Swistle!

I have been following your blog since I was pregnant with our first! I have searched on your blog for names we have considered as well as read through previous entries for inspiration. Now I am writing to you for help!

We will be having our second child, another boy, this fall! We have narrowed names down to our “Top Three” however, neither of us can narrow it down any further.

Background: Our son is 2 and his name is Joel Andrew. His first name honors my husbands father and grandfather (JOEseph and Leslie) while still giving him his own name. His middle name is shared with my father. Our last name is Burner with a “T”. Our naming style seems to be traditional, but not old-fashioned. Names we have heard of but aren’t too common. We also prefer names without easy nicknames as none of our names have obvious nicknames. Husband wants names that – if seen can easily be said, and if heard could easily be spelled. We also don’t want the name to be too common. This child will most likely be our last and for some reason coming up with a second boy name seems much harder than the first!

If this child would have been a girl, we each had a favorite and it was down to Eliza and Elise.

Originally my husband wanted to also name this child with a “J” name as he and his brother both also had “J” names. My concern was that three “J” names in our family would be a mouthful. On top of that most “J” names I found/suggested were rejected for a variety of reasons and only one has made it to the ‘final three’. Another train of thought we had was to use an “L” name so we would each have a child with the same first initial. Again, most of the “L” boy names were rejected as being either too popular, or too ‘old fashioned’ and only one made it to the ‘final three’. I have also gone through a looong list of boy names with my husband and all have been rejected except one, so we are left with three.

Jensen is the only “J” name that my husband will consider, even with his desire for a “J” name to be used. I think it fits the criteria (easy to say, spell, no obvious nickname), however my concern is that it doesn’t fit with the rest of our names style wise (Jason, Lydia, Joel) and that Joel and Jensen would be a mouthful.

Lucas is the only “L” name that my husband would consider. However, I know this name IS quite common right now AND I am concerned that Luke would be a go-to nickname. Neither of us dislike Luke, but don’t like it as much as Lucas. I do think Lucas goes ok with Joel and the rest of our names, however since it is common and has easy nickname options I just can’t commit!

Seth is my favorite currently! I think it goes really well with Joel and the rest of our names. It is about the same popularity as Joel. People who see it will know how to say it, and those who hear it will know how to spell it! It was also a top pick for me when pregnant with Joel, but Jason really wanted to name him after his grandpa. Husband is just so-so on it. I think if I pushed he would go for it, but it’s clearly not one of his favorites. I’ve been trying this name out for a couple of weeks and while it’s ok, it isn’t love like I thought it would be! I’m not sure if it’s the fact my husband doesn’t love it too, of if it’s not “the one”.

If we were to each rank these three names, our list would be completely opposite. However, neither of us loves Lucas enough to pick that name, or willing to give up our top pick to settle on one of the others. How would you recommend we settle this? Do you have any other name suggestions we might have missed?

A list of some of the names I liked/suggested that were vetoed: Jude, Caleb, Ethan, Levi, Eli, Jonah, Jules, and many many more! Hopefully that will give you an idea of at least my style. As far as middle names, we aren’t decided might be open to using one of the other ‘top three’, Joseph (after husband’s grandfather and shared with husband’s brother), or Matthew (Husband’s middle name). There really aren’t any other people we feel we need to honor, but the question has been raised if our first child’s whole name is honoring three people, will this child feel slighted if he doesn’t’ have an honor name?

Baby is due in approx. 6 weeks and the fact we haven’t decided on a name is starting to stress me out! Please consider helping.

Thank you!!

I rank the names in the same order you do. Seth is my first choice: an excellent style fit with Joel, and I like it a lot with your surname. Lucas is my second choice: very good style fit with Joel, but I see your reservations about popularity and the nickname Luke. Jensen is my third choice by a long distance: it’s a very different style than Joel, and I dislike the idea of you being left out of the J Club. I also dislike the idea of your husband being the one who wants another J name but then only being willing to consider one.

It sounds to me as if it’s time to go back to the drawing board: neither of you much likes the other’s first choice, and you both sound tepid on the one name you agree on. Leave Lucas on the list to see if it grows on you, but then return to the long list to see if your husband likes any of them better the second time through.

It also sounds as if you two are having the classic problem of one of you doing all the work and the other one doing all the vetoing. It would be useful if your husband would make his own list of names for you to consider.

At this point I would leave out these issues: finding a J name, finding an L name, using an honor name. Those sorts of fun preferences work better when parents have a long list of names they love, and they want to narrow the list down. It sounds as if you’re out of honor names, and I don’t see any reason to force that: many families use honor names for the first child and not for subsequent children. I would leave COMPLETELY out of the equation the issue of whether the children’s names go with the style of your name and your husband’s name: your names are a generation removed from theirs and chosen by two entirely different sets of parents, and no one expects them to coordinate.

I would like to make a list of name suggestions, but from the samples you gave, I think you and I are on the same page already and I would just be listing names your husband already rejected. I think the solution here is for him to make his own list for you to consider, and/or for him to go back to your list and really consider every option carefully. If he won’t do either of these things, then I suggest trying your strategy of pushing for Seth: your husband got his way on the first child’s name, so perhaps it can be your turn this time.

Name update:

I wanted to send an update!
Seth Matthew was born a week early.  Matthew is my husband’s middle name.  After the difficult birth, he decided to go with my top picks.  I appreciated your feedback and reading all the comments! I thought the comment of both boys having old testament first name and New testament middle names was a cute tie!

Thank you!!

Hello, Swistle!
I’m not sure if you will have time to answer my question. My husband and I are not currently expecting a child, but we are planning on starting a family soon, and since we have different naming styles, I wanted to have a pretty firm list so that we do not have naming wars when I am pregnant and irrational. I have loved names for so long, and I assumed that naming would be easy, but….not so much.

These were our original rules:
1. Nothing overly-trendy (e.g. Brayden, Brayleigh, etc)
2. One common spelling (No Kaitlyn/Katelyn,etc)
3. No made-up names
4. A name with history, but not too boring

Here are my two problems:

1. My husband’s shortlist of names are very country/cowboy style (Ralan, Clay, Harland, Harley, etc.,) and mine are all Vintage/Biblical (Jeremiah, Oliver, Josephine, Theodora, etc)
2. The names we both like break the rules! So far, we both like Jackson and Callan for boys (-en endings, very trendy) and for girls, we like Juliana, Juliet, and Emilia (trendy-ish and multiple spellings).

Do I throw out the rules or the names list? Is it ok to have trendier boy’s names and more vintage girl’s names? Also, do you have any name suggestions that fit our parameters?

For middle names, we have a few family names we would like to use (Eugene, Renee, and possibly Augusta), but past that, I am struggling to come up with names that feel “right.” Our last name rhymes with Bedford (with an M), so my only concern with that is avoiding words like JAM, DAM, etc.

Sorry this was so long!!

Thanks!

Abigail

I suggest changing the Rules List into a Preferences List. Each name can then be weighed against your preferences, but if a name fails to meet one or more preferences it doesn’t have to be removed from consideration: you’d just move on to considering whether you like the name enough to use it anyway. The preference list can be used to narrow things down, or it can be used to measure the strength of your feelings for a name: “I love it so much I don’t even care about the preferences,” or “I just don’t love it enough to give up that preference.” The preference list can also be used to gently argue against the other parent’s suggestions: “Well, but we agreed we didn’t want anything made-up.”

As you work with your name lists, you may find you want to remove a preference entirely. It’s very common for parents to enter the naming process thinking they want one kind of name, or liking a certain type of name in theory, and then realize that’s not what they want after all. This is another reason I like the idea of preferences rather than rules: it’s psychologically easier to remove a preference than to remove a rule. You may also find you each have your own preference list, and that may help with your discussions: “What about this name? It meets your preference for something friendly/cowboy, but also meets my preference for something traditional/classic.”

Yes, it’s absolutely okay to have trendier boy names and vintage girl names; it’s pretty common for parents to have different styles for boy names and girl names. The only time it bugs me is when parents choose solid traditional serious dignified names for their sons and lightweight cutesy names for their daughters, or when parents make name decisions that assume their sons will keep their full names permanently but their daughters will need room for their husbands’ names—but neither of those cases are what we’re talking about here.

I think it might be helpful to have a discussion about the word “trendy” and what it means to each of you. Some people use it to mean common/popular; others use it to mean a name that may end up very tied to a particular decade, because of the way it came suddenly into style and seems poised to depart just as suddenly. Because the word trendy tends to be used in a derogatory way, you may find it easier to weigh names against your preferences if you come up with a few different words to cover the various aspects of trendiness: “common,” “in style,” even “on-trend” has more of a descriptive rather than negative feel. You may decide, for example, that you’d prefer to avoid common names, but don’t mind names that are in style; or that you don’t mind a name that’s common as long as it’s classic/traditional rather than modern/invented.

If I may answer a question you didn’t ask, I will say that although I think it’s valuable to think about and discuss these things ahead of time, I don’t think you need to settle this before getting pregnant. I remember being queasy and weepy while pregnant, and okay, fine, once I flipped over a (small) dining room table—but I was definitely up to the task of working on names. It gave me something fun and pleasant to do during the long uncomfortable wait of pregnancy, and I also found my opinions on names sharpened and changed when there was an actual baby on the way.

Name update:

Hello, Swistle!
I last wrote in almost three years ago. A little while later, we welcomed our daughter, @ugusta “Ju1iet.” She goes exclusively by Juliet or some variation of it. The name is absolutely perfect for her for so many reasons:
1. Matching initials with my husband and I (not something we plan to continue for future children–we just thought it was fun for our firstborn).
2. Augusta is a family name dating back to the 1800s and also the name of my sister, with whom I am very close.
3. August was the month in which my husband and I started dating and were engaged (not the same year, of course!)
4. We visited Augusta, Maine, on our honeymoon.
5. Augusta National is my husband’s favorite golf tournament (is this how I got him to commit to it? Possibly. ;) )
6. Juliet is a name we both love and is easy to spell and pronounce. It’s established and feminine, but not too frilly.
7. Going by Juliet eliminates the confusion over having two Augusta’s in the family and also having three A names on our family Christmas card.

So, there is the name update! Our Juliet is now a spunky little whirlwind of a toddler.

Dear Swistle,

As a long-time reader, I am glad to finally be able to send you a question of my own. We named our daughter Avila (pronounced AV-i-la) after a saint we loved, feisty Teresa of Avila, and also after our two mothers who both have Therese in their names. As we didn’t announce the name until birth, I wasn’t prepared for the difficulty that the pronunciation of her name would bring. Perhaps we live in a friendlier place than most, but people are constantly asking me what our daughter is named and it often takes several tries (it rhymes with Avalon, Avalanche etc.) and some confusion before it’s sorted out. We also have family who see her a couple times a year who still mispronounce her name, including her Grandpa.

Now that we are expecting baby number two, I would really love to choose a name that doesn’t cause so many pronunciation problems. In fact, my husband and I are beginning to realize that although we love Avila’s name for the reasons we chose it, for the most part our naming style trends towards the more familiar. For boy’s names we’re set—deciding between Xavier or Blaise—but girl’s names are posing a problem for us. Our last name is Carrot with an M.

My husband loves the name Anastasia with the nickname Anya, but I am afraid that I will have to explain Anya as much as Avila, or at least that people won’t recognize it at first: (Did you say Ana? etc.) And I’m not enthused by the other nicknames for Anastasia.

We both love the name Rose, and we’ve discussed a number of other names including:

Clara

Genevieve

Magdalena (nn Lena)

Josephine

Sylvie (my husband’s not on board)

 

We’d like to pick a saint name, but that hardly narrows the field as so many names (both unusual and familiar) come from saints.

As much as I’d love to choose Rose, or another good name, and call it done, I’m worried that Avila and Rose just don’t work together. One is so uncommon and the other so classic. We’d also like to have more children, and if we continue in the “pronounceable/familiar” trend, will Avila one day feel strange to have a more unusual name than anyone else?

I feel stuck. Should we go with Anya and just embrace the unusual? Should we go with Rose and forget sibling naming unity? Or choose something else? I feel like what we name baby two will make a big difference for how we name any future children.

Although my due-date is in January, we’d love to stop going in circles on this! Thanks for your help!

 

G.

 

 

 

Name update:

Thanks for all your suggestions! Naming all our kids after saintly geographical locations, (such as the name Siena that so many of you suggested,) was an appealing idea, but seemed potentially limiting in the long run. So, when we did have a second little girl, we named her Rose Therese Eowyn. The names Rose Therese are in honor of St. Therese of Lisieux (whose symbol is the rose), and Eowyn is a courageous woman from the Lord of the Rings books that my husband and I both admire. We waffled a little on giving her two middle names, but in the end since we could not pick between them, we gave her both.

Hi Swistle,

I’ve been a fan of your blog for years, particularly for the Naming Update satisfaction, and thought that, due to my research, baby naming would be no problem but that was before I realized my husband and I have COMPLETELY different naming styles.

Our first baby, a boy, is due in 3 weeks, and we need help. I finally was able to sit my husband down to talk names this past week by reading through the Baby Name Wizard and I now feel even more stressed than before. Our last name is Sp@d@for@ pronounced Sp@d@-for@h. My husband’s name is Mark and mine is Joyce (or Joyce-Marie for my family). As you can see, one of us has Italian heritage but the other does not. With such a distinctive Italian last name, I would prefer an ethnically neutral first name or one that errs towards Irish/Danish/German to represent my heritage.

For family honoring purposes, my husband wants the baby’s middle name to be Anthony. It is not my favorite name but I value family history (both my names are family names) and am willing to use this name.

The biggest issue is not that we disagree on individual names but instead on styles. I favor classic names that don’t give away the year someone was born (like the Ashleys and Emilys and Jennifers of the 1980s), that work well for a boy and a man, has some meaning, and is not out in left field (if it can be found on a personalized keychain kiosk, unlike Joyce, that would be a plus). My husband, who has coached men’s sports for 15 years, wants a unique name. He has bad connotations of many “normal” names because of past players and wants to reject any name that shows up on a top 10 or 20 list or feels generic (e.g., Christopher, Paul, Noah, Aidan, Liam, Thomas). I explained that the quantity of people with these names is low, but he is unconvinced.

I think I am also part of the problem because I am set on a name: Jack. It was my uncle’s name, so has a good family tie, it is steady, usual, works well for a boy or a man, balances a complex last name, and has the same ending as Mark and his father, Frank. Jack Anthony even works and honors both families. However, my husband currently has 2 Jacks on his team and while he hasn’t come out and said no way (mostly due to my saying how much I love the name), he keeps trying other options.

Some of his suggestions that I have rejected for various reasons have been:
Dominic (he got the name from the Fast and the Furious, I think it’s too Italian/Mafia with our last name)
Vincent (ditto)
Steele
Duke
Maximus (from Gladiator – I like the name Max but I don’t like this longer form and he doesn’t like Maxwell and we both don’t like Maximillian)
Clark (as in Clark Kent)
Mason (I don’t love that it’s a Kardashian name and I also don’t really love the name)
Samson
Jett
Titus
Simon
Tobin
Calvin (Calvin and Hobbs)

Some of my suggestions that he doesn’t like have been:
Jack
Jameson (James is a family name, this naming convention is Scandinavian)
Nathan/Nate (he doesn’t think it goes with Anthony)
Luke (I like the Star Wars reference, he thinks it is too popular and we have friends with a Lucas)
Colin/Cole
Graham
Finn (again, Star Wars but he thinks that will cause the popularity to rise)
Asher
Caleb (he hates the name for some reason)
Joshua/Josh
Miles
Tobias/Toby
Christian (rejected by him because of past associations with players)

Some of our compromise names – as in neither of us love it but we don’t hate it and we have overlap are:
Jackson (he’s open to this because of the character in Sons of Anarchy but doesn’t like its popularity, it would get me Jack but it feels like settling off of a perfect name)
Lincoln
Logan
Parker
Tucker
Walden

It also doesn’t help that both families are convinced we have a name and are lying to them when we say we don’t. In short, there is a lot to be stressed about at the end of the pregnancy and I would like one or two names to choose from after the baby is born. I know I’m being stubborn with Jack when Jackson seems like a compromise and I feel like I am shutting down his ideas when I should be grateful that he is participating but I don’t want to name my son Jett/Steele!

Any advice you can provide would be greatly appreciated! Help us Obi-Wan Swistle, you’re our only hope

Thank you for your time!
Joyce

PS I should mention that girls names do not seem to be a problem for us – I have a ton of ones I love and he overlaps with a great deal of them (I like Lucy and Grace and Alice and Rosemarie). Fingers crossed the next kid (and maybe the last) will be a girl for marital harmony!

So your husband likes mostly superhero / action hero / comic book / xtreme tuff names. Luckily, there are a number of those names that don’t seem that way when they’re not on a list with the others. Here are the ones I’d pick from his list:

Clark. My top choice for you guys. I think it accomplishes everything you’re looking for with the name Jack (except the family honor), but with an option that satisfies your husband’s wish for something less common and/or something that has superpowers. If you were both on board with Jack, I’d be all for it: it’s a nice classic familiar friendly versatile name, and I love family names. But I’m siding with your husband on the popularity of it: popularity will vary by location, of course, but in our area (and on your husband’s teams, apparently) it feels like it’s everywhere. Clark has a very similar classic versatile feeling, but also feels much fresher. Clark Anthony Sp@d@for@. Top choice.

Calvin. A great name, and doesn’t hint at a wish for hyper-masculinity.

Samson. Hints at hyper-masculinity, but is mainstream enough to just seem like a way to get the friendly nickname Sam.

Simon.

Tobin.

From your list, I think Nathan is a great option, and I don’t think an incompatibility with the middle name should be enough to completely rule it out. Could Anthony wait and be the middle name for a future child? Are there other honor names the two of you would like to use? How about Jack in the middle slot this time? Nathan Jack Sp@d@for@.

I’d also rescue Finn from your list. I wouldn’t let fear of future popularity rule out a name: predicting such things is so difficult.

I don’t think you’re being stubborn about Jackson. It doesn’t feel like a satisfying compromise to me, either: it reduces the honor name for no real gain, and I don’t like it as much with the surname.

I feel disinclined to search for more options when Clark is shining out at me like that. But maybe Teague, Ian, Alec, Grant, Blake, Keane, Leo, Milo, Nolan, Reid, Jude, Flynn, Keegan, Abe, Gage, Dane?

Name update:

Hi Swistle,

Thank you for posting my naming dilemma and for all the helpful comments! It seems as if the old school hero names like Clark are on an upswing. However, one of the commenters pointed out that Clark rhymes with Mark, my husband’s name, and so that eliminated that name from contention in my mind. After about 20 hours of labor while we were waiting to begin pushing, my husband looked at me and said “so, Jack, huh?” and that was that! Jack Anthony Sp@d@for@ was born on his due date and we couldn’t be happier. I also love that he has a piece of my family’s history along with my husband’s in his name. And, interestingly enough, he looks like a dead ringer for my uncle Jack! Thank you again for everything!

Joyce-Marie

Hi Swistle,

We are expecting our third baby girl at the end of November! Our daughter’s names are Emerson Alexandra and Lennox Eloise. We are having trouble coming up with something we love for our newest addition! We obviously prefer unisex/gender neutral names and ones that are surname-ish paired with a more feminine middle name. We do not like nicknames so those are not a factor for us. We also prefer if the name isn’t something that is common (no Avery, Jordan, Finley, etc.) Our surname is long and Italian, M0scaritol0.

We have discussed so many names but none feel right. I’m looking for some new suggestions of ones we may have not thought of so far. We don’t use family names so we have no real inspiration and feel stuck!

Please help!

Samantha M.

This is a little tricky, because you’ve discussed so many names and want new suggestions you haven’t thought of—but of course we don’t know which ones you’ve discussed and which ones you haven’t thought of. We could easily end up making you a list of the same old names you’ve been over a hundred times before. But that list could still help other people looking for names of a similar style, so let’s give it a shot.

Brecken
Brennan
Brinley
Callan
Camden
Campbell
Carrigan
Colby
Crosby
Delaney
Delancey
Devany
Holland
Hollis
Keaton
Keller
Kieran
Kinley
Padgett
Presley
Quincy
Rooney
Rowan
Sterling

Name update:

Just wanted to drop by and update! Our rainbow baby girl was born on 12/6/17 and we hadn’t decided on a name before her birth! We ended up going with something that was not on our shortlist because it just fit her! It was a name we both said no to before but when I saw her I just knew it was the one!

Briar Caroline is now 1 month old and has brought our family so much joy!

Dear Swistle,

Send help! I’m suddenly in a panic about the name we have chosen for our son, due December 1. The name we have chosen (and told our families) is George, but I woke up this morning and suddenly I don’t feel like this is our baby’s name. I still really like the name, I just know if it is MY baby’s name. Our last name is Schm@lz and George feels like a tongue twister when said aloud with our German surname. George was my husband’s suggestion early in our pregnancy and when I approached him today with my second thoughts, he told me he suggested George as a joke! And then convinced me to like it because it is a family name. (WHAT?! Clearly another letter to another column.) George is a family name from my husband’s side and his parents are very pleased we’ve chosen George.

Our daughter’s name is June, chosen years before we ever started our family. I don’t feel like I could ever love a name as much as I love June. She is our beautiful, much anticipated & prayed for daughter who surprised us all by arriving on my birthday, which is June 1. Her name is too serendipitous and meant to be that I don’t know how / if I will ever find that again. This baby boy is a complete surprise and the super planner in me hasn’t had years to obsess over names this time around like I did with June. If June were a boy, her name would have been Teague. I now think maybe THIS baby’s name is Teague, instead of George. I like the name Teague because it is a town in Texas that holds fond memories for us. (We live in Texas.) When we were pregnant with our daughter, we moved into a house on Teague Road, which seemed like a sign that this was our house. I don’t know anyone else named Teague or George which makes both names appealing.

We may have 1 more child after our son and I feel like siblings named June and George have sealed our fate as a family of J/G names which I am not into. Our runner up for my daughter’s name was Ruby. But also, last time I was pregnant I suggested the name Plum at the 11th hour which in hindsight, was clearly pregnancy hormones talking. I’m grateful now that my husband talked me out of that one. Other boy names we’ve considered are Tate (too easily confused when said aloud with Kade… Tade? Kate?), Levi (another no go) and Holt (I still love it but can’t get my husband on board.) My husband is unsure of Teague, he said its easier for him to decide when he hears the name said aloud by other members of our family. I don’t want to announce another name for our baby to our family only to hear them say it aloud and let my husband decide he’s not into it.

My husband’s name is Kade and my name is Leah. Should I chalk up these second thoughts on a not yet arrived baby’s name to pregnancy hormones or trust my gut that tells me the son I’m carrying isn’t George? I can’t wait & go to the hospital with 2 names. I feel very unsettled carrying a person inside me without a name.

Please help! I will send a photo & update the moment he is earthside & named, I promise!

Sincerely,

Leah

Is there any advice less helpful than advice it is too late to follow? Nevertheless, because this blog is read by many other people who are or will be in the same shoes, I’m going to lead with that: There are many good reasons not to announce a baby’s name before the baby is born, and this letter illustrates one of them. ESPECIALLY with a family name, where people can feel pleased and honored about the use of a name, and then feel hurt and disappointed when the name is changed.

Now to the advice that is, I hope, usable. I think you are giving yourself wayyyyyyyyyyy too hard a task here. First, you are looking for a name you love as much as your daughter’s name, but of course that is not possible at this stage of the game: her name now represents to you everything that she is, the whole beloved person. One day your son’s name will do the same, but at this point you haven’t yet met him, and a name on its own can’t live up to that goal.

Secondly, the fate/meant-to-be element. I can be no more sure than anyone else about the actual underlying workings of our universe. But I am about as sure as I am of anything in life that the universe does not pre-select one perfect meant-to-be name for each human being and then sadistically leave the parents to frantically scramble through every possible name looking for it OR ELSE. You had a remarkable and unusual string of coincidences surrounding your daughter’s name; you say you don’t know how/if you can ever find that again. What if it’s not your job to make cool things like that happen, and you didn’t do anything to make it happen the first time, either? What if it’s the universe’s job to do cool things like that, and your job to appreciate them when they happen? What if your one and only job here is to choose a name your child will find useful for introductions and homework papers, and let fate figure out if there’s going to be cool stuff involved too?

Names are sounds/letters we use to identify a particular human being. There are people who believe in mystical underpinnings and significances of names, but as I understand such things, if they exist you couldn’t avoid them if you tried. If it were true that there was One Destined Name for your son, and you scoffed and said “Fie on you, universe! We shall choose the name we like and not the one you have destined!,” we all know that story would end with you having inadvertently chosen the name the universe wanted you to choose. If fate exists, then there is no getting around it.

Your responsibility as parents is to choose him a good and useful name. Probably nothing is going to give you the same thrill as your daughter’s name, and that’s absolutely normal and okay at this point; later, when the name has welded to your son’s whole being, it may give you that same thrill—or it may never do so, and that’s also normal and okay. Probably nothing is going to measure up to the string of coincidences surrounding your daughter’s name, and that too is absolutely normal and okay. Did you MAKE all those cool things to happen with June’s name? Did you prevent her from being born until June, and then force her birth on your birthday? You don’t need to force/engineer events this time, either. Maybe you will get lucky and similar things will happen this time, or maybe the universe gave you a little fun treat last time and it’s one per customer.

Okay, it’s time to address the name itself. George is a great name, and a family name too. It’s a little hard to say with the surname, but not at deal-breaking levels. I recommend finding a bunch of names already given to actual people (a yearbook, or credits of a movie or TV show, or acknowledgements in the back of a book, etc.), and seeing how many of them don’t quite go with the surnames; it can be soothing to see how very unnoticeable it is and how very little it matters.

I don’t think siblings named June and George commits you to all J/G names. It helps that they start with different letters.

Teague is also a great name. Either name will give this child a good usable name to live with.

If you don’t want to use George, you don’t have to. You still have about four months to go, so there is plenty of time to think this through. I think part of your panic may be because you already announced it and you feel as if you have to tell people right away that things have changed. I do recommend telling everyone that the name is not in fact yet fully decided, and then don’t make any more absolute/final name-related announcements until the birth: the worst here would be to yank people back and forth about the name. Discussions, sure: go ahead and say you’re considering Teague, if your husband needs to hear other people say it (though be aware it opens the name up for feedback, which can make things more difficult). But even if you absolutely settle on a name and want to let everyone know, leave it loose: “We’re PRETTY settled on ______, but we’re going to wait until we see him to be sure!” That will take some pressure off of you, and I hope make you feel less trapped.

I understand the desire to get this baby named and feel settled about it, but there is no real hurry at this point, and the feeling that it is Important that he be named as soon as possible is going to put you under unnecessary pressure and stress—not great conditions for facilitating big decisions. It’s not weird for him not to have a name yet; many, maybe MOST babies aren’t named yet at this stage of pregnancy. Take your time; sit with both names (and others, too, if you like), and see which one rises to the top.

Name update:

Hi Swistle,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response to my panicked email about naming our son. I appreciate your sound advice & the input of your thoughtful readers. After much consideration, we decided George wasn’t the name for this baby and Teague D@vid Schm@lz joined our family this week. All of us, especially big sister June, are smitten.

Leah

Hi Swistle
LONG time reader, first time caller. I have long been obsessed with names and never thought I would need assistance, but here I am totally drawing a blank on what to name our second child.

My husband and I have a 2 year old daughter named H@zel D0r0thy. She’s named for my husbands great grandmother and my grandmother. We are expecting our son and last baby in November and can’t agree at all on a name. Our last name starts with a G, is two syllables and ends in an er sound.

This baby’s middle name will be my maiden name which sounds like Pennyworth but starts with a B.

There are three main thoughts/concerns I have with naming this boy

1)I’d like to honor my father who passed away 3 years ago this August. His name was Stephen Roy. My brother just named his son Stephen so that name is out. But I thought about incorporating my father’s names meaning which is Crowned King. My husbands name, Ry@n also means little king. So maybe a name that means some form of King?

2) The name Simon seems to check all the boxes for me. It honors a dear friend and starts with the same letter as my father’s name. The problem is that my husband doesn’t seem to be too excited about it or any names for that matter, as explained below.

3) So the greatest challenge/concern when it comes to naming our son is my lovely husband. His only contribution to the name list is Crash. This is the only name he’s suggested and seems to be considering (even if this baby had been a girl). I couldn’t be more opposed to this name. My brother’s name is Wilder and he’s definitely lived up to his name. Plus, and most importantly there’s nothing about this name that gives it roots like my daughter’s very family centric name. His exact reasons for liking Crash are that “it sounds cool, its onomatopoeia and it’s not a crazy name like Satchel” I’m not sure why he wants a name that’s has onomatopoeia but can understand wanting a name that is unique.

Names I’ve considered:
Simon- My top contender. It honors a close friend and has the same letter as my father’s name
Emerson – family name on both sides
Sam – I’ve loved this name since I was a little girl
Henry – means estate ruler – my father built houses
Leo
Walter – my grandfathers name
Everett
Emmett
Elliott
Otis – his grandfathers name. We both LOVE this name but found out at Christmas that his grandfather was not a nice man at all.

Names my husband likes
Crash – I hate this
Redmond – location of where we first met and probably our top contender, just doesn’t feel like the one.

Girl names we were considering
Pearl
Zelda
Henley

Help! Any strategies to help open up my husband into considering more names? I promise to send a prompt update and pictures!

Best
Hannah

When I get a new baby-name letter, I open up my spreadsheet and I start filling out the cells as I get to those parts of the letter: name of letter-writer, due date, boy/girl—and then a brief description of the issue. As I was reading along, I was thinking it was unlikely I’d answer this one. I’ve done so many “husband fixates on one name and won’t consider others” letters that I figured I wouldn’t be able to tell you anything you hadn’t seen me telling dozens of others: tell him the name has to be off the table; tell him it’s not a matter of finding him a name he likes better than that one, but rather a matter of finding a name the two of you can agree on; tell him he has to do some of the work here rather than just waiting for you to bring him names to reject.

But then I got to the name in question. Crash. CRASH.

On this site we are name-friendly and open to every name within reason. If you were writing to me about finding a middle name for the name Crash, you would not see me flinch: I would make you a list and I would discuss the interesting issues involved and we would all have a marvelous time.

But this is not such a letter. This is a “one parent has fixated on one name” letter. While generally I think that if one parent is set on a particular name, the other parent should try hard to come around to it, in this case I see no reason not to go directly to ABSOLUTELY NOT. The Felony Fever Vice letter comes to mind: there are some words that are unpleasant and describe bad things, and I don’t think we should give those words as names to people.

The word “crash” has only negative connotations. A car crash. A crash down from a high. A hospital crash cart. It is a violent, negative word. I can’t think of a single good meaning. The kind of “cool” it sounds is the kind of cool that is violent and dangerous, which is not the kind of cool we want to inspire in our children.

Here is the strategy: you say to him, “Are you nuts? Have you lost your fool mind? We are not naming our baby an ugly, violent word. Now get real and help me make an ACTUAL list.” Or just say it with your eyes.

Then it’s the regular, familiar drill:

1. The name Crash is off the table.

2. This is not a matter of finding a name he likes better than Crash; this is a matter of finding a name the two of you can agree on.

3. This is a task that belongs to both of you.

4. The labor is not going to be divided as “You bring him names to consider”/”He vetoes them from on high”: that’s not a fair division. And if he thinks it is a fair decision, perhaps he’d like to swap roles for awhile.

5. He needs to make a nice longish list of reasonable names for the two of you to consider, or else choose some favorites from your list.

You would like to honor your father, but your brother has already used his name. I see what you’re trying to do with a name that matches your father’s name or profession, but it feels like such a watered-down honor compared to using the actual name. If your maiden name was also your father’s surname, then that seems like you already have a very good way to honor him.

If you do want an occupation name, I’d go with something more like Decker, which is apparently an old word for a roofer, carpenter, or builder. The job of ruling over an estate seems so different from the job of building houses, and not in a positive way: that is, building the houses seems more honorable.

If you do want a name with a king-type meaning, there are these:

Brendan – prince
Cyrus – king
Darius – king
Elroy – the king
Kendrick – powerful royal
Leroy – the king
Rex – king
Richard – rich, powerful ruler
Roald – famous ruler
Roderick – famous ruler
Royce – king’s son
Xerxes – king

For those definitions I used Baby Names Made Easy: The Complete Reverse Dictionary of Baby Names). You’ll want to double-check meanings in a couple of different baby name books, because they can vary considerably.

I want to give some support to the name Redmond: that’s a pretty great name. It has meaning for you two, and it satisfies the urge for something very unusual while still feeling like a name. Red is a cute nickname (any chance he’ll be a redhead?). It goes well with the sibling name: H@zel and Redmond.

I also like Royce. The -ce gives the name Roy a more modern feel. H@zel and Royce.

And I like Cyrus, which has some sounds in common with Simon. H@zel and Cyrus.

Name update:

Hi Swistle,
Thank you so much for posting my question. I tried out Simon for a few days but felt that it was a one sided name; it didn’t involve my husband at all and that didn’t feel right. This left us with the name Redmond. Crash was off the table. And once we decided on that, it just felt right. Your readers comments also really helped me feel more confident in choosing his name. Redmond arrived a few days ago (on my birthday) and we are in love! Thank you again for your help!
Best
Hannah

Hi Swistle

My husband and I are having a really hard time agreeing on a name for our new baby boy. Baby H as we call him now is due Aug 25, 2017 but I have a feeling he will make an entrance sooner.

Our last name is Heidendahl, so we need to work with that. Baby H has an older sister who will be 2 when he arrives. Her name is Ruby. My husband and I both love the name Ruby – classic, feminine, not overused, and who doesn’t want to be named after a gemstone.

But baby H is so much harder. My husband tends to like classic names. His top two are William (I def don’t want my son to be a Bill) and Austin (after some hockey player). I could live with Austin. But I want to love the name not just settle for it.

My fav names are Grayson or Gray. Hubby hates these options. Hayden is a backup but I just feel like it’s not right.

If we were to have a girl I have a long list of names I love. Poppy is one of my faves, although hubby isn’t keen on that either.

Any suggestions? I really want something unique like Ruby but ideally a classic so that hubby will be on board.

Mandi and Ryan Heidendahl
Canada

I am not familiar with usage outside of the U.S., but in the U.S. the current default nickname for William is Will, and the other really common choice is Liam. I think you could force the nickname Bill, but I don’t think it would happen without significant effort. Would that change your mind at all about the name William, or is it still not your thing?

A name like Wilson would be more the style of Grayson, and even less likely to become a Bill. I’m sort of hoping Wilson is the name you choose, because it’s such a fun example of the rare Perfect Compromise name: William + Greyson = Wilson. Wilson Heidendahl; Ruby and Wilson.

Your husband’s choice of Austin is right in line with the style of your choices Grayson and Hayden, so that’s where I’d think we’d be more likely to find agreement—but on the other hand, maybe he only likes it because of the hockey player, and wouldn’t like other names in the same style. I suggest surreptitiously scanning the first names and surnames of all the players on the team(s) he likes, and seeing if there are any names you love; if so, spin them to him as hockey names. (I did this with Paul and scientist names.)

I also suggest at this point saying, “Okay, so you hate Grayson and Hayden, and I’m really not feeling Austin, so let’s take all of those out of the running.” (I would take Hayden off the list anyway, because of the tangle it creates with the surname.) I like your idea of finding a more traditional name, but something more in line with the usage of Ruby rather than the usage of William; and I’ll include some in the style of Austin/Grayson in case he does like that style too:

Arthur
August/Gus
Beckett
Caleb
Calvin
Carson
Charles/Charlie
Clark
Davis
Ellis
Emmett
George
Grady
Grant
Griffin
Harris
Henry
Jasper (another stone-related name)
Leo
Louis
Nathan
Spencer
Warren
Wesley
Wilson

Name update:

Not sure I ever thanked you for all your suggestions. Thanks! We went with Leo, also because he is a Leo.
Mandi H.

Dear Swistle –

I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant with our first child – a boy! – and my husband is being NO HELP! Our last name is Mouton (Moo-TAWN), and we have agreed to the middle name Michael, in honor of my husband’s dad.

From the beginning, my husband has been very picky but hasn’t given me enough information to figure out what he likes. Also, he’s very sarcastic, and some of his reasons sound like he’s trolling me to be obnoxious, but I can’t tell anymore and he keeps using the same reasons, so maybe he’s serious?

Here was his responses to my first suggestions:
Titus/Silas – doesn’t like names that end in “us”.
Levi – doesn’t like names that end in “I”.
Noah – no old names (also completely off my own list since it’s so popular).
Lucas – sounds too “black”. Mind you, MY HUSBAND IS BLACK. And he says Lucas sounds this way because of the new series Luke Cage. *eye roll*
Finn – that’s a character from the new Star Wars.
Tobias – Arrested Development.
Justin – “everyone” will think we named him after Justin Timberlake.
Robert – too generic.
Felix – he just stared at me. I think that’s bad?
Oliver – too British.

We can agree that he doesn’t like Bible names (though I keep pushing because they’re classics) and he doesn’t like pop culture references, though I hope this is just something he can get over once the baby is here and he meets his son.

He keeps suggesting names and then telling me he was joking. This is how I came to love both Max and Sebastian, only to find out that he never seriously considered them! And his latest cop-out when asked is that he hates his OWN name, so how could he determine a good name for a kid?

Here are my final ideas, after I (mostly) took out the ones to which he was adamantly opposed. I had hoped to wait to show him in the delivery room when he’s facing a final deadline, but he asked to see it today and – of course – hated them ALL.
Max/Maxwell
Elliot
Sebastian
Peter
Bradley
Harrison
Lincoln
Felix
Silas or Simon
Nathaniel

Maybe this is more of a marriage question than a baby name question, but where can I go from here? I don’t really intend to start over on names, and it doesn’t sound like he’s going to try very hard to consider names in his own, either. Should I cross my fingers that he’ll just let me choose when it comes down to it? (In that case, I would probably pick Max.) Or is there another solution that we haven’t considered yet?

Thanks for your help with our conundrum!
Bethany

PS – we had a girl name picked out about two hours after finding out we were pregnant, so the good news is that future naming battles might turn out differently!

Have you considered putting your thoughts and feelings on this issue into a screaming meltdown? It sounds as if it might be time for something that knocks Mr. Automatic Comeback back into the land where we are not in a Saturday Night Live sketch but instead choosing an actual name for an actual baby who will be making an actual arrival.

If you are not the screaming meltdown type, we will need another way to get his attention. Whatever your usual style is when you have Had It (eg, long hard stare with clenched jaw, or tears running silently down cheeks as you gaze hopelessly at the wall, or becoming snippy, or dropping the subject until he notices, or saying “We need to talk,” or calling his sister and getting her to yell at him, or whatever), it is time to bring it. What we need here is this, or the equivalent of this: “Listen. This baby needs a name. You are not only not helping me with this, you are actively making it much, much harder. Time is getting very short, and right now I need you to stop making jokes, stop kneejerk-rejecting names, and HELP me with this job that belongs to BOTH of us. Here is the baby name book: make a list of ten names you like. Or if you don’t want to have to do even a small amount of the research work, then pick three names, just THREE names from my extensive list, names that you don’t ‘hate.’ Up to you, but by tomorrow we are having a name discussion that is about names you like, and not about how much you hate all my choices. If you don’t want to help, fine—but then I am picking the name. So suit up, buttercup.”

It might or might not be helpful to know the girl-name choice: it might help us figure out his style. [Edited to add: We have it now: it’s Madeline Jayne.] On the other hand, it’s very common for people to have a different style in girl names than in boy names. And also, his current style might be “Repressed Panicked Ambivalence.” Do you have a copy of The Baby Name Wizard? Quite possibly you have already tried this, but if you haven’t, I suggest looking up your girl name and seeing what the author suggests as brother names. Also look up the style categories the author puts the name into, and see if you like the boy names in that list. For example, let’s say your girl name is Clara. Brother names for Clara are listed as: Leo, Miles, Emmett, Oscar, Charles, Henry. And style categories for Clara are “Ladies and Gentlemen” and “Antique Charm.” But again, this won’t be much help if your boy-name style is different than your girl-name style.

My usual next step would be to go over your list and start discussing names—but in this case, it’s like the factory is shut down and we can’t do anything else until it’s up and running again. You have a wide variety of excellent names of various styles here, and I don’t think any of us think the real problem is your list. To give you some hope, we’ve had a number of letters where one parent is being impossible and saying they hate everything, and then the baby is born and the parent chooses a name they formerly claimed to hate. It can make you want to slam that person’s head into a plate of hospital food, but it is nice to know that sometimes it works out well in the end.

Name update:

Our son Samuel Michael was born on August 7!

I told my husband about your blog and how I was going to start calling the
baby Max to see if it fit, which is when he confessed that he just didn’t
like it at all. So, I dropped the conversation for the time being, and as
my induction date neared, Trent was more and more anxious about not having
a name.

By the time Sam was born, Trent had chosen 2 names from my list that were
passable – Elliot and Sebastian. But THEN, after 30 hours of labor and 2
hours of pushing (with Trent by my side to see it all, of course), he
decided that I could name him whatever I wanted.

Sam went another day without a name because it was WAY too much pressure on
me to choose a favorite name on top of everything else – all I could do was
mourn the ones I wasn’t choosing!

And then it was going to be Peter or Elliot. (I decided Sebastian was too
fanciful for this guy.) But I didn’t feel right when I crooned “Peter” to
the baby, and when I decided on Elliot, it just made me sad it wasn’t Sam.

So, Trent got final veto over Sam, et voìla, our son became Samuel Michael,
just in time to come home from the hospital!

Family has been informed that they may call him Sammy as a pet name, but it
shall not be written down. I don’t know why I’m so particular, but there it
is.

Thanks again to you and all the commenters who gave me advice on dealing
with a picky and indecisive husband! I really didn’t expect him to let me
choose whatever name I wanted, but I’m so happy it turned out perfectly for
us.

– Bethany

Hi Swistle,

I have loved reading your blog over the years and continually refer back to your archives. I am writing because we are expecting our 3rd and final child in October and we are having a harder time deciding on a name this time around.

Our last name is Pollack, spelled differently. We have two children, Charles (Charlie) Joseph and Hazel Lillian. Since we already have a boy and a girl, we are keeping this third child’s gender a surprise. However, that means we have to come up with TWO names, not just one. Yikes! Charlie is named after a grandfather on each side and the middle name Lillian is a family name as well. Ideally, we’d like the name to have 2 syllables so it fits in with Charlie and Hazel and our “name family.” We tend to like more traditional names that are not super popular.

If the child is a boy, we’d like to use the middle name Israel (my maiden name). As far as boy contenders, this is where we are having the hardest time and are feeling somewhat stuck. I have always loved the name Simon and think it fits so well with our other two, but my husband is not a fan of it. (He can’t exactly pinpoint why, but I think it might be because he does a lot of business in the UK and has run across his fair share of Simons, since the name seems to be more popular there). Other names we have considered include:

Nolan–This is a decent contender that we both like but I’m not sure it’s the one yet. Maybe it’s that it begins and ends with the letter “N” but I don’t find it as inviting a name as Charlie and Hazel, if that makes sense. It sounds a little harder to me.

Grayson–Again, another one we are both okay with but not quite sure it’s right. It sounds a little trendier than we’re used to.

We like the Henry/Theodore/James/Noah type names, but they are all too popular where we are from.

As far as girls, if this baby is a girl, her middle name will be Bernice (after BOTH of my grandmothers)! There are a few names we both really like but we keep running into questions about pronunciation.

Isla–This is our front runner and my favorite. However, my husband’s family is all Spanish-speaking and he worries the pronunciation will be so confusing since Isla would literally be pronounced “Ees-la in Spanish.

Laurel–Another name we really love although I hesitate that it sounds too close to Hazel with the -el ending.

Jolie–We love the idea of this name, but again it comes down to pronunciation. Is it JO-lee like Josie or Jo-LEE like the actress? Will we forever be correcting people? If I think about it too much it makes my head spin!

Would love to hear your expert advice or any thoughts that you have. We love both of our kids’ names so much, I feel like the pressure is on for this third baby! Thanks again!

Rachel

Simon seems great to me. Grayson seems like the wrong style with Charlie and Hazel. I’m about to suggest a bunch of names that may very well fall into the Henry/Theodore/James category, but that’s seems like the very category we should be looking at: vintage revival and/or timeless. I’m ignoring the preference for two syllables for now: especially for girl names, I think it unnecessarily rules out too many good candidates. And I don’t know anything about Spanish pronunciation, so I’m leaving that aside as well. You may start to wonder why I am even answering the question if I’m not able/willing to follow the guidelines, and to that I say la la la I do what I want.

Elliot/Emmett/Everett. I think of these names as their own little group, and I think all of them would be great in this sibling group. Charlie, Hazel, and Elliot. Charlie, Hazel, and Emmett. Charlie, Hazel, and Everett. My favorite is Emmett: I think it has the friendly sound of Charlie.

Miles. Charles and Hazel both have a Z-sound; adding another might appeal, or might seem like too much, especially since it repeats the ending of Charles. Milo might be better, and it has a friendlier sound. Charlie, Hazel, and Milo.

Ian. Charlie, Hazel, and Ian. This would make a cute monogram of the surname-in-the-middle variety: IPI.

Malcolm. I like how this name has a formal/friendly sound: dressed up like Charles, but approachable like Charlie. Charlie, Hazel, and Malcolm. I find it a little difficult to say with the surname, but not too difficult.

Jasper. Charlie, Hazel, and Jasper. I was wondering why that name sounded like it clicked together with the surname in a familiar way, and I think it’s because of the artist Jackson Pollock.

Nicholas. This name is familiar enough that I find my eyes sometimes skim right past it in the name book. But I met a little baby Nicholas recently and was charmed by the name all over again. Charlie, Hazel, and Nicholas. I don’t like the initials NIP, though.

Sam. I would probably use the long form Samuel. Sam feels to me like an absolutely natural brother name for Charlie. Charlie, Hazel, and Sam. Again, I’m not crazy about the initials, but SIP is better than NIP.

George. I love this name so much. Charlie, Hazel, and George. I think that’s darling. It makes me want to squeeze all of them.

Wesley. Charles, Hazel, and Wesley; Charlie, Hazel, and Wes. This is one of my favorite combinations.

Leo. Perfect with Charlie, but maybe too informal with Charles. Charlie, Hazel, and Leo. Initials spell LIP.

Louis. One of my own favorites. Charlie, Hazel, and Louis. LIP initials again.

Oliver. This seems like such a good fit. Charles, Hazel, and Oliver.

You wouldn’t want to use Albert, would you? I’m ready to hear it again, and am trying to talk others into making that happen. It helps that when I was a child there was an extremely kind and gentle college-aged swimming teacher named Albert/Al. He was such a contrast to the other college-aged male swimming teachers, who were loud and show-offy and flirty; Al was warm and patient and nice, and a good teacher. Charles, Hazel, and Albert; Charlie, Hazel, and Al (or Bertie).

Edmund. Charles, Hazel, and Edmund; Charlie, Hazel, and Eddie/Teddy.

Now, for the girl names. You two know your husband’s family: are they good with learning English pronunciations of things? Will they be able/willing to learn it, even though it is different than what they’d expect it to be? If so, then I think you should use Isla if you want to, despite the pronunciation issue. If instead they would never really be able/willing to learn it, or if they would give you a hard time about it, that might be too much hassle and I might suggest going with something else.

Would Iris be any easier? It’s botanical like Hazel, which might make it too matchy for your tastes, but I think it’s a better style fit with Hazel. Charles, Hazel, and Iris.

Laurel feels very matched with Hazel—not only both botanical, but also the matched endings. I also have a little trouble saying Laurel Pollack.

Part of the package deal of the name Jolie is going to be correcting pronunciation. Would that drive you crazy, or would you be fine with that? I pronounce it jo-LEE, like Angelina Jolie and like the French word. But I wouldn’t be surprised to find a JO-lee, like Joely Fisher. Well, I’d be a little surprised. But in any case, the style of Jolie seems so different from the style of Charlie and Hazel, and it bothers me a little that there’d be too -lie endings, and I don’t quite like it with the surname: the repeating -ol- sound, I think.

I would probably head more in the direction of vintage revival and/or timeless again. When I looked for boy names, I was looking for something to match the friendliness of Charlie; for girl names, I’m looking for something to match the substance and sass of Hazel.

Eloise. This gives you Z-sounds in all three names. Charles, Hazel, and Eloise.

Eliza. This too gives you Z-sounds in all three names. Charles, Hazel, and Eliza.

Louise. This too gives you Z-sounds in all three names, while also meeting the 2-syllable preference. Charles, Hazel, and Louise.

Georgia. Charlie, Hazel, and Georgia.

Alice. Charlie, Hazel, and Alice.

Lydia. Charles, Hazel, and Lydia.

Matilda. Charlie, Hazel, and Matilda.

Minerva. Charlie, Hazel, and Minerva.

Ruby. Charlie, Hazel, and Ruby.

Winifred. Charles, Hazel, and Winifred.

Name update:

Hi Swistle,

Just wanted to send you a baby update.  Everyone swore up and down we were having a boy so when our girl, Lilah Bernice, arrived a few weeks ago, we were all surprised!!  Thank you so much for all of your thoughtful comments and your readers thoughts as well.  Reading through everyone’s ideas really helped us narrow down our list and we settled on her name rather quickly.   Her brother and sister lovingly refer to her as “Little Lilah”.   Thanks again!

xRachel