J. writes:

After passing the 37 week mark and having no final name chosen, I decided I better start e-mailing you for some help!

My husband and I are due with our first baby, a boy, in just over 2 weeks. Our last name sounds like Carson, but starts with an L!

We are fairly satisfied with our first name choice — Archer. Although, now I’m not sure if it’s because we are both in love with it, or if it is simply the only name that we could agree on. But, I’m willing to stick with it, unless you have a suggestion you think we might love.

Where we are really struggling is in the middle name department. This is the first grandson on my husband’s side of the family, and he would love to have the middle name be a family name, which I am totally fine with. (On my side of the family this is the 11th grandbaby!)  The trouble is, I sort of hate all of the name choices on his side of the family, as does he.

Here are some options (and reasons why I don’t think they work):

Archer Jens — (This is probably our current top pick. It’s my husband’s middle name, but I just don’t like it.  I also hate the idea that the baby could be called A.J. as I have a bad connotation with that name.)

Archer Marlan — (My husband’s late grandfather’s name.  Again, just don’t care for the name)

Archer Wayne — (My husband’s father’s name.  I feel it really doesn’t go with the “style” of the first name.)

So, after scouring family records and coming up with nothing, I suggested that we look into Danish names, since that is my husband’s heritage.  This way we could at least incorporate some history, or family “meaning” into the middle name, which is really important to him.

I researched a bit and suggested Archer Dane.  I really like this name, however my husband despises (as do I) Dane Cook and is afraid he’s ruined that name. I sort of agree, but the more I say Archer Dane and write Archer Dane, the more it grows on me.

I would love to hear if you have any middle name suggestions that are Danish that perhaps I haven’t come across, or maybe a whole new name combo that we could fall in love with. Thanks in advance!!

It does sometimes happen that we’d really, really like to use an honor name, but it just won’t work. Sometimes it’s best to finally say, “Well, this was our ideal, but it’s not working, and the only things that kind of work are too big a stretch to be worth it. Let’s get some Danish artwork for the nursery instead.”

Other times, it’s a matter of accepting the compromise that comes with using an honor name, which is that we often don’t like the name as much as one we’d have chosen from the baby name book. The people we’d like to honor have already been named, and sometimes we don’t like those names at all—but that’s part of the deal.

For our first son, we used an honor middle name that I actively disliked and is a different style than his first name, because it was more important to me to honor the family member. For our second son, Paul wanted to use his grandfather’s name as the middle name, and I agreed even though I didn’t really like the name. (We have also come down on the opposite side and decided it was more important to choose a name we liked than to use an honor name.) With time, I find I no longer dislike the names—and I still feel happy and satisfied that we used them. And happily, our second son’s middle name came into style, so now I actively like that one! We don’t see the middle names very often anyway, and it’s a common place for people to have unfashionable names.

I think it can increase the struggle if you’re trying to find meaning just for the sake of meaning. If you don’t care particularly which family member you’re honoring but are just looking for a name that means anything familyish, it’s harder to gather up the affection and motivation necessary to help you choose a name that isn’t a favorite. It might help if your husband thinks of which family member he would like to honor for that person’s own sake, and then see if that name is usable. Even if you actively dislike the name, there will be such a good reason behind using it—and with time, you’re likely to like it more.

My fingers are itching to get my hands on your family tree so I can take a look for more options! Husband’s mother’s maiden name, husband’s other grandfather, husband’s grandmothers’ maiden names, husband’s uncles, husband’s brothers, husband’s great-uncles, first ancestor to come to the United States, name of Danish town they came from?

Archer Jens is the one that stands out to me as the best pick: Jens sounds Danish, it enhances the sound of Archer and of the whole name, and it has direct and obvious family meaning. You don’t love it, but I think that falls within the reasonable sacrifice that comes with it being very important to your husband to use a family name, and with you being willing to go along with that preference: the odds of a beloved family member coincidentally having a name we love are slim. Unless your families have already shown a tendency to call a child by his or her initials, I doubt anyone would call him A.J.; if they did, you could shudder a little and say, “Oh, we’d really rather not call him that—I have such a bad association with an A.J.!”

Archer Wayne is my second choice. I don’t think the style of the middle name needs to coordinate with the style of the first name, and also again I think this is within the expectations for using an honor name: the people we want to honor are typically of a different generation than the child (and named by parents who likely had a different naming style than our own), so their names will generally not be of a coordinated style. I think Archer Wayne has a good sound (even a bit of a superhero/crime-fighter sound, I think, probably because of Bruce Wayne), and a grandfather’s name is such a nice choice for an honor name: the grandfather tends to get a bit choked over it, and that’s pleasing for everyone. (As I thought repeatedly of the name while writing it, I found it grew on me more and more, and now it may be tied for me with Archer Jens.)

Archer Marlan Carson is my least favorite: the three repetitions of the “ar” sound feels like too much.

Let’s have a poll over to the right to see everyone else’s favorite. [Poll closed; see results below.]

Name update! J. writes:

SO, six months after the fact, I am finally getting back to normal and my brain finally remembered that I needed to e-mail you!  Our sweet baby boy is here.  He was born June 25 and weighed a whopping 9lb. 10 oz. We ended up choosing the name Archer Jens. Honestly, my feelings towards Jens didn’t really change, but naming him after his father became more important. And now, I sort of love it. It fits him perfectly, and he is such an amazing little love.  Thanks to everyone for all of the advice/input.  It was SO appreciated!

Thanks!

Ellie writes:

I am Elinor always known as Ellie. My husband is Thomas always known by his full name. Our daughter is Constance Leah always known as Connie. Her middle name is never used. My husband’s surname which our daughter has, as will the new baby, is Richardson.

We are expecting baby number two due in July and don’t know whether it is a boy or girl, and would love your help and your readers’ suggestions.

Girls first…

I don’t mind the names going together particularly, but there are problems with my two favourite girls names. The first is Annabel nn Annie. But Annie and Connie are perhaps too similar (especially as I am Ellie). The second is Clemency but I really think children should have their own first initial so am wary of having two Cs (which also rules out E names and T names).

Constance is a honour name for my grandmother who passed away, but I also love the sound of Connie.

The other girls names I love are Vivienne and Catherine (that C problem again). I like Susannah also nn Annie but as well as the Connie/Annie/Ellie problem I want to avoid too many Ss in case she has a lisp as I did as a child when saying Susannah would have been my worst nightmare (worse at the beginning of words than the middle).

We quite like Lucy but don’t love it.

And I like Anna (nn Annie). (I like Hannah too but can’t use it as it is a close friend’s baby).

I like Frances but there is the singer Connie Francis.

We want a Jewish/old testament middle name if the first name is not Jewish as we are a mixed faith household.

Boys…

If our daughter had been a boy she would have been Leo David. Still like David as a middle name (I like it as a first name but my husband doesn’t and he doesn’t like nn Dave). I’ve gone off Leo though.

I love the name Joseph/Joe but can’t use it as have a close relative with the name.

I like Frank but husband says no. Other names husband says no to that I like are Adam and Toby. Edward is nice (nn Bear) but the initial thing comes up again. I love more leftfield names like Valentine and Horatio but husband says a very definite no.

We both like Jonathan but Jonny and Connie not good!!

I quite like Harry.

We like Robin and Rowan, both more common for boys than girls in the UK where we live. Also that initial thing again. And they aren’t very masculine.

Neither of us like surnames as first names.

Please help us. To recap, no Es, Ts or Cs, nothing rhyming with Connie, no surnames as first names, and a short Jewish middle name if possible. Or are we just asking too much?

Thank you!

I think Connie and Annie are fine together. I too would probably first try to find a name with a more different nickname, but if I couldn’t find one I’d go ahead and use an Annie one. Constance and Annabel are plenty different enough, so it’s only the nicknames that are a little matchy.

If you like Clemency, I wonder if you’d like Verity. Constance and Verity. The main trouble is a lack of a good nickname. “Very”? No. But if a nickname isn’t a requirement, I think Connie and Verity works well.

Would you be willing to spell Catherine with a K? That would solve the initial problem. Connie and Katie is sweet.

Or Vivienne seems to handle everything well: different initial, and Connie and Vivi doesn’t seem too close.

If Lucy isn’t quite right, you could use Lucienne: similar to Vivienne, but with Lucy as the nickname.

The name Frances makes me think of Alice. Or Francesca might be far enough away from the Connie Francis association.

I’d rule out Rachel as a middle name, to avoid seeming to refer to the Bible story of sisters Leah and Rachel. Rebecca would be pretty, or Ruth, or Sarah, or Miriam, or Naomi, or Esther. Or you could use Hannah, if that wouldn’t bother your friend in the middle name slot. I like Ruth with pretty much everything, and Ruth is a very nice biblical character: Annabel Ruth, Katherine Ruth, Vivienne Ruth, Lucienne Ruth.

If you love Joe but can’t use it, I wonder if you’d like Sam. Samuel Richardson sounds wonderful to me, and Connie and Sammy is sweet.

If you like Rowan but would prefer not to alliterate, I wonder if you’d like Owen or Nolan.

I think Edward is great, or Edmund would be nice. We have all different kid-initials in our family, but I don’t include the parent names, just the sibling names. (We’re usually M and D for Mommy and Daddy anyway.) If you were going to drop a preference or two to make the selection process easier, that is probably the one I’d start with.

Jonathan makes me think of Benjamin. Connie and Benny is about the same similarity as Connie and Annie; Connie and Ben works great if you don’t think you’d use Benny.

I’ve been trying to push the name George recently. George David Richardson is so nice, and Connie and Georgie works well.

I also like Frederick. Frederick David Richardson; Connie and Freddie.

Name update! Ellie writes:

Just to say the only reason we didn’t update you after this post is we had a boy, and used Leo David after all. Thank you again.

Jessica writes:

I am 38 weeks pregnant with our second child, which we do not know the sex of.  Our first child, my lovely daughter, is named Lola Vaughn Randall.  I absolutely love her name.  She is named after my husbands maternal grandmother, a holocaust survivor and strong matriarch–unfortunately I did not have to pleasure of meeting her before her death.  

I’m one of three siblings, my brother is Ian and sister is Briana. Growing up, there names were unique.  I remember it being many years before I’d met another Ian or Briana.  As for us, we’re happy with the idea of two children.   So this will be my final pregnancy.  

So here are our considerations:

Girl:  1.  Harlow  2.  Harper

Boy:  1.  Greyson  2.  Reed  3.  Cole  4.  Mason (This was a big contender, but now I’m not crazy about the association with Khloe Kardashian’s son.) 

These are all first name considerations, I haven’t been able to come up with middle names at all.  I really love my daughters first and middle combination, but I’m having a hard time coming up with any middle names.  

Any help will greatly be appreciated!  Thank you.

From your girl name list, I prefer Harper. Lola and Harlow is a little difficult for me to say, with the repeated “low” sound.

I’d add to the list:

Anya
Audra
Aurora
Bianca
Bridget
Colette (maybe too much “ole”)
Dahlia
Geneva
Georgia (Georgie or Gigi)
Gianna
Iris
Jade
Jolie (maybe too much “ole”)
Margo
Maxine
Nadia
Olive
Ruby
Scarlett
Silvie
Simone
Thea

My favorite from that list is Bianca. Bianca Randall; Lola and Bianca. Maybe Bianca Sloane or Bianca Grey.

From your boy name list, I’d eliminate Cole for a similar reason as Harlow, but this time for too much “ole” sound (Lola and Cole starts to make me think of cola).

I think I’d also eliminate Mason, not because of the Kardashians but because according to the Social Security Administration it’s now the #2 most popular boy name in the United States, while Lola is significantly less common.

I hesitate slightly with Greyson. I think it coordinates well with Lola, but Grayson/Gracen/Graycen is used often enough for girls that it’s starting to make me a little nervous. It’s not a big deal (I’m about to suggest Grey, after all, and that has the same issue), but it’s something I’d want to think about ahead of time. I also think that just as people currently say they don’t want any of the “ayden” names (Aidan, Jaden, Hayden, Caden, etc.), they may soon be saying the same of the “ayson” names. I think I might go straight to Grey. Grey Randall; Lola and Grey. Or maybe to Grady. Grady Randall; Lola and Grady.

So that makes Reed my top choice from your boy name list, if that’s not too much R and D with the surname. Reed Randall; Lola and Reed.

I’d add to the list:

Cade
Cason
Dean
Edmund
Ezra
Flynn
Gage
George
Grady
Grey
Hayes
Hugh
Hugo (might be too hard to say with Lola)
Jude
Malcolm
Rhys
Thompson
Truman
Wilson

Hayes seems like it would make a particularly good middle name. Something like Malcolm Hayes Randall, maybe, or Cason Hayes Randall. You could also use Mason as a middle if you decide not to use it as a first: Flynn Mason Randall, or Dean Mason Randall.

Name update! Jessica writes:

Boy, you got the post up just in time.  Our son was born at 12:53pm on Saturday, June 2. 

The input was a lot of help, as well as the comments.  We decided on Greyson Miles and will call him Grey.

I did love the suggestion Harlow Grey for a girl & will always be a little sad we didn’t get to use that, but now it’s out there. 

Lola Vaughn loves being big sister to Greyson Miles and there is nothing sweeter than hearing her say his full name.

Thank you again.

C. writes:

We are expecting baby #3 (the last baby) on June 8 (scheduled C, so no later than that) and we do not know the sex. We are having issues deciding on names – there are a few contenders for a girl and no standouts for a boy. Our last name is Ritchie.

Our son is Alexander Maxwell and our daughter is Genevieve Olivia and I absolutely love both names. Alexander is the only boy’s name my husband and I agreed on and it is my husband’s middle name, so it was a no brainer. Genevieve is always what I wanted to name a daughter and thankfully my husband loved it also. It is also a namesake for my grandfather (Gene). Both middle names were last minute choices that we thought fit well; there are no namesakes or other meanings associated. Both children go by their full first names and we hope that will continue. As we are Catholic, we also like that both are names of Saints.

For a boy… when we were discussing names for our first child, my husband was focused on mythology names (Nike, Mercury, Hercules) and now admits he is glad I put my foot down with an emphatic “no”! He is now on the trend of surname as first name (Lincoln, Freeman, Hamilton) and I think it would be similar to his fleeting love affair with the mythology names. I do not like surname as first name unless it is a family name (it would not be in our case). I also do not think fits in with the more traditional (and Saint) names we have for Alexander and Genevieve. I am fine with these as a middle name. Husband also likes Joseph; I’m not crazy about it but would be ok for a middle name. The problem is that there are absolutely no boys names that I love. The few possibilities we are both ok with are: Gabriel, Julian, Matthew, Nicholas. He prefers Julian, but for some reason, it feels too feminine to me. I could be convinced otherwise. We also cannot think of a middle name that goes with it. … I love Nicholas, but it is the name of a cousin who passed away as a young adult and was kind of a wild child.

For a girl… Calliope and Penelope have always been on our girl name list. We have recently decided we also like Josephine and Caroline. I also like Imogen, but husband does not. My husband’s first choice is Calliope (he wanted to name Genevieve that, but the namesake won out), but I am less sure – it makes me think of a cacophony and the very loud carnival musical instrument by the same name. I also can’t think of a good middle name to go with any of the girls names. Mei is a contender – Mei means beautiful in Mandarin, our children are 1/4 chinese, we currently live in Hong Kong, and my Grandmother’s middle name was “May”. Problem is part of our family is from the deep south and we envision them calling her “Callie May” or “Penny May” which would be a nightmare since we don’t like nicknames. It would also be the only single syllable middle name of the kids. Penelope Caroline? Josephine Calliope?

As I typed this, I googled Calliope and it turns out she is a Saint and her feast day is June 8 (the day this baby will be born). Fate? If so, then help with a middle name!

So, husband prefers Julian or Calliope with middle names unknown. I am not convinced but do not have a better suggestion and they are growing on me (Julian Ritchie does have a good ring to it). What are your thoughts?

Name update! C. writes:

Thank you so much for posting our request; we very much appreciated the input from your readers. 

Penelope Grace Ritchie was born on June 8.  Even for a few hours after she was born, we still could not decide between Penelope and Calliope (reader comments were split between the two!).  Ultimately, we chose Penelope because we thought it was ageless, whereas Calliope was little girl cute.

Since we did not know the sex, if anyone is curious, we had decided on Julian Matthew for a boy – this was by far the clear winner from the comments! 

Thank you so much for your help!

Marie writes:

My husband and I are expecting our second son in early July and have yet to find a name for the kid.  With our first son it seems like we just happened across a name and loved it from the beginning whereas this time he loves one name and I love none.  Our first sons name is Evan; our last name sounds like Nolan, but with an R instead of an N.  He loves the name Bennett and I have mixed feelings about it.  Some days I like the name (and almost commit!) but other days I think it sounds a little soft or something.  Also, I don’t like nicknames and would never call him Ben and wouldn’t want others to either – I don’t think I want that battle. 

Names that I like are Owen (but I think it doesn’t go well with our last name), Henry and Emmett (but I’m not sure how I feel about the double E sibling name).  My husband likes Emmett but doesn’t like Owen or Henry as much as Bennett.  The middle name will be either Thierry (pronounced TYAIR ee), honoring both my husbands grandmother Terry who passed away and my French heritage or Cruz (we got married in Santa Cruz).  Girl names that we considered before we found out the baby was a boy were Emerson (surprisingly I had no problem with that double E sibling pair) and Aislinn.  Evan decided to arrive 3 weeks early so I’m starting to panic that the new baby will be born and we still won’t have a name for him.  I just keep waiting for something to hit me and to just know that we have found his name but I haven’t had that kind of “yes, this is it!” moment yet.  Should I just commit to the name my husband loves (Bennett) but I only like (most of the time)?

I do think that if one parent can’t think of any other name he or she likes better, and the deadline of The Baby Is Here has arrived and there is no more time to keep looking, it can work out well to go with a name that’s “fine” with one parent and “TRULUV4EVA!!” for the other.

But I also think two strikes against a name is a problem, and the Ben battle is a second strike: people now are much less likely to go by nicknames, but if you’re very opposed to them I think it makes for a happier life to find a name without such a natural one.

(A possible third strike is that when I say “Evan and Bennett” aloud, there is something that seems odd about it to me. I can’t put a finger on it. Maybe the four similar vowel sounds in a row, combined with the repeating N-sound and the matching rhythms of the names?)

If you do decide Bennett isn’t going to work, it’s important for your husband to shift mindsets: the hunt can’t be “You trying to find him a name he likes better than Bennett,” but instead needs to be “Both of you looking for the name you like best out of the names that are not Bennett.”

Emmett seems like an excellent alternative. It has a very similar sound, but no natural nickname. My one hesitation is that it seems very similar in sound to Evan. I don’t think it’s too similar to use, but it’s getting close. (I’d also suggest Everett, but that one does seem too similar to me.)

Elliot seems great to me. It does repeat the E, but it doesn’t have a natural nickname. Evan and Elliot. I like that a lot.

Other possibilities that sound similar to Bennett:
Barrett
Beckett
Bryant
Corbett
Garrett
Jared/Jarret
Merritt
Wyatt

Some of these don’t work very well in style with Evan, but I like Evan and Garrett, and I like Evan and Jared.

Departing from the sound of Bennett and focusing more on sibling names for an Evan, I suggest Keegan. I am freshly pleased with this name because I met a Keegan at a child’s birthday party last weekend, and he was adorable. Evan and Keegan.

I also mention Derek, because it was the name agreed on by another couple I know who had a similar situation. Evan and Derek.

More possibilities:

Adam
Alec
Brendan
Colin
Eric
Grady
Jeremy
Jonathan (nickname)
Kyle
Liam
Mark
Mason
Milo
Nathan (nickname)
Parker
Ryan
Simon

Name update! Marie writes:

Well, better late than never right? Bennett Thierry was born one day after his due date on July 12.  He was nameless for awhile after he was born but then I started to see how maybe he actually kind of did look like a Ben.  For now, while we can control it he’ll go by Bennett and then when he’s older my heart won’t break if he decides to go by Ben.  Interestingly, after we finally told everyone his name my dad told us that since the baby was born he kept thinking that his name was Ben (but for Benedict) so that was pretty cool.  And then we also found out that my mother-in-laws husband had a grandfather whose name was Bennett.  So after all that crazy stress the name Bennett actually ended up being pretty special.  Everybody loves the name and we get compliments on it all the time.  Now after all is said and done we love the name Bennett for our little guy and couldn’t imagine anything else for him.  And bonus I have a favorite name for a potential third kid (Leo) which of course guarantees that if we actually have a third kid it will definitely be a girl.  A huge thanks to you and all your readers who weighed in!

R. writes:

I have been reading your blog for a while now, and didn’t expect to be writing to you so soon. I am expecting my first baby this summer. I am having a girl. The baby’s last name will be either mine (similar to Townman) or my boyfriends (Balls). I am only seventeen (unfortunately not planned) but I am trying to be the best mom my baby could have. My boyfriend and I have a few problems. 1. We can’t agree on any names 2. I want the baby to have my last name.

My list:
Rose (I like more classy, less common names)
Violet
Leilani
Annelise

Boyfriend’s List:
Ava (Likes trendy, popular names)
Sophia
Isabelle
Olivia

What we agree(kinda) on:
Charlotte(both like but is getting a little popular)
Grace(I like but too common)
Amelia(same as above)

Names we can’t use:
Cora(this is the only one I would have considered)
Lily
Faith
Lauren

That’s just the start of our issues. I really want my girl to have my last name. I love my boyfriend but I’m worried that we might split after the baby is born. Plus, his last name is Balls. He and his family always get teased about it. (unfortunately he has an uncle Harry Balls) He thinks that the baby should have his last name because that is usually what happens. It seems like we can’t agree on anything!

Thank you!

It sounds to me as if it would be better for the baby to have your surname. While it’s true that it’s common for children to have their father’s surname, it gets less common all the time—and in many cases, I think it makes more sense for the baby to have the mother’s surname. If your boyfriend’s surname weren’t such a challenging one, I might suggest using his family name as the baby’s second middle name, or hyphenating it with yours. As it is, perhaps it speaks poorly of my character to say that I might use the various reasonable concerns inherent in the situation as my excuse to get out of having to use his surname for the baby.

I am encouraged, looking at the lists of names:  the two of you have similar styles, and the differences are mostly a matter of commonness. If he already likes Olivia and Sophia, I can see leading him gently to something more like Violet—as opposed to what we’d be facing if his favorite girl names were Ryder and Storm.

Let’s start with his choice of Ava and see if we can work outward to something more to your tastes. Eva would be beautiful, as would Eve. Or Audrey, or Ivy, or Genevieve.

From his Sophia, I suggest Fiona, Josephine, Phoebe, Phillipa, Simone, Stella.

From his Isabelle, I suggest Isadora, Annabel, Maribel, Rosabel, Clarissa. Annabel especially seems like a good compromise between your Annelise and his Isabelle.

From his Olivia, I suggest Liviana, Eliza, Molly, Lydia, Linnea.

If you like Cora but can’t use it, is Clara too close to be considered? That’s one of my favorites for classy sweetness, along with Eliza and Jane.

Or Nora? Too close to Cora, or okay?

I wonder if Emmeline would work. My guess is that he’d like Emma, but the longer variation is much less common and has more the flavor of Annelise from your list.

Name update! R. writes:

Hi everyone! Thank you to everyone who commented and for all the ideas! Im sending this right now so I don’t forget later.

So in the end, we decided give our baby my last name. My boyfriend has had teasing in the past, and he decided she didn’t need to get teased about her last name. We then tried to encorperate Balls into her middle name, by choosing Annbel.(Bel is close enough to Balls for us, and there are Anns on both my side and his side)

Her first name took a while. He actually like alot of the suggestions, but thought they were a little too “out there”(I’m not sure why, I guess names outside the top ten are out there for him!) But there was one name that he really liked- Josephine. I loved it alot because it honored my dad, Joseph, who goes by his middle name most of the time. It just so happened that she was born on my dad’s birthday! Josephine Annabel Townman was born July 1 at 7 lbs 9 oz. Our little girl is so sweet! Thanks again everyone!

Jaime writes:

I’m really hoping you can help us. This is my second email to you, my first was simply a cry for help in finding a boys name but now I really need help.

Please keep in mind that we live in Canada so some of our baby name choices and their popularity are different than the US.

My husband and I like names that can be said easily, that aren’t too trendy but that are not too different. We tend to like names that are on popular lists. Our daughter, Addison, was born 4 years ago and in Canada at the time it was less popular. Now it has gained popularity and I’m ok with that. So names that are perhaps number 48 on the top 100 is fine by US. 

Here are some that have been on the list:
Carter
Carson
Landon
Emmett
Rylan

So here’s the problem. We like the name Cohen a lot  it seems to be the best fit for us so far.  It has taken us a long time to get to a name we both like. When I googled the name and it’s meaning it sounded fine, “priest” in Hebrew. Then I read a little further and read that it can be controversial in some ways because it can be seen as disrespectful among the Jewish community.  In Canada it is currently number 35 on the Baby Centre website. So it is clearly used often enough and it is apparently on the rise. If I look the name up on US websites some lists don’t even have Cohen in their top100.

I’ve read forums of people who don’t think it’s big deal while others are appalled at the disrespect and ignorance that people have shown in naming their babies Cohen. I am certainly not in the business of offending members of any Jewish community nor do I want to set my son up to offend others simply by his name.

Please help.

The Cohen issue is not one I was familiar with, and I cringe at the thought of wading through all the angry-toned search results I’d have to read to get a grasp on the issue—but I have a general policy about all such things: if there is some risk of offense or other ickiness involved in using a name, and if you are not yet bound to that name by blood and tears, it is usually better to keep looking.

So in this case, if your maiden name were Cohen, and if since childhood you’d wanted to use the name for a son, and if coincidentally you and your husband were huge David X. Cohen fans, and if you’d gone the whole pregnancy assuming you’d name your son Cohen and then in the delivery room a nurse pointed out the issue, then I would be like, “Meh! There seems to be some sort of issue with this name, but it looks to me as if no one is actually using it with the intent to offend, and it’s coming into style because of all the Rowans and Owens and surname names, and pretty soon it’s going to be popular enough that there won’t be any offensive connotation anymore at all, and especially with religious/cultural issues (i.e., where it’s an issue in one religion/culture but not an issue in others) it’s really hard to know at what level of someone else’s being-offended we need to take the responsibility of avoiding it, and it sounds as if it Means Something as a surname but not as a first name, so just go ahead and use it, and if anyone remarks on it you can explain your reasons.”

Instead I will say that if it’s just the first name you’ve found that you can agree on, maybe that’s not enough reason to take a risk with something like this. It’s hard to evaluate the disrespect/offense in something unless it affects oneself: it always seems like other people’s touchy areas are “touchy areas,” whereas one’s own touchy areas are Big Outrageous Serious Things, Symbolic of Deeper Problems. For myself, I don’t think I’d find it worth it: if I’d used the name Cohen oblivious to the controversy, I wouldn’t go out and change it, but if I knew about it ahead of time I’d steer clear just to avoid the headache/fretting.

On the other hand, if time goes by and the end of the pregnancy is nigh and you still can’t agree on anything else, return to the first point and maybe just go ahead and use it. You’d be using it as a rapidly-rising surname name, not as an attempt to offend.

Does anyone know if there are the same issues with other spellings? For example, could you use Coen like The Coen Brothers, or is that just as potentially offensive? It’s too bad Cowen looks so bovine.

If you like Cohen, maybe you’d like:

Bowen
Callum
Camden
Calvin
Cason
Colin
Conan
Nolan
Owen
Rohan
Rowan
Soren

And let’s have a poll over to the right to see if we can gauge how serious/well-known this issue is. [Poll closed; see results below.]

Poll results for “The Cohen Issue” (476 votes total):

I knew; it’s a deal-breaker – 134 votes (28%)
I knew; it’s not a deal-breaker – 36 votes (8%)
I didn’t know; it’s a deal-breaker – 113 votes (24%)
I didn’t know; it’s not a deal-breaker – 171 votes (36%)
I can’t decide – 22 votes (5%)

Name update! Jaime writes:

Remember me…the Cohen issue?  That sparked quite the conversation. After reading all 84 comments, we couldn’t even fathom sticking with the name. So we went back to the drawing board. In fact I went back to a name I liked right away, and one that you suggested, and gave my husband some time to explore the meaning. In the end we agreed!  Callum was born last week. I can’t imagine him having any other name. Thank you for helping us and thank you to everyone who commented. 

Emily writes:

I am looking for some inspiration and help in naming our third child, who will also be our 3rd daughter.  This will be our last child.  Our baby isn’t due until October so i know there is a lot of time left, but my husband and i are just not able to come up with a short list. (well not really).

My older daughters (who are 10 and 8 yrs old) are named Olivia Margot (middle name is my middle name) and Lila Grace (middle name is an aunt’s name).

My name is Emily and i like my name but wouldn’t give it to my kid (no juniors for us). I use my maiden last name.  Our kids are basically Irish, Swedish & Italian. Olivia has strawberry blonde hair, fair skin and green eyes;  Lila is golden blond haired, has tan skin, and green eyes.  my hubby and I are green eyed too  – obviously we don’t know what this new kid will look like but you get the picture.  I don’t think we want anything that [at least in our area] is very Italian themed (Gabriella, Adrianna, Carmela  Lucianna etc.).

We came up with Lila because we loved the name Leilani in Hawaii and were inspired. We decided we couldn’t pull of Leilani (neither of us have any ties to Hawaii) so we considered Lily and arrived at Lila (still love it!) (we pronounce it L-I-la (long I sound like ICE). Olivia always sounded lovely and had a nice sound to it with Margot (we picked this name more easily than we did Lila).

We LOVE our daughters’ names and would like something similar for daughter #3 – feminine, somewhat traditional, not too trendy (not interested in Taylor, Tyler, Skyler, Cameron etc – no offense to those who like those, just not my cup of tea).  I don’t think i’d ever be brave/bold enough to name my daughter anything like Piper even though it’s cute on other people’s kids.

Some names that have peaked my interest are Valentina, Sophia, Lena, Julia (hubby doesn’t like this), daisy (he doesn’t like that either), Katie. We rejected Valentina b/c we don’t like “Val” or “Tina” as nick names.  And probably that is a lot of name for a kid. it’s also similar to our favorite pizza place so we crossed it off (Valentina’s! pick up or delivery?) :)  My husband’s current name that he is tolerant of is Sophia.  I am less tolerant of it due to its popularity, but it’s a nice name. I say tolerant b/c neither of us are willing to say we’d actually give that name to our daughter.  I don’t want something too old either like Hazel or Mathilda (i do like Victoria and Elizabethe and Emma (hubby doesn’t like those but especially doesn’t like Emma).  These still aren’t making it to a short list or anything, but maybe will give you an idea.

We do like the way these names sound – i think we like the ‘A’ sound at the end. not a requirement though.  I like what both my kids’ names mean, but that is not how we picked them.  We also considered Scarlett and Charlotte.  eh… we just aren’t feeling anything. i don’t want Isabella, b/c i simply know too many of them.

I like the idea of glamorous hollywood names like Sophia Loren & Ava etc. but don’t want to be so trendy. I also like the feeling of a Southern name (at least i think I do – not as in Bobby Jo though).

If we were having a boy, the names I like are (in no particular order) Christian, Jake (my dad’s name, but i also really like it), Mark, Max and Sean.

As you can tell i am all over the map. :(

Many thanks and I like your blog!

A. writes:

I’m wondering about the etiquette around a certain naming issue that I’m having.

I am a teacher and one of my students (a girl) goes by an “old man” type of nickname. It’s kind of like she goes by “Elliot” — a name that is identifiably masculine, but that doesn’t sound ridiculous on a girl. Unlike “Elliot,” however, this name is not popular for boys or girls — in fact, it’s never been very popular. The most popular that it was was #273 and that was back in the 1800s. It hasn’t even been in the top 1000 since 1968. The long-form of the name (as opposed to the nickname) was given out more often, but even it barely ever broke into the top 100 (and this girl is definitely not going by the long-form of the name). This student has a common and feminine name, but she’s gone by this unusual male nickname for as long as I have known her and everyone (students, teachers, even her mom) calls her by it.

In addition to this girl being a student of mine, her mom is also a teacher at the school — so her mom is a colleague of mine. And our staff is small and all the babies that have been born to staff members are welcomed with a big announcement to the whole school community.

So here’s my problem. I LOVE this girl’s nickname and would love to use it as a middle name for a future daughter. But I don’t know whether it would be TOTALLY awkward. It would be obvious to everyone involved that I’d never thought of the name (or even heard of it, really) before meeting this student. Would that be embarrassing? Like I’m naming my kid after a student? Would the colleague/mom of the girl feel weird about it? She’s not my best friend at work and she can be kind of critical, so I don’t know how she’d react.

And I would feel weird for the student as well. The student is well-known and popular, but also pretty shy. I’m pretty sure I’m not her favorite teacher, so it’s not like she’d feel super-honored or anything. It’s already pretty awkward for her to be the kid of a teacher and have friends in her mom’s classes. I’d hate for her to feel even more awkward when a teacher names her kid after her!

Just as a reminder, I’m only thinking of using this name as a middle name — not as a first. But it would be impossible to hide the middle name from the staff and students at the school — and awkward to try! What would be the best way to go about this? Should I just give up on the name? Talk to the mom in advance? Talk to the girl in advance? What would make the most sense?

Thanks!

I have two different answers. One is for if you’re right now pregnant with a baby girl, and the other is for if you’re not.

If you’re not, I think what makes the most sense is waiting to see if it will be an issue at all. Maybe by the time you’re naming a baby girl, neither the student nor her mother will be at your school, or maybe you’ll be at a different school where no one has ever heard of the student. Or maybe by then you won’t still want to use the name, or maybe the other parent won’t want to, or maybe you’ll have changed surnames and there will be a clash, or maybe your favorite first name will sound bad with it. Or maybe you’ll only have sons. Or maybe by then the student’s mother will have said wistfully in the staff room, “I just wish there were OTHER girls with that name! She loves her nickname but hates being the only one!” Or maybe you’ll have a boy first, and this student will end up babysitting for him and become so special to your family that it will make perfect sense to give your next baby her name as a middle name.

If on the other hand you’re currently pregnant with a baby girl (or you’re pregnant and not finding out the sex until the birth), and if the other parent also wants to use the name and it’s great with the first name and last name, then let’s see if we can figure out a way for you to do it.

I agree it seems like the awkwardness/weirdness of it is not avoidable. Our goal, I think, is to see if we can reduce it to usable levels. I’d start by scouring your family tree and the other parent’s family tree. I mean, SCOUR it. Go back as far as you’ve got, and search every twig. Let’s say this student’s name were Clementine, and she were going by Clem. Search to see if you have ANYTHING like that in your tree, either first names or surnames. Clement? Clemence? Clemmie? Clemens? Clemmons? VanderClem? ANYTHING. If you find anything, you can now say breezily “It’s a family name.” And as everyone looks at you a little incredulously, you can add casually, as if suddenly realizing there could be offense taken if it sounds like you’re NOT naming after your colleague’s daughter: “And of course, Clem Johnson is such a nice girl, it definitely helped the name catch my eye!”

If there’s nothing in the family tree, I think I would take an intermission and consider again whether the awkwardness/weirdness is worth it. We all have these names, I think, where we really really want to use them, but there’s some reason we just CAN’T: name of husband’s ex-wife, name of our daughter’s half-sister or step-sister at her father’s house, name of a celebrity, name the other parent hates, name that is hilarious/embarrassing with the surname, etc. I mean, it’s not that we literally CAN’T use the name, but at some point the issues overwhelm it and we reluctantly cross it off. These names become excellent conversation material later, especially with other name enthusiasts: “I wanted to name a son after my dad James SO BADLY! So of course I end up marrying someone with the last name Bond.” or “I’m STILL mad at Alan for hating the name ____! That’s been my favorite name since I was a CHILD!” And it can be fascinating to the child to hear what other names were considered.

Are there any names very similar to the nickname, that you might like just as much? This is where my stand-in name isn’t going to help with making a list—but I’d look for names that rhyme with the nickname, or have similar sounds, or are from that same style category. I might browse the 1800s name lists for similar guy nicknames, or see if there were any similar guy nicknames in the family tree.

If you come through this intermission strengthened in your resolve to use the name, I think my own strategy would be to start talking about baby names with colleagues (you don’t have to give away the first name you’re actually going to use, if you want to keep it a secret—just mention other names you’ve considered), and start mentioning that you’re “thinking of using” the middle name Clem. This would give everyone a heads-up, which I think would go a long way to reduce the anticipated awkwardness after the birth. (I wouldn’t ask the mother or the student if it were okay to use the name, unless you’re prepared/willing to abandon the name if they say no.) I’d come up with some responses ahead of time to things I thought others might say. Them: “You mean…after Clem Johnson?” You: “Oh, not really—but of course that’s where I first heard the name, and she’s a great girl so it certainly didn’t HURT the name. I just found it really grew on me.” Or “I’d liked the name already for a boy, but having Clem Johnson in my class is how it occurred to me I could use it even if I had a girl.”

Does anyone have any other ideas of how to pull this off with the least awkwardness possible? And let’s have a poll over to the right to collect general reactions to the idea. [Poll closed; see results below.]

Name update! A. writes:

You and your readers helped us tremendously with our naming decision for our baby, who was born March 18. I had written to you last May to ask about the etiquette around using a middle name inspired by one of my students’ nicknames. I then wrote to you in November (after I was actually pregnant) to ask about some concerns I had with our finalist boy names. The advice we got from these requests was really helpful. We were going to decide between Margaret Linne@ and Ele@nor Verne for a girl — depending on what seemed to suit her best — and had settled on  some undecided combination of Charles, Arthur, Gregory or “something else” if it was a boy (most likely going with Ch@rles Arthur).

We had a girl and it actually took awhile to name her. Within a few minutes of her birth, my husband had formed an opinion and asked me if I’d formed one yet. I’d barely gotten a look at her face yet and so I hadn’t! Besides, when he got back from the warming area where they weighed her, he said he was already leaning in the other direction.

It was a VERY difficult decision, but we eventually decided that she looked more like a Margaret than an Eleanor. And even though we brought her home on the vernal equinox and I still feel some residual “but it   would have been so perfect!” feelings about Ele@nor Verne, we went with the name that seemed to fit her best.

Many thanks! I am hoping that I may someday have another daughter who will feel more like an Eleanor. They’d make a great sister pair!

SECOND name update!

Dear Swistle,

This may be a first for your site, but I have a second update to a letter that I wrote to you three years ago. I had written to you about using a student’s nickname as a middle name for a potential future child. As it turned out, when we had our daughter the following spring, we ended up going with a different name.

I’m pleased to announce that our second daughter, Lydi@ Vern, was born at the end of June and we have no reservations about her name. As you predicted, there were several factors that made the middle name more usable now than it was with our first daughter.

First, the student graduated.

Second, the mom of the student left the school and took another position elsewhere.

Third, I left the school and took another position elsewhere, so my current students aren’t aware that the name has a connection to a former student.

Fourth, when I was around 12 weeks pregnant with this baby, I went out with some of my former colleagues, including the mom of the student.  While we were out, I confessed how much I loved her daughter’s nickname and how we’d almost used it for our first daughter’s middle name. She thought this was wonderful and funny and gave me her full blessing to use it if we still wanted to and didn’t think it would bother her daughter at all.

Thank you so much to you and your readers for encouraging us! I think her name is perfectly balanced for her.

K. writes:

I know you’ve tackled this one before, but I’m at complete loss. Early on we decided we liked the name Alexander (our first baby). His middle name will be Thomas after my husband’s late father. But we made the mistake of telling people about it. It didn’t help that the husband wanted to call him Alex and I wanted to call him Xander. Not only that, but the mother-in-law’s boyfriend (whom I hate, deeply) decided it was fun to call the baby Alex. But I digress. We decided the name was dead and after much research came up with Zachary. Which is OK I guess. My husband still feels that Alexander is the best name. That it just “feels right,” but still refuses to call him Xander (which is too popular to be unique anymore anyway).

I guess I’m just frustrated that a perfectly good name has been destroyed for me and we can’t seem to find any other names that we both like. The only girl’s name we ever agreed on was Amelia.

Any advice you could give me on coming up with a similar but more awesome name would be much appreciated!