Update on Baby Naming Issue: When Do a Person’s Flaws Rule Out Using an Honor Name?

Hi there! We are expecting a baby boy in April. We’ve decided on the first name Miles, and our last name is Cline with a K. We also have a daughter named Parker. Our struggle is with middle names: our daughter’s middle name is Jane (a middle name she shares with her paternal grandma and great-grandma). Nothing sprang to mind for Miles’ middle name as far as someone we’d want to honor—both of our dads have first and middle names we’d rather not use. Then I remembered my dad is sometimes called by the nickname Jay, which was also his grandpa’s name. Miles Jay Cline has a nice ring to it, I think. But is it too similar to Jane? Does it really matter if siblings have close middle names? And this is me getting ahead of myself, but we plan to have a third, and I can almost guarantee we don’t have another one syllable J- name up our sleeves. Would it be strange to have two kids with similar J middle names and one without?

Thanks for your help, I absolutely love this blog and promise to send an update!

My own opinion is that middle name similarity is a non-issue. Middle names are rarely used or even known; and even when they ARE known, similarity doesn’t cause confusion. Think of your friends and extended family: how many of their middle names do you know? and would you care about middle-name compatibility within sibling groups, beyond a fleeting flicker of interest? I’m likely in the very top tier of baby name interest, and I don’t think I can remember any of my cousins’ middle names, let alone whether or not they coordinate; and I hardly know any of my friends’ middle names, let alone their siblings’ middle names.

I care even less about middle-name similarity when honor names are involved. If I have a grandmother Jean and a grandmother Jane, and I have two daughters and I want to honor a grandmother with each one, I’m not going to balk just because my grandmothers happened to have similar names. I wouldn’t do the same for FIRST names—but for middle names, it doesn’t matter to me at all.

Thinking ahead to the possible future third child, it continues to seem like a non-issue to me: just as I don’t think it matters if two middle names are similar, I don’t think it matters if a third middle name is different—and particularly when the first two middle names went to one boy and one girl. I feel pretty strongly about sibling-name compatibility for first names (though I make exceptions even there), but for middle names I feel the mental equivalent of a giant shrug.

I guess I do have SOME preferences for a general sort of middle name compatibility. I do care that all the siblings GET middle names (or all NOT get them, either way). I prefer the middle names to be of similar significance if possible—though some honor names are naturally a more significant honor than others, and everyone runs out of honor names they want to use at some point, so I’m more “everyone gets a good naming story” rather than “everybody gets an equally-ranked honor name.” But in MOST situations it doesn’t matter to me if the middle names match or clash in style or sound. (I added that “MOST” during proofreading, because I remembered a sibling group I know of where the siblings all have extremely unusual and interesting noun middle names; if the parents had done that for three of the four children and NOT done it for the fourth, I would have thought that was strange. I would not feel similarly in the case of your children’s sibling group.)

If you have a child with the middle name Jane and a child with the middle name Jay, it might be cute to have a a similar middle name for a third child, but I would feel zero pressure to do so if I were you. And in fact, I would advise against it: it feels to me that it would lessen the honor of the honor names to choose a third one-syllable J-name just to match.

Update on Baby Girl Murrie, Sister to Jack

Hi there,

Thanks for your awesome blog. Been reading it religiously lately it seems!

We are 6 weeks away from meeting our new babe and are struggling bad with a girls name. We are set on a boys name (Knox Warren) grandfather is Warren. For big sibs Nolan James and Nora Mae. Everyone keeps asking if we are going with another N which I don’t really think necessary at all, but more importantly would like it to flow with Nolan and Nora. Any thoughts would be truly appreciated! Last name ends in -enhouse.
Thank you!

Possibilities starting with N:

Nolan, Nora, and Nadia
Nolan, Nora, and Naomi
Nolan, Nora, and Nell
Nolan, Nora, and Nina
Nolan, Nora, and Noelle

Possibilities containing an N but not starting with N:

Nolan, Nora, and Fiona
Nolan, Nora, and Hannah
Nolan, Nora, and June
Nolan, Nora, and Lillian
Nolan, Nora, and Lina
Nolan, Nora, and Linnea
Nolan, Nora, and Maren
Nolan, Nora, and Simone

Other possibilities:

Nolan, Nora, and Alice
Nolan, Nora, and Celia
Nolan, Nora, and Claire
Nolan, Nora, and Claudia
Nolan, Nora, and Delia
Nolan, Nora, and Eliza
Nolan, Nora, and Eva
Nolan, Nora, and Greta
Nolan, Nora, and Iris
Nolan, Nora, and Lydia
Nolan, Nora, and Molly
Nolan, Nora, and Polly
Nolan, Nora, and Rose
Nolan, Nora, and Ruby
Nolan, Nora, and Stella
Nolan, Nora, and Willa

I would be considerably swayed by the possibility of future children. That is, if you’re stopping at three, then I would be likely vote for one of the N- names. But if you’re planning to have more than three children, I would be more likely to vote for taking this opportunity to veer off the N- path before it starts to feel like being painted into a corner.

Update on Baby Naming Issue: Is it Okay To Use a Difficult Maiden Name as the Baby’s Middle Name?

Update (and photo) on Baby Naming Issue: What Is the Etiquette Around Telling the Person You Want To Honor that You Plan To Use Her Name as the Baby’s Middle Name?

Update (and photo) on Twin Baby Girls DeMattia, Sisters to Evelyn

Update on Baby Naming Issue: Science/Scientist-Related Names for Girls

Update (and photo) on Baby Name to Discuss: Favorite Spelling of Mazie / Maisie / Maizie / Maisy

Hi Swistle!
I am a mom to three boys (Adam Charles, August John and Emmett Benjamin) and am due with our one and only baby girl in January. A surprise baby on all accounts, especially gender. You would think that we would have a whole list of names to choose from, but unfortunately we cannot agree on anything and I feel like it is hampering my ability to settle down and connect with this baby. All of my girl names from past lists sound tired to me now. We are looking for some fresh names for a fresh season of our lives. Our last name sounds like “Door-Dee”. If this were a little boy baby, I probably pick something more traditional (like our first-born’s Adam) to circle the wagons and bring the names back to classic. I always felt Emmett was an out there pick for us, but I do love it.
Our boys names are fairly traditional, old fashioned, and I love that style. But I am willing to venture to something new for the little girl. Our current top picks are: Marin, Blythe, and Sarah. I would love a name that is short, sweet, classic, but yet unique and stylish. Does such a name exist?
My worries with Marin are the spelling and pronunciation issues. I think I can get over those and stick to what I like about the name and the spelling I prefer. I just have a feeling that this name is lacking something. It feels slightly dull, and that worries me for being my top pick!! How does one become truly excited about a name?
The name Blythe is so lovely, but I am worried that it is too old fashioned sounding, even for us. In my mind I picture a young, creative, hipster….but I have a feeling that is not what others might think. I love that the name feels like a free spirit. Is it too much of a muddle in the mouth, and do these names flow well with my boys names?
The name Sarah leaves me feeling content, however my husband frowns that it is too popular of a name, as he knows so many. It gives me peace of mind to use a name that is classic sounding, but on the other hand I feel that we might be missing our one and only opportunity to have a more unique and special name for our daughter. Sarah seems to be an awkward middle name choice with any of our other first name choices.
Other first name contenders are Grace, Laura and Meryl. Grace and Laura are beautiful, but have been on my name list for seven years and are starting to look a little worn out. I like the idea of the name Meryl, but feel it is out of step with our boys names and sounds heavy to me. My husband loves the name Mae, but I just cannot wrap my head around having an August and a “Mae”. Perhaps as a middle name? I also love the name June, but again, two children with month names might be overdoing it! I think Elise could be a possible middle name for Marin (but it sounds so close to Alicia (a name on our no list)) that I cannot use it as a first name contender.
Here are our other desperate names that we picked in order to say we have a list:

Daisy (A D name with our last name sounds funny)
Claire (trendy)
Gwen
Heidi
Hilde
Hope
Mary
Paige
Sydney
Aubrey
Willow

I feel like we are directionless and need an intervention. My husband tends to pick trendy names like Ella or Emma and I frown at each suggestion. I love the name Meredith, but that is also the name of my dear friend, and I would feel awkward using it.

Other names that will not work for us include (mostly family names): Emily, Elizabeth, Beth, Hannah, Alice, Margaret, Marjorie, Annie, Rose, Lily, Eve, Mallory, Leah, Abigail or Alaina.
My boys middle names are all an honor name for a grandfather or their father. It would be nice to continue the middle name honor tradition, but my options feel much more limited (Ida, Myrtle, Beatrice, Josephine, Witt) and I am inclined to skip the honoring for the middle name. Which leaves the field wide open and very challenging for both the first and middle name and leaves me feeling lost.
We could sure use some help getting ourselves organized and in love with this name. I feel it would help me connect with this little baby girl who has turned my life upside down already. Can you help us find our perfect name? :)
Thank you so much!!

The name that came to mind as I read your letter was Clara, and then I saw Claire on your list. Clara Door-dee; Adam, August, Emmett, and Clara. Short, sweet, classic, stylish. Rhymes with Sarah, but less common overall.

I see you have Claire marked as trendy, and so I think we should talk for a moment about the difference between trendy and popular. It can be a very fuzzy line, or more like a Venn diagram with one circle for popular overlapping another circle of trendy. In fact, I’m not even sure I can quite define it, but I can say where a particular name falls for me, and for me Claire can certainly be popular but would never be trendy. Well, I shouldn’t say never: I can see getting to a name where there are a ton of Claire-like names all in style at the same time, and then I might admit it was a trendy sound. But right now, it is just barely in the Top 50 (#49 in 2017 according to the Social Security Administration), and I would not call it trendy. The name Clara was #96 in 2017.

I would like to strongly encourage you to use an honor middle name for your daughter as you did with all of your sons. There can be a perception in our culture that boy names are important and that male names are important to hand down, but that girl names are less important and that female names are less important to hand down. Even if that doesn’t reflect the way you feel about it, I would want to avoid the appearance of it. And I think those are fabulous honor names to choose from, especially Beatrice and Josephine; let’s see what works with various first-name suggestions. I love Clara Josephine.

I wonder if you would like the name Claudia? It’s a name I would have liked to use except that Paul once had a girlfriend with that name. It’s established but interesting, and I’ve never met one in person. I like the way it repeats the D sound in your surname. Claudia Door-dee; Adam, August, Emmett, and Claudia. I like Claudia Josephine best, but I also like Claudia Beatrice and Claudia Witt.

Or Celeste. Celeste Door-dee; Adam, August, Emmett, and Celeste. Celeste Josephine, Celeste Witt.

Or Camille. (I seem to be stuck in the C section.) Camille Door-dee; Adam, August, Emmett, and Camille. Short, sweet, unusual. I like Camille Josephine; I’m finding Josephine a very flexible middle name.

Jane gives you some of the sound of June, without the months thing being an issue. And I think it’s such a great name. Jane Door-dee; Adam, August, Emmett, and Jane.

Or Jean is sounding fresh to me again. Jean Door-dee; Adam, August, Emmett, and Jean.

Lynn is a name I’d like to see come back into more regular usage. I suspect it got overused as a middle name so then everyone felt as if they’d heard the name a million times—and yet I know very few Lynns in real life, and no children named Lynn. Lynn Door-dee; Adam, August, Emmett, and Lynn. Lynn Beatrice, Lynn Josephine.

Or Laine is similar but a more contemporary sound. Laine Door-dee; Adam, August, Emmett, and Laine. Laine Beatrice, Laine Josephine.

Or Brynn. Brynn Door-dee; Adam, August, Emmett, and Brynn.

Kay is similar to May/Mae but avoids the months issue. And I think it’s charming with your surname. Kay Door-dee; Adam, August, Emmett, and Kay.

Pearl would be pretty and unusual, while still being familiar and classic. Pearl Door-dee; Adam, August, Emmett, and Pearl. Pearl Josephine.

I love the name Ivy. Ivy Door-dee; Adam, August, Emmett, and Ivy. I like to say those names together. Ivy Josephine gives me huge heart-eyes. I want you to use this name. I will try not to lean on it too hard.