Category Archives: reference

Baby Naming Issue: Going By a Middle Name

Allison writes:

I may be imagining this, but it seems like I recall you writing once on your baby name blog about naming a baby with the intention of the baby going by his/her middle name. My husband and I are expecting a baby boy and are considering doing this–my only hesitation is the “pain in the butt” factor of having to correct people. Am I imagining that this has been a topic before? I searched the archives, but couldn’t find it. If it hasn’t been a topic, I’d be interested to get your readers’ thoughts on this as it is a hard decision (and one I certainly don’t want to regret if we wind up going for it and having to correct people daily).

Thanks for your help!

I know we’ve discussed it before, but darned if I can find it! Searching “middle name” gives me…pretty much every single post. And it might be one of those topics we’ve repeatedly discussed within a post, without it ever featuring as the main topic. So let’s discuss it as the main topic now.

I think going by a middle name works fine, but that to justify the hassle there should ideally be a good reason behind it. Sample good reasons:

1. You absolutely must use a family name you hate. You use it, but use the name you actually wanted to use as the middle name, and have the child go by that.

2. All juniors, thirds, fourths, etc.

3. Compromises, when nothing else works. I went to school with a boy whose parents couldn’t agree on the order of his names, not even at the very last second. So they flipped a coin, named him Adam Jason, and called him Jason. This made a good story on the first day of every school year.

3a. I can picture this also as a solution to a namesake issue, where the parents would like to honor both grandfathers but they want to make it as fair as possible, so they give the first-name slot to one grandfather, but the daily namesake use to the other.

Here’s an example of a reason I consider not worth it, but of course it will depend on each family and how they feel about it: reversing the names to improve the rhythm of the whole name. I worked with a woman whose parents wanted to name her Joy and give her the middle name Linda, but thought Linda Joy sounded better. So they named her Linda Joy, and called her Joy her whole life. She thought this was a huge pain in the buns, and wished her parents had just named her Joy Linda: the upside of having a better name rhythm was minor compared to the downside of corrections and forms and confusion and explaining. (She said she’d planned to change it after they died, but by that time she was well into her 60s and the hassle of changing every single legal document seemed overwhelming.)

I’ve also seen people do it because they thought the honor name had to go in the first-name slot, but didn’t want to call the child by that name. In which case I think it makes more sense to put the honor name in the middle-name slot, which is an excellent honor-name position and also removes the awkwardness about why exactly no one wants the child called that name.

I think, though, that regardless of the reason for doing it, the practice is common enough that the hassle, though steady and persistent, will stay at a minor and not particularly confusing level. “He goes by his middle name” is so short and easy to understand, and both you and he will get accustomed to responding to his first name at doctor appointments, on envelopes, at roll call, etc. It’s something you’ll have to say over and over again throughout your lives, but most of us have to say something over and over again about our names: “That’s with an -en,” “It’s an EES sound, like in Lisa,” “Yes, it’s French,” “No, I kept my own name,” “The K is silent,” and so on.

One more thing it’s good to keep in mind is that the child himself may choose to go by his unused first name later. This particularly applies if the parents are using a first name they dislike: it’s good to think out ahead of time that if the child prefers that name and chooses to go by it later on, it would be a tough argument to say that he shouldn’t use his own first name.

There! Have we covered all the situations? Does anyone have firsthand or secondhand experience with this, and can report on the level of hassle involved?

Baby Naming Issue: Preferences vs. Requirements

38 Replies

Julia writes:

We have three boys and are expecting our fourth child, a girl, in early March. My name is Julia, my husband is Greg, and our surname is Holloway.

Our boys are Leo Sebastian (7), Asher Hugo (5), and Simon Frederick (2). We consider ourselves pros at naming boys. My husband and I are equal partners in the naming process and really enjoyed it with our sons. We absolutely adore their names and think we did a pretty damn good job with them. But we’re starting to doubt our naming prowess with our daughter.

The problem is that we suck at naming girls. This is our first girl, and probably our last (we aren’t sure if we want another child after this one), so we want her name to be absolutely perfect. If this baby was a boy he would have been Jude Atticus or Felix Alasdair, depending on what he looked like. Done deal, give me the birth certificate so I can sign it already. But this wee lass is a giant pain as we are absolutely stumped on her name.

I suppose the problem is that we’re very conscientious about names. Like, we really like Ivy (it’s honestly the only one we’ve found that we like), but discarded it because of the long “i” sound it shares with Simon’s name. We don’t want her name to begin or end the same as any of our sons’ names and we don’t want any of the same dominant sounds. And this rules out a lot of names.

We also don’t want a name with an easy nickname, nor a name above two syllables.

Also we would like her name to end in a vowel, though it’s not mandatory.

We know that we want her name to be feminine but not frilly, soft but strong, elegant yet playful. Does it even exist? Are we being way too picky?

We did look at the meanings for our sons’ names when choosing them (Leo means “lion”, Asher means “lucky/happy one”, and Simon means “the listener”) and while it’s not TERRIBLY important we would like the meaning to be at least nice, if not wonderful.

Thank you, Swistle!

You are just as good at naming girls as you are at naming boys. The problem you’re encountering is that you’re setting up unnecessary requirements. “Not sharing a vowel sound with any siblings” is too strict when combined with “no more than two syllables,” “no nicknames,” “no sharing either beginning or ending sounds with a sibling,” and “having four children.”

It’s important when choosing a baby’s name to note the differences between requirements and preferences. A requirement might be something like “not creating a silly phrase with our surname.” A preference might be something like “not starting with the same initial as a sibling name.” Of course it will vary from situation to situation: in some families, different initials might be the requirement and making a silly phrase might be a goal. The main difference is that requirements must be VERY FEW, or else they create a logic puzzle that not one single name in the universe can satisfy. Preferences, on the other hand, may come in the form of long lists, because it is understood that any of them can be abandoned if a name meets most of them, or if a name is wonderful enough to be worth ditching them.

The first step, then, is to divide your long list of requirements into two lists, one of actual requirements, and one of preferences. With two or three children, I think it might be reasonable to want not to share any beginning sounds, any ending sounds, any dominant sounds, or any vowel sounds. With four children, I think it’s time to re-evaluate that for actual importance. A family of Leo, Asher, Simon, and Ivy does not make me think “OMG, they repeated the long-I sound!! Don’t they realize their children are INDIVIDUALS??” On the contrary, I’d think what a good job the family had done finding such completely different names that nevertheless went together well.

One way to separate out the requirements from the preferences is to ask yourself whether you think the rule is more important than the name—that is, whether you should dismiss a name you agree on and love, just because you’ve made an arbitrary rule and now the name doesn’t meet it. Which is more important, the name or the rule you made? If you reluctantly say that the rule is more important (as you might if your surname were Dover and your favorite name were Ben), then what you have is a requirement. If you think, “Wait. No, that would be silly: if the name of our dreams, the name we can’t bear not to use, is a name that has three syllables even though we said it couldn’t have more than two, we don’t actually have to let that rule boss us around,” then what you have is a preference.

Preferences can be a helpful tool for sorting through enormous piles of names. And it’s very satisfying to find a name that meets most or all of the preferences, which you might still do. But when preferences start running the show or making you feel frantic, or when every name you like is at the mercy of the preferences, that means the preference list is now the unreasonable boss rather than the helpful tool. You’re the one setting the standards for what qualifies as perfection, so you are also the ones who can re-set those standards.

It sounds to me like the name you’re looking for is Ivy. It doesn’t have more than two syllables. It doesn’t have an easy nickname. It ends in a vowel. It’s feminine but not frilly. It’s soft but strong. It’s elegant but playful. It’s wonderful with your surname, and with the sibling names. Eliminating it because it shares a single sound with a brother’s name is not conscientiousness, it’s pickiness. (And the name Felix would have repeated not only the long-E but also the only consonant sound of Leo.)

Now, if you don’t love the name Ivy, that’s a different story. In that case, we still need the section about requirements vs. preferences, but you also need name suggestions.

My first suggestion is Clara. It doesn’t share the first or last sounds of any brother names. It’s feminine, non-frilly, soft, strong, elegant, playful. It’s not as good with your surname as Ivy, but it’s still good: Clara Holloway. I suggest Felicity as the middle name, unless that would eliminate Felix for a future baby. Clara Felicity Holloway.

My second suggestion is Rose. It’s gotten common as a middle name, but is still surprising and fresh as a first name, while also sounding classic and traditional: a very nice combination. Rose Holloway is wonderful. Leo, Asher, Simon, and Rose. I suggest Eliza as the middle name to emphasize the Z sound of both names: Rose Eliza Holloway.

My third suggestion is Phoebe. Elegant but playful. Two syllables. Ends in a vowel. Great with the brother names. Etc. I suggest the middle name Louise: Phoebe Louise Holloway.

My fourth suggestion is Beatrix. It has three syllables, or maybe more like 2.5, and it doesn’t end in a vowel—but I reject those preferences in favor of this name. Talk about elegant but playful! Talk about feminine but non-frilly! BEATRIX, baby. It’s similar to your boy name choice Felix, but without being as similar to Leo. I suggest the middle name Philippa: Beatrix Philippa Holloway.

My fifth suggestion is Greta. Look at how gorgeous it is with your surname. (I like Margaret even better, but that has tons of established nicknames.) I suggest Magnolia as the middle name: Greta Magnolia Holloway.

I think I’ll stop counting my suggestions. Next up is Meredith. Three syllables, true; if that turns out to be one of the truly important requirements, then never mind. But man, what a great name with your surname and with the brother names. Leo, Asher, Simon, and Meredith! Meredith Holloway! Maybe put Ivy as the middle name, if it turns out not to work as a first name: Meredith Ivy Holloway.

Next is Ruth. Ruthie springs to mind as a nickname, but I love it with the brother names. Leo, Asher, Simon, and Ruth. A much more serious spin on the group than something like Phoebe, though. I’d put something light and feminine as the middle name; maybe Clarissa. Ruth Clarissa Holloway.

To maintain a lighter touch, maybe Ruby: Leo, Asher, Simon, and Ruby.

Ruby would make me think of Lucy, but I suspect that won’t fly with Leo. But Lucy makes me think of Darcy, which I think fits better anyway: Leo, Asher, Simon, and Darcy.

Name update! Julia writes:

So um I just had the baby eight hours ago but I’m so excited about her name I just had to give you an update!

We went to the hospital with three names: Phoebe Juniper, Clara Beatrix, and Eloise Ivy (which was a miracle in itself seeing that when I first begged you for help we had absolutely nothing). We loved them all equally and had no idea how we were going to pick. Like, I was expecting the decision of her name to be harder than actually giving birth to her.

But. When I held her the first thing I noticed is that she had this little scrunched-up look on her face and when our son Leo held her for the first time she punched him in the nose; our three-year-old Simon didn’t want to hold her after she pinned him with a tough glare. So her personality helped us narrow down the names. She wasn’t a sunny, sweet Phoebe. She wasn’t a soft, playful Eloise. This baby was a no-nonsense, I-may-be-a-only-a-few-hours-old-but-I-am-already-the-boss-of-all-of-you Clara Beatrix.

We’re all doing great and HOLY MOTHER we named our daughter a name we actually adore to pieces. Thank you, Swistle! It was your suggestions of Clara and Beatrix that made the names click with us. And the preferences vs requirements post for us was extremely helpful. So thanks again!

Anyway, I’m sorry if I’m insensible. I just needed to share my happiness about Clara’s name and couldn’t wait!

Baby Boy Harris, Brother to Abig@il Elizabeth: Family Member Doesn’t Want a Namesake

22 Replies

L. writes:

My husband and I had the perfect name picked out for our son who is due in early March, but our plan has fallen apart. We were going to name him after his two grandfathers Leon@rd (mine) James (his) and we were going to call him Leo. Even though we had told no one our name, this week my father made sure to let me know in no uncertain terms that he would never forgive me if I named this baby after him. Needless to say, I am heartbroken.

So, back to the drawing board we go. If this baby had been a girl, she would have been Eleanor (nickname Nora). I prefer older, traditional names (preferrably with a cute nickname). I also want to stay away from the top 10 names. (I would never have named Abby that if I’d realized at the time how popular her name was.) I do realize that Eleanor/Nora is also becoming more popular, but we love it for it’s family significance. Of the names in the top 50 from the Social Security list for 2010, the only one that even pops out as a possibility is Isaac.

Things that are important to me for the name is that it have at least 2 syllables and not end in an S. (I like Charles, but Charles James Harris is a little much.)

One name that I like, but am unsure I could pull the trigger on if if my husband would agree, is Oswald. Help!

I feel like we need more information from your father. Why would he say such a thing? When he said it, did you ask what his reason was? I’m kind of looking forward to after the baby is born, when you can tell him that you WERE going to name the baby after him but then he screwed everything up. That was a GREAT NAME you’d chosen.

Leo and Charles were two of our top contenders for Henry, so I wonder if you’d like Oliver, also on our list. Oliver James Harris; Abigail and Oliver.

Another from that list was Elliot. Elliot James Harris; Abigail and Elliot.

Another from that list was Milo. Milo James Harris; Abigail and Milo.

I’d recommend Henry, too, if you like alliteration.

A name that shot to the top of my list after Henry was born is Simon. Simon James Harris; Abigail and Simon.

Another is Everett. I think it’s so handsome with your surname. Everett James Harris; Abigail and Everett.

I do love the name Isaac, if you want to consider it more. Nicknames could be Ike or Zack. Isaac James Harris; Abigail and Isaac; Abby and Zack.

I know a sibling set of Abigail and Owen, and I’ve thought of it as a very good combination. Owen James Harris; Abigail and Owen.

Are there any other men from your side of the family who would make good namesakes? Maybe one of your grandfathers or uncles? It’s so disappointing to have a good namesake name all set to go and then have it ruined!

Name update! L. writes:

I just wanted to let you and your readers know that our son was born on March 1, 2012. I took a step back from the naming dilemma for a while and let the situation (and my hormones) settle down a bit, but I did eventually have a conversation about the name with my Dad. He was a little embarrassed that he had reacted so strongly, but it turns out that he never liked his name because of some unwelcome nicknaming that went along with it. He was both surprised and flattered that we planned to name our son after him. Here is a picture of our newest edition, Leonard James. Thanks so much for your help. I appreciate you and your readers being the voice of reason for me.

Baby Naming Issue: All the Names We Like are Too Popular

19 Replies

Liz writes:

My husband and I are expecting our first child in April. We didn’t have any girl names picked out, but knew if it was a boy, his name would be Dominic. Of course we found out we’re having a girl! We couldn’t have it the easy way.

Our problem is that it seems all the names we like are too popular right now. We’re talking Isabella (used to be my favorite), Sofia, Ava, Mia… all beautiful names, but they’re everywhere! We’re trying to find a name that’s outside the top 50 girl names. By no means does it have to be totally obscure… just not super-trendy. We know that these lists change, so a name we pick now may be very popular in a couple years – but that’s the risk we take.

We have a 3-syllable Italian last name that ends in “isi” and we like the more Latin or Italian sounding names, although that’s not a must-have. As you can tell from our list above, we also like names that are definitely feminine. No disrespect to the female Dylans and Jordans of the world – it’s just not our style for our baby.

Our possible middle names are all family-related. We’d like to use one of the following:

Marie or Mary
Catherine
Elizabeth or Beth
Jacquelyn
Carol

Can you help us? We would be forever grateful! Maybe we can name her “Swistle.” ;)

I think the name Swistle goes best with Elizabeth: Swistle Elizabeth _____isi. I love it. Or maybe it’s too much L?

There are a few ways to approach the issue of having popular tastes:

One is to say “Hang it!” and go ahead and use your favorite names. The number one name last year was Isabella, but so far there have only been two Isabellas total in all of my kids’ classes combined (I’m including all five kids but thinking especially of the younger three, who were all born after Isabella was in the top 10). I think a bigger problem are the names that get popular in groups: in William’s class last year there was a Kyle, a Kyler, and a Kylie. Or a class might have an Amelia, an Emilia, an Emma, and a Mia, which is more noticeable than a single Sophia.

A second approach, which could tie in to the first approach, is to choose a popular name, but choose one with a steadier popularity curve: something that never gets too UNpopular, instead of something that went from almost unheard-of to Top 10 in less than a decade: Elizabeth instead of Isabella, Anna instead of Ava. (And all of the names on your list are less risky than a total newcomer such as a Cadence or a Madison.)

A third approach is to think, “Having a less common name is worth selecting a name I like less.” In that case I’d go to the charts, pull up the list of the Top 1000 for 2010, start at #50, and work my way down while jotting down possibilities. As you’ve already noticed, some of those names might be on their way up (you can search each name separately to make sure it’s not going up like, for example, #364 in 2008, #204 in 2009, #52 in 2010), but it’s different odds choosing a maybe-it-won’t instead of an it-already-has.

A fourth approach, which could tie in to the third approach, is to find names that are similar to the popular ones: for example, Cleo instead of Chloe. This is risky: it’s what leads to a Kyle and a Kyler and a Kylie, or to an Eleanor and an Ella and an Elizabeth all going by Ellie. But it can also pay off beautifully: maybe everyone is tired of Isabella, but Isadora and Annabel would strike them as fresh and different–having some of the elements that make everyone like Isabella, but not in a way that would make them the next big thing.

Because it sounds like your preference is to avoid the popular names, I’ll lean toward the fourth way: finding names that are similar to the names you like, but less popular. Here’s how I’d do your list (with an extra-thorough perusal of The Baby Name Wizard‘s section of Italian names), but “names that seem similar” is a very subjective category so this is just to give you the idea:

Instead of Isabella: Isadora, Annabel, Willa, Gabriella, Mirella, Marilena, Raffaella, Arabella, Cordelia, Elisabetta.

Instead of Sofia: Fiona, Phoebe, Bianca, Josefina, Josephine, Claudia, Lucia, Annika, Philomena.

Instead of Ava: Eva, Eve, Ada, Ivy, Elsa, Geneva.

Instead of Mia: Lia, Celia, Mila, Mira, Gia, Ria, Nina.

You probably want to save Dominic in case of a future boy, but Veronica or Danica or Annika might have a similar and appealing sound for a girl.

Name update! Liz writes:

Our beautiful daughter Stella Elizabeth was born on April 25, 2012. My husband actually suggested the name Stella, and I loved it from the start! It has the “ella” ending that I love, without being as popular as Isabella and the like. You and your readers did offer some great suggestions – particularly Sonia and Cecilia – so if we have another daughter, we may use one of those! Stella just seemed like the perfect, spunky name for our little girl. As you can see from the picture I attached – she has quite the attitude!

Thanks for your help!

Baby Naming Issue: Using the Namesake Name of Someone Who Hated Her Name

19 Replies

Beth writes:

My friend Jenny suggested we email you guys because we are having serious naming problems.

The parameters:

*Our last name starts with M and is too short to support an M name.

*We don’t know the gender

*We are small people and while we are great runners and in good shape I’m pretty sure this kid is going to be a bit of a nerd, and small and if it’s like me at all, lack all hand-eye coordination. So if it is a boy we’d like to avoid names that rhyme with jerk or can be made into horrible rhymes.

*We either want the middle name Rae or Ray for my paternal grandmother or something after my mom but here’s the thing – my mom, who died a few years ago, was named Bernice. But she hated her name. She once tried to change it at camp and wandered off when everyone was screaming JUNE! because she forgot she had changed her name.

*For boy names we like names that end in -en or -an and we love old fashioned names that have awesome nicknames (Sebastian, with Baz as the nickname, is a contender)

*We like old fashioned girl names too, and we have a few. Boy names are way harder for some reason

*But here’s the biggest problem. Because of what I do, I can’t actually come “out” to a lot of people – I’m not like in the military or anything. So it is really just me, my husband and my pregnant insomnia working overtime.

Thanks! And in the interim thank you for having the site which is perfect for reading over 3 am peanut butter.

The mother-namesake dilemma has seized my attention, so let’s start with that. I know from previous posts on this subject that we as a group have mixed feelings about using a honor name when the person-to-be-honored hated the name. My own opinion is that there’s a difference between hating one’s own name and not wanting it used for a namesake—but that this is why we have to apply such things on a case-by-case basis. There are people who would be indignant and upset if you used their hated name on a baby, and there are people who would be even more deeply honored that you loved them enough to use the name they think would be a challenge to use. (It’s one thing to name a baby after your Grandma Grace when the name Grace is fully in style, and another thing entirely to name a baby after your Grandma Earline when the name Earline is not.) There are people who would say grouchily “I don’t know why you’d want to give a name like mine to a baby!” and continue saying it every time they saw you, and there are people who would find they loved their own name more after seeing it on a sweet little baby.

In the case of your mom’s name, you’ll have to guess. Or since she is not here to care one way or another if her name is used, you could consider what the other people in your family will think about it: will they think, shocked, “But Bernice always HATED her name!!” or will they think “Oh, how nice!” Or you can consider how you personally will think of it: will you wince thinking of how she hated her name, or will it bring to mind only your mother herself?

If you decide not to use her name, there are many interesting options to consider.

1. Would her middle name or her maiden name work?

2. Use June: she WISHED it were her name. Or any other name she repeatedly mentioned as a name she’d rather have had.

3. Are there any names she repeatedly said she wished she’d used on a child, or did she ever mention she’d love to have a grandchild named ____?

4. Did she have a nickname she went by, something that could be used as a name?

5. I see in The Oxford Dictionary of First Names that a nickname for Bernice is Binnie. That’s adorable.

6. I think it’s reaching to use names that “have the same meaning” as the name in question, but it’s a fairly common practice. Bernice means “she who brings victory”; other names with similar meanings (according to Baby Names Made Easy) are Colette, Jaia, Jocelyn, Nicole, Veronica, Victoria. But would any of those bring your mother to your mind?

7. I also think it’s reaching to do “same first initial” namesakes—but again, it’s fairly common practice. Any B name would fit this. But again: would any of those bring your mother to your mind?

8. Now I will REALLY reach, because we’re here anyway: could you use your mom’s birthstone, or birth month, or birth month flower? Would anything special to her (a collection, a favorite saint, a favorite location, a favorite flower) work as a name?

9. Do you have another honor name you’d like to use that could be combined with Bernice? For example, if your husband’s mother was named Jeannine, you might be able to pull off a Jennice sort of thing.

I think if it were me and if it were my mom, I would use her name in the middle name slot as-is. Everyone else would know what I meant by it, even if my mom had always hated her name (it’s not like anyone would think I was intending anything but an affectionate honor), and also I know my own mom would be pleased by the honor even if she didn’t like the name—just as she’d likely be pleased if I kept a framed photo of her, even if she’d never liked the way she looked. And besides, she wouldn’t be here to mind anymore, so I’d be using the name for my own sentimental reasons and to be reminded of her and to let my daughter have something belonging to the grandmother she didn’t get a chance to know. Using Veronica or Bridget wouldn’t give me any of those same things, just as framing a photo of someone else’s mother wouldn’t be a workaround.

I just had one more idea. I’m not sure I can think of any good examples that work, and we might need to make up some names, but I kind of love the concept: we’d HIDE your mom’s name within your daughter’s name. Like this: Ember Nicelle. September Nicelle. Berni Cecile. Aubern Icene. Main problem: pretty much NOTHING ends with -bern or starts with Nice-, and certainly nothing old-fashioned, and I totally had to make up and/or misspell names to get even a few unlikely examples. We could start playing with spelling, but then it’s like all those kids named Naveah and Neveah: it doesn’t make sense if it doesn’t have a hidden word in it anymore. Sigh. Well, I suppose the idea is a bust, but it might work for other people trying to use a name in similar circumstances.

I will tear myself away from this topic and turn my attention to the other issue. An old-fashioned boy name, not starting with M, ideally ending with -n, ideally appropriate for a small-framed nerdy type, with good nicknames. Hm. I came up pretty dry on that, but we will hope the commenters have more success.

Alexander (Alex, Zan, Xander)
Augustus (Gus)
Benjamin (Ben)
Calvin (Cal)
Ezekiel (Zeke)
Judah (Jude)
Leopold (Leo)
Nathaniel (Nate)
Solomon (Sol)
Theodore (Theo)
Wilson (Will)

I think your choice of Sebastian/Baz is best, though I am also partial to Wilson/Will and Augustus/Gus and Calvin/Cal.

Baby Naming Issue: Politely Using the Same Baby Name Someone Else Used

14 Replies

Erin writes:

I am now 16 weeks pregnant, due in mId March. My husband and I tried for about 2 years undergoing fertility testing and 3 IUI’s. We ultimately had our happy ending when we got pregnant naturally between our 3rd IUI and beginning our first round of IVF.

During the time that we were trying we watched our friends and family conceive naturally and easily and have their babies. Our very close friends got pregnant with twins the year before we finally conceived. They were boys named Ayden and Noah. They have an older child named Chloe that my husband and I watched while they were in the hospital having the twins. We are now the Godparents of Ayden.

Here’s the tricky part – my husband and I picked out the names Adin Kennedy (Conant) and Madelin Hope (Conant) YEARS ago…and by that I mean close to 2 years before we started trying. The significance of the boy name is that the village we live in was founded by a man named Adin and my husband loves the Kennedy’s. We are not shy about the names we have picked, but don’t open up conversations with it. It was heartbreaking for us that one of the twins was named Ayden. However, we are going to plug forward and still use the name.

My question ultimately is: How do we politely deal with using the same name (even though it’s different spelling) as our Godson and is it really that big of a deal? They will be a year apart. I find out in a few weeks if it is a boy or a girl, but feel very strongly that it is a boy.

This is a very interesting question: we often discuss here whether a name can be reused in a particular situation, but it’s a different matter to discuss how exactly to pull it off in a polite way that eases the situation for everyone—especially when we know there are people who feel that names are one-time-use items, and that any second use of a name constitutes stealing.

In your particular case, it helps considerably that the name is a common one. If both children were to be named, say, Deegan, I suspect there’d be more room for hard feelings. Aiden/Aidan/Ayden/Aaden/Aden/Ayden is, when spellings are combined, significantly more common than the #1 most common name in the United States, and it would be hard to imagine someone feeling as if it were their own unreusable idea.

It further helps that you’re choosing a different spelling, and that both the name and the spelling have special significance for you. And it further helps that you’ve had this name picked out for a long time.

Do you see how I am gathering up reassurances, and yet still nervously skirting the actual practical application of them? It’s one thing for me to be certain that it is fine for you to use the name Adin; it is another thing to think of how to encourage your friends to share that certainty.

Because you are close friends, I suspect that the topic of your pregnancy will be a common one. They’ll ask how you’re feeling, whether you’ve felt the baby kick, etc. At some point, the discussion will almost certainly turn to baby names. This is when, if I were in your shoes, I would be prepared to let them know. The exact wording will depend on your own speaking style and on the way you usually talk to your friends, but the essence, I think, would be:

Them: “So, have you guys thought about names?”
You guys: “Oh, we chose names back before we even started trying: Madelin Hope for a girl, and Adin Kennedy for a boy.”

This is where you look carefully for reactions. Their faces will do one expression when you say Madelin, and there may be a sudden change or flicker when you say Adin. They may be feeling the same heartbreak you felt when they used the name, so what is needed here is SPIN. I suggest filling this moment with propaganda: what a happy surprise it was for you when your dear godson had the name you loved so much; how your love for your godson has only improved your love for the chosen name; how fun you think it will be to have “the Aidans” growing up together. This would also be a good time to discuss how you chose the name Adin, and how you’ll be spelling it. The tone throughout should be happy and excited: finally you get to tell them the secret name and the wonderful coincidence, and isn’t this FUN!

After that, how things go will depend on their reaction. Some people keep their feelings to themselves and soldier through it with pretend delight. Some people feel the actual delight. Some people speak frankly of a negative reaction. Some people have to process the information before they can react, and may bring it up again later. All this is why I started with the reassurances: I believe you are doing the right thing by using the name you chose. There could nevertheless be consequences to the decision that may be difficult to deal with. We will hope for the best ones: that your friends will be pleased, and/or that they will realize that it is just fine for you to be using the same name. Or that you will have a girl!

Name update! Erin writes:

Here is a picture of Adin Kennedy. Our little man arrived just over 6 weeks early and, added to our journey of infertility, we got to experience NICU. We were on the very lucky end and had a relatively short stay. He is going to be 6 weeks tomorrow and his due date is Wednesday! He is growing like a weed and performing at or above all of the developmental milestones.

Baby Naming Issue: Popular Middle Names

19 Replies

Allyson writes:

Thank you for answering my previous question regarding the name Mackenzie. I am fairly sure we will go ahead and use it if we have a girl. Now, on to the middle name.

And now, a quiz- if I told you I was born in 1980, I bet you could figure out my middle name in three guesses or less. Around 95% of my friends have either Elizabeth, Marie, or Ann as a middle name (mine is Marie). Do you see where I’m going with this? I love the name Grace. It’s a great middle name because it goes with everything. It’s feminine and is perfect to offset the spunkier Mackenzie first name. Mackenzie Grace. Perfect, right? Except I’ve lost count of the number of baby girls I’ve come across in the past year or two with that middle name. It seems to be the go-to middle name of the 2010s. In 30 years, will little Mackenzie be saying “I was born in 2012, so of course my middle name is Grace”?

Thoughts?

I wish so much that the Social Security Administration would let us snoop around in the middle names as well as in the first names. I’m sure you’re right that Grace (along with Rose and Elizabeth) is one of the main middle names of this current generation of baby girls—but I’d love to know to what EXTENT we’re right. I suspect that although Grace and Rose are the Ann and Marie of today, they’re still not used as much as Ann and Marie were.

I think the attitude toward middle names has changed a little. I could be completely wrong about this (“feeling like” something is a certain way is what leads people to say that their child’s name got popular AFTER they used it, even when that’s not the case), but it seems like middle names didn’t used to get quite so much attention. It seems like they used to be more of a “tie the first and last names together” name from the “sounds nice” category—whereas now there’s more careful agitation put into the choice. There were PLENTY of people agitating over choosing meaningful interesting middle names for their kids in previous generations, and there are PLENTY of people choosing Rose and Grace as this generation’s sounds-nice bridge names—but I’ll bet if we had statistics (OH HOW I WISH WE DID), we’d see middle names doing what first names have been doing: spreading out from a smaller selection to a larger one. And if we could do a massive survey, I’ll bet the answer to “How did you choose the middle name?” would be more heavily slanted in previous generations toward “I dunno, it just sounded nice” than it is today.

All this is to say that although Grace is certainly a popular middle name for baby girls right now, I’ll bet today’s popular middle names are used for a much smaller percentage of baby girls than the previous batches of popular middle names were—just as the 2010 #1 name Isabella is used for a much smaller percentage of baby girls than the 1970s #1 name Jennifer was, or than the 1950s #1 name Linda was, or than the 1930s #1 name Mary was.

I do think that if I were choosing a common/current name as a child’s first name, I’d try to avoid a common/current middle name. There can be some fun in a shared name: my son William frequently has the same two other Williams in his classes at school, and they say “Hi, William!” “Hi, William!” to each other and crack up every time, and they’ll refer to themselves as “the Williams” and so forth. But for me, the fun dissipates if I picture saying to one of the other William mothers, “Oh, what’s his middle name?” and hearing it’s the same as my William’s middle name. It goes from the “We have such great taste, don’t we?” feeling of showing up at the party with the same dress, to the “I guess we both saw the same mannequin” feeling of showing up also in the same shoes and jewelry.

If your grandmother’s name were Grace and you were asking if you could go ahead and use it, I would be all for it. I’d remind you that even if there are lots of Mackenzie Graces out there, it’s not like she’ll be running into them every single day. I’d emphasize that I think it’s wise to let the love/meaning of the name trump popularity concerns. I’d mention that one-syllable bridge names are few and far between, and that they really do make a name sound great. And I will STILL emphasize those things: if you love it, if you WANT it, then USE it. But if you just like the sound of it, I suggest finding another, less common name you like the sound of.

Baby Naming Issue: How to Introduce a Child With a Nickname?

16 Replies

Kylie writes:

So Elizabeth Marguerite arrived August 15th. We call her Eliza. New question: when you have a child that has a given name but you call them by a nickname how do you introduce them to people, by given name or nick name? This is something new for me.

I think it depends on the age of the child, on who’s doing the asking, and on how pervasive you want the nickname to be.

When a baby is first born, I think everyone wants to know the full name, and so I’d say to all the people in your lives (relatives, friends, co-workers, fellow club members, acquaintances, nurses at the hospital), “Her name is Elizabeth Marguerite. We’re calling her Eliza.”

For strangers who coo over her in the store and ask what the little sweetie-biscuit’s name is, I think you could say “Elizabeth” or “Eliza”—or, if the stranger were Swistle or seemed otherwise especially interested, you could say “Elizabeth, and we’re calling her Eliza.”

Once she’s older, I think a good rule of thumb would be to introduce her as you’d like her to be called by the people you’re introducing her to. If you want everyone to call her Eliza, say her name is Eliza. If you want people to call her either Elizabeth or Eliza, whichever they’d prefer (but not to launch off into Liz and Beth and Libby), I’d introduce her as “Elizabeth—or Eliza, for short.” If a little kid at the park asks what her name is, say whichever name you think the little kid should call her. At the doctor’s office or school office, you’ll refer to her as Elizabeth, because that’s what they’ll have on the paperwork, but when you meet the actual doctor or actual teacher, go with “This is Elizabeth; we call her Eliza” or “This is Elizabeth—or Eliza, for short,” depending on if you want the call-her-Eliza-please option or the call-her-Elizabeth-or-Eliza options.

As she gets older, she may help you by expressing her own preference. If you’ve called her Eliza all along, she’ll probably introduce herself that way, and you can teach her to say politely things such as “Oh, yes, my full name is Elizabeth, but I mostly go by Eliza.”

More ideas for introducing a child with a nickname?

Baby Naming Advice For First-Time Parents

17 Replies

(I’m writing this post so I can link to it later!)

1. If you might have more than one child, and you’d like your children’s names to go well together, think ahead of time about sibling names. This makes things harder for you NOW, when it’s hard to even come up with ONE name—but will make things easier for you later. Most people like a name or two from almost any style category, but like big clumps of names from one or two style categories. It’s easy to inadvertently choose one of the outlier names, and then find nothing else you like goes with that style. Paul and I came very close to giving ourselves a problem with this: our first child was a boy, but if he’d been a girl our top choice was Emerson. We didn’t realize at the time that Emerson was an outlier for us: a single name we like from one style, when our main style is quite different.

I like The Baby Name Wizard for this: because she separates names into style categories, it’s easy to go through and find which categories you’re drawn to. You might see two names you like in one category, but another category you might think “OOOOoooooo, I like so MANY of these!” Choose from the second type of category, and you’re likely to find it easier to choose sibling names later on.

2. If possible, don’t choose the middle name first. Sometimes the particular middle name is so crucial, it MUST be carved in stone before the first name is chosen—but this is unusual, and it severely restricts first-name options. So, if possible, concentrate on choosing the first name FIRST, and THEN turn your attention to the middle name options. I don’t like to even CONSIDER middle names until the first name finalist list is solid, because I don’t want to get attached to a certain middle name and then find myself stuck.

3. Keep in mind that almost all self-imposed restrictions (“Has to start with an E,” “Can’t start with an E,” “Has to have three syllables,” “Can’t start with the same letter as our surname,” “Has to go with William as the middle name,” “Can’t be anything starting with Em because my sister’s daughter is Emma and anything starting with Em would be too close,” “Can’t be the name of anyone we’ve ever known,” “Can’t be the name of any child I’ve ever had in class,” “Can’t be in the Top 100,” etc.) are PREFERENCES—preferences you can elect not to satisfy. It’s up to you: you’re the one making the rules, so you’re the one who can change them. It’s easy to start letting the restrictions pile up until NO name can possibly meet them—and then to continue to quest for it anyway until you drive yourself insane. If choosing the name starts to seem like a puzzle that’s impossible to solve, look over the preferences list and ask yourself which of them really must be honored and which ones can be scratched off the list. (See also: Preferences vs. Requirements.)

4. Every name rules out a batch of other names for future siblings. (This concept blew my mind when I first read about it in Beyond Jennifer and Jason.) This will depend on your own preferences, but includes things such as the idea that if you use the name Rose, you won’t later want to use Lily or Violet. Or if you use Ethan, maybe that rules out Evan and Ian. Or if you use a unisex girl name, maybe that rules out frilly girl names. Or maybe you don’t want to repeat initials within the sibling group, so using Ethan rules out Evelyn and Elizabeth and Edward.

Whatever your preferences are, look carefully ahead of time and make sure you’re choosing the name you want most from the Elimination Group. If you only want one flower name, look at ALL the flower names and choose your favorite. If you only want one biblical name, look at ALL the biblical names and make sure you have the one you like best. If you don’t want to repeat initials, look at ALL the other names with the initials of your finalists and make sure you’re choosing your favorite NOW. (This ties in to #3, too: remember that many of these things are preferences and CAN be waived if you find a name you love to the point of despair. A family with a Rose AND a Lily will be fine; a family with an Ethan and an Edward will be fine. When possible, let the beloved name outrank the self-imposed preference.)

5. There is no One Perfect Fated Name. Some people have the lightning bolt reaction to a name (“That’s IT!!!”), but most people make a list of finalists they’re both okay with, and then one finalist gradually rises to the top until the parents say “This? Yeah, I guess it’s this! Okay, let’s use this!” Lack of lightning bolt doesn’t mean it’s the wrong choice. Sometimes for parents who are having a lot of trouble agreeing, there is only The Best Possible Choice—and that is good enough. Perspective is important here: choosing a name is an important responsibility and we shouldn’t take it lightly—but on the other hand, in the Universal Scheme of Things it’s a minor event. It’s tempting, I think, to think of it as if the child already has a name and that it’s our job to holy-grail-quest until we find it—but there’s likely a large group of names that would all work well for the child, and it’s a matter only of choosing the one you think is probably best.

6. Imagine a baby in your arms. Think of cooing the name to the child. Does it seem like Your Baby? Many of us (especially baby-name hobbyists!) have huge lists of names we love—but a much, much smaller list of names that would be right for our own families. Finding a name that seems like My Baby doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right name—but finding a name that DOESN’T seem like My Baby can help narrow down the list.

7. Imagine the name on a minister, a receptionist, a lawyer, a Target clerk, someone who’s plump and wears glasses. Imagine someone introducing themselves to you with that name. Imagine introducing yourself to someone, if it was your name. Does the name WORK?

Baby Naming Issues: Would You Notice a Pattern of Vowel Names? Is Amelia Too Close to Emmelia?

14 Replies

Tracy writes:

I emailed you a few weeks (possibly months, I can’t remember exactly) ago about names for our little girl that is due in October. When I emailed before, I wanted some name suggestions. Now, however, we have a different problem.

My husband and I spent hours reading/highlighting The Baby Name Wizard, but we did it seperately. We tend to have very different tastes in names, so we each made our own list. From those lists, we narrowed the names down to only the ones we had in common. (Of course, my favorite name, Eliza, isn’t anywhere on his list. *sigh*)

Here are the names:
Claire
Amelia
Evangaline
Nora
Charlotte
Lucy

My problem is two fold:

1. Our other children’s names are Olivia, Austin, and Isaac. Would it be weird to go with a name that doesn’t start with a vowel for our last child?

2. If we were to stay with a vowel name, we would probably go with Amelia right now. However, my cousin (who does live far away, and I only see about once every 3 years.) just named her baby girl Emmelia. Are these too similar? Would it be “stealing” her name?

Any thoughts? Suggestions? Our last name is similar to Abbey, and with several of the names, we’d probably use Claire as a middle name.

Thanks!

I am certain that we’ve had the vowel-name question before, and that we did a poll and most people said they wouldn’t notice a vowel-name pattern unless it was pointed out to them. But can I find this poll in my archives? No. So either I’m imagining it, or I’m not using the right search terms, and in any case let’s have a fresh poll over to the right. It’s not something I would notice myself (though I might now that it’s come up a few times in questions here), and if I did notice it, I would think it was kind of a fun thing to notice, but I wouldn’t think it was weird to break it. With five different starting letters included, it’s a much “softer” pattern than, say, every name starting with the same letter. Madison, Mackenzie, Makayla, and Abigail would catch my attention; Olivia, Austin, Isaac, and Lucy would not.

Let’s have a second poll for whether Amelia is too close to Emmelia. For me it depends in part on whether Emmelia is pronounced the same as Amelia or not. If it’s more like Emma-Leah, and/or they call her Emmie, then I don’t see a problem: different pronunciations, different spellings, different names. If Emmelia is pronounced the same as Amelia, I STILL think it’s okay: you’ve mentioned you don’t see her often, and even if you did I think it’s fine for second cousins to share a name. If you spelled it her same unusual way I could see how she’d see it as copying her, but I suspect your cousin would consider Emmelia a totally different name than Amelia. But I’d be a little nervous too, if I were you—people can have such strong feelings about “stealing” names. I’d go ahead and use it, but I’d fret a little, and I might even email the cousin to feel things out ahead of time (but only if I were willing to drop the name if she freaked out about it).

Both polls are over to the right! [Polls closed; see results below.]

vowel

Name update! Tracy writes:

Our little girl has arrived!

Eliza Claire was born October 18th, 2011. For a while, we had decided her name would be Ammelia, per advice of your readers that it wasn’t too close. However, I just really felt like it wasn’t “our name” anymore. Not that I aspire to be “original”, but it felt like I wasn’t creative enough to come up with another name. I finally convinced my husband, after countless repetitions of calling the baby by the name, to name her Eliza. Oddly enough, her middle name, which we were both pretty certain on before she was born, was not decided until right before we left the hospital. Second guessing ourselves.

Anyway, here’s the picture. Thanks so much for the help!