Dear Swistle,

I am so excited to be writing to you, after about 10 years with my husband and 37 years loving all things baby names.

I am expecting a baby boy this December. This will be our only child. I knew, prior to finding out the baby’s sex, that naming a girl would be FAR easier for my husband and I than a boy.

For starters, my husband has the seemingly-traditional male issue of liking names that he grew up with, and because he works with kids, he also likes names that he hears now. Neither of these naming styles work with my more classic, traditional approach. But for girls, we had room for compromise:

I liked Sophie, he liked Sophia
I liked Caroline, he liked Carrie
I loved Fiona, he was open to it (ha!)

And there were probably 10 or 15 other names that we could have done that with. So. MANY. Options.

He also loved names like Mykayla, Mckenna, Mykelti, etc. Nope. But as we are having a boy, no worrying about that now.

When it comes to boys, we’ve tried one of those apps where baby naming meets Tinder. The names we both “like” (though neither of us LOVE):

Grant
Samuel
Noah
Augustus (for me, just as a middle name, but we could call him Gus-so then I’d be a little more open to a first name choice)

He also really likes Sebastian; I’m open to it as a middle name.

His other name choices:
Zayden
Braylin
and many other -lin and -den names. He is also open to gender-neutral names (he has one), I am NOT.

I love the name Henry. I can definitely “see” that being our baby’s name. My husband is not exactly on board, but hasn’t vetoed. I also really like William, which is a family name on my side, though it feels more like a middle name.

As far as other names I like:

Calvin
Conrad
Everett
George (family name)
Hugh
Julian
…I typically like girl names with nicknames, but I don’t really like any boy names with known nicknames!

He is not into any of the names on my list. So we are at a standstill. We both barely talk about it, and while I’m open to going to the hospital with two names to choose between, I’d like for us to both be on the same page with the two names (like Noah William or Henry Sebastian-which gives me a thrill when I say it btw) but we aren’t there yet. I know a nickname for Henry is H@nk, which was my husband’s grandfather’s nickname, so I thought that might help sell it for him, but so far no significant excitement there.

One more fun fact: our last name is “heinz” but spelled like the second half of a specific lower body part ha. Meaning, I am not comfortable giving our child a name that starts with B. I just think that’s asking for trouble. That’s partly why I think William is a better middle name-I like Billy, but B. Heinz is just not going to work.

Of course being a huge fan of your blog, I firmly believe that at least one name should come from my family, and/or be more of ‘my’ naming choice because our son is getting his father’s last name (and FYI my maiden name works ZERO percent with his-there’s definitely no room for combining hence why I took his name ha). Shouldn’t women get 51% of all naming rights?!

So any help you could provide on classic names that maybe have a more modern nickname, or something old-fashioned with a bit of a zing, that would be great!

Glancing just at the two Favorites lists, I see room for concern: it feels like there isn’t much chance of compromise between a list containing names such as Zayden and Braylin and a list containing names such as Henry and Everett. However, as soon as we get out of Favorites territory, I see tons of hope: you both like Grant, Samuel, and Noah! He likes SEBASTIAN and AUGUSTUS, which I would NOT have predicted based on Zayden and Braylin!

So you two are ALL SET: the issue here is just that you are not likely to find a baby name that you both LOVED from the very beginning. This is super common, and it’s one of the reasons I don’t like having “WE BOTH HAVE TO LOVE IT” as a baby-name requirement. For some couples, different naming styles means a name like that does not exist. And yet the baby still needs a name. And so the goal becomes: Let’s find a name we can both feel satisfied with. Because it is also very, very likely that you will both GROW to love the name.

You have some time before the baby is born, and I suggest using that time to Let Go of the Favorites and focus on the Like But Don’t Love list. (It may still turn out that one of the favorites will end up being The Name: we have seen this happen many times over the years, especially with partners who seem a little meh about the whole naming process during the pregnancy. But best to let that be a happy surprise, if it happens.) Write the Like But Don’t Love names on a piece of paper and put it up where you both see it many times a day. Have both parents rank the names in order of preference (it’s fine to have more than one name sharing the same ranking), and see if any of the names are ranked near/at the bottom for both of you and can be eliminated from consideration. Try out first names with various middle names, and see if any of the combinations give either of you a little thrill. Grant William Heinz. Augustus George Heinz. Noah Sebastian Heinz. Grant Sebastian Heinz. Etc. Do you have a favorite family name or name from your list that you would feel especially thrilled to use as the balance to using your husband’s surname? Start with that name, and see what combinations you can come up with.

I am not particularly skilled at coming up with unusual nicknames, but we have some among us who ARE, and I hope they will take a look at your list of favorites and see if there is anything that might bring your husband around to those choices. George/Geordie? Calvin/Cal/Vinnie? Any chance he’s a Jules Verne fan and would appreciate Julian/Jules? In fact, that’s another line to pursue, if you have the energy: I enticed Paul to fall for a certain name by mentioning the various famous people he knew of who shared that name. Wikipedia has useful entries (here’s the one for Conrad) that contain lists of famous people who have the name as either a first name or a surname.

And perhaps we can add to the Like list, to make it more fun to consider. Do you have a copy of The Baby Name Wizard? You can look up any name and see what other names are suggested. If you look up Grant, for example, the suggestions are Reid, Garrett, Dean, Brooks, Lincoln, Preston. Maybe you think Brooks is going the wrong direction but Reid sounds great, so then you look up Reid; the suggestions are Grant, Ross, Elliott, Blake, Nolan, Graham. Hey, Nolan is kind of like Noah! Elliott is kind of like Everett! Etc.! There are also categories that seem like they might be what you’re looking for: “old-fashioned with a bit of a zing” could be Elegant Antiques (August, Cyrus, Jasper, Oliver, Silas, Theodore), or Stately Classics (Arthur, Crawford, Edmund, Frederick, Louis), or Solid Citizens (Clark, Ellis, Stanley, Warren), or Timeless (Anderson, Davis, Elliott, Nolan, Simon). Augustus doesn’t have its own entry for looking up name suggestions, but it’s found in several categories, including Exotic Traditionals (Alastair, Barnaby, Cedric, Milo) and the aforementioned Elegant Antiques.

Name update:

Thank you SO MUCH for posting my naming conundrum and for the great advice and comments that followed. Though my husband and I had planned to sit down and really discuss names before the official due date (today!), our son decided to make his world debut one month early.

Post-delivery, my lovely husband came around to my ‘compromise’ name of Henry Seb@sti@n (which still gives me a thrill to say!) and at one month old, Sir Henry is healthy and thriving! Thanks again!

Dear Swistle,
I’ve been a reader for a long time, and 3ish years ago you had a “quick answers in the comments” post that helped us name our daughter (Cor@ H@zel). We are now expecting another daughter (almost certainly our last child) in October, and are really struggling with her name.

We went into the delivery room with two names when Cora was born, and we still really liked the name we didn’t end up using, which was Margaret. But my husband’s cousin used the name for his daughter about 6 months ago, and we just felt weird about using it.

(As an aside, not only did they use the first name we had picked out, they also used the dated, relatively obscure middle name that we were going to use…it’s my middle name with some history on my mom’s side, so totally unexpected for my husband’s cousin to use it! We hadn’t shared our name choices with anyone, so we were flabbergasted when they announced her name).

We brainstormed a new list of names, but we are having a really hard time getting to a consensus. We even put Margaret back on the list (they exclusively call their Margaret by a nickname we would never use, so it feels less weird. We would call her Margaret or maybe Margo, and pick a different middle), but now my husband is having second thoughts about it. He has trouble spelling it (which I argued he would get used to once he wrote her name down a few times while filling out paperwork) and isn’t sure about how the middle syllable gets smooshed. Also I recently found out that was my grandpa’s most hated aunt’s name, which, while that doesn’t really matter, doesn’t give me *good* vibes.

Our last name is Dutch. It sounds like Anderson but with a “V” stuck on the front, and the emphasis is on the “der”.

Our “naming rules” are that it should be pronounceable upon seeing and spell-able upon hearing. We did break that rule with Cora, and it hasn’t been a problem, so I guess that’s more of a naming “guideline”. We tend to like shorter names because our last name is a mouthful, and we don’t like unisex names.

Here’s the list we’ve come up with. We both like all of these names enough to use them, theoretically, but disagree on which one would be best. Or second best. Or 3rd best etc.

Alice (some family baggage, but surmountable if we love it best)

Margaret (after all the drama it feels a little anticlimactic to go back, but I still love it)

Willa (husband’s grandma, worried about constantly being mistaken for Willow?)

Violet (husband doesn’t like how the middle syllable is swallowed up, and I’m not sure how I feel about the alliteration)

Grace (I think it’s a little boring/dated)

Mabel (Mae is a family name for me, it just might be a little too Old Lady Chic? It’s quite a bit less popular than Cora)

Iris (I love, husband wishy washy. He likes it when he thinks flower, but not eyeball)

Ada (husband likes, I’m wishy washy)

Margot (my first choice when Margaret got axed, husband also loves it but he hates the “t”…it makes his brain go Mar-Got, but we think we might be dooming her to a life of constant irritation if we used an alternate spelling, since the t spelling is pretty dominant?)

Molly (It doesn’t feel substantial enough to me but husband likes it)

Ivy (we both love but it sounds bad with our last name)

For middle names our preference is “names we like with a family connection”, even if that connection is tenuous or only in our heads. Current options include Elise (a mashup of our moms’ middles-Lee and Denise) or Elizabeth (after husband’s grandma Betty). But we aren’t that fussed and will cross that bridge once we pick a first name!

Help! I don’t know if what we need is a name we haven’t thought of, or for someone in authority to tell us which problems we are wondering about are or are not real. We are in the middle of an international move (Americans moving back from abroad), with a toddler, in a pandemic, so I’m willing to accept that excess stress might be leading me to create problems where none exist!

Thanks,
David and Samantha

I still love Margaret for this baby, and I think it’s lovely with the sibling name and surname. Issues I am declaring Not Real: it was the name of your grandfather’s most hated aunt; your husband currently has trouble spelling it (I have utter faith in his ability to improve with patience and practice!).

I also love Alice. Cora and Alice! Gorgeous. Is the s-sound in Alice at all odd with the s-sound in the surname, or is it a nice tie-in? I can’t quite tell.

I think Willa is another great option. I doubt it would be confused with Willow at a level that might rule out using it, though I’d be grateful for input from people who know/have/are a Willa. And so many names are briefly/occasionally confused with other names, and it seems like it’s not a big deal unless it’s a virtually unheard of name that is CONSTANTLY confused with a much more familiar name, which is not the case here. And so I declare that issue Not Real—UNLESS it would make you clench your teeth with intense irritation every time it was confused with Willow, in which case I declare it Real—though, even then, perhaps more an issue of thinking of ways to prevent the confusion, such as exaggerating the articulation the first time, or immediately spelling it, or saying “Willa: like Will but with an A on the end.”

I am picky about alliteration, and I am in favor of Violet with your surname. I don’t mind the “swallowed middle syllable” issue, though I do see it; this seems like another fairly common name situation. Like, if your husband ONLY likes the name pronounced Vi-o-let, and it will drive him crazy to hear Vi-let, then that is a genuinely good reason not to use it. But if this is more a theoretical thing, where he likes Vi-o-let AND Vi-let but is bothered in principle by the fact that in language we sometimes smooth/elide, then that seems like another Not Real issue.

I think Mabel is delightful with Cora. I think this is a good example of a pairing where each name makes me like the other name even more.

Margo(t) is another good option, and I see no reason at all to use the T version if you’d prefer it without: both spellings are familiar. You are correct that with the T is currently more common, but the one without the T used to be dominant. I think it’s only an issue if it would bug you to sometimes need to correct someone’s spelling. My own name has various spellings, and it doesn’t feel like a big deal to have to either pre-load the correct spelling (“Kristen; that’s K-r-i-s-t-E-n”) or else correct it when necessary (“Oh—it’s Kristen with a K”). It doesn’t feel like being doomed to a lifetime of constant irritation. And TONS of names have alternate spellings, so it feels like another pretty common naming thing.

I have said it aloud many times and am not confident enough to try to pressure you about it—but actually I REALLY LIKE Ivy with your surname. I think it’s distinctive in a good way. I could see how it might feel like it could run together a little—but I think you’d quickly get used to putting a teensy little pause in there, like “Ivy.V____.” And I adore it with Cora. But of course such things are hugely subjective: if you don’t like the sound of Ivy with your surname, that’s what matters. (I’m hoping other commenters will try it out and then weigh in.) (And side with me.) (Because I love it more and more.)

More names to consider:

Beatrice
Beatrix
Eliza
Frances
Gemma
Greta (unless this is the nickname for Margaret the cousin is using)
Harriet
Ida
Isla
Louise
Lydia
Jane
Jean
Pearl
Polly
Rose
Stella
Sylvia

Name update:

Hi Swistle!

Our daughter arrived last week and was nameless for 2 days. Pre-delivery we had narrowed down our long list to two (Margo Elise or Ivy Elizabeth) and intended to choose one upon meeting her. But when we held her, neither felt right, so we went back to the longer list and decided that her name is Violet Elise!

Thank you so much for your help and advice. It was really freeing to hear that you liked the way Ivy sounded with our last name…we had taken a lot of names off the list that clashed, but couldn’t ever get rid of Ivy. ( I think part of the reason we didn’t use Ivy is that Violet spent a few days in the NICU and all the talk about her IV subconsciously soured me on it. If we were ever to have another girl we’d definitely put it back on the list).

Thanks again,
Samantha and David

Dear Swistle,

My husband and I are expecting our first child, a girl, in early October. We are torn between two names and it feels impossible to choose! Our last name rhymes with McTune and the middle name will be my maiden name.

The two names we are deciding between are Rose and Laine/Lane (I know Laine is the traditional spelling of the girls name, but I personally prefer the look of Lane. However, spelling is not the issue here). Although we’ve tried not to share potential names with many people in fear that their reactions would influence us too greatly, there does seem to be strong preference by friends towards Rose.

We both have short, familiar (some may say common) names and have always appreciated that. I never wished that instead of Kate I had been named something more exotic. I really appreciate having a short, classic name. Rose definitely fits the bill, but is Lane too out there? Should we go with Rose even if we have a slight preference towards Lane in order ensure that our little girl has a Perfectly Acceptable and Well Liked Name?

Help!!!

Kate & Chris

It’s obvious to me (and I suspect to you) that the answer to your final question is no. It sounds to me more as if you’re feeling pressure on various levels to prefer/use Rose, and you would rather make your choice WITHOUT those pressures—and for what it’s worth, I certainly think that you can go ahead and choose the name you prefer rather than the name some of the other people in your life prefer. Other people’s preferences are generally fleeting and shallow: that is, you may indeed be correctly assessing that some of your friends and family have a strong preference for the name Rose—but I doubt any of them care deeply, or that they will continue to care long after the baby is born and named. It may help to think about how you’ve felt in the past about what your friends/family have named THEIR children: even if you had a reaction/opinion, did you DEEP-DOWN care? did you LASTINGLY care? Or did you have a flicker of interest and then go on with your life, unaffected?

Certainly I think it’s appropriate to feel SOME pressure from society/culture: if you were trying to decide between the names Rose and Yogurt, and you were getting shocked/horrified reactions to the name Yogurt from a few trusted friends and family members, I would suggest you should consider that feedback carefully, as it might represent how the larger society would react as well. But when we are talking about the names Rose and Lane, and about different people just having different naming styles, I don’t think you need to be unduly influenced by what other people might prefer. Lane is less common, but I would not put it in the Out There category: it feels familiar and normal and non-startling.

I think of Laine as another possible spelling, but not as “the right/traditional spelling for girls” or anything: Lane feels correct for anyone.

I notice two small things, neither of which are objectively positive or negative, but both of which I would want to think about ahead of time. The first is that Lane with your surname is a little sing-songy. “Lane” and “[T]une” have similar word structures (one syllable, long vowel, -ne ending), and then the “Mc” in the middle gives it the little storybook hop of a children’s book/poem. The second thing I notice is that the name Lane is somewhat similar to the name Kate: one syllable, dominant long-A vowel.

Because Rose and Lane are quite stylistically different, I think it could be helpful to think ahead to future sibling names, to make sure neither name is an outlier of your usual style. Would you want to use Rose and Lane in the same sibling group, or does using one of them rule out using the other? Does the rest of your list look more like Lane, or more like Rose, or is it a nice mix? Usage of the name Lane is currently unisex-leaning-fairly-strongly-boy in the United States (103 new baby girls and 1360 new baby boys named Lane in 2020, according to the Social Security Administration) (another 111 new baby girls and 99 new baby boys were named Laine that same year); the name Rose is currently used exclusively for girls. Look at the rest of your favorites list: do they tend to be unisex? exclusively boy/girl? a mix? Imagine you have one or two more children after this one: can you make a satisfactory sibling set with either Rose or Lane as the firstborn? Do you find yourself preferring one set of names over another? If there is no trouble coming up with future names to go with either Rose or Lane, and if either set seems good to you, then I see no reason you shouldn’t very naturally choose whichever name you find you prefer.

But if you remove other people’s preferences as far as you are able to do so (it is nearly impossible for some of us not to consider them), and you still can’t decide, then you could try doing some little games/exercises: Narrowing Down a List; Deciding Between Two Finalists. And/or you could see if you can find more names similar to Rose/Lane: Sloane, Lynn, Fern, Joan, Ivy, Brynn, Pearl, Jean, Jane, Grace, Eve, Leigh, Claire, etc. Or you could take some time off: you have some time left before the baby is here, and you have two names you both love, so you are in a good place right now. If it is helpful, I will say that I don’t see much danger here of Choosing the Wrong Name: both names seem like good solid choices that would serve a person well.

Update:

Thank you so much for all the help. In the end, we decided to go with our gut and baby Lane was born in October. Although there have been one or two less than enthusiastic responses to her name, we love it and it seems to fit her well.