Category Archives: reference

Baby Name Issues That Weren’t Important in the Long Run

I was thinking today about some of the things I was worried about when choosing my babies’ names, and how little those things ended up mattering in the long run. Here were a few of my worries:

• The initials of two names spelled something like I.V.—not negative, exactly, but you wouldn’t call them positive either, and they definitely called something to mind

• One name had so many syllables—TOO many?

• One name had three really good middle-name candidates, very hard to choose

• One name was much less common than our usual style

• One name repeated two sounds of an already-used name

• One name was very close to my brother’s name, while not actually being my brother’s name

• One name was more common than our usual style

• One middle name wasn’t a family name, when we’d been using family names as middle names

• One name we liked quite a bit, and it was the only one we agreed on, but we didn’t LOVE it

• One name was a family honor name, but we hadn’t done any other family honor names as first names

• One name was hard to spell

• One middle name was an honor name of someone we wanted to honor, but we really didn’t like the name—and the name was also the name of one of my serious ex-boyfriends

• One name was not the most common spelling of a name

• Two names came from a TV show

• Our twin names were quite different in style and length

• I worried that two middle names would be a hassle, or that it wasn’t a good idea to put my maiden name in there

• A baby name book said our favorite boy name would “go girl”; I disagreed…and yet, I worried the book was right and I was wrong

• One name was only one syllable and I worried it was too choppy and/or would be nicknamed because of it

• One name seemed like it might indicate religious affiliation

When I look over this list now, it is not TOO hard to re-create the feelings of anxiety I had over all these issues—and yet they matter so little now. Looking down the list and evaluating each one:

• The initials of two names spelled something like I.V.—not negative, exactly, but you wouldn’t call them positive either, and they definitely called something to mind: no one has mentioned it to us or to the child, and it has not bothered me; I think of it every so often in an “oh, yeah, I forgot about that!” sort of way.

• One name had so many syllables—TOO many?: Not an issue at all; if anything, it’s made me like longer names more.

• One name had three really good middle-name candidates, very hard to choose: I’m glad we chose the one we did, but I think I’d feel the same way if we’d chosen either of the two others.

• One name was much less common than our usual style: I’m so glad we went with it, and I love it, and I doubt anyone cares that it’s less common than the others.

• One name repeated two sounds of an already-used name: Hasn’t been an issue.

• One name was very close to my brother’s name, while not actually being my brother’s name: A few times, I’ve called the child by my brother’s name or my brother by the child’s name, which has been fine; a few times, I’ve wished we’d just gone ahead and used my brother’s name, since I don’t think it would have been as confusing as we’d feared it would be.

• One name was more common than our usual style: Periodically I regret that the name is so common—but I don’t regret using the name, because the type of person we envisioned when we thought of that name is the type of person the child IS, which is fun.

• Two middle names aren’t family names, and three are: No one cares, including us—and no one mentioned it when our third and fourth children didn’t have family middle names after our first two children did.

• One name we liked quite a bit, and it was the only one we agreed on, but we didn’t LOVE it: Now it seems perfect.

• One name was a family honor name, but we hadn’t done any other family honor names as first names: No one cares, including us; if anything, I’m glad we saved the honor name for a non-first child, so that no one expected us to keep that up.

• One name was hard to spell and was not the most common spelling of the name, but for a good reason: Sometimes it gets misspelled; at those times, we correct the spelling; no regret on using the spelling, because it was worth it.

• One middle name was an honor name of someone we wanted to honor, but we really didn’t like the name—and the name was also the name of one of my serious ex-boyfriends: I did have to tell the ex-boyfriend directly that it wasn’t after him (he remarked on it as if it were significant, so I corrected him), but that was not a big deal; the honored person was so pleased and I think of him each time I think of the name, and I’m so glad we used it.

• Two names came from a TV show: No one cares, including us.

• Our twin names were quite different in style and length: When I was first telling people their names, I did feel like there was a little let-down feeling among the people I was telling: they’d hoped for something more TWINNY. But that has not mattered in the long run. And although I DO wish we’d been able to find names we loved that were more twinny, I’m happy with each name individually.

• I worried that two middle names would be a hassle, or that it wasn’t a good idea to put my maiden name in there: I can count on one hand the number of times we had to deal with it—and all of the issues were minor. For example, once a school thought that the child had two surnames, and once a school though the child had two first names; both times, I just sent in a note making the correction. We also found that sometimes forms only allow for one middle initial. Now that I know what kind of errors can be made, I am just very clear when I fill out paperwork for the first time (and I chose a consistent middle initial for each of us, for times when we can only have one), and I don’t think we’ve had an error in years. Meanwhile, I feel very very happy that they have my maiden name in there, and I feel freshly happy every time I fill out paperwork.

• A baby name book said our favorite boy name would “go girl”; I disagreed…and yet, I worried the book was right and I was wrong: I was right and the book was wrong.

• One name was only one syllable and I worried it was too choppy and/or would be nicknamed because of it: No.

• One name seemed like it might indicate religious affiliation: It’s possible it does, especially when combined with a larger family—but it hasn’t come up, and we haven’t found it to be a problem.

I do think names are important. I do think they deserve a lot of thought and care. But I think there are a lot of issues that SEEM important during the naming process, but then they don’t turn out to be important in the long run. Have you found this to be the case, too? What things were you anxious about during the naming process that turned out to be unimportant in the long run?

Baby Name to Consider: Milborough; Also, a List of Considerations for Considering a Name

78 Replies

Anna writes:

Not expecting yet, but I am constantly looking for that elusive “sweet spot” name. Our surname is a very common, two syllable, ending in -son. My most recent obsession is the name Milborough for a girl. Though I adore her in her full form, obviously it naturally lends itself to Millie as a nickname should one be desired.

As for middles I am found the below:

Milborough Jane
Milborough Maud
Milborough Frances (Family name)

However, I have two reservations about realistically using in the future. First, does it sound too masculine? And secondly, is the borough ending make for an unflattering place name, as in towns/suburbs? Should she have a brother, only planning to two at the most, I do adore the name Maguire. Though we are not Irish (cause for concern?) I thought it was a nice pairing nonetheless.

All suggestions/additions are welcome! Thank you all!!!!

I have a mental checklist I go through when considering if I think a word I’m not familiar with as a name would make a good name. It’s not a formal, written-down checklist, but I’ll see if I can create it here:

1. Is it a NICE SOUND? I generally re-write it with several different spellings to make sure I’m really thinking of it as sounds rather than as a word. I say it aloud repeatedly, so that the novelty of it wears off a bit and I can hear it as if I were already familiar with it.

2. Does it have name-like qualities? That is, are the sounds of the word similar to the sounds present in names, and/or are there other ways to understand it in the context of existing names (for example, Dandelion can be associated with Daisy and Violet; Berlin is a place like Brittany and Georgia). Is there a nickname that’s already a familiar, established name? Is there a quick explanation for people unfamiliar with the name, something I can imagine saying many, many times (“It’s the town where I grew up,” “It’s a family surname,” “It’s like ____ but with an N”)?

3. Is this a name I would want for myself? Can I picture introducing myself with this name? This one needs additional adjustment for generational differences: that is, it’s hard to picture introducing myself as Cadence, too, just because that name wasn’t around when I was born.

4. Now I see if I can picture introducing my child and using the name in daily life. I test it out: “Mom and dad, the baby is here! We’ve named her _______!” “Hello, I’m calling to make an appointment for _______’s 5-year physical.” “_____, time for dinner!” “______, did you finish your homework?” “______, I told you to clean up your room!” “________, stop hitting your brother!”

5. How do I think I would react to this name if I encountered it on a child? on a class list? on a resume? on a doctor, a politician, a teacher? on a store clerk’s name tag?

6. Does this name seem like it would work on a variety of person types? That is, can I picture it on someone plump, someone plain, someone beautiful, someone studious and serious, someone outgoing and athletic, someone shy and sweet?

7. Is it possible to think of sibling names for this name? (Applicable only for parents who prefer sibling names to go together.) Sometimes we can fall in love with a name that is a great name and yet not a good fit for our family. (That’s the kind of name I LOVE for a middle name.)

That might not be all of them, but those are the ones that came to mind.

So for Milborough, let’s start with the sound. I’d re-spell it a bit, to try to disconnect the look of the word with the sound of it: Mill-burrow. Mill-burro. Mil-ber-o. Etc. The “mil” segment sounds nice to me, and the -o ending is on-trend. The “ber” sound is the only one not currently nice to my ear. I also notice burrow, burro, and burough, none of which are particularly pleasing—though not particularly displeasing, either.

Now to evaluate the name-like qualities. “Mil” is familiar from Milly, Millicent, Milton, etc. “Burr/ber” is familiar from Wilbur, Kimberly, Amber, Bernice, etc. The -o ending is familiar from Leo, Hugo, Milo, Cleo, Pedro, etc. And as you’ve mentioned, Milly/Millie is a familiar nickname. We’re also familiar already in our society with place names.

The question about whether we’d want this name for ourselves is going to be largely temperament-based—and of course we don’t know what the child’s temperament will be. Still, I’ve found this exercise helpful for making me think realistically about a name. If I picture myself standing around at preschool pick-up, meeting other parents and saying, “Hi, I’m Milborough,” that gives me a very different feeling about the name than if I’m looking at it on a baby name list. Again, this effect has to be adjusted for the generational difference—but I still find it a useful way to play around with a name.

From here I remove the generation-gap issue and picture instead being at preschool drop-off, introducing both of us. “Hi! I’m Kristen, and this is Milborough.” Then on to other scenarios at a variety of ages. “Milborough, did you finish your homework?” “Milborough, you missed your curfew again, so you’re grounded for two weeks.” “Milborough, time for dinner!” “I’m calling for an appointment for Milborough’s 8-year physical.” “Milborough, can you run to the store and get milk?”

Next I picture it encountering it on someone else. A parent at preschool pick-up says to me, “Hi, I’m Milborough!” or “Hi, I’m Jen, and this is Millborough!” My child’s teacher’s name is Milborough Anderson. A candidate’s political signs say Vote for Milborough Mason. The clerk at Target has a name tag that says Milborough. I’m helping my child with their class valentines, and Milborough is on the list. I’m in the store and I hear a parent say, “Milborough!! Stop that RIGHT NOW!!” And so on.

I move on to the visual. It helps to do this while I’m out on errands: I look at a variety of children and adults and picture the name Milborough on each of them. Does it work better on some than others? I also visualize various stereotypes in my head: the plump plain girl with bad hair, the cheerleader, the girl who hates anything stereotypically girly, the smart girl, the dramatic girl, the shy and sensitive girl who hates drama, and so on. Does it work better on some than others?

And finally, sibling names. You’ve got Maguire for a boy, and I agree that goes well with Milborough. Are there girl names on your list that would be compatible with Milborough? Would you want to use Maguire with the nickname Maggie? Milborough and Maguire; Millie and Maggie.

As to whether Milborough sounds masculine or feminine, it hits my own ear as unisex. The Milly/Millie nickname gives it a more feminine tilt, but Milton doesn’t seem feminine; the -o ending is more typically used for boys’ names, but Cleo doesn’t seem masculine. The three name sounds (mil, ber, and o) are all used in names for both boys and girls.

Current usage is what makes us feel a name is “a boy name” or “a girl name”; with an unused name such as Milborough, it’s harder to say for sure how the name will be perceived—and it may go in a different direction if it comes into style and others start using it too (Mackenzie is a good example of this). The name Aspen could have gone either way, but currently it’s girls 601 to 57. There’s nothing about London that makes it “for girls,” but it’s currently used for girls 3179 to 482. Cody could just as easily be a girl name, but right now it’s boys 1988 to 22. Paris is used more often for girls, Dallas more often for boys. Miller is probably the closest name to Milborough; in 2012 it was given to 47 girls and 178 boys. And yet Miller does sound more masculine to me, while Milborough continues to sound unisex.

With a very distinctive and unusual first name, my own preference is to go with a familiar and unambiguous middle name. However, I also think it’s a good idea to choose a middle name you like very much, in case the child decides to go by it. My own favorite of your first/middle combinations is Milborough Jane: I like the rhythm of it, I like the familiarity of it, and I love the name Jane anyway.

Let’s have a poll to see what everyone else thinks of Milborough as a name candidate:

[yop_poll id=”28″]

Baby Boy or Girl Sauce-a-man, Sibling to Russell (Russ); Also, a List of Things to Watch Out for When Choosing an Outlier Name

27 Replies

Leann writes:

My husband and I are expecting our second child in September, and since we love the element of surprise a new baby brings, we chose not to know the sex of the baby until he or she arrives. However, we are very much in the same boat naming-wise as we were two years ago with our first, a boy, Russell (Russ), trying to choose a girl name that just feels right for us. Russ was my late grandfather’s name, and is so special to us both, we knew it was “the one” for a boy, but we had several girl name options going into the delivery room. Not much has changed this time either!

Our last name sounds like Sauce-a-man. I had worried about it being a mouthful with Russell, but really we haven’t had any problems with it. For a boy we really like the name Burke Velde. Burke is just a surname we have heard that is not really “significant” to the family, but Velde is my husband’s grandfather’s name, and we like that as a middle name. There were no other notable contenders for a boy name, but I haven’t completely closed the door either.

For girl names we are stumped. I love the name Louise (nn. Lou) for a little girl. My husband loves the name Wynn (nn. Winnie). I like his name choice too, and he likes mine, but we LOVE our own picks. Haha. I would “let” him choose Wynn, really, if I could get rid of the feeling that it looks/sounds kind of made up. Do you think it seems like a made up name or a super trendy name? I just wonder about my dad “getting it” or spelling it correctly eventually if it is too out there.

We haven’t chosen a middle name for a girl yet because I read on your blog not to pin yourself in with a middle if you haven’t chosen a solid first yet…so…that’s what we are doing J We have read a particular naming book that was helpful for finding our “style” which ended up crossing into a few others, but mostly sticking to more traditional, older names. I work with senior citizens, and this did not surprise me at all! Burke may be an outlier from our style, do you think that is a terrible thing?

Our other names for a girl were: Meryl, Marie, Winifred, Diane

Other names on our boy list were: Reid (didn’t want to be the “R” family), Clark

Ruth was a top contender along with Louise for our first baby, but now that he is a Russ, I would rather not be the Russ-Ruth-_R_______ family if we are fortunate to have more! (Which I hope we are!)

Again, thank you (and your readers!) so much for any suggestions,

Wynn seems neither made-up nor trendy to me. I also like the spelling Wynne.

But my attention is seized by Winifred in your list. This seems like the perfect name to me: underused, definitely not made-up or trendy, and you could use Wynn as the nickname. Russell/Russ and Winifred/Wynn. I especially love Winifred Louise.

No, I don’t think it’s a terrible thing to use a name that’s a style outlier for you. I think the things to watch for are:

• that the name not make the group of names sound comical, or make it seem as if the parents have special plans/hopes for one child (David, Einstein, and Andrew, for example)

• that the name not suggest to hearers that the parents wanted a child of the opposite sex (three girls named Isabella, Sophia, and Elliot, for example)

• that the name not cut you off from names you might want to use in the future, by making the style-outlier-name child seem more and more left out of the group if you choose the names you usually like

While Burke feels somewhat different in style and popularity, both Russell and Burke are surname names and seem compatible.

I like Clark even better, though. Burke when said aloud makes me think of burp and berk. Clark has a similar snappy sound, and goes very well with other names from your lists. Or Blake would be nice, or Beck, or Grant.

Name update! Leann writes:

We were so happy you jumped in and helped us! After probably too much discussion, we tabled our names for a bit, and actually ended up making the final decision whilst in the car zooming to the hospital in labor :)

We were blessed with a baby girl.

You were so right! (As were many of your readers…) We had been overlooking THE name that we’d already had on our list. We named her Winifred Marie. I love it more every day. One of the comments that stuck out to us was this one by Heather, “A lot of vintage names come across as all pearls and lace, but Winifred can make you tea and beat your sorry behind at golf”. I think you were right, it was right in our “style” the whole time!

Here is a photo of Russell and Winifred together… this is as close as he would get to her!

Again, thank you so much! We so appreciated the help!

When You Have Many Favorite Baby Name Styles, How Do You CHOOSE?

27 Replies

Erin writes:

I’m hoping you could help me with a conundrum I’m having, and it may be that others are experiencing the same thing. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for two years now – during that time I found your site and have been an avid reader ever since. I was already a name nerd, and having two years to think about names has resulted in a huge name list! I’m not sure how we will end up building our family, or if we’ll end up living child-free, but either way I want to be prepared. I’m very much a planner, and having a general idea of which names we’d like to use would help me feel more at peace.

The problem is we like so many names in different categories! I’ve read your advice on naming your first child, and I’m aware of names that are outliers to our style. But even yet, I still feel like I could name a gaggle of children using a couple different styles.

We like word names, ancient/mythological names, and quirky Bible names. For example, here is a (very) paired down list of some of our favorites.

Boys:
Abel
Atlas
Canaan
Cord/Chord
Dash
Naphtali
Noble

Girls:
Azalea
Daphne
Evening
Geneva
Honor
Sunday
Thisbe

We also like vintage names.
Boys:
Calvin
Jack
Walter
Wesley

Girls:
Alice
Agatha
Daphne
Pearl
Phoebe
Vivienne
Sally
(it’s obviously easier to name girls than boys!)

Can any of these mix and match? For example, I think Daphne could work equally well with Atlas as it could with Calvin. But could Atlas and Calvin be brothers? I don’t think so, but my husband disagrees. He thinks I’m over-thinking it. Could you have Honor and Phoebe as sisters?!

How on earth does a name aficionado pick their favorites? If you have any help, I would appreciate it so much. I know I’ll use the advice offered should I ever get a chance to use these names, and I hope to give an update if that day comes. Thank you in advance for all you do!!

Oh, I know, it’s a terrible problem! I remember going through name books during my first pregnancy and wondering how we were even going to narrow it down.

For me, probably the most helpful tool was imagining introducing the child. I loved the idea of the name Dutch for a boy, for example, but I felt very differently about it if I imagined calling my parents to say, “He’s here! His name is Dutch!,” or making his first appointment with the pediatrician, or registering him for first grade. It’s not that I think we should let such pressures influence us unduly (I think my parents and the pediatrician and the school system would have been fine no matter what we chose), but some of us have the temperament to proudly announce an unusual name and would love responding to the surprised feedback—and others of us don’t, and wouldn’t.

I also found it very helpful to imagine sitting around our dinner table (I see I’m picturing my own childhood family dinner table circa 1982, except I’m the mother) and talking to my actual elementary-school-aged children. Does it feel right to me to picture a little boy named Dutch and a little girl named Marigold? Or does it feel more natural to imagine an Ian and a Clarissa? A William and a Margaret? I love all three sets, but which one feels like My Actual Family? Which one seems right for the report cards and the insurance forms and the summer camp registration? The answer is going to be different for each person.

If two or more styles feel equally right, here are a few ideas:

1. The Combination Name. This is a good method if you have several styles you love, but you’d really prefer to pick one style for all the kids’ names. It does require RANKING the sets, which might not work. But let’s say you have three styles you love: Word, Ancient/Mythological, and Quirky Biblical. And let’s say that when you do the introduction-and-dinner-table tests (or whatever tests are most helpful to you), you find that although any of the three styles work, the Quirky Biblical are the ones you feel are most right for your family—but you’re sad about losing the others. In that case, I’d recommend a first name and two middle names, and I’d set the pattern with the first child: Quirky Biblical first name, then one of the other two styles for each of the two middle names. The sibling names can all coordinate (Biblical Mythical Word Surname, or Biblical Word Mythical Surname), but with different styles in each name position. Or you can have just one middle name, and have it be from the category “We’re Not Going to Use It as a First Name, But We Can’t Bear to Give It Up Entirely.”

2. Double Up. Some names cover more than one category. Pearl, for example, is a vintage name and a word name. Abel/Able is a biblical name and a virtue name. Phoebe is vintage, nature, and biblical. Finding names that satisfy more than one style can be a good way to cram extra name styles into a name.

3. The Happy Assortment. This is a good method if you have several styles you love, and you don’t mind if sibling names go together or not. I think this works best for families of three or more children: Calvin and Atlas seems more like a jarring pair than a happy assortment. The trick is to choose one name from each category, all equally non-coordinated, rather than choosing two names from one category and one name from a totally different category. I also think it works best if the names are approximately the same unusualness and mood: I think Evening and Thisbe is a less startling combination than Evening and Alice or Evening and Sally. And it helps to have a story: if we encounter a family with a Caden, a Brody, and a Harold, it’s not that we think that’s WRONG, it just gives us a natural desire to find out what HAPPENED there. As soon as the mother says, “My grandfather died during my third pregnancy,” our minds settle right down with that. Having a story for each child’s name (“John Calvin is our favorite theologian; I did my thesis on the Titans; and I found the name Evening in a short story and was instantly smitten with it”) BECOMES the unifying feature.

4. Take It Child by Child. I’m strongly in favor of choosing a style before beginning, but did I do that myself? Not really. What Paul and I did was wait until we knew our first child was a boy, and then we chose our favorite boy name and used it. When we were expecting our second boy, we made a second list (excluding names that didn’t work with the first child’s name), and we chose our favorite name from that. And so on. Our naming style changed over the years, too, in ways we couldn’t have anticipated: there were names I would have thought I’d be sad not to use, but by the time we had a chance to use them, I no longer wanted to. As long as you’re keeping the runners-up in mind (“Wait, if we use ____ for a boy, that would mean we wouldn’t want to use ____ if we later had a girl”), I think this is a method that can help you gradually choose the right set of names. I think it’s both fun and practical to think ahead/big-picture, but sometimes it works better to narrow the focus from “the future sibling group of unknown size and sexes” to “the one baby currently at bat.”

5. Naming Other Things. Sometimes the actual primary issue is that we have way more naming interest than we have children to name; if that’s the situation, you’re in good company here. In that case, I recommend finding another outlet for the spare names: pets, dolls, computer networks, book characters, accounts, passwords, other people’s naming questions. It’s nowhere near as satisfying as naming our own actual children, and yet it can soak up some of the extra: when I felt particularly sad about a baby name we couldn’t use, I made it my password and enjoyed typing it in every day for awhile.

********

More advice, please! Did/do you love many styles of names? How did/do/will you handle it?

Name update:

Dear Swistle,

I emailed you nearly 4 years ago about how to choose a name style when one loves so many names. Featuring my question really did help. It settled the fact that we liked mostly noun and mythological names, and favored underused names. It took us a while, but we finally had our little miracle baby! When we found out we were having a girl, I was in love with Daphne, and my husband wanted Aurora. We were at a standstill. Then one evening my parents were rattling off a list of baby names, and this had been going on for quite some time. Our attention had started to wander but we were attempting to remain polite when my mom suggested a name that made both of us stop in our tracks. My husband even said, “Wait, go back!” My parents had visited Évora, Portugal, the year before, and suggested the name Evora: pronounced EH-vor-uh with the emphasis on the first syllable, and the same ‘e’ and ‘o’ sounds as the name Emory. We immediately loved it! We opted out of using the accent above the E, unless we really feel the need to clarify the pronunciation. We have a very simple last name so we decided she could handle a more unusual first name. Our family loves to travel, so we love the tie the name has to Portugal; I love the fact that the Romans named the city, so it is a very ancient name and ancient town with a beautiful Roman temple ruin; and we especially love that her grandparents helped in the naming process. (They were so thrilled we liked the name and immediately started arguing about who first suggested the name! *My mom clearly did, but we haven’t had the heart to break this news to my dad*).

For her middle name we chose to honor my husband’s great aunt Ester, who was more like a grandma to him. Being Swedish, her name was spelled the Scandinavian way, and she was quite vocal about her opinion that the ‘h’ in Esther is silent and therefore, quite unnecessary. She was very spunky and a wonderful woman.

We are proud to introduce our little Evora Ester Green, born November 29, 2016.

Thank you for featuring my question and to you and your readers for all the help and wonderful suggestions! I am so thrilled I finally got to give an update!

Erin & Justin

Baby Girl or Boy Turrawn: Narrowing Down and Finding More

21 Replies

Jessica writes:

Our first baby is due in mid-May and despite diligent effort, I feel like we’re no closer to naming it. We both went through the entire Baby Name Wizard book, then compiled initial boy and girl lists based on the ones we had both marked. We’ve been cutting down those lists but instead of feeling like we like our candidates more and more, we both feel like now none of the names we’re considering are all that great.

I have a hard time articulating which kind of names we like, which is making it harder to find new ideas or to hone in. Being a 1984 Jessica myself, my one strong prohibition is on names that are either very popular right now, or are spiking up the charts (even if with quite low numbers still). I was a Jessica because my parents thought it was unique, and I don’t want to make that mistake.

The last name starts with T and has two syllables. First one rhymes with “her” and second one is like the preposition “on.” Accent on the second syllable: Turr-AWN. First names that start with T or rhyme with -on (eg Anton) don’t work well, but most everything else goes ok.

Middle names are still totally a crapshoot – a few honor candidates, but we’ll wait until we have a first name settled. Might skip the middle altogether at this rate though!

Girl names still on the list:
Arly
Jo (I would prefer a longer version but don’t like any of the options much)
June (having a small resurgence)
Juniper (is spiking in popularity, but just made it into top 1000 – should I worry?)
Lois
Marie
Olive (maybe too spiky? probably parents looking for a variation on Olivia)
Pearl

Girls eliminated by one or the other of us (we each still love some of these):
Ada
Amity
Cora
Edith
Ida
Ione
Iris
Lark
Lee
Nell
Thea

Boys still on the list (ugh, these are so blah)
Calvin
Casper
Emil
Nels
Thaddeus (to be called Thad)

Boys eliminated:
Ambrose
Arlo
August
Lars
Miles
Milo
Oliver
Oscar
Otto
Peter
Rowan

Advice about
1. finding new names to try out
2. why we feel so blah about everything on our lists, or
3. how much I should worry about rising popularity when the names are still quite rare
would be much appreciated! Thanks! I promise a picture update if you post :D

One thing we have on our side now is DATA: when your parents chose the name Jessica in 1984 for its uniqueness, it was already the second most popular girl name in the United States and had been a Top 10 name for almost a decade—but there wasn’t a way for parents to KNOW that. Now we have the Social Security Administration’s name data base, which we can use to show us how common or unusual a name is, and what it’s been doing on its way to that point.

Unfortunately, we can also use it to drive ourselves crazy trying to predict a name’s future. It’s one thing to look up a name and say, “Oh. Shoot. I thought it was new, but it’s #2, so never mind” and another to look up a name and say, “Okay, so it’s only #474—but it’s jumped more than 200 places a year for the past two years. What does that…mean? Is it on the list or off?”

I certainly think it’s wise to check a name’s ranking, but I also think it’s wise to avoid letting that issue dominate the decision to the extent that you choose a name you like significantly less solely because it’s less common. It might be disappointing if a name you love gets much more popular in the years after you use it—but at worst, you still end up with a name you love. I’m imagining the double punch of choosing a less-loved name and then having THAT one be the one that skyrockets!

Furthermore, if the name isn’t popular YET but is only potentially on its way to becoming popular, your child won’t be surrounded by peers sharing the same name. If your parents had named you Jessica in, say, 1962, when it was climbing but still relatively low, they might have been dismayed a decade later when it rose so high, but you would have gone through school the only Jessica in your classroom year after year.

I find I get the blah feeling about names when I’m overwhelmed: too many choices makes me dislike all of them. (It’s the same with choosing paint colors.) Narrowing things down in any way (even if it ends up ADDING names, as in “Okay. So I want an OLD and ESTABLISHED name, which means scratching off these three but adding these twenty”) helps me feel more enthusiastic.

But it IS hard to figure out what exactly puts a name on the Like List, isn’t it! It can help to look at each name individually (as opposed to looking for what the group has in common) and jot down what you like about it—and what you DON’T like. Do you like the name Jo because she was your favorite in Little Women, or is it the unisex sound, or did you once know an awesome Jo? Do you like Juniper because it’s fresh and new, or because you like the nature connection, or because it sounds like Jennifer but Jennifer is too common/mom-name? Is Amity off the list because of -ville, or because it’s a virtue name, or because there’s no good nickname, or because a friend just used it? And so on. I might put the reasons in their own pro/con-sided list, separated from the individual names, so that I could see my various reasons in clumps. It might not be possible to pinpoint the exact reason a particular name is on the list, but listing some of the reasons can help narrow things down: “Huh. It looks like we like the sound of unisex names, but we don’t like them to actually BE unisex” or “Huh. It looks like we like a lot of names because of books we’ve read, and we don’t want to use the name of anyone we know.”

The problem, I think, is that a lot of lists come down to “Huh. It looks like want a name that’s fresh and exciting, to us and to everyone who hears what we’ve chosen—but not something anyone else will want to use for their own babies.” A completely understandable goal, though difficult to apply, and so likely to bring future disappointment.

When it’s hard to figure out what style is your favorite, I recommend putting names from your list into pretend sibling groups. (I recommend this even if you’re planning on having one child total, but it’s even more helpful if you’re planning on more than one.) Names that can’t be grouped with any other names on your list are likely to be style outliers. And having names in sibling groups can help you see which groups feel like Your Family. Are you more the kind of family that would have a Calvin and a June? Or do you picture sitting at the dinner table with a Casper and an Olive?

I’d also recommend putting the names into “rule each other out” groups: If you choose Juniper, June is out. Is Jo also out, because it’s so much shorter or because it starts with the same initial? Would Casper be out because you wouldn’t want to duplicate an ending? In each group, see if you can figure out which of the choices is your favorite.

For finding new names, I recommend playing the Baby Name Wizard game. Look up one of the names on your list in The Baby Name Wizard. Look at the recommended sibling names for that name. Pick the one that catches your eye, and look up THAT name. Look at the sibling names for THAT name, and pick one of THOSE. And so on. Often I find I get into a loop that gives me a good idea of my style: Oliver leads to Leo, which leads to Felix, which leads back to Oliver. Or I’ll see a neighboring entry that catches my eye: when I look up Simon, I notice Solomon and Shepard; or as I flip through the pages on my way to Milo, I happen to notice Dean. This doesn’t always work well with less common names, since those might not be in the listings; in that case, I look in the index, find which categories the name is listed in and/or which names its listed as a sibling name for, and browse THOSE.

I also like the brainstorming game, which is where you take each name on the list and think of as many similar names as you can, without stopping to consider them very much. The names that seem “similar” will vary considerably from person to person, but for example this is how it would look if I started working on your list:

Arly
Carly
Carlin
Carlisle
Clarissa
Harley
Harlowe
Arlene
Marlo
Marian
Arlo
Carlo
Orla
Carson
Garland
Darla
Darcy
Karl
Jo
Joe
Maryjo
Annie Jo
Joy
Jacinta
Georgia
George
Rose
Joan

And so on. Some brainstormed names would make it onto the list; others would remind me of other names I might want to add or other types of names I might want to look into; others would point out that I liked/disliked a certain sound.

As you can see from that list, I also like looking at the boy name list to find girl name ideas, and vice versa. If you like Lois, I wonder if you’d like Louis? If Lee wasn’t quite right for a girl, it might still work for a boy. If you like Calvin, you might like Calla. If Lars and Milo aren’t going to work for a boy, Lara or Mila might work for a girl.

Name update! Jessica writes:

Hi Swistle!

Thank you so much for your post. We spent a lot of time with your strategies and your wonderful commenters’ suggestions. When I went into labor we were still pretty undecided and unenthusiastic about boys’ names, but it turns out we had a girl! And we named her something that was never on our lists and that we hadn’t run by anyone – a dark horse name that we absolutely love – Frances Elisabeth (middle name after great-grandma). I love that Frances has so many nickname possibilities – secretly hoping she likes Frankie – as well as the nice chunky consonants and the overlap in letters with my name. I realized there will probably be a Francis/France pope spike, but it can’t be that big and I don’t mind too much. So far no one has commented in that direction.

Thanks again! Here she is:

What Are Your Favorite Unisex Baby Names?

70 Replies

Reader Melissa had a really good idea: We should do a series of posts called things like “What’s your favorite unisex name?” or “What’s your favorite uncommon name?,” and then have a list of links to that series in the sidebar. It might make a good reference section for people to browse when they’re looking for inspiration.

So let’s try it, and let’s start with “What are some of your favorite unisex baby names?”

If you’re like me, you might be suddenly nervous about your choices. Let’s agree NOT to be: we’ll just list any that come to mind, and it doesn’t matter if they’re our actual top favorites because we can always come back and add more later, and of course our answers don’t have to correspond with names we’d use OURSELVES, and duplicates in the list are fine and expected and even helpful for showing group preferences. We’re just creating an inspiration/idea list for others to look through.

I’ll go first:

Carson
Ellis
Emory
Grey
Hollis
Joe/Jo
Lane
Lee/Leigh
Merritt
Reese/Rhys
Rory
Teagan

Now it is your turn. You can list one or many, whatever you like. Think of it like someone says to you “I’d like to find a good unisex baby name,” and you say “Ooo, how about…?”

Baby Girl or Boy Polanco: Finding the Perfect Name; Is Emerson a Boy Name?

28 Replies

Bonnie writes:

As I searched the internet today, in tears, mind you, (probably thanks to all of these insane pregnancy hormones my doctor keeps talking about), I came across your blog. I felt a wave of relief reading questions from parents-to-be about the dilemmas of naming their children. I always thought I’d pick the perfect name for my child, girl or boy, but now that I am 21 weeks pregnant and have been thinking about names since my husband and I started talking about children.. I’m not sure there IS a perfect name for us. I have always had trouble making decisions, however, this may be one of the hardest. I feel as though I am back in the dress boutique in Manhattan almost three years ago where I was standing in a white dress, in tears, not because I had found the perfect wedding dress, but because NONE of the dresses brought me that “ohmygoodness, this is the one!” feeling, as they are “supposed to”. After countless hours of dress shopping I could not make a decision and my mother and bridesmaids were more frustrated than me. The worst part of this anecdote is that, although I did find a dress that I loved, I still, to this day, question if I should have waited, looked around more, spent more time….

Will that happen to me with our child’s name?

My husband and I are not going to find out the sex of the baby so, even better, I need to find TWO perfect names. I’m focusing on girl’s names right now only because I can’t handle thinking of both! If we have a boy we are considering the name Hudson Gray but it’s very up in the air… in case that helps. Our last name is Polanco.

I love the name Emersyn or Emerson for a girl and we almost had settled on Emersyn Grace until someone in my family mentioned that it is horrible and too masculine and my daughter would always resent me for giving her a “boy’s name”. I have a very short name and no middle name which I have always hated so I want my child to have something longer that comes with a variety of adorable nicknames.

I love Grace as a first name and read many of your posts about possible middle names for it. One of your readers ended up naming her baby Grace McKinley, which I absolutely love. I think calling the baby “Gracie – something” using her middle name would be too cute. However, I am Jewish and by tradition we name according to the first letter of a relation who passed away. I have an E and a B. The E is really the one I wanted to use though, as my grandmother’s name was Elayne and we were very close. Unfortunately, I was never fond of the name Elayne, otherwise that would have been one problem solved. I love names like Adeline, Adelaide, and Hannah. I am also partial to Averie although my husband is not. In our families we also have the names Emmaline and Isadore (my great-grandfather). I love Isadora but I am afraid that children will be mean and call her “Dora the Explorer”. I also have a niece named Isabella, is Isadora too close to her name?

Perhaps I am too all over the place to even ask for help at this point. I’ve spent so much time online and read so many baby name books.. I’m worried the baby will be born and there will be no name to be had.

If you can help, it would be most appreciated!

Thank you!

Let’s start with whether or not Emerson/Emersyn is “a boy name.” Short answer: no.

Long answer: while the suffix “-son” does indicate “son of” in some languages (as do the prefixes Mc- and Mac- and B-), it doesn’t do so in United States English: we instead use the suffix “Junior” to indicate a son named for his father. The name Alison/Allison is not “a boy name,” and neither is the name Madison, even though the ending of the names happen to include an S, an O, and an N, in that order. And now that the -en/-an/-on/-in ending is so popular, many new names have a -son ending— not because they mean “son of,” but because an -en/-an/-on was added to another segment that happened to end in an S, such as Case + -on = Cason.

Other names did come from another language’s father-to-son naming system, but that origin is as relevant as knowing that a name means “oak tree”: interesting, but doesn’t mean the name can’t be used for a child who isn’t a boy named for his father (can the name Jackson only be used for sons of men named Jack, or can others use it as well?), or for a child who isn’t an oak tree.

Even if we wanted to claim that in United States English the ending -son still meant male/”son of,” and even if we were going to try to say that that extended to endings such as -sen and -syn and -synn, we’d need to work with the reality of actual usage. In 2011, according to the Social Security Administration, the name Emerson was given to 730 male babies and 1142 female babies. The name Emersyn was given to 6 male babies and 390 female babies. The name Emmerson was given to 21 male babies and 106 female babies. The name Emersen was given to 57 female babies. The name Emmersyn was given to 51 female babies. The name Emmersen was given to 12 female babies. The name Emersynn was given to 10 female babies.

It becomes increasingly difficult to call a name “a boy name” when it is given to more female babies than male babies. Clearly names are not black and white in that way, and insisting that they SHOULD BE or ARE that way doesn’t change anything. We could also claim that Ashley and Evelyn and Lesley are “BOY names!!”—but where would that get us, now that they are used mostly for girls? Names, like colors and toys, are given to male/female babies according to fashion, not according to stone tablets.

There. That’s the end of the long answer.

You could consider Emerson (with that spelling) as your boy name: it IS still used for boys as well as for girls. Or you could consider Ellison, or Edison, or Emmett, or Elliot, or Everett.

There may indeed not be a perfect name for your baby. The concept of a perfect name existing out there somewhere, FATED specifically for a particular baby but ONLY IF YOU CAN FIND IT, as if the universe itself has selected a name that you must now frantically quest for before time runs out, is a damaging and stressful and upsetting concept for most parents—especially when you’re trying to find it for someone you’ve never even met. Would it have changed the course of your marriage to have found The Perfect Dress? Would you now be happier, more in love, more compatible with your husband? Will finding The Perfect Name change the course of your parenting experience, or change your mother-child relationship?

I find it’s happier and more relaxing to think of the goal as finding a name you like just fine, a name that fits and serves your baby just fine. If you like, you can add the idea that it’s nice to find a name that makes the naming of future siblings easier, by being a name that goes well with other names you usually like. And then, if you DO find a name you think of as perfect after all, what a happy bonus!

One hard lesson of baby-naming is this: No matter what name you choose, someone else is going to hate it. REALLY hate it. And a whole lot of people are going to think it’s lame or boring or weird. You will not find a name that will make every single person, upon hearing it, think, “Wow! That is THE perfect name!” We all have different tastes in baby names—and there tend to be particularly large rifts between generations. Discussing names with a few trusted friends or relatives can be helpful; discussing them with someone who would call a name “horrible” is unhelpful, and I think it would be safe to exclude that family member from future discussions.

I would take comfort in this: if I had any concerns that my child might actually, literally, seriously have his or her life changed by her or his hatred of her or his name, I would decide ahead of time to make my attitude one that welcomed and encouraged the child to change her or his name if he or she wanted to. I’d keep this reaction ready: “Oh, you hate your name? I always hated mine, too! Well, if you ever want to change it when you were an adult, it’s no big deal—probably a matter of a $100 court fee or something like that. What do you think you might like to go by instead? I used to wish my name were Megan!”

And in the meantime, look for a nice name to give the baby as a placeholder. If you’d like to use an E initial, and if you like names like Emersyn and Adeline and Adelaide, I recommend Emmeline/Emmaline. Emmeline Grace is lovely, and you have Emmaline in your family tree! How wonderful!

If you like Averie and Emersyn, I suggest Emery and Everly.

Elayne does have a bit of a dated sound, but I think Elena is beautiful and current. Elena Grace.

I don’t think Isadora will lead to “Dora the Exporer”—and if it does, it’s difficult to stretch that to a negative association. “Nyah, nyah, you’re adventurous and successful!” (Though I guess I might get tired of hearing them sing “D-d-d-d-d-Dora!”) I think Isabella and Isadora are fine for cousins—even better if Isabella goes by Bella and Isadora goes by Izzy. If Isabella goes by Izzy, however, I might look for a different name. Or I might use Isadora as a middle name, where it wouldn’t be an issue. Everly Isadora, Emery Isadora, Elena Isadora.

Beatrice has some sounds and style in common with Grace. Beatrice Isadora is elegant.

More similar to Emersyn, I’d suggest Brinley. Brinley Grace, Brinley Isadora.

Name update! Bonnie writes:

I wanted to update you and your awesome readers on the birth of our new baby! We had a little girl on November 2nd and we decided to name her Emmerson Grace. We were able to come to this decision because of your help and the thoughtful and sincere comments from everyone who read about our naming troubles. I love Emmerson’s name and we have taken to calling her Emmie Grace which I also love.
I will admit, though, it wasn’t one of those “oh she’s here and I KNOW her name is Emmerson”. She didn’t have a name until we were alone with her for a few hours in the hospital, we were deciding between Violet and Emmerson and in the end and it was really a tough call.

In the end I do love her name and I’m glad we went with Emmerson. We get a ton of compliments and she looks like an Emmerson to me! :) Thank you again for all of your help.

Baby Naming Issue: If You Promised Not to Use an Honor Name, Do You Have to Keep That Promise?

24 Replies

Melanie writes:

I have a name question, which, while having no urgency at all, has been driving me crazy for years. I am only trying to get pregnant (unsuccessfully), and therefore have no impending infant to name. However, if I am lucky enough to have a child, I am very set on family names or variations thereof. My grandmother was very important to me and she died when I was young. She always made me promise to never ever name a child after her, as she hated her name – Constance L@vonia. Now L@vonia is truly awful but Constance is something I would consider, at least as a middle name. I just can’t though – I promised. Can you think of an alternative? Some way to honor my grandmother AND her wishes? Thanks!

PS – Id consider HER mother’s name except its a) not really my style and b) has already been used in my generation as an honor name. Other names on that side of the family were names my great great grandmother found in books and then altered to make then unique…and therefore are atrocious. (M3rle, P@lma, Aud@…)

This is a very, very interesting question to me, and it’s going to be an all-over-the-spectrum comments section, I can tell!

Here are the questions/issues, as I see them:

1. Who owns a name?

2. Who is allowed to name a child?

3. Do people really mean it when they say not to use their names?

4. Once the person has died, should their wishes on “not wanting to hear their own name on a baby” still matter? If so: why? (And at which point do their wishes trump your wishes?—see #s 1 and 2.)

5. Should anyone force a child to promise something like that?

6. If a child promises something like that, are they bound to it as an adult?

Let’s start with numbers 5 and 6. I’m reminded of my high school boyfriend, whose deathbed-residing grandfather made him promise to name a son after him. My boyfriend promised, and felt bound by that promise. My feeling on the subject: “YOU WERE SEVEN YEARS OLD AT THE TIME. That was incredibly emotionally manipulative, and totally out of bounds, and completely arrogant and inappropriate of him to demand a namesake, and also it seems pretty chauvinistic because WHAT ABOUT THE FUTURE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD?? Doesn’t HER opinion count for anything?? ‘THE MAN’ gets to promise for both of them?? I THINK NOT!!”

Ahem. I might still be a bit steamed about it.

I think also of my mom’s grandmother, who was…er, enthusiastically involved with the Women’s Christian Temperance Union, and who made all her young grandchildren promise never to touch alcohol—and in fact made them SIGN A CONTRACT to that effect. Is my mother bound by that promise? Certainly not. She was not able to make a promise like that at her age (or to say no to making a promise like that), and my great-grandmother should not have asked her to.

Next I would like to turn attention to numbers 1 and 2, about who owns a name and about who is authorized to make the decision about what to name a baby. We’ve discussed name ownership before, mostly in the context of “Can you re-use a name a friend already used for her baby?,” and in general the idea is that names are many-time-use items (the friend wasn’t the first person to use it EITHER) (unless they actually WERE, but let’s keep this simple), but that we still might want to choose to go with other people’s preferences in the matter because the relationships (and the other people’s feelings) are important to us. But it’s also important to remember that this is because we are being LOVING AND CONSIDERATE PEOPLE (or because we fear conflict), not because we’re “not allowed” to “steal” a name. And what it boils down to is that there is no one who is designated caretaker of a particular name (not the parent of a child with that name, not someone who is named that name) who is allowed to decide who may and who may not use it. The name is available to any parent who wants to use it.

And I think we agree that the people who get to name the baby are that baby’s parents. Other people might give input or ideas, or might hope their family traditions are followed, or might even make the mistake of volunteering names they dislike—but the parents can completely ignore all of these suggestions. So although your grandmother could certainly have mentioned her preferences, she’s not actually allowed to name your future babies—or to tell you what NOT to name them, either.

To review where we are so far:

adults should not extract these sorts of promises from children
any such extracted promises are not binding
your grandmother is not in charge of how her name is used
your grandmother may not choose or forbid names for your baby

This all sounds rather harsh and anti-grandmother, doesn’t it? I don’t mean it to sound that way, or as if I think she was trying to do any of these things on purpose; however, I do think it’s important to separate things out so that we can move on to what your actual choices are.

This brings us to #3: Do people really mean it when they say not to use their names?

The thing is, people say stuff they don’t mean ALL THE TIME. We did a post recently that shows what I’m talking about: a woman wrote to us very distressed because she’d planned to name her baby after her dad—and then her dad (not knowing her plan) mentioned that he would “never forgive her” if she named a son after him. NEVER FORGIVE HER! That’s strong language! If her dad had then died before she named the baby, many many people would have said they felt very very strongly that his wishes should be respected. And yet: she talked to him about it and he was embarrassed about what he’d said, and he was surprised and flattered and very pleased when she said they wanted to name the baby after him. And so they did, and everyone was happy.

!!!!

That is, of course, not always going to be the situation. But my GUESS, my GUT FEELING, is that MOST of the time when people say they don’t want children named after them, they don’t actually mean that. Maybe they’ve just enjoyed many years of complaining about their name and this is another way to complain about it enjoyably, or maybe what they’re saying is “I hope you won’t feel like you have to use my name for a child”—but they’re thinking of their name in a different way than we would be. Someone named Henry in the last generation or two might have grown up thinking they had such a dorky, ugly, old-man name—please don’t name any babies after me! But now look: the name Henry is back in style and considered adorable and classic! The descendant doesn’t feel OBLIGATED to use it: they genuinely love the name and WANT to use it! They’re DISAPPOINTED that they have to “respect someone’s wishes”!

Meanwhile, if they went ahead and used it, the always-hated-the-name ancestor would likely suddenly discover they didn’t hate the name at all, and that they were intensely pleased and flattered to have it used. It might turn out that all those mentions of how much they hated their name were like when someone says “Excuse my house” or “I know I should dress more fashionably”: they don’t ACTUALLY feel bad about their house or their clothes, but they fear OTHERS are critical of them. Or they might be fishing for you to say you don’t think their name is so bad, or they might mean “Go ahead, twist my arm!”

So usually my suggestion would be to TALK to the person saying things about their name: be earnest, and say you’d actually really LIKE to use their name—would they truly hate that? Would it OFFEND them somehow, or is it just that they can’t believe anyone would want to use it?

But in your case, and in many similar cases, it isn’t possible to ask. Which brings us to our last point, point #4: Once a person has died, should their wishes on “not wanting to hear their own name on a baby” still matter? If so: why? Either those wishes are now as gone as the person who had them, or else it seems highly unlikely that such things are important in the person’s new eternal point of view.

Even if we imagine a person’s living earthly wishes persisting into eternity, at which point do another person’s wishes trump yours? I think the wish-trumping point comes down to this: Who was in charge of the decision/possession? My mother is in charge of her private journals; if she asks me to make sure they’re burned after she dies, I will do that: her wishes continue to matter after she dies. My grandmother is in charge of her earrings; I wouldn’t have fussed if she’d chosen to leave them to my cousin: her wishes continue to matter after she dies. I respect their wishes to do what they want with their own things, even after their lives are over.

But you are in charge of choosing your babies’ names, and so your love and respect for your grandmother aren’t affected by you going with your own wishes rather than following her wishes—any more than your love and respect for her would be changed by you choosing a different spouse, career, hobby, house, or piercing than she wished you to have. In this case, she would need to respect your wishes to do what you want with your own things.

To review where we are so far:

adults should not extract these sorts of promises from children
any such extracted promises are not binding
your grandmother is not in charge of how her name is used
your grandmother may not choose or forbid names for your baby
people don’t always mean what they say about not using their names
people’s wishes should be respected for their own decisions/possessions

So to me, what we have so far is pretty clear: you can name your baby whatever you want, including the name that your grandmother was named. And since she has died, this makes things both more difficult (because you can’t ask her if she really meant it, and likely find out to your happiness that she didn’t) and simpler (because she is not going to be angry and upset that you went against what she wanted).

It is, however, true that you can’t honor both your grandmother AND the wishes she said she had. It would honor her if you used her name (even if she truly didn’t want you to use it), but it would not honor her stated wishes. You will need to decide which is more important to you: honoring her through your child’s name as you’d like to do, according to your own wishes; or doing what your grandmother used to say she wanted you to do, when she was alive and had wishes.

For me, it would not be difficult: I would be using the name for my own sake, because I wanted to think fondly of my grandmother every time I thought of my daughter’s name, and because I wanted to say “You were named for my grandmother; I was very close to her.” And because in our culture, using someone’s name for a child is a way to show honor and love for someone, and I would want to do that. And because I would think it was unlikely that my grandmother would truly have been upset if I’d used her name for her dear great-granddaughter. I might feel glad that I wouldn’t have to be stressed about whether or not I was right about that—but I think I would also feel confident that if my grandmother could know what I had done, that she would at this stage of her existence be pleased by it.

Name update!

Hi Swistle,

I wrote to you some time ago about using my grandmother’s name, Constance, against her wishes. I had my daughter last year! I discussed my grandmother’s name with my husband, my grandfather (& his new wife), my dad (she was his mother), & my great-uncle (my grandmother’s younger brother). My husband was not a big fan, & neither were the men who knew my grandmother best, her husband and brother. My generation and my dad’s generation all thought it would be wonderful – & none of my relatives knew she had expressly forbade using her name! Apparently she only told me…

After 4 nameless days in the NICU, we named our daughter Cl@ire Suz@nne – a C name for my grandmother, & Suz@nne for my mother who was absolutely thrilled with a tiny namesake. I just kept thinking of my grandmother’s face when she told me not to name a baby after her and couldn’t do it. And my great-uncle told me when she was about 8 weeks old that Claire is a family name on their side as well, way way back somewhere!

Thank you for all of your help! Maybe we’ll be writing to you again in the future!

Melanie

Baby Girl Sowder; Narrowing Down a List

21 Replies

Nicolette writes:

Our first baby is due in September & baby naming has turned into a full-blown obsession for me! We found out it’s a girl so at least that narrows it down. I am driving my husband crazy, so I thought it was time to get some professional help :) A few things – Sowder is my husband’s last name & will be the baby’s also. Antoinette is my mother’s name and we would love to use it as the middle name if possible, but we’re flexible. Also, we tend to like names that are unique, or a little older sounding & potentially inspired by nature (but that’s not a must).

Here are some of my rejected names or at least names I have moved away from somewhat:

Scarlett Louise Sowder (my husband’s favorite)

Nickname: LettieLou

Magnolia June Sowder

Nickname: Lia or Maggie

Here is my current list:

Etta June Sowder

Cora Antoinette Sowder (one of my favorites)

Ophelia Antoinette Sowder

Nickname: Lia

Juniper Marie Sowder (also like this one a lot)

Nickname: Juni

Ellamae Sowder

Nickname: Ella

Thanks so so much – we’re not closed off to anything (even a completely new name not on the list) and welcome any guidance from you and the community.

I think this is one of the hardest stages of baby-naming: the list has been made, but nothing is leaping out as the obvious favorite. This is the stage where I like to do little naming exercises and games, to see if I can narrow in on what I really want. I also find it helpful to go into it remembering that no matter WHAT name I choose, it means not-choosing all the others: there will be a sad, letting-go feeling even if we choose the name that is the best one; it’s not an indication that we’re making the wrong choice.

One of my favorite exercises/games is Sibling Names. If you choose an unusual name with a literary tie-in, like Ophelia, are there sibling names you can picture using, or will you run into trouble? If Ella and Etta are too similar for you to want to use them for sisters, and so using one of the names will rule out the other name, which name do you prefer? If you want to use Lia as a nickname for Ophelia, would that rule out using Magnolia (Lia) for a future daughter? Things like that.

In a related game, I like to pair up similar names from the list and see which ones sound most like Our Family. Even if we might not use other names from the list for future children, or even if we might never have another girl, or even if we’re not planning more children—it can still help to focus things. Which sounds more like Your Family: sisters named Magnolia and Juniper? sisters named Etta and Cora? sisters named Juniper and Scarlett?

And there are the tricks in the post Choosing Between Two Finalists, which also work for more than two finalists. Some of these will require participation from the other parent, but some of them can be done on your own if one of you has a greater interest than the other in such exercises.

When Paul and I got down to seven candidates for Henry’s name, we each ranked the seven names to see if there were any we both had at the bottom of the list. But we didn’t do a plain 1-7 ranking: we could assign the same ranking to as many names as we wanted. So for example, one of you might have this:

1. Scarlett
2. Etta, Ellamae
3. Juniper
4. Cora
5. Ophelia, Magnolia

And the other one might have this:

1. Cora, Juniper
2. Etta, Ellamae
3. Ophelia
4. Scarlett, Magnolia

Looking at the two sets of rankings side by side, you might think, “Well, we both have Ophelia and Magnolia below the top three, so let’s try striking those two. And if one of us has Scarlett first and the other of us has it last, it’s not likely to be The Name. But we both have Etta and Ellamae and Juniper in our top three, so let’s see if it makes us happy to make those the three finalists now.” It is important to remind less-enthusiastic baby namers such as Paul that this does not mean the others are ACTUALLY eliminated. They MIGHT be eliminated, but it’s more of a practice elimination to see how you feel about those names no longer being candidates. It can happen that as soon as one gets knocked out, you realize you like it better than you thought. Or it can happen that as soon as a name is in the top three, you realize you’re not really willing to use it. But it can also actually narrow things down: we found we had several names that we both liked, but that neither of us liked better than the other names on the list, and it was a relief to cross those out and have fewer names to consider. Getting down to the top three made me feel like we now had a solvable problem instead of an impossible math equation.

Imagine announcing the name to others: friends, family, internet. Do you feel particularly glad to imagine any of the options? particularly uncertain about any of the options? Do any of the names feel like a name you’d love if someone else used, but the name doesn’t actually fit with your family?

Imagine having each of the names as your own name; picture introducing yourself to someone else. Are there any where you wouldn’t really want to have the name? Any you’d particularly love to have?

Imagine the names on a backpack, on a school desk, being told to a parent/child on the playground who asks. When you’re out in public, look at a variety of different people (well, female people!) and imagine the names on each one. Imagine arriving for an appointment at the pediatrician, saying “This is ______, she has a 9:30 appointment.” Imagine the names on a receptionist, a teacher, a doctor, a lawyer, a check-out clerk, a landscaper. Imagine them on someone plain and plump with glasses. Imagine them on someone in math club, in drama club, in cheerleading, on the soccer team. Imagine them on your various relatives. Do any names seem like a better/worse fit than any others?

Say the names in different ways. A middle name can make the first name and last name sound great together—but most of the time the name will be just first-last, and does it also sound good like that?

Deliberately taking a break can also help. If you say to yourselves, “We will put this topic on a shelf for two weeks,” you may find that during that time one of the finalists will float to the top on its own. Perhaps you’ll catch yourselves thinking of the baby by a certain name, or having a slightly negative reaction to one of the names.

It can also help to see how you react to other people’s opinions. When people in the comments section say which names they like best, do you find yourself rooting for certain names? feeling disappointed when other names seem to take the lead? feeling extra-protective of certain names? If I say that I like Magnolia best, and that I particularly like the rhythm of Magnolia Sowder, does that have an effect either way? (I would use Antoinette as the middle name: I love family names, I love long names, etc.) All these feelings can help.

Let’s have a poll over to the right, too, to see which names you’re hoping will win! [Poll closed; see results below.]

Sowder

Name update! Nicolette writes:

Hi!

This is embarrassing because my daughter was born almost eight months ago, but I wanted to give you an update.

Thank to you and the community’s help, we’ve chosen the name: Cora Antoinette Sowder!

Thanks again!

Baby Naming Issue: Is an Altered Honor Name Too Much of a Stretch?

14 Replies

C. writes:

Children are not anywhere close in the future for me right now, but I have been thinking of names and ways to honor my family members. My grandmother’s name is Irma, and I would like to use that name somehow. The problem is she strongly dislikes her name, and I am not a huge fan of it myself. The way I went around this was trying to find names that are similar. I thought of “Marie” and figured it could honor her since the letters to form “Irma” are included with an extra “e’.

Long story short, my question to you is do you think that Marie is too much of a stretch to honor my grandmother, Irma? I appreciate your help, thank you very much.

You’re asking a specific question, but I’m going to broaden the topic and answer more generally: it’s the sort of question that comes up frequently, and I’ve been meaning to write a post about it for the reference section.

I have two tests for whether an altered honor name is too much of a stretch—one test for each of the two reasons I’d use an honor name.

1. The first reason I’d use an honor name is to remind me of the person. I think of my grandfather every time I think of or tell the story of Rob’s middle name, which is my grandfather’s name. The test for this one, then, is “Will the altered name make you think of the person being honored?” It very well might: maybe every time you think of the name Marie, or every time you talk about the name with your future daughter, you’ll think of the clever solution to your grandmother disliking her name, which will of course make you think of your grandmother. Or maybe it won’t: maybe the name Irma would bring your grandmother instantly to your mind, but the name Marie has completely different associations for you, or you’d feel funny giving the explanation for it. The answer to this test will completely vary from situation to situation, because there are so many different variables: the person thinking about it, the person being honored, the particular name being used, the particular reasons for not using the actual name, etc.

2. The second reason I’d use an honor name is to please the person being honored, and to show them how highly I think of them. (Or to please/show other family members, if the honoree has died.) The test for this one, then, is “Will the person being honored get this message from the altered name?” That is, will your grandmother Irma feel honored by having a namesake Marie? (Mira would be another possibility.) Maybe so, especially if she wouldn’t want her own name used, and if you explained it to her as a workaround for this problem. You could test things out by bringing up the topic with her now, before there’s the pressure of an actual pregnancy—just a nice chat about all the family names you might want to use someday. She may even have a suggestion: her maiden name, her middle name, her mother’s name, her sister’s name, a name she always wished had been hers, her birthstone, her favorite flower, etc.

As part of this test I do an exercise where I turn the question around so it’s me and my name. It doesn’t work perfectly in this particular case (because I can’t think of a name that could be made out of all the same letters as my name), but for example I’d ask myself if, as a Kristen, I’d be honored by a great-granddaughter named something other than Kristen—and how far away from my name could it get before it didn’t feel like an honor anymore. Would I be honored by a little baby Kristin? How about by a little baby Christine? Kiersten? Kirsty? Krystal? How about by a baby Tristen or Trista or Christian? A baby Kira? Karys? How about by a Katelyn? A Tessie? An Eirlis? And so on. At which point do I stop feeling any personal connection to the name being used?

And because we’re on the topic of avoiding using a name someone has always disliked: If it seems important not to try to honor someone by using a name they dislike, it seems important to make sure the substitute name is not also one they dislike.

In general, my opinion is that every step away from the original name (either given name or always-used nickname) decreases the honor considerably—but that this can still be okay as long as everyone realizes that and treats it as such. The only time I get bad feelings about such things are when someone uses a name that’s way off (“We named the baby Amelia after you, Grandma Mildred!”) and wants the honoree to respond at exactly the same level of sentimental joy as if the actual name had been used. If I were Grandma Mildred, I think I’d be more pleased if someone instead said to me, “I was looking at a name book and noticed that both Amelia and Mildred were listed as long forms of Milly. So now your names are connected in my mind, and her name always makes me think of you!”

I also find it reassuring to keep in mind that even though an honor name is a great way to remind us of the person and show the person how highly we think of them, it’s not the only way to accomplish those things. Sometimes a name just doesn’t work out as a baby’s name, but there are many other ways to honor and remember someone you love.