I had a whole list of things I jotted down to remember to write about, but looking over them now they seem to justify the theory that if I don’t remember it later, it probably wasn’t worth remembering. Still, here we are. I have no better ideas.

I attended a Facebook Live concert, an hour of piano by my cousin who is a music teacher and performer. This would not normally have been my thing, and in fact I’d never done anything with Facebook Live before, and it took me until almost the end of the concert to figure out how to make little thumbs-ups and hearts go floating up the screen in response to things she was playing/saying, but I DID figure it out. And the reason I jotted down the idea is because I wanted to recommend trying something like that, if you have the opportunity, because I was surprised to find it replenished my Social Buckets considerably even though I was not really interacting socially per se. But even just seeing my cousin on the screen, and seeing the little marker that indicated the hundred or so other people who were there watching with me, and seeing them leaving comments and hearts and thumbs-ups—well, I found it worth doing, is what I am saying, and also curiously touching, and perhaps you would find you had a similar reaction to such things, even if in pre-pandemic times you would not have been interested.

This next thing is about dreams; I will keep it brief. I’ve read that a lot of people are having particularly vivid dreams, and that it is in part from stress and in part from isolation. I keep having dreams that I’m adopting children, or considering adopting children, or assisting in the adoption of children. They are so far, luckily, always happy dreams, even though I am sure they stem from a news article I saw about countries very affected by the pandemic. One night I dreamed we were adopting a toddler and an infant, and I thought how nice it was that everyone in our family was home right now so we could get to know the new members together. Last night I dreamed I was holding a baby girl and trying to figure out how old she was based on how much talking she could do, so that I could add her approximate age to her adoption profile. I was holding her on my hip and carrying her around and pointing to things and asking what the things were, and she was pointing and saying “bahbah!” for bottle and so forth, and I was trying to remember what the corresponding age range was for that ability, but also I was thinking how nice it might be to keep her myself.

Also last night I dreamed a cute guy wanted me to marry him and move into his house, and he showed me his house which was exactly my style of house plus some bonus stuff I hadn’t thought to want until I saw it, and I very much liked both the guy and the house but decided it wasn’t worth the trouble to switch.

We are in an area where it is relatively easy and safe and in fact encouraged to go outside, and we are taking advantage of that and doing family walks. While acknowledging that this is something many people CAN’T do and are PINING to do, I will also say that I find walks very, very boring, and even more so now that we’ve gone all the directions many times in many ways. Upside: we sure know our new neighborhood well now! Downside: on one boring walk we impulsively diverted into a town cemetery, which anyone would have known was a dicey idea during a pandemic. There were all these families where someone age 2 died in December and then someone age 9 died that same month, and someone age 7 and someone age 4 died the following month—and then the same thing for another family a little further down. I wondered aloud what had happened, since all of these deaths seemed to have happened in the same winter, and speculated idly that perhaps it was some sort of virus. Then we walked straight home.

I think frequently of my sister-in-law saying that one of the upsides of a coffee habit is that it gives her something happy to look forward to every single morning. It is very common for me to wake up feeling a little grim—and then the sudden happy remembering: “Oh! Coffee!!”

Or in the afternoon, when things are feeling a little grim again and it is starting to sink in that I am going to have to make dinner again. When we would visit my grandparents, my mom would turn to my grandmother and say, “How about a fresh pot of coffee and a Little Something?,” and my grandmother would Fully Brighten and say “YES!” It’s a question I ask of myself now, when it is about 2:00 in the afternoon: “How about a [microwaved] cup of coffee and a Little Something?” YES. Yesterday I had a slice of banana nut bread with my coffee. Today it’s going to be toast with Nutella.

I have had two more Mother’s Day gift ideas (previous idea: custom care package). Both are more expensive than I would normally suggest, but I know a lot of us are accustomed to relying on quality time and meals out and acts of service as gifts for Mother’s Day, and now we are looking for material items that can be shipped, and I don’t know how that translates dollar-wise. Anyway, something that keeps catching MY eye (and I am a mom) is the tiny Keurig, which I thought of because I WOULD like a fresh-brewed cup of coffee in the afternoon but I’m not going to brew another pot [Edited to add: Ohhhhh nooooooo see Amy’s comment below, though, for a heads-up that this particular Keurig may have put all its eggs into the cuteness basket while neglecting to reserve any for the quality basket]:

(image from Target.com)

One of the things I didn’t like about my one-cup coffee maker when I had one is that I also have a regular coffee maker, and there was not room on the counter for both. This one takes up almost no room. If I could make up my mind between the blue and the pink I might have already put it on my wish list. (It also comes in grey and black; those tempt me ONLY because they have been cutely styled in the photos with a bright yellow mug.)

Another perhaps mommish thing I want is a set of Chrissy Teigen’s frying pans, and I want them about 50% because of the green color and about 50% because I follow her on Twitter and love her.

(image from Target.com)

I have had those on my wish list for ages and Paul keeps not buying them because he says it’s too boring of a gift idea, which is something we can discuss another time, but long story short I have these in the back of my mind as the thing I will buy for myself if my family skips Mother’s Day again this year.

I went to the grocery store yesterday and, because I have been so stressed at having to leave stuff behind when I run out of room in the cart, and also stressed that people will see me taking what I need for seven people and think I am taking too much, I tried the system of going in and getting all the stuff that would be perfectly fine sitting in the car for awhile (cat litter, cereal, canned stuff) plus half of the amount of some of the things I feel self-conscious about appearing to take too much of (meat, cheese, butter, eggs), and then going back for a second trip to get the more perishable stuff and the other half of the self-conscious stuff. This worked well (I easily filled two entire carts to what I’d consider comfortable-not-stressy levels) but wow, that is a long time to spend grocery shopping. Still, it was satisfying to get home with all the available stuff on the list, instead of coming home and immediately making a new list of all the things there weren’t room for, plus already being stressed again about running out of meat and cheese and butter and eggs.

My store had flour the last two times I went shopping before this one, but with restrictions: one bag per customer two trips ago, two bags per customer on my last trip. I was hoping that meant everyone had gotten well stocked up on flour and wouldn’t need to buy much more (especially since there’s been no yeast for weeks and weeks) and soon supplies would be back to normal—but this time the store had no flour at all. That kind of thing makes me fretful and a little panicky, especially with so long between shopping trips. But I did find a canister of Clorox wipes, which felt like some kind of miracle: the first time I walked down that aisle, that whole section was completely empty; the second time I walked down it, there were two containers of wipes just sitting there. An employee was stocking the aisle, and I looked to see if he had a whole bunch of the wipes, but no: he was working on unpacking air fresheners and furniture polish.

I will put this other whole fret in one big paragraph to make it easier to skip if you don’t like to read hand-wringing (though in that case what on earth would you be doing HERE). There is a guy near the entrance to that shopping plaza, and in Olden Times I liked to pull over and give him money if he was there and I was passing by, but I have been unsure how to do it safely during a pandemic. Here is what I did do: I took a plastic baggie and put in a disposable water bottle (for weight, but also for the water), a granola bar (because it seemed weird to do just water), and an envelope with the cash in it. Then, instead of leaning out my car window as usual, I parked the car nearby, walked over to the median where he stands, and put the bag down about ten feet away from him. I fretted ahead of time that ANY of the ways that didn’t involve just handing it out the window as usual (throwing it to/near him, putting it on the ground for him to have to pick up, etc.) were a bad look for one human being giving something to another human being. I also fretted that ANYTHING I did would give off “I think you are diseased!” vibes rather than the “I’m protecting us both as recommended!” I was going for. I had to give up both those frets because I couldn’t think of a good way that would avoid those issues entirely, and “just don’t give him the money, then” didn’t feel like a good solution. I also fretted that it would make him nervous to see someone approaching on foot, and I still fret about that. Paul dismissed that concern, saying that I don’t look dangerous to anyone, especially approaching with a clear plastic bag obviously containing food and water. Still, I suspect people who are panhandling get approached in a number of ways by people who don’t look dangerous per se but either ARE dangerous or else want to do other things the person doesn’t like (including things like giving advice or evangelizing, probably by people who look very much like me), so I didn’t like making him wonder. I also didn’t originally like Paul’s idea of using a extendable robot arm (like this) to extend the envelope out the window, but maybe that would be a better idea for next time, I don’t know.

I just had a little unexpected meltdown on a call to refill Edward’s Remicade prescription. It’s a call that is already silly: our current insurance forces us to use a pharmacy that ships the medication to the hospital, when our former insurance just had the hospital pharmacy provide it. So it used to be that we did literally nothing to refill the prescription (the nurses just let the pharmacy know it was needed), and now instead we receive an automated call asking us to call this remote pharmacy, and then we call them, and we spend five minutes contributing NOTHING to the process except to say “Yes, as usual, go ahead, yes, as usual, yes, thank you, yes, just do it as usual, I don’t know if that’s right, the hospital handles that part” and confirming that nothing has changed. The whole thing could be automated, but is not, and we endure it because who is going to make a big system-changing deal about an unnecessary five-minute phone call every seven weeks. Not me.

This time the call took more than half an hour, and I would have said it took 45-60 minutes except I did not actually check the time I started the call, and it is so easy to exaggerate when telling a story of high emotion. I just know it was more than half an hour because I DID glance at the clock the first time she said she was going to put me on hold, which was already well into the part of the call when I was wondering how much longer this was going to take, and I know it was half an hour after that when I finally got off the phone. Anyway, when I had been on hold twice for her to check something AFTER I had given/confirmed allllll the information I ever need to give/confirm, I asked DID she need anything more from me, because it sounded like all she still had to do was confirm things with the doctor’s office, and I’m never involved with that. She said she did in fact need more from me, but that she first needed to confirm with the doctor’s office before she could go on to that part of her form, so I would need to be on hold again while she did that. (This is not typically the case when I call. They typically deal with me, then hang up and do the rest with the doctor’s office.) Then there were two full rounds of unsuccessful attempts to contact the doctor’s office plus one session while she looked for alternate ways to contact them—all of this with me still on the phone. I finally asked WHAT information she still needed from me, and she said she would need me to confirm whatever shipping date the doctor’s office gave her.

That was apparently my breaking point. I transitioned from “somewhat impatient, but still cooperative and polite” to FULLY FLIPPED-OUT in what I would estimate was two, maybe three seconds. My voice went from normal and calm to fast and intense and shaking. In this mode I went on at some repetitive length about how they did NOT need that from me, that I NEVER confirm the shipping date after they speak to the doctor’s office, that I did NOT need to personally confirm the shipping date as long as they were getting it there in time, that WHATEVER the pharmacy and the doctor’s office agreed upon between themselves was FINE with me and I would be giving an automatic YES to whatever it was and did not need a separate call for that, that I did not CARE when they shipped it as long as it got there by the date I had already given her, that I would be happy to give that same VERBAL PERMISSION individually for every single shipping date between now and then if I could JUST GET OFF THE PHONE.

I feel bad that I said it all in that quavering losing-it voice (so contagious to other people’s moods) to someone who has very little power over the situation, and is attempting to do her job as she’s apparently been instructed to do it. (I don’t know how the other representatives avoid what happened this morning; the one I spoke to implied that they did it by not following the rules.) I did remember to say early on that I knew this was not her fault and I knew she was doing what she was supposed to do and I knew that she didn’t make the rules—which, as a former customer service worker, I can say really helped ME when someone was flipping out.

I also recommend, if you are the one flipping out, using “they” to refer to the company you’re having a problem with, rather than “you.” So you’d say, for example, in your high, quavering, clearly-losing-it voice, “I don’t understand why they need me to agree AGAIN to have it shipped!!,” rather than “I don’t understand why you need me to agree AGAIN to have it shipped!!” This helps make it psychologically/emotionally/linguistically clear that you see the nearly-powerless person you’re speaking to as separate from the entity in charge of them. Plus, you get a better answer, if there is one: if you use “you,” you get useless stuff about protocol and following orders, because the agent is hearing “you” personally and so is telling you why he/she specifically has to do it that way; if you use “they,” you might get information about why the company has its agents do it that way.

Anyway, I am not proud of myself this morning, and I’m embarrassed. Everything is weird with all the pandemic weirdness, and there is no need for me to add a meltdown to someone’s working day. (I’m still mad about being on the phone SO LONG FOR NO GOOD REASON though. If you must-must-MUST confirm with me, then CALL ME BACK. WE ARE ALL HOME ALL THE TIME NOW. GAH!)

I keep getting overwhelmed by housework and having to use the “Just do ONE THING” method on myself. Everything STACKS so stressfully: I see the litter box needs scooping and then, as I’m making that mental note, I see I still haven’t put away that load of clean laundry from several days ago; and then I am in the kitchen and I see the counter needs wiping so apparently I’m going to have to nag the child whose job that is, and another child has left dishes on the counter so apparently I have to track them down and nag them about THAT, and the kitchen floor is looking grubby again; and then I go into the bathroom and I see the mirror needs cleaning and I remember ALL the mirrors need cleaning, and there is visible dust on the toilet tank, and the toilet paper roll needs changing and am I really going to have to PITCH A SHRIEKING FIT before anyone else but me ever changes it?—and at that point I can’t really do ANYTHING because there is TOO MUCH TO DO and also I am TOO PISSED.

But if I say firmly to myself, “No, no—just pick ONE THING and do it,” I can cope. Sometimes I even do MORE THAN ONE THING, but I absolutely do not plan/count on that. Yesterday I cleaned the kitchen floor AND I scooped the litter box AND I nagged several children. Today perhaps I’ll do the mirrors and the shrieking fit!

I am continuing to rely pretty heavily on Target.com to supplement shopping trips. (I mean I order shipments, like through the mail.) One reason this works well for me is that I truly LIKE messing around with online shopping carts, checking daily to see if certain things are in stock, etc. Even in normal times, that is something I do recreationally. So in times of shortage and lockdown, where in-person shopping is now pretty stressful for me, it is something I would categorize as “fun” as well as useful, and it makes me feel cheery as well as productive.

A few days ago I ordered cat food, which is still available at our grocery store but I can’t spare the space in the grocery cart. Also trail mix, which I realize is half chocolate, but it’s also half nuts/raisins, and the kids don’t generally eat nuts/raisins otherwise. Also soft pants and deodorant and body wash. Today I ordered a bunch of stuff that was either out of stock or in very low supply when I went shopping on Sunday: granola and baking chocolate and pecans and brown sugar and rolled oats, and pizza sauce and soup and picante/salsa and pasta, and hand soap (they have the Mrs. Meyer’s lilac!) and facial tissue. A lot of these things are going in and out of stock rapidly (the lilac soap has been OH NO THEY DON’T HAVE IT and then OH THANK GOODNESS THEY HAVE IT and then OH NO IS IT REALLY SPRING WITHOUT LILAC SOAP) (I like the foaming Everspring lavender-bergamot and foaming J.R. Watkins lavender, too, even though lavender is no lilac), but I am tracking them like the fierce shopper-hunter I am, and it is SO GRATIFYING. And then the boxes arrive like magic! like good-fairy deliveries! like care packages from the grocery elves!

Oh! Oh! And I ordered ACETAMINOPHEN (aka Tylenol), which we don’t usually use, but then there were all those articles about how it was better than ibuprofen for Covid-19, and then there were all those response articles about how it wasn’t, and/or how it might be but that the sample was too small to make such big claims, and then there were articles saying here are the things you should have on hand and they included acetaminophen, and then there were first-person accounts that said “I had the corona virus and here is what I took” and the list included acetaminophen—but THERE WAS NO ACETAMINOPHEN TO BE FOUND THROUGHOUT THE LAND except for the extra-strength or sleep-aid versions, and then suddenly this morning the Target site had it, and with pounding heart (MAYBE IT WILL SELL OUT BEFORE I MAKE IT THROUGH THE CHECK-OUT PROCESS) I bought one.

I feel like everyone feeling sad about sports being canceled should try getting into online shopping.

I went grocery shopping today, experimenting with the “lunchtime on Sunday” timing. There was a long line to get in, but it moved almost comically fast: a whole bunch of shoppers left all at once, and the whole line just filed right in within a couple of minutes. I was alarmed to see fewer people wearing masks than the last time I went; I’d been expecting to see it at near-total mask usage by now. Because I’d seen the news and knew there were small nationwide protests about the social distancing and the shutdown of non-essential businesses, I wondered if what I was seeing was people Not Wearing Masks (as opposed to just not wearing masks), which made me feel unhappier than the last time I went shopping. Last time there was a “This is scary, but we’re all working together to keep us all safer!” feeling, but this time there was a “Some of us are trying our best to keep us all safer, but others of us are deliberately thwarting and sabotaging those efforts” feeling.

I saw quite a few people wearing N95 masks and I reminded myself that just as they don’t know I am shopping for seven people, I have NO IDEA why they’re wearing an N95. They could have found out they were exposed recently to someone confirmed to have Covid-19. They could be living with someone who has a confirmed or strongly-suspected case. They could be healthcare workers. They could have an immune disorder or some other medical situation, and also be very stressed right now because there were no delivery/pick-up slots available and so they had to go into the store. They could have one mask they used for something else long ago and hung onto it because maybe it would come in handy for something else some day, and it can’t be donated because it was used, and look it HAS come in handy! They could be wearing something that to my untrained eye LOOKS like an N95 but IS NOT. So many reasons for me to keep my eyes on my own work!

I also saw quite a few people shopping together, and I had a harder time thinking of good justifications for that, not that I am the Grocery Shopping Judge and/or Jury (PLEASE LET ME HAVE THAT JOB). I did think of one or two: maybe one member of the pair can’t be left home alone, or maybe one of them knows what groceries they need but can’t do any bending or gripping or lifting. There are probably other good reasons for it, too. Still, there were so MANY people shopping together and I would very much like it if as many people who COULD shop alone would shop alone. The grocery store is a scary place right now, and I am doing what I can to keep myself and other people safe, and then I am passed much too close by a mom and a teenager, neither of them wearing masks, casual and chatty and walking the wrong way down a one-way aisle, while on the other side of the aisle a mask-wearing woman’s non-mask-wearing male companion is bored and wandering around picking things up and reading the labels and being in the way, and CAN WE PERHAPS EXPEND A CERTAIN MINIMUM INDIVIDUAL EFFORT FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE GROUP.

Mine did not seem to be the only attitude that was slipping a little. One woman joined the line outside the store, sighing loudly and saying “Aw GEEZ.” The cheerful woman in front of her made a friendly remark about how the line was moving nice and fast, and the woman who had just joined us said that SHE had to WORK all week, and she would appreciate it if everyone who “didn’t have to work” could do their shopping during the week. Well. I mean. There is a lot to pick through there, if we felt like picking, which LET’S NOT, IT FEELS SO UNPLEASANT.

The woman in front of me in line was not wearing a mask, was rolling her eyes and sighing and shifting impatiently from foot to foot in a showy way, was much too close to people once we got into the store, was putting her cart in the middle of the aisle, and wasn’t paying attention to the One Way signs. I was going to use the word “ignoring” for how she was interacting with the One Way signs, but fortunately for the ongoing and badly-needed development of my character, I found myself at one point accidentally going the wrong way down an aisle. In my defense, it was a double-aisle with a lower shelf down the middle, and I started the correct direction up one side, then incorrectly assumed the other side was the other direction since everything else was back-and-forth like that. But, to hand some material over for my prosecution as well, another customer came up the aisle the other (and, as it turned out, correct) way, saw me and hastily backed away, and I thought to myself with exasperation, “Oh my god, people, one-way aisles, just LOOK at the SIGNS!” Then I got to the end of the aisle and saw the one-way sign, pointing at me. It took my potential judginess down a couple of pegs, I’ll say that. Mortification can be so immediately and intensely constructive.

I will end this on a more cheerful note by saying that the store had toilet paper for the first time in a month. They did not have a ton of choice, and it was all the small packages, and there was a limit of one package per customer—but it was heartening to see it.

It’s been one month and one day since our household started quarantine/isolation/stay-at-home. The buzz has worn off, as of approximately yesterday. Yesterday I thought it might just be a regular low/down day, but then this morning I woke up full-on discouraged and floppy. I listened to the news and heard that our president is still itching to “re-open the country” before we have anything near adequate testing or treatment. The gap between now and January is too wide, and already that narrowing gap was a very optimistic thing to be counting on. My mental imagery is of a plane going down: we can’t reach the runway in time, and it’s always been possible the runway wasn’t even there.

I heard that a lot of people got their stimulus checks yesterday; we haven’t been able to log into our account to see. When I say “we,” I mean Paul, who kept trying and trying until I suggested we maybe NOT do that, since we don’t need to know THIS VERY MINUTE and obviously the site is overloaded. We’re going to use our check to continue to pay our housecleaners not to come. That is, we were going to pay them anyway, but that is how we are mentally allocating it. Somewhere in the recesses of my flopping, exhausted, discouraged brain: “so lucky! you are so extremely lucky!” To have a bank where the check can be automatically deposited. To be able to wait to see if the check is there, because the need for it isn’t urgent. To be able to spend it without having to decide between rent and food and medical care. To be able to spend it on something optional.

Thinking about people who can’t buy groceries because they can’t find them AND CAN’T PAY FOR THEM is. Well. It is as terrible as always, multiplied by pandemic. We can all do what we can to help, but individual donations to charity don’t even come close to meeting the need, and it gets discouraging to be a bunch of individuals trying to pick up the slack of an ENTIRE GOVERNMENT. As a former Christian, it is even more maddening to know FULL WELL what Christianity specifically and extensively instructs Christians to do for the poor/sick/oppressed/refugee, and see a government claiming to be Christian but ignoring all of those instructions, and in fact actively making things much, much, much worse for the poor/sick/oppressed/refugee.

We have so little power, as individual citizens, despite all the pep talk about how we can change the world or whatever. I hope we can keep that in mind when we see things happening in other countries and wonder why the citizens “let” it happen. Bad people look for power, and they get it by whatever methods work for them, that is how this happens. We can try to make some little bits of good despite the bad, and that’s about it. I mean, let’s still do that, we should definitely still do that. But it’s discouraging to see how little we can do from the cabin to affect the falling airplane, or to change what’s going on in the cockpit.

(Alternate title for this post: “What If Just as an Experiment We Tried a Cockpit Without a Cock In it.”)

Your comments on the breakfast post put me in the mood for baked oatmeal. I have been having trouble sleeping (I know from Twitter/blogs/Facebook that I am not the only one), and when I woke up at 4:45 and couldn’t get back to sleep, I thought happily, “I’ll get up and make the baked oatmeal!” It is in the oven now.

You were all more interested than I’d expected in the topic of breakfast, so I will add that one of my OTHER favorite breakfasts, which I think I could eat every day for the rest of my life, is half of a toasted/buttered/salted bagel, plus two scrambled eggs. Something about that combination is almost magical.

It made me very happy to read how many of you appreciate a good Second Breakfast. I too appreciate Second Breakfast. One of the benefits of waking/getting up too early is there is plenty of time for Second Breakfast.

I had a down day yesterday, with a particularly down evening. I’m fretting about whether I should go back to work part-time at my mostly-closed library. I realize I am extremely lucky (on multiple levels) to have the ability (on multiple levels) to make this relatively low-stakes decision. Those of you with less choice, more stress, and more at stake may want to skim, or skip entirely: there’s nothing on any other topic for the rest of the post, so you won’t miss anything.

We are not in a high-exposure area and/or large city. The library is still doing curb-side service, which I could possibly opt out of participating in (and might not even be asked to participate in, since I am a re-shelver, and they might be thinking of curb-side as more of a checking-out job); the building is closed except to employees. There is a quarantine process for returned items: I don’t know exactly what it is because I’m not there, but it looks like things hang out on a cart down in a storeroom for a week, and then are sanitized. The number of employees in the library is kept very low (it looks like four or so), and everyone stays at least six feet away from each other. What I’ve been hearing/reading is that transmission of the virus on Touched (or even Coughed On) Items is not anywhere near the concern of transmission by particles actively being coughed/talked in your immediate Face Vicinity.

That seems to me like I could go back to work. And I would LIKE to go back to work, and I would enjoy being part of this experience with my co-workers. But with Edward’s immunosuppressant medication, I wonder if that’s being foolish. The library IS still handling materials that other people have touched and coughed on and licked their fingers to turn pages of, etc. And there is a lot we still don’t know for sure about the risks and transmission of this particular virus. And being around / talking to / sharing a bathroom with co-workers is still a not-insignificant increase in risk, even if we’re trying to be safe and stay away from each other.

One test I often use for decision making is “How would I feel explaining this decision later to a police officer / ER doctor / etc.?” There are plenty of things that seem like No Big Deal until you imagine explaining them that way to an expert or authority figure after the plan has gone awry. I’ve seen that framing used in things being shared on Facebook about Covid-19: basically, if you found out you’d had the virus for a week, and the doctor asked you to please make a list of everywhere you’d been and everyone you’d had contact with, how would you feel about that list? It’s not the kind of question I want someone else to ask me in a shaming, judgey way, but it’s the kind of question I like to ask MYSELF, as part of the figuring-out process.

And so it’s a question I’m asking myself while trying to decide about the work issue. If I went back to work, and then I became sick and then Edward became sick, and the doctor was trying to trace down how Edward got it—how would I feel about my decision to go back to work at my low-wage, low-importance job, where almost anyone could fill in for me?

If I think of that same question about the decision to get together with a friend, I immediately flinch: I’d feel terrible. I’d hate to have to admit it to the doctor, and I’d want to lie. I’d feel I’d made a stupid mistake for no good reason, and against specific and clear recommendations. But if I ask it about a decision to go to the grocery store, I don’t flinch: We needed food. I didn’t go excessively, I took precautions, it’s a very, very contagious virus and we were all going to be exposed to it eventually.

Work is somewhere in between, especially because it is a low-paying part-time job and we don’t HAVE-to-have-to have the income: if I lost the job involuntarily, we would not be desperate for me to replace it (though I would start looking). But obviously we would prefer to have the income, especially during uncertain times, and when it might not be safe/possible for the older boys to get the summer jobs they’d normally get to help pay for college.

It is also harder to decide because I would LIKE to go back, and so I worry I am looking for rationalizations/justifications rather than accurately assessing the situation. I am also worried I will let anxiety (“BUT WHAT IF???”) exaggerate a small normal reasonable risk.

Another issue is that I can’t tell from my boss (the director, who is personally calling each of us every two weeks to see how we want to proceed with our own work plans, and the next call is coming up soon which is why it’s on my mind) whether they even need me or not! They’re doing a brisk curbside service, but it’s still nothing like the usual level of circulation. They might be RELIEVED if I don’t want to come in, because they don’t want to have to find things for me to do. But my boss is also very kind and understanding, and she is careful to be accommodating and low-pressure, so she could be trying to make it easy for me by down-playing how inconvenient it is for me to be out. Well. This is a question I could ask my direct supervisor: I can picture emailing her and asking her to be frank with me, and I can picture her being frank with me. But FIRST I have to decide what I want to do: no sense getting her to say frankly that they’d like me to come back, and then saying, well too bad, I’m staying home.

Well. I’ve told Paul I want to talk it over sometime soon.