Hello,
17 years ago I named my daughter Zoe Louise Loren-with-an-S. Zoe because we loved it, Louise as an honor name. Initially the name seemed a good fit, though by the time she was 12 she had begun to dislike it. For the last five years she has been in a phase where she thinks she isn’t a girl or boy, and wants to change her name to Merle to reflect that.
Obviously this isn’t your usual question style, but I’d like to help her pick a better name than Merle. For me, Merle conjures up images of great-grandfathers, and I can’t imagine it on my little girl. And with my own name being Andrea, I’m used to people thinking I’m male, and I don’t want her to go through the same problems. She doesn’t have a middle name picked out yet, and as her old one honored family, I’d like the new name to as well.
When we were first choosing her name, other candidates were Emily Louise and Michelle Rose. Neither of these seem to fit her these days, but I still love that style of name, and they have the advantage of being distinctly female. If she’d been a boy, we’d have named her James Martin. I don’t want her name to stick out among others her age, but she hates all the names popular in 1997.
I know I should let her make her own final choice, but Merle doesn’t seem like a good choice at all.

I think the first question is whether she’d like to have our help. If she’s decided on Merle, and that’s the name that feels right to her, then I think that’s that.

If she’s still in the decision-making process and would LIKE some input, then my opinion is that Merle could be a surprisingly successful choice. For people who are currently in the Parents generation or older, Merle is a grandfather or great-grandfather name: that means it is a candidate for a revival, and that it’s likely to sound pleasingly retro to her peers. Whether or not Merle WILL be revived (along with Earl and Vernon and Myrtle) is uncertain; we’ll find out when the current Kids generation starts having children.

The name Merle strikes me as more boy than unisex, though I can’t think of anyone I know of named Merle. I think I was thinking of Merv Griffin, and of the name Earl. I looked it up to see what its usage has been over the years:

1880: F 6, M 17
1890: F 68, M 26
1900: F 113, M 54
1910: F 138, M 100
1920: F 403, M 818
1930: F 237, M 711
1940: F 236, M 467
1950: F 141, M 395
1960: F 62, M 176
1970: F 18, M 131
1980: F 5, M 59
1990: F -, M 33
2000: F -, M 25
2010: F -, M 22

And in the most recent data from 2013:

2013: F -, M 15

So her selection is an interesting one, and interestingly well-selected for her age. She’s chosen something that would not have been used on a baby girl in her birth year, but something society may be ready to hear again. She’s found a name that was generally used more often for boys, but definitely experienced unisex usage (and in fact was used more often for girls for decades)—and is barely used at all for current babies. It’s a distinctive choice, but may communicate exactly what she wants it to: an assertively retro style, combined with a unisex-leaning-boy style, combined with a current usage rate that comes very close to uniqueness.

As to whether people might not know if she’s a boy or a girl, or might think her name is a boy’s name, that seems to be the very thing she’s going for.

When adults want to rename themselves, I generally recommend choosing a name from their approximate year of birth: I want to gently discourage 40-year-old women from naming themselves Isabella, for example. It’s a little different with a 17-year-old, for two reasons. The first is that she is still close enough to her birth year to have more leeway than someone older: a 17-year-old named Isabella would be a little unusual, but not shocking: just a bit ahead of the trend. (She’s also less likely to be perceived as trying to grab onto youthfulness, since at her age she’s more likely to be doing the opposite.)

The second reason is a little more delicate. In high school, people are making a lot of decisions about who they are and who they want to be. Not ONLY in high school, of course, but high school is famous for being a time to try things on and see how they fit. SOME of those try-ons/decisions are long-term/permanent, and serious/important/well-thought-out; others are…well, let’s not reflect too long on how I spelled my name Krystyn, wore black miniskirts with black boots and army jackets, and thought it was cute to talk really fast. I think it’s possible she will choose the name Merle and keep it for life, in which case this is a serious and personal decision she’s making and she’ll have to make the choice that feels right for her (with the hope that in time the name will seem right to you as well); I also think it’s possible she will try it on for awhile and then choose something else, in which case this is a temporary and fun decision she’s making, and it’ll be something to look back on with affectionate/cringing amusement, the way I now look back on my pink high-tops.

And there’s some blurriness here about jurisdiction: on one hand, of course she has the right to choose the name she wants; on the other hand, that was originally your exclusive right. We talk a lot here about how PARENTS get to choose the name (in the context of how GRANDPARENTS and FRIENDS do NOT), but what if you choose the name you love best, and the child disagrees? And then the child chooses something you would NEVER have chosen, and in fact dislike? That is hard, and you have my sympathy. I’m picturing some of the names I dislike, and picturing my children wanting me to call them by those names, and I am not feeling as laid-back about it as I may seem in my previous paragraphs. I can talk all I want about letting our kids make their own important life/identity decisions, but that doesn’t mean I’ll kick any less (mentally if not vocally) when it’s about ME and MY kid. You get credit for not getting huffy and offended that she wants to change it, and asking only about helping her make a choice that would be more appealing/appropriate.

I think it’s nice for a name change to involve the person’s parents to any extent possible, even if that’s a very small extent (such as nodding and pretending to consider the input)—because of the blurry jurisdiction thing, and because names can be such a personal and emotional gift from the parent to the child, and because people will naturally assume that the children’s names were the parents’ choice, and because I am empathizing here with the parental point of view and it’s an unusual situation for a parent to have to deal with. Even when the name-changer is a fully-grown adult, my suggestions generally include consulting the parents if possible. (I would not advise it, for example, with parents who would then be hugely offended that their suggestions were ignored, doubling the original issue.) Perhaps she could show you a list of the other names she feels are a good fit, and see if any of those are more to your tastes. Or this exercise could also show you that there was no point in working on it further: if for example her other options were all the same style as Merle, or of a style even LESS to your taste. Possible upside: if the other options are Magic, Butch, and Wilbur, for example, you may find it easier to warm to Merle.

Well. Let’s say she WOULD be interested in our input: ours as well as yours. I’ll assume this is a fun thing for her to consider and discuss, and that she has not yet declared that the decision is Merle. (If she HAS declared that it is Merle, I would say this is the stage of “the baby is named, the name has been announced,” and I would back off completely.)

My first advice would be to keep the middle name, since it’s an honor name. If she finds it too feminine, I’d suggest changing it to Louis or Lou. I wouldn’t worry very much about how it went with the new first name, especially if the new first name will not be a formal legal change at this time.

I notice that the names on your finalist list were heavy on the Z sound: Louise, Rose, James, Zoe. If I were advising her, I’d suggest seeing if there were any names she liked that also contained that sound.

I would next suggest she look for unisex versions of names on your finalist list, or unisex names that were similar in other ways (such as Zoe/Joe). Jamie is probably too dated for her tastes, and Marty not quite dated enough, but I wonder if she’d like Jo(e), or Lou (if she doesn’t keep the middle name).

I wonder if she’d like Gus? I went to school with a girl named Gus, short for Augusta. There are a lot of other retro nickname names used for boys or girls: Frankie, Billie, Benny, Freddie, Mattie, Johnny, Bertie, etc. Whenever a name has a male and a female version (Robert/Roberta, Albert/Alberta, Augustus/Augusta, Frederick/Fredericka), that can be a good place to look for a unisex nickname name.

I might suggest she consider Merrill instead of Merle: in the current culture, my guess is that she would encounter a more positive response to Merrill than to Merle. (That argument would not have swayed me, I don’t think, when I was using Krystyn instead of Kristen, but perhaps Merrill could be suggested just as a similar choice, without bringing what-other-people-think into it.)

A final thought is that the thing I remember about my own teenaged years is that the less my parents objected to a decision, the easier it was for me to change my mind about it later on.

Update (and photo!) on Baby Naming Issue: Aging Well!

Update (and photo!) on Name to Consider: Covington!

Swistle,

I would love it if you would give your input on my naming situation! We have a son, Carson John, and a daughter, Lilah Michelle. Carson shares a middle name with my husband, and Lilah shares one with me. We are expecting our third (and final) child in April 2015.

My concern is finding a name that blends well with the modern feel of Carson with the vintage type feel of Lilah. Carson is quite common where we live-Lilah is not. We did not find out the sex of the child, but for a boy we like have many more options than for a girl, so I really need help with girl names! For a boy, we like Reid, Owen, Blake, And Gavin.

For a girl, every name we consider seems to “fit” with either Carson or Lilah-not both. We considered Ava when Lilah was born, and would consider it again but I’m not sure I love it in the sibset. Others we have considered are:

Hallie/Halle
Sienna
Mia
Brielle

The middle name will likely be Elise to honor a family member, although we have considered Elise as a first name.

Our last name sounds like Mall-z-bee. We have to be careful about names that end in the ee sound, although mine does and it doesn’t bother me. I’m not sure it’s the ideal sound though.

I hope you can help us find a name to round out our sibset!

In general, I like the brother names to go together and the sister names to go together—even if there is a style gap between the two sets of names. So if you have one boy and one girl, and all your girl names seem to go either with your boy name or with your girl name, and all else is equal, my own preference would be to choose one of the ones that goes with your girl name.

Looking at your list, I think Ava goes very well with both Lilah and Carson. Hallie, too, seems to me to go well with both, but the combination of Lilah and Hallie is so L-heavy, especially with the L sound in your surname; it’s not enough for me to want to cross it off the list, but it’s enough for me to make a mark in the Con column. Sienna feels to me like a good fit with Carson but a mismatch with Lilah. I think Mia goes fine with both. Brielle seems like a good fit with Carson but quite modern next to Lilah. So if I were cutting down your list to meet my own preferences, I’d end up with:

Ava
Hallie
Mia

To add to the list, I might look at the time period when the name Lila/Lilah last peaked, which was the 1920s. Sifting through names such as Mildred, Betty, and Doris, this is the sort of thing I’m thinking of:

Audrey
Charlotte/Lottie
Clara
Eleanor
Emma
Eva
Evelyn
Grace
Hazel
Josephine/Josie
June
Louise
Mae
Rose
Ruby
Silvia
Vivian

Update on Baby Boy Campbell, Brother to Elizabeth (Liza), Wallace (Wally), and Amelia (Mia)!

Dear Swistle,

I know your blog focuses on baby names, but I love your advice and I thought I’d write to you anyway. I’m getting divorced in February, and in my state, one can change their name completely to whatever she wants as part of the divorce process. I’m strongly considering dropping my married name, but not quite sure I want to just go back to my maiden name. I’m looking for last name advice.

I have a weird first name, Nechama (rhymes with pajama, c is silent, unless you can easily say the gutteral ‘ch’, as in ‘chanakah’). I love my name-it means ‘small comfort in hard times’, which fits me, I think. I was named for my great grandmother. I’m constantly spelling it for people, correcting pronunciation, and otherwise dealing with the complexities of a weird name, but I wouldn’t change it.

My last name, however….. My maiden name is Weinberger, which is also weird, hard to spell, hard to pronounce, and doesn’t always fit on forms. I never liked having two difficult names, and used to wish that my last name was Jones or something like that when I was a kid.

When I got married, my soon to be ex husband pressured me into taking his name, Greenwood. While I wasn’t happy about changing my name on feminist grounds, I really did enjoy having a easy to say, easy to spell name to pair with my first name, and I still sort of like the sound of ‘Nechama Greenwood’. Our marriage and his family was not easy, including abuse, and as much as ‘Nechama Greenwood’ is aesthetically pleasing to me, I don’t think I want to carry their name going forward. Similarly, my family is pretty dysfunctional and has been really sort of awful about my divorce, and I don’t feel like it’s emotionally important to me to go back to a family name.

I’m leaning towards an entirely new last name, and I’d love advice.

Some things I like/what I’m going for:
-easy to say and spell
-on the short side, probably no more than 3 syllables, max
-distinctive (I’m a researcher and want to have a name that’s somewhat memorable,so that articles I write are more easily found and identified as mine, something that happens with Greenwood, but might not with a “Jones” “Smith” or “Freeman” type name)
-reflective of my Jewish heritage without making me sound religious (I’m an atheist, and concerned that my very Yiddish first name paired with another very Yiddish/Jewish last name would make me sound like a religious extremist)
-nature names (though I don’t want to sound like I play drums in the woods on the reg; I do not)
-names that reference female strength, friendship etc
-I sorta liked the initials NW, but I’m not married to this
-I also sorta like nouns as names, again as long as i don’t sound like I’m drumming up a storm in my yurt.
-needs to work with Dr, in that Dr. Greenwood sounds like a person who might teach your ‘intro to something boring’ class in college, but Dr. Strength sounds like a Bond villain or member of the X-Men, and Dr. Love sounds like a porn star.

Some things I want to avoid:
-With my weird first name, a lot of names I’ve thought of/friends have suggested sound like anime or cartoon characters (Nechama Wild: Avenging the world!), Hogworts professors (Nechama Nettles, the new potions teacher) or microbes (Nechama Forrest, a dangerous blight impacting old growth oak trees, causing their leaves to shrivel).
-too many new age vibes. I just can’t get up at a scientific conference and say “Hi, I’m Dr. Nechama CrystalWind FairyBreath, here to talk about my research…” Women in my field have to struggle to be taken seriously, which is a whole other topic I could also write you a very long letter about, but for naming’s sake, I do want to find something that commands as much respect as possible as a woman speaking to self-important men in suits.
-last names ending in a tend to sound bad with my first name

I’m sort of at a loss, and my divorce date is coming up soon, so i would really appreciate any help, advice or ideas.

Thank you very much,
Nechama

I enjoyed this letter very much. “Dr. Nechama CrystalWind FairyBreath”!

If your marriage/husband/in-laws held better associations for you, I might suggest shortening Greenwood to Green: it gives you a simple, short, dignified, nature-but-no-forest-drumming, noun-y, symbolic (green can symbolize newness, freshness) surname that would be distinct from your married name while not being completely new. (Wood might also be nice, and would give you the initials NW, but I think I’d get wearier of the puns.) But the mention of abuse makes me very hesitant to suggest any continuing tie to that family or family name.

I wonder if we could do something similar with your family’s surname. Weinberger could be shortened to Berg, which is not as pretty as Greenwood but is relatively simple and dignified. I think it might be fun to think of some iceberg-related symbolism to go with it.

I might salvage Forest from your list. It’s an interesting connection to Greenwood, and I think it sounds neutral-surname enough to avoid images of tree blight. Nechama Forest. Dr. Forest. Well, it does sound to me like a location, now that I write it out. Still, I’d keep it on the possibilities list for now. It sounds like a NICE location!

I also wonder about Pine. It has that nice tree connection; it’s simple; Dr. Pine sounds nice. It does sound a little bit like a variety of pine (Alberta Spruce, Douglas Fir, Nechama Pine), but again, I’d keep it on the possibilities list.

If I were in this situation, I think one thing that would be important to me would be a good explanation for the name. People don’t ask about my current surname every day, but it does come up fairly regularly: what country is it from, am I related to so-and-so, etc. When I was considering what to do with my surname at marriage, this entered into my decision: I found I didn’t want to answer, “Oh—no, my husband and I just chose that name when we got married.” I wanted the HISTORY—and I didn’t want to go up against the societal symbolisms and standards for surnames. I would have been okay with using a surname from higher up the branch of one of our family trees, however: I could have answered questions about that without feeling like I needed to say something I wouldn’t want to say (“We just liked the sound of it”). So that’s the next thing I’d suggest, especially since you mention wanting to reflect your Jewish heritage: is there anything else in your family tree you’d like to use? It might not be as aesthetically appealing as some of the other options, but it would have the compensating value of family and heritage—while getting a little distance from any current dysfunction.

Or are there other Jewish-heritage or non-Jewish-heritage names that would have meaning for you? People you admire, historical figures, important authors? For example, I would be a little tempted to use Martin after Judith Martin (Miss Manners), because I admire her so much. I might stay away from a name with such a strong association that I’d get asked about it frequently (“Brontë? As in the Brontë sisters?”), since that would bring us back to the part I’d want to avoid.

I wonder if you’d find this book useful: Baby Names Made Easy: The Complete Reverse-Dictionary of Baby Names. It has names sorted into categories such as Friendship, Strength, Nature, etc. The names are first names, but there are some that would work as surnames too. For example, under Friendship I found Alvin, which means “friend to elves.” Dr. Alvin doesn’t sound at all like Dr. Elf Friend, and yet, there it is, secretly! Or Winn means “friend” and gives you the initials NW (though Dr. Win is probably a bit much). Or Jordan! Religiously significant (I don’t know enough to know if this would be workable or not), but sounds neutrally name-y, too, and is easy to pronounce and spell. Nechama Jordan; Dr. Jordan.

My guess is that with your first name, even a very common surname will still give you an easily searchable/recognizable full name. Perhaps this would be a good opportunity to go for the Jones you once dreamed of!

Update on Baby Girl Alber, Sister to Charlie!

Update (and photo!) on Baby Boy Herman-with-an-S, Brother to Noah David!

Hi Swistle,

My boyfriend and I are expecting our baby boy within a couple weeks here! Due date is feb. 4th, but are most likely going to be induced before. And are still hesitant on a name. Last name “Grayler” but spelled a little differently.

So far we really like “C” names. Our top three are Chase, Crosby, and Carter. I really would like the middle name to be Maxwell, but am open for other suggestions that fit! Other names I have considered are Nolan and Gavin. For Nolan, I wasn’t sure if it was too “baby-like” and may not fit an older adult. As for Gavin, I wasn’t sure about two G’s- “Gavin Grayler”. We are a huge hockey family, both sides.

What do you think? Does the middle name Maxwell fit better for certain names? Does “Gavin Grayler” sound a little off with the two G’s?

Thank you!!!

Alliteration is a matter of taste: some people do it deliberately, and some people avoid it, and everyone else is somewhere in between. I don’t see anything wrong with Gavin Grayler if you like it.

Nolan doesn’t strike me as being baby-like at all. I haven’t known any adult Nolans yet, but I’d expect the name to work very well.

Of the names on your list, Nolan is my favorite with Maxwell. However, I think all of the names work fine with it: none of them strike me as NOT working with Maxwell.

My least favorite with your surname is Carter: the repeated -er with your surname sounds a little off to me. But this is another matter of taste: some people will like the way the repeated sound ties the two names together. I think I would prefer Carson: Carson Maxwell Grayler.

I also find I have a little trouble saying Crosby Grayler. I wonder if it’s the Cr/Gr? I think I would prefer Colby: Colby Maxwell Grayler. I also like Corbin Maxwell Grayler.

My top favorite of all the options is Nolan Maxwell Grayler.

Update (and photo!) on Baby Name to Discuss: Declan.