Hi there
My brother passed from cancer 5 years ago. It devastated my family as he was the youngest of 16 children. He was a wonderful fun loving dad, brother, son and friend. I was so happy and recite to hear that his only son and wife are expecting a boy. Though my happiness was diminished when I heard they are not including any of my brother’s names in their son’s name.
I am shocked and deeply saddened and I know my other 14 siblings will as well. Seems they have chosen a first name which is not related to anyone in our families, and his wife’s brothers name will be the baby’s middle name. AITA to assume that they would honour my brother by including his name, and to feel this is dishonouring my brother’s memory for excluding him.

Aunt anonymous

I am so sorry about your baby brother; what a terrible loss.

I don’t know the dynamics of your particular family. Perhaps your nephew has a long history of using symbolic behavior to hurt and exclude members of his family. Perhaps you know him to be someone who would want to dishonor his father’s memory, and as someone who would want to do that in a way that would shock and hurt his aunts and uncles. In that case, it may very well be that he is using his child’s name as a way to dishonor his late father’s memory, and as a way to hurt you and your siblings, and as a way to symbolically exclude his late father and the entire rest of his family from this baby’s arrival.

Is that a theory that rings painfully true for you in your heart, given what you know of your nephew and his relationship to his family and father? Or did you find yourself bristling at this portrayal of your nephew, because it’s so utterly unlike him? My guess is he doesn’t have a long history of trying to hurt you, or of trying to dishonor his father’s memory, or of trying to symbolically reject his father and his entire family. My guess is that he’s a good boy and you love him, and that he misses and grieves for his father and was devastated by the loss of him, and that he wishes nothing more than that his father could be there to see his first grandchild. My guess is that this is a very simple matter of him not seeing the choice of his baby’s name at all the same way you do.

It is in no way wrong for your brother’s son and daughter-in-law to name their baby without using that baby’s name as one of the ways they honor and remember your brother; it does not have to mean anything negative about how they feel about your brother, or about how they honor your brother overall, or about how they remember your brother. It is in no way wrong for them to choose a first name that doesn’t honor anyone from either side of the family; it is in no way wrong for them to use a middle name that honors someone from the mother’s family; it is in no way wrong for them to use your niece-in-law’s family surname (or whatever surname they used) instead of your brother’s/family’s surname.

Using someone’s name is an honor, but NOT-using a name does not mean ANTI-honoring: a baby’s name is not a slap in the face to every single person the baby is NOT named after, and thank goodness for that. I’m not saying a non-naming CAN’T be used as a slap, because it certainly can be, but it’s not automatic: the intention has to be there. I can imagine many, many reasons they might have for thinking it best not to use your brother’s name, especially when his death was and is such a devastating event in your family’s history. It could be that they think they are sparing you pain; it could be they are sparing themselves pain; it could be they don’t want to saddle a baby with such an important and emotional family name so soon after the loss of your brother; it could be that they wish to honor your brother by saving that name for their memories of him; it could be that they’d prefer to use the name for a non-firstborn; it could be that your nephew’s wife also has a recently-lost beloved family member, and your nephew/niece-in-law felt that using either name first would hurt the other side of the family, so they decided to use neither. Or of course it could be that the name is by coincidence the name of your nephew’s wife’s serious ex-boyfriend who continues to send her inappropriate emails about his enduring feelings, or that they just don’t like the name, or that in general they are of the “everyone should have their own name” philosophy and don’t want to use any honor names as first names. It could be any number of reasons, but I think it’s unlikely that the reason they didn’t use your brother’s name is that they wish to hurt you and your 14 other siblings, and to dishonor the memory of your brother, and to symbolically exclude your brother somehow.

Perhaps you know to calculate that likeliness differently, based on your own experience of your nephew. But if not, then my vote is that you are solidly in the wrong—that you made a strong assumption that turned out to be incompatible with reality and are now reeling a little from the shock of THAT, rather than from any act of hurtfulness/dishonor. Once you have given yourself some time to adjust, I think you should put SIGNIFICANT effort and energy into not allowing that mistaken assumption to continue to diminish the happiness you would otherwise feel at the arrival of this new family member, this baby descendant of your baby brother, this sweet new little life in the family.

Hi Swistle –

You have helped some friends, and I am hopeful to hear from you!

We have a baby girl coming this May (May 18th to be exact via csection), and will be joining big brother Griffin Shay (my maiden name) Hoefer and sister Stella Grace Hoefer.

We have a list of names, but nothing seems to be sticking just yet.

Top Contenders:

Lane/ Laney/ Lanie
Zoe
Mary Jane (my husbands fave but I don’t like the nickname MJ)
Harper
Georgie
Layla __ but I like the pronunciation (Lie-La) so I am not sure how to spell that…

Middle names, Mary and Mae are both family name options and a random one I like is Louise.

Thank you!!

Megan & Stephen

[Note to commenters: I clarified pronunciation of the surname and it’s HOE- like garden hoe, -fer like the end of Jennifer.]

I wouldn’t have thought to use the nickname MJ for Mary Jane, though as soon as you mentioned it I could see how easily it might happen. And of course she could decide to use the nickname herself as she gets older, so you’re wise to take it into account. On the other hand, we have had so many stories here of people who disliked a nickname, and then on their own dear child the nickname just FIT and they wondered why they ever disliked it, so that’s something to keep in mind as well.

Harper Hoefer feels like A Lot of alliteration, with the repeating H- and the repeating -er. Zoe Hoefer is less of an issue, but I do notice the sound of the Zo/Hoe repetition, and visually I notice the Zoe/Hoe repetition; those don’t seem like dealbreakers, just things to think about ahead of time.

If you like the pronunciation Lie-la, I would spell it Lila or Lilah; the usage of the two spellings is close to equal in the United States right now, according to the Social Security Administration: in 2021 (the 2022 information is expected out in May), there were 1,329 new baby girls named Lila and 1,242 named Lilah. My own preference is Lila. The name Lila/Lilah repeats the -la ending of Stella, and Stella/Lila have a lot of Ls between them; this could be a plus or a minus.

Georgie is a nickname name, and the other kids don’t have nickname names, so my own inclination would be to name her Georgia (or Georgianna, Georgina, etc.), and then call her Georgie. Griffin, Stella, and Georgia. Laney/Lainey is nicknamey, but doesn’t catch my attention to the same extent.

I don’t want to cause the kind of trouble I am normally trying to talk parents out of caring about, but I notice your first two kids are G.S. and S.G., and they both have doubled letters in their first names, and they both have one-syllable middle names with a long-A sound. (This blog may have broken me.) How many more children would you like to have, is I guess my question. If this is your final child, it might be fun to go for one more of the same/similar; if you’re thinking of having another after this one, I would break all emerging patterns right now and on purpose. Georgia Mae would be a great sort of in-between: a G-name and a long-A one-syllable family middle—but not going overboard with a doubled letter and an S- middle name (though you could use Sage OKAY I’LL STOP NOW).

Let’s look for some more options! Griffin, Stella, and:

Louise! I pulled this from your middle name list. I think it sounds great in this sibling group: all three names familiar but a little unexpected, and a great assortment of sounds. Louise Hoefer; Louise Mary Hoefer; Griffin, Stella, and Louise.

Violet! Similar in sound to Lila! Violet Hoefer; Violet Louise Hoefer; Griffin, Stella, and Violet. Cute nickname Lettie if you want it.

Lydia! I think this came to mind because of Lila, and also because my second suggestion was going to be Claudia, but then I wondered if “Claudia Hoefer” brings Claudia Schiffer to mind. Lydia Hoefer; Lydia Mae Hoefer; Griffin, Stella, and Lydia.

Nadia! Another because of Claudia. Nadia Hoefer; Nadia Mae Hoefer; Griffin, Stella, and Nadia.

Fiona! Bianca! These come to mind because of Stella and Lydia: they all live in the same folder of my mental filing cabinet. Fiona Hoefer (is that repeating long-O a bit much?); Fiona Mae Hoefer; Griffin, Stella, and Fiona. Bianca Hoefer; Bianca Mary Hoefer; Griffin, Stella, and Bianca.

Simone! Because of Fiona. Possibly another one where the repeating long-O is a bit much. Simone Hoefer; Simone Mary Hoefer; Griffin, Stella, and Simone.

Ivy! One of my own favorites. Ivy Hoefer; Ivy Louise Hoefer; Griffin, Stella, and Ivy.

Sabrina! Sabrina Hoefer; Sabrina Mae Hoefer; Griffin, Stella, and Sabrina.

Emmeline! This is if you might wish to have a little fun with the doubled letters; it also lets the girls call themselves Ella and Emma if that appeals. Emmeline Hoefer; Emmeline Mary Hoefer; Griffin, Stella, and Emmeline.

Linnea! Another double-letter name, just for fun and because I love it with this sibling group. I went to school with a Linnea and I have never gotten tired of her name (there may be more than one pronunciation; hers was lynn-NAY-ah). Linnea Hoefer; Linnea Mary Hoefer; Griffin, Stella, and Linnea. Cute nickname Linnie, similar to Lanie from your list.

Carys! This kept coming to my mind, for reasons unknown. I thought of it, thought “Oh, I don’t know, that doesn’t necessarily seem like it would go on this list of suggestions,” and then I was typing along and it came to my mind again, popping up like a fresh idea. This happened four times, so I’m adding it. Carys Hoefer; Carys Mae Hoefer; Griffin, Stella, and Carys.

Clara! Clara Hoefer; Clara Louise Hoefer; Griffin, Stella, and Clara.

Florence! A relatively recent addition to my own favorites list. Florence Hoefer; Florence Mae Hoefer; Griffin, Stella, and Florence.

Hi Swistle,

I was wondering if we could have a discussion about names from pop culture that we love or loathe?

Mine “loathe” is Harper, from the show The White Lotus. No opinion on the name itself, but the character Harper is ~ 40 years old. The name doesn’t appear on the Social Security database until 2004. I’m annoyed that the writers took a top 10 name that’s in the zeitgeist and slapped on a character that is old enough to have a *newborn* Harper.

My “love” comes from the Upside Down Magic books that I’m currently listening to with my daughter. Names such as Anemone and Fuchsia are particular pleasing when they hit my ear.

I would love to hear the list from you and others!

Marissa

I wanted to try to think of more examples from my own experience before posting this, but I can’t wait, I NEED to hear other people’s answers. I will add more of my own if I think of more. I KNOW I had something that was similar to the Anemone/Fuchsia example, but I cannot think of it.

I had a strongly negative reaction to a book I tried reading quite a long time ago—20 years? more? it all runs together at this point. But there was a grown woman, like FORTY OR FIFTY YEARS OLD grown woman, named Madison. And it was written in present-day-at-that-time. So it was impossible: you can tell what year the movie Splash came out by searching the Social Security Administration Beyond the Top 1000 data base for the name Madison: the movie and the name for girls both happened in 1984. The author probably thought of it as a pleasingly businesslike name with a pleasingly presidential association. But it didn’t work in the early 2000s (or whatever it was) on a woman in her 40s. (It couldn’t even work NOW on a woman in her 40s, but we’re getting there.)

I work in a library and have seen so many plot synopses on book covers where I thought “Yes, those are clearly names from your baby-name lists.” Can I think of any actual examples at the exact moment such examples would be both relevant and interesting? No I cannot.

For awhile I felt as if EVERY FEMALE PROTAGONIST IN A NOVEL was named Kate. Just, ALL of them.

I encountered the names Penelope and Genevieve in books, and thought “OH!!!” and added them to my own list. It was just as those names were coming into style, but I hadn’t realized it yet.

I am pretty sure I first fell in love with the names Cordelia and Winifred while watching the TV show Angel.

And of course I, like everyone else my age, fell for the “long feminine names with short boyish nicknames” trend after watching shows such as Who’s the Boss? and Sisters.

[Edited to add:] Back to say that I have just started reading a book that features the friendship of two women born in 1973 and named…Rose and Charlotte. Those names are not at all impossible for 1973: there were over a thousand of each born that year. And if they were sisters, I would assume their parents had old-fashioned tastes, and/or that they used family names. But, for comparison, there were 62,447 Jennifers born that year, and over 26,900 each of Amys and Michelles. The odds of a 1973 Rose and a 1973 Charlotte meeting as adults, becoming friends, bonding over all their many shared experiences, and NOT bonding over how weird it is that they were both given terrible old-lady names they hated as children and now are amazed to hear on babies EVERYWHERE are too tiny to allow for the suspension of disblief. I’m only partway through the book, though; perhaps they will do this soon.

Well, okay, we did girl names, it seems fair to also do boy names. Same rules: see if you can access your subconscious mind and let a boy name (or names) APPEAR in your mind, rather than for example mentioning the carefully crafted name you already know is at the top of your list. If a name appears and it’s a name you dislike, you can try again, because brains can be strange. If a name appears and it’s a name you like but it wouldn’t be your first choice, or it wouldn’t work with sibling names or your surname or with what the other parent would like, don’t worry about any of those AT ALL, because this is just a game and we are not actually choosing these names, merely playing around.

Quite awhile ago now, I had a similar dream in which I was suddenly naming a boy, and in that dream I chose Oliver Frederick, and I’ve thought of that dream often enough over the years that I have significantly skewed my own playing of this game! So in my case I thought, okay, NOT Oliver Frederick, NOW which boy name SPRINGS TO MY MIND, and I immediately thought George. Which is a little bit funny, because one reason we didn’t use the name Oliver is that we’d had a cat named Oliver, and we also had a cat named George. (I LEARNED MY LESSON with those two cats: the names that seem too whimsical for a real baby and therefore perfect for a pet are often the names that will NOT seem too whimsical about a decade later, and then there will be Regret.)

I definitely do have George on my boy-name list; I don’t know where I’d rank it in terms of how likely we’d be to use it, but…medium-likely, I’d say. I think for sure it would be one of the half-dozen finalists.

I dreamed last night that I had a baby unexpectedly, didn’t-know-I-was-pregnant style, and it was a girl, and of course I hadn’t had my usual eight months or so of thinking about baby names. And, as is the way dreams go, I couldn’t find a baby name book, and I couldn’t gather my thoughts properly, and I kept getting distracted by other things.

BUT, in the dream, the first name that came to my mind was Josephine. Then, as I scrambled to think of more options, I came up with Rose and then Genevieve. Those are all actual names from my actual baby-girl-name lists, but not necessarily in order of which names I would actually use on an actual baby girl, so I was interested to see which names my dream-brain accessed first.

What I am wondering is: If you had a baby girl to name, right now, unexpectedly, what names spring FIRST to your mind (and/or after a very short delay, as in my dream)? You’ll have to play this game FAST to avoid contaminating the results, but you can ignore names that spring to your mind if they’re names you dislike.

(If you are in any way similar to me temperament-wise, you will need to be reassured: this is only a game; the names don’t actually have to work with your surname or with sibling names or with what the other parent would want; none of this is in any way binding; the point of this game is to see which of the names you like come first to your mind.)

Hi Swistle,

Hoping you and your readers can give some input on naming our baby boy due in early May.

Some background – we already have a girl, named Eloise. We both love her name and knew we would use Eloise before we even knew she was a girl.

I am now almost 25 weeks and both my husband and I aren’t sold on anything. Naming boys feels so much harder. For context, our last name is pronounced like Lucas, just spelled differently. Here are our contenders and my thoughts around each.

Charles nn Charlie – I think Charlie is adorable and we both like this name enough. We would be perfectly happy with this and when our 2 year old says Charlie it’s really adorable. However, it feels so popular, and I especially worry that all the girl Charlie’s (from Charlotte) increase that popularity even more. Will he be `1 of multiple in his class? The class below my daughter in daycare has 2 Charlie’s (both boys) out of a class of 8! It’s a great name, but it just gives me pause. However, I think of the 3 names I’m proposing, Charlie goes best with Eloise.

Miles – we both like this name, and I like how it’s classic but a bit less common than Charlie – has a touch of a twist, I suppose, for a “common” name. Though it also seems to be rising in popularity and for some reason I get a 2010 vibe from it, perhaps because in 2010 I babysat a Miles, so it could just be my own bias here. I think the name is adorable though and we’d both be good with this one too.

Here’s the curveball. I have the idea in my head to use my maiden name…Collins. I know Collins is mostly used on girls but it sounds so masculine to me. I think it would be a cool, solid name for a boy. However, it’s a surname, and his last name sounds like a first name so when said together — “Collins Lucas” it sounds like you’re saying it backwards.

My solution here is to give my husband what he REALLY wants and to give him my husband’s first name Peter, so Peter Collins Lucas – but call him Collins. I do not want two Peters in the house since my husband goes by both Peter and Pete – there is no other good nick name and it would just be confusing for me. But, I could get on board with a Peter if he goes by his middle name, my maiden name. My husband isn’t quite sold on Collins but I like the unexpectedness that it brings, a bit like hearing Eloise, I suppose. But I also can’t say I’m 100% sold either. Will this kid be dealing with so many complications (going by his middle name, having a name more commonly used for a girl, etc)? When I ask people about Collins it seems kind of hit or miss, somewhat polarizing (but maybe I am too worried about what others think!). Also, I’m not sure I love it with Eloise?

Would love to hear your thoughts! What would you do in this situation? The good news is I like all 3 names, I am just not sure which is the winner.

Thanks!
L

I do think that the name Collins Lucas will occasionally be thought to be swapped; I don’t think it will be a big deal—and especially if Lucas is spelled a less-common-for-first-names way. I think it’ll be a “make the occasional easy correction and move on” level of hassle, rather than anything daily/constant. I LOVE when it works out for one parent’s family surname to be used as a child’s first name in a family where everyone has taken the other parent’s family surname, so Collins is my own first choice. (The option of using your husband’s first name as well as your husband’s last name, for a resulting name that has not only LESS family balance but also MORE potential for confusion and hassle, is not appealing.)

I also love both Charles and Miles; both were on my own list, along with Milo. I know what you mean about the 2010 feel of Miles/Milo (for me it’s more of a 2000 feel)—but I don’t feel it the same way as I do when a name feels dated or time-stamped; I think it’s more a marker of when the name got our attention. It felt like it came rather SUDDENLY into use, and that can get burned into our memories, especially when we LIKE the name. I have something similar with the name Henry: Henry is a timeless recurring classic and I wouldn’t call it dated or time-stamped—but on the other hand, I remember exactly when I started liking it on its most recent trip into popularity, and it was in the late 1990s, when it was the name of Tom Selleck’s grandchild on Friends. Yet it was still on my list in 2007 when we named Henry, and I would still use it now.

Yes, I think if you use Charles/Charlie, he will occasionally be Charlie L. I also think this is the kind of thing parents have been conditioned to think is really bad, when it’s not that big a deal. I have mentioned here before that my secondborn was one of three Williams in his preschool class, and then he kept encountering those same two Williams throughout his school experience, though they only had one year of all being in the same classroom again. They all still call each other by their Will Initial names, and they find it fun. On the other hand, it’s true that if you were considering any name with the nickname Maddie, I would probably tell a different story: there are so many Maddies in our school system that we even have multiples of, say, Maddie T. and Maddie Rose, and one of the Maddies has started going by her surname because she couldn’t find any other distinguishing option. So it really does depend on your own particular local area, and on your own tolerance for occasional name duplication. And I think you’re wise to consider it ahead of time, and to include the impact of Charlotte-Charlies. But I don’t think “might have another Charlie in the classroom sometimes” is reason to rule out a name; and my guess is that there are zero Charlies in your daughter’s daycare class and also zero in many other daycare classes. (There were not three Williams in class with any of my other children.)

The name that sounds to me as if it most meets your preferences is Miles. It has a very nice sound with Eloise (I think even better than Charles); it is not as common as Charles; it does not have the issues of Collins.

When I say that, what does your heart do? Does it sink, because you were hoping I’d say Charles/Collins? Does it rise up and click into place: yes, Miles! This is one of the most useful things about feedback, I think: not that the feedback itself is helpful, but that our REACTIONS to the feedback can tell us what we really wanted to hear. I think all three names are excellent choices in their own ways, and that you can safely pick the one you like best. I am interested to see if the feedback here and in the comments section will help the true favorite rise to the top.

Let me also try to add a Twitter poll, for another kind of feedback (you may find yourself rooting for one to win): Twitter poll. [Poll closed; results below:]

A few more names I wonder if you would like:

Alistair; Alistair Lucas; Eloise and Alistair
Barnaby; Barnaby Lucas; Eloise and Barnaby
Benjamin; Benjamin Lucas; Eloise and Benjamin
Desmond; Desmond Lucas; Eloise and Desmond
Frederick; Frederick Lucas; Eloise and Frederick
Percy; Percy Lucas; Eloise and Percy
Philip; Philip Lucas; Eloise and Philip/Pip
Simon; Simon Lucas; Eloise and Simon

Oh I wanted so badly to suggest George! Eloise and George!! But George Lucas is not going to work, even with a different spelling.

Hi Swistle!

I am a middle aged parent, coming out as nonbinary in my 40s. I am looking to change my very gendered, family name to something more gender neutral and nature inspired. I have two kids, one with a space themed name, and one with a tree themed name. I would like to pick a first and middle name that go with those themes. My last name rhymes with Blanks. Here are some of the names I’ve been tossing around, for either first or middle:

Lennox
Aspen
Birch
River
Elm
Nova
Sky
Aster
Cypress
Halo
Willow

Thanks so much!

My first suggestion, with what I hope is the full and obvious understanding that ultimately this is about what YOU think is best and not what SWISTLE thinks is best, is that you NOT try to coordinate your name with your kids’ names. Even in families with name themes, such as “everyone starts with an M,” the parents still have names like Matthew and Melissa, and the kids have names like Mia and Mason: they’re themed, but they won’t be mistaken for a four-sibling set, because the names are from two different generations. Looking at your list, my guess is that you are heading for something that sounds like you’re naming someone the age of your kids, rather than someone in their 40s; and because of that sibling-name sound, and the lack of the usual generation gap, I think it will hit people’s ears as a Fake Name—and/or that it will generate the kind of questions you may rather avoid (“Whoa, how did your parents choose that??” “What are your siblings named??” “Is that your REAL name??).

You can practice a little to see if you agree with me or not. Go somewhere you will see an assortment of people—a store, a mall if you still have one of those near you, any sort of big public event, the Facebook page for people from your graduating class. Pick a name from your list, and “try it on” the people you see. In particular, try it on people who appear to be approximately your age. Does that person in their 40s seem like a Halo? an Elm? Imagine one of them introducing themselves to you as Birch, as Sky. It’s fully possible that you will do this exercise and wonder what the HECK I’m talking about: SURE that person seems like a Halo! Why WOULDN’T that person be named Sky? Or it may be that you will get the same little feeling I get, of names that don’t feel like they click. A BABY named Aspen or Elm, sure! Someone my age named Elm, no.

I’m going to start digging around in the Social Security archives, so here’s how to get there if any of you want to join me. Start at the Social Security Administration’s baby name site (which is where you can find information about all the names in the Top 1000, but we’re going to need more than that). Scroll down until you see “Related Links” on the left half of the page, and click “Background Information.” From the menu at left, choose “Beyond the top 1000 names.” Choose “National data”; this will download a folder to your computer, containing usage information for each year from 1880 to 2021 (the 2022 data is likely to be available this May).

Okay! Now we look for the names in your list, to see if they were used the year you were born. I don’t know the exact year, so I will guess the middle of your 40s and look at 1978. In 1978, this is how many babies were given each of those names [names are not in the data base if they were given to fewer than five babies of a particular sex; since that means it COULD have been given to 1-4 babies, I use a dash instead of a zero]:

Lennox: F -, M 6
Aspen: F 20, M –
Birch: F -, M –
River: F -, M –
Elm: F -, M –
Nova: F 56, M –
Sky: F 36, M 71
Aster: F -, M –
Cypress: F 5, M –
Halo: F -, M –
Willow: F 75, M –

If you are in your mid-forties and were born in the United States, it is virtually impossible for your name to be Lennox, Birch, River, Elm, Aster, Cypress, or Halo. Your name COULD be Aster, Nova, or Willow—but for someone named in the 1970s, it would not be a gender-neutral name. The only real candidate is Sky: it was very, very unusual in 1978 (for girls it was as common as Peter, Jimmie, and Yalanda; for boys it was as common as Heather, Kermit, and Buck), but there WERE some babies given the name—and it was given to boys and girls.

I also played the game I mentioned, where I imagined the names on people my age. I found I actually COULD imagine a person in their 40s named Lennox: I would be a little surprised, but I wouldn’t think “No way is that their name.” I think it is because of Annie Lennox. And River Phoenix was older than us, so the name River wouldn’t be a huge shock to me on someone my age, even though based on usage it ought to be. I would not be incredulous to meet a woman named Nova; on a middle-aged non-binary person I would wonder if it was a reference to the word “new”; I would find it startling on a man.

And of course there ARE people who have startling names! I have encountered people my age (just one of each) named Orion and Grove and Mikayla, and those should be basically impossible for people born in my birth year, and yet there they are! They exist! Their parents liked extremely unusual names! But: that’s one of the ways I know that someone with a name outside their generation gets asked to explain it (and list their sibling names) CONSTANTLY.

Here’s another reason I keep pointing out that this is about what YOU want/think and not what SWISTLE wants/thinks: maybe you WANT a name you couldn’t statistically have been given. Maybe you WANT a name that hits the ear as a mismatch for your age, as a way to deliberately indicate that it is a chosen name and not a given name. Maybe you have looked through all the names that were given to 1970s babies and none of them feel like YOU, because the 1970s were not a time that allowed for you. And I’m not looking through the names on your list and seeing low-profile, blend-in kind of choices, so it could easily be that I’m saying “Wait, no, but you need to realize these are SURPRISING and ATTENTION-GETTING names,” and you are saying “Um, YES, and thank you so much for finally tuning in to the question I am asking!”

Still, I would not pick a name that makes you sound like a sibling of your children. And I would particularly avoid matching only ONE of your children, by choosing a space- or tree-related first name—even if you do a middle name from the other theme: the middle name tends to disappear, and is so clearly lower-ranked. But I do realize this suggestion eliminates…a large portion of your list. Like, pretty much all of it.

The names on your list that hit me as GIRL are Willow, Aster, Aspen, and Nova: all of those, if I encountered them on a name list, wouldn’t make me wonder—I’d assume they were girls. (I wouldn’t be RIGHT to assume, since all of those names are given to some boys in the United States—but their usage leans heavily toward girls.) The other names would all leave me uncertain, and so they feel more gender-neutral.

I feel like the name Halo is a lot to carry. It has overt religious/angelic associations, plus the video-game ones. It’s a cool sound (like Haley, but gender-neutral), but I feel it has too much baggage as a name.

Sometimes when someone is choosing a new name as an adult, it works for them to consult with their parents to find something their parents could actually have chosen. Or, if that doesn’t work for any number/combination of reasons, it might work instead for you to IMAGINE some of the names they might/could have chosen if they were naming a child in their own style, or in a style adjacent to theirs, but including current naming trends: surname names, for example. Surnames from the family tree can be a great way to find a meaningful and gender-neutral name with an easy explanation (e.g., “It was my grandmother’s maiden name” or even just “It’s a family name”) that skips over the issue of when specifically the name became yours—and preppy kids have had surname names for generations, so those names can feel outside of naming trends. Or maybe there are names your parents might have chosen if they were naming a baby now, names that weren’t really options in the 1970s. Or of course, you might have reasons not to want to take your parents’ naming style into account, and/or you might have reasons not to want to use a family name.

If you are going to use the tree/space names, and you are going to use modern names, then my absolute number one clear no-contest favorite would be Lennox—except that I am not sure about the repeated ending with your surname. I like that its current usage in the U.S. is fairly gender neutral, to the extent that I would not make any assumptions/guesses if I saw the name in an appointment book or on a business card: 495 new baby girls and 1,393 new baby boys in 2021. I like that the Annie Lennox association makes it feel like it could be the name of a current adult. I like that although it’s tree-related, I believe most people wouldn’t pick up on that.

What I would do is pair it with a more obvious space-reference middle name, and that’s how I’d attempt to achieve balance: a subtle first-name reference to one child, with a blatant middle-name reference to the other child. I like Lennox Nova because of the additional association with the word “new,” but it’s a more subtle space reference than I’d prefer. Lennox Sky would be more obvious, but I don’t like the way the -x combines with the Sk-. Stellan appeals because it feels a little gender-neutral (that is, I would guess boy, but I wouldn’t be shocked if girl) and means “star”; but I don’t love the way the -x combines with the St-, and it’s a more subtle reference than I’d prefer. Sol would work, except once again I am not keen on the -x/S-. Celeste and Stella are lovely but SO girl, and I dislike both of them with Lennox. Aster is a nice subtle star reference (I would have thought first of the flower), but combined with Lennox I hear something that sounds like the word “disaster.” Maybe Baily? It’s VERY subtle (I found it on a list of astrology terms and otherwise wouldn’t have known it), and I like the sound: Lennox Baily. With the surname, it’s a lot of repeated sounds, but those could tie the whole thing together.

My second choice is River—but unfortunately absolutely not with the surname I can see in your email address, which makes it into a joke name. But I like that it is neither tree- nor space-related; I like that it feels like it could be someone our age, because of River Phoenix; I like that it is very gender-neutral. I would pair it with another non-tree-or-space-related middle, probably a family surname name.

Now I am noticing another issue, which is that with your surname, anything that ends in an S sound turns into “spanks.” Non-ideal. Lennox Spanks. Cypress Spanks.

Birch with your surname is VERY alliterative, particularly with two one-syllable names.

I am talking myself out of every option. Let’s turn this over to the commenters and see if they can be more help than I have been!

Oh, coming back to say: maybe Arbor? Briar? Cielo? Garnet? Laken? Rowan? Sage?

Update (and photo) on Baby Girl or Boy Statmiller, Sibling to Tessa, Bennett, Cora, and Palmer