Hi Swistle!
I am a long-time reader, first-time name-help-seeker. We have two kids, @lice and H@rvey. My older child @lice is five years old and has been pretty insistent about not being a girl since age three. We have been following @lice’s lead and using she/her pronouns but always saying “kid” instead of “girl,” etc. It was never clear to me if @lice is trans or nonbinary or something else, but over the weekend he finally told us that he is a boy and wants to use he/him pronouns. I am fully supportive of this, although I am terrified given the political climate in our state and the fact that gender-affirming healthcare for trans youth has recently been completely outlawed. Buuuuut let’s ignore that for now and turn to the fun things: (non-)baby names!
I love the name @lice and am so very sad to see it (probably) go. I am not sure if @lice even knows that his first name is traditionally feminine, but we are going to have that conversation soon. If he were, say, a pre-teen, I would let him choose whatever he wanted as a new name (assuming he wants a new name), but I am somewhat worried that at this age we would end up with a preschooler named “Spiderman.” If he were assigned male at birth, he would have been H@rvey, although having two of them in our house seems needlessly confusing now.
What should we put on the short-list of options to present to him? Ideally I would like suggestions in the same style as @lice and H@rvey. Maybe keep the same first initial? Maybe not? His middle name is R@do (rhymes with Play-Doh), which is his late great-grandmother’s name but rare enough to pass as male or gender-neutral or whatever. I like Alex too, since it’s pretty close to @lice and adds an “X,” which is kind of fun. Something somewhat gender neutral might cover more bases as his identity evolves over time. Do you or your readers have any other suggestions?
Thanks!
J@k
I might offer him Al or Rado or A.R. or maybe Alex/Alix, to see if he wants to use any of those, and wait on any further re-namings until he is older and more able to lead/direct the process. In fact, my first thought was to continue calling him @lice for the time being, and follow his lead on the renaming as you have followed his lead on pronouns; but my second thought was that it does seem like it would be nice to get something less Girl in place before gradeschool begins, if only to reduce the amount of time you have to spend discussing it with people who don’t need to know, and aren’t even asking to know, but have merely tripped over the combination of a currently-used-for-girls name plus he/him pronouns.
I lean toward choosing a nickname that comes from his given names for now, rather than coming up with something new. This is, again, to follow his lead, and to avoid jumping the gun, and to reduce the total number of name changes. On the other hand, I admit it also appeals to me to think of temporarily/informally renaming him Ellis: very, very close in sound to @lice, yet worlds apart in style—and a nice fit with H@rvey. Alfie appeals similarly, though is a bigger jump in sound; very nice with H@rvey, though.
Name update:
Dear Swistle,
Thank you for publishing my letter. The help and encouragement from you and your readers was enormously reassuring and validating during a sort of difficult transition in my family. We broached the name subject at dinner one evening and suggested Al (a shortened version of my dad’s name too), Alex, and Rado. He immediately chose Rado and then said, “I’ll be the only ‘R’ in my class!” I have been surprised and delighted by how much confidence and just… a sense of right-ness with the world that the new name has brought him. Happy Mother’s Day to you and your readers, and thank you for being part of the village that supports me to be the best mom I can be for these lovely little creatures.
❤️ Jak
What about Alistair? Similar start when spoken, and adding something extra? Or what about Ali? Both sound good alongside Harvey. I have known a non binary Alice who went by Ali.
Just wanted to add that I think you’re handling this brilliantly and I hope you’re feeling supported going through this as a family ❤️
Came to suggest Alistair as well! I recently named my baby Alice and regretfully crossed Alistair off my list of future boy names. I like Ali and all of Swistle’s suggestions too!
I love the suggestion of Alistair and would offer Allister as an alternative spelling! Also wanted to echo that I love how you are supporting and validating your child – it shouldn’t have to be said, but in this day and age it does, and I think it’s wonderful!
I agree that going with Al, Alex, or Alistair (great suggestion!) are probably the best way to go for now. He can always change it as he gets older until he finds something that fits. My sister’s child has tried a few different names now, and it hasn’t been that hard to get used to.
That being said, my son has a friend in his class who has used he/him pronouns for a couple years, and he still goes by Clara. So I think kids are more flexible now, and your son may want to stick with Alice. It doesn’t seem to have caused any confusion in my son’s class.
A friends 18 yo son was named Alexandra at birth but went by Alex in general as a kid and once they shared their gender and preferred pronouns adopted Alo as the name he was called. I am unsure what legal name changes occurred but Alexandra to Alexander was an easy one.
Another friend’s child Avi uses they/them pronouns and the name is luckily gender neutral enough they haven’t made any changes yet (Avi is 5).
I agree with Swistle and all the other suggestions and would throw Alec into the ring as an option but I don’t love it as much as Ellis and Alistair.
I love the name Alistair, but Ali/Ally, Allis/Ellis all work.
My grandmother was an Alice and her siblings just called her Al. :)
I also came to suggest Alistair! It’s common in the town where I’m from (predominantly Scottish in heritage) so we actually had quite a few male “Allie’s”, from nerds-jocks. I love how if their identity flows, it could flow back to Alice if need be. But I like Swistle’s idea of having a number of names from which they could choose. Alfie, Alex, Rado, Ellis, Ellie, Cy (using the c from Alice)….
How about Les (for Al-less, get it?)
Wes?
When my daughter decided she wanted to change her name at 5, we came up with a short list of names that we might have chosen back when she was born, let her add a few suggestions, and then cycled through the list testing each name until she decided that one fit. It has the same first letter as her old name but otherwise no similarity. It was fun trying out the different names!
You could start with Al, and then decide later what Al is short for (if anything). Al could be a nickname for: Alex, Alexander, Alistair, Alvin, Alan, Alec, Alfred, and many others.
There’s a song “You can call me Al” by Paul Simon, which isn’t about transgender, but kind of a nice lead off to your chilc being called “Al” instead of Alice if he wants to.
oops, child not chilc
Congrats to your sweet family, trans people are a beautiful gift! Your child being open about transition is a testament to how safe you must make your children feel.
I would echo some of the sentiments above about helping your child choose something before kindergarten that’s flexible enough to allow for future gender exploration. To that end, Alex is pretty perfect. Can switch to Alix if warranted. EIlis is likewise great. I don’t mind Alistair but it is much less common than H@rvey, and feels stuffy in comparison. And R@do is just bad@ss.
I think if I were in your shoes, I would offer my kid three choices of “boy” names: Alex, EIlis, or R@do. “Alex starts with the same first letter, Ellis sounds very similar, and R@do is already your middle name! What sounds like the best option for you?”
I think Ellis and Alex are both good options. You probably don’t want to do a legal name change until he is old enough to settle on something, but Alex could eventually be short for Alexander if this identity sticks. Coming out that young, my guess is it will, but my kid’s friend group collectively had a lot of changes of gender and names in middle and high school. One kid went through three genders and five names in two years. In general, though, I’ve noticed kids who know at a very young age tend not to change their minds.
BTW, I get you being sad about losing the name you chose. My non-binary 18 year old came out at 11 and I still miss their old name. We did a legal name change when they were almost 16.
I think a sound alike option like Alex or Ellis would be your best bet. Nothing too different or jarring as you and your child ease into this journey. As he gets older the option for a brand new name is always on the table.
For what it’s worth, I think Wes would be a great option if he wants something a bit similar to Alice yet different and distinctly masculine.
If none of the above sound right, perhaps Elias?
I would use Al for now and wait for a clear name preference when the child is older and feels ready to make that decision.
Al is part of the existing name so it doesn’t commit you to any name in particular. Or maybe Ace?
So the first thing that came to mind was musician Alice Cooper as a male Alice…but apparently that was originally a stage name for vincent Damon Fournier based on the band name, although now it is his legal name.(Not that a small child would know this)
Also Alison/Allison could be unisex.
Best update! Happy your Rado has found a fit. Thanks for updating!
The update made me smile! Happy to hear the name Rado feels like such a good fit <3
Wow I LOVE this update!!! Warms my heart. 😊😊😊
Rado is perfect. ❤️
Rado is such a great name for your kiddo! What a heartwarming story. My trans daughter transitioned at 5 and still goes by the nickname she’s had since birth (Ollie). She’s nine now. You’re doing a great job!!!!!!!