Rose writes:

Let’s be blunt here, Swistle: I’m eighteen and expecting a baby in late November. It’s a girl.

I know that the least I can do is give my child a name that won’t allow people to get that self-satisfied smirk on their faces and think, “your name reflects your upbringing and your parents”; I will not do my child a disservice by heaping a misspelled, infantile, vapid, trendy name upon her, because it’s bad enough that I’m barely an adult. And also my tastes run rather droll.

So the entire naming process has been one strung throughout with anxiety. To say the least.

Ahem.

Onto the names. There are HUGE problems with the first, middle AND last names. Huzzah.

FIRST: I had a few first names picked out by myself, because my daughter’s father (I refer to him as that because we were not in a romantic relationship when my daughter was conceived, are not in one now, and will not be in one in the future; we’re not even friends) had decided that he wanted no part of it (he’s two months younger than me but, may I say, has the maturity of an ten-year-old) and I took it upon myself to find the perfect name (I like vintage, less-common names that exude warmth and intelligence and feminine strength) . I would have been happy naming her any of the following:

Hazel
Maeve
Violet
Olive
Alice

But then the father grew up a bit and now wants to play an active part in his daughter’s life before and after she actually gets here. Which is absolutely amazing for our daughter, but it’s complicating the naming process. He’s a very opinionated guy and surprisingly cares quite a lot what her name is.

His taste runs a bit…different than my own. He likes more modern, cutesy names and names with an edgy feel that are “cool”. Dillon told me that he likes the following:

Juliet, nickname Jett (Dillon said that this is the most “bad-ass” name ever…)
Sophie
Zoe
Reese
Blair
Lily

As I am going to be her primary caregiver and the one who is, honestly, going to be making the most sacrifices, I think that I should have the final say. But because I want to honor his commitment to his daughter, I want him to help pick out his daughter’s name. I just don’t know if we can find a name that we both love. Please help!

MIDDLE: I want to give my daughter the middle name of Hermione, due to the amazing character and this quote, primarily.

“I’ve got two daughters who will have to make their way in this skinny-obsessed world, and it worries me, because I don’t want them to be empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones; I’d rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny – a thousand things, before ‘thin’. And frankly, I’d rather they didn’t give a gust of stinking chihuahua flatulence whether the woman standing next to them has fleshier knees than they do. Let my girls be Hermiones, rather than Pansy Parkinsons. Let them never be Stupid Girls.” 
–JK Rowling

I want my daughter to be a Hermione, so badly it almost aches. But therein lies the problem. I realize that the Harry Potter series is universally acknowledged as meant for children, or at least teenagers, and it seems to me like Hermione would be a juvenile choice, therefore going against my naming principle. I don’t want my daughter to be ashamed of either of her names, but especially of one that means so much to me. Is it selfish to give her the middle name of Hermione?

And the father does not like Hermione. He is a fan of Harry Potter but thinks that the name is “weird”. I’ve shown him the quote but he doesn’t get it. Should I push for Hermione or find a compromise?

LAST: Originally, I was going to give my daughter my surname, Monroe. But because her father has promised that he’s going to step up, I feel as though it would be wrong not to include him somehow.

I’m not naive. I know that the father has a very good chance at not being a good father or even a father at all, and he might not deserve to have his daughter bear his last name. But his parents are lovely people and his mother will be taking care of the baby when I go back to high school in January since my mother works; they’ll be around and will be playing a huge part in her life even if he is not. I feel as though my daughter should have his last name as SOME part for their sake.

A good option, I suppose, would be a double-barreled last name. But I don’t especially WANT a double-barreled last name; I think they’re clumsy and annoying. And which surname goes first: his or mine?

Another option that I have become aware of is using his surname as a second middle name, or vice-versa. But that seems confusing and bulky as well.

So…
_____ Hermione Monroe
_____ Hermione Parker
_____ Hermione Monroe-Parker
_____ Hermione Parker-Monroe
_____ Hermione Parker Monroe
_____ Hermione Monroe Parker

Or any of the above choices with a different middle name. Or any other ideas.

Which one?

I’ve had a huge interest in names since I was young–and I have enjoyed both of your blogs for awhile–but I never, ever expected that I would actually have to find a name this early, nor that I would be in need of your services. But thank you.

Thanks again. I know I’m asking a lot of you.

 
Let’s start with the surname. This is going to boil down to picking your favorite and the one that makes most sense to you, but if you like I can tell you what my favorite is: your idea of having the father’s surname as a second middle name, and your own surname as the surname. If you’ll be the primary caregiver and the other parent’s involvement level is uncertain at this point, it makes sense for her to have your surname—but it’s also nice to include her father’s name in her name (I like your idea of thinking of it as the father’s FAMILY’S name), and the second-middle-name slot is great for that. But all kinds of name arrangements seem to work out without too much hassle, so again, I say pick your favorite. The name gets long, but I think it’s worth it here.

Next, the tricky issue of the middle name. I see your points, and I’m not sure what to advise. I THINK that my feeling on this is that it may cause a little reaction of the sort you describe, but that the people who have that reaction are likely to be the ones who will have a little reaction almost no matter what—and that your strong and enduring feelings about the name outweigh other people’s mild and temporary reactions.

If you are looking for other solutions, I wonder if it would work to name her instead for the author of the quote and creator of Hermione’s character? J.K. Rowling’s first name is Joanne; according to Wikipedia, she says as a child she was only called that when she was in trouble, and that she goes by Jo. Jo is an adorable name, and it can remind you the woman who inspired your fervent hope. (And the quote would make a great framed print for the nursery.) It rhymes with your surname, but you could either use Joanne (and then use the cute nickname “[First name] Jo”), or maybe it doesn’t matter, if Parker will be between them.

On to the first name. I like every name on your list. I love Alice best, I think. Alice Joanne Parker Monroe; Alice Monroe; Alice Jo. Lovely. Not a single smirkable name in the bunch.

From the father’s list, Lily seems most compatible with your list—though it does give the two of you an inadvertent flower theme (as does Violet from your list; Hazel and Olive are also botanical but seem to me a much less obvious connection). Would it be more to your style if it were the full name Lillian? Lillian Joanne Parker Monroe; Lillian Monroe; Lily Jo.

If you like the name Juliet from his list, it might be an excellent compromise name: you can call her Juliet, and her dad’s special name for her can be Jett. This assumes that although Jett isn’t your style, you don’t hate it (since she might later adopt it as the name she’d like to be called). If you really dislike it, let’s take this one off. But otherwise: Juliet Joanne Parker Monroe; Juliet Monroe; Julie Jo.

If the father is looking for cool/edgy, perhaps we can find him an edgy/cool nickname for one of the names on your list. Again, it would need to be one you don’t hate. But would it, for example, be okay if he called Alice “Allie,” or “Al” or “Ace”? Could he call Olive “Ollie” or “Livvy”? I’m not very tuned in to edgy/cool, but perhaps he can think of more possibilities.

Another option is to have the first and last names be your choices, and the two middle names be his: a name within a name, sort of. So if your favorite were Hazel, and you wanted your own surname, and your favorite name from the father’s list was Juliet, the name could be Hazel Juliet Parker Monroe. Hazel Monroe, with her father’s choice of Juliet Parker nested inside.

Another option is to let him choose the name from a list of your finalists.

It depends a lot on how strongly he feels about his list, and how favorably he feels toward yours, and how unfavorably you feel about his list, and how much you’re willing to work with him on this. One thing that makes this such an interesting set of questions is that it’s unfamiliar turf as to how much say each parent should have. And we could land anywhere on the spectrum: with you having the entire say, with him having a little say, with you both having equal say, even with him having more say in order to increase the connection he feels to her. And I don’t know what the right way is for your particular case (or for ANY case, for that matter!). It’s interesting to think about.

Back to working with Hermione, I think my favorite first name is still Alice. Alice Hermione Parker Monroe. Alice Monroe.

Rose writes:

Hi, Swistle! I just read your reply and it was amazingly helpful. Thank you SO MUCH for that. You are assuaging my worries with her name

But. I showed your reply and the comments to Dillon, the father, and after much discussion we decided that instead of a compromise with our original names, we need a brand new name that appeals to both of us. Could you possibly give us some name suggestions, or ask your readers to help us?

On a better note, reading the comments has given me a really, really good feeling about Hermione and I think I am going to use it as my daughter’s middle name. Dillon’s surprisingly come around to it and says that he really likes the meaning behind Hermione. So that’s one thing down.

As far as the surname goes, I’m thinking that _____ Hermione Parker Monroe or _____ Hermione Parker-Monroe are our best options. Dillon wants the hyphenated last name, obviously, but I’m leaning more towards using Parker as a second middle name. But then I’m worried that his parents will be hurt, and I don’t want that. But…gah. This is hard. Any advice?

I’ve been trying to look through baby name sites, but it’s really hard to find a name that suits both of our styles. I suppose we need a name that’s vintage but not old-sounding, fresh but not trendy, and feminine but not cutesy. And it has to sound great (or at least good) with Hermione. Please help!

Thanks again, Swistle. I’m sorry I’m being such a bother!

Name update! Rose writes:

Our beautiful daughter Louisa Hermione Parker Monroe arrived right on schedule at 7:12 in the morning yesterday, November 29. We call her Lucy.

Labor was thankfully short (but holy fudge so painful) and Dillon and I were blubbering messes at the end of it when little darling Lucy was placed in my arms. Lucy is unbelievably perfect and gorgeous and we love her so so much.

She was going to be Maeve Hermione–I think we were about 99% sure that that was her name. But then the day before she was born my grandmother Louisa was diagnosed with cancer, and she decided she’s not going to undergo treatment. We felt that it was important to honor her because she’s a important person in my life, and she made sure herself to give her children names that honored family, so we knew that she’d appreciate us honoring her. And she did–when we told her her great-granddaughter’s name she looked so happy and touched and appreciated. We both cried. I now understand why people honor family–it’s such a amazingly wonderful gift for both the honoree and the honorer. Then we were thinking of using Maeve Louisa but it sounds way too much like the name of a disease or like “may flew eesa”. So we scrapped Maeve and kept Hermione and Louisa Hermione it was. I’m not disappointed with not using Maeve one bit, actually–I adore Lucy to pieces, and Dillon says that he loves it as well, more than Maeve.

Thank you, thank you, thank you everyone for all of your help with her name. If I hadn’t had your help, I wouldn’t have dared to use Hermione as the middle name, and who knows what Lucy’s last name would have been. Using my surname as her surname and Dillon’s surname as a second middle name is definitely the best option. I LOVE her name so much and I’m forever grateful to you, Swistle, and the readers.

Alayne writes:

Hi. I am due with my second child in less than five days! My husband and I do not know what we’re having, as we didn’t with our first child; a beautiful daughter named Elise Claire. We are totally settled on a boy’s name. He would be named after both of his grandfathers (William David). However, we just can’t settle on a second girl’s name.

We both feel as though we chose the two most lovely names for our daughter. Would it be wrong to use the name Claire for a second girl (as her first name)? We’re thinking Claire Danielle, as my middle name is Danielle. Our last name is Muscarella, which I also like to keep in mind. We also like the name Lucy, but not as much as Claire.

Here are some of the options that we’ve discussed:

Claire Danielle
Claire Lucille
Claire Elizabeth
Claire Juliet
Lucy Anna

I love the first name Lucian(n)a, but hate the Italian pronunciation Loo Chee Ahna and don’t know what could be used as a middle name so this is totally out.

Please help! We’re desperate!

 
In the greater scheme of things, it wouldn’t be a big deal to use the same name twice (especially since middle names aren’t often known), and I know plenty of people have done it and for the very reason you’d be doing it. On the other hand, it means making it clear that the firstborn got the best two names in the whole world, and the secondborn got only one of them. And if I apply The Baby Name Wizard‘s test of “Would _I_ want this name if I were the baby?,” I think no: I wouldn’t have liked to have my sister’s middle name as my first name.

It is almost always the case that parents use their first-choice names for the firstborn: we look for our favorite, and we use it. Sometimes we have a very close second choice to use later, but more typically we have to start from scratch. I suggest continuing to look for other names you also love, even if you don’t love them as much as your first child’s names. My guess is that with time, you will come to love the names nearly as much, if not just as much or more. Don’t panic: you will have time to think, even after the baby is born.

It can be difficult to search if you’re both stuck thinking you can’t find anything you love as much. A stubbornness sets in: each new name possibility is compared to the favorite name and found lacking, and so is rejected. This is the same trouble a parent sometimes has when their first choice is rejected by the other parent: the parent can’t begin the search for a new favorite until they realize their favorite WILL NOT be used and therefore they must drop it, and stop comparing everything to their not-going-to-be-used choice, and help look for another option. I suggest trying that as an exercise in this case: think to yourselves “We already used those two names. They are out of the name pool. We need to find our favorite from what’s still in the pool.”

I could suggest some names (Celeste, Camille, Cecile, Corinne, Genevieve, Simone—pretty much anything from the French section of The Baby Name Wizard that doesn’t have an -el- sound or an -a ending) but if you are comparing each one to Elise and Claire, you’ll reject the whole list. Keep in mind what we’ve already talked about: it is typical and normal to use the favorite name for the first child: we choose the name we like BEST, so you’re not alone in having trouble finding another name you like identically well. It’s about finding the NEW best. Compare each name possibility not to the names you’ve already used, but to the other names in the name pool: Don’t think “Do we like the name Lucy as much as we like the name Elise?” Instead, think “Do we like the name Lucy more than all the other names in the name pool?”

Let’s also have a poll about your original question, and see what people think about using one child’s middle name as a subsequent child’s first name. [Poll closed; see results below.]

Name update! Alayne writes:

Well, it was a girl! Elise Claire’s new little sister is named Lucy Elizabeth Muscarella. I must confess, I was still quite anxious about selecting a name all the way up until the day I went into labor, which coincidentally was five days past my due date (you’d think the extra time would have helped in deciding!). I was so anxious about it that I had convinced myself, the day of, that Lauren needed to be the name if it were a girl (which wasn’t on our list at all). Needless to say, the baby names books went with us to the hospital. In fact, Lucy wasn’t named until the day following her birth, which in part was due to the fact that she was born five hours before my husband was to be the best man in his cousin’s wedding (yes, the tux accompanied the baby names books to the hospital). I knew Lucy was the right name when I saw how happy my husband was to say it aloud. Plus, Lucy was born on August 6th, Lucille Ball’s 100th Birthday. We took it as a sign! Thank you for all of your wonderful suggestions and especially to all of your followers who commented. We love our Lucy!

Amie writes:

I have been a loyal reader of your blogs for several years now & am finally expecting our first on August 4th! The thing is – we already have his name picked out – Edward Joseph Surname.

My question to you is this:

My husband wants to name him Edward Joseph Surname, III because both his dad & grandfather share the name. I’ve been told people’s opinions on the matter but am unable to verify if this is generally acceptable? Is it ok to name a child The Third if a generation has been skipped?

I have done some online research and am having trouble finding anything on the issue. I’m hoping you & your readers can help clear this up for me!

Thank you so much!

 
Name suffixes drive me a little bit crazy, because there ARE some rules, but since they are NEVER FOLLOWED I think it’s safe to say they’re irrelevant. One example: the suffixes are supposed to change as the older holders of the name die off—IV becomes III, III becomes Jr. and so on. Furthermore, Sr. doesn’t use the Sr. suffix: he’s just Robert Jones, and all the others have suffixes. Is anyone going to follow these rules? OF COURSE NOT. No need for anyone to leave me unpleasant remarks in the comments section (as they have continued to do on the post where I last mentioned these rules), because I already fully understand how inconvenient it would be to follow the rules, and likely I would not follow them myself if there were such a naming situation in my family. Nevertheless, the rules exist.

Where was I? Oh yes. For skipping a generation, I went to my Miss Manners books. I looked in six of the thickest of them, but didn’t find a mention of how to do the numbers if you skip. As I understand it, the reason there are no rules for those situations is that in those situations the suffix system does not apply, because the suffix system is set up for descendants in an unbroken line. (It’s a whole different system for popes and kings; they don’t use Sr. and Jr., either.)

HOWEVER, I have heard of, for example, naming a child after his grandfather or uncle and calling the child “Robert Jones II” rather than Robert Jones Jr., to indicate that it’s not an unbroken/traditional succession. And presumably a Robert Jones II would be able to name his son Robert Jones III? So what would be the difference if the break came between II and III instead of between Sr. and II?

On the other hand, it feels like cheating, doesn’t it? The big deal of suffixes, and the reason they become such huge important deals in families, is the idea that it MUST be done by each generation in a very particular fashion, without messing with it in any way (for example, no changing the middle name), or else it would have to start all the way over—which is why the pressure increases with each generation. There’s no “on a break” of suffix-naming: it’s the firstborn son of each name-holder, and there is no skipping. And we know that we don’t get to go back into our family trees and pick up the suffixes from where they left off several generations ago: we’d need to start a new line.

I think the upshot here is that no, what your husband would like to do is not traditionally/generally allowed/acceptable, but that no one’s going to stop you. There is possible precedent for choosing to use the III (using “II” to name a child for his grandfather, for example), but there is significantly larger quantities of precedent for it not being legitimate (i.e., the whole rest of the tradition and how it’s traditionally applied). If you choose to use III for your son non-traditionally, you’ll have to be resigned to people assuming his father’s name is the same as his, and people potentially acting disgruntled that a generation was skipped. If you’re willing to accept these consequences, there is no Suffix Police who will keep you from using it.

Edited to add: Let’s add a poll to this one, over to the right. [Poll closed; see results below.]

Name update! Amie writes:

I just wanted to send you an update to this Baby Naming Issue post as our little Edward Joseph was born Sunday the 7th! We really appreciate all of your readers comments & decided not to use the “III” suffix on his birth certificate. When it comes down to it, it’s just plain easier – for us to not have to explain the skipping of the generation, and for him later in life on legal forms, etc.

We really appreciate your help & continue to enjoy your blog!

Stephanie writes:

Love your baby name blog! I’m writing in not for any impending babies, but for myself. Here’s the thing. I’ve LOATHED my name since I was a kid. I’ll be 30 this year and have decided enough is enough, I’m going to change it.

Pertinent details:

Current first name – Stephanie
Last name (which I’m keeping and plan on keeping if I get married) – P [2 Italian sounding syllables] a

I love my last name. Things I cannot stand about my first name include being lumped into that early 80s group of Tiffany/Brittany/Kelly, how it sounds as a full name and how it sounds as Steph. To my ear it just sounds like bleh and I’ve just never felt like Stephanie fits me. It’s getting to the point where I’m cringing when I introduce myself to people.

I’ve had a list of possible first/middle name combinations that used to hang out in the back of my school planner and now lives in my smartphone (aaah, changing times).

My style is very pulled from romance novels. Lots of European names, surnames as first names, traditionally male names.

I do enjoy Stefania (though I’d likely keep the ‘ph’ over the ‘f’ even though that’s not the traditional spelling). However, it seems like a lot of fuss to change one letter. I could just ask people to call me Stephania but it seems like it’d be going backwards – my name is Stephanie but call me Stephania. It’s the same reason I’m leaning towards a legal change versus just having people call me by a different name – if every legal document, form, and identification still says Stephanie, it won’t matter if people sometimes refer to me as Starlight Moonbeam, Stephanie will still be my go to name. Plus Stephania is still likely to get shortened to Steph and ugh.

Also, I’d like to be called by all 3 names in more formal situations. Document wise, is it more preferable to have one first/middle/last and introduce myself, sign things as first/middle/last or is it clearer to go the two last name or two first name route?

I work in a fairly traditional field so anything too eyebrow raising is out. Some of the names have been on my list for years and others are more recent additions (some from your blog!) but they all just felt and sounded right when I thought of them for myself. I’m definitely decided on changing, but I think I’m in a forest for the trees scenario where I need some outside opinions and suggestions. At this point, everything sounds phenomenal, not too unusual or odd, but not too common and there’s no way I can pick just one :)

Top contenders:

Braeden (stuck on middle name)
Ellery Snowden
Merrielle Emerson (I love the way Merrielle looks and sounds in my head, with the ‘eh’ sound in the first syllable but am concerned I’ll have to deal with an ‘ah’ sound, definitely not a fan of Mariel or Muriel or Mary)

Other list favorites:

Sadie (even though I 100% prefer this to Stephanie, it still has some of the same issues of sounding young and more unprofessional)
Grey
Winter
Vivienne
Penelope

Thank you so much!

Here is what I think is the NUMBER ONE issue: you’re looking at names that are being given to TODAY’S babies—but were NOT given to babies in 1981 when you were born. The name Stephanie fits perfectly into what we expect for someone who’s about 30 years old. The name Vivienne does not.

This is a problem I’ve noticed in novels, too: the author uses her favorite BABY names on her characters, forcing us to try to imagine a married couple in their thirties named Isabella and Noah. It’s jarring. It’s jarring in real life, too.

I strongly recommend choosing a name that would have been reasonable in the year of your birth—as opposed to a name that might have occasionally been used but would have been a shock. In the U.S. in 1981 only 10 new baby girls were named Vivienne. Girls named Braeden/Brayden/Braden or Gray/Grey or Ellery or Merrielle: 0-4 (fewer than 5 is recorded as “0” on the Social Security forms). Penelope: 77. Winter: 109. Sadie wins: 280. But for comparison, 20,201 baby girls were named Stephanie.

I think it would be best to find a name that is not quite as common as Stephanie was, and that feels to you like a better fit, without making you sound like you were born in 2011. A distinctly younger name can give a “Behold the ravages of time!” feeling: imagine seeing a woman in her seventies and hearing her introduced as Jennifer. It does happen (42 baby girls were named Jennifer in 1936), but it’s startling and not in a pleasing way. And, if you have children in the future, we want to avoid using up the names you might want to use for them.

I’m not sure about the “use all three names for formal situations” question. What SORTS of formal situations? Very few people include their middle names in introductions, and I’m having trouble thinking of a situation where it would be anything but confusing. I think the easiest way for a woman to go by three names is for her to have a hyphenated surname or a two-name first name.

I think if I were planning to change my name, I would begin by asking my parents if they still remembered other names they were considering for me (including boy names), and seeing if any of those fit better. This has the advantage of being more “authentic” a name change (to something your own parents might actually have named you), and also of better pleasing your parents if they’re still in the picture and might be fluffled by this name-change idea. I would in fact interview them extensively, asking if there were family names they considered, or family surnames they might have used as first names (or that they would be willing to consider now that such names are more often used). In addition to the previous advantages, this gives you something to say to anyone startled by your name: “It’s a family name.” I’ve found that line takes the wind out of most sails.

If those interviews and family-tree-shakings yielded no good candidates, I would take the 1981 Top 1000 Social Security name list and I would start at the top and just keep going down. Lauren? Veronica? Victoria? Katrina? Cassandra? Margaret? Bethany? Sabrina? Molly? Jillian? Meredith? Bridget? Joy? Claudia? Marissa? Those are all from the 1981 Top 200 so they shouldn’t shock anyone when used for someone your age—but they have a sound that still works for today’s babies. Too common among your peers? Here are some possibilities from 200-300: Audrey, Ruth, Sophia, Naomi, Evelyn, Olivia, Lydia, Esther, Eva, Amelia, Charlotte, Grace. Good names for babies now—but they were being used in 1981, too.

If by now you are saying, “Pff, Swistle, you old worrywart, I don’t care about any of this! I asked about the names ON MY LIST!” Okay! I can do that, too.

I closed my eyes and imagined meeting someone approximately my age (fine, I was a 1970s baby, DETAILS, DETAILS), and hearing her introduced as each of the names on your list. To my surprise, it was some of your LEAST-used-in-1981 names that seemed least surprising to me on a 1981-born person. For example: I could imagine meeting a Braeden or an Ellery my age, but not a Penelope or a Vivienne or a Sadie or a Winter. I am not sure how to explain this. Part of it is likely regional and so will vary from commenter to commenter. Part of it might be that Vivienne and Sadie and Penelope FEEL so “now” for baby girls, with people writing in to ask if they’re too trendy, whereas Braeden and Ellery are not quite here yet. Part of it may be associations (which, again, will vary from commenter to commenter): Penelope sounds ONLY like Penelope to me, but Braeden is reminiscent of Brianna and Brandi, and Ellery of Emily and Danielle and Michelle. Part of it may be that it’s not uncommon for a new name to waffle around a bit between boys and girls when it first comes into usage (example: Mackenzie), so it feels like it COULD have happened that Braeden would be used for a girl before it became primarily a boy name.

For middle names, I think choosing a name from your own generation will make the first name seem more likely. I think use Snowden only if that’s a family name for you. Otherwise I’d look for other family names, or perhaps use Stephanie or your current middle name there, or your mother’s maiden name, or something else of that sort. Or if you’re again saying, “HELLO, I asked about MY list!,” then I say Ellery Snowden is good, and I’d do Braeden Winter or Braeden Ellery.

Or I might do Braeden Sofia. It’s feminine enough to make it clear Braeden is a girl name in this case. And Sofia is similar to Stefania, and yet Sophia was already #211 in 1981 (and in fact made a huge leap between 1980 and 1981) so it wouldn’t be odd as a middle name for a 30-year-old.

Name update! Stephanie writes:

I wrote in a couple months ago about wanting to change my name as an adult from Stephanie. You and the people who commented offered some excellent suggestions and made some great points and after using various names at restaurants and such and narrowing the field down to a winner (Ellery Braeden!), I looked at the calendar and realized that between scheduled travel and out of town things and court schedules, there wouldn’t be time to make it official until next year. And the fact that residency of at least a year is required and I’m planning on moving before then and it’s something I’d rather not put off till 2014 so am compromising with myself and going with something that could be a reasonable stretch from Stephanie. And I’ve landed on Sutton. I love it, have loved it, it’s unusual enough to make me happy but still easy enough to avoid most confusion and while I’m-Stephanie-but-everyone-calls-me-Sutton isn’t the most natural of flows, I think the similarity in s and t sounds make it plausible. So that’s the update, hooray!

The follow up is – how do I transition into using my new name in professional/formal circumstances. It seems like it shouldn’t be too complex, I think of the people who have legal names of John and are called Jack or are Mary Sue Claire Smith and exclusively go by Claire but…how does that work?

Do I put Sutton on my resume and just mention in any future interviews oh hey, my application says Stephanie but I go by Sutton? My license/credit cards will still say Stephanie but what about at doctor’s offices/store loyalty cards/other non social situations where I’m writing my name but it isn’t a legal document? It seems like a familiar enough situation that I should be able to discover some answers but it is proving to be rather un-googleable. So am turning once again to you and the fabulous community.

Thank you!

Traci writes:

My question doesn’t deal with specific names, but I’m hoping you and your readers will want to tackle it anyway. Both of the names we have picked out are names with great meaning to my husband and I. Recently, I’ve started having nervous second thoughts, not about the names themselves, but about family ramifications and protocol.

The details:
For a girl, we are planning to name her after our mothers (my mother’s for a first name, his mother for a middle name.) My mother is still living, his has passed away. The names sound beautiful together, and we love them. My mother is very easygoing and I am 99.9% confident that she will be honored if we name our child after her. Still, are we obligated to inform her beforehand? (We’d like for it to be a surprise. Is this a bad idea?)

For a boy, we would like to name him after my grandfather who has passed away. I had a special bond with this grandfather , and this is well known in our family. After he passed away, he left some personal family treasures to me, which caused some hurt feelings from other family members, particularly his daughters, (my aunts) I’m wondering naming a child after him might cause hurt feelings in the family, or be perceived as snobbish in some way. Similarly, should I talk to them about it before naming this child?

Finally, are there any other points of etiquette with regard to naming a child after a family member (living or dead)? We would appreciate any or all advice as we are considering family names very strongly…

Thank you so much.

 
I would like to be able to wave these concerns away with a pfff sound: to say, “Don’t be ridiculous, of COURSE your mother will be honored! And your aunts might even feel somewhat mollified about the inheritance issues when they see further evidence of how much you loved their dad.” And I do think that’s the advice most likely to be true. But I am a writer on the internet, so I’ve been made painfully aware time and time again that if there is a situation in question, there will be not just one or two people but a whole GROUP of people offended and angry about it.

This is due not to The Evil of the Internet, but rather to the way the Internet lets us so easily collect data from an enormous pool—without being able to compare the size of the sample to the size of the pool we took it from. If we get twenty comments on this post and ten of them say “I would BOIL WITH RAGE if someone used my name without asking me first!!,” we don’t know if that’s ten people out of twenty or if it’s ten people out of seven billion. This makes it impossible to confidently say to you, “No, keep it a wonderful, wonderful surprise for your mother, OMG she will be so happy, this is so much fun, be sure to let us know if she CRIED WITH JOY!!”: I have to keep in mind the few people who would be offended and furious by something that is widely considered a very touching honor.

Sigh. The world can be a hard place to live.

Well. Here is what I will say instead: If you think your mom is 99.9% likely to be pleased, I would go with that. And yes: surprise her. I think that after this many years, if she were the sort to be upset/unhappy at having a baby namesake, you would know. She would have said things in other contexts (birth announcements, friends’ children, any discussion involving namesakes or how she chose your name) that would have given you a feeling for it over time.

And in the case of your grandfather’s name, I will say the same: Use it. If you knew for a fact that using his name would injure your aunts’ feelings, I would then advise you to gently prepare them for the idea that you were likely to do so, to cushion the news—and yet I would still say you should use the name. Your intentions and motivations are GOOD: you’re not naming a child to rub anything in their faces, and if you WERE trying to rub their faces in anything, “naming a baby” would be a pretty silly way to do it. Furthermore, since your grandfather has already died, they can’t even grouse that this is a way to kiss up; and since they’re presumably done having/naming children, they can’t grouse that you’re stealing a name they wanted to use. (It is making me tired, thinking of all these ways people could misunderstand each other. *world-weary sigh*)

You asked about other points of namesake etiquette, and aside from various cultural/family/religious traditions (which people generally already know, if those traditions apply to them) the main thing I keep in mind when considering family names is whether another family member might feel like they have a bigger claim to the name. For example, if my brother were a Jr., I’d be hesitant to name a child after my dad: seems like my brother should get first dibs. I might discuss such a namesake with my siblings anyway, even if there were no Sr./Jr. issues, just to see what’s what and to avoid unpleasant surprises/misunderstandings.

In most cases, though, I think discussions of dibs and claims tend to be ugly and inappropriate: a certain birth-order grandchild doesn’t have dibs on a grandparent’s name, for example, and two or three or even ALL the grandchildren can ALL use the name without it getting used up. And things get even trickier, because of course a person can call all the dibs they want and be as nasty and hurt-feelingy about it as they can, but if they never have children, or never have a child of that sex, or if the child’s other parent doesn’t agree to the name, those dibs are meaningless—and especially silly if it caused someone else not to use the name.

Whew. In short (TOO LATE), I think it is delightful that you want to use family names, and thrilling to imagine the happy surprises, and I fervently hope that when you announce the names of your children there will be rejoicing throughout the land rather than bitterness and family strife.

Name update! Traci writes:

I wrote awhile back about the protocol for using a namesake name. (You responded here.)
The baby is a boy, and so we named him after my grandfather, Clayton. As you may recall, I was a little nervous that some of the aunts would find the name pretentious or flaunting my special relationship with him, and I’m happy to say that has not happened. Instead, they were quite pleased, and proud! Not only this, but my grandfather’s sister (my great aunt) was so thrilled she was moved to tears! We love Clayton’s name, and are so happy we used it. Thank you to all of the commenters and to Swistle, who encouraged us to follow our hearts. I’ve attached a picture!