Oh, man, I love how this answer was laid out! My husband’s family sounds very similar to the man’s family in the letter. I’ve regretted changing my last name since just about the minute I did it and now that we’re over a dozen years into our marriage with several kids in the mix my husband agrees it would have been best if he had switched to my last name and given it to the kids as well. Alas, the kids are not interested in changing at this point. My remedy for this is to think of it as only the last name of my children, whom I obviously adore, and not as the last name of my husband’s toxic family. I’m definitely already talking up non-traditional naming solutions with my own kiddos so they hopefully won’t just go default and then regret it.
That was an excellent post and I want to add my story because I know you will appreciate it Swistle.
I have always felt very connected to my heritage through my name and it was very important for me to keep it and for the name to be passed on. When I met my future husband I laid it out like this, “any future children will have my name, it’s up to you if you want to share it”. He choose to take my name and you would not believe the s**t he got because of it. When he submitted the paperwork to change his name at work, the hr rep refused to do it until their boss happened to walk by and made them. His paternal grandparents dropped him from their will. At another job, when his coworkers found out he had taken my name they kept teasing him about being the woman in the relationship. These are the same coworkers who couldn’t believe he took TWO weeks off when our child was born – a c-section that left me partially paralyzed and unable to walk without assistance. (As an aside, our lack of paid parental leave in this country sucks.) However, now going on over a decade later, it’s less of an issue, and the grandchild got him put back in the will as she does have his bachelor name as her second middle.
Just noting that there’s an option missing (not the right one for the family in the post, but an option nonetheless!): parents keep their names; alternate last names of children (further option to use parents’ surnames as alternating middle names too). This is what we have done. Sometimes it feels like a big old jumble. But we’re kind of a big old jumble of a family, and I like that the kids all have both names without a hyphen and without one of the names taking priority over another.
I knew of a lesbian couple in a similar situation– one accepting family, one rejecting family. The couple and their two kids all have the accepting family’s last name.
Back in the 80s I knew a heterosexual married couple who both had a surname they made up by combining their original surnames into a new (non-hyphenated) name.
Haha, I read it earlier and immediately thought of you
Oh, man, I love how this answer was laid out! My husband’s family sounds very similar to the man’s family in the letter. I’ve regretted changing my last name since just about the minute I did it and now that we’re over a dozen years into our marriage with several kids in the mix my husband agrees it would have been best if he had switched to my last name and given it to the kids as well. Alas, the kids are not interested in changing at this point. My remedy for this is to think of it as only the last name of my children, whom I obviously adore, and not as the last name of my husband’s toxic family. I’m definitely already talking up non-traditional naming solutions with my own kiddos so they hopefully won’t just go default and then regret it.
That was an excellent post and I want to add my story because I know you will appreciate it Swistle.
I have always felt very connected to my heritage through my name and it was very important for me to keep it and for the name to be passed on. When I met my future husband I laid it out like this, “any future children will have my name, it’s up to you if you want to share it”. He choose to take my name and you would not believe the s**t he got because of it. When he submitted the paperwork to change his name at work, the hr rep refused to do it until their boss happened to walk by and made them. His paternal grandparents dropped him from their will. At another job, when his coworkers found out he had taken my name they kept teasing him about being the woman in the relationship. These are the same coworkers who couldn’t believe he took TWO weeks off when our child was born – a c-section that left me partially paralyzed and unable to walk without assistance. (As an aside, our lack of paid parental leave in this country sucks.) However, now going on over a decade later, it’s less of an issue, and the grandchild got him put back in the will as she does have his bachelor name as her second middle.
I did indeed enjoy this whole story, and then “bachelor name” was a bonus treat!
Just noting that there’s an option missing (not the right one for the family in the post, but an option nonetheless!): parents keep their names; alternate last names of children (further option to use parents’ surnames as alternating middle names too). This is what we have done. Sometimes it feels like a big old jumble. But we’re kind of a big old jumble of a family, and I like that the kids all have both names without a hyphen and without one of the names taking priority over another.
I knew of a lesbian couple in a similar situation– one accepting family, one rejecting family. The couple and their two kids all have the accepting family’s last name.
Back in the 80s I knew a heterosexual married couple who both had a surname they made up by combining their original surnames into a new (non-hyphenated) name.