Last night I had a stress dream related to the upcoming First Curbside Grocery Shopping Trip. I dreamed I had the groceries delivered, and that the delivery guy came into the house and then was sort of looking around cheerfully and chatting, and then the eight people who were waiting for him in his car came into my house and sat in the living room not wearing masks, and then I realized I wasn’t wearing a mask and felt very embarrassed to have inadvertently acted as if I didn’t care about the delivery guy’s health, and so on.

This morning I headed out stoically. I reminded myself, as I do in New To Me situations, that although this is new to ME, it is not new to the EMPLOYEES. (Similarly, when I have to make a phone call, I remind myself that although I hate phone calls, the person who is answering the call is someone who has chosen to answer phones as part of their job, so they probably feel perfectly comfortable.) And I reminded myself that it is FINE to be new at things and it is FINE to say so: it is fine, when encountering something confusing, to say, “Oh, sorry, I’m new to this—what are those options again?” or whatever. IT’S ALL FINE.

I arrived at the store parking lot and drove around a bit, feeling increasingly anxious as I couldn’t see anything that was labeled as a curbside pick-up area. But then, of course, because this is reality and it would not have disappeared in the night or be up on the roof or whatever, I found it. It was a little one-way loop, and there were two cars in the loop ahead of me, which was GREAT because I could watch them and see how things went for them. There was a sign at the beginning of the loop asking me to call a number, and I did, and when someone answered I was very stammery and uncertain, and that’s completely fine and no one cares even one tiny bit. He asked my name, and I told him, and he said “And you’re the third car, right?” and I said yes, and he said he’d be right out.

Then all three cars waited for 15 minutes with nothing happening. It was odd, but it was not my problem to deal with, so I played Candy Crush. Then an employee came out, very hurried, with two full carts. The first car’s driver stayed in the car, and the employee loaded things into her trunk; the second car’s driver got out of the car and helped the employee load things into the back of the car; so I could see I had options. I decided to stay in the car. I heard the employee apologizing to the other drivers, saying that he hadn’t been able to find a couple of the bags. After he helped them, they both drove off, I pulled up, and he was back out with my cart less than 5 minutes later. There was no dilly-dallying or eye contact: he said “Good morning!” as he wheeled past my window; he loaded everything into the trunk and closed it; he said “Have a good day!” as he wheeled back past my window. And no car pulled up behind me the whole time I was there, so it was pretty clear that “three cars waiting for 15 minutes” was an anomaly.

It was unexpectedly odd to unpack my groceries and have that be the first time I’d seen them. I am SO ACCUSTOMED to hand-picking each item, then seeing it again as I load it onto the belt, and then seeing it for the third time as I unpack it. This time, each bag was a little surprise—particularly because this isn’t my usual grocery chain, so the store brands look different. Even with familiar brands, I feel like I want to say more about how weird this was, but I don’t know how. It’s not like it’s different from mail-order, where something arrives without me choosing it off a shelf. But it WAS different! It felt different, and odd!

This is going to sound a little silly, but I was actually feeling kind of TOUCHED—as if the grocery store was taking care of me. Here were all my foods, packed up for me in bags even though I hadn’t shopped! I felt it particularly when I opened up the bag that had my special Rebel ice cream in it: it’s one of my Emotional Support Foods, and I’d ordered four pints (with “okay to substitute flavor but not brand” in the notes field), and there were my four pints: three of one flavor and one of another, instead of two of two flavors as ordered, so I could see they had carefully followed my instructions.

I felt less touched as I started to encounter the errors. Two 10-ounce bags instead of two 20-ounce bags. One single tomato instead of two pounds of tomatoes. I said my little soothing mantra: “This is just how it is in a pandemic.” The store also claimed to be completely out of ground beef and ground turkey, which feels so unlikely, but perhaps? Perhaps the key is to choose a pick-up slot later in the day. (But yesterday afternoon, when I was editing my order, they ALSO claimed to be out of both ground beef and ground turkey.) But again, everything is fine: If I have to zip into my usual grocery store for ground beef/turkey and tomatoes, I am still breathing MUCH LESS SHARED AIR than if I’d done my entire shopping trip in there.

With my order they included my receipt, which shows they ran my groceries through a register—which is GOOD, because it means I only got CHARGED for two 10-ounce bags and one single tomato, so I don’t have to deal with fixing that. (Since I’d used my credit card when checking out online, I’d worried that they’d use THAT total—but I should have known they couldn’t do that, since I had produce and deli and other need-to-be-weighed items in my cart.)

They also included a printout that showed each item they were out of, a copy of what I’d written in the little comments field, and what action they took. So for example, it said they were out of ground turkey, then that I’d said no substitutions, so they’d done no substitute. Then on the next line, it said they were out of their store brand brown rice, and that I’d commented “okay to substitute brand/size, but no instant rice,” and so they’d substituted such-and-such a brand. It’s GREAT, because first of all it’s like getting a Grocery Shopping Report, which is fun, but also it draws my attention to what I’ll need to put right back on my shopping list, or what I might need to adjust for when I’m thinking about meals.

I’d been interested to see if they’d contact me ahead of time about substitutions, and it turns out they sent an email about 45 minutes before my pick-up time (I hadn’t checked email so I hadn’t seen it), warning me about the substitutions they’d made and telling me to call if I didn’t want those items. But they mentioned I couldn’t choose a new substitute at this point: I could only decline the ones they’d chosen. (This seems fair to me, since I have that little comment field to say ahead of time what my feelings are about substitutions for each individual item.)

As many of you mentioned, all the frozen stuff was packed together and had been hanging out in a freezer waiting for me, so I didn’t have to worry about it.

The total bill ended up being about what I usually pay. Some things were more expensive, but others were less expensive, in a way that looks like it averages out and I am not going to worry about it. THIS IS JUST HOW IT IS IN A PANDEMIC.

I feel a little HIGH over the success of the trip, and first talked Paul’s ear off for awhile, then Rob’s, and now yours. Now that I’ve done it once, I definitely feel able to keep doing this—and I’m glad I tried it before I was at the point where I felt like I HAD to. But now that I’ve tried it, I think I’m going to just keep doing it this way. I do think, for those of us who can access this, that it’s time.

I have just placed my first curbside grocery shopping order. You will not be surprised to hear that I was a big mess about it, and have already edited it twice, and will certainly edit it at least once more before my pick-up time near the end of this week (the earliest I could get; I will not panic about that or about what it might indicate). And I feel like I’m forgetting so many things: there are a lot of things I remember to buy only by Walking Past Them. The nearest grocery store (other than W@lmart) that does curbside is about half an hour away, so I am worried about my frozen things; I do have an insulated bag, but…well, I will bring it with me, and then I suppose I will pull into another part of the parking lot and see if I can find the frozen things? I don’t know at all how this is going to work. I feel so uncomfortable with new ways of doing things. BUT: that is why I am doing this NOW. Because I think pretty soon this is going to be the only way I feel safe grocery shopping, so best to get used to it earlier rather than later.

One of my biggest frets is the whole issue of SUBSTITUTION. The grocery store I’m using has a thing where you can check a little box if you’re okay with a substitution or not, but, I mean, IT DEPENDS. And the thing is, my guess is that employees vary WIDELY as to whether they are GOOD AT substitution or not. And my guess is that “good at” is PARTLY a subjective thing (because it can be just a matter of whether their idea of a substitution is aligned with mine, which is not anyone’s fault if it isn’t), but partly it’s a real actual objective thing (because it can be a matter of food/cooking knowledge, and of CARING about trying to make a reasonable substitution rather than choosing whatever from the same shelf area). Happily for me, there is also a little field for comments! (Please spare a moment to pity my poor shopper.) And that little field is nice for things like “okay to substitute flavor but not brand.” But it does not serve for lengthier and more complicated frets, or for situations where if I couldn’t find a certain ingredient I would have to re-think a meal. OR FOR THINGS LIKE CLAIMING TO BE ENTIRELY SOLD OUT OF GROUND BEEF OF ANY KIND. Well! Well. This will be a good mental exercise in Letting Go! And gradually I will learn which substitutions need to be clarified.

I hesitate to even ask this question, because tipping can be such an unexpectedly heated topic, but ARE we tipping for curbside grocery pick-up? My GUESS would be no, because the store employees are being paid a certain amount whether they’re at the register or whether they’re stocking shelves or whether they’re doing curbside, and because they would be in the store EITHER WAY, and customers staying outside makes employees safer too. (My GUESS would be that we DO tip if we are going through one of those services where a person who would NOT otherwise be inside the store has gone inside the store on our behalf, and that we also tip for grocery DELIVERY, because we tip for delivery anyway.) I had hoped this would be in the FAQ on the grocery site, but it was not.

I am soothing myself for this whole new thing by telling myself this is just an experiment, just a way to try out this system. But I also feel like I did on March 13th, re-shelving books at the library and thinking, a little hysterically, “I don’t think I’m coming back to work after today!! I don’t think we’re sending the kids back to school!!” I’m feeling, perhaps a little hysterically but time will tell, like I might not be doing a regular in-store grocery store trip for awhile.

I know I have mentioned before that one of the good things about Tipsy Swistle is that it is very easy to talk her into doing chores. For example, I recently persuaded Tipsy Swistle to sweep and hand-mop the entire floor area under and around the cats’ litter box, just so you understand how very useful Tipsy Swistle can be. Consider hiring her to come to your house for the low low price of several gin-and-tonics, sometime during which you can say “Oh DEAR I seem to have eight loads of laundry to fold!” and then sit back and sip your OWN gin-and-tonic as she goes to work. (I warn you that Tipsy Swistle likes to sing along with the radio while she works.)

ANOTHER useful function of Tipsy Swistle is that she will hit the Buy button on things Sober Swistle has been reluctant to order due to excessive anxiety / unnecessary fretfulness / a frugal upbringing. One such order arrived today, and it was a very happy order to unpack; I wish to show it to you.

A bag of Andes Peppermint Crunch baking chips

(image from Target.com)

and a bar of Ghirardelli semi-sweet baking chocolate

(image from Target.com)

because @devivo says the recipe on the back of the Andes peppermint crunch package is a good cookie, and I do what she says. (When tipsy.)

A bag of Mint M&Ms

(image from Target.com)

and a bag of mint truffle Hershey Kisses

(image from Target.com)

because commenter Chris mentioned white chocolate peppermint Kisses and mint M&M’s on the most recent grocery shopping report, and that reminded me.

Two bags of Popcorners White Cheddar chips, because I have been craving them and my grocery store didn’t have them.

(image from Target.com)

Vanilla chai tea, because I used up a box of caffeinated Constant Comment and it was pretty okay but I wanted something different this time.

(image from Target.com)

This cute Christmas plate, because I don’t do a whole lot of parental holiday activities, but I will buy a wide assortment of plastic Christmas plates and put meals on them. (I am waiting for the annual batch of plastic snowman/tree/Santa/reindeer plates, of which I always buy the snowman, tree, and reindeer, and only very occasionally the Santa.) (I did not grow up with the Santa tradition, and find him only intermittently appealing.)

(image from Target.com)

Tin foil, both regular and heavy-duty, because KC mentioned on the recent grocery shopping post that there was an aluminum shortage and that it would not be a bad idea to have a back-up roll or two just in case.

(image from Target.com)

O’Keeffe’s Exfoliating foot cream, because Nicole recommended it (HI NICOLE) and I do what she says (when tipsy), and because my feet have been sad of late.

(image from Target.com)

Books two and three of the Murderbot series, a series which COUNTLESS of you recommended and YOU WERE RIGHT (though so far I think the Ann Leckie Ancillary trilogy was better, if you’re waffling between the two). I already read book one, and our library system doesn’t have the series, and there was another buy-two-get-one-free deal, so I bought these two for myself along with a Christmas present for someone else. (I will say to those of you considering a purchase that these books are VERY SLIM for the price. Like, if you are thinking, “Wow, a hardcover for $12-15??”—it’s because the books are small and just over 150 pages each. More like novellas.)

(image from Target.com)

A refill of Bona Hardwood floor cleaner: the spritz bottle I bought back in March because this is what our (now former) housecleaners used on our floors and I needed to take over—that bottle is nearly empty now, and for awhile I was in denial and thinking the housecleaners would be coming back SO SOON, but…Tipsy Swistle knew we needed the refill.

(image from Target.com)

I have been using various things to help me sleep at night, but had been avoiding melatonin because it gives me vivid dreams, and I am having enough of those right now. (Most common theme: I am somewhere and suddenly realize I’ve forgotten to wear a mask, and/or other people are not wearing masks and I can’t get away.) But I am also nervous about relying too much on any one sleep aid, so last night I took melatonin, and I DID have a vivid dream, and you are going to have to take my word for it that the FEELING of the dream was VERY POSITIVE (I am succeeding! I have had a good idea and it is working! Aw puppy!!) even though it will not SOUND that way to you, knowing me as you do.

The dream was that I was one of many people on a team to try to make our current/outgoing president more appealing/relatable/sympathetic, and in this dream he was WELL-KNOWN for loving peanut butter (I am sorry, this is the worst part of when people tell their dreams, when they start describing the counter-reality premises that exist in the dream, and normally I edit those out but this one is crucial), and my idea was to get a peanut-butter-colored dog, have him name it Peanut Butter in a cute naming ceremony, and then take a bunch of pictures of him and his wife enjoying the darling little dog. And I had to do a lot of work to talk him into it, but I was able to, and the dog was adorable, and we were getting such good photos.

I also keep dreaming about babies, which I haven’t done for awhile. One dream was a stress dream, where I was in the hospital and I was going to have a c-section the next day, but I was protesting that my jeans were barely tight, surely I was not far enough along for the baby to be full-term. But most of them are good dreams: I’m carrying a baby or nursing a baby, and there’s nothing stressful about it.

Okay, I have told you one full dream plus two categories of dreams; I owe you reciprocal listening to your dreams, if you want.

I had about a day and a half of relief and happiness after the result of the presidential election was called, and now I am back to feeling stressed, as we see a sizeable portion of the U.S. population refusing to believe the results, and some of our elected officials encouraging them in that; and our president building some sort of barrier around the White House and firing officials crucial to our national security and to a peaceful transfer of power, including the official who stood up to him on the topic of whether the president could turn our armed forces against our own citizens. It’s fine! It’s fine. I have two new hives, and it’s fine.

Well. I am trying not to borrow trouble. Sufficient unto the day, maybe stay offline and read a book, etc. But also, I went grocery shopping today to top up our supplies. I did a two-cart trip a few days before the election so that we could stay put for awhile if needed—but things have stretched on a bit, and we have still not reached the point at which, if there is going to be violence, the violence will happen. (Maybe it won’t happen! Maybe all this drama and wall-building and reality-rejecting and protocol-refusing will just…fizzle out! Maybe it’s fine!) Anyway I topped up our supplies.

One happy thing was that they had Diet Mountain Dew! They still didn’t have the 24-packs, but I bought Paul three 12-packs and he is a happy man. They also had Cadbury Caramello bars and Cadbury Fruit & Nut bars, which are my FAVORITES; all they’d had for months and months were the regular Cadbury bars, which I ALSO like and was very grateful to have, but it was lovely to see the ones I like even better. This was too small a thing to be worth mentioning before (they weren’t Emotional Support items), but it was really nice to see them.

Here is another small thing barely worth mentioning (which I say only in the fear that I will come across as picky and whiny and spoiled; if YOU have “small” things to mention, know that I will be RIVETED, and even MORE interested than in the bigger things): they did not have the little boxes of Gatorade Zero powder packets I like. I am not sporty, as you know, but on keto I have found zero-sugar sports drinks to be helpful if I feel icky. I also drink them if I have had any alcohol, to help reduce after-effects. There were still plenty of bottles of liquid Gatorade Zero and Powerade Zero, so it’s not like I have to suffer without—but the bottles take up so much room in the cart, so the little box was just such a satisfying efficiency, and they haven’t had them for my last few grocery-store trips, which is a little odd because they seem to have a good supply of other powdered drink mixes.

They had SNICKERDOODLE SmartFood popcorn. How can that be good? Yes, of course I bought a bag. I like to store up things like this to eat on my next Day Off.

They had NO crushed tomatoes. They had cans of tomato puree where the crushed ones should be. It’s fine, it’s fine. Even in normal times there are these little occasional gaps!

No familiar all-purpose sprays. No Lysol spray. No sanitizing wipes. There was a woman in the cleaning supply aisle talking aloud to her small child, saying “Let’s see, Mommy needs Lysol. Lysol, Lysol, Lysol. Where IS it? Are we in the wrong aisle?” I wondered if this were the first time in 8 months that she’d looked for it. I imagined her tracking down a clerk and asking where she could find it. Clerks probably thought they were long since done explaining the cleaning-supply situation.

Chicken looked normal: three normal pieces in a normal pack. No ground turkey, though. It’s fine! Even in normal times they were sometimes out of ground turkey.

Very low supplies of vegetarian meat substitutes, no fake chicken nuggets at all, but they DID have the Gardein Beefless Ground they usually don’t have.

Regular chicken nuggets seem to be increasing in variety and availability, though not totally up to normal (no chicken strips today, for example), but so much better than when it was down to dino nuggets and nothing else.

Paper towels were low-ish, and seemed to be only store-brand, but no limit.

I got three bricks of cream cheese, so now even if I don’t go shopping again until after Thanksgiving I can still make the chocolate-crusted pumpkin cheesecake, so THAT’S a relief. That was the only thing I wished last time that I’d gotten. Oh, and also a can of whipped cream. And golden raisins for the spice cake (I mince them so small they don’t even seem like raisins, because I do not very much like raisins but I like how they work with this cake)—OH SHOOT I forgot I need another cream cheese for the spice cake frosting! Well, I think I have a cream cheese in the freezer. And if not, that cake is also good with buttercream frosting.

Flour seems back to normal, and they still had yeast.

They had a big display of canned pumpkin, canned cranberry sauce, stuffing mixes, flour, sugars, and baking chocolate. I’d been a little panicky about baking chocolate when I couldn’t find any awhile back, but since then I’d been able to order it from Target; still, good to see it available again.

Do feel free to put your grocery-shopping notes here! My interest has not diminished.

I picked up Edward’s new prescriptions. I dropped off a bunch of stuff at Goodwill. (Are the drop-off lines still surprisingly long in your area? We waited about 20 minutes, with something like eight cars ahead of us. Before All This, there would be mayyyyybe one car ahead of me when I dropped stuff off.) I went to the liquor store. I went to the grocery store and got enough extra for us to coast for awhile if necessary. I have acquired enough of the essential Thanksgiving ingredients (stuffing mix, cranberry sauce, pumpkin, a frozen turkey breast, potatoes) that I could put together a decent Thanksgiving without going to the store again, if I had to. Tomorrow is the U.S. presidential election, and yesterday a parade of cars covered in Tr*mp flags and signs drove honking and yelling through our town, and apparently a lot of other towns/cities experienced the same thing. It didn’t come across as campaigning; it came across as threatening.

Our furnace is old and acting wonky, so we had to have someone in the house again. (So far during the pandemic we have had to have the water heater replaced and a faucet/pipe replaced.) Paul had to ask the worker to wear a mask (previous visitors have put on masks when they saw Paul at the door wearing one, but this guy didn’t take that cue), which is so frustrating at this point, when it feels as if EVERYONE should be wearing masks just automatically.

I’ve had to go TWICE into Target in the last week, both times for prescriptions. I wish they would include prescriptions in their Drive-Up service, but so far they don’t, or at least our Target doesn’t. The first time, I felt VERY ANTSY about it: I hadn’t been inside a Target since before lockdown. I had to talk myself through it a little: it’s no different than the grocery store, I will be in and out in less than ten minutes, etc. While I was there, I checked for my usual cleaning sprays and for Clorox wipes, but there were none, so that was a little disappointing: I’d been thinking that if I had to go inside ANYway, at least I could get the things they don’t offer for Drive-Up or shipping. But no.

A week later, I had to go in again, for another prescription—this is a little frustrating because these are both long-term medications for Edward, and now they will always be refilling a few days off from each other. I will have to remember to go pick them up after getting the refill call about the SECOND medication. Anyway, so then I was going into Target AGAIN, but at least that time they did have small containers of Clorox wipes, limit 1 per customer. The pharmacy clerk remarked on my find and asked if there were any left, saying she was going to zip over and get a canister on her break.

I don’t know if it’s interesting to discuss the prescriptions. Edward has been on Remicade for his Crohn’s disease, getting infusions every 7 weeks. (Did you already know that “an infusion” means getting the medication by IV? I did not know that until Edward started on Remicade. It takes a few hours.) His most recent MRI and colonoscopy/endoscopy, combined with the bloodwork he gets done at each infusion, and also his failure to gain weight, all together indicated that the Remicade was not doing enough to suppress inflammation. He’s already on the highest dose of Remicade per infusion, but there was still room to increase the frequency of the infusions, so they did that: he’ll go every 5 weeks now. They also added a support medication: methotrexate, which is a pill (or rather, four pills) he’ll take once a week. And then when the hospital pharmacist called to discuss the methotrexate, she said he should also be taking prescription-strength folic acid, because the methotrexate “chews it up,” so that was the prescription I had to go back for.

So. Tomorrow is the election. Tomorrow we will not know the answer we’re waiting for, but we will know more than we know today.

We are now getting approximately one email per day (at the beginning it was more like one per week) telling us of new cases of Covid-19 in our school system, and also explaining to us that they will do a deep clean (as if that fixes anything) but not close the building. They have also explained to us that someone is a “close contact” of an infected person ONLY if they were within 6 feet of them for more than 10 minutes, which means that by their definition, the teacher and other kids in the infected person’s classroom don’t count as close contacts and don’t have to be informed and don’t have to quarantine. Surely this is unrelated to the way the cases are happening faster and faster now.

And the library where I worked, which had been doing only curbside pick-up, opened to the public by appointment only, and now they have had to close completely (including closing curbside) because a staff member got a positive Covid-19 test.

And several of the U.S. vice president’s close aides have been diagnosed with Covid-19, but he is going to keep working anyway, because he is an “essential worker.” CAMPAIGNING IS NOT ESSENTIAL WORK. And also EVEN ESSENTIAL WORKERS SHOULD NOT WORK AFTER BEING EXPOSED. (Though I think the more likely theory is that the VP was positive back when the president had it, and that he then gave it to his aides.)

So in short, I’m feeling pretty happy with my decision to buy the This Is Going Well mug.