Dear Swistle,

I’ve been following your blog for years and now that my spouse and I are expecting our first and (probably) only child in January, I finally have something to write to you about! We have already chosen a name that we love and my question has more to do with how to clearly and concisely announce our intentions for name/nickname usage and preference in a birth announcement.

The name that we have chosen is Meredith Price Smith. Price is my middle name and my mother’s last name, Smith is my husband’s last name, and Meredith was my husband’s grandmother’s first name.

While I do like the name Meredith in general, it isn’t a name that I would have chosen if I were having this baby alone. My family does not have a tradition of honor names (if anything we avoid them, especially first names) but honor names are a HUGE DEAL in my spouse’s family and I’m happy to participate. What makes the name Meredith even sweeter for me is that so far, my spouse’s father’s side of the family has been honored with names on multiple occasions, both boys and girls, but my lovely mother in law’s family has not been honored once. Her mother (the original Meredith) died when she was quite young and by all accounts was a wonderful woman that I am happy to name our child after.

My question is this: although I enjoy the name Meredith for all of the previously mentioned reasons, we are hoping that our baby will be exclusively called Eddie (pronounced like the nn for Edward) on a day to day basis with Meredith being reserved for things like passport applications and graduation ceremonies. My spouse and I both love this nickname and understand that there may be the occasional raised eyebrow or mix-up. We are fine with this. I don’t mind if someone, especially someone from my spouse’s family, calls the baby by their full name, but I am hoping that in general it will be understood that her name for most intents and purposes is Eddie. We plan to gently remind people that we speak to in person that the baby’s name is Eddie, yes like Edward, but short for Meredith, etc. if they default to Meredith. The prospect of these reminders doesn’t bother us at all.

I feel that the best way of sharing these intentions right from the start is with the birth announcement, both in print via the mail and on Facebook and other social media platforms. I want to avoid being overly direct (ex: “We are going to call the baby Eddie” or “Please call her Eddie”) but I want to be as clear as possible while still sharing their full name.

My first thought is something like this:

Meredith (Eddie) Price Smith was born on XX at XX weighing XX, etc.

or

Meredith “Eddie” Price Smith was born on XX at XX weighing XX, etc.

or

Meredith Price Smith (Eddie) was born on XX at XX weighing XX, etc.

Is this too ambiguous given that Eddie is not a common nickname for Meredith and may even be perceived as a second middle name or additional last name? My spouse and I have different last names and it’s possible that a distant relative or friend would assume that “Eddie” was my last name if they didn’t know me well.

Another thought is to do the announcement something like this:

Meredith Price Smith was born on XX at XX weighing XX. Eddie is doing well and is enjoying a short rest in the hospital before heading home, etc.

Does this make it clear enough that Eddie is even the baby? I can imagine some of my older relatives seeing this and thinking, “Who the heck is Eddie and why is he in the hospital with them?!” The Facebook comments alone would be a headache to say the least.

What are your thoughts on this? What is the clearest way to explain that we would like to use an unusual nickname as their primary day-to-day name without being too direct or throwing off the style of the announcement? We mostly want to avoid confusion and concern on the part of our family and friends and are less concerned about having our objectively unique naming choice strictly honored.

Thanks for your help!
The Smith Family

I don’t think you should avoid being direct. Given how many emails we get from parents struggling to get relatives/friends to use even a mainstream chosen nickname, or to use the full name instead of a nickname, I think the birth announcement is your perfect opportunity to make things very, very clear to everyone right at the start. This may also help reduce the number of times you have to carefully and repeatedly explain the whole thing to people in the early days when you might rather be spending your time enjoying your new baby and/or managing to achieve a shower.

If what you want to end up with is a traditional birth announcement you can frame, I might suggest making the birth announcement simple/standard (I would put the nickname as you do in your first two examples, but in quotes AND parentheses), and including a separate piece of paper with the whole explanation. (Or I wonder if some services would allow you to put text on the BACK of the announcement, so the front would be traditional and the back would lay out the whole story?) But otherwise, I wouldn’t worry about throwing off the style of the announcement, and my inclination would be to instead lean way into the whole thing. This is the kind of thing I am imagining:

HELLO, BABY!
Meredith (“Eddie”) Price Smith
birth date, birth time
birth weight, birth length
We’re calling her Eddie!
Yes, just like the nickname for Edward!
We’re only using Meredith for passport applications and graduation ceremonies and this birth announcement!
We did want you to know her legal given name for the record, but from now on we’re all going to call her Eddie!

One reason I suggest this approach is this: I think a fair amount of stubbornness and the related annoying behaviors (such as exaggerated incredulity and/or pretending not to be able to remember the nickname) come from Not Getting It. People know it’s rude to challenge parents about their name choices, so when they don’t understand what’s going on, they divert confusion into resistance. Having it all laid out for them makes them less likely to even want to resist—but if they DO want to resist, it makes it impossible for them to pretend they’re not doing it on purpose.

On the other hand, you say you don’t at all mind the prospect of lots of corrections/explanations. And what you’ve asked for is something clear but also CONCISE, which my sample above certainly is not. And also, when I was proof-reading later on, and I came to my first example, I wasn’t sure I liked it as much as I did when I was feeling the full impact of my second cup of coffee. And so for all those reasons, I might instead do it like this:

HELLO, BABY!
Meredith (“Eddie”) Price Smith
birth date, birth time
birth weight, birth length
[Mother’s name] and Baby Eddie are doing well!

And then as you speak to each person, you are ready with your prepared cheerful explanation. I do think you’ll have to do many more corrections of people deferring to the name Meredith, but I am charmed by your willingness to do so.

It might further help to include a few more pictures of the baby (which would be delightful ANYWAY, even if we weren’t trying to solve anything here), each one carefully labeled: “Eddie wearing her hat!” “Eddie and her daddy!” etc.

Dear Swistle,

My husband and I currently have 4 children, and while I’m not pregnant yet, we’re actively trying for #5. If we’re blessed with a girl her name will most likely be Eleanor. Our current daughters are Evelyn, Annabel, and Amelia.

We don’t shy away from popular names (clearly), but I have to LOVE the name. Girl names are very easy for us to love. Evelyn was named years before she was born, even before my husband and I got married! I’ve loved Annabel since I was young and Amelia was my husband’s second favorite girl name. We joke that if we have 20 girls we would love every single name!

My son’s name is David. We didn’t have a name for him while I was pregnant and he didn’t get named until he was 24 hours old. (He’s Child #3. Had he been a girl he would have been Amelia.) He’s named for my husband’s father. The name was never on my list. In my hormonal state I agreed when my husband countered every name I gave him with, “but what about David?” After seeing the tears of joy in my father-in-laws eyes when my husband introduced them, there was no going back. It took me 6 months to get used to the name. He’s now 3 and while it’s his name, I still don’t love it.

On to my question. One of my favorite boy names is Matthew. I just love the way it sounds and enjoy the nn Matt. It would be the perfect name, but it’s my husband’s name, my brother’s name, and David’s middle name. Would it be too weird to also have another Matthew? He wouldn’t be a Junior because he wouldn’t have my husband’s full name. The middle name would be either Henry or William, neither of which are options for first names. Would he be a II?

The boy name we had for Amelia was Elijah. I still like it, but when I mention it to the two oldest their response is, “but that’s a girl name!”

Thanks a bunch!
Rachel

I have three things to say.

First is that I was going along thinking that was not too many Matthews, and then I reached a tipping point and thought no, that’s too many Matthews. The tipping point happened when you mentioned that it is also the middle name of the child whose first name you had to struggle to like, and whose first name you still don’t love. I think he should get to have Matthew, and not have to share the only part of his name you love with his younger brother. (If you did use Matthew DifferentMiddle, he would not be a II: II, like Junior, is used only if all the names are exactly the same.)

Second is that the children are wrong, and Elijah is a boy name. We can make this a teaching moment for them. “What? No: while some names do change in usage over time, and so we don’t usually say that a name is ‘a boy name’ or ‘a girl name,’ Elijah has been used almost exclusively for boys for thousands of years. You may be thinking of similar-sounding names used for girls, such as Eliza.”

Third is that with any future babies, your husband may NEVER AGAIN do his “But what about ____?” name-pushing/countering technique, ESPECIALLY not right after you’ve given birth. I’m serious: NEVER AGAIN. I will come over there and deal with him myself if need be. That was a jerk strategy, and the fact that it worked may encourage him to try it again. Furthermore, I vote that if you have another boy, the name is your choice and, ideally, consists of two names that bring tears of joy on YOUR side of the family this time.

Hi Swistle,

Very long time listener, first time caller. I thought I would never need your help considering both my children are named and we are done having children. However, I have a conundrum that I accept is absolutely all my fault but of course that does not stop me wanting to fix it.

I have two lovely children, a three year old son, George, and a three month old daughter, Nell. It is Nell’s name that has caused my problem.

I have been a big fan of baby names for years and years and have always firmly believed that names should give you Options if possible. It always frustrated me that my cousin just had a diminutive as her first name (like Katie for Katherine) as I think it has the potential to look unprofessional on important documents i.e. someone may think you are putting your nickname on your resume.

For this reason, and others, we named Nell Eleanor with the intention that she would be Nell day to day and have Eleanor, or any one of its many nicknames, as another option when she was old enough to choose for herself.

Of course intentions and what comes to pass in the real world are not always the same thing. As you have likely guessed there are many people who call her Eleanor. Now obviously I like the name Eleanor but for some reason it really grates me when people address Nell as Eleanor. To me she is Nell through and through and Eleanor is just there as a legal formality.

I have tried my best to address this in a indirect way. For example, when my mother in law asks how Eleanor is I respond that Nell is doing well. I only use Nell when talking about her although will explain that Nell is short for Eleanor if people ask (it doesn’t seem to be an intuitive nickname for many people). Her birth announcement has a giant “NELL” in the corner with her full legal name in smaller letters.

None of this seems to change anything. I do get the feeling that some people prefer Eleanor to Nell but as she is not their child I don’t really take much notice of that.

I suggested changing her legal name to Nell to my partner but he shot that down immediately. Is there anything else I can do?

Help me Swistle, you’re my only hope.

Clare

I think everything is going to be fine. I think we can figure this out, and that it’s going to be fine.

I think we need to go into it with the full realization that it can be a little delicate to find the wording for “Please don’t call our baby by the name we gave her.” You have a perfect right to make the request; you have a perfect right to prefer the nickname. But from what I remember of when my first child was a toddler and my second child was a few months old, there are some hills there is not enough sleep for—and time is going to take care of a lot of this for us anyway.

For one thing, right now the baby is New! and her name is New! and everyone is getting used to her as a person and a presence. I remember especially with my firstborn, how weird it felt in the beginning to use his name at all; we kept calling him “the baby.” With all my babies, their names were something to adjust to; it took time for the names to feel familiar and natural. As time goes on and you consistently and persistently call the baby/toddler/child “Nell,” I believe that name is going to Sink In, and the incidences of people calling her Eleanor will be much less frequent. But right now some people are having a lot of fun saying it: pairing a formal professional grown-up name with a squeezy cranky newborn is one of the great joys in life. I believe that thrill will gradually cede to the increasing feeling that the child IS Nell, and people won’t even feel the urge to call her Eleanor anymore.

In the meantime, if you have the energy for it, you can use Miss Manners’s technique of repeating the same hint in the same cheery way until everyone does what you want out of sheer boredom at the repetition. The subtlety of responding to “How is Eleanor?” with “Nell is doing great” is not getting the job done, and so we level up: “How is Eleanor?” “Oh, we’re calling her Nell. She’s doing great!” The next day: “I’m sending the cutest little jammies for Eleanor!” “Oh, remember, we’re calling her Nell. I can’t wait to see the jammies!” The next level up from that is “Please call her Nell. I can’t wait to see the jammies!” The next level up from there is “Mom, we’ve been clear that we want her to be called Nell. What’s going on here?” Or you might decide instead to not level up at all, knowing that time will take care of most of them and soon almost everyone will use Nell whether they meant to or not, and you won’t have had to do all that work.

The answer to “But Eleanor is her NAME!” is “Oh, I know! But we’re not using it right now; we’re calling her Nell.” The answer to “But I LOVE the name Eleanor!” is “Oh, I know! But we’re not using it right now; we’re calling her Nell.” And/or you might decide to allow people to attempt to continue to call her Eleanor (I think most of them won’t succeed long-term), because it can be nice for everyone involved when someone has multiple options for their name. My own name is Kristen, NEVER called Kris—except by one set of grandparents and one aunt. I didn’t want to be called Kris in general, but I liked my grandparents and my aunt calling me Kris.

If it were me in your shoes, I would feel comfortable saying to my mom with affectionate exasperation “MOM!! JUST CALL HER NELL!! I am not getting enough sleep for this!!” But I would not have been able to pull that off with my in-laws, and would have wanted Paul to handle them. I can picture him saying “Nell” “Nell” “Nell” as a little auto-correction every time his parents said Eleanor.

“We’re sending Eleanor…”
“Nell.”
“…the cutest little pajamas! Is Eleanor…”
“Nell.”
“…sleeping any better these days?”

And so on. Paul is good at taking something like that and making it cute and funny, so pretty soon everyone would have been laughing at each correction, and multiple people would start chiming in on each correction (chorus: “NELL!!”), and then he’d post pictures of the baby on Facebook with captions like “Call me IshmaeNELL.” Is your partner by any chance a good-natured Paul-type who can take some of this on?

But really, I do think you can let time fix most of this. I could be absolutely wrong about that, and of course the baby herself might choose to be called Eleanor (or Ellie or Nora) later on; but I think for now, consistently calling her Nell is going to take care of most of this, and I am in favor of sparing yourself as many stressful add-on activities as possible during this impossible stage of parenthood. (The first four months of the second baby was the hardest stage of my entire life, and I include the stage of bringing home twin babies four years later, and the stage of bringing home a newborn when the twins weren’t quite two years old.)

(Related post: We Want Our Son Called By a Nickname, But Someone Keeps Using His Given Name.)

Hi. Quick question sorry itS probably an old one but I cannot wrap my head around it! So I’m Luigi Giuseppe II, dad is Peter, great grandfather was Sr. And his son, my grandfather, was Jr. As I understand it my parents originally named me III then back peddled at my grandmothers’ insistence, and pulled one “stick” back and named me Luigi Giuseppe II, because a generation had been skipped. Now both Sr. And Jr. have passed, I’m now having a son (after having 3 amazing daughters!!) and I want to get the name right! At first I thought he would be Luigi Giuseppe III but that doesn’t seem right since he would actually be the IV with the name (my great grandfather, grandfather, myself, and himself) Was I named wrong? If so I’ll go through the necessary changes to be III and name my son IV??? Any and all help appreciated!! Baby due In May, very excited but want to be definitive about name before we tell friends and family! Thanks!!

Numerical suffixes are a botched and botchy system, and people have been botching them for so long that at this point it’s tempting to throw up one’s hands and say “DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, WHO CARES.” Except I do NOT throw up my hands, because I do in fact care.

Your parents were in a tricky situation with your name. It’s true that “II” is used when the baby is named the exact same complete name as anyone NOT its parent. (It has nothing to do with skipping a generation: the distinction is parent vs. non-parent.) But in this case, the person whose exact same complete name they gave you was someone who was already a Jr.! And that’s a little tricky! Because after the very specific Sr./Jr. situation, in which we use those terms ONLY in a parent/child relationship, everything is all numbers EITHER WAY: no more parent/child requirement! So let’s say you had been named for your uncle who was not a Jr., and you were correctly suffixed as II; and then your brother named his baby after you: your nephew could correctly be suffixed III. Because once we get into the numbers, no one cares the way they do about Sr./Jr.

So. On one hand, we could say that your parents “should have” named you Luigi Giuseppe III, because you were named for a Jr., and so you were the third member of your family line with that name. They certainly would have been correct to do so, and your grandmother was incorrect that skipping a generation made a difference. (She was probably thinking of the rule that you can’t skip a generation between a Sr. and a Jr.) And then your son would have been Luigi Giuseppe IV.

However. Your parents did not name you Luigi Giuseppe III. They named you Luigi Giuseppe II. Correct or less-correct (using II in your case was not incorrect, just less typical), that is the name you have lived with your entire life, including through the birth of three daughters. I suppose you could change your name at this point in order to change your son’s suffix, but is that something important/valuable to do? My understanding is that most people with numerical suffixes feel very possessive about them, especially if I mention that Miss Manners says that anyone who is not a pope or a king should be shifting their suffixes as earlier holders of the name die off (that is, you would now be Sr., and your son would be a Jr.); or if I mention that in the United States, the Social Security Administration does not consider suffixes part of the legal name. Every time I do a post about suffixes, I have to delete a steady trickle of comments (continuing to come in even YEARS AND YEARS later) from men ranting at me about how important their suffixes are, and how proud they are of them, and how absolutely vital to their identities the suffixes are. Sometimes the same man will comment again and again, flailing wildly like a bird against a window in his desperation to explain to me that he IS his suffix. So it surprises me a little to hear you being willing to change yours at this stage of life, in order to make your son’s suffix bigger.

You are allowed to change your name if you want to, and you are allowed to call your son Luigi Giuseppe IV without having to prove to anyone that the suffix is correct. But it feels wrong to me. Changing your name just because you’re now having a son feels Off in a way I’m having trouble putting a finger on. My own opinion is that the best solution is to keep the name you’ve had all your life, and name your son Luigi Giuseppe III. (Assuming the child’s other parent is completely and enthusiastically on board with the idea of continuing this tradition from your side of the family.)

Update on Baby Boy Lox-with-an-F, Brother to Harlow and Violet

Update on Baby Naming Issue: Hyphenated Middle Names

Hi Swistle,

I am pregnant with my sixth (and last) child. My other kids’ names are Boston Striker, Scarlett Elsie, Isla Libby, Raider Cannon, and Miller Gibson. For eight long years we’ve had the name Hazel Maisie picked out if we ever got to have another girl. However, after all these years, I feel like the shine has faded on Hazel for me. I still love Maisie, and in my mind we have called this baby Hazy Maze for years. But I just feel like I can’t commit to Hazel anymore, and while I like Hazy for a nickname, I don’t like it as her legal name.

Other names I’ve loved for a girl are Anne (Anne of Green Gables) and Rose for my grandfather who raised and bred award winning roses. But I never used them because they didn’t match my other girls and it was hard to break with what we had going. (Here is where my crazy hangs out. All my kids have a 2-2-3 syllable name. The girls have first names that can’t be shortened and the “ee” sound ending for their middle names.)

I recently heard the name Navy for a baby girl and I fell in love. I think it is so sweet. And my grandmother, whom I provide end of life care for, wore Navy perfume my entire life. It seems a sweet honor toward her, especially since she hates her name and would be furious if we used her actual name as an honor name. We are now talking about Navy Rose to honor both grandparents and I love it, I love it so much I can’t stand it. But I feel like it is too unique. And it doesn’t match my other kids’ names at all in rhythm.

Also, I’ve always felt like there is a fine line between fun and unusual, and American Gladiator names from Saturday morning after cartoons. So much so, that I have extreme name regret over Raider’s name. I feel like we crossed that line. When he was about a year old, I tried to talk my husband into changing it to Rider. Just dropping the A would have been an easy change for a baby and would have given him a more common name. I worry about his future trying to get a job and being taken seriously. However, my husband was a hard no. He insisted the name fit him and it was fine. The name does fit him perfectly, but I still worry about it. Especially with all the jokes you see about unusual names these days. And now I’m considering naming my child Navy Rose!? Am I just walking Millenial cliche?!

So I guess I need reassurance. Is Navy Rose too ridiculous? Does it sound like a cartoon name? I can’t have name regret twice.

Thanks for your input from a mom with 8 years of name regret.

I don’t think the name Navy is ridiculous, but two things make me hesitate in this particular situation:

1. The noun middle name Rose, which emphasizes the adjective sound of Navy and I think is what could give it that fairytale/comics feeling.

2. A sister named Scarlett, which gives you two color names in the same sibling group. (I’d feel similarly about the name Hazel, though to a lesser degree because the name itself is more familiar as a name.)

I don’t think either of those things is a giant deal-breaking issue, especially with a name you love so much you can’t stand it, but they’re the kind of thing I’d want to have thought of ahead of time rather than afterward.

If possible, and I realize such things are not always possible (and I might not myself find it possible), I think you should see if you can let go of the impulse to match things such as syllable-counts and “ee” sounds in middle names. These are things that absolutely no one will notice, and it’s hard enough to choose a sixth name without sweating the small stuff. Besides, Scarlett can be shortened to Lettie, and Navy already has an ee-sound. But if you must have two syllables and an ee-sound in the middle name, you could use Rosie. (I am not fond of that with Navy, though, because of the repeating ee-sounds.)

Another option is to use Navy as the middle name. It has the right number of syllables and it has an ee-sound. You wouldn’t want to do Hazel Navy, would you? That might freshen up Hazel for you. It is two color names—but again, I find that less noticeable when we’re leading with Hazel. But you did say you can’t commit to Hazel anymore, so I think what I would do in your shoes is start experimentally looking for more first names you like, and see if you like any of them with Navy as the middle name. Fiona Navy, Clara Navy, Stella Navy, Bridget Navy, Mirren Navy, Cleo Navy, Louise Navy, etc. And then if nothing holds a candle to Navy Rose, go right ahead and use it.

My husband’s name is Benjamin. My name is Rachel. Our last name is Gannon. We have 1 daughter, Chloe Hazel. She is 3. I am currently expecting our second.

We did not find out the sex with Chloe Hazel and were happily surprised when she was born. With baby #2, we originally planned to also wait – but accidentally found out a few weeks ago that we’re having another girl (tech at our ultrasound made a mistake!) We haven’t shared this news yet with family or friends but we are 99% settled on naming this baby Abigail Elizabeth (both family names).

If it had been a boy, my husband is enamored with the idea of a namesake and would love to have a junior: Benjamin Clark Gannon Jr. I’m relatively neutral on the namesake topic but want to be respectful of my husband’s strong feelings on it. So, I’d say Benjamin Jr. would be our male name contender, if we weren’t having Abigail.

I am writing to you because we (Knock on wood!) would love to have 4 kids eventually. I came from a larger family and loved growing up in a full house.

My husband has one older brother. BIL and his wife are also pregnant, with their first baby, a boy. That found out that they were expecting a few weeks before we realized that Abigail was on the way. They just announced to our entire family (and all of Facebook!??) that they plan to name their son Ben Clark Gannon.

They never mentioned this name would be an honor name for my husband in any way. They chose the first name to it honor my SIL’s uncle, apparently. And used Clark because it’s a family middle name – no issue there! (About 90% of all males on my husband’s family’s side share it). And my husband and his brother share the same last name obviously — Gannon.

BIL didn’t discuss this with my husband and has actually avoided the topic entirely since making it known through the family grapevine and Facebook.

My husband is upset.

No one else in his family thinks it’s a big deal. They don’t understand why he’s upset. Mostly because BIL is planning to name the baby Ben, not Benjamin. (FYI…My husband goes by both names — Benjamin/Ben — within all circles of his life – professionally, in the family, with friends.)

Meanwhile, every friend that we’ve told is shocked and thinks it’s really strange. However – it’s so hard to tell if that’s a result of us essentially asking our echo chamber for feedback. I understand that we could be being petty and we may be in the wrong. (Who knows!?!)

For the record, my husband *did* tell BIL that this name choice bothers him, after the news circulated to us, specifically because he’d like to use it for a son of his own. (If we have a son one day. I know it’s a big if!) No change occurred after this heart to heart. I’d say BIL and my husband are relatively close. No deep animosity besides normal sibling stuff – this situation is the most trying thing I’ve witnessed them navigate in our 7 years together. So it’s not like his long lost or estranged brother surfaced on Facebook to announce he was expecting/naming the kid my Husband’s name. (If that matters!)

We also still haven’t announced our child’s sex – and conceivably could linger, waiting to share it upon birth. But that feels *really* crazy and manipulative. We’re obviously not having a boy. BIL has confirmed the sex of their baby boy. Drawing this out won’t help. And I am not down for any type of asshole move to keep the name to ourselves…just cant tell if waiting to share the sex would cause fewer problems or more problems with this situation…or be totally unrelated.

Only thing I do know is that there’s no predicting what could happen in the future with regards to us having more children — yet we still feel slightly shafted! And we can’t tell if we have the right to feel that — and if so — what the hell to do about it!? Meanwhile, my husband is starting a campaign to convince me to name our daughter Benjamin… ha.

Help!!!!

Thanks,
Rachel

We can fill the comments section with outrage over this, and talk extensively about what should or should not be happening; and, if it helps at all, I do think this is an extremely odd thing for your brother-in-law and sister-in-law to do. But after reading the letter through twice, and seeing that you have already done all the things that can be done here, I think I can pare the post itself down to the bare minimum: They’re going to name their child Ben, so now what will you do if you have a boy?

And since you are having a girl, I say skip it all for now. Just…skip it. You’re pregnant and you don’t need this stress, and you can’t do anything else about it now anyway. Later on, in a future pregnancy, after you have found out you are having a boy, then you can revisit the entire thing and see how you feel THEN. There are no decisions left at all that need to be made NOW; everything that needs to be done (husband telling brother how he feels, husband telling brother he intends to use the name for a junior) has already been done. This entire thing can be postponed until later, and may never even be applicable, so it is a prime opportunity for that expression I can’t quite remember about not borrowing trouble from tomorrow when today has so much trouble of its own. This FEELS like today’s trouble, but it’s actually tomorrow’s—and maybe never’s.

If you were planning to share the news of the sex of your baby before the birth, then go ahead; if you would have preferred to keep it a surprise until the birth as originally planned, then continue to keep it a surprise; but I am strongly in support of your inclination to avoid tying that decision into this current name drama. By the same measure, I don’t think you need to feel obligated to share the sex of the baby before the birth just because of this situation; it sounds like you’ve known the sex for several weeks and hadn’t shared yet even before all this other stuff happened, so don’t feel FORCED to share it just to relieve the squirm aspect. You could let your brother-in-law and sister-in-law know privately, if you thought they were squirming and wanted to be particularly generous to them—but I don’t think that’s necessary if you’d been planning to wait until the birth, especially since I’m not hearing any evidence that they ARE squirming.

Hi Swistle,

I’m expecting my 4th child early next year and need some name help!

My children are: Anna (girl), Ethan (boy-twin), and Evan (boy-twin). Need help with new baby boy names. Our last name is similar to Hegarty.

My husband and I both love the name Andrew, but I can’t get over the fact it is too close to Anna. I feel like I’ll constantly be confusing and combining their names, but my husband doesn’t think they are too close at all.

We also both like the name Owen, and is what I’m leaning towards because of our above conundrum. We’d like to try to stick with the vowel theme and want to avoid another “E” name.

Thoughts?

Thanks so much,
Maria

I generally try, when giving opinions, to make it clear from the wording/attitude that I know they’re OPINIONS: name stuff is so subjective, and I want to make sure we reflect that here.

That said, your husband is wrong, and Anna and Andrew are noticeably close, and the potential nicknames Annie and Andy are noticeably close (and the pairing makes me think of Raggedy Ann and Andy). On the other hand, the fact that ALL the names on your list are very close (Anna/Andrew, Evan/Ethan/Owen), and you don’t have ANY that aren’t very close, tells me that you LIKE names that are close—so I think you could make the deliberate choice to lean into this. I think it would please people the way matching twin names please people, or the way a family with all matching initials pleases people: it’s kind of FUN. (And Raggedy Ann and Andy is a positive association for me, and an ancient one for current children.)

Is this likely to be your last child? If this is it, then I say go ahead and do another vowel/similar name, either Andrew (linking to Anna’s name) or Owen (linking to the twins). I like the way the name Andrew makes two sets of linked names (Anna/Andrew and Evan/Ethan), and gives all the kids an -an-. I like the way Owen links all the boys, and also I am finding Annie and Andy bothers me a little even though I don’t usually mind nickname similarities.

But if you’re going to keep having more children, I think choosing either Andrew or Owen paints you into a very difficult corner for next time, and I would look for ways to break things up a little this time.

A vowel theme feels too subtle and not fun enough to be worth eliminating so many good names starting with consonants (especially if you’re ruling out using any more E names), but if a vowel name is important, then I recommend the name Oliver. It adds a new syllable count and a lot of new sounds. Anna, Ethan, Evan, and Oliver. I’m not sure I like it with the surname, though.

After that, we’re kind of stuck with A names: the I- and O- and U- names are too uncommon (Ulysses, Orion) for this sibling group, or else way too similar even for leaning into it (Ian, Ivan).

Aaron. It gives you two A names and two E names, and it leans into the similar sounds, but it brings in a new consonant and avoids duplicating the first half of Anna’s name. Anna, Ethan, Evan, and Aaron.

Or Aidan. Two A names; all three boys have -an; but there’s a new consonant and we’re not duplicating Anna’s first syllable. Anna, Ethan, Evan, and Aidan.

Adam feels too similar in sound to Anna when I say them aloud, and I find I get them tangled. Abel and Abram are nice, but seem too unusual alongside Ethan and Evan. I love the names Albert and Alfred and Arlo, but they don’t seem right here. Angus repeats the first two letters of Anna, but with a totally different sound, which makes it less noticeable than with Andrew or Anton. I considered Asher, but I’m finding I don’t like the repeating -er with the surname. Adrian, maybe? Too unisex?

Or Alec? Anna, Ethan, Evan, and Alec. Hm. I like that.

August? Anna, Ethan, Evan, and August. Maybe.

I think my own favorites here are Aidan, Aaron, and Alec.

Dear Swistle,

I’m due in two months with a second daughter. My first daughter is Eleanor Blue Berryhill (our blueberry girl) who goes by Ellie but we also sometimes call her Elle or Ellie Blue.

My husband and I picked that name out over a decade ago when we were just dating. Naming our second has taken most of this pregnancy and we still can’t land anywhere for certain. My husband was dead set on Freja/Freya because of his Scandinavian heritage but I couldn’t do it. I’m a third grade teacher and, though it is a pretty SOUNDING name, the look is just too unusual for me especially because he preferred the spelling with the j.

We are liking Mia (pronounced mee-uh) but need help with the middle name.

My husband loves Mia Black Berryhill. I love the name Mia Black because it sounds badass but as a full name, not paired with our last name. I cannot name both of my kids types of berries.

I do kind of like the idea of having a subtle color theme with both the girls. I suggested the names Violet or Ruby. My husband wasn’t hot on either.

So far I like:

Mia Jean (a family name but also because of Hermione Jean Granger.)
Mia Eileen (my sister’s middle name)
Mia Caroline

I love the name or middle name May/Mae but again, it rolls right into Berryhill. May Berryhill sounds like an homage to the Andy Griffith Show, right? No thanks.

I’m not a particularly indecisive person so all this waffling is quite annoying to me. I’d love to have a name set so I can have the chunk of my brain that’s always thinking about it freed up!

Thanks for any help!

I’m missing the reason why you can’t use berry names for both kids. I’d understand wanting to avoid berry references entirely for all the kids in the family; and I’d understand if you thought the berry thing was terrific and wanted to do it again but didn’t like Straw or Black or Rasp or Boysen or Logan or Huckle or Cran as names and so now felt stuck coming up with something as cute/namelike as Blue; but I don’t understand leaning into the name Eleanor Blue, and then loving the name Mia Black for many reasons but thinking “We went for a berry thing ONCE, but absolutely CANNOT with it a second time.”

I do think I’d at least hesitate before using Black as the specific berry-referencing name. It’s so archetypally iffy to begin with, and then the contrast with the sister name is additionally iffy: Ellie Blue sounds so sweet and good, and then Mia Black sounds, as you say, badass. In a picture book, Ellie Blue is wearing a gingham dress with matching hair bows, and standing in a field of daisies with her little berry-picking basket and maybe a fluffy lamb gamboling nearby; Mia Black is wearing a leather jumpsuit with matching sunglasses, and sword-fighting in space with lightning bolts and shooting stars just everywhere. It feels unfair to one sister, though I’m not sure which sister it feels unfair to. I guess it’s that it seems unfair to both, by assigning roles.

If you are set on avoiding berries a second time, I advise looking for something approximately as distinctive as the wordplay you went with the first time, especially since it sounds like you bring up that wordplay frequently with “Ellie Blue” and “our blueberry girl” and so forth. I am not sure what I’d be looking for if I weren’t going with berries, but something distinctive enough to feel an equivalent amount of special. Mia Hermione works well for this, I think; Mia Jean is nice but not enough: I love Hermione but didn’t remember her middle name was Jean.

Mia Mae also works for me: I’m not catching the difference between “Blue Berryhill / blueberry YES PLEASE!” and “Mae Berryhill / Mayberry NO THANKS.” They seem like similarly appealing wordplay to me, with pleasingly parallel nicknames of Ellie Blue and Mia Mae. I would in fact lean hard toward this idea: wordplay both times, but DIFFERENT, so you’re not boxed in if you have more kids.

I like your idea of at least doing a color theme, if you don’t want to do berries or Griffith show; it’s much less distinctive than the Blue Berry thing, but it’s something, and it lets you act as if colors was the plan all along and the berry thing was a coincidence. Violet and Ruby are very nice choices; there’s also Garnet, Olive, Scarlet, Coral, Silver, Teal, Lilac, Emerald, Lavender, Grey, Jade, Sage, Amethyst. (Rose feels too common a middle name to work as a color name here.)

The name Freya hit the Top 1000 in the U.S. in 2013 and has been rising rapidly since then; in 2018, it was #266.

(image from https://www.ssa.gov/OACT/babynames/)

I think it’s completely usable already, and will be increasingly familiar as your kids grow up. I even think the Freja spelling would work, if you’re willing to deal with the minor but steady hassle of it. It’s a nice short name to spell, and “It’s the Norwegian spelling” is such a nice easy explanation. On the other hand, if you’re already using your husband’s family surname, perhaps there could be a search for first names representing your family’s heritage for balance.

Name update:

Here is Mia Wren Berryhill with big sister Eleanor (Ellie) Blue!