Category Archives: Uncategorized

Names that Are Gender Neutral Leaning Masculine

42 Replies

Hi Swistle,

I am writing at the request of my cousin, who has a non-baby but still-naming question, if you’d be open to assisting. My cousin’s name is Trudy with a J, but they are non-binary and are looking for a name that suits them better. They have been using Jay as an interim solution and are planning to use it as a middle name going forward, so the letter J does not otherwise need to be honored. They have also considered Jude as a first name, but are concerned it doesn’t feel different enough from Trudy with a J.

Generally, Trudy likes names that are gender neutral leaning masculine and has a strong preference for a name that is able to be shortened to a nickname. The current frontrunner is Ryan (with the nickname “Ry”). Names they like but don’t feel quite right include: Wyatt, Evan, Emery, Cole, Dylan, Clarke, Austin, August, Ray/Rae, Wilder, Brennan, Teagan, and Leo.

More broadly they like Y sounds like in Ryan, E sounds like Evan and Emery, L sounds, and R sounds. They also like the idea of a nature-related name like Sage.

We are hoping you might have some additional suggestions or other thoughts!

Best,
Decca with a B and Cousin Trudy with a J

 

I instantly seize upon the idea of using Jude. It meets the preference for a name that is gender-neutral-leaning-masculine. It’s similar to the given name, in a way that would make it a fairly easy switch, not that that’s our primary goal, and in fact it sounds like the goal is to make a bigger change, so I understand if this is actually a con rather than a pro. It also doesn’t meet the preference for a nickname (though J. would still work—or J.J. with the middle initial). Still, this reminds me of when parents pick of their family surnames as a joint/new-family surname, and then it happens that the OTHER parent’s surname makes a great first name for one of their kids: it’s just so nice when it works out so easily/nicely, and it’s not common for it to do so, which makes me want to GRAB it when it’s available. In this case, it seems fairly rare that the given name would yield such a lovely unisex alternative so easily, and so my inclination is to leap on it. But! I am picking up from the letter that this idea is the kind of idea that seems perfect on paper but is not clicking in real life, so I will lend my support to it in case it is still an option, but otherwise we will move on to other possibilities.

You don’t mention your cousin’s age, but one thing that feels important to me when choosing a new name is to choose something age-appropriate. The name Wilder is what made me think of it: it’s a name that was virtually unused as a first name until the last decade or so. Encountering it on a grown adult would be startling and might invite unwelcome follow-up questions (“Wow! How did your parents choose that?”). But this is my own preference: some people would prefer to have a name doesn’t draw attention / start conversations, and others don’t mind and/or would even like the attention/conversations.

Another issue I like to consider is how easy the name change is to announce/explain, and I expect there would be a wide range of preferences on this, which is one reason it’s good to think it over ahead of time. If I imagine changing my name from Kristen to Kris or Christian, both of those feel fairly simple and undramatic, which is what my own preference would be; if I imagine changing my name to Panther or Sterling, those feel more difficult, and well outside my preference for causing a stir/reaction. But others wouldn’t mind the challenge or the reaction, and/or would even like it.

Ryan is a terrific option. The usage is definitely neutral-leaning-masculine, and it would suit a wide range of ages. Ry seems less like a nickname and more like a pet name (I think of nicknames as something you could write on a name tag or school paper, like “Sam” or “Charlie,” while a pet name is something someone might call you verbally or in a text, such as “Em” or “T”), but the important thing is that it satisfies their own definition of a nickname.

I am noticing as I look for more name/nickname combinations that a lot of names with nicknames tend to have pretty gendered usage, and it’s the NICKNAMES that tend to be gender-neutral—which is the wrong way around for what we’re looking for. Nicky can be for everyone, but Nicole is used only for girls and Nicholas only for boys; Alex can be for everyone, but Alexandra is used only for girls and Alexander only for boys; Sam can be for everyone, but Samantha is used only for girls and Samuel only for boys; Charlie can be for everyone, but Charlotte is used only for girls and Charles only for boys; Lou can be for everyone, but Louise/Louisa are only used for girls and Louis only for boys.

And gender-neutral given names tend not to have nicknames (Lee, Drew, Casey, Grey, Sage, Lane, Riley, Reece, Rory, Quinn, Avery, Teagan), or else have nicknames that feel gender-specific: for example, Emerson can be used for anyone, but Emmie feels feminine; Elliott can be used for anyone, but Ellie and Lottie feel feminine; Hollis can be used for anyone, but Holly feels feminine.

There are exceptions, of course, it’s just that they’re harder to find. Cameron is a pretty perfect example: the name itself is gender-neutral, and so is the nickname Cam. Alex is gender-neutral; the nickname Al leans masculine. Finley is gender-neutral leaning somewhat feminine (though I would have thought leaning masculine if I hadn’t just looked up the numbers); the nickname Finn leans masculine. Campbell is gender-neutral; the nickname Camp is more masculine, the nickname Cam neutral, the nicknames Cammie/Bell/Bella feminine. Micah is gender-neutral-leaning-much-more-masculine; the nickname Mike leans much-more-masculine. Callan is gender-neutral-leaning-much-more-masculine; the nickname Cal is gender-neutral-leaning-more-masculine. Parker is gender-neutral; the nickname Park is also gender-neutral (and kind of nature-y!). Skyler is gender-neutral; the nickname Sky is also gender-neutral (and kind of nature-y!).

Let’s let Park/Sky segue us into finding more nature-y options. …Actually, I’m not finding much. Nature names such as Fern and Meadow and Willow are used overwhelmingly for girls, while nature names such as Forest and Jasper and Stone are used overwhelmingly for boys, to the point that none of them feel gender-neutral. River, perhaps: that one is gender-neutral-leaning-masculine; no good nickname, though. Ocean is gender-neutral; again, no good nickname. Perhaps Laken with the nickname Lake? Larkin with the nickname Lark? Cedar—but no good nickname. Fielding? That feels like a reach.

This is the point where, when I am helping parents name a baby, I start to wonder if the reason they’re struggling is the same reason I’m struggling: that the preferences are working against each other. That is: it may be that if we look at the field of names that are neutral-leaning masculine AND have a good nickname, we will have given ourselves too tiny of a list to work with, and that’s why we’re stuck. Nicknames tend to go with more gender-specific names; gender-neutral names tend to be less likely to have nicknames. Nature names tend to lean feminine and tend not to have nicknames. Etc. Sometimes the next step is to rank those preferences to see which are most important (and/or identify which preferences seem to be eliminating otherwise-loved names most problematically)—and possibly eliminate a preference altogether, if necessary to get to the names we love and want to use.

Sometimes this can be resolved by loosening/modifying a preference rather than eliminating it: e.g., expanding the definition of “nickname,” which your cousin has already done by allowing Ryan/Ry. Perhaps this expansion would include initial nicknames, such as R.J. and E.J. and so forth? Having the middle name Jay makes this beautifully easy.

Or I wonder if a surname name is the way to go here? A LOT of those are gender-neutral, and many maintain a gender-neutral feeling even if actual usage tips one way or the other. And if there is a good relationship with the family, it may be possible/pleasant to pull a surname from the family tree. Here are some other surname candidates (including a few already mentioned):

Alcott/Al
Alder/Al
Ashton/Ash
Barrett/Bear/Barry/Rett
Beckett/Beck/Bex
Blakely/Blake
Callahan/Cal
Callan/Cal
Campbell/Cam/Camp
Colby/Cole
Elliot
Ellis
Finley/Fin
Gibson/Gib/Gibs
Holland/Hol
Hollis/Hol
Keller/Kel/Kells
Merrit
Miller/Mills
Percy
Perry
Quincy/Quin
Reilly

One of our favorite tests around here is “the Starbucks test,” which is where you order a coffee (or anything where you have to give your name) and tell the barista the name you’re considering: Ryan, or Lake, or Miller. It gives a perfect low-investment opportunity to try on a name: see how it feels to say it, see how it feels to perhaps have to repeat/spell it, etc. In a pandemic, this may not work as well—but perhaps SOON, and/or perhaps in the meantime for take-out orders!

Baby Girl or Boy, Sibling to Ethan and Sophia

20 Replies

Hi Swistle,

My husband and I are expecting our 3rd child, and we don’t know the gender. We’ve essentially agreed on Eliana for a girl, but for a boy I’m torn between 2 names- Nicholas and Benjamin.

Our first two children are Ethan Justin (Justin after my husband) and Sophia Grace.

I loved these names because of their sound but also because of their meaning. Ethan “strong” and Justin “righteous” and Sophia “wise” and Grace “graceful”.

So I have a strong and righteous boy and a wise and graceful girl and it fits both of them perfectly. Now with number 3 we are a little more established, but and I love that Nicholas means “victory of the people”, and I like that it can go with middle name John (after my Dad).

Benjamin is my husbands first choice, and I have to admit it has really grown on me. It seems to flow better with the name of our other kids.
What I don’t like is it’s meaning “son of the right hand” or “son of old age”. Also, I don’t want his initials to be BJ so I wouldn’t use John for a middle name. Most likely I’d use Alexander.

I’d like to know what you think of when you think of these two names and experiences with people with these names.

Thanks very much

 

What I think is that name meanings are fun the way horoscopes are fun. I always look up the meanings of names I’m considering for my own children, just as I look up their zodiac signs once they’re born—but I don’t think of it as something that Actually Signifies anything, and I wouldn’t let name meanings decide the names I chose, any more than I’d let zodiac signs decide the timing for trying for a pregnancy. It’s fun when the meaning enhances a name, but not a deal-breaker when it doesn’t. I think it’s nice that your first two children’s name meanings enhance their names for you, and fun that so far it’s working out that the meanings seem to fit with who they are. But if you and your husband both prefer the name Benjamin, I absolutely would not advise letting the meanings of the name candidates overrule your preference. So that is where I am starting from, but I know we have lots of commenters who are more into name meanings than I am, so this is where I think the group-project element of this site really pays off.

I think I’d start by looking a little further into what is it you like about the meaning of the name Nicholas, “victory of the people” (or, elsewhere: “people of victory” or “people’s conqueror“). I can easily imagine contemporary applications that would make this meaning feel like it was referring to triumph over evil/injustice, and/or more generally to justice/strength/righteousness—but my mind also goes toward the violent and war-like elements of those concepts. It feels like a veer from the virtue meanings of strong, righteous, wise, and graceful.

And I’d want to look a little further into what you DON’T like about the meanings of the name Benjamin. I dabbled a little, and one theory seems to be that “son of the right hand” is a reference to strength, in which case the name Benjamin coordinates particularly nicely with the name Ethan. More generally: someone on your right hand is someone you can trust and depend on; to be seated at someone’s right hand is to be given the highest possible honor. And the other possibility, “son of old age,” feels comforting and nurturing to me; again, a nice combination with strength/righteousness and wisdom/gracefulness—and a nice way to be careful that we are not thinking of boys as having one set of virtues and girls as having a different set.

It seems to me that the main loss, if you use Benjamin, is John as the middle name. I think of B.J. as problematic initials mostly if they’re the first/last initials (i.e., noticeable to other people), or if the parents plan to call the child by first/middle initials (or think others in their circle might do so). If not, I think you could still use John as the middle name—but if it persists in bothering you, I do understand: I have similar aversions among my own name preferences. Alexander is nice; is it an honor name? Does B.A._. work okay with the surname initial? Are there any other honor names from your side of the family that would work well? Could your name or your middle name or your mother’s name or your maiden name be given, in its own form or in another form (Paula/Paul, Louise/Louis, Brianne/Brian, etc.), to balance the honor of using your husband’s first name for one of your other children? Or perhaps you would want to find a middle name with a meaning that makes you happier about the meaning of the name overall; if you haven’t already discovered it, I recommend The Completely Reverse-Dictionary of Baby Names for this (though double-check the meanings with other sources).

As names considered without their meanings, I think Nicholas and Benjamin are equivalent names: both have been so widely used, and over such a long period of time, that their associations are pleasingly diluted. Both have good nicknames; both go well with the sibling names. And I think that both are friendly, solid choices that would serve a person well throughout their life.

Baby Girl Marlowe, Sister to Astrid and Ingrid

50 Replies

Hi Swistle,
My name is Lucy, my husband is Seth, and we are expecting our third and last child next month. Our last name is Marlowe. Everyone has my husband’s maiden name, which is very unusual so I won’t list it here but it starts with a B. We have three year old identical twins, Astrid Kate and Ingrid Rose (we call them Griddy and Triddy sometimes, just to amuse ourselves). We LOVE their names and find them very satisfying in every way-to say, to write, to nickname, to sing, to yell…we want our third daughter to have a name that delights us just as much. We know we are going to give this baby the middle name Jane, to go with Rose and Kate. But we are stymied on the first name. We have a list, but we arent in love with any of them. Here they are:
Penelope
Charlotte
Phoebe
Elodie
Josephine
Heidi

Do you have any suggestions for us? What seems to work best? other names we should consider?

Thank you!
Lucy and Seth, Astrid and Ingrid

Baby Boy Peterson-with-a-David, Brother to Vivian

34 Replies

Hi Swistle,

I discovered your blog while researching names and would love your help! I am due in August with our second child, a boy. We have a two year old daughter named Vivian Iris. Our last name is like Peterson but with the name David at the beginning.

Surprisingly, given our somewhat different style preferences, my husband and I are basically in agreement on the name but not the spelling. We’re leaning towards naming this baby Alistair/Alastair. We initially had Alexander and Patrick on our boy list but when we found out this baby is actually a boy, I just thought those names were so boring for real life (my apologies to anyone who used those names, they are lovely which is why they are on our list!). But we both like the Scotish version of Alexander: Alistair/Alastair. Patrick, a family name on my side, will likely be the middle name.

Upon further research, it turns out that this name is actually far more obscure than I realized. My husband and I are both very midwestern but currently live in the mid-Atlantic. We previously had pretty international careers and have both known people with this name so we were surprised to find it so low on the list in the US.

Here is where we are stuck. My husband prefers the “more authentic” spelling of Alastair. He would really like to do the “most authentic” spelling of Alasdair, but I vetoed that. I, however, think we should give the kid the more common spelling of the name, especially considering that it’s pretty rare. Alistair is currently ranked 967 in the US. The other spellings are not in the top 1000 at all. Notably, Alistair is also the most common spelling in Scotland, England, and Wales (this did not convince my husband).

We’re at a standstill and have dug in our heels over one letter. We both realize how ridiculous this is, but, nonetheless, here we are. What spelling do you think we should go with?

As an aside, I do have a bit of hesitation that this name is weirder or more pretentious than I think it is. Does it seem too weird for midwesterners to use this name? My husband’s ancestors were Scotish but his family has been in the US for hundreds of years. Will it seem like we’re trying too hard or something? Admittedly, we can be a little pretentious (at least we’re aware, right???) so maybe we should just own it, but I don’t know.

Thank you for your help!

 

I am much more familiar with the Alistair spelling, and that would be my own choice. I agree with your reasoning: especially if I were going with a less common name, I’d prefer to use the most common spelling.

The “more/most authentic” argument feels a little dicey to me. Names change over time and as they cross into different languages/alphabets/cultures. If he prefers an OLDER spelling, or a spelling from a particular language/alphabet/culture, that’s fine: some people would rather use Iohannas or Eoin or Jan or Jean or Gianni instead of the more-familiar-in-the-U.S. John. But saying that one version is more “authentic” than another seems…well, dicey.

You asked if the name is too weird or pretentious to use, and I’d say no, but then again I am a person who spends a lot of time looking at and thinking about names, and so there are a lot of names I have gotten accustomed to that might be more startling to the general public. I don’t see any reason Alistair can’t join Theodore and Arthur and Oliver and so forth—but perhaps it would strike others as being more in the range of Percival and Archibald. (I would also like to see Percival become more common. PERCY!!)

It can feel ridiculous, but this spelling disagreement may indeed mean you won’t be able to use the name. Paul and I lost the name Elliot because we couldn’t agree on the spelling, and it felt/feels so STUPID when we both LOVED the name—but, I didn’t love it the way he wanted to spell it, and he didn’t love it the way I wanted to spell it, and so in the end it was just as if we were talking about two entirely different names. You have lots of time left, so what I suggest is putting it on the list as “Alistair/Alastair” for now, and working on coming up with more options in case the spelling can’t be resolved.

Do you like Albert or Alfred? I feel as if those names have a similar English sound, while being a little more accessible. I went to kindergarten with an Alfie; I wonder if that was short for Alfred; other potential nicknames include Freddie and Al. And Bertie is a cute nickname for Albert.

I’ve seen Gilbert getting some attention recently.

Or perhaps Louis? Frederick? Edmund? George? Simon? Miles? (Maybe too much like Miles Davis with the surname.)

Ellis? Hugh? Graham? Rupert? Roland? Barnaby? Vincent?

Or maybe one of the ones I mentioned earlier as palling around with an Alistair: Theodore, Arthur, Oliver.

Or August, for his possible birth month.

Or Francis, with the darling nickname Frankie.