Hi Swistle!
My husband and I are expecting our first child this May and are not finding out the sex. I’ve always loved talking names: my husband, not so much. Before we were pregnant, he said it felt like putting the cart before the horse. (Fair enough, since we ended up dealing with 2.5 years of infertility before this pregnancy).
Now that we are pregnant, I thought we’d have conversations and find a name together. Or, more likely with our decision-making styles, I’d come up with my top 5 names and he’d pick from among them. What I wasn’t expecting is that he doesn’t really care.
Not in a “I don’t want to talk about this at all,” way, more of a “whatever you like, go for it!” way. His position is that the baby is getting his last name, that he knows how much names matter to me, and that he’d tell me if I chose a name he hated. This all sounds perfectly reasonable to me. We’ve always had a policy that if an issue matters more to one partner, they get more say. But at the same time, I feel guilty! A baby’s name feels like such a big decision — shouldn’t he love it too? Am I being selfish in getting my way?
So, Swistle, I mostly just need someone to reassure me that this situation is fair and that I’m not being crazy.
And, of course, since a name letter is no fun without actual names, we/mostly I have settled on Calvin David for a boy and Margaret Rose (Maggie) for a girl. The firstborn women in my family have been named some variant of Margaret for a few generations, and Rose is my middle name and a family name as well. David is my father’s name, and we just liked Calvin :-) The baby’s last name will start with a B and sounds very similar to a famous family of bears that live in a tree.
Thank you for any help and reassurance you may have!
Meg
One reason it has taken me so long to respond (the email arrived LAST NOVEMBER) is that I have empathy but not necessarily advice: I would feel pretty much exactly the same as you feel, and I don’t know how I would deal with it.
Definitely you’re not being selfish or crazy! Your husband appears to be in his right mind, and he is saying this is just not a big deal to him, and he lovingly notices it IS a big deal to you. He has also specifically reassured you that this doesn’t mean he’d let you accidentally use a name he disliked, so there’s a safety net in place. And I do think he is correct that the choice to use his family’s surname for the children is a BIG THING, and I appreciate that he appreciates this.
The situation reminds me a little of when our household needed a computer for the kids to do their homework. I care approximately zero about computers, and Paul is an actual expert on computers and cares very much, and also he KNOWS what the options are and what the implications are of those options, as well as which companies sell what items for what prices, and what needs to be name-brand and what doesn’t, and so on. So I felt completely content letting him make the entire decision, as long as we agreed on a few baseline items such as cost (the children do not need a top-of-the-line dream computer for doing homework) and size (the children do not need multiple computer monitors). I would not WANT to be involved in the discussions; I would not WANT to have to fake being interested in the struggle over rams and gigs or whatever. I would be WILLING to be a sounding-board if that’s what he needed, but I don’t have any other need to be involved.
It sounds very much as if this is what is going on with your husband and baby names. He is presumably WILLING to be a sounding-board if that’s what you need, but he feels content with your tastes and preferences and knowledge on the topic. I guess I DO have a little advice, which is to be careful not to accidentally activate his opinions by using him too often as a sounding-board. If someone talked to me A LOT about computers, I might start developing preferences after all.
Paul was not quite as explicitly hands-off during the baby-name process, but he never really enjoyed discussing names or thinking about them, and he didn’t care very much about the decision, and of course I cared very much indeed. So I will tell you how we handled it. The same day I got a positive pregnancy test, I got out my baby name books and started making lists. I thought about it A LOT, but didn’t talk about it much. I might say “Hey, what do you think of the name Daniel?” or whatever, but I didn’t sit him down for an hour of talk about initials and nicknames, or the pros and cons of Milo vs. Miles. I kept all that within my heart for the time being.
At some point, I handed him a list of maybe a dozen names, and had him star any he particularly liked and cross out any he outright rejected; we first had a little talk about not being over-quick to veto, and about how a veto at this stage was not a VETO-veto (unless he specifically said it was) but more of an indication of which names would be more work to sell. When I had a name I felt pretty excited about, I would prepare him ahead of time to hear it, by SAYING it was a name I felt excited about and so I didn’t want him to react right away, and instead I wanted him to let the name settle in for awhile.
But at one point we got down to two names for one baby, and I preferred one of the two names and Paul preferred the other, and even though Paul said he really liked both names and his preference was only mild and he would be completely happy with either name, and even though my preference was strong and he said it was absolutely fine to go with my preferred name, I still had some trouble doing it! I guess I wanted us to agree, and also for us both to feel equally strongly about it—but that was not one of the available options. And now, years and years later, I don’t think much about it except to feel satisfaction that we went with my choice, which I still feel was objectively better as well as subjectively better.
And you’ve chosen wonderful names: your husband is right to put this decision in your hands. I know what it feels like to want the other parent to feel AS STRONGLY that the names are SO WONDERFUL, and I think he WILL with time—or he might just NEVER really care about it, and that too is FINE. YOU will enjoy the names, and in time I think it will bother you less that he wasn’t as actively involved in choosing them or in rejoicing over them.
If you need any further bolstering, I will attempt to spook you with a glimpse of another timeline, where you are set on these wonderful names, and your husband (scary sting music) DOESN’T LIKE THE NAMES AT ALL. And is insisting on his own favorite names, which are names you (scary sting music) DON’T LIKE AT ALL! And the two of you are locked in this battle, where it looks like neither of you will be happy, and you will have to choose names you feel only mildly positive about, because (one more scary sting music) THOSE ARE THE ONLY ONES YOU CAN AGREE ON!!
Name update:
Hi Swistle,
Thank you ask much for answering my question a few months ago! I needed that validation that (a) I wasn’t being selfish and (b) others had been in similar situations that worked out well.
And now, the fun part of the update – we welcomed our sweet boy Calvin David! As soon as Cal was born, it was like the name became real to my husband. He started looking up famous Calvins and officially christened the nursery “the Cal Zone” 😆.
Thank you again!
Meg
Love the names, especially that Maggie is passed down to the eldest girl. Beautiful!
Only tangentially related but: who are the family of bears that live in a tree?? Is this an American thing? This English girl is bemused!
I think she might be talking about the Berenst@in bears… I had to Google though, because it didn’t come to mind for me either!
I was thinking maybe Panda with a B? Or Koala with a B but as far as I know, that is not a common or even existent surname haha
Haha my first thought was Koala with a B too. But then I realized it was probably Berenst@in.
I was thinking black bear!?
I’m a third for thinking it’s Bear-in-Steen
My husband was the same way. (We have been married now for 31 years, and we have had five children). I have always been a name-monger. I always had a few friends who liked to talk about names, too. Then my husband came along, and he just would not discuss this with me! It seemed so foreign to me that he had never considered what he might name a child! I have a list ready at all times! (And I’m 58, so probably not going to have anymore!) He had veto power, but for the most part, I chose our children’s names. Maybe this was a good thing because it meant so much more to me than it did to him. I don’t know that this is necessarily helpful, but know you’re not alone!
We have a Calvin David! He is 11. We have loved it!
Thank you Swistle for the sound advice for those of us with similar partners when it comes to naming. It’s a relief to know that having the (mostly) sole power in naming doesn’t make you selfish or crazy :)
As for the OP, congrats on your pregnancy! Calvin David and Margaret Rose are *fabulous* names, please update us when he or she makes their arrival!
When it came to naming our daughter we agreed instantly on her name before we even got pregnant. I thought how wonderful it was that our tastes in names were in perfect harmony! And then we got pregnant with our second and I came up with lists and lists of girls’ names only to have him shoot down every single one. But he didn’t have a single one to suggest himself, oh no, he just knew what he didn’t like, and it turned out to be every name I liked. It turns out my daughter’s name was the ONLY girl’s name we both liked. Thank goodness we had a boy because we at least overlapped in our agreement on his single, solitary name.
If we had had a third child I’m not sure what we would have done!
This is basically my husband! I mean, it’s not completely true. We did have SOME names we both liked, enough to make a girl and a boy without any huge drama (other than the slightly heartbreaking selection process of being a lifelong name obsessive who is only going to get to name two RL kids… and they can’t even have 2 middles because their surname is so long, ha).
But he rejected so many GOOD names. Rosa! Nell! Juliet! Blythe! Casper! He basically listened to all my ramblings and picked ONE name from them he liked each time, and that was that. Decision apparently made. So we have a M@rgot J0sephine and a N@thaniel Fr@nk (N@t) and that’s that. I have no real regrets except M@rgot is becoming wildly more popular in my home country than I might have predicted.
Gosh I just love Margot and Nathaniel together and I especially love Nat as a nickname! I think it’s so refreshing in comparison to Nate (and I like Nate too!) You have great taste!
Ah thank you! Funnily enough I’ve never been a fan of Nate (for us, I like it on other people’s kids!). We do get a couple of people calling him that but it’s pretty rare, I think in the UK we don’t default to Nate in the same way.
GREAT names! I also love the ones your partner vetoed. Mine was bad for that, too. :)
My husband is also like this. He does not care about names at all. He doesn’t like to think about them, talk about them, nada. I make lists and broach the subject occasionally; his two replies are, “no, that’s a terrible name” or “sure, that’s fine if you like it.”
In some ways it’s fun having pretty much all the power, but it’s also a lot of pressure! I have trouble making the final choice, so when I get down to a few names, it would be nice if he would give me his opinion to help tip the scale. But no! He has never felt more strongly about one name v. another.
When I was 8 months pregnant with our son (we didn’t know the sex at the time) I said, “well, I’m going to name him Callum James.” That was when he decided to chime in and say, “not Perry as a middle name?” (after one of his grandpas). I’d been trying to get him to discuss this for months and that was when he chose to have an opinion smh. So we added Perry as a second middle. Now he says that our Callum is definitely a Callum, so he’s glad that’s what I chose.
I’m due with our daughter on 3/30 so we’re currently going through the same thing once again. 🫠
This is so adorably wholesome. Go with the names you chose! They’re absolutely lovely.
Those are lovely names! No need to second-guess them.
I love the girl name tradition and the boy name is cute too!
I like how these names don’t give away the year of your child’s birth, Maggie and Cal could easily be adults’ names.
And don’t worry about your husband, he will have strong opinions about other aspects of parenting, just not this one.
What a blessing! I know it’s hard for us name lovers to believe that names don’t matter that much to some people – a former coworker once even said “it’s just a name”. Run with it and like he said – he’ll veto something if he has a strong reason not to use a name.
My husband and I were the same; I’ve been making baby-name lists since middle school and he said “name them whatever the f— you want”. Don’t feel guilty! Feel lucky – he’s handing you full naming say on a platter and obviously trusts your judgment. Some people just don’t care about names. I named our kids ethnic names from my husband’s culture and he’s happy with them, but he would also be just as happy if I’d named them John, Mary, and David.
Your chosen names are great – Cal is an adorable nickname and I love how Margaret Rose is subtly a two-flower name (since marguerite = daisy). (Also gets my stamp of approval as a fellow Margaret-variant haha).
I wouldn’t be surprised if we all get a little doubtful about our baby’s name choice at some point. Even if you and your spouse picked it out in 1998 and didn’t have your first until 2013. Which we *may’ve* done. lol I worried a bit anyway. Our daughter’s was more easily settled on, though I wondered between Susana or Susan (the latter’s my mother’s actual name) for a bit. That one didn’t go back as far, though, since I wouldn’t have chosen it if my mother hadn’t died a few years before Kerry was born. Young Susan’s middle was the one name my spouse wanted passionately
Both your name choices are solid. Go for it! If your husband hasn’t vetoed either, then assume he’s good with both.
I’ve forgotten a lot about the naming process for our kids, but when we were naming our second, we ultimately settled on two names we both liked to take to the hospital. I THOUGHT my husband preferred one name while I preferred the other. And I didn’t want to push too hard for my preference, because I’d already vetoed many of my husband’s top picks the first time around (and relegated one to our first child’s middle name). Once our baby was born, I knew I definitely preferred the second name for her, but still felt like my husband should get the final say this time. I got lucky in that when I asked “So, should we go with First Name Choice?” he said, “No, let’s go with the other one—what was it again?” Literally, he couldn’t even remember the name, and he chose it over the one I’d assumed he liked best. I have no idea why, and ever since, I’ve felt both minor guilt that I got my way, and as though I dodged a bullet in being passive about my preference but still getting to use it anyway (the First Name Choice turned out to be much more popular in our area than I expected, so I got reminded REGULARLY that it could have been my kid’s name, too). That “dodged a bullet” feeling is by far worse than the guilty one (I realize this is silly, but we’re all on this baby naming blog for a reason). All this to say that you will learn to live with or let go of the guilt when your child has a name you absolutely love and love to use. And your husband will likely genuinely not care, and that’s okay, too.
If your husband has given his blessing for the two names you’ve come up with, congrats, you’re all set! I’d not bring it up very much with him until your baby arrives as Swistle advises or else he might have second thoughts. Instead, find someone trustworthy (for me it was my mom) with whom you can completely geek-out on names. They can be your sounding board and gave you confidence and a helpful perspective that your husband can’t/won’t. Also, it might bring you a little peace of mind to have back-up names ready just in case your original name doesn’t feel quite right. And by the way, the names you’ve selected are beautiful! I’m a little biased though because I have a Calvin.
I have one daughter and my husband really didn’t care about her name. I let him choose from 2 names and we went with the one he liked better. I was actually really happy he didn’t care. I had an ex who said he would never name a child from the 2 names that I liked. I thought “well, I can’t marry you.” It all worked out and I love my daughter’s name.
Wow! I am also a Meg (Megan) and I have a Margaret Rose! She’s 9 and goes by Maggie or Maggie Rose most of the time. I still adore her name (the only thing that bothers me is that I really wanted Margaret Primrose, to be shortened to Maggie Rose, and I’m still bitter I was talked out of it) and it absolutely suits her.
I have the very strong opinion that if something (someone?) comes out of your body, you get final say in naming it. If your husband is indifferent for the most part, feel no guilt. Choose the name you love.
THE CAL ZONE!!
Fabulous update and thank you for sharing this Cal nickname. I am absolutely delighted over here. Congrats Meg and family!!
Mazel tov! And THE CAL ZONE!!!! OMG! I love that so much.