Dear Swistle,
My husband and I are currently in a naming standstill. We are due with a baby boy in early August, so time is no longer on our side. This is our first and potentially only child (leaning one and done right now).
Rules we agree on:
– no names from our parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles/siblings (rules out a lot of great ones including Henry and Frederick/Alfred)
– intuitive spelling and pronunciation
– not a nickname
– classic/tried and true, but not overly popular (Benjamin and Theodore miss this mark but we kept them on the list because they are just very good names)
– ideally would work in French too because I have family in that area of the world and hope to pass on the language
Names that are on our joint list:
Louis, Simon, Harrison, Joshua, Miles, Samuel, Theodore, and Benjamin
Of these, my husband likes Simon, Harrison, and Samuel best, while I like Louis, Harrison, and Theodore best. Obvious overlap is Harrison but I am hesitant because I’m overall not a fan of surname names.
Names my husband likes that I am not too keen on:
Noah (too popular), Jacob, Andrew, Adam
Names I like that my husband has vetoed:
Tobias, Edward, Leon, Arthur, Griffin, Julian
But the real wrench in our gears is the name that I LOVE. The name that felt like a lightening strike when I read it, like that’s The One. Hugo. My husband vetoed it on, calling it an old man name. He knew one person with this name (an old man, now dead) and, even though by all accounts this man was kind and friendly, he apparently cannot shake that association. For me, it hits all the marks: intuitive spelling and pronunciation, works in multiple languages, not a family name, a classic but one that fits well with current trends…
I have not been able to give this name up since I read it some ~18wks ago. Every name pales in comparison. If my husband were searching for ideas, submitting names for consideration, or if he felt passionate about any of the names on any of our lists, perhaps it would be easier for me to give up on Hugo. But as it stands, it’s my passion vs his “this is a decent name” and I am having a hard time giving up on Hugo because of that.
Now we are rapidly approaching a point where we need to have a name decided or, at minimum, a much shorter list to work from. My enthusiasm for naming has dwindled so much during this process. I don’t feel much of anything for the names that we theoretically both like. He feels worn out by proposals of new names and repeated pleas for him to reconsider Hugo. I don’t want to end up naming the kid something that’s just “fine,” and he doesn’t see a problem with a name that we think is “fine.”
So yes, it appears that I am the problem. I have turned out to be the stubborn, unyielding partner. Part of me is ready to tell him we need to scrap everything and start fresh. Part of me thinks we have enough here to work with. But the biggest part of me simply wants my way.
Please help us (ok, me) find a way through this. The stakes feel very high because naming a human is big work and because this might well be our one chance to do it.
Thank you in advance,
Nicole
Periodically we get a letter where one partner (almost always a woman) is explaining that she doesn’t know what to do, because her partner (almost always a man) has dug in on his one favorite name, and is sitting there insisting that she do the work to find him a name he likes better than his favorite, or else, wow, too bad, they’ll HAVE TO use his favorite since she hasn’t found him anything better. And so then I have to make my list of what is wrong with that: she doesn’t have to do that work while he sits there waiting for her to do it; if she doesn’t find him a name he likes better, that doesn’t mean they have to use his choice; he needs to start by realizing his favorite name is NOT going to be used, so now he needs to work on this joint project of finding the name they both like best out of the remaining candidates; and so on.
Your situation is interestingly different:
• you are the partner with the favorite name
• you KNOW you are that partner
• you are also the partner doing most of the work
• you care a lot, while your husband just wants to pick something decent
You make a compelling point about how this combination feels from your point of view: you don’t want to settle on a name that’s Just Fine for both of you, when you have strong feelings and your husband doesn’t have strong feelings and doesn’t want to put in the work/effort of finding a name you both like better than Just Fine. It feels unfair to me, too, that someone who cares less would still get half the vote—and a full veto on the name you love beyond all others. It makes me hope very much that this letter will end up being like the other letters we periodically receive, the ones where one partner (it’s almost always a male one) has ruled out a name, but then ends up doing a 180-degree turn on it at the last minute. (The name updates NEVER give as much information as I want about how that happened, and often they’re completely casual about it: “We named the baby [the name I said my husband hated and would never agree to and we couldn’t possibly use under any circumstances no matter what]! Thanks for your help!”
Still, we come back to the sad reality: I believe you MUST take the name Hugo out of the running. You have done your best to persuade him, and I agree with you that his stated reasons feel unsatisfying (especially when “it’s an old man/woman name” is basically the GOLD STANDARD for determining when a name is ready to be used again, as well as a clear indicator that the person saying it is out of touch with naming fashions)—but still, I think we have to accept that the other parent has said no, and I think at this point you must take him at his word. If it helps, SO MANY of us have stories like this about names we loved and the other parent just WOULD NOT agree to. Sometimes we end up getting to use the name later on; sometimes we find that, with time, the pain of not using the name fades; sometimes we end up having a grandchild with that name; sometimes we enduringly wish we had had the baby on our own, without a co-parent, so that we could have used the perfect name.
Going forward, you will have to stop comparing names to Hugo and watching them pale in comparison: the goal is not to find a name you like as much as Hugo, or even NEARLY as much as Hugo; the only goal is to find the name you and your husband like best out of all the non-Hugo names.
But while you are right that your attachment to Hugo has been a problem, your husband’s lack of effort is also a problem, as is his failure to understand that it is reasonable to want a name that’s more than Fine. He needs to change his approach as well, and I suggest stating it as a in “let’s work together” terms, in whatever wording is right for you; for me, I might say something like, “Okay, look: we are both exhausted by this name search, but we Actually Do need to choose a name, and there is a natural deadline here when we KNOW we’ll get to stop working on it, so in our short time remaining we need to push ahead until we find it, and then we maybe never have to do this again. I will accept that, as much as it breaks my heart, you are not willing to use my Top Favorite Name, and so we will take that off the table: I won’t compare other names to Hugo; I won’t keep pleading with you to consider it; I won’t keep arguing with your reasons. But I want you to accept that, just as you don’t want to name the baby Hugo, I don’t want to name him just Any Decent Name: I want it to be a special name we really like, or that at least I really like and you consider Decent. And to find that name, we are both going to have to put in some effort: it can’t just be me researching/finding names and you vetoing them. We BOTH have to work at it. So let’s come up with some ways we think would make this process easier/better for both of us.”
Some ways that might make the process easier/better:
• finding appealing name-search methods for each of you: some people like to use apps; some people like to go through a long list and make their own lists; some people like to use a name book to do little games such as each choosing your favorite names starting with A, or each choosing your favorite names from a particular category
• choosing particular time frames in which you agree ahead of time to work on the name issue (“every evening,” or “this coming weekend when we both have time off,” or “every day for half an hour,” or WHATEVER), and then, outside of those times, NOT discussing it
• giving yourselves treats/rewards/motivations for working on it: maybe you work on it each night over ice cream, or maybe you decide you will watch one episode of a TV show for every 15 minutes you work on the name thing, or WHATEVER
The name-choosing method that worked for me (someone who cares VERY MUCH about names and wanted to work A LOT on it) and Paul (someone who does not care very much about names and wanted to do almost zero work on it other than suggesting the dated names of people he went to high school with): the parent who cares a lot works on it to their heart’s content and makes lists of their favorite names; the parent who cares much less chooses a name from that list, or chooses finalists from that list and then both parents choose together from those finalists. (The parent who cares less may of course suggest options too, but off-the-cuff suggestions will be understood to carry relatively less weight than carefully-curated ones.)
In your case I might instead suggest that you get to choose the name that makes you feel the most enthusiastic from the list of names the two of you have agreed on. He has agreed to all those names; he has acted as if it is not very important what name is chosen; so then, of the names he says are Fine, you choose the one that you feel most strongly about. This gives you a solution where we are choosing a name both parents have agreed on, but we are also taking into account that one parent cares more and one parent cares less, and adjusting for that. This could also work as a two-step process: you could say “Okay, then I choose Louis and Theodore,” and then he chooses between those two, or chooses which order those names go in: Louis Theodore Bern@rdi-without-the-I or Theodore Louis Bern@rdi-without-the-I.
Another method I suggest keeping in mind: removing rules if possible. It caught my attention that you say the rule you agree on about not using any family names has eliminated some really great names. Maybe by removing that rule (it’s your-plural rule! you-plural can remove it!), you would find a name you-singular felt enthusiastic about and you-plural could agree on. Or perhaps you could remove the rule about intuitive spelling/pronunciation: in my experience, a LOT of even very easy names still encounter regular requests to spell them, and it’s not a big deal.
An idea to keep in mind: Hugo can be the MIDDLE name. Your husband may agree to this out of the sheer relief of not having to consider it as a first name anymore, and it’s a nice way to accommodate the imbalance between your strong feelings/effort and his low feelings/effort. You may want to save this idea in case you get to the point where you both really like two names, and he prefers one of them, and you prefer the other but only very slightly: you could suggest you would go with his preference for the first name IF you can use Hugo as the middle name. Or you could ask for it straight-out, saying how happy it would make you. Harrison Hugo would be adorable.
Or I wonder if instead of Harrison you would like Harris. It’s still a surname name, but it feels a little less surnamey without the -son.
I wonder if you would like Nicholas as an honor name for you, especially if you will be using your husband’s surname for the child, and especially if this will be your only child. (Or perhaps there is potential in your own birth surname, either as a first name or a middle name?) Nicholas feels similar to Benjamin/Theodore, in that it is enjoying a time in favor and yet I don’t feel like the popularity is enough to rule out such a great name—and it is quite a bit less-used than either Benjamin or Theodore. (According to the Social Security Administration, in 2021 the name Theodore was given to 9,535 new baby boys and was the 10th most popular name for boys; the name Benjamin was given to 11,791 new baby boys and was the 7th most popular; and the name Nicholas was given to 3,824 new baby boys and was the 92nd most popular. Two of my kids have names that were in the 30s of popularity in their birth years, and they have not had duplicates in their classrooms.)
I wonder if you would like August, for his birth month (assuming he is in fact born in that month). It feels special; people know how to spell and pronounce it; it’s not a nickname but does HAVE the enviable nickname Gus, or Augie.
Lastly, I know this pretty much flies in the face of other things I’ve been saying, but I was not always very enthusiastic about boy-name options, and found some peace in the idea of choosing a good, solid, useful name I felt warmly about, rather than trying to choose a name I LOVED. This was an idea that brought peace when I DIDN’T feel strongly about any of the names on the list, though, and may not work at all when you are disappointed that a name you DID feel strongly about is NOT on the list. Also, I can see how this might be a more difficult sell when you are choosing what might be THE ONLY NAME. I mention it just in case.
Oh: I said “Lastly” in the paragraph above, but actually I have one more thing: would you want to consider just PILING ON the names here? If there is any chance you may decide to have another child, I wouldn’t use ALLLLL the favorites—but isn’t it a little tempting to think of naming him Harrison Hugo Louis Simon Bern@rdi-without-the-I? Is there any sense in which you find the names increasing the value of each other as they pile up, so that you start to feel more enthusiastic about the pile of Decent names (plus your one dear name)?
I should also mention this anecdote: that when I was pregnant with our firstborn, I suggested a name that Paul absolutely vetoed. Under no circumstances, bad association, etc. When I was pregnant with our secondborn, I put that name back on my list, and it was among the dozen names I presented to Paul to choose from—and he chose it. And not only did he choose it, he said it was the only/best name on the list. Did I in that moment mention to him that it was the VERY NAME he had UTTERLY RULED OUT with the first pregnancy?? DID I HELL. I said, “Okay, if that’s what you like best, that works for me,” and wrote it down as The Name.
Name update:
Dear Swistle:
Following my letter to you, my husband and I narrowed our list down to three names: Simon, Harrison, and Hugo. My husband allowed Hugo to stay in the mix simply because I loved it so much.
Once we had our short list, we simply stopped talking names and planned to make the final call at the hospital, figuring we’d know the right choice when we met him.
Turns out babies don’t actually look like any name at all and it still took us 24 hours to make our decision. Hugo. I made the final call with my husband’s blessing.
I was surprised my husband came around from his previously adamant veto of Hugo, so I asked him about the change of heart. In the weeks leading up to our son’s birth, he said he had done a lot of thinking and couldn’t come up with anything better. My love of the name did win out for him in the end.
Thank you!
Nicole
