Baby Girl Raiserhöffer: Finding a Name that Works in Germany and the United States

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Hi Swistle!

I’ve been an avid reader of your blog for many years and I’ve always loved names. My husband and I are expecting our first child, a girl this July and we are struggling to find names that work. I always had girls names that I would use, but my husband is German, along with his entire family, and our child will be raised in both Germany and America so many names that I like do not work in Germany. We have lived in both countries and currently reside in Germany, but expect to be back in America in the future.

For some background on German names: there are a lot more unspoken rules around naming a child. If you look up “kevinism” you will see just some of the rules linked to Germany. These include not giving your child a super ‘american/british’ name, not doing a super american/french name with a german last name, place/thing names are not acceptable, and names that are of german/latin/hebrew (biblical) descent are seen the most proper and correct. Scandinavian names are also popular in Germany. There are some exceptions to these rules, but generally these rules apply. While some younger germans are pushing away from these rules, they are still very much followed by many. It is very important to us that our child feels she ‘fits’ in both cultures.

If I was not married to a German man and if my husband was going along with whatever names I like, my top two girls names would be June and Rose. I love both these names for their summery feel, long history of usage, short, feminine, and just overall ‘feel’ of the name. Alas, neither of these work at all in German as they are seen as very American names/English ‘thing’ names. Even when I type those names, I still wish I could use them, but I know its not fair to my husband and to our daughter’s 50% German genes if I pushed two names that truly do not work in one country.

For my naming style: I tend to like girls names that have been in usage in history, are not too ‘out there’, and are shorter. I generally do not like super long, overly feminine girls names. My husband does not appear to have any rules around names, he just will suggest names that he thinks sound interesting. I am definitely the person who cares more about the name and history. Our last name sounds similar to Raiserhöffer (but with a more difficult spelling) so very German, hard to pronounce when read, and long.

Some names we have thrown around (in no particular order):

1. Charlotte- the name I am lobbying for. I like the nickname Charlie, Charlotte works in both countries (pronounced char-lott-uh in Germany), and is seen as a classic in both countries. My husband feels neutral on the name, but doesn’t feel enthusiastic. He is pushing for Caroline instead, which is a hard no from me.

2. Lucy- the name we both love, but cannot use because it is seen as an English name and not a proper name in Germany. Plus, the older generations in Germany who do not speak English pronounce it like “lutzie” which is not a dealbreaker, but we want a name that everyone feels comfortable with. I love this name because of its literary connotations, musical connotations, and short but lively sound.

3. Claire- we are both ‘okay’ with this name. Germans would prefer it to be Clara, but we can get away with Claire. I do like the meaning, but there is something about it that I am not super enthusiastic about. Neither my husband nor I like Clara.

4. Ava- a hail mary name I threw out there. My husband likes this one a lot. Germans would pronounce it ‘ah-vah’. I like it, but I am worried it will be a very dated name in twenty years for American ears. I also feel like its lost its sparkle a bit? So far the name we seem to agree on the most and my husband’s top-runner favorite.

5. Louisa- my husband’s suggestion. Technically written ‘Luise’ in German, but we would do the English spelling. It feels very German to me and I tend to like shorter/more snappy names. This feels like a large step away from names I would give my daughter if there were no cultural issues here on names.

6. Kaia- a name I like, it would work in Germany b/c of its scandinavian origins, but I typically like more classic sounding names and this feels a bit out there. I mostly like this name for its meaning. If our next child was a boy, I think it would not fit with the Leo/Lucas/Henry names I tend to lean towards. For this reason, I am not looking at the name seriously.

7. Maren- another name that we’ve thrown around. Also diverts from my typical leanings for more classic names, but it is shorter. I like the meaning ‘of the sea.’ It is a German/Danish name, but older name in Germany and I think it is rising in America. I’m worried I would regret giving her a name that doesn’t have the historical ties that I tend to like and I find myself hesitating on this name.

8. Lily- the only ‘flower/thing’ name that Germans find acceptable, because they do not consider this name to be a flower. In Germany, the name is spelled “Lilly” and comes from the full name Elizabeth. I like it, but it feels a bit too soft? I don’t know how to explain it.

9. Romy- a german nickname, but I find it quite cute. I am nervous that it does not fit an adult and that maybe it is a passing fancy of mine. Also not sure about the alliteration of Romy R. My husband also feels weird about the two “R”s especially when Germans use a different sounding “r” from english. (more harsh sounding on the tongue). For those reasons, I am not seriously considering it, but listing it here so you get a sense of the names we have talked about.

10. Amelia/Emilia- My husband likes this naming set. Emilia is the German version and is very very popular in germany right now. It feels a bit too flowery to me. Again, it mostly feels like I am agreeing to a name here that fits a culture rather than my own personal naming preferences.

Sorry for this very long (slightly desperate) email! I never thought I would be in this boat of not having a name picked out and it is increasing my anxiety as the due date draws closer each week. I appreciate any thoughts, names, suggestions, or other comments besides this small echo-chamber of my husband and I!

All the best,

M & S

 

I agree that the child’s name should work in both of her parents’ countries, especially since you plan to live in both. I agree it seems wrong to give her a name that truly doesn’t work in one of the two countries, or a name that would be viewed with disdain in either of the two countries. But I am not ready to pleasantly concede that “The name cannot be/seem American” is a valid cultural naming rule for one parent’s country to apply to the other parent’s country.

But if that’s what we’re going to work with, and if the child is going to have her father’s family surname AND only be given names that meet the preferences of her father’s culture (those preferences excluding anything from her mother’s culture), then certainly you, the mother, should have 100% deciding power from among the names that meet those preferences. I further suggest that you use one of The Names You Can’t Use in Germany as the child’s middle name, where presumably it will not be visible enough to encounter daily disdain. Anyone who DOES say anything about it can be reminded that the child has two parents.

(Perhaps it would be instructive before going any further to have your husband spend a few minutes imagining a situation in which the child was to be given YOUR family’s surname, and ALSO that the rest of the name had to meet YOUR culture’s guidelines, which in this imaginary case would mean NO German names or anything that even SEEMED LIKE a German name. And now perhaps he would like to imagine that after he agreed to those remarkable conditions, the two of you came up with a list of names that qualified as Not German, and now you were pushing to use one of YOUR top choices rather than one of his.)

I vote for Charlotte June. You mention that Charlotte is your own top choice of the names that can be used in your husband’s culture; it works in both countries; it works with the surname; “Charlie June” is an appealing nickname; and the only downside is that your husband feels neutral about it. Neutral is a HUGE WIN for this difficult naming situation! He can save his enthusiasm for the use of his family surname and for his wife’s willingness to defer to all his culture’s naming customs! And this way you both get something you’re happy and enthusiastic about: I cannot fathom going with your husband’s family surname, your husband’s cultural naming preferences, AND one of your husband’s first-choice names, while you get nothing. AT THE VERY LEAST, the first name should be ONE of your top favorites, if not your VERY most favorite. (I would prefer it to be your VERY most favorite.)

Or Charlotte Lucy. Since Lucy is the name you both love but agree you can’t use in the first-name position, it might be pleasing to have it there in the middle-name slot.

(I’m leaving out Charlotte Rose for two reasons: Rose is such an extremely common middle name for girls right now in the U.S.; and I feel like Charlie Rose doesn’t work as well as a nickname.)

 

 

 

Name update:

Hi! I am so sorry for my delayed update. Our daughter was born with a surprise medical complication and has undergone two surgeries in her short life already. She is doing much better now. The name we went with was Charlotte Maren. Thank you everyone for your wonderful insights and comments, I read them all. It really is interesting trying to merge two cultures together!

Baby Name Game: Laura-to-Lauren Names

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This is a little bit of a JOURNEY of a story, but what happened was that I had the quote “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well” in my head, and I wanted to find out who wrote it; I was imagining perhaps Robert Burns. It turns out it was written by Julian of Norwich in the 1300s; I might have encountered it in a poem by T.S. Elliot, although that poem eliminates the repetition of the first phrase, which I think is one of the most gripping parts of the quote, so perhaps I encountered it elsewhere. Apparently churches sometimes quote it; it does have an Ecclesiastes sort of sound.

The part of the Wikipedia article that is relevant to this post is the part where it says historians are not sure if Julian was the writer’s given name or a pseudonym—but it goes on to say that Julian was indeed used as a name for girls in the Middle Ages, so it’s realistic to think it could have been her actual name.

Currently, in the United States, the name Julian is only a little bit used as a name for girls: according to the Social Security Administration, in 2021 it was used for 30 new baby girls. For comparison, there were also 30 new baby girls that year given each of these names: Belladonna, Erza, Liam, Mars, Nile, Rin, Sable, and Waylon. It’s not common. That same year, there were 7629 new baby boys named Julian. This is a name I would stop short of saying was used “exclusively for boys”—but I would probably say it’s used ALMOST exclusively for boys.

I am reluctant to suggest we start using it more for girls, though Julian of Norwich makes it a fun honor name. But the idea that Julian is basically Julia but with an -n, so why SHOULDN’T it be for girls, makes me think of the name Lauren, which was somewhere between the exclusively-for-girls Laura and the exclusively-for-boys Laurence. The -n takes a soft and feminine -a name and firms it up a bit. Alyssa is soft and feminine; Allison is firmed up a bit.

I wondered if we could do that to other names. This is not a task in my area of strengths (I immediately tried to make Anna into Annan and Ada into, oh, Aiden), but I know we have those among us who are great at this kind of thing.

Some names feel like they transform into something less name-like when we add -n: Alecia turns to Alecian, which sounds like someone is from the country of Alecia. Victoria turns to Victorian, which again sounds descriptive rather than name-like. Viola is now a violin.

Some transform into familiar existent names: Ella to Ellen. Mira to Mirren. Linda to Linden. Kara to Karen.

Some names just transform into names used more often for boys, the way Julia does. Stella turns to Stellan. Nola turns to Nolan. Cora turns to Corin. Myra turns to Myron.

Some transform into words: Portia turns to portion; Paula to pollen; Marcia to Martian; Patricia to patrician; Becca turns to beckon. Though actually I feel like Beccan/Beckyn is cute and usable despite the word-name aspect.

But what about Tessa to Tessan? It takes some work to adjust to it, but Laura to Lauren probably felt odd at first, too. Ava to Aven? Lila to Lilan/Lylan? Sarah to Saren? Bella to Bellyn/Bellen? Myla to Mylen? Nora/Cora/Flora should be similar to Laura: Noran, Corin, Florin. I wonder if the method would work best for updating names that feel out of style right now. Tamara to Tamaran/Tamaryn. Lisa to Lisan/Liesen. Monica to Monican/Moniken/Monnikyn. Sheila to Sheilan. Erica to Eriken. Melissa to Melissyn.

It doesn’t HAVE to be -a endings. Kathy to Kathyn/Cathen. Joyce to Joycen. Jess to Jessen. Holly to Hollyn. Tracy to Tracen.

Well, as I say, this kind of thing is not one of my strengths, but I wondered if it would be fun for others to take a crack at it.

Baby Boy Lawpin, Brother to Gray and Juneau

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Dear Swistle,

We are expecting our third and final baby at the beginning of May. A baby boy! My husband granted me final naming rights for this baby early on in our Secondary Infertility journey, which involved multiple cycles over three years using donor embryos to get where we are now. But I would much prefer to find a name we both love.

We each have a favorite name that we can’t get past. Every other name feels like a second best by comparison. So we are currently attempting to utilize the “pretend those names don’t exist” technique to find a new (and mutual) favorite. It’s not going well because the few we agree on seem too popular for our comfort.

For background, we have a son named Gray and a daughter named Juneau (but spelled like the movie/Roman goddess, not the city). Our last name sounds like Lawpin. I would say the 4-letter version of Juneau is most in line with our ideal naming style. Short rather than a longer name with a nickname, quirky and fun, not commonly heard of. We ideally don’t want to repeat any of our first initials. This baby will have the middle name Joseph in honor of our embryo donors.

My favorites:
1. Cary- In my mind, this is his name. Husband likes but thinks of it as a girl’s name since Carrie was so popular among our female peers born in the 1970s.

2. Zeke or Enzo- Both so fun & spunky, similar to the vibe of our daughter’s name. Husband vetoed as “too hipster.”

3. Tadhg- Husband vetoed as too confusing to say & spell. I agree, but still love it.

4. Atlas- He finds it pretentious.

Husband’s favorites:
1. Raif- Husband is dead set on this name. That’s his entire list! I like it okay, but don’t love at all. Also, I misheard it as “r@pe” once & now cannot unhear it. That is pretty much a deal breaker to me.

Names we both like equally, but just don’t feel quite right: Beau, Felix, Hoyt, Hayes, Hugo, Rhett, Rhys, Soren, Zev.

Names we would consider as new, mutual favorites but think are too commonly used:
1.Theo- Perfect in every way except it’s so popular, especially factoring all the Theodores who are almost all called Theo these days.

2. Reid- A solid choice in the top 300 with no real drawbacks, and we could learn to love.

Please help us find a name worthy of this much awaited baby boy!

Erica & Michael

 

The name that jumps out to me is Reid. It’s a compromise name but it’s a GREAT compromise name: “no real drawbacks, and we could learn to love.” It’s four letters like the other two kids’ names, but has its own distinct sound. You’ve got it under Too Common, but as you’ve noted it’s in the 300s, and that is quite uncommon. It’s about as common as Jensen, Gunner, Prince, Hendrix, and Maximiliano. If we combine it with the spelling Reed, it’s about as common as Alejandro, Dawson, Abel, Tristan, Karter, and King.

I agree that Raif should be out. It’s very, very, very unusual in the U.S.: only 9 new baby boys were given the name in 2021, with another 17 given the spelling Raife. In addition to your deal-breaking issue, I notice it forms the words “flaw” and “flop” with your surname, and I think it will be misheard as Ray Floppin. And it shares sounds with Gray in a way that is displeasing to my ear: three-quarters of the name is the same.

I also think Cary should be out—to my surprise, because I would like to see that name come back into style for boys. But it is three-quarters the same letters as Gray, and the G and C are very similar-looking letters, and I find it just BUGS ME. If I answered this again tomorrow, I might dismiss all those concerns as ridiculous; but today, this morning, I don’t like Gray and Cary together, and I am bothered by how similar they look, and I feel that pretty soon both boys would be called Gary.

I like Reid! I think Reid is great with the surname and in this sibling group! Reid Lawpin! Reid Joseph Lawpin! Gray, Juneau, and Reid! I vote learn to love it!