A. writes:

My husband and I are having a baby girl any day now. Early on, we realized we have zero similarities in name taste. We argued for weeks until finally he said I could name the baby and he would name the next one. After going through thousands of names, I became completely disenchanted and exhausted with names. Now, July 1st our baby is due, and I feel like I have given up. I hadn’t looked at names in weeks. Well, last week the name Alison came up from one of the original names that we had discussed. My husband likes it. I am fine with it, as it has a good meaning (noble birth) and it’s not weird or as common as Ava or Isabella. But, when we told family we were going to use it, they started saying, “How is Alison doing?” Everytime they say it, I cringe….that can’t be good..right? Names I liked before I got pregnant I don’t really care for anymore, and the very few names I did like either have awkward meanings (Azalea= dry flower) or have odd associations (Allegra= the allergy med). Her middle name is going to be Jean, because suddenly that’s what my husbands wants- after his great grandmother. Our last name sounds like ramble. I feel so upset that I can’t commit to a name and feel awkward every time I hear the name we have chosen. Other names I liked before ending up becoming bored with all names were: Alexandra,Allegra, Charlotte, Ada, Jane, and Ava. My husband liked Isabella, Lydia, Katrina, Erica and Natalie. We each disliked the other’s picks. If we have a boy he will more than likely be named Archer Phillip. But I don’t want to name my daughter something outdoorsy just because of her “possible future brother’s” outdoorsy name. Is it normal for me to feel the babies name doesn’t “fit” before she is even born?
Any sane, non emotional advice would be welcome.
Thanks!

Cringing whenever you hear the name Allison definitely seems like a bad sign—and yet I’m not sure what to suggest. “Disenchanted and exhausted” is a very good description of how you feel, and I don’t know if throwing more name suggestions at you (would you prefer Ellison? that would go nicely with the surname name Archer; or maybe Alice, for an updated sound?) is going to help. And yet I’m reluctant to reassure you: the level of dislike you’re feeling for the chosen name doesn’t sound to me like the usual cold feet. On the other hand, I remember how uncomfortable/awkward I felt with my kids’ names at first (I preferred to call them “the baby”), and I think the nurses at the hospital purposefully said the names a lot to help new parents get over that hurdle—so it’s hard to know where the line is between “It’s awkward at first” and “It doesn’t work.”

The first thing I think I’d do in your shoes is take away the “I’ll name this one, you name the next one” policy. I think that works great for some couples, but it doesn’t sound like it’s working well here. It also doesn’t sound as if it’s your turn, if your husband likes Allison but you’re cringing, and if your husband has chosen the middle name.

Or perhaps DON’T get rid of that policy, just make it your husband’s turn instead of yours? Actually, I think that might be what I’d advise trying as a first step: it would immediately take the pressure off of you. But do you think you could be happy with the name he chose, or do you think you’d continue to cringe and feel miserable in the long run, even if you got to choose the next child’s name?

It may be that in this case, you’ll have to work together. It sounds to me like you can’t do it on your own, and furthermore that you don’t want to. Also, I see a lot of overlap in your naming styles: I’d put Charlotte, Ava, and Isabella all on the same list; I’d put Ada, Jane, and Lydia together on another list; I’d put Alexandra, Katrina, Natalie, and Erica together on a third list.

It’s good to think ahead about sibling names to make sure you don’t choose something that, for example, rules out your top boy name in case you need it later. But I definitely wouldn’t worry about choosing something outdoorsy just because a future possible boy could be named Archer. For one thing, Archer can be considered outdoorsy, but it could also be considered a vocation name, a surname name, a fresh new name, an A name, etc. And I think it generally works fine to have a style gap between the boy names and the girl names in the family.

Would you be willing to drop the preference for a good meaning? If it’s a major priority, that’s something we can still work with—but this situation feels more desperate than that. Name meanings are for the most part as invented as the meanings of flowers and gemstones: names are names, and flowers are flowers, and gems are gems, whatever meaning a culture decides to attribute to them. Azalea means azalea, just as Ruby means ruby and Rose means rose; they also each mean “a combination of sounds used as an English-language name.” Alison is a diminutive of the name Alice; Alice is a variant of the German name Adelaide; the name Adelaide comes from the word “adal,” which means noble, plus the word “heid,” which means sort. (Source: The Oxford Dictionary of First Names.) But do the words “adal heid” and the name “Allison” have anything in common? I say no, which is why I generally dismiss baby name meanings as fun but unimportant.

Your naming styles really are quite similar. If you found you were arguing incessantly, it may be more a difference in discussion/negotiation/decision-making style rather than in naming style. One of the more common mistakes is for one parent to try to force the other parent to like a name, or try to argue that parent into liking it (“But you like Sophia! Why wouldn’t you like Fiona?? It’s practically the same sounds!!”). It might work better for the two of you to see if you can keep adding names to your respective lists until you stumble upon some overlap. Another method would be to use The Baby Name Wizard and look for STYLES you agree on, rather than individual names; then each of you make a list of the names you like in that style category and see if there are any duplicates.

Another exercise that sometimes works is looking at the lists and brainstorming similar names to see if both parents like any of them. “Similar” will vary considerably from one person to the next, but if it were my own list, it would start out like this:

Allegra
Arabella
Ella
Ella Grace
Ella Grey
Elle
Stella
Calla
Georgia
Gabriella
Alessandra
Lissandra
Alana
Anastasia
Elena
Eliana
Eliza
Ellery
Allison
Ellison
Emerson
Ellis
Alice
Annabel
Elise
Alessandra
Lissandra
Alyssa
Charlotte
Scarlet
Violet
Bridget
Margaret
Juliet
Greta
Colette
Harriet
Gretchen
Fern

…and so on. I wouldn’t stop too long to think about each name (“Is this REALLY similar to Allison?”), I’d just jot the names down as quickly as they occurred to me, and let each name lead me to the next name. When I ran out of steam, I’d start a new list for the next name one of you likes.

Andrea writes:

We are expecting our first baby in October and we know it is a wee gal. So far we have had a lot of fun picking out baby names and trying them out for weeks to see how they “fit” and roll off the tongue in our family. “You and ____ comfy over there?” “How are you and ___ today?” etc.

So far we have three names narrowed:
1. Gwen (Gwyneth, but we will likely call her Gwen)
2. Esme (No, I have not seen or read Twilight…though every person I mention this name to asks that question. I didn’t even know it was in a movie/story!)

…and the third, and probably our most favorite…also a family name = My grandpa’s:

3. Harvey

I love it. Harve.

So these are my questions:
1. Can Harvey really be used for a girl? I sure think so! But I’m curious to get your thoughts.

Also, my husband and I have different last names. I am Franzen, he is Goeppinger. Which combination do you like best?

1. Harvey Lillian
2. Harvey Mae

And with which last name?

If we choose Gwen or Esme it will be easy = Gwen Harvey and Esme Harvey. Easy!

Ok, thanks for your input!

Using the name Harvey for a girl would make a strong statement. Here are the questions I’d be considering very seriously before doing so:

1. Is it a statement you want to make?

2. Since your daughter will be the one carrying the name: is it a statement you want to make for someone else?

3. Is it a name you would want for yourself: introducing yourself, filling out paperwork, making doctor appointments, sending resumes?

4. What would your plan be for future sibling names to go with it?

5. Would you rather save it for a possible future son? It’s underused and distinctive for boys.

If you use it, I like your idea of giving her a strongly and clearly feminine middle name. Both options you mention seem good to me. I would choose based on which name I would prefer her to be called if she decided later to go by her middle name.

I like even better your idea of using Harvey as the middle name. There, it’s a fun, quirky honor name, and you could still use it as a family nickname to ask her if she’s comfy over there—but you and she can bring it out when you choose rather than having to deal with it in every situation.

It ruins the honor name aspect of it, but another option is Harley. Or Stevie, which doesn’t sound like a girl’s name to me but I think it must be regional because there are hundreds of them born each year. Other options that share sounds:

Avery
Charlotte/Charlie
Evie
Genevieve
Harlow(e)
Harper
Harriet
Ivy
Livia/Livvie
Minerva
Sylvie
Vienna
Vivian/Vivvie

My favorite is Minerva. I think it has the distinctive and unusual sound you’re looking for, but with far fewer issues. I would want to be named Minerva myself, even with the “Like Professor McGonagall?” issue. (Professor McGonagall is AWESOME.)

The last name issue seems separate. Is your plan to take it on a child-by-child basis and use whichever surname works better with each name you choose? Or are you making the decision now for all the children? Surname decisions seem philosophical to me, rather than which-sounds-better—though “We’re going to use whichever one sounds better for each child” IS a philosophical decision, if that’s what you’re choosing to do.

Let’s have two polls. The first will be about using Harvey for a girl. The second will let everyone choose among the three name candidates.

[yop_poll id=”17″]

[yop_poll id=”18″]

Ashley writes:

My husband and I just started trying to conceive our first baby, and I of course am obsessed with names. Our boy name – Wyatt Christopher – is set in stone and has been since before we married. Girl names however, are a totally different story.

My name is Ashley. Yes I am one of the thousands born in the late eighties. My entire life, I have never felt any sort of connection to my first name. But when you throw in my middle name, I finally feel apart from the sea of Ashley’s. My middle name is Brett, which is my father’s first name. Though I hated having a boy’s name as a child, as an adult I couldn’t be prouder to be named after my dad. Here’s where the issue begins; I want nothing more than to name my daughter after my dad and would even use Brett as her first name, but my husband can’t seem to get on board with that. He thinks the pattern my parents began should mean that our daughter is named after her father, not mine. His name is Jeff. No offense to my husband, but that so does not work as a sweet little girl’s name! His middle name (which he hates by the way) is Scott so he has taken it upon himself to suggest that as the middle name for every girl name I suggest. On some names it does work, but why would we give our child a name my husband doesn’t care for?

Ready for problem number two? I would also love to name my daughter after my great-grandmother but her name, Lois, is overused in my family and lets face it, is not very pretty. For the past four generations, Lois has been bequeathed to at least one woman born on my mom’s side of the family. I’d like to tweak the name so it’s pretty and works in combination with Brett.

Here are a few names I have come up with so far. I am hoping that you and your readers can help direct us to a few more! Oh, our last name is McCaslin, which fortunately flows beautifully with almost any name. I’ve had no luck coming up with a flowing, feminine middle name that would support Brett as first name. Hopefully you and your readers can!

*Eloisa Brett – hubs doesn’t like Eloisa, but loves my idea of Ello as a nickname
*Louisa Brett – I think I am falling in love with Lousia; it has great nicknames (Lou, Lola) and also honors my great-grandmother on my father’s side, whose middle name was Louise. The only caveat is my cousin chose this as her daughter’s middle name. But we only see that side of the family once every 5 years or so.
*Magnolia Brett – this one may be a stretch. My great-grandmother wore lotion that smelled like magnolia blossoms. However, I can’t seem to escape thinking Magnolia High-5 whenever I hear the name.
* I’ve also suggested Bretta and Brettly as variations on Brett, but neither my husband nor I really care for them. Plus Bretta sounds too much like berretta and barrette.
*Willa Brett – the hubs would name her Willa Scott in a heartbeat, but Willa Bee is probably the cutest nickname that has ever existed! It’s my current favorite.
*Viola Brett – I like Violet better, but the repetitive “t’s” are a little much
*Emma Brett – Emma is an absolute no way for my husband and is used by family and friends. I still like it though. Bummer.
*Mila Brett – like it, don’t love it
*Sofia or Zofia Brett – the only problem is my grandmother’s dog was named Sophie and my stepfather-in-law’s granddaughter is named this as well. Is Zofia (nickname Zo) a little too out there?
*Ara (AR-uh) Brett – Barbara is my mother-in-law’s name, so this one kind of pays tribute to her as well. But it doesn’t sound like it belongs in our little family.
*Seraphina Brett – Seraphina is a really old family name (she lived over 100 years ago) and I carried her wedding gloves in my bouquet when I got married. But my husband has a half sister named Sarah, and I think they may be too similar.

If it helps, I do envision our little girl being called by both her first and middle names. My father’s side of the family has always called me Ashley Brett and most likely would do the same for my and my father’s namesake. If Brett turns out to be her first name, I would call her by her first and middle name so that Brett sounds more feminine.

Isabella and Caitlin (or any of their variations) are names used by close family members and are therefore unusable. Likewise close friends used Kayla, Elizabeth, Cambree, Eyesly, Abigail, Audrey and Penelope so those are out of the picture too.

One last issue, then I swear I will let you and your lovely readers go! All honor names I suggest pay tribute to only my side of the family. Christopher, for example, is my brother’s name. But my husband doesn’t have strong relationships with his family. And quite frankly, it’d be a cold day in hell before I’d name my child after a few of his family members. My mother-in-law is already suggesting names (she doesn’t know we are TTC) and I can picture her being upset that her grandchild’s name has nothing to do with her side of the family. Have you or any of your readers dealt with a similar situation?

We plan on having at least two children. If we had a second son, his name would be Henry O’Connell (O’Connell is my mother’s maiden name). The plan is that if we had two boys, we’d try for a girl. If a third little boy came along, I would be awfully tempted to name him after my dad.

In summation, can you help me name my potential daughter for her grandfather? And for her great-great-grandmother? A tough task, I know. If I had to choose one honor name, I would choose Brett. While I’d like to use both, I can’t imagine a little daughter of mine not being named for my father. Thank you!

I will start by making a declaration, which is that your husband’s argument about your parents setting a pattern of naming girls after their fathers is invalid. There is no pattern here: there is only one single name, and that is not enough to be a pattern.

So then what we have is this: you would like to name your daughter after your father, and your husband says that he would like to name your daughter after himself. If you love your father’s name and your husband hates his own name, this doesn’t seem like much of a contest to me. Is it possible that your husband doesn’t want to name his daughter after your father, and so he’s proposing his own middle name as a way to illustrate to you how much he dislikes the idea? Or is it possible that although he dislikes his own name for himself or for a son, it suddenly sounds good to him as a girl’s name?

It is one of the problems pains exasperations challenges of naming a child with another parent that sometimes our great ideas don’t work out because the other parent doesn’t want to do it. I know you say you can’t imagine not naming your daughter after your father, but this is a joint decision. I’d be saying the same to your husband if he were pressuring you to name a daughter after someone from his side of the family, or to use any other name he felt strongly about but you disliked. I do hope he capitulates on this, because I think it’s a sweet idea and the name Brett feels feminine enough to use on a girl—but if he continues to be against it, you will have to let go of the idea, or else modify the idea (i.e., using your husband’s middle name instead to parallel your name instead of duplicating it, or using another boyish name unconnected to either side of the family) until he likes it too.

I decline to agree that the name Lois isn’t pretty. I think it’s an older name, and so it’s easy to hear it as Old Lady as opposed to hearing its actual sounds. If it’s been used in the Lois form for four generations, I’d be very reluctant to change it: the names that sound good now will just turn into the “not pretty” Old Lady names of the future, and meanwhile you’ll have lost some of the tradition. In fact, I’d expect Lois to come back into style sometime in the next generation, so you could end up changing it just in time to have it sound wonderful to you again, just like Louisa is sounding wonderful again.

I do think, though, that it doesn’t seem balanced to give a child two names from your side of the family (especially when your husband is already not on board with at least one of them), and I think it would put intense pressure on you to use names from your husband’s side next time. Since you’re hoping to have more than one child, and since you’d rather not use names from your husband’s side of the family, I suggest seeing if the two of you can agree that each child could have a middle name from your side of the family to balance having their father’s family surname (that is the way I’d suggest spinning it to your mother-in-law, too), and then choose a non-family first name together. I like how if you have two girls, each girl would have a middle name with a great naming story, instead of one girl having both. (Or if you use Lois O____ McCaslin for a future girl, your husband could use the nickname L.O./Ello.)

Since you say the Brett idea is more important to you than the Lois idea, I’d start by focusing on that. See if you can figure out what the issue is with your husband: does he not like the whole idea? does he not want to name a child after your father? does he like his own middle name as soon as he pictures it on a girl? would he be open to another boyish middle name instead? It seems like we need to know more of his thoughts on the issue to know what direction to go with this. You might have some luck giving him more sway with the first name in exchange for getting to use Brett as the middle name. Or perhaps all that’s needed is dropping the Lois idea for now, so that he doesn’t feel as if the entire name is your choice and your family names. Or perhaps the compromise could be that you use Brett for the first daughter’s middle name and Scott for the second daughter’s middle name. (Are there other family members who would qualify to keep the name Lois going?)

You’ve asked us to think of middle names that work with Brett as a first name, but I think that’s likely to be a dead end. The main issue is that your husband hasn’t even agreed to use Brett as a middle name, so it seems like a long shot as the first name. The secondary issue is that you say the name Wyatt is set in stone if you have a boy; I think using Brett for a girl could back you into a corner on this, either by ruling out Wyatt for a future boy or by making you feel as if all your children’s names need to have a double-T.

If it helps to sway Willa from Willa Scott to Willa Brett, I’ll say that Willa Scott made me think of Willard Scott. But it isn’t as if her playground peers will be bringing that up. (Some of their parents and grandparents and teachers might blink, though.)

E. writes:

My husband and I both love the name Jane. I not only love that it is elegant and timeless, but that it isn’t so popular that she’ll need to go by Jane R. through school. Our only issue is that it’s such a common middle name. When I was growing up, all the middle names were Ann, Elizabeth and Marie. When a name is used too often, I feel it loses it’s beauty and spark. We are on the fence about whether to give her a first name that people might find too plain and overused. What do you think?

We are looking for some longer middle names to offset the shortness of Jane. We seem to agree on a lot of E names. Some options are Jane Everly, Jane Emilia, Jane Emmeline. Our last name sounds like rustling.

Thank you for your help!

I think that when a name is used very commonly as a middle name, it gets an extra dose of freshness as a first name. Rose, for example, is one of the most common middle names of the current batch of little girls—and yet when Henry had a Rose in his preschool classroom, I was knocked back on my heels by how fresh and wonderful it sounded as a first name.

I think what happens is that when a name becomes extremely common as a middle name, it gets accidentally filed mentally under “Very Common Names”—instead of correctly under “Very Common Middle Names.” Parents pass the name by, thinking it’s overused—and yet when someone DOES use it as a first name, it suddenly appears in a new light. Anne, as a FIRST NAME! Rose, as a FIRST NAME! Jane, as a FIRST NAME! Oh, that’s DIFFERENT!

I do think you’ll keep encountering people who say with pleasure, “Oh, that’s my daughter’s/granddaughter’s/niece’s/sister’s middle name!” Will that weary/annoy you, or will it be pleasing? But almost every name has at least one potentially wearying/annoying element: if it’s not “Oh, yes, we know four girls with that name!,” it’s “Whoa, THAT’S a name you don’t hear often!” or “Wait, how do you spell that?” or “Oh, like the TV show?” Or else you have to keep saying “No, with a K, not a C” or “No, it’s AriAHna” or “It’s a family name.” It’s a matter of deciding which wearying/annoying element is most tolerable.

All of your middle name options seem great. I like the idea of using something frilly in the middle.

Kacie writes:

Long time reader here! My husband and I are expecting our 2nd child, a girl, in October. Our first born is Eli Schwarz. Our last name sounds like Ingamann- only starts with a E. Our dilemma is fairly simple and basically boils down to cold feet on my part! We have 2 names that we like and had been on our list the first time when we had our son. However now that we actually know its a girl, I am hesitant. My husband on the other hand is convinced!

His pick is Mills Margaret – Margaret being a family name and Mills just being a name we like the sound of. I knew a girl in childhood with this name and made the suggestion not knowing he would love it! I do love this name however I wonder if I will get the hairy eyeball from relatives and general public if I use this name because its fairly obscure. Also, Mills being surname in style and Eli more traditional and biblical. Is this an issue?

The second option is Isla Rae. We both like this name as well, however it has become the runner up because I felt like it sounded too similar to Eli. Now I’m reconsidering it because I think maybe this is a easier name for a little girl, as well as more socially acceptable.

Thoughts? Should we go with Mills because we like and hope everyone gets on board? Or the more traditional Isla even though her sibling is similar sounding Eli?

Thanks for your help!

The name Mills is very unusual: in 2012, the Social Security Administration reports there were 20 new baby boys named Mills; it’s not in the data base at all for girls that year. Because it’s so unusual, I do think part of the package deal of this name would be dealing with reactions—but surname names are in fashion right now, so many of the reactions may be quite positive. One option if you think the name would not go over well in your circle would be to use it as a nickname for Milly/Millie or Millicent or Camilla or Romilly or Amelia or Emeline. (Amelia and Emeline might be too similar to Eli.) Or you could name her Margaret Mills Ingamann and call her Mills.

I think in general it’s fine to have a style gap between the boy names and girl names in a family. Are you planning to have more children? I would want to think ahead to make sure I could think of a few good sister name options for a second girl.

I think Mills Margaret is a very appealing name, and Mills Margaret Ingamann sounds great to me. Mills Ingamann works somewhat less well: not only does it sound significantly less feminine without the Margaret, but also I get Milzinga Man—but maybe that doesn’t happen with the actual surname, or maybe you would often call her Mills Margaret (I find I immediately want to, because it’s so pleasing to say). And in general I think it’s not a deal-breaker if names merge a bit, as long as they don’t make a negative word or name: I think everyone just gets used to putting a tiny half-pause between the first name and the surname.

To my ear, Eli and Isla are too similar. When I say them out loud, they sound as if they’re mirror images of each other, even though they aren’t quite, and my tongue gets tangled. I also wonder again about future siblings, if you’re planning more children: it seems like after Eli and Isla, it would be hard to find a third name that was neither too similar nor too different.

M. writes:

Hello! I’ve been enjoying your site for sometime. I’ve been a name nerd since childhood and had great fun naming my 3 children with my husband. We are not currently expecting another, and honestly do not know if we’ll stop at 3 or try for a fourth (or more…). There is one thing that has come into my mind a great deal, though, when it comes to names. I haven’t seen this on your site (though I may have missed it) and I was wondering if your or your readers could offer insight.

All three of our children have different initials, that is different letters starting their names. None of them share an initial with my husband or I, which makes it easy when writing things down since there are 5 different letters to represent the 5 different people in our family. As much as my husband thinks this is silly, I’ve decided that should we add any more children we will keep with different first initials for this very purpose. We have another 21 letters available to us so that shouldn’t be a huge issue, right?

Beyond this, no one has a similar consonant sound (so no Philip and Fiona, no Cecil and Sarah, etc) AND none of the kids have a similar ending to their names, all different consonant and vowel sounds. So that’s where it gets a little tricky to me. I feel like it makes perfect sense to go with a different first initial for any future children, but given our children’s names now should we keep up the big differences? Not sharing a sound at beginning nor end? We have a hard C, does that do away with a K or Q name? Does the “-on” ending of one child’s name mean we probably shouldn’t use “-yn” or “-en” for another child’s name? Or is this just over stretching? Since we tend to fall toward unplanned nicknames anyway, should we just try to control the initial and let the rest fall into place?

Even if we kept up with strict differences, we still have a plethora of sounds available to us. We haven’t ended any name with and “-ee” sound yet, nor an “-el” or “-et” or “-er”. So the question isn’t really what to do with keeping these strict rules on our potential future child/ren’s names, but rather, should we be applying these rules to keep up with a precedent we seem to have set?

Thank you so much!

This sounds to me like a recipe for intense stress—and exponentially more of it with each additional child. If it would be a fun challenge to play around with, I say, “Sure! Go ahead and try!” But in general, I think the more children in a family, the MORE flexible the parents should be about names, rather than less. I touched on this a little in Preferences vs. Requirements. Here’s the section I’m thinking of:

With two or three children, I think it might be reasonable to want not to share any beginning sounds, any ending sounds, any dominant sounds, or any vowel sounds. With four children, I think it’s time to re-evaluate that for actual importance. A family of Leo, Asher, Simon, and Ivy does not make me think “OMG, they repeated the long-I sound!! Don’t they realize their children are INDIVIDUALS??” On the contrary, I’d think what a good job the family had done finding such completely different names that nevertheless went together well.

In my own family, I found it somewhat freeing: instead of thinking, “Hm, nothing seems to go PERFECTLY with the name Robert,” we were thinking each new name just needed not to stand out oddly from the group. Instead of feeling like any two names might go together too well and leave the third out, it felt like a larger group made differences/similarities blend in. Instead of feeling like we couldn’t repeat an ending, it seemed like it was far less noticeable and far more fine to do so. I even felt like we could go a bit off-style if we wanted: people seem to expect less sibling-name coordination in a larger group—and in fact, getting the names too coordinated makes it a lot harder to remember who’s who.

I did, however, want to keep different initials; it really is so, so convenient. (We do have one parent/child initial repeat, but that one doesn’t seem to matter.) But even with that, I would have been flexible for The Best Name: if two people DID share first initials, we could have switched to using TWO initials on things, and it wouldn’t have been a huge inconvenience.

I wouldn’t worry at all that you’ve set a precedent you now need to continue; I would be much more worried about the thousands of wonderful names you’d be eliminating from consideration. I am very, very interested in baby names, and yet I absolutely would not have looked at a family’s first three children’s names and thought, “Whoa, no matching endings or beginnings, and no similar consonant or vowel sounds? THAT’S going to be hard to keep going with if they have more kids!” It isn’t as if you’ve named your first three Brittany, Bradley, and Brinley, and want to know if you need to keep going with Br- and -y; the LACK of similarity is not something people will pick up on, or notice if you stop doing it.

But again, while it’s still FUN, it could be an interesting challenge. As soon as it stops being fun, though, I’d abandon the idea entirely.

Kristine writes:

Hi! My name is Kristine and my husbands name is Lawrence (everyone calls him Low). A friend just recently told me about you! I was very excited to see if I could get your input. I am currently 39 weeks pregnant (due date is June 13th) with my second child which is a boy. Our first child is a girl. Her name is Elianna Presley Norris and she is 19 months old. Our finalist names for our boy are Malaki, Mak (pronounced Mac) and Kingston. We cant decide if we like Malaki with the nickname Mak or just to go with the name Mak. As far as a middle name we were thinking of doing the other name we didnt choose or we really like Elias or Eliah. If our baby boy was another girl we really liked the names Larue, Penelope and Everlee. We do plan on having more children and most likely all close together.

When I say each combination aloud, I find Kingston Norris a little difficult to say: the -on of Kingston and the No- of Norris either blends or bounces. And Mak Norris seems a little bit like MacNorris and a little bit like Chuck Norris; I also wonder if a short nickname name like Mak would make you feel pressured to do the same for future boys. None of those seem like big/deal-breaker issues.

Still, my first choice would be Malaki (Mak) Norris: I like Malaki best with the surname, with the sibling name, and with the idea of future siblings to name.

I like Elias best of the two nickname options, but both options have a lot of sounds in common with Malaki. My favorite would be Malaki Kingston Norris: in the middle name position, the -on/No- comes up much less often.

Let’s have a poll to see what everyone else thinks!

[yop_poll id=”15″]

Jessica writes:

I hope you and your readers can help us. We have narrowed our list down to our final 2 – but my husband wants one name and I want another. We are due at the end of June, and I promise to send an update after she is born! This is our first child, and if it had been a boy our list included Hayes, Henry, Parker, Jack, and Wells. My top pick is Katherine (called Kate) and my husband’s is Charlotte (called by her full name). My husband’s argument is that Kate is so common and ordinary, and that it is much more used than Charlotte. I know that it is a common name, but I think Charlotte is currently more popular and also a little more trendy. We both like the other’s name, but we each feel strongly about our favorite. This will likely be our only child due to complications we have had.

Any input you can provide as a 3rd party is greatly appreciated. Especially regarding popularity, style, etc.

Thanks so much!

Comparing Charlotte to Kate is a little like comparing Henry to Jack: because one name of each pairing is used as a name AND a nickname, it can be hard to compare popularity—especially when we don’t know how many boys named John are being called Jack, and we don’t know how many girls named Katelyn or Katherine are being called Kate.

Let’s see if we can look a little closer anyway. The Social Security Administration reports that in 2012 the name Charlotte was given to 7418 new baby girls; it was the 19th most popular girl name in the United States, and it has increased in popularity every year since 1999.

Now for some Kate-based figures. Here are the number of new baby girls born in 2012 with each of these names:

Katherine: 3923
Katelyn: 2396
Kate: 1623
Katie: 1427
Kathryn: 1213
Katelynn: 732
Kathleen: 420
Katrina: 269
Katy: 164
Katerina: 154
Katharine: 106
Katelin: 65

This isn’t going to include everyone: there might be some Katias and Ekaterinas going by Kate, and I didn’t bother with unusual spellings such as Kati. And I didn’t even start in on the C’s: Catherine, Catelyn, Caitlin—those could all be going by Cait or Cate. But I think even this partial list gives us an idea of how things are. Looking just at the name Katherine, it was #64 in 2012 and falling somewhat in popularity. (The spelling Catherine is #167 and also falling.) The name Kate is #194 and I’m not sure what it’s doing; I suppose I’d call it “hovering,” except that it’s fluctuating more than that. It was mostly rising until 2009 when it started going up and down; that looks to me like uncertainty brought on by the appeal and fame of the royal Kate.

We are limited here primarily by the issue I mentioned earlier: we don’t know how many Katherines/Katelyns/etc. are going by Kate and how many aren’t. On the other hand, even without the information, we can see that Kate is a popular sound in the United States, and that comparing the 7418 Charlottes to the 1623 Kates or to the 3923 Katherines wouldn’t answer the question.

The actual answer is probably that both names are quite common right now. Charlotte is “spikier”: getting common in a way that’s sudden enough to be remarked upon. On the other hand, the name Kate is being repeatedly brought to our attention by current royalty, and may feel more common because of the recent popularity of the name Katelyn/Caitlin.

The more relevant answer is that it sounds like both names are out: you each feel strongly about your own favorite, and it’s hard to imagine either of you saying “Oh, I see—yes, mine is more ordinary/common/trendy, so let’s use yours.” I suggest taking both names off the list and looking for something new. It’s hard to come up with a list when we don’t have a surname to work with, but Charlotte makes me think of Violet, and Katherine/Kate makes me think of Margaret/Meg, and of Josephine/Josie/Jo; Kate alone makes me think of Kaye, Jill, Jane, Claire, and Rose. Or perhaps you’d like Vivian, Genevieve, Evelyn, Eleanor, Catlin, Clara, Phoebe, or Emeline.

M. writes:

Hi! My husband and I don’t seem to have trouble coming up with first names (at least not yet), but middle names are another issue. One of my greatest holdups is initials. Do they really matter? I love initials when they work out well (my mom’s name is Deborah and after she changed her name at marriage, her initials are DEB), but sometimes they are very unfortunate. Are they cause for teasing? If we otherwise like a name, should we let initials stop us from naming our child that?

We have decided on the name Cecilia if our next baby is a girl. I’m strongly leaning toward using the middle name Paloma. That would give the child the initials CPR though, because our last name is similar to Roberts. Is that an issue or am I over thinking the matter. My husband himself has medical lingo initials (DNR) which I don’t think much about, but CPR is a much more common acronym (and one that even young children might pick up on). I do have some “runner up” middle names, but none that my husband is completely sold on (he hasn’t offered any suggestions of his own). They include: Noelle, Rae, and Briseis. What do you think, should we stick with Paloma? Should we find another middle name that would make less obvious initials? Thanks!

Asking “Do initials matter?” is like asking “Is football fun to watch?” It’s a matter of opinion, and the answers are going to cover the entire spectrum from “I would never use any initials that spelled anything” to “I don’t even mind using the ones that spell swear words.”

My own location on the spectrum is that I won’t use initials that spell bad words or iffy words (for example, PEE, PIG, BRA); and I’d prefer to avoid initials spelling anything at all—but I can be flexible for the right name. That is, I’d prefer that the child’s initials not spell even benign words such as CUP or VCR, but I’d weigh my love of the name against my preference for not spelling words with initials, and it could go either way depending on my love for the particular name. This is also a good place for The Baby Name Wizard‘s test about whether you’d want the name for yourself: I definitely would not want the initials PEE, but CUP wouldn’t be so bad. (And I have a soft spot for nursery-theme-inspiring initials such as BEE, and nickname initials such as DEB.)

The initials CPR are benign or even positive, so I’d start by asking myself, “If other children learned of these initials, AND if they were familiar with that acronym, then what sort of teasing could they do?” I can’t really think of anything serious in this case. “Nyah, nyah, CPR, you…save the lives of millions. Nyah.” Perhaps there would be a little bit of “mouth to mouth” joking in middle school. That’s the worst I can think of, and that’s not so bad it would make me cross off the name.

If you decide the initials outweigh your love of the name Paloma, then the next option is to change the name to something else (and maybe get another chance to use Paloma for a future daughter):

Fiona
Imogen
Lola
Magnolia
Mariah
Naomi
Noemi
Nola
Ramona
Roma
Romy
Simone
Viola
Zola

I like Naomi and Ramona best for coming close to the sound of Paloma.

(Or of course you could change the first name, but it sounds like the first name is set and the middle is still flexible.)

T. writes:

I’ve been reading your blog for years, but never thought I’d write in since I had our names all picked out. We just found out yesterday that we are having a baby girl due in early November, and now that I actually have to commit to a name, I’m second-guessing our choice.

If this was a boy, his name would be Anderson James. James is my father and brother’s name. I think the name is strong and handsome, different enough but not obscure. Our last name is Smith. For a girl, a name that my husband and I have both loved for years has been Nola. I’ve hoped as each of our friends became pregnant that they wouldn’t use it so I could hang on to it. I’ll admit that when I mention it to family I get strange looks. Friends either love it or hate it. That doesn’t bother me too much since I would prefer a name that is not incredibly popular, but will it bother me once she is here? Is it so obscure that in a few years I won’t like the name anymore? I also have no idea which middle name I would choose for Nola.

Other names I like but my husband doesn’t (he only seems to like Nola and doesn’t understand why we are still having this discussion):

Fiona (love the long O in this and Nola)
Penelope (nickname Nell)
Georgina
Isla
Scarlett

I also love the name Charlotte, even though it’s popularity turns me off. It is my husband’s mother’s and grandmother’s name and the nickname options are very appealing to me. I would also consider this in the middle since I’d like to use a family name but I’m not sure it goes with Nola. My husband likes one-syllable middle names with Nola, such as Kate, Grace, Eve and Rose. Other family names we have (but don’t seem to work in the middle) are Frances, Antoinette, Diane, Kaye, Rafaela and Sofie.

We are open to additional name suggestions from your readers and really appreciate your help!

I think it’s normal to suddenly second-guess a name choice, especially when you find out something new about the baby: it’s one thing to say “This for a girl, this for a boy,” and another thing to KNOW it’s a girl so she WILL be that name. A short period of re-evaluation seems appropriate, and may happen again shortly before she’s born, and/or shortly after.

It doesn’t sound to me as if the agitation is anything more than that. You and your husband have both loved the name for years; it’s unlikely that it’s suddenly the wrong choice. And once she’s here in person, the odds are on you (and everyone else) liking the name more and more, not less.

The popularity of names such as Nora and Lila and Lola suggest to me that Nola will not be so obscure that you’ll get strange looks for long. Here’s the Social Security chart:

(screen shot from SSA.gov)

The little underlined “a” means the name wasn’t in the Top 1000 that year. The little a’s go back until 1964 when Nola was last in the Top 1000. From there back to 1880 (the first year for which there is data available online), the name Nola was in the Top 1000 every year—never getting very common, but always there.

Charlotte makes a wonderful middle name. I love the middle name position for names that are eliminated for reasons such as being too popular or starting with the wrong initial, so I’d already think it was a great choice for you—but then it’s ALSO a family name so that’s even more wonderful. Nola Charlotte Smith. Excellent choice.

I also think other names from your list work in the middle: Nola Diane Smith, Nola Kaye Smith, Nola Frances Smith. If Kaye is a good family name, and if you’d prefer to use a family name and your husband prefers a one-syllable middle, then Nola Kaye Smith seems like another excellent choice. I like that it lets you call her “Nola Kaye” if you want to (I’d want to).