Hi Swistle!
I wrote to you many years ago about choosing a baby name and now I need some help for myself! No need to alter details unless you think it is necessary.
My divorce will be final later this summer and I am struggling. I married in my very early 20s and changed my name, and that marriage only lasted a year and a half. Prior to my second marriage I insisted I would never change my name but in the end my spouse made some very compelling arguments as to why it was more important to him that I change my name then it was to me that I keep it.
For context, I am estranged from my mother, who is my only living parent. My father died when I was in my mid-20s. For further context, my ex came out as transgender and is pursuing transition. We are on extremely good terms and have three children together.
I already know that I do not want to keep my married name. But I don’t want to go back to my maiden name. I likewise feel ambivalent about choosing a random new last name. I wouldn’t say that I am opposed to it but it doesn’t resonate with me fully. I am fairly certain that in the future were I to get married again I would not want to change my name, though I certainly would be happy to go by my spouses last name in social situations. I am done having children so that is no longer a consideration for future marriages.
Like most good 70s babies my middle name is Lynn. For various reasons, I actually changed my Facebook name to be Michelle Lynn years ago. As a joke I commented to my boyfriend that perhaps I would just change my name officially to Michelle Lynn and that actually resonated with me. I’ve been Michelle Lynn my whole life, despite any last name changes, and I like the way it flows.
Here’s where I am looking for some input. Is it weird to have no middle name? Should I add a middle name? It feels so wide-open that I’m not even sure where to start. And, what do you think about the last name? Is it worth picking a new last name that I will hopefully grow into or should I stick with my current plan of dropping the last name and making my middle name my last name?
Thank you for your help if this makes it to the blog! I’d also love to hear from other readers what they may have done or heard about in their travels.
Michelle
Oh, this is so interesting/fun to think about.
Upsides of Michelle Lynn: (1) Both names are your birth names, so there is the “returning to maiden name”/”not carrying any spouse’s name” kind of vibe, while also neatly avoiding your birth surname, which you’re not keen to return to. (2) Lynn is also an established surname. (3) This solution resonates with you.
Downside of Michelle Lynn: I’m familiar with the idea of women using their first/middle as their online/stage pseudonym, and so to me it has a pseudonym feeling. (But again: Lynn IS a real surname, so I think we could disregard that Feeling.)
The “add a middle name or no?” issue is fun because it is so low-stakes: I think you can do exactly as you’d prefer, with no large consequence either way. It’s a little odd/unusual in the U.S. not to have a middle name, but I know at least one person without one, and she hasn’t felt it as a huge lack in her life. For me, the issue would be that it could invite occasional comment, and THAT would lead to a discussion I wouldn’t want to have (“Oh, that’s odd—why didn’t your parents give you one?” “Well, they DID, but…”).
Plus, I’d think it could be QUITE FUN to CHOOSE one! You could choose a name that honors someone (first name or surname of a family member, an artist, an author, a politician, a poet, a scientist, etc.), or you could choose a name with a connection to your kids, or you could choose a surname further back in your family tree, or you could choose a name you WISHED was yours when you were a child (in elementary school I wanted so badly to have been named Stephanie), or or or! So many fun options! But if it seems overwhelming rather than fun, I also think you could skip it entirely.
If you decide you’d rather keep Lynn as your middle and choose a different surname, I think I would start by investigating Positive Family Connections. You are estranged from your mother; are there other relatives you are close to? I’m thinking along the lines of using a beloved grandmother’s maiden name, that kind of thing: any surname that could just as legitimately have been yours, if previous generations had made different decisions about which spouse’s surname to use.
I’ll be very interested to hear what other people think they’d do in this situation, and/or examples we’ve encountered in the field.
Michelle Lynn seems perfect, with or without a middle name.
If it were me, I would pick a middle name that would connect me to my children—not that I think it’s necessary to be connected by name, but I think it would be really fun. For me, I could combine my kids’ names’ first syllables to Luma, or combine other parts of their names to get Macy.
That’s clever!
I’d be working with P, L (but they use A name now), E and J. LOL!
I do love this idea though!
Perhaps Page? It uses P A E and the sound of J. You could also spell it Paje and say it’s a family name, which is certainly true.
Michelle Paje Lynn
I don’t have a middle name and I love it. Keeps everything simple. If I ever have to use a middle initial, I have a default one that’s meaningful to me that I go with. My vote is to go with Michelle Lynn. It has a lovely flow and is meaningful to you.
Ooooh! I love this idea of picking an initial that I love. Much less pressure than a whole name!!!
Actually I know a few people who don’t have a middle name but just have an initial in the middle name spot on their birth certificate. One is named something like Benjamin B. Rosen, the other something like Natalie T. Swenson. Maybe a lot of trouble to go through to add just one letter to your legal name — but if you want to shift Michelle Lynn from feeling like your first+middle to feeling like your first+last, a significant middle initial could be a low stakes route to that.
Considering I have to go through the legal process of a name change (since divorce only lets you go back to your maiden name in my state) I can absolutely do that at the same time! And since I have time to let it marinate I can think about it. I do love it!
Harry S Truman. His parents wanted to honor both grandfathers, who had 2 different names beginning with S
Same! I had a teacher in elementary school whose middle name was just the letter G. As 4th graders, we all thought it was very exotic haha
I think Michelle Lynn is just perfect. I would stick with that, without adding a middle name.
Not having a middle name isn’t strange at all. I know plenty of people who don’t have them, or who may have them but it’s never come up in conversation so I wouldn’t know. If I know a fellow adult’s middle name, it’s only because of particular emphasis they have drawn to it (like including it in a monogram or commenting on what they like/don’t like about it). I would say that I have no idea of the middle names of 95% of my casual acquaintances.
It also seems that you’ve experienced firsthand some of the complications that come with tying name changes to life changes. You changed your name twice for marriage, and then life rolled along as it does, and now you no longer identify with your surname of origin OR either of your married surnames. Is there a chance you’d come to feel that way again about a name chosen during this period of transition?
I think the benefit of Michelle Lynn is that you KNOW it’s “your name” and have a deep history with it. Starting from the drawing board seems risky! (Though, I agree, it could be a lot of fun.)
That is EXACTLY my fear. If I don’t feel attached to names that I SHOULD feel attached to, how am I going to feel with some random last name? Thank you for that perspective and validation!
I’ve known a few people in similar situations, funnily enough, and having to choose a brand new surname does seem far more challenging than choosing a first name, despite the fact that a first name is so much more one’s ‘identity’ – given their experiences I would advise against choosing a new, unfamiliar surname as it seems to prove unsettling for some reason. I personally use my middle name, also an accepted surname, as my surname post-divorce (I do have the added benefit of it being both our daughter ghters’ second middle name) and it feels quite natural as it’s always been part of my name. I’m playing around with new middle names because it’s fun – if one clicks with me so be it, if not no biggie and I may remarry one day and rethink it all again. Remember there’s no urgency to making legal changes. Take your time and sit with your choice; you’ll know when it feels right.
I love this!!! And I love the idea of not worrying so much about the middle and going with just the Lynn for now. Thank you!
I would consider whether inserting a middle name would risk diluting the connection you feel to Michelle Lynn; it’s been the constant, I would be tempted to leave it as it is x
Yes! I commented below – seeing names in between the two didn’t feel right AT ALL. You are spot on!
Being a name nerd, I think if I were in your position, I’d totally choose a meaningful / symbolic middle! Lynn shifting to your surname seems to be so seamless I think it’s a slam dunk for you!
But I don’t think it would be odd not to have a middle name. Some people don’t. Some people up by their middles. Some people have three middles. A Uni friend tasked our friend group with choosing a middle name for her, she’d not been born with one but her parents were open to giving her one of her choice at the age of 20. She wanted a specific initial – A – to make a preferred TAZ. So we had SUCH fun brainstorming with her and she eventually went with Anique. Which is coincidentally the name a family friend chose for herself in adulthood – my uni friend heard this and couldn’t shake it. Long story to say, naming adventures are more common than we think, but I think fun is the key! I love the idea BKB of combining the kids names!
Interesting question, and great advice from Swistle.
I think Michelle Lynn works beautifully. My first association with Lynn as a surname is the Irish doctor, suffragette and nationalist Kathleen Lynn – a very positive connection (we’ve been trying to get a hospital in Ireland named after her for years).
The author Cheryl Strayed came to mind as someone who found herself in a similar situation to you and opted for the “brand new surname” approach. You might like to read her thoughts on becoming “Strayed” if you haven’t already: she writes about it in Wild, and the most relevant excerpt is discussed here: http://www.nancy.cc/2013/09/16/cheryl-strayed-surname/
If it were me, I wouldn’t be able to resist choosing a new middle as well, just for the naming joy.
Best of luck (and, if you get married again, your future partner could consider adopting the excellent surname Lynn if they want to share a name with you!).
Well this clinches it. A suffragette connection with Lynn!!!! I love it!!! And since my maternal family is all Irish, even better.
The writer and podcaster Jane Marie changed her name in the same way you’re considering. I think it’s great! https://www.thehairpin.com/2011/07/im-changing-my-name-again/
I didn’t have a middle name until I changed my name when I got married. It rarely, if ever, came up and most people just said oh, huh, interesting. In my case, my parents had such a hard time agreeing on a first name that they gave up on a middle name. My sister also does not have a middle name for the same reason. They figured we could add one if we wanted.
As a kid, it was fantastic because my full legal name was under 10 characters and filling out the bubbles on a scantron sheet was fast and easy. I always felt sorry for the Elizabeths and Benjamins who had a lot of bubbles but went by Liz or Ben. With FB, I occasionally wish for a more generic middle name so I can do the standard go by first and middle to be harder to find. And I still don’t understand 3 letter monograms and why people worry so much about naming their kid Patty Maria Smith and giving them the initials PMS, since those will show up more as PSM when used as a monogram and when else do initials show up?
When I changed my name, I kept my maiden name as my middle name. This was super helpful as I got used to signing my new name and it helps with establishing identity – Sara Jane Smith is also known as Sara Jane. On the flip side, I have to tell people who I am when I friend them on FB. But that is easy enough to do.
Not having a middle name was just a weird quirk that no one has ever hounded me over. I’d go with Michelle Lynn since that will be more comfortable and familiar and feel like you.
Honestly, it more annoyed me that I never got a scantron that offered more than 8 spaces for a first name than that I don’t have a nickname I might theoretically have used instead.
re: “when else do initials show up?” – this certainly isn’t relevant to everyone, but in all the science labs I have worked in, it is very common to use initials (for labeling whose stuff is whose, for signing off on tasks or records, for reserving calendar slots, etc). It’s so prevalent that in some labs it became more common than writing people’s names (like, emails would say stuff like, “I asked NN about that, and…”) Often it was just two initials, but whenever there were duplicates people would use middle initials too.
Michelle Lynn sounds lovely! If it helps, the Social Security Administration doesn’t consider middle name part of your legal name: see https://secure.ssa.gov/poms.nsf/lnx/0110212001#:~:text=Middle%20name%20and%20suffix,number%20Card)%20does%20not%20matter.
So if you can think of one that you love, go for it! If you don’t, that’s cool too! You could make your current last name your middle to keep the connection to your spouse and kids if you like that, or an historical family name, or a word/name you think is fun and/or inspirational.
I love Michelle Lynn for you. As another commenter said, I would consider if adding a middle name feels right or dilutes “Michelle Lynn” for you. I have chosen a religious name as an adult (my Hebrew name) and that was both fun and stressful. If picking a middle name swings more “stressful” than “fun,” skip it! If it’s way over on the “fun” side of things, I can think of a million inspirations: birth flower, favorite characters from books, inspirational trailblazers (Ruth, anyone?), something meaningful to your kids, a favorite location, etc.
Michelle Lynn reporting it – oddly enough, I TOO got to pick my Hebrew name when I converted years ago! But it felt ‘easier’ because I knew who I wanted to honor and it narrowed down my choices. <3
You’ve said elsewhere that putting something between Michelle and Lynn feels odd to you, and if you continue to feel that way, definitely stick with that. But what about your Hebrew name as a middle? (Or a last name for that matter, if it happens to work there, though I think I like the idea of Lynn more since you already go by that in some contexts.) I’m Catholic and so chose a confirmation name, and if I for whatever reason had to choose a new middle name it would definitely be that, because it already feels like “mine.”
I would go with Michelle Lynn. It appears to hit all the notes and doesn’t sound contrived.
I wish that I had changed my name when I had the opportunity so I feel invested in this now :)
Thank you for this! I am really leaning hard towards it. <3
I think Michelle Lynn is perfect. Personally, I’d pick a middle name for myself just because it’d be an excuse to play with names. I think I’d lean towards something exotic/unusual/fun just because I could. But no middle name is a perfectly legit option.
I love Michelle Lynn for you. My mom doesn’t have a middle name, and has never felt the lack
In a similar situation, my Mum almost picked the new last name “Heaney”. It is on our family tree from way back, and she liked the connection to the poet (Seamus). In the end though, she stuck with her married name as she wanted the same last name as us, her kids.
I love Michelle Lynn for you.
I know a couple that changed their surname to the place they got married ‘Wellington’. What about your place of birth? Mine isn’t great as a surname but the local river is called ‘Bremer’, which I quite like.
Michelle Lynn works nicely. I know 3 people who weren’t given a middle name at birth. 2 (siblings) were given the option to pick their own for a 13th birthday present. I know the elder, my sister’s bff, did. The third, an uncle of mine, hasn’t bothered.
That’s not to say if a particular name calls to you, middle or sur, you shouldn’t go for it. You should! A friend of mine changed all 3 of her names. (Given the circumstances, I’d probably do it too). Dunno where her surname comes from, since she picked that long ago, but I do know she tried out several first & middle informally before she settled on 2, one a character from a favorite book series and the other in honor of a certain Supreme Court justice she admires. I’d either go her road (book characters or admirable people) or pick names I just think are really pretty.
I love the idea of using your middle name as a surname. It get that it feels more “you” than any last name you’ve had.
But since it is so short, I would add another middle.
Maybe a significant place for you? Or a family name from someone you deeply care about?
Or just get creative and choose something you like. I mean, it’s a middle name, it ends up being just for you to know. The sky is the limit so:
Michelle Naomi Lynn
Michelle Fiona Lynn
Michelle Rosemary Lynn
Michelle Alicia Lynn
Michelle Clarissa Lynn
Michelle Margot Lynn
Michelle Phillipa Lynn
Michelle Juliette Lynn
Do you know what? I had never sat down and looked at what Michelle [MIDDLE NAME] Lynn would look like, and having seen you write some options out gave me the hardest “NO!” immediate gut reaction. All of those names are lovely! But seeing it in between the Michelle and Lynn was somehow a weird kick that hadn’t happened yet!!!
Thank you!
I have no middle name and no one in 49 years has ever commented it.
Michelle Lynn is perfect. I think many middle names are chosen as honorifics for special people and really no other compelling reason. My friend’s new granddaughter was given a letter for a middle name, as in Junie B. Jones. The parents say she is free to decide what if any meaning to give to it.
What about a last name or middle name that signifies your aspirations in life? Michelle Lynn Heart, Michelle Bliss, Michelle Peace, Dove, Peachy, Aces, Hilt (like to the hilt), Grand, Faith, Traveler, etc etc
Who do you want to be? Can you make that a name! ?
My partner’s mom had somewhat of a similar situation – she divorced my partner’s dad and did not want to keep that last name and she also had no connection or desire to go back to her maiden name. She ended up using my partner’s first name as her last name – think Edward (partner’s name) which became her last name – Edwards.
One thing I would caution is that it made my partner uncomfortable at times. At first, he was very embarassed about it and now it’s more of an eye roll-y story he tells. But he does not have warm and fuzzy feelings about the name to change to his first name.