Hi Swistle,
Thank you so much for reading this letter! I’m due with my third and last child in May and am feeling utterly lost in picking a girl’s name! Our last name sounds like Crepsky. I wrote to you when I was expecting our second child and of course, you were a huge help!
My husband and I seem to want to choose names that: 1.) have significance to us (family name or notable person), 2.) are uncommon, 3.) we both like the sound of it, and 4.) can be pronounced easily in Spanish (and French if possible) because of our family backgrounds.
Our first two children’s names fit all four criteria. Ayrton is named after the Brazilian F1 driver and philanthropist who both my husband and I were big fans of growing up. Elia is named after my husband’s maternal grandmother in Chile. They both have two middle names that honour family or friends.
There are three frontrunner boy names at this point: Rafael (after the tennis player – we are huge fans), Matias (after my brother Matthew) and Alvaro (after my husband’s favourite uncle). These names are more common than Ayrton and Elia, but I think any would work well since they hold significance, are easily pronounced in Spanish, and I love the sound of them! Middle names will likely be Christopher and Adam after family members.
The problem is that we can’t seem to find even one girl’s name we like that fits three or four of our criteria. I’ve been reading your site long enough to pick up on the fact that as you have more children, you may need to relax on certain criteria but I’m having trouble weighing out what to let go of. For middle names we will choose my MIL’s name (Cecilia) and either Marie or my maiden name, Darby.
Two girls names we’ve considered are Matea (after my brother) or Ximena (after my husband’s aunt). But I don’t love the sound of Matea and I feel that Ximena is so very Spanish that it could be considered in bad taste giving her that name if she doesn’t indeed speak Spanish. Neither of these names feel right.
Two other names we like so far are Louisa and Alma. Luisa fits the language component but not the other criteria. Alma is uncommon and will work well with Spanish speakers. Still, I don’t love the sound of either of the two names as much as our first two children and neither have any significance or history for us which makes it feel like something big is missing.
I really like the sound of the name Marie (my mother’s middle name) but it’s neither Spanish-adjacent nor uncommon. I also can’t use the name Maria so that’s out. My husband likes Vera and Matilda but those don’t fit the significance, Spanish-sounding or uncommon criteria!
Any advice about how to think about these competing variables for a girl’s name – and what would sound best with the names Ayrton and Elia – would be so appreciated!
Sincerely,
Heather
Obviously none of us will be able to add names that would have personal significance. And while some of us will be able to evaluate whether certain names work in Spanish and French, that’s not an area where I have any knowledge. But the real question here is “How do you figure out which preferences to let go of?” And that’s a question I think all of us can help answer.
I think for me the answer is to get rid of the preferences that are (1) least important and (2) most responsible for ruling out names I love. Well, but that’s the easy answer, isn’t it? If it were that easy, you wouldn’t be writing. What tends to happen is that the MOST important preferences are the ones ruling out the most names—and that cutting the least important preferences doesn’t help bring enough names back into the running to justify the loss of the preference.
And so my secondary answer is that modifying preferences to work with naming reality can be really hard to do, and that what I’ve personally found most helpful is to realize I’m making deliberate trades/choices. That is, it can be tempting to spiral, to think “My preferences rule out all the names except the ones I don’t like!!” and feel completely stuck. It can be calming to remember that I am CHOOSING those preferences and ALLOWING them to rule out names, and that I can UNCHOOSE and UNALLOW at any time. Even if I DON’T unchoose/unallow, it helps settle me to know I COULD. And it helps me to see it as a TRADE: I am TRADING a degree of name-love, in exchange for getting an honor name; I am TRADING a degree of popularity, in exchange for getting a degree of name-love—or whatever.
It can also help to remember that it is absolutely fine and normal to have one set of preferences for some children, and change those preferences for other children, and that society at large is not noticing/caring. Think of all the families that have naming traditions for the firstborn, or for the firstborn and secondborn, but not for subsequent children. Or all the families that want to use ALL honor names, but unfortunately run out of honor names after the first few kids. Or all the families that start with matching initials, but soon run out of names they like.
Anyway, to get back to my point, what I find useful is realizing that if I want my most important preferences, I may have to TRADE other preferences to get them. (“Trading” a preference feels less dire than “giving up” a preference.) I could easily be wrong, but it sounds to me from your letter that your most important preference is that the name have personal significance to you. To get that preference, you may need to trade a less important preference—for example, that it be a name you love, or that it be a very unusual name, or that it work well in Spanish.
Or perhaps it will turn out there just aren’t any more girl names of sufficient personal significance to be worth making that trade. Names of Personal Significance isn’t a very flexible category: as with honor names, we each have our own batch of them and we can’t readily add or subtract names—we’re kind of stuck with what we’ve got (and even more so when the names have to have Personal Significance for TWO people). It’s always a little sad when parents would really love to use honor names but run out of them before they run out of babies, but it’s such a very understandable situation and it might be what’s happening here. In that case you might be very sad to let go of that preference, but maybe it’s a preference that’s working against your purpose at this point: i.e., if there are only a couple of Significant Girl Names in the barrel, and both of those names require you to give up ALL your other preferences, then maybe it’s not worth it—even though it may have been your most important preference to begin with.
It is also possible to RELAX a preference rather than eliminating it. For example, your preference for Very Unusual Names. You mention that Louisa doesn’t meet that preference, but according to the Social Security Administration, it was the #683rd most popular girl name in the United States in 2019; that makes it a very uncommon name. It’s not as uncommon as Elia or Ayrton, but it’s still Really Quite Uncommon. Vera and Matilda are more common (Vera was #252 and Matilda was #447)—but still Pretty Uncommon. If you could relax that preference from Extremely Uncommon to Quite Uncommon, you could open up a whole new field of options. Or possibly that WON’T work, and the only way to get Quite Uncommon names will be to relax the preference for them to work well in Spanish. It seems likely that the subset of names that work well in English and Spanish might be names that are much more common in your circle than they are nationally.
Something you have very likely considered already and rejected: could you use your maiden name as a first name instead of as a middle? The name Darby is not currently in the Top 1000 in the United States. Its usage is right between Ayrton and Elia. I don’t know if it meets the language requirements, but perhaps that could be the preference that gets ditched for the third baby, or perhaps she could be called a nickname that works with the other languages. Darby Cecilia Marie Crepsky; Ayrton, Elia, and Darby.
I am hoping lots of others will now tell stories of how THEY decided which preferences were most important, which preferences needed to be eliminated, which preferences needed to be relaxed, which preferences were worth trading, etc.
Name update:
Hi Swistle!
Excited to send in my name update. Thank you so much to you and your commenters for all of your/their input! We had a baby girl on May 16th. Your response freed us from feeling tied to all four of our criteria. We decided to let go of the significance/family connection criteria and it opened up a new list of possibilities. So, we scanned baby name books, made new lists, and went to the hospital with four possibilities. Once she was here it seemed clear to me which of the four suits her and fits the best with her sibling’s names. Introducing: Amaya Marie Cecilia Crepsky (7lbs13oz).
If you like Alma, would you like Alvara or Alva? Or would Alma feel similar enough to Alvaro to have family significance?
Also…if your husband has a grandmother living in Chile, and a favorite uncle named Alvaro, I would think Ximena isn’t exactly off limits. It’s not like this is cultural heritage you’re claiming based on a DNA test. The U.S. is going to be full of kids with Spanish names who don’t speak Spanish in this coming generation.
We really struggled naming our 3rd child too, a girl after 2 boys. our ONLY girl choice that we both loved became a non-option. And we just could not come to an agreement on another option. We realized our naming style was: 1) family name/honor names 2) classic/timeless 3) not too trendy/ideally not too popular currently but recognizable 4) 2 syllables, possibly 3 5)flows well with last name
Finally, at 2 days old, we dropped our multi syllable criteria and named her Jane (which fit the other criteria)
Absolutely NO regrets. I can’t believe how much I love this name that I thought was too plain and too short to say. I can’t believe how much I agonized over her name! Best of luck- I have been there! I do think you have some really beautiful options. I especially love Louisa Cecelia Marie Crepsky!
We dropped the popularity requirement in order to keep Elegant, Historic, Feminine, Powerful, and Saintly plus Liking The Name and Feeling It Fit This Baby. Our first is Hilaria, our second Katherine. To go from “…how do you spell that?” to “oh! My ____ is a Katherine!” is a BIG change. But the look of delight upon hearing them introduced has stayed the same.
My two cents feels like such a minor comment in the bigger picture but I am currently stuck under two cats so I have time to type this out anyway: my personal experience/interpretation would be that Marie was common a generation or two ago as middle names – it was my middle name (I was born in 1981) as well as several classmates, I remember joyfully discovering in first grade. I don’t think Marie is particularly common NOW, (not looking up data at the moment), (perhaps as a middle name choice either). I think finding a baby Marie now would be the most fresh, delightful, adorable thing!!!!
Oh yes, I did in fact meet a baby Marie and was DELIGHTED.
If you’re tennis fans, how about Serena in honor of Serena Williams? Serena works well in Spanish, and while I wouldn’t call it uncommon, I wouldn’t call it popular either. It’s a little hissy with Cecilia, but you could put Marie in between to break them up: Serena Marie Cecilia. Or maybe look for other female athletes you admire if family names aren’t working.
I also really like Marie Cecilia Darby. Of your preferences, I think the “works well in Spanish” is the easiest to drop. After all, Ayrton isn’t a Spanish name either, and you also mentioned liking the idea of a name that worked in French, too, which Marie does.
I was thinking you could maybe drop the requirement of having a family/person significant first name, since your two middle names are meaningful. Saying, I loved your name + you have family middle names does make it a significant and meaningful full name. That might open up many more options. Or, like the previous poster you could look up actors/writers/athletes/activists/scientist’s that you admire.
I agree that Marie would be a delightfully rare first name today.
Marie Cecilia Matea Crepsky.
Marie is not an extremely common first name today. (ranked 649 in 2019) — known, but not overly popular.
And if you’re choosing honor names, think of how pleased your mother will be. Marie is the French form of Mary and very close to the Spanish Maria, so it works with each of those languages.
Cecilia to honor your husband’s mother.
Matea to honor you brother.
Sounds perfect, meaningful to you and your husband, and works in English, Spanish and French.
(PS My husband and I have 4 daughters, and oh, how I wish we had named one after my mother. Her name was out of style — Edna Millie, so I didn’t consider it. But after our family was complete, I noticed that my mother’s names could be blended into Emilie, which I like very much, especially as a middle name. I wish I had thought of that when naming one of our daughters. I know any mom would have been delighted to have a granddaughter share her name — or a strong connection to her name, like Emilie — either as a first or middle name. That has been my experience: my first granddaughter and I share a middle name, and that’s always been very special to each of us.)
I can spot several names on your letter that I think fit all your criteria:
Ximena – Spanish, uncommon, family name and you didn’t say you dislike the name. If Ximena is too Spanish, you can go with just Mena
Darby – it’s not Spanish but it’s pronounceable by Spanish-speaking people (just like Ayrton), it’s a family name and uncommon. And Darby Cecilia sounds adorable!
Rafaella – if Rafael fits all your preferences for a boy, why not Rafaella?
Matilda – in Spanish there is Matilde, which is not very different sound-wise, so I think it could work. And it’s not very common
Other ideas:
Nadal – for Rafael Nadal, very uncommon but recognizeable, and of course Spanish-speaking family members will be able to pronounce it!
Nuria – I’m hoping that there is some personal significance to this name, because it’s so uncommon, Spanish and I think it sounds great as a sister to Elia (also Elia means “sun” and Nuria means “light” so they complement each other)
Veronica – this is a compromise name, because it’s less common than Vera and allows for her to be called Vera by you and Vero by her Spanish-speaking family members (traditional nn for Veronica in Spanish)
Susanna – very uncommon, but exists in both languages
Rita – also very uncommon and weareable in both languages
As for which preference to drop, I think it should be popularity, just because it’s so volatile, it’s not a reliable factor.
Personal significance is a solid preference, because it’s enduring. Spanish or not Spanish is also a reliable factor.
Liking the sound might change over time, but once you have a child in your arms, few people fall out of love with a name.
So popularity is the one preference that can be dropped.
Besides, Elia is uncommon but, in the end, it sounds like very common names, like Ella and Ellie, so it doesn’t feel that unheard of.
I think Marie would get far more surprised reactions than Elia, really.
I thought for sure that the most important preference for naming our daughter would be “honor name” and the less important preference would be “we both LOVE the name,” but it turns out that loving the name was more important to both of us.
This may be a very long shot, but it looks like the scientific name for “Heather” is Calluna vulgaris… and Calluna, to my ear, is lovely. It would be unusual and meaningful (since it would honor you) but I am not sure about its pronounceability in Spanish (seems like it would be fine in French).
Calluna Cecilia Marie. Calluna Crepsky. Ayrton, Elia, and Calluna.
Congratulations on your new addition!
Maybe you have tried this already, but if there are names that you like that meet the other criteria but not the personal significance, type it into google and try to find someone with that name who you admire. I certainly found that once I had chosen my sons’ names (which are uncommon) I notice them when we encounter them on notable people, and although it wasn’t a factor when choosing the name I am glad they share their name with that person who I didn’t know about before.
I have often a noticed a shift in popularity of a name for the 3rd child of a family, and I find it to be an charming change of gears regardless of which direction it goes. When I hear of two kids with unique names followed by a less “rare” but compatible sibling name it always makes me think of how much the parents must love the third name to pull back and use it anyways. Two kids with common names followed by a noticeably more unusual 3rd child also makes me think they got brave enough to use the name they love.
This got a bit rambly, and maybe not that helpful but I think you have some great names on your list that will fit into your family regardless.
Yes, I totally see what you’re saying and believe it holds true for my family of origin!! First 2 children were given names to honor grandparents, etc., and by the 3rd child it seems my parents got tired of listening to other people’s opinions and just picked what they liked best (in this case, my dad’s favorite girl name that had been in the running every time but never used!)
I know many people with Marie as a middle name (particularly my age – I was born in 1982), but I have not encountered a single Marie. It’s delightful and fresh.
How about making Cecilia the first name? It checks all the boxes (personal significance, recognition across languages, not particularly common).
Cecilia Marie Crepsky sounds great!
If Cecilia sounds too much like sibling Elia, you could always use a nickname like Ceci.
You could also expand the definition of “personal significance” beyond the names of people you admire. Names could also honor places, moments, or experiences that you and your husband have shared. (For instance, my husband and I once lived in an apartment that overlooked a beautiful wall covered in ivy, and I always thought I might use the name Ivy for a girl, in reference to that time in our lives.)
Good luck!
I thought about suggesting that, too, but I think Elia and Cecilia would be too similar.
What about Mari – pronounced like Mahr – ee.
I came to the comments to suggest this, too! :)
Yes, this was going to be my suggestion, too! Mari seems to fit all the requirements!
Came to suggest the same thing. Or Maria Teresa “Maite” (reminiscent of Matea) Cecilia.
We needed names that would work in Spanish and English, and compromised with names that have an English and a Spanish version, even if not exactly the same. Rosemary goes by Rosita to all of her Chilean family. It’s not a huge deal to me (and Rosemary combined Rosalia and Mary to give us two honor names in one), and she feels special having an “extra” name. Though it may not give you the personal significance piece you are interested in, the Bible can be a good reference for names that work well in multiple cultures/different language versions of some common names (and some uncommon names, too!).
We have done this with my daughters too! They are called one thing in English and another in Catalan (dad’s language). I can really see this working with Marie for the writer’s family. The Spanish family can always use a Mari-derivation.
I would argue that Marie is Spanish-adjacent insomuch as it’s a recognizable variant of a name that exists in multiple languages including Spanish. Maybe Spanish relatives would pronounce it closer to Maria – would that be a deal-breaker? I think Ayrton, Elia, and Marie is a great sibset.
You’ve probably already thought of this, but Mariana? A nod to your mom and still works in Spanish (not sure about French). If Mariana doesn’t work, could you find an honor name with the same meaning as a person whose name you liked? So for Mateo, meaning gift of god, perhaps you like Teodora? Teodora nicknamed Tora/Thora would be so sweet with Elia! Also, I think Sonia for Sonia Sotomayor would be a nice pick. But this will perhaps depend on your politics, so I will leave it at that.
Is Marie-Something a possibility? Certainly more unusual than just Marie in the US (ssa.gov) and you could still call her “Marie” .
Marie-Louisa (my actual name is Luísa and Lua is a nickname; pretty unusual).
Marie-Darby
Darby-Marie
Marie-Matthew
Marie-Something Spanish? Marie-Matea, Marie-Ximena, Marie-Alma, Marie-Angelica, Marie-Amada, Marie-Soledad (Sol), Marie-Celestina…
Others: Mireia, Bibiana.
I love the name Alma. It is likely the name we will choose for our daughter who is due next week. It is very unusual in North America, but is very well-known and popular internationally and has a feeling of holding a long history. It means “soul” in Spanish and “nourishing” in another language (forget which one. *Baby brain*). I think it sounds and looks beautiful with your other kids names – esp Elia and Alma 🥰.
Alma Cecilia Marie – I think you are done!
I also love Mateo Christopher Adam! You have lots of beautiful choices, it might help to just sit with them a while and let them sink in. Good luck!
You know your Spanish speaking extended family, as well as any French speakers, better that I do. But I can’t imagine the people I know having trouble with Marie, with Vera, or with Matilda. Vera especially would go over well in my neck of the woods. But honestly, I think Darby is the best fit, haha. It would be adorable, an honor, and
To decide which part of your checklist to loosen up, I would start by writing down every requirement, and seeing why you chose them. Ones like “can easily be pronounced by our family” are there because of practical reasons. “We both love the name” is more emotional. What is the logic for the rule, and how flexible can you make it before it’s just gone?
I love Rafaella & Mattea!! Mattea, nn Tea, was on my girl name list.
Other suggestions:
Mari
Mariella
Marienela
Marie-Elena
Maritza
Mira
Mirabel
Lucia
Xiomara
Xanthe
Mirabel is brilliant. Pronunciation is the exact same one both languages.
My personal opinion for my own family is that preferences that will impact the person who has the name take precedence over preferences that impact the parent. So (for example) I would prioritise my wish that the name be intuitively spelt (which impacts the life of the future adult) is more important than my wish that all my children’s names start with the letter P (which is more about my experience of naming but won’t have much impact on the future adult). So in that hypothetical example if I couldn’t find a name to fit both preferences I would prioritise my preference for the spelling. (I’m not saying all names should be easy to spell this is just an example).
So from this list I personally would prioritise pronunciation issues over sib-set popularity. They are both pleasing to get right but one has more long term impact than the other.
That’s a really good rule, even if it’s just the first step in testing out any rules you might want to drop.
I think a lot of these preferences could be stretched rather than dropped.
“Significant/family name/notable person” could be stretched to include name variations, nature names, or anything that has a good story to go with it (ie, “We named her Flora, partly because of Florence Nightingale, and because her grandma was a notable gardener.”) Yes, it becomes more of a stretch, but that way this baby gets a special name story just like the siblings. Maybe you could find a good story to go with Alma?
“Uncommon” could stretch in a lot of ways– for example, relatively familiar names with a very uncommon nickname (“Veronica, but we call her Ricca”). To my ear, Vera and Matilda are uncommon enough that they don’t clash excessively with the sibling names. If that turns out to be the only issue, maybe go with it and consider finding a really unique middle name?
“We like the sound” is harder to stretch, but I will note that we sometimes come around to a name as we hear it more often, and it’s common to fall more in love with a name after you give it to a snuggly little baby. So a name that ticks a lot of boxes but doesn’t make your heart sing might be worth keeping on the list all the way to the hospital, just in case it starts to click. Maybe this could happen with Matea?
“Spanish/French pronunciation” could include short names with easy sounds (eg, Maya), or be accommodated with a nickname, or by using a related “English name”/”Spanish name” pair (I’m not very familiar with Spanish names, but I’m imagining a baby Beatrice being called Batya by her Jewish grandparents). Maybe something like Mona/Ximena?
I guess I feel like if you focus on looking for names you want to try to use, you might be able to wiggle yourself into a place where one of them feels perfect without ditching any of your preferences upfront.
We only have two children, but like you we found ourselves with a naming knot to untangle. I am English. My husband is American, but has Italian citizenship and is Jewish on his dad’s side with a very Germanic surname. Our kids are double-barrelled. We live in the UK – so we needed a name that worked in Britain, the US, Italy and with a Germanic last name. Additionally, there’s a very strong honour initial thing going on in my husband’s family, but we had quite a small pool of people we actually wanted to honour!
With my daughter it was fine. I threw out a list of names I liked, he picked one that matched his grandad’s inital. She’s M@rgot J0sephine – the name is French but used in Italy, tick. Honour initial, tick. Used in both the US and UK, tick. Works with mad surname, tick. Her middle name is after Jo March, tick tick tick. My naming mental image was kind of 20th century trans-European intelligentsia ;)
But oh man, with my son it all came unstuck. Boys names are hard! We just couldn’t find one that filled all the criteria that I actually liked enough to use. In the end, we picked N@thaniel Fr@nk. His middle name is after my grandad and lots of his uncles and great uncles who were Francescos. Tick. His first name is derived from Hebrew, and Nataniel/Nathan fit with his Jewish heritage, but Nathaniel was also very common historically in the area I’ve England I come from. Tick. We love the actual name and the nickname we use, Nat. Tick. Nathaniel and Josephine have a really nice literary commonality thanks to Nathaniel Hawthorne. Tick. BUT: it’s not an honour initial. And Nathaniel is much longer than we ideally wanted with our hefty surname. We figured that as we’ll mainly call him Nat, that’s a trade we’re willing to make. And after he was born and we announced his name, my FIL told me that his Austrian great-grandfather was in fact called Nathan! So I guess our naming logic was at least spot on.
Sorry, that is literally an essay. In short: pick the name that makes your heart beat a little bit faster, everything else falls into place.
I vote Rafaela for a girl. You could still call her Rafa, which would make the honour to Nadal pretty clear.
I also think Marie would be lovely. “Works in Spanish” is kind of in the eye of the beholder I think. I never would have considered that Ayrton works in Spanish, and if it does it’s probably because of the Brazilian celebrity I’m guessing. Whereas Marie is so classic and international a name that I can’t imagine it not working in Spanish. The Spanish speaking family could always use a diminutive like Marieta (which pleasingly, where I live in Spain, means ladybird).
I know a young lady named Darby after her mom’s maiden name- it’s a great choice.
Instead of Alma, what about Alba?
Lastly you have these great middle names that check all the boxes, promote them to first!
I think you have all the components. Cecilia Darby Marie would be perfect.
What about Matisse to honour Matthew?
We didn’t want a name with potebtially problematic initials or repeated initials, that honored my grandmother with the middle name, and was easy and intuitive to say and spell.
My favorite name broke all the first name rules. We still honored my grandmother, but her first and middle start with the same letter, her initials COULD be seen as negative (though I’ve yet to have anyone pick up on it so it might truly be a non-issue) and, apparently, no one can spell it correctly despite the fact that we used the most common, widely known version by far–no other variations are even charted.
But you know what? It’s perfect. It was my favorite. It works. I get compliments all the time. It is HER. Being a name lover, it actually took me a while to get over the broken rules, but I’m glad I chose what I did. Just use what you love!
I’m currently pregnant with number four, and our popularity is 600s to out of the Top 1000 to 19 born the year number three was born. And number four seems to be going to have a Top 50 name. But reading through this post & all the comments are encouraging. The only box it doesn’t check is popularity, so even if it breaks the rule, I think it’s going to be worth it.