 24M is bigger and other times, it is the 2T. Last time I checked, 2 year olds WERE 24 months so – what gives?

Oh! I think I know this one!

Clothing manufacturers make their clothing in batches divided by age ranges—so, like, they’ll do one line for “baby” (all the sizes between 0 months and 24 months), but they do a different or overlapping line (well, or SAME I guess, if they choose) for “toddler” and for “girl” (sizes 4 to whatever is the last size before juniors). Sometimes a manufacturer will do the same outfit for both their baby line and their toddler line, which gives you the ridiculous dilemma of buying 24 months or 2T when the two outfits are basically the same size.

IN GENERAL, I’ve found that 2T tends to be a little bigger than 24 months, but it totally varies by manufacturer: some make it so close in size I can’t tell any difference, and others make the 2T way bigger than the 24 months, and others make the 2T longer but not wider (or the other way around), and so on. And some manufacturers make clothes that tend to run bigger and some make clothes that tend to run smaller, so one manufacturer’s 24 months might be significantly larger than another manufacturer’s 2T.

This makes very, very frustrating to buy clothes for a baby who is right around age 2. I usually buy sparingly and on clearance to start, until I’m familiar with the manufacturer and the fit of their 24m/2T. Henry, who is 22 months, wears some 2T, some 24m, some 18-24m, some 18m, and one pair of 12m jeans and one 3T shirt. Hey, Manufacturers! Get some standards kthanx!

Mar writes:

It seems like you might be able to help me with something that’s been on my mind. My husband and I are THINKING about a third baby. I’m about 85% there; husband is 100% on board with the idea. Most of the “cons” about having a new baby are completely eclipsed by the presence of New Baby! in the “pro” column, except for one: THE IDEA OF A THIRD C-SECTION FILLS ME WITH DREAD. (There’s no option here of a vbac – uterus is wacked.)

Dread is the only way to describe it – I’ll be thinking about all the wonderful sparkliness of a new pregnancy, beautiful belly, new baby, calling our families to announce the arrival and the name, introducing the baby to the big brothers, etc., but THEN – thud.. I remember how it feels to head into the hospital for a scheduled section. Reporting at the crack of dawn, nurses treating me like i’m there for [insert banal surgerytypeprocedure that’s the opposite of birth], painful epidural with no natural adrenalin to help me through it, and that terrible look of fear on my husband’s eyes over his surgical mask when he is finally allowed into the operating room. Anticipating the recovery doesn’t bother me so much, but the time before and immediately after the surgery (EXCEPT for that magic that comes when the ob finally digs out the baby) is just…dreadful to contemplate.

From your posts surrounding Henry’s birth, it seems like you just sailed through this without a hiccup. What is your secret? Is my dread just weird and misplaced (because what is literally a three-hour (maximum adventure) (from check in to delivery) is NOTHING compared to the crazy goodness of a new baby? Is there something you focus on to calm you and redirect you? Do you have tips/suggestions for making the experience less “surgical” more “major life event”? or when going in for a section are you a) just plain excited for the whole event or b) recognize it without inquiry as just a means to an end?

I don’t think my dread is enough to keep us from having a third, but it does kind of dampen my enthusiasm a little. Does any of this sound familiar or am I crazy?

One reason I don’t dread it TOO much, I think, is that I’ve had very good c-section experiences. My first one was the worst because it was after a tiring labor (um, as opposed to a refreshing and invigorating labor), and also because I didn’t know what to expect and I hate that. Even so, it was a good experience overall, especially because of the Relief Factor of being done with labor. The surgery went well, I recovered well, I healed well. I was up and walking around (slowly) the next morning. The nurses warned that the breastfeeding “cradle hold” might bother the incision area, but it didn’t.

My second one, the whole pregnancy I was thinking, “Yay!! I don’t have to go into LABOR this time!!” and that was such a happy thought. Then I got to the week of the c-section and went “Ack! I have to have surgery!” Well, but it went great again. The epidural was more uncomfortable to get without the distraction of contractions, but I was also getting really excited about seeing the baby, and I had a nice nurse who brought me a heated blanket and let me squeeze her hand. And again, the surgery went well, I recovered well, I healed well.

My third c-section was my twin pregnancy, and I think I would have done it MYSELF if need be, I was so desperate to be done with that pregnancy. I was so uncomfortable, I didn’t even CARE, and also it was so funny and exciting to be in the operating room with the TWO little newborn stations and TWO pediatric nurses and so forth. And the twins were so big and healthy (7 pounds 4 ounces and 8 pounds 2 ounces), it was a party atmosphere, with the OB actually WHOOPING as he pulled out each one. I was even MORE familiar with the procedures this time, and felt like I could almost relax into it, knowing each thing that would happen and when.

And my fourth c-section was especially fun for me because I hadn’t been expecting to be back again, and certainly not so SOON.

I shouldn’t portray this QUITE so unicorny. During one of the c-sections (the third), the anesthesia wore off (or “ran out” or whatever the correct verb would be for “ceased to work”). Then it wore off (or whatevs) AGAIN when I was in recovery. And after another c-section (the fourth), the epidural drip came disconnected and had made a nice big puddle under the bed before anyone figured out that my “normal post-surgical discomfort” was more like PAIN. However, and this is just my own personal experience and doesn’t mean it’s the same for anyone else, I found this pain to be significantly less than the pain I had experienced even in EARLY labor, so for me this didn’t dampen things much.

And, like you, I have a wacked uterus. So part of my happiness and not-minding-the-c-sections, I think, is this feeling of wonder: like, because I live NOW instead of back THEN, I get to have babies. It’s like this amazing medical thing to me, that I can participate in childbearing ANYWAY.

And part of it is that by nature, I’m more inclined ANYWAY toward c-sections. I like the calm and the predictability and the schedule, and the soothing way it all seems to be just another day’s work for everyone.

I make it a more “special occasion” by talking it up. I think sometimes the hospital personnel get so accustomed to the procedures, and it’s so much a part of their usual jobs, they forget it’s special too. If I say to the nurse, “I’m so excited! I can’t believe I’m about to see my BABY!” and if I say to the OB, “Oh, this is such a happy day!” and so on, I find they usually respond and get into it a little more.

Paul doesn’t go in with me. He gets pale and sick if one of the kids gets a papercut, so he waits at the newborn nursery. I think this takes a lot of pressure off of me: I can close my eyes or say “Oof” or whatever, without having to worry how it will seem to Paul. The first two c-sections, I went in by myself; the second two, I brought my mom. Both ways were nice; when I didn’t have my mom, a nurse stood with me so I didn’t feel lonely. Plus, everyone feels super sorry for the woman whose husband is such a wuss, so I get everyone on my side early in the hospital stay.

One of my best tips for “things I’m dreading” is to think: “There will come a time when this will be over and I will be looking back on it with relief.” It’s so comforting to think of Future Me ALREADY THERE, happy and Done.

I also like the Oblivion approach, which involves saying “La la la!” and not thinking about it until the hospital wristband is in place and it’s too late to panic much.

I am trying out a chocolate-chip cookie variation, and so far it seems Very Good, but the problem is that, as my dad says, pretty much ALL chocolate-chip cookies are good when still warm, so the real test is a FULLY-COOLED chocolate-chip cookie, and ideally a chocolate-chip cookie the NEXT DAY. But I am having some trouble saving the cookies for that long. Also, I feel kind of sick. Also, we seem to be running low on milk.

Let’s change the subject.

Sara writes:

I am hoping that you, in your infinite mommy wisdom, can help me. I have a 3 year old and a 4 month old, and I am at my wits end with regards to sleep. In fact, sleep or lack therof is the reason that we have 3 1/2 years between our daughters.

Kelly, the baby, slept great for the first three weeks and then was done sleeping in long stretches during the day. I didn’t like it, but she was sleeping 8 hours a night and taking little catnaps. She would fall asleep in my arms, and sleep maybe 15 minutes once I put her down. Since then, she has stopped sleeping that long at night and won’t nap at all unless she is in someone’s arms. She wakes up immediately regardless of where we put her–crib, pack n play, car seat, swing, etc. In the last two weeks, she has refused to sleep anywhere but our arms at night as well.

We are possibly dealing with both a milk allergy and reflux, so I don’t want to just let her cry too long. We went through this with our first daughter, wound up co-sleeping and it took years to get her to sleep on her own. In fact, she still comes into our bed! I’m not against co-sleeping, but I can’t have both kids in the bed. Kelly really doesn’t like her bouncy or swing, so I don’t know if I should look for a different bouncy that she might sleep in. I am hoping that since you have 5 kids, that you have some really good sleep advice! Do you or your readers have any suggestions? I am exhausted and cranky!

However, if you don’t want to deal with this while wallowing, I understand that too! But you could look at this as another good point–hopefully, you are getting more sleep than I am! :o)

Thanks a lot!

I’ve been letting this percolate in my inbox for DAYS now, hoping that some Wisdom will occur to me, or that at least I’ll be able to come up with an Impressive Fake.

Fail.

Sleep issues are SO HARD. There are many reasons WHY they’re so hard:

• What works for one family doesn’t necessarily work for another family.
• What works for one kid in a family doesn’t necessarily work for another kid in that family.
• What works one week may not work the next week.
• What is a tolerable situation one week may not be tolerable the next week.
• A child may grow out of a sleep issue–only to grow into another sleep issue.
• Sleep problems typically happen during the evening, when you’ve been dealing with crap ALL DAY LONG and all you want is FIVE MINUTES of free time; or they happen in the middle of the night, when you’re not really awake, and your body and brain are weeping for sleep and asking you if you are crazy being up at this hour. These are not Peak Form times for consistent, reasonable parenting policies to be implemented.
• Your STUPID HUSBAND is just LYING THERE like he doesn’t even HEAR the SCREAMING. I mean, OMG, what if there was a BREAK-IN, with GUN FIRE, would he even KNOW? NO, he WOULDN’T, I’d be ALL ALONE dealing with the NINJAS and things, and he’d just keep SNORING. As soon as I get this baby back to sleep, I’m DIVORCING HIM AND MARRYING A NINJA.

Perhaps first you ask your pediatrician, and your pediatrician says something like, “Don’t let her fool you: babies don’t need to wake up in the night after they hit 12 pounds”—or whatever. And you go home thinking, “Okay, now I’m not fooled, Baby. You don’t fool ME, Baby! No more FOOLING AROUND, Baby!” And yet the baby does not care that you are not fooled, and your new, non-fooled attitude has no effect on whether she wakes up in the night. And now you wish you were married to your pediatrician so you could divorce him/her, and you also feel like you can’t bring it up again, since your pediatrician will think there’s no helping someone who would be fooled by a baby.

So then you turn to your friends, and you might get some very comforting responses. It’ll be things like, “OMG, we had the SAME problem and then we just did X! And he’s been sleeping through the night ever since!” And so you will face bedtime with fresh confidence that night, because now you know to do X. And you will try X, and it won’t work AT ALL. And you’ll tell your friend it didn’t work, and she’ll think it must be because you’re doing it wrong. And you’ll be mad, but you’ll also wonder, “OMG, am I doing it wrong??”

You’ll ask another friend, and she’ll describe a plan that sounds really unappealing to you. Or maybe it sounds good, but then when you try it you hate it. But from then on you won’t be able to complain to her: she’ll shrug and act like you are CHOOSING to deal with the lack of sleep since you’re CHOOSING not to handle it the Right Way. And you’ll be mad, but you’ll also wonder, “OMG, should I be doing it that way?”

PLUS, sleep is such a hot topic! It’s just about the hottest one there is! Bring it up and you’ve got a brawl! Some people will be accusing other people of ABUSE and NEGLECT, or of SPOILING and PERVERSION, or of BEING FOOLED BY A BABY. Srsly! People will be coming up with alarming and imaginative descriptions of how the baby is feeling or what the baby is thinking, and you will end up SOBBING with empathy. You haven’t had enough sleep to deal with this.

So, okay. Let me go read your letter again, because I seem to have gotten off on my own here, and although I am using the pronoun “you” liberally, I don’t seem to be talking about you at all. Oh yes! You wanted wisdom. Well. Er. Dear, dear. Okay. Here is everything I’ve got. This is ten years’ experience right here:

1. When we are not getting enough sleep, the Right Way is whatever gets us the most sleep.
2. As soon as we start getting more sleep, we start feeling differently about what The Right Way is. Then we have to make changes. Sometimes these changes suck as much as the original sleep problems; sometimes they’re easy. It isn’t predictable. It especially isn’t predictable based on someone else’s experience.
3. It can be comforting to think things such as, “She will not want to sleep in our bed when she’s in high school.” It’s not really comforting if someone who’s getting plenty of sleep says it to you, though.

Would anyone else like to commiserate with Sara?

Kristine writes:

My husband and I are looking to move to a new area of the country, and although we don’t have kids now, we’re planning on at least 3 kids, probably 4. We’re hoping to take advantage of the housing/economic crunch and buy the house we’re going to live in for the next 20-odd years, rather than getting a teeny starter home. Any advice on “must have” or “wish I had” features when it comes to a big family?

Ah! Yes! I HATE to move, and so when Paul and I bought our first home, we were looking for a home that we could live in until we, um. Died. Or whatevs.

And what we did was, we bought a house with POTENTIAL. It’s a 3-bedroom 1-bathroom raised ranch (also called a split-level), so it was listed and marketed as a starter home. But my dad, who is Very Handy (the kind of Handy that can, like, build a garage) took a look at it and what he saw was the unfinished basement. In a raised ranch (or split-level, have it your way), the basement is only partly under the ground. The basement can still have regular-sized windows, like a regular floor of the house. That meant that what we were buying was an 1100-square-foot house with the potential to be a 2200-square-foot house.

Furthermore, it has a good empty back yard, so theoretically we could build OUT if we wanted to, though I don’t think we will. I guess we could put on an upper level if we really wanted to—though again, I don’t think we will. We could add a garage out to the side, because there’s space there too, and that’s something we probably WILL do some day, so we can go from the car to the house without slipping on ice and breaking our elderly hips.

The house also had a porch built on a house foundation instead of an a porch foundation, which is something I never would have noticed but the inspector went nuts over (the happy kind of nuts, saying, essentially, “OMG SQUEE! You could totally convert this into house-space!”). This meant that when we thought, “You know what would be awesome? A dining room!” we could enclose the porch.

Of course, if your dad isn’t Very Handy, this plan might not work for you. It’s worked for us because my dad contributes his labor free of charge, and so when he makes a change to our house we only have to pay for the supplies. If we had to pay for the labor, we wouldn’t have a dining room OR a semi-finished (2 bedrooms, a linen closet, and a family room) basement.

In that case, we still would have ended up here, because this was the most house we could afford. But if we’d had more wiggle room, I think I would have looked for two bathrooms. It is a major pain to have to wait in line or to have someone dancing outside the door waiting for you, and that’s with three of us not potty-trained yet.

I’d also be looking for something that wasn’t Too Big. That seems like an odd thing to do, but it’s not going to be ALL that long before the kids are gone and Paul and I are here by ourselves again. It’ll be nice at that point to just close off the basement except for when we have guests, and go back to our “starter home”-sized house.

So! Those are the two things—no, three things—I think are good to look for in a house for a larger family:

1. Potential (room to expand)
2. Not Too Big (can still live here after the kids leave)
3. Two bathrooms

Oh, wait! I have one more thing! Look for a good driveway! Or room to make the driveway bigger! When the kids are older and there are more cars/drivers, it’s nice not to have to park on the lawn, or have to have everyone move his or her car every time someone wants to go somewhere.

4. Good driveway, or good driveway potential

Oh, wait! Another thing! The YARD! Oh, heavens, the yard. It’s so nice if it has a yard big enough to KICK EVERYONE INTO. The house can get so loud and so nuts, and it is wonderful to be able to just go *BOOT* and send everyone to a relatively safe, enclosed back yard.

5. Yard

Becky writes:

hi swistle!
so, i am reading this whole post about having a second child and why people do it, and how people do it (because with jack’s birthday coming up next week, we are at the point when we said we would start thinking about it) and it got me wondering how you guys get all those kids to bed at night! i mean, i can see the older ones maybe going to bed on their own, maybe, but you have a few young ones there, and had a real tiny baby not that long ago (he is getting so big so quickly it blows my mind!) (my mind is pretty well blown by the fact that i practically have a toddler now though too!). in any case, this is basically another one of those “how do you it?” emails.

And Meredith asked me about the afternoon/dinner/bed schedule ages ago, back when I did the Here’s the Hell How post, and I was all, “Yes, I’ll totally do a post on that! Totally!”—and that was in February and here we are in August.

So. Bedtime routine. Paul gets home from work at around 4:45. He plays with the kids for awhile, and since this is the first time all day there has been more than one adult in the house, I usually use this time to do things that are tricky to handle with one person in charge: looking in the basement for something I’m not quite sure where I put it, washing the dishes, feeding my Facebook pets, eating cookies with no one watching, etc.

Paul usually makes the kids’ dinner; he starts at about 5:10. It has to be done while we’re both home (I can cook on my own with five kids in the house, but only if I can also scream and throw dishes and swig directly from an open bottle of hard liquor), and he likes that chore better than others, so it’s mostly his. It’s something simple: eggs and toast and sausage, or english muffin pizzas, or chicken cut up for dipping in sauces, or chicken and scrambled egg and rice. While Paul cooks, I’m in charge of the other kids, although he’s always got Elizabeth because she likes to help him.

Rob and William are responsible for tidying up before dinner. They’re supposed to basically remove all the day’s Kid Detritus from the main living areas of the house—the rooms we still have to look at after the kids are in bed. Rob and William resent that this means they’re picking up after the younger three, but recently the twins have been able to help some, and also our attitude about this is NOT MUCH SYMPATHY for children who don’t exactly have to work on the farm around here.

When dinner is ready (5:30/5:45ish), whichever parent didn’t cook is in charge of supervising Henry in his high chair, and Paul and I both handle requests for more milk, dropped fork, more food, tattling about who put whose carrots on whose plate, etc. It’s common for one of us to be able to leave for something brief: checking email, cycling laundry, finally using the bathroom without a buddy, etc.—but we both know not to be gone too long, or the other person gets Resentful Feelings.

After dinner, the kids clear their own dishes; I help out if there’s a leftover-food issue to deal with. The parent in charge of Henry (usually me) cleans up Henry and his high chair and swabs at the faces of anyone else who needs it. Sometimes there’s a little loose time here if the kids ate fast or if we had dinner earlier than usual, and in that case if I’m feeling energetic I might give a fast bath (just washing, not playing) to two of the Littles (two is my usual limit per session), but it’s more typical for it to be about 6:00 and time for the getting-ready-for-bed routine.

Paul changes Henry and Edward into their pajamas. Meanwhile, I brush five sets of teeth: I call the kids in one after another, and then go find Henry and make a stab at reaching some of his. After Rob and William have their teeth brushed, they go get themselves into their pajamas. When everyone’s teeth are brushed, I help Elizabeth into her pajamas (she likes to do it “herself,” meaning it takes ten times as long and requires four times as much work from me).

At 6:30, Paul and Rob and William go to Rob’s room, where Paul reads to them. I stay with the younger three. Sometimes they’re playing and I read; sometimes they’re watching TV and I’m at my computer; sometimes they’re playing and I’m fixing my dinner; sometimes I’m reading to them; sometimes I’m handling some sort of last-minute issue (someone needed a bath, someone wanted to try the potty, someone needed a diaper change, someone’s teeth weren’t brushed yet).

At 6:45, I put Edward and Henry to bed. It takes a little over 5 minutes to settle them in with their various things: kisses and hugges, blankies, covers, etc. Elizabeth acts as if she’s another grown-up: wishing them good-night, closing the door, etc.

It hasn’t always been this way, but these days one of us sits with Elizabeth until she falls asleep. This has changed everything around: we used to put Edward and Henry to bed at 7:00, but we start earlier so we can also start earlier with Elizabeth. Paul and I take turns sitting with her. It’s a lottery: some nights she’s asleep in 10 minutes, and some nights it’s 45. The most common is for the parent on Elizabeth Duty to be sneaking out of her room at 7:15 or 7:20.

After their book time with Paul, Rob and William are allowed to stay up—but they have to be playing quietly in the downstairs playroom (a rec room type area with a Lego table, a computer, board games) or in their rooms (well, William’s room has sleeping children in it, so our room is his room if he needs it). They’re allowed to come up for emergencies (blood, fire, burglars, flood) and every half hour to go to the bathroom (which always turns into a “just wanting to say one thing” opportunity), but otherwise they’re not supposed to be underfoot or making demands. On school nights, their “no, really, now you actually have to go to bed” time is 8:30 (non-school nights: 9:00), but then we let Rob read in bed after that and we don’t look carefully at when he turns out the lights: reading = good, and also he’s always had trouble sleeping.

So to sum up: we’re in motion with the dinner/bed routine from about 5:10 until about 6:45; then only one of us is busy until around 7:20; and then we’re both basically free for the evening.

You guys are so good at the advice questions. Turn your brilliant minds to this issue. Kristen writes:

My husband and I are both 27. We have been married for a little over 3 years (dated for 5 years before that). We both are at a place in our lives where we desperately want children (our plan is to start trying in September). We both have decent jobs, but neither of us by any means makes a fortune (although my husband is currently looking for a new job in order to try and make more money). I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom. But I also love my job, love helping the people and kids I get to help in doing my job, so right now I am hoping to find a part time job that will let me work evening hours (that is doable with my job). But I would also be completely content to stay home.

So, by now you’re thinking, “SO! WHAT DO YOU NEED OUR HELP WITH!?!? Get to the point already!”

Well, I am FREAKING OUT about the money!!! Currently we are in a very good place. We save a decent amount every month, we like our house the way it is (will obviously need a bigger house when we have more than one kid, but this will do for now), we don’t really want for anything currently. We enjoy each other and our friends but we are by no means extravagant. If we weren’t about to start having kids we wouldn’t have to worry much about finances at all. But adding a kid, and taking away part of a salary makes me panic!

So, am I alone? Am I the only one to freak out like this!?! (I sure am hoping your readers tell me no!!). And if I’m not alone, what did people do about it? How do you get past the money worries and just bite the bullet and have kids? How did it end up working out once you had kids? Is money a constant, constant stress? (That’s my biggest fear, I want to enjoy our children without having to stress all the time about money.) I don’t need a ton of money for expensive vacations, or designer kids clothes. Just enough to meet our needs, save for our future and theirs, and have fun every now and then at a place that isn’t our house (amusement parks, etc).

So, can you help me? Can you ease my fears?? (or at least give your readers a chance to ease my fears???)

Thanks for listening!

Freaking out about money is both good and bad. It’s bad because it’s uncomfortable to lie awake at night fretting about it, and because sometimes it prevents people from having children they could have afforded if they hadn’t gotten freaked out by that silly article that says it costs $300,000 to raise a child to age 18 (news from the front: it doesn’t). It’s good because the very fact of freaking out can help you keep expenditures reasonable: if you freak out a little over every $5, you’re likely to find you don’t have to.

With or without kids, financial decisions have to be made constantly. You can buy the $40,000 car or the $20,000 car or the $12,000 car, or you can buy the $4,000 used car, or you can repair your junker again. You can buy the $2,000 camera or the $1,000 camera or the $200 camera, or you can have your dad’s old camera when he buys a new one. You can buy the $4 organic avocado or the $1 non-organic one or you can buy no avocado at all. You make the decision that’s right for your personal combination of “What we can afford at our income level?” plus “How important is this item to us?”

It is the same when you have children. You can buy the $800 crib or the $200 crib or the $100 crib, or you can get a crib free (handmedown or Freecycle). You can buy the $30 diapers or the $20 diapers or the $10 diapers—and if you use cloth, you can use the $30 ones or the $15 ones or the $3 ones. You can buy the $30 formula or the $20 formula or the $13 formula, or you can see if you can breastfeed. You can buy baby clothes full-price or on sale or at consignment shops or on end-of-season clearance for the year ahead, or you can use your sister’s kids’ handmedowns.

These are the decisions that add up as you pay the expenses associated with child-rearing. Each decision is made the same way as the other financial decisions you make: “What can we afford at our income level?” plus “How important is this item to us?” Some things you might not have a choice about (perhaps your child will have a digestion issue that will require the use of the $30 formula; perhaps you will try to get a free crib but none will be available), but your general decision-making will still add up in the long run.

Something I find comforting, too, is remembering that I can change my working situation. Right now I sometimes freak a little about money—but the thing is, even if I want to stay at home for now, my youngest (assuming he IS my youngest) will be in school in 5 years, and then I can get a mother’s-hours job. If we’re strapped before then, I could get an evenings/weekends job. And if, for example, we had to go into Emergency Mode (like, I had to work full-time, so I had to do overnights because we can’t pay for three kids in daycare) for a few years, it would be at most 5 years before the kids were in school and we could have a normal life again. I can handle most stuff for just 5 years.

One of the things I think gets people in trouble is that they set up their financial situation without children in the picture: they buy a house on two incomes, and they buy their cars on two incomes, and they buy furniture they can pay off easily with two incomes. And then the kids are born, and they don’t have two incomes anymore (either they have one income, or they have two incomes minus childcare expenses) and yet the mortgage payment, the car payments, and the credit payments remain the same. Plus, now they have child-related expenses such as clothes, formula, diapers, and equipment. This is the kind of thing that sends people into a permanent financial crisis. When Paul and I bought our house and our cars, we were already on one income, and I think that’s saved us a lot of financial pain. We didn’t do it that way on purpose, so I feel lucky about that.

What do the rest of you think? How do you deal with money worries? Have those worries increased since having children? Did you have to overcome financial worrying in order to have children, and if so, how did you do it?