Probably I should have done this earlier, but today was the day I told the kids to stop eating lunch at school, since they have to take off their masks for it. It’s worse than eating in a restaurant (SO MANY MORE not-in-the-same-household people, sitting SO MUCH CLOSER), but I couldn’t think of any way around it. But last week I heard on NPR it’s estimated that 92% of in-school spread is happening in the cafeteria, and today was the day I thought “It is not COMFORTABLE or PLEASANT or NORMALLY A GOOD IDEA for children to go 7 hours without eating, but it is absolutely DOABLE and SURVIVABLE and IT IS PAST TIME.” I hate this. I am trying to think of a way I could make this better/easier, like maybe cooking something that would be ready for them to eat as soon as they got home from school—something they really like, like chicken nuggets or pizza.

(Incidentally, our school is using a “connected cases” concept for identifying when they need to level up precautions, and that is interesting to think about in the context of most of the spread perhaps happening at lunch, when the school wouldn’t be aware that the cases were connected.) [Edited to add: Today the school, which in the past has been extremely specific about the EXACT number of connected cases that justify an increase in precautions (or, more often, the EXACT number of connected and unconnected cases that let them NOT do any increase in precautions), sent an email that “due to the number of clusters” (unspecified), they would be increasing precautions, and thanking us for our understanding as they continue to do their very best in these uncertain times. Oh, yes: their very best. Yes. By not requiring masks, let alone vaccines. By redefining “social distancing” so that it was three feet instead of six, so they did not need to make ANY CHANGES to classroom set-up or population. By continuing to hold in-person EVERYTHING, including things that did not need to be in-person. By caving in every way to the angry parents who wanted complete in-person schooling, absolutely as normal, with absolutely no modifications of any kind to allow that to happen more safely. Their. Very. Best.]

We heard from the principal that both twins were identified as close contacts of people (it’s a different person for each twin) who tested positive for Covid-19. [Edited to add: Today we found out they are both the close contact of another person, and it’s someone Edward eats lunch with, so my precaution, which this morning felt paranoid and over-the-top, is too late.] They are not supposed to stay home; they are not required to get a test (though the school mentions that they CAN do so 5-7 days after the exposure); they are just supposed to keep going to school, and at lunchtime keep taking off their masks and breathing over other people. If we were trying to come up with the Covid-19 equivalent of a Chicken Pox Party, we could not do better than this.

Paul took the twins and also Henry for PCR tests this weekend. The testing place (a 35-minute drive away, but they take walk-ins, unlike the pharmacies which are appointment-only and have no appointments in the next week) says we can expect to get results “within 72 hours after 5:00 p.m. on the day of test.” When we had Edward tested by this same place back when he had pneumonia, we FURTHER discovered from customer service that “within” means “after” and “after 5:00 p.m.” means “the next day.” So for example, if you get a test on Monday, you start at 5:00 p.m. on Monday and you count 72 hours so now you are at 5:00 p.m. on Thursday—and then you go to THE NEXT DAY, which is Friday, and that’s the day you can expect to get your test results, unless they are really busy with all the tests they’re doing for air travelers, and then it might be later. THIS IS NOT A WORKABLE PLAN, IN A SITUATION WHERE TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE.

Henry is now eligible for the booster shot. Did our state spring into action with giant, efficient, easily-accessible clinics, since we had PLENTY OF WARNING that this step was coming? Did they hell! The earliest appointment I could get him was two weeks away, at a pharmacy. I took it, thinking I could maybe find something sooner as places added more appointments, but no; I check every day, and there is nothing. Our state’s vaccination website is worse than unhelpful: it didn’t even find the one that was 2 weeks out, and gave a search result of only one appointment, three weeks and more than an hour’s drive away. At this point there is no justification for this level of disorganization.

I drove Rob back to his college. I was glad to see a higher percentage of people wearing their masks in the Masks Required For Entrance rest stops: when I picked him up, it was maybe 50%, and many employees weren’t wearing them; when I took him back, I would see maybe one or two people without masks, and all the employees were wearing them. (I don’t count people eating at tables in my mask-noticing, only people standing in line, in restrooms, etc.)

I paid more for the motel this time and got a room that had been cleaned, which was nice. In fact, it looked to me as if they’d replaced some things such as faucet handles, which can LOOK kind of scruffy/unclean as they get older, even if they ARE clean. I still sprayed/wiped everything down, but I believe I’ll probably be doing that for the rest of my life. I believe I will also be leaving Housecleaning a big tip for the rest of my life.

I’m almost alone in the house today, for the first time in quite awhile: everyone was home for winter break, and then Paul’s workplace advised everyone who could work from home to do so (his workplace has a vaccination requirement, and in-person limits throughout all buildings, and weekly testing, and cases are still going up). But I took today off from work when I thought I’d be driving Rob Sunday/Monday, and when we switched to Saturday/Sunday I didn’t change that plan, and now I think I will also do THAT for the rest of my life: it was very nice yesterday to come home from a somewhat harrowing drive (wet roads and temperature kept dipping below freezing) and think “No work tomorrow!” And Paul had to go into work today to deal with some equipment issues that had been piling up over the holidays, and also to get his required Covid test—and, as much as I have been urging him to stay home whenever possible, I am…not sad that the day he HAS TO go in is the same as the day I am staying home. And the kids are in school, and Rob is back at college, and William is still asleep. Even the cats aren’t in the same room with me. It’s nice.

I am sad and agitated about the kids being back in school this week. Covid-19 cases went absolutely bonkers over winter break with Omicron + holiday get-togethers; and my kids go to a school where vaccinations and masks are not required, and the HVAC system is ancient and the town keeps deciding not to spend the money to repair/replace it, and nothing has been done for “social distancing” except to put up signs telling students to do it (they can’t: their desks are not six feet apart and can’t be moved six feet apart). The kids reported that there was a small uptick in mask-wearing among students, and that some of the teachers/staff who were wearing masks before (most of them were/are not) have switched to KN95s.

I have seen/heard people wondering why vaccinated people are so concerned. I will list my own concerns:

• I am worried that, because of his immunosuppressant medications, Edward’s vaccines didn’t Take, and he’s not actually protected.

• I am worried about long-term effects of Covid-19, which even mild cases can lead to.

• I am worried about the continued mutation of the virus, which is already leading to forms of the virus that are better at getting around vaccinations (AS ANYONE WHO WENT TO A SCHOOL THAT DIDN’T BAN THE TEACHING OF EVOLUTION WOULD EXPECT) and may in the future lead to other unpleasant forms.

• I am worried that maybe I can’t trust the people around me to tell me about their own infection/exposure. There are so many stories of infections happening because someone knew they were positive (or that a household member was positive) but didn’t think it was a big deal and so didn’t let other people know, and then put themselves near other people. This makes me feel like it’s exponentially harder to make my own informed decisions.

• I am worried that hospitals will be overwhelmed. My son Edward has a medical condition that means he needs medical care (both routine and emergency) more often than most people, and I worry that he’ll need care and not be able to get it—or at the minimum that we will need to factor ER overload/contagion into our decisions about what to do. But even aside from Edward, I am worried about any of us having illnesses or injuries and not being able to get medical care / needing to factor overloaded medical systems into our decisions.

• I am worried about other systems collapsing. Our country should have a better system of childcare, since literally everyone understands that parents can’t bring their children to work; but right now schools do a big chunk of that care. If schools (and of course actual childcare centers) have to close because they don’t have the staff to run them, a lot of parents are going to be in serious trouble; I am not one of those parents, but I can still worry and be scared for them, and understand what a huge problem that would be, and feel distressed for them.

• And I am worried about unvaccinated people. It is hard to figure out where the “Why do YOU care, when it doesn’t affect YOU???” point of view comes from. I have given this some thought, and I am forced to conclude that the people asking the question are confused because THEY don’t care about anything that doesn’t affect THEM personally, so it doesn’t make sense to them that other people would care. (But also: we ARE all affected by other people’s decisions/outcomes in this pandemic, so there must be additional levels of confusion going on here.)

At my library, a policy has changed. It used to be that if an employee had a Covid-positive household member, the employee could still come to work (masked, with a negative test, and staying at least six feet away from everyone else). The new policy is that an employee with a positive household member must be out of work a minimum of ten days; and that for planning purposes the absence will be assumed to be twenty days to allow for the possibility of the employee testing positive themselves on any day of those ten and needing to stay out an additional ten days for their own infection. Already two of our librarians are out, starting the day after the new policy. My supervisor is scrambling to find anyone to cover any of those hours. It feels like we are waiting for system collapse: just like the school, we can’t stay open without a certain minimum number of staff.

Also: most of us at my library don’t get paid sick time. Even the ones who do get paid sick time don’t get 10-20 days of it. The “stay away for 10-20 days” is a GOOD POLICY for limiting the spread of the virus, but it needs CORRESPONDING FINANCIAL UNDERPINNINGS to make it work. One of my co-workers said she literally can’t miss 10 days of work, let alone 20, and still pay her bills / keep her house. She said this policy was an incentive to lie, or to avoid testing.

While I was writing this, the kids came home from school. Elizabeth reports that one kid in one of her classes went to the nurse mid-day, tested positive for Covid, and went home. She overheard another kid from another of her classes talking in the hallway to friends about how she was being sent home because of a positive Covid test. A friend has suddenly started wearing a mask after not wearing one, and it turns out it’s because the friend’s sibling tested positive. Another friend went home with a cough and a fever and a negative test. Elizabeth said a few kids just noped-out mid-day, calling parents and getting themselves dismissed because things are going too poorly.

I stress/comfort-ordered prism duct tape for sealing up care packages (FOR PEOPLE I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO SEE IN PERSON), and some pretty green 10×13 envelopes for the next ten years of our tax stuff.

We haven’t had a Grocery Store Report in awhile, in large part because I hadn’t felt the need for them: pretty much everything was in stock, pretty much everything seemed back to normal. I even went back to letting Paul come with me on shopping trips, because we were both vaccinated and because I was no longer feeling like we were in emergency mode, where we should aim for the absolute lowest possible number of people in the store.

Now I am getting pretty twitchy again. A nearby city has put a mask mandate back into effect, so I will be shopping at the branch of our grocery store that’s there, rather than the one in our city where there is no mask mandate. Even with the mask mandate, there are people in the store who are not wearing masks, which may provoke me into regrettable behavior. It’s not that I think grocery store employees should have to enforce mask-wearing (though I do think the store managers should do so, just as they would presumably do if a customer came into the store shirtless/shoeless/smoking), it’s that I CANNOT TAKE ON BOARD that there are people who, even disagreeing with a mask mandate, would REFUSE TO COMPLY AND YET STILL SHOP IN THE STORE. Get OUT!!! Get OUT OF THE STORE if you don’t want to wear a mask!!! TAKE YOUR BUSINESS ELSEWHERE, that’ll show them!! If you DO come into the store, then follow the RULES! Follow the RULES!!!!!!!!

*pant pant*

Anyway. The stores have also been extra crowded, probably because of the holidays, and so I am back to that old feeling of being too stressed to be able to concentrate or make on-the-spot decisions. I have to work from a list (on one trip I tried to buy snacks for stockings, without deciding ahead of time exactly which snacks I’d be buying, and it turned out I could not handle that); I sometimes have to circle back if an aisle is too crowded (CROWDED WITH NON-MASK-WEARING PEOPLE) and/or if the store is out of something and I can’t figure out what to do about it. I don’t think I can have Paul keep coming with me, not only because it’s seeming like we should go back to the “fewest possible people in the store” philosophy but also because it’s too distracting to have to guide him (he is a CART-SWOOPER so I have to give him warning about where we’re going or else he’ll continually overshoot and then SWOOP back, but I don’t really…WANT to do that, I just want to calmly steer the cart myself).

Here are some of the things my store has been out of for several trips:

• Plain M&Ms. They are also low on many other kinds of candy: the Twizzles and Snickers are spread out across the whole length of a shelf, to make it look full. But I’ve specifically noticed plain M&Ms because we always get them for New Year’s, so they’ve been on my list. We did finally find two bags of them this morning—but there were ONLY two bags.

• Mozzarella sticks. None available in any brand, for weeks. I did find some today at another branch of the same store.

• Pasta varieties. For weeks now, each brand of pasta has had only a couple of varieties available, and those have been spread across the shelf to make it look full. In the Prince brand I usually buy, there is only angel hair and tri-color rotini. In the store-brand, there is only radiatore and rigatoni.

• The bread shelves have been VERY stripped-looking. We’ve still been able to get the breads we want, but there are often vast empty spaces on the shelves.

• Jalapeno peppers. And when they DO have them, they tend to be HUGE, which seems like the opposite of how it would be: I’d think they’d be harvesting them SMALL to get them to the store sooner. But perhaps since they’re sold by the pound it makes more sense to let them grow longer. Or perhaps the issue is that fewer trucks are going, so the peppers have longer to grow in between pick-ups. I know nothing about vegetable economics.

• Coleslaw mix, though perhaps it’s a fairly seasonal-demand item and there’s not much demand for it in winter. I was waiting for another shopper to finish looking in that section so I could get some coleslaw, and then I heard her asking an employee if there was any coleslaw, so we were apparently of the same mind. The employee said no, that there hadn’t been any on the last truck, and the next truck wasn’t coming until tomorrow, and she didn’t know for sure there would be coleslaw on that one either.

• The kinds of frozen vegetables I usually buy. There seem to be a lot of the steam-in-the-bag kind, but not the regular bagged kinds. This has been the case since well before Thanksgiving, which is when I noticed I couldn’t buy frozen corn (except the steam-in-the-bag kind) or the Birdseye Classic Vegetable Blend.

• The kinds of frozen fruit I usually buy. I use frozen raspberries for a Jell-O salad I make at Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I usually buy the store brand, and there have been NO store-brand frozen raspberries since I started checking in October. I finally bought a name brand. We’ve also had trouble finding other frozen fruits (peaches, blueberries), especially store-brand.

• Haribo peach gummies

And there have also been intermittent issues where for example it looks as if an entire truck has been delayed: the dairy section almost completely empty of milk and cream, with only smallish sections of more specialty products (buttermilk, small cartons of organic milk, etc.) stocked. Or we’ll find that just about everything on our list happens to be out of stock, but it’s all there the next time we go. Just weird things, increasing my twitchiness.

I have heard reports of a nationwide cream cheese shortage, but our store has been fully stocked. I bought two cream cheeses just in case.

How have your stores been? Have you been noticing things getting nerve-wracking again, or does everything still seem normal?

Four days before Christmas, I went to pick up Rob at college. Traffic was fabulous: clear and easy. The highway rest-stops all had signs up saying that masks were required regardless of vaccination status. Maybe one-third to one-half of the people inside were wearing masks; this included employees. I used the bathrooms quickly, and ate meals in my car.

The motel I stayed in was one I’ve stayed in before. In the past it has seemed shabby, but in a friendly, homey, comforting, CLEAN sort of way. This time it was actively dirty. I freely admit that I should have gone back to reception and asked for a different room. But this is where I got stuck: NO ONE would have thought this room was acceptably clean—and yet, it was not Uncleaned. That is, this was not a situation where I accidentally got a room that had not yet been turned over by Housekeeping, and the motel would be very embarrassed by the mistake, and I would immediately be given a new room. No: Housekeeping had been there. The accumulated dirt on the phone and TV remote and floor and inside of the door were not from just the last guest, or even the last few guests; the shower was too dirty to use but it was not dirt from just the most recent guest; the upper lock had been ripped off the door, which is a serious security issue and yet no one had replaced it. The hallway was also dirty/unvacuumed. So I felt stuck: NO ONE would think this room was okay, and so they had left it this way knowingly, and so I did not have hope that a different room would be cleaner. It was not a matter of “giving them a chance to make it right”: this room was indicative of a systemic and long-term issue.

Instead I used the disinfecting wipes/spray I now bring with me to motels, and I sprayed/wiped/cleaned anything I would need to touch: switchplates, faucets, toilet seats, TV remote, door handles, locks. I skipped a shower. Afterward I left a detailed, concerned review, mentioning the way the motel used to be and comparing it with the way it was this time. I took notes in the little Motel Notebook I keep in my Travel Purse, so I would not forget which motel this was, because I will not stay there again. (I have had a response to my feedback: they are so sorry about my experience; they hope I will pay to come stay with them again so they can restore their good reputation; they do not give any refund or any reason for me to expect that anything would be different next time—just the hope that I will once again risk it.)

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Two days before Christmas, I had a dentist appointment to fill what I assumed was a tiny starter cavity: I’d had x-rays at my appointment 6 months before that hadn’t caught it, and those developed-since-the-last-appointment cavities are generally little 10-minute fixes that make me grateful for modern dentistry: a tiny quick easy fix because they’ve caught it so early. Sometimes the dentist doesn’t even recommend Novocaine, because the cavity is so tiny and shallow and will be so quick to take care of.

This was the first time I’d seen this particular dentist, and I only saw her because of a mix-up: my check-up was accidentally scheduled for a day my usual dentist wasn’t in, so this dentist saw me instead; since she was the one who spotted the cavity, I was scheduled with her for the filling, too. She gave me the Novacaine shot, then started drilling immediately, which I am not used to: my usual dentist does the shot and then either chats with me for awhile or else leaves to go do an exam on another patient, to give the Novocaine time to work. This was the first time I’ve had to use the “raise your left hand if you need me to stop” gesture; the pain was so bad it made me gag. She gave me a second shot of Novocaine, and then waited a couple of minutes, and then drilled for well over half an hour: Rob was there for a 45-minute cleaning and check-up that began at the same time as my appointment, and I heard him finishing up and leaving and the dentist was still drilling my tooth. Then she said the drilling was done and they were going to take a little break, and she and the assistant left for 5-10 minutes. I am not used to that happening, either. Why did they leave?

Here was what I was thinking, as I lay in the dentist chair by myself, trying not to let my tongue over-investigate the trench in my tooth, which involved two surfaces: what does a dentist do if they make kind of a big mistake on someone’s tiny cavity, so that it turns into a giant filling? Do they say “Oops, I made a mistake, I’m so sorry about accidentally removing way too much of your tooth, please do not sue me!” Or do they carry on as if everything is fine/normal, and do the best they can to patch up the damage, and maybe consult with the assistant midway through? Mistakes MUST happen, and yet I don’t think I have ever heard a story about a dentist volunteering information about a mistake to a patient, so do feel free to share if you have such a story. (I am remembering long ago when a dentist was working on a filling in one of my teeth and the drill bit came flying off into my mouth while he was working, and the dentist swore and the assistant made a startled noise, but no one said anything about anything going wrong. And then, coincidentally and unrelated to that, it turned out that same tooth he was working on was badly cracked, and I had to go back a few days later to have that fresh filling removed and a crown put on. I told that story to my next dentist, and her eyebrows went VERY HIGH.)

My tooth hurt so much that afternoon/evening, I had trouble sleeping and thought I might end up with an emergency Christmas dentist appointment—but by morning it felt okay: tender, but not painful. I felt very grateful for that. While also not wanting to see that particular dentist again.

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The same day as the filling, Rob wanted to go to Target for a couple of last-minute gifts. When we arrived, masked as usual, there was a big sign saying that, due to an emergency order, masks were required for entry. The unmasked older man in front of us turned on his heel, saying “Jesus CHRIST,” and left, even though free masks were being given out next to the sign. Inside the store, more than half of the customers were not wearing masks—meaning that they had put the masks on in order to be allowed to enter, and then had SO CLEVERLY removed them, KNOWING they were not allowed to do so. This made me hate humanity and all its sly smug wily stupidity. I felt the potential in me for violence: I wanted to SMACK people and SHOVE them HARD. Instead I got milk and orange juice and Edward’s prescription, and Rob quickly chose his gifts, and we got out of there.

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That same day, Edward started feeling very ill with Crohn’s-y/intestinal symptoms; he was ill all afternoon and evening, and all day Christmas Eve. I thought this might be our first Christmas in the ER, but it was not. I felt very grateful for that. I also felt so exhausted by bedtime, I told Paul I thought I might die.

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Christmas came up so fast, and left so fast. All my people were well and, if nothing else, this pandemic has taught me to consider that the baseline for full happiness.

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I managed to neither overdo nor underdo the gifts this year, and that was satisfying. But I also feel like we didn’t watch enough Christmas movies, I didn’t read enough Christmas books, we didn’t do the Christmas puzzle I bought on a good price last year. I bought Dutch speculaas cookies like my grandparents had when I was a child, and I just found them in the cupboard because apparently I forgot to bring them out. And JUST NOW, WHILE WRITING, I realized that we forgot to go on the Christmas Light Drive we’ve done EVERY SINGLE YEAR since we had only one baby 22 years ago, and I don’t know how we forgot to do that, except that we are on a totally new Christmas-celebrating schedule now. I am trying not to feel Deep Dismay about it. (…But we ALWAYS…!)

I nearly forgot the tea advent calendar I bought to use AFTER Christmas, but writing this has reminded me to bring it out and put it on my desk so I can do the first day tomorrow. I think a daily tea / mental-health break is a Very Very Good Idea right now.

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If you feel that you are the one who keeps working, exhausted, throughout the holiday season, doing almost all the holiday prep while also continuing the chores that have to be done even though it’s the holidays (litter box, grocery shopping, replenishing toilet paper), and taking photos of all the celebrations while no one takes any photos of you so no one will even know you were there, while your spouse sits back and enjoys himself much the way the children do—may I suggest one of my favorite post-Christmas traditions, if the budget can stretch to it, which is “ordering yourself a few things from your wish list”? I tend towards the things I think will be more difficult to acquire at the next gift occasion, such as books that are currently available at a nice price in hardcover, but maybe not for much longer. It can be a heartening post-holiday ritual, and nice to extend the Fun Mail season into bleak January.

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Recently a friend suggested that perhaps I am not DIRECT with Paul and the children. At first I rejected it outright, and I do think that suggestion represents a common conscience-alleviating concept: that the problem is that women aren’t CLEAR and DIRECT enough, and that if only women would EXPRESS themselves better, if only they would SAY what they MEAN, THEN men/children would LEAP to do their share! Instead, women fail to communicate. And so how can men/children possibly figure anything out by themselves, the way the women did? They simply can’t!

But then I gave it more thought. When I said to Paul that I was so exhausted I might die, it’s true that was not Direct. I FELT it was pretty Direct, but it was not. I could have said something more like: “I am beyond normal levels of busy and tired and stressed, and you are not. You need to do more, WITHOUT me needing to constantly/individually/specifically ask you to do each thing.” But I didn’t say that, for the same reason I didn’t complain about the motel room: there is a level at which it’s worth it to point out an accidental lapse so that someone can fix it; and there is another level at which there is an obvious long-term systemic problem that is not accidental, and at which there is no point anymore saying anything.

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This morning I went to the grocery store, thinking it might be very unbusy: I thought lots of people might still be in the midst of Christmas celebrations/visitors, and maybe still well-stocked from the busy days before Christmas. Instead it was busier than I’ve seen it in awhile—and also, almost no one was masked. The Omicron variant is all over the news, there are stories about how all the Christmas celebrations will let Covid spread like the curtains are on fire, a child recently died of Covid in our area—and meanwhile, the grocery store looked as if I’d accidentally arrived during a special time set aside for Our Maskless Customers. And there were MANY small children, many of them there with TWO adults, so at least theoretically the child(ren) COULD HAVE stayed home with one of the adults, but instead BOTH adults AND the child(ren) were there breathing the unfiltered air, as if in the HOPES of acquiring an illness.

Grocery items are becoming patchy/unavailable again.

I keep needing to talk myself down from Shipping Worries, even though I have no serious shipping worries: the UPS packages (I’m not getting burned by USPS again this year) to my parents and to Paul’s sister have arrived safely; all the other gifts are either already here or else it’s no big deal to wrap a picture of the item instead. There are some things I ordered for a Christmas party that were supposed to be here on the 15th and now Target estimates they won’t be here until the day after the party, but that’s at most a disappointment, and I can either deliver them to people after the party or else I can figure out something different to bring for the party, and it’s no big deal and everything will be fine. And if the gift cards for the UPS/USPS delivery people don’t show up in time, well, who knows better than they about shipping issues? I don’t need to worry! I keep worrying anyway!

It just feels like Things Are Not Okay, or Potentially Not Okay, or that Things Might Later Not Be Okay. Like, I might need something important but be unable to get it; I might want to send something important but it might get stuck on the way. It’s similar to when there were things unavailable in the grocery store, and that was stressful EVEN IF I DIDN’T WANT TO BUY THOSE THINGS; it created in me an odd urge to quest for and buy those things. My college major was Business, so I have taken Marketing and Economics classes and dimly remember that scarcity and demand are powerful forces, but that’s only somewhat helping me to stop panicking over things I don’t need to panic about.

Something a little more helpful is remembering that for those of us with Anxiety Issues, anxiety can be something that exists on its own in a pure and meaningless form, and then the brain searches for justification for the anxiety’s existence. I am anxious FIRST, for biological/psychological reasons; then my brain tries to figure out an explanation for the anxiety, and instead of saying “Oh, I see: it’s a little glitch here in this region, how unfortunate, perhaps we could fill out a maintenance request form,” it says “THERE CAN BE NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, THE EXCELLENT BRAIN! IT MUST BE SOMETHING EXTERNAL THAT IS WRONG. AH HA, I SEE IT NOW: IT MUST BE THE SUPPLY CHAIN.” Or the plumbing, or the budget, or the cleaning chores, or the cat’s asthma, or WHATEVER it finds lying around within easy reach.

And of course it GENUINELY IS a little stressful to have supply chains disrupted in various ways, and it DOES INDEED indicate that Things Are Not Entirely Okay, and it is legitimate to be concerned that it might get worse and/or cause problems later on even if we have been lucky/okay so far, and it is not a bad thing to be worried on behalf of people who have not been as lucky/okay, and it is okay to be a little anxious about all of it. But wouldn’t it be kind of nice NOT to be, or to be LESS. So I am trying.

The most useful Coping Thought so far is “You don’t have to think about that Right Now.” What I like about it is that it doesn’t dismiss the legitimacy of the concerns, it only addresses whether thinking about it RIGHT NOW will be of any use, which: no. I can use the anxiety to fuel a few practical decisions, such as making sure I’ve bought a little ahead on things that would cause issues if they became unavailable (my reflux medication, for example), and everything else can be set aside to worry about Another Time, which may perhaps be Never, but will more likely be 3:30 in the morning when the Coping Thoughts are off-duty.

It also helps to think about the times when Anxious Fears About Shortages turned out to feel kind of silly afterward. (This is a technique that can ONLY be self-administered.) I remember searching for disinfecting wipes every single time I went to the store, with big pangs of anxiety every time I couldn’t find them—and then when they WERE available, I didn’t BUY ANY, because I DIDN’T NEED ANY! WHY THEN ALL THOSE ANXIOUS PANGS??? Or, recently I placed a Target drive-up order, and got an out-of-stock notice on two of the things I’d wanted for the kids’ stockings, and I felt this big surge of OH NO THIS IS VERY BAD—and then I went into the store to get something that wasn’t available for drive-up, and saw the things that were allegedly out of stock, and it wasn’t even all that exciting to buy them, because the stockings would have been fine without them. WHY THEN THE PANIC?? So silly.

In short, if you would like to fret about shipping delays/concerns, you will find me a VERY SYMPATHETIC EAR.

An update on Edward. Let’s see. When last we spoke, he was feeling somewhat better, his fever was more manageable, he was eating cinnamon toast, we still didn’t have his PRC Covid test back, but we had done a rapid test and it was negative. So things looked like this:

Thursday: woke up with fever; took PCR test that afternoon
Friday: fever
Saturday: fever; negative rapid Covid test; PCR test results overdue

So now here are the updates:

Sunday: fever; still no PCR test results
Monday: fever; PCR test negative

I took him to the pediatrician Monday early afternoon. She did another rapid Covid test, which was negative. She did a flu test, which was negative. She did a strep test, which was negative. I appreciated the way she then looked at him: almost fiercely, like she was GOING TO FIND OUT what was wrong with this child. She sent us to the reasonably-nearby hospital (30 minutes away) to get bloodwork and a just-in-case chest x-ray; there is a lab/x-ray in the same building with the pediatrician, but it won’t do stat results, and she wanted stat results. This was the first time I’ve heard a doctor ask for stat results, and it sure pushed us to the front of every line, so they must not use it very often. Less than an hour after we were home from the hospital, the pediatrician had the results of the bloodwork and the x-ray, and she had a diagnosis for us: pneumonia in one lung.

I am only slightly familiar with pneumonia. I had it myself as a young child, an event I barely remember, and only in little child-memory snippets (feeling too sick to keep my eyes open for the pediatric “Welcome to the Hospital!” video; pink medicine in a plastic cup; Jell-o and popsicles; my beloved BABYSITTER!! VISITED ME!! AND BROUGHT ME A STUFFED ANIMAL!!! And I had “walking pneumonia” a couple of times as an adult, but my impression is that that’s not the same as pneumonia? or something? I could look it up, I suppose. *lazy hand-wave* And my mom has had pneumonia (the diagnosed-in-the-ER kind, not the walking kind) several times.

What I thought I knew about pneumonia is that it starts with a cold or other illness, which then goes on for a long time until it turns into pneumonia. Again, I could look it up, but ehhhhhh. In Edward’s case, though, he had fever first, then more fever, then gradually developed a light cough, which then turned into a steadier more bothersome light cough. So what I am wondering is if this pneumonia is instead related to the surgery he had the day before Thanksgiving, when they used a breathing tube. Could pneumonia end up in the lungs that way? Should I look it up? I definitely should, but right now I am so wiped out. This morning I need to call his Crohn’s doctor and give them the update, and see about rescheduling his postponed Remicade infusion (and this means he’ll miss ANOTHER day of school, when he has already missed at least four). Also we got a letter from our insurance company saying they will no longer cover Remicade as of next month, and I need to panic about that, but I don’t have time right now, so I hope the doctor is already taking care of it, as I’m sure his office also got a letter, and in the past his office has been very, very, VERY good about handling insurance issues, generally taking care of them completely before I even KNOW about them. (Super, super annoyingly, the letter from the insurance company was DATED November 8th, but actually ARRIVED December 4th, which, come on.) I need to call the school to give them the update on Edward. I need to remember to call the pediatrician, who wants to see Edward back on Wednesday if he still has a fever by the end of today, or Thursday/Friday if it goes away. I need to go pick up a UPS package, which needs a signature and they tried to deliver it twice, including once when Paul was home but had his headphones on; the UPS guy tried the doorbell for like 4-5 minutes, so he really gave it his best shot and I am only glad he doesn’t have to keep coming back again and again when I am just never home at the time he gets here. I’m so annoyed (at Paul, at the situation/timing, at the business who sent it signature-required) I could cry. I still need to, like, HANDLE SO MUCH CHRISTMAS. Meanwhile I’m going to have to nag Edward through making up at least 4-5 days’ worth of schoolwork, which he is ALREADY showing bad attitude about. I am getting to the level of Overwhelmed where I am starting to make impulsive decisions to get things out of my realm (throwing away a string of lights when they didn’t immediately work, for example), and I am DEFINITELY in “where possible, use money to buy time” mode. I am also trying not to discuss ANYTHING of ANY importance with ANYONE, because I am in the state of mind where a conversation about maybe dealing with one’s own crumbs on the counter could turn into a conversation about LEAVING AND NEVER COMING BACK.

An update on my Moderna booster shot (after two Pfizer doses). I got it Saturday afternoon at around 2:00. I felt okay all the rest of Saturday, I think; it’s hard to remember. I was very distracted by Edward, and occupied with refreshing my email to see if the PCR tests were back yet.

Saturday night I woke up a couple of times with an “Uh oh, I feel like I’m coming down with something” feeling: slightly sore/gunky throat, slight headache, general unwell feeling. I woke up with those same feelings Sunday morning, but by the time I was out of the shower I felt pretty normal. My arm was kind of sore, but no big deal. Most of the day Sunday I felt normal.

About 24 hours after the booster, though, I started feeling kind of achy and tired. From then until around 8:00 at night, I felt increasingly achy all over, until I felt like I really needed to go lie down; while I was getting ready for bed, I started feeling like my skin was hot, and I got chills and my teeth were chattering; I should have taken my temperature, but I felt too cold and just wanted to get into bed. I went to bed and played games on my phone, and at about 9:30pm I got up to pee and noticed I was now VERY sore all over, and I was freezing/chattering again as soon as I got out of bed, and so I took painkillers and went back to bed; I woke up Monday morning feeling normal.

Monday morning and all of Monday I was extremely busy and distracted with various Edward things; I didn’t feel too unwell to handle it, and I didn’t need painkillers. I had no appetite, though, and found it difficult to eat. This morning, Tuesday, the area around where I got the booster is pink and swollen, though not in a worrisome way, and I still feel relatively normal, but also still non-hungry. I can’t tell if I’m feeling wrung out and tired because I AM wrung out and tired, or if it’s booster-related, but I feel well enough to go to work and cope with things. I feel what I’d EXPECT to feel, normally, in these circumstances, is what I guess I mean.

Proof-reading this, I think it comes across extremely whiny and exhausted and PLEASE PITY ME. And I would not say no to a little pity, but truly this is a VENTING sort of post, where I am unloading all the sad/negative things of the last few days, but ACTUALLY things are good: we have a diagnosis for Edward, and we have antibiotics, and the pediatrician was SO GOOD figuring it out, and she says he will probably feel significantly better today! I can go pick up my UPS package, instead of fretting about what I am supposed to do about no one being home to sign for it! I got my booster, and my body showed an immune response, and that is GOOD, and also it wasn’t a TERRIBLE immune response (it actually felt kind of nice to be snuggled warm in bed, just sick enough to really love being there), just sort of a satisfyingly vigorous one! And I love Christmas and Christmas things, and I even love Christmas busyness, it’s just that I am a little OVER-busy right at this MOMENT—but if all goes as we hope, I am soon going to be spending less time Tending Edward and driving him to appointments, and that time issue is going to clear right up! And yesterday there was no fun Christmas mail, but maybe today there will be some!

An update on yesterday’s post:

1. Edward is feeling better today. His fever is still in the 100-point-something range with regular ibuprofen/acetaminophen, but it’s not high like it was yesterday, and I’m no longer fretfully thinking about emergency rooms. He is coughing more: a light dry irritating cough. He has moved out of the stage of illness where he was too ill to enjoy anything, and into the stage where he has a cozy nest and is enjoying having me fetch him cinnamon toast and the Switch and a fresh can of soda and a phone charger and so forth.

2. We still don’t have the results of his PCR test. It’s been over 48 hours. There’s a phone number to call if it’s been over 48 hours, but it goes to a lab that has closed for the day.

3. I got my booster shot. I drank a ton of water. WE SHALL SEE.

[EDITED TO ADD! 4. The rapid tests I ordered last week arrived today. (I could have at any time purchased a rapid test at a local store, but had not thought to do so; the ones that arrived in the mail were part of a state program.) So we did a test on Edward right away. It was negative. The test claims to be 99+% accurate for negative results.]

WILD SWING TO A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT TOPIC.

Christmas cards have started arriving!! I have gotten four so far!! This is pleasing, because I got all my cards ready EARLY to send out RIGHT ON DECEMBER 1st—and then when December 1st actually arrived, I felt self-conscious about it, like people would think I was weird for sending them so early. But I did not feel it was at ALL weird when I RECEIVED cards! I felt like “Yay, Christmas Mail Season!!” Black Friday purchases have also started arriving.

In case you were waiting for the annual 10%-off Target gift cards sale, it is THIS WEEKEND. I am getting one for the mail carrier and one for the UPS delivery person, both of whom have done…a lot of work for us. (The gift card selection thingie defaults to “email,” which of course won’t work for what I have in mind; if it’s the same for you, make sure you change the delivery method to “mail.” Amusingly, the site then warns you that mail will take longer than email/text. Well, yes.) I kind of miss the years when I had so many other people (classroom teachers, bus drivers, music/karate teachers) to buy for, but I don’t miss how fraught that could feel.

Whenever I travel, I do a lot of laundry before I go: if I die on my trip, everyone will have clean clothes for awhile. When, years ago, I’d first find out I was pregnant, I’d thoroughly clean the toilet, knowing that soon I (2) wouldn’t be able to do it and (2) would have reason to greatly appreciate a nice clean toilet to throw up into.

My Covid-19 booster shot is tomorrow, and I am doing laundry and cleaning bathroom floors. I am so glad to be getting this shot, and I am also nervous. From what I’ve seen/read/heard, the absolute best is to MIX the vaccinations—so although I got Pfizer for my first and second shots, I’m getting Moderna for my booster. I’m nervous! I’m nervous. I’ve seen a lot of things about Moderna side effects. For Pfizer, too, of course, and I DID have side effects with Pfizer: basically a day and a half of feeling very crummy and also depressed. I normally do the bulk of my housecleaning on weekends; I might not feel up to it after my booster shot, so I’m doing it now.

I thought about skipping the bathroom floors and the laundry, because Edward has been sick and I am sort of wrung out. He’s the one with Crohn’s disease, and his immune system is suppressed, so I have been worried about him more than anyone else during this pandemic. Meanwhile my fellow townspeople have been vigorously protesting that vaccines/masks affect ONLY THE PERSON GETTING/WEARING THEM, and probably VERY NEGATIVELY, so both should be left to INDIVIDUAL CHOICE. They have threatened and yelled at the school board until the school board ruled that masks are completely voluntary; my kids wear them, and a few other students/teachers do, but most people don’t. “Close contact” has been redefined, so that no one can meet that definition unless their seat is on another student’s lap. Vaccines are not required, even though many other vaccines (polio, diphtheria, measles, mumps, whooping cough) ARE, and we did not have widespread resistance about those. The school, which has an ancient HVAC system and the town keeps voting against spending the money to replace it because for some reason that’s a decision for the popular vote, keeps talking about how they are doing their “Covid-19 cleaning protocols” LONG after we’ve been VERY CLEAR on the idea that disinfecting surfaces does nothing about Covid-19.

Anyway, on Thursday morning Edward had a fever. It wasn’t a terrible one: 100.9. Sometimes he gets a small fever like that as a symptom of his Crohn’s disease; we’re supposed to make a note of it and let the doctor know at his monthly IV medication infusions (which he had to postpone because of the timing of this particular fever), but typically it’s not a big deal—just something to write in his file so we know if it’s getting better/worse. He stayed home from school, and the school nurse said he couldn’t come back the next day, either, and also that he would need either a negative Covid-19 test or a doctor’s note to come back on Monday. Well, even his specialists can’t know/say for sure that a particular fever ISN’T anything. So I took him to get a Covid test.

I don’t know about your area, but in our area this isn’t super easy to do, even after nearly two years of this pandemic. Most drug stores say they offer drive-through Covid tests, but it’s by appointment only; and if you try to get an appointment, you will find none available same-day, and sometimes not available for days afterward. I called the pediatrician’s office to ask for help, and they said there was a parking-lot drive-up site 35 minutes away, but that it closed at 3:00, “so I’d leave now, if I were you, because they stop testing at 3:00 and anyone still in line is sent away.” It was 12:30. We left now. We did get the test. This was 30 hours ago. We don’t have a result yet. It’s been almost two years of this pandemic, and we are still lucky to get test results within two days. For two days, we make decisions (should Paul and I go to work? should the other kids go to school? how much should Edward be isolated from the household? should Edward get the medical treatment he may need if he’s positive?) without the crucial information we need to make those decisions.

Meanwhile Edward’s fever went up to 103.8 for part of today, and that was when he still had an hour left before he could take more acetaminophen. He has developed a cough. His fever has since gone back down to the 100-point-something range, but for a few hours I was poised to take him to the ER—and maybe to the ER of the children’s hospital in the big city where he sees specialists, rather than to the ER of our local hospital, since it is likely he would be admitted. Hey, do you know the kid who sits next to him in one of his classes has been out with Covid? Edward is not considered a close contact, despite sitting one not-at-all-socially-distanced desk away, so the school did not let us know. Edward wears a mask every day, but the other kid doesn’t; Edward has had three shots of the Covid-19 vaccine, but because he is immunosuppressed, maybe none of them worked. Mask-wearing and vaccinations, as the school has been forced by parental pressure to assert, are a personal and individual choice that affect only the individual, so luckily we don’t need to take that other student’s positive Covid-19 test, or vaccination status, or mask usage, into account when deciding what to do about Edward.

We have put Edward off by himself in Rob/William’s room; we are lucky they’re not home so we have this space. I am going up and down the stairs many, many times, bringing him things, checking on him, taking his temperature (101.3 at most recent check, and that’s fully medicated). Then I cycle laundry, and go back to my computer and refresh my email. Still no test results.

During the pandemic, I bought and/or put on my wish list a fair number of books (many as a result of this post), because I was not going into work myself and did not want to seem to be saying “Oh, hey, it’s not safe for ME to work at the library—but since YOU are there, could you fetch me some reading material? Thx!!”

Some of the books were huge hits, and I will save them on my bookshelf! Others, I will be allowing to depart my realm for VASTLY ASSORTED REASONS, including:

• I liked the book, but some books are not the re-reading kind
• I am passionately fond of other books by this author but what was UP with this one
• I LOVED it, and it was the first book of a trilogy, and when I went to buy the second/third books I found that it was actually less expensive to buy a box-set of all three books than to buy the second and third books, so I bought the box-set, which left me with an extra copy of the first book
• I hated it so much, I finished it only for the satisfaction of the Hate Read / for the incredulous attempt to understand WHY it was recommended; I want it out of my house; I want no one to know that money was paid for this book on my behalf

Which means I have a stack of Almost New, Read-Literally-One-Single-Time books, and I don’t want to keep them, but also I don’t want to donate them to a charity that will sell them (or fail to be able to sell them) for 50 cents or else put them in the paper recycling bin (books are the ULTIMATE in “losing value the second you drive them off the lot”), so maybe YOU would like to try them? Tastes in reading material vary so very much, and I greatly valued the chance to TRY a book and maybe you would too! And ALL of these books were HIGHLY RECOMMENDED, usually by MULTIPLE PEOPLE, so it’s fairly likely you WOULD like them!

And so I thought, what about this: What about we have a holiday-season giveaway, where you leave a comment telling me all the books in this stack that you’d like to win, and I choose winners, and I mail out the books WRAPPED (I will offer a choice of paper: Christmas, birthday, snowflakes, or something holiday-neutral such as pink paper with cats/elephants on it), and almost certainly not arriving in time for The Holidays, depending on which Holidays you celebrate, unless it is Valentine’s Day in which case there is a GOOD CHANCE!, and you don’t even KNOW which book you got until you unwrap it (unless you only said one book, which is FINE)?? Would that be fun??? I feel like that would be fun!!! OKAY, IF YOU TOO THINK IT WOULD BE FUN, LET’S GO!! [Edited to add: evidently Swistle is unable to handle the complexity of handling the very part she considered most fun; see below. MAYBE NEXT YEAR.]

I am only mailing these to U.S. addresses, but it does not have to be YOUR U.S. address, if you have a friend or family member in the U.S. who would enjoy receiving a once-read book in NEAR-but-not-quite-NEW-condition! If you would like to win, for yourself or for someone you know with a U.S. address, leave a comment that includes a list of ALL of the books from this stack that you would be interested in winning, IN THE ORDER YOU WOULD BE INTERESTED IN WINNING THEM. It is 100% okay if you list only one book! I will draw names, and then I will give out books in the order they appear on the list and are available! That is: if I first draw commenter #23, and commenter #23 lists the N. K. Jemisin first, they will get the N. K. Jemisin. Then if I draw commenter #8, and that commenter lists the N. K. Jemisin first and the Joanna Trollope second, the N. K. Jemisin is not available and so they will get the Joanna Trollope! And so on, until I have matched commenters to all of the books! I will do this on, let’s say Wednesday, December 1st? Which is THIS COMING WEDNESDAY ALREADY

Also: I think you should be forewarned that I am tentatively planning to write inscriptions in the books. (But I won’t if you instruct me not to.) (And almost certainly won’t if you’re having me send it to someone who isn’t you.) (And it’s likely I won’t ANYWAY, because I will be seized with self-consciousness and/or the worry that I will mis-write and have to SCRIBBLE SOMETHING OUT. IN A BOOK.)

Here are the available books, with my takes below the photo, in case you want to read my takes, which I don’t necessarily recommend since every single one of these books is one that was HIGHLY recommended to me, often multiple times, so you really should not be taking my word for anything, but if I were you I would want to see, so here you go, photo and then takes:

Sense & Sensibility, by Joanna Trollope, hardcover (Amazon link). This is part of a project to re-tell Jane Austen novels. The “cameos wearing earbuds” on the cover gives the general flavor, I think. I liked it fine. I felt it was trying too hard to be modern/sexy. But I liked it fine.

Last Things, by Jenny Offill, paperback (Target link) (Amazon link). I have LOVED other books by this author, but this was an abused/neglected/abandoned-childhood book, and I just never like those, no matter how good they are.

Redhead by the Side of the Road, by Anne Tyler, hardcover (Target link) (Amazon link). This felt like something that started as a character-sketch writing exercise, which the author then forced into a novel when she was panicking about meeting a book deadline. And furthermore, it was a character sketch of a mediocre white man. And the title was silly / ridiculous / A VERY ODD REACH.

In the Bleak Midwinter, by Julia Spencer-Fleming, paperback (Target link) (Amazon link). Hated it for many, many reasons. I don’t remember those reasons anymore. It’s a Dead Pretty Girl book, just for starters. And I remember a section where someone is portrayed as ridiculous/stupid, and that’s done primarily by making them poor/fat/ugly, and I was so appalled/horrified/nauseated I almost stopped reading right there. I read many sections out loud to Paul in a Ranting Tone, I remember that. But it’s the first in a series, and apparently there’s a good slow-burn romance, so if you might be interested, this would be a good way to try it!

Shades of Milk and Honey, by Mary Robinette Kowal, paperback (Target link) (Amazon link). This is Jane Austen / Pride & Prejudice fan fiction, and I liked it and thought it did a very good job, but didn’t think I’d want to re-read. I don’t remember it well at this point, but it added an element of magical arts to the other normal artistic accomplishments of a young lady.

The Fifth Season, by N. K. Jemisin, paperback, FIRST IN A TRILOGY (Target link) (Amazon link). Science fiction by a woman instead of by a middle-aged white man; loved it even though early on there is a terrible scene involving a child, and that scene is revisited later on; wanted to read the next two and found it would be cheaper to buy the trilogy box set, and so ended up with an extra copy of the first book. I don’t want to talk you out of it by mentioning the child thing; it’s just, that is the kind of thing I prefer to be braced for, and to know that someone Very Sensitive to that Kind of Thing was able to still enjoy the books.

The Family Fang, by Kevin Wilson, paperback (Amazon link). I really enjoyed Nothing To See Here, but The Family Fang was not my style AT ALL. I hate hate hate public performance/embarrassment stuff, especially when designed to make other people uncomfortable, and I don’t like plots that seem way too surreal to ever be even remotely real. This felt like trying-too-hard indie writing.

A House Among the Trees, by Julia Glass, paperback (Target link) (Amazon link). I LOVED other books by this author, but never got into this one. It seemed like tedious idolatry of a thoroughly mediocre and irritating white man. I kept waiting for it to get good.

Mrs. Everything, by Jennifer Weiner, paperback (Target link) (Amazon link). I hated this book enough to continue reading it to the end ONLY because I really MAKE SURE I hated it. And in fact, this book was a breaking point: I will never read another book by Jennifer Weiner, I don’t care how highly recommended it is, I am DONE. Errrrrrr…this does not mean I will think it’s weird if you love her and want to win this book! not that you should care what I think anyway! I can see that she is not actually the worst, but her style is extremely a certain particular kind I am having trouble putting a finger on but it is something like: I! Am! Writing! a! Book!

Mexican Gothic, by Silvia Moreno-Garcia, hardcover (Target link) (Amazon link). This was really good and really creepy/suspenseful and I would highly recommend it, but I didn’t think I’d want to re-read it.

Update! I have chosen the winners and sent out emails! I ABSOLUTELY BLEW IT and told each winner which book they’d won! I can’t believe I did that! I was trying to be so organized, making myself a list of each winner with their email address and SECRET book they’d won, and then—welp. I just went ahead and wrote the name of the book into each email, as if that had been the careful plan all along. The only upside I can see to this is that if you were thinking of putting any of the other books on your wish list, you aren’t restricted by not knowing which book Swistle is sending you. But other than that—sigh.