If you are still trying to think of a Valentine’s Day gift for your practical, likes-flowers-but-frets-over-the-serious-overpricing, loves-chocolate-but-prefers-to-get-it-at-50%-off-the-next-day sweetheart, may I suggest the gift of a warm butt?

Paul got me this LavaSeat (he wrote “To Hot Buns” on the gift tag, predictably) for Christmas, and I love it. It is the perfect thing for that kind of chilliness where you’re already wearing a sweater AND wool socks AND cozy slippers, but your body doesn’t seem to be generating enough heat for those things to WORK, so you’re just sitting there in your cold sweater and cold wool socks and cold slippers, feeling cold. When I feel that kind of chilliness creeping over me, I microwave the weird giant ice-pack-looking insert for two minutes while I load dishes into the dishwasher; then I flip the insert over and microwave it for another minute or two while I handwash the frying pans that are always soaking in the sink; then I return the insert to the pouch and go sit somewhere with it. It advertises itself as something you can sit on at your kid’s track meet or whatever, but I like to put it between my back and a chair. At first it feels like when you’re freezing and you get into a nice hot shower that’s a teeny bit too hot but you can’t make yourself turn it down, or when you sit just a little bit too close to a woodstove or fire; and then it gradually turns into something you don’t really notice but also you’re not as icy cold anymore. It stays warm usually long enough for me to feel like I can generate my own body heat again—but if I’m still cold, I can put it back in the microwave for a minute or two while I make a little snack.

While getting the photo for this post, I noticed it says you can refrigerate the insert instead. This seems like it would be nice for various aches and pains, though I have trouble remembering which aches and pains are supposed to be iced and which are supposed to be heated. Now I am wondering if this would be lovely in the summertime when I am dying of heat.

I meant to do a lot more gift-idea posts this year, but time got away from me. I did a lot of my own shopping last-minute, and now I have that frantic feeling of the final days just slipping down the drain, with most sites already no longer possible for Christmas delivery. I will at least post a jumbled assortment of some of the things I have recently ordered, just in case I am not the only one who seems to be about to drop the ball this year.

 

Set of three Fidget Jr. toys for William. I don’t know! I don’t know! He said he needed fidget things, and that they had to be quiet ones because of his roommates, and I didn’t know what to choose, and so I wasn’t going to choose anything, and then I was looking over his gifts and they were ALL practical (boots, meal-replacement powders, an educational book), so I panicked and spent $15 on this set of three little toys. The reviews were good, at least.

 

Two pounds of chocolate-covered espresso beans for Paul’s sister. Paul’s sister isn’t married, doesn’t have children, isn’t very social, and she and Paul have hardly any family left, so I am really careful when choosing her gifts: I try to do an assortment that could Make A Christmas (something cozy, something fun to do, something to read, some treats), in case they’re the only gifts she gets. I was going to put a regular-size package of chocolate-covered coffee beans in the box we sent, but I couldn’t find them at the store where I got them last time, and I thought that was fine and we just wouldn’t do those this year, but I KNOW she loves them, and so I panicked and ordered two pounds of them shipped directly to her. Also these slippers from her wish list.

 

Word-a-Day calendar for Rob. I picked up Rob from college and we were driving home and he mentioned casually that a word-a-day calendar would be a good gift idea for him. He is IMPOSSIBLE to buy for, and also his birthday is close to Christmas so all the year’s impossibleness is clumped together, so although I didn’t order the calendar while actually still driving the car, I did order it within fifteen minutes of arriving home.

 

Pretty Ticonderoga pencils for kids’ stockings. This is the brand I always buy, but I hadn’t seen these pretty ones before. Target had four packages of them and I needed five, so I ordered a fifth along with the word-a-day calendar.

 

Working Hands hand cream for Paul. Paul was using some of my hand lotion and he said wistfully “I like that round tin you got for my stocking last year, but I have that at work.” I couldn’t remember if I bought that at Target or at Home Depot, and I wasn’t sure I was going to get to the store before I needed it, so I ordered it. I impulse-added the matching manly lip balm.

 

Dungeons & Dragons Spellbook Cards for Henry. I thought I’d already ordered them!! I’d added them to my “gifts purchased” list!! Then I saw them in my cart, way down the list in items saved for later!! I double-checked to make sure it wasn’t something I’d re-added to the cart instead of taking them out of saved-for-later, but no!!

 

DreamSky radio alarm clock for Edward. Edward has had “radio alarm clock” on his list for like three years now, ever since his old one broke (via top-bunk plummet), and I keep dithering and not finding any with familiar brands and not wanting to risk it, and this year I was like “THE CHILD WANTS A RADIO ALARM CLOCK, THAT IS SUCH A PITIFULLY REASONABLE AND PRACTICAL REQUEST, GET THE CHILD A RADIO ALARM CLOCK,” so I bought this one. The reviews are pretty okay. We’ll see.

 

Mpow wireless Bluetooth earbuds for William and Elizabeth. They both wanted some wireless Bluetooth earbuds, and that is sooooooo boring to choose and there are sooooooo many choices and I have no idea what’s best, and finally I just chose some that were the same brand as the extremely successful over-the-ear kind that Paul and Rob and Edward all use and love, and we will just hope for the best.

 

404 Not Found coloring book for Henry. He’s had this on his wish list since his birthday, but I once saw it as low as $8-something so I kept waiting for it to go back down, and finally a couple of days ago I thought “SAVING TWO DOLLARS IS NOT WORTH SIX MONTHS OF MONITORING” and ordered it.

 

Cat wizard t-shirt for Henry. Pretty much all of Henry’s Christmas gifts were last-minute this year; I just had a particularly hard time deciding on what to get him. I needed a clothing gift for him, and nothing seemed right, but then I saw this shirt and ordered it so fast. He is very into wizard-type stuff and also cat-type stuff, and we have a fair number of shirts by The Mountain so I know they’re nice and cottony.

 

How To by Randall Monroe for everybody. This is another item I thought I’d already ordered, then found it still in my cart. I do not know what my problem is this year.

 

Dungeon Mayhem game, for a gift-swap party. Henry was invited to a somewhat impromptu party for 7th grade boys who like D&D, and there will be a gift-swap, and this is what he chose to bring.

 

20-pack scrunchies, for Elizabeth. Love of scrunchies continues in her age group; she wears one or more from this pack of velvet scrunchies every day (in her hair, on her wrist, littering the entire house). I saw these and considered them, but the fabric looked a little iffy—kind of slippery/dressy rather than what I thought she might like. Then she and I were in Claire’s yesterday shopping for her friends’ gifts, and she saw scrunchies JUST LIKE THESE and said she loved them and that she liked the fabric, so I went home and ordered them. I’m also writing “$25 Claire’s shopping trip” on an index card; I was going to buy a gift card, but Claire’s wanted $6.95 to ship it to me, and this way we don’t end up permanently carrying around a Claire’s gift card with, like, $1.27 left on it.

 

Wee rolling pin, for Paul. He was making pizza and said with some exasperation that what he really needed was a small handleless rolling pin for getting the crust how he wanted it. I made a bored, not-really-listening sound, and then scooted sneakily into the other room and ordered this.

 

Garnier rose facial mist, for the cleaners. I primarily gave them cash, because I have read enough articles now on that sort of topic, but at the last second I wanted something slightly more festive and fun than a couple of envelopes, so I added a rosewater mist and a bar of nice chocolate each, and it did look much more festive and fun.

 

(Also, I cannot proof-read this because my family all came home while I was writing it, and they keep walking into the room as if they’re doing it on purpose to mess with me. So if any links don’t work or pictures aren’t right, I will fix it later!)

All year I have meant to tell you about this blender:

Ninja Professional Countertop Blender. It was with huge regret that I let go of my old blender, a Braun with a glass pitcher that was with me through two decades of pregnancy smoothies and baby food and frozen coffees. I’d replaced the little thingie on the bottom when the plastic part finally gave way, but then it finally gave way a second time and the replacement part was no longer available. I resentfully put “blender” on my wish list, and my parents bought me this one for Christmas last year, and it was an adjustment but now I love it.

The main thing I love about it is that it comes with two travel cups that fit with their own attachment to the blender base. I don’t know what my problem is with “getting the whole blender dirty for just one smoothie” or whatever, but it’s a hurdle I couldn’t get over, and these cups remove that hurdle. All summer, nearly every single day I made myself a frozen coffee drink. And if Paul wanted one too, he used the other cup. It is wonderful. It does a great job pulverizing ice for slushy cold drinks. I recommend it.

While we’re discussing sentimental kitchen appliances, I will say a thing or two about my new coffee maker:

Cuisinart 14-cup Programmable Coffeemaker. I bought this in January after the sudden demise of my old coffee maker, and I love it. I like that the coffee filter and coffee go in under a top-lifting lid. I like that the burner will stay on for up to 4 hours, and you can pick how long (I chose 2 hours). I like that the coffee is nice and hot. I like that the carafe is clear. I like that I can program it to be ready when I come downstairs in the morning. I like that I can switch off the option of a beep that tells me the coffee is ready. I’ve just been really happy with it overall.

 

This is on one hand ridiculous and on the other hand it works great, which makes it a good gift idea for someone who likes kitchen toys:

Partu Sous Vide cooker. (Sous vide is pronounced like the woman’s nickname Sue, followed by the first syllable of vida in Living the Vida Loca, with slightly more emphasis on VEED than on soo. Soo-VEED.) Combine with a sous vide container (we started with the 7 quart, which I’d say is about the right size for a normal household, but now Paul would kind of like a bigger one) and, if the gift budget will stretch, sous vide weights.

Paul ordered one of these after seeing it on a cooking show, and I was so eye-rolly and grossed out about the whole thing. It seemed like a way to take something simple (baking a piece of meat) and make it super complicated; plus, it means cooking meat in a clear bin on the counter, which is gross. But I have been completely won over. I have cooked pork chops or chicken breasts in foil, in water, in literally in half an inch of oil to try to keep them from drying out in the oven, and the sous vide is SO MUCH BETTER than any other method I’ve tried. It is WEIRD, yes, but it makes VERY GOOD MEAT. I notice the difference particularly with drier meats such as pork chops and chicken breasts, but it also makes nice tender steak, even if you use a cheaper cut. You can also make YOGURT in it.

Also: Paul is a happy-go-lucky sort of person, and I don’t trust happy-go-lucky people to have enough anxiety to care about food safety, and the sous vide means that when he sets it for the Safe Meat Temperature, it always achieves the Safe Meat Temperature. I can look suspiciously at my piece of chicken, but then I remember that the sous vide cooked it, and I do trust the sous vide.

 

Hot Sauce Advent Calendar. It’s too early to put this in a post of tried-and-approved purchases, because it is not yet December so Paul has not yet tried a single hot sauce. Maybe they’re terrible! Who knows! But he was SO PLEASED to get it. I bought it impulsively and had it shipped addressed to him, so he opened it thinking it was something he’d ordered and was completely mystified, and then he spent like half an hour looking at it and being pleased with it, and he’s mentioned half a dozen time since then how much he’s looking forward to December 1st, so it’s already been well worth it. Another picture on the listing shows how cute it is when you open it up, with little numbered cardboard drawers to pull out:

I’m planning to have him save the structure so I can re-use it to make another calendar for him for next year with assorted things in it—maybe some hot sauces, some chocolates, some little bottles of booze, etc.

 

My Amazon account tells me I have purchased this same fan five times and I am not surprised:

Honeywell HT-900 Fan. I like to have a fan on me at night all summer, and this one is large enough to work from where it sits on a bureau across the room, but small enough (and with adjustable angle) so that I can direct it just on me and not on Paul, since Paul does NOT like to have a fan on him at night. It’s small enough to bring with me to a hotel, large enough to be worth bringing. The first one I bought has lasted me for YEARS, so I bought a second one for downstairs, then one for each of my older kids when they went to college, then one more as a back-up in case one of my fans ever breaks, so that I don’t have to go a single day without one.

 

40-piece scrunchies. Elizabeth bought these with her own money and I was just CRINGING because I KNEW they would be disappointing: when Claire’s sells scrunchies for $4.99 each, you just CANNOT expect to get FORTY good scrunchies for under $10.00! You just can’t! I warned her! But they came, and they are great. There was one issue, which is mentioned in a lot of the reviews, which is that you don’t necessarily get the exact assortment of colors shown in the picture—so if you wanted one specific color shown, you might be disappointed. But Elizabeth wanted “an assortment” and didn’t care about the particular shades of colors, so she was really happy.

 

Vintage Rainbow Shirt. I love this shirt. It’s so soft and comfy and cute. I normally wear a women’s XL Tall in Old Navy sizes, for comparison, and I ordered this in a women’s XL and it is the right size—a little bit snugger than Old Navy XL Tall but the right fit for me (I have another shirt in this same brand in XXL, and it’s a little roomier than I’d like).

 

These ridiculous little rainbow flower spoons. They’re too small to be sensible, but I love them so much every time I see them in the drawer, and every time I want to spoon sugar into coffee, and every time I use one to stir Edward’s powdered medicine into his little juice cup. They’re just so pretty and cute and charming. You could buy a set and put a couple into each of several stockings, keeping your two favorites for yourself.

Perhaps you know some Swistley people. Perhaps you ARE a Swistley people. If so, perhaps there are some ideas from my own wish list that would work as ideas for people you know or for your own wish list.

 

Going Into Town: A Love Letter to New York, by Roz Chast.

50 Postcards for All Occasions, by Roz Chast. I love everything Roz Chast does.

 

Kikkerland toucan kitchen shears. (I have a similar toucan can-opener and bird vegetable-peeler. Those are great and have worked well for years now, but they’re a different brand.)

 

French Bull graphic mini bowls. I have these in floral and I love them so much and they’re the perfect size and I use them constantly. I like the floral ones better but I don’t want a second set of the same bowls so I have the graphic ones on my list. (If you are buying a first set for a Swistley person, I recommend the floral ones instead.)

 

Euro Graphics 1000-piece tea cups jigsaw puzzle. I would normally consider my maximum preferred puzzle size to be 500 pieces, but I have worked on two of these Euro Graphics puzzles (cupcakes and doughnuts), and they are very cleverly designed to be much easier than you’d expect for a 1000-piece puzzle: the background color gives you hints, and the pictured items are a nice helpful assortment of colors/textures, so that it’s easy to find the pieces and it’s more like a bunch of smaller puzzles. I should warn you: in ONE of the puzzles I bought previously, there were a couple of pieces that had not been well-cut, so that they were still attached and I had to cut them apart in an unsatisfactory way—and when I looked at reviews, I saw similar complaints. I liked the puzzle so much that I forgave it. But barely. Like, it seems like that is sort of the minimum requirement of a puzzle, that the pieces be separate.

 

Olive, Again, by Elizabeth Strout. I had this on my list because Olive Kitteridge is one of my favorite books I’ve ever read, and this is the sequel. But I took it off my list again for two reasons: (1) What if it’s disappointing, after how much I loved the first one? and (2) It’s been made an Oprah’s Book Club selection, and I believe I have disliked every single Oprah’s Book Club selection I’ve tried, because it seems like they are ALWAYS miserable suffery torment books of agony abuse sorrow.

 

Nicole Miller Rainbow Olive suitcase. It’s understandable if when you think of me, you think of a sort of muted off-blue color. But my actual favorite colors are green and pink. (I do also like blue.)

 

 

TeeHee women’s no-show cotton socks in multi-pattern. My mom and Elizabeth both really like this brand’s crew socks, and I could use some cuter short socks for summer, so I added these to my list to try.

 

John Mulaney, The Comeback Kid. I love him. I love him.

 

Library stamp t-shirt.

 

Library card check-out t-shirt.

 

Sesame Street t-shirt.

 

Everyone long-sleeved t-shirt. I have the short-sleeved version in light blue and I love it, and now it’s fall/winter and I’m chilly.

 

Kikkerland retro alarm clock. It comes in other colors if green isn’t your thing.

 

Chrissy Teigan pan set. I want this set for two reasons: (1) color and (2) love of Chrissy Teigan.

 

Like just a whole bunch of stuff from EmilyMcDowell.com. The patriarchy tote. The patriarchy magnet. The patriarchy sticker. The feminist postcard book.

 

More acrylic hoop earrings. Elizabeth and I bought this set (she wears the largest hoops, I wear the medium ones, and so far neither of us wear the smallest ones) and they have quickly jumped to the top of my earring pyramid and I wear them at least several times a week. They’re so light I don’t even feel them, and I love the way they look especially with solid-colored shirts that might otherwise feel a little boring, or with polo shirts where I want to tone down the preppiness.

 

Dapper Animal salad plates. DAPPER. ANIMALS.

For my first gift-ideas post of the 2019 season, I have an utter hodge-podge of items I put into my cart thinking “Ooo! This would make a good gift idea for someone!”

Tulip tea infuser. Combined with a clear mug and some loose tea, this would be such a charming gift.

 

Tortilla throw blanket. I’m imagining how cute it would be to see someone all rolled up in this. (There are also waffle and pizza versions, also good but less cute for rolling.)

 

Popsicle puzzle. I like puzzles. I value puzzles that allow me to dibs a certain area of the puzzle and collect all those pieces.

 

Gingerbread couple earrings.

 

Giraffe stir sticks.

 

Agate serving plates. These have been coming in and out of availability.

 

Mushroom salt-and-pepper shakers.

 

Midnight Chicken and Other Recipes Worth Living For.

 

Five-piece tiara set. My peeps and I have many Downton Abbey events to attend.

 

Inspirational pens. I’m not saying these aren’t overpriced. Clearly they are. And yet I have someone on my gift list these are perfect for.

 

One Line a Day diary. I started one of these once, but did not succeed in continuing. The idea still appeals.

 

Juicy Grape asymmetrical earrings. I MEAN!!

 

Spaghetti Monster colander. The questions and answers on the item listing!

 

Submersible multicolored remote-controlled LED lights. Whenever my first thought is “But why tho” and my second thought is “WHO CARES I WANT THEM,” I add the item to this post.

One of the many things I do at my new library job is put the plastic protective covers on new books. I like to read the book flaps as I’m covering, and that’s how I found this book:

The Future of Another Timeline, by Annalee Newitz.

Assuming our own future turns out reasonable, which I do not assume, I think it won’t be long before this book is part of a college literature class on books written as a result of the 2016 election and all the accompanying madness. I felt similarly when reading The Power, by Naomi Alderman. Fiction gives us an interesting way to look back at what the issues of the time were, and the fears, and the hopes, and the revenge fantasies.

This is a time-travel book. One group of travelers, The Daughters of Harriet, is attempting to prevent an outcome in the future of their own timeline, where women don’t have the right to vote and are powerless non-citizens used only for breeding and service. Another group of travelers, called Comstockers, are working on preserving that future and also breaking the time-travel devices so that their edits to history can never be undone. It’s a suspenseful race.

I found the sections about the time-travel machines and how they worked to be dull, but I know there are other people who love that stuff. I skimmed those sections, and skipped to the more riveting flashbacks of the story of teenagers Lizzy, Heather, Soonjin, and Beth, and their connection to our current-time grown-woman protagonist Tess.

The underlying message of the book is that no one person can change history; only vast group efforts can change our timeline. It’s not subtle, and it’s invigorating. To use the cliche, it’s a parable for our times. Also, there are some similarly invigorating revenge scenes where terrible men get what’s coming to them.

I’m adding this book to my list of Gift Ideas for Pissed-Off Progressive Women.