Dear Swistle:
I am writing for help with the naming of our second and last baby, a girl who’s due at the end of August. Obviously having a baby right now is full of scary uncertainties, so I have been focusing as much of my attention as possible on the fun things like decorating her room and choosing a name. Unfortunately, the name thing has become less fun!
Here is our situation. The surname is Hyatt but spelled an alternate way. My husband is Justin and I’m Jennifer (so we are intentionally avoiding J names). We already have a 3-year-old whose name is Perry Jennifer. Perry name is an honor name, it was my husband’s late mother’s maiden name. So for this baby, we want to do something similar, and use a family name from each side, in reverse (a first name from my side, a middle name from his side). For the middle name, we are probably going to use Naomi, which is the name of my husband’s grandmother (and the only living great-grandparent to our kids).
Here is our problem. For her first name, I want to use my maiden name, which is Lilly. Spelled just like that. I think Perry and Lilly makes for a pretty badass pair. I like the symmetry between the two names. And I think that spelling it “Lilly” ties it legitimately to my side of the family, which is traceable for several generations both in the United States and in the UK.
My husband thinks this spelling is confusing. He likes the idea of honoring my side of the family, but wants to spell it Lily to make it more recognizable. To me, this dilutes all the appeal of the name. There are a million Lilys. My name was often misspelled growing up (my family still experiences this) and I think I would feel resentful of having a daughter called by the most common misspelling.
We are at gridlock over this. I think we could commit to this being the name, if we could commit to the spelling. I really, really want to talk my husband into my preferred spelling. I think I would be very unhappy with the “compromise” of using the other spelling, which for me would make it a different name entirely. What do you think? Am I just being a crazy preggo, and unable to see that Lily works fine as an alternative to Lilly? Or does my husband need to give me my way on this since honoring a surname includes honoring its spelling?
Thank you!!
Sincerely,
Jenn
Perhaps this exercise would be helpful. Your first child’s name is Perry, which was your husband’s mother’s maiden name. Imagine if you had preferred the spelling Perri, and thought it seemed more feminine and less confusing. Does your husband think changing the spelling of that honor name to meet your preference would have been a good compromise? or does he think that would have been a pretty radical change, requiring a more significant justification than mere preference?
Or what about his own surname: I find the alternate spelling you provided to be less confusing and more recognizable than the actual spelling. What does he think of the idea of using that alternate spelling for his kids’ names, just to make things easier? Would he consider himself to have “gotten his own way” on the spelling of the surname, if you had preferred the other spelling, or would he have considered THE WAY IT WAS ACTUALLY SPELLED to be the default, and anything else to be a pretty radical change requiring a more significant justification than mere preference?
Sometimes a respelling of an honor name can be appropriate. There have been times I have recommended it, even STRONGLY recommended it. But in this case? In a country where we have managed to deal with Sara and Sarah, Allen and Alan, Anne and Ann, Aidan and Aiden, Elliot and Eliot and Elliott, Philip and Phillip, Scarlet and Scarlett, Miles and Myles, Zoe and Zoey, Allison and Alison, Brian and Bryan, Michele and Michelle, Louis and Lewis, Katherine and Catherine, Sean and Shawn, Steven and Stephen, Margo and Margot, Mark and Marc? We can easily deal with Lily/Lilly.
And in fact we have LONG BEEN dealing with Lily/Lilly. The online Social Security information starts in 1900, and both Lily and Lilly were in use then: the spelling Lily was the #292nd most popular name in the United States, and the spelling Lilly was a little more common at #264. The downloadable Social Security information goes back to 1880, and again we see both spellings: the spelling Lily given to 41 new baby girls, and the spelling Lilly to 64 new baby girls. This is not some new thing you made up, or some weird new unfamiliar spelling you’re suggesting: it is an established way to spell the name in this country, and for awhile was the more common spelling.
If this were not a family name, and the two of you could not decide between Lily or Lilly, I would not be able to come down on one side or the other: I would say it was a matter of personal preference, and that you might have to find another way to come to a decision, such as one parent getting their choice of spelling and the other getting more say in the middle name. But in this case, the name you want to use is not Lily/Lilly, where each parent has an equal vote about what The Better Spelling is, but rather YOUR FAMILY SURNAME, which IS SPELLED LILLY.
In short, although I do sometimes think it’s reasonable to change the spelling of an honor name, in this case I don’t see any good reason for it. The spelling Lilly is established and familiar. Honor names from your husband’s side of the family have not had their spellings altered, and his family surname will be used unchanged and for both children. You and your family are the ones being honored with the name Lilly, and you feel very strongly about the spelling, as presumably he and his family feel about the spelling of their own surname. The compromises in this situation are already fully established (honor first name from each side, honor middle from each side) without you adding another concession. He is not suggesting a “compromise,” he is suggesting a radical change that would require a more significant justification than mere preference.
Name update:
Guess what? He came around! Baby girl will officially be named Lilly. I wish I could say that I convinced him with your excellent points about how we used his surname without modification, but ultimately my husband was swayed by the sheer number of people telling us Lilly IS an established name. We changed the middle name, though–another relative just used Naomi, so our Lilly will be Lilly Miranda in honor of my husbands’ mom (Miranda was her first name). Yes, this means both girls are “splitting” two honor names–mine and their late grandmother’s. We love this!
Thanks so much for the support!
We know a Lilly. It’s short for Liliana. I’m not sure the double L is even a deliberate choice by her family, rather than just how it felt natural to spell it. Which is to say, you’ll get people trying both spellings no matter what…insist that the “right” spelling is the one that makes you happy.
I agree 100 percent. You should be a judge. Or at the very least a highly paid therapist.
I concur. This was an excellent answer!
I’ve definitely met multiple people named Lilly, and it feels very familiar to me and not like a misspelling at all!
I also know a family with a Lillian nicknamed Lily, spelled like the flower, and sometimes it seems odd to me that they don’t spell the nickname Lilly, since that would be a more direct derivation. But Lillian is an honor name, which they used under some family pressure. I think they prefer Lily, and they explicitly want the flower imagery, versus just a nickname that plays on one of the parts of her name (like Jenny for Jennifer). Under different circumstances, I think Lilly would be great as the name people know her by.
I know more women named “Lilly” and “Lilli” than those named “Lily.”
As a Lilly with the double L in the middle, yes, it gets misspelled sometimes but not as often as you might think. And I love my name! It’s not short for anything but it is an honor name for my great grandmother who was called Lillian.
I know a Lilly (child). I don’t think it’s a misspelling. If your surname is spelled Lilly, so should the baby. To me it falls into Sara/Sarah; they are both correct spellings. Or Nora/Norah. There are 4 Nora/hs in my son’s PreK class. Some are with H, some are without, you just kind of learn which are which. Occasionally a mistake is made.
I’m a Jenn with two Ns. If I get a text, email, card addressed to Jen instead of Jenn it bothers me none. Just like sometimes I forget which Nora has the H.
Just going to chime in that I know as many women named Lilly as I do Lily. Even a Lillie. And personally when we considered the name during one pregnancy we preferred the spelling Lilly.
But this is not even really about the “right” spelling. You would like to name your child after your surname. You surname is Lilly. This makes complete sense.
He’s just wrong; Lilly is not confusing, and in this scenario, there’s no good reason not to give your daughter your maiden name exactly as it is!
And I agree that Perry and Lilly are badass sisters! I love the way they look and sound together. Congrats!!!
Totally agree with Swistle on this one. No question, gotta go with Lilly.
You are 100% right and he is wrong. Full stop. Swistle perfectly laid out the reasons why.
As someone whose first name is a more rare, alternate spelling of a common name, I feel you. I completely agree that the more common spelling isn’t just an alternate version, it’s the version that is categorically Not Me. When you spend your life correcting the spelling away from one version, you can develop an antagonistic relationship with it. If someone used the common spelling to honour me, I’d be hurt, angry, and it would feel like a tainted, diluted honour.
100% should be Lilly
First off—your maiden name is a fantastic first/honor name! I adore when that happens. Also, your husband is wrong and being ridiculous. Perhaps you should counter with spelling the middle name “Nayomi” or “Naomie”. Lilly is a perfectly common and reasonable name. She may be an adult who says “That’s Lilly with two L’s in the middle” but that is no different from “That’s Debby with a y” or “That’s -le not -el” or “Anne with an e” or “Perry with a y”. I could go on for ages.
Lilly is a lovely name, and a fabulous name to honor her mother’s family!
One more in agreement that you are right. Lilly is a beautiful and perfect name and I hope your husband lets go of whatever it is that rubs him the wrong way and embraces it. At the risk of stirring up trouble, does he not like your family, or does he not actually want to use your maiden name? It seems like a lovely name and like the perfect fit for your naming desires, and the extra L such a minor, inconsequential detail of preference for him, whereas it’s an issue of identity and connection for you. It’s baffling to me that he is arguing about this and resisting so strongly. And again, they BOTH get HIS last name, unchanged, and your first child got a first name from HIS family, unchanged, and you aren’t planning on changing Naomi (which is a lovely name and also incredibly sweet to honor the only living great grandparent – swoon!). WHY does he think it’s appropriate/fair/better to change the spelling of your family name?
I love that both Perry and Lilly have 5 letters and a double consonant in the same spot, I think it really ties the 2 names together wonderfully.
There is no reason to change it, Lilly is the right answer in this situation!
Lilly (with the double L) is PERFECT and you should absolutely use it. Your husband is overthinking it. Where I live, Lilly Pulitzer clothing is quite common – for many, that may be the first association with the name, and the double L will seem natural.
Lilly with 2 Ls isn’t even autocorrected automatically on my phone!!
I’m pregnant too and in a name disagreement with my husband and I think YOU deserve more clout than I do in my argument. My surname was used for kid’s Middle and of course I spelled it family name way!!
Two of my good friends growing up were Lily and Lilly, short for Lillian. Both seemed entirely normal to me!
GO WITH LILLY.
Seriously, the Perry/Perrie spelling point drives it home. It’s your surname name, so the LL spelling is super important. The symmetry is cool too, but it’s the honor part that matters. Making it Lily instead is unfair to you & your family!!!
GO WITH LILLY.
Ps. I love her intended middle, Naomi. If that’s from his family, even more reason for you to get the override vote on the first name spelling.
I agree 100% with Swistle. Lilly is your maiden name, Lily is not! It’s pretty simple. USE LILLY
I vote for “Lilly.” On top of everything else, I only know one Lily/Lilly, and her name is spelled “Lilly.” Also, if I were naming a daughter Lily/Lilly, I would choose “Lilly,” because it seems more phonetically correct.
From personal experience, we have 27-year-old Lilly and the spelling has never lead to any confusion to speak of. Occasionally, we’d say “two l’s and a y” if someone (as at a doctor’s office) hesitated on the spelling but never a big issue.
Also just wanted to chime in to say my 5 year-old daughter has a friend named Lilly. It actually comes in handy when we refer to her, because we know several Lily’s but she’s the only Lilly, so when we need to identify who we are talking about we can say “Lilly with two Ls”.
Lilly is not confusing or incorrect at all. Most importantly, it’s how your maiden name was spelled. Honestly, I kind of can’t believe your husband has even made this into an issue. Perry and Lilly sound great together and the sibling name stories have such great symmetry. I hope you go for Lilly!
I know at least two Lillians who go by Lilly…it’s hardly unheard of. And it is just such a better honor for your family to spell it with two ls. I would put my foot down.
Love Lilly Naomi and think Perry and Lilly are perfect.
Can we just give you a standing ovation for the paragraph with the name pairs? Woohoo!
Just chiming in as another voice to say that Lilly is NOT confusing! My younger sister is a Lillian who has always been called Lilly. I know that her name is sometimes misspelled, but I can’t recall anyone ever being confused by it. In my experience, both Lily and Lilly are very common spellings. I view it as very similar to Sarah vs. Sara. If your last name was a very unusual spelling (Liley or Lileigh or something), I would understand your husband’s position/concern a little more. But in your circumstance, I cannot see any reason to change the actual spelling of your maiden name. And I agree with you that Lilly pairs nicely with Perry in a way that Lily does not.
Lilly. Full stop.
He already had a say with her middle and last names, and her big sister’s first and last name. Her first name is in honor of your maiden name. He has no right to demand a spelling change.
This is one of the few times I don’t believe in compromising. Her name is Lilly. ☺
I hate to pile on (no, I don’t), but your husband is wrong.
My niece is Lilly, and it’s not short for anything. It’s her name, and it has not been confusing for anyone at all in the last 11 years.
Lilly and Perry are an excellent pair!
Here’s your tie breaker: you’re giving birth during a pandemic. You get whatever you want forever. The baby’s name is Lilly. THE END.
100% on board with the Lilly spelling. I honestly can never remember if Lily or Lilly is the more common spelling and I’m a name person and a teacher. Speaking of teaching, I had a student once that spelled it Lyllie and everyone figured that out just fine.
I’m late to the Lilly party, so most everyone has already expressed my feelings, but I agree with it all.
It’s your last name; it’s not an awkward or obscure spelling, so there’s no need to alter it in any way, especially since Perry was not altered.
The symmetry between Perry and Lilly is perfect — five letters, double letters in the 3rd and 4th position, same ending sound but not rhyme-y, same style of name.
Out of six names total (first/middle/last for both girls), you are only getting a genuine say in two of those names. Your husband needs to take a seat.
Lilly Pulitzer is a well-known name in fashion.
Lilly King is an American breaststroke swimmer, 2016 Olympic gold medalist, and world record holder.
Lilly’s Purple Plastic Purse by Kevin Henkes is a fantastic children’s picture book.
Lilly Naomi is a beautiful name!
Your husband is wrong.
I’ve always thought the two-l spelling is more phonetic anyway (and I have a niece whose name is spelled Lily). I’d stick with it.
Not to pile on (jk, I love to pile on a man who’s wrong), but Lilly is 1. a perfectly valid spelling of the name and 2. the correct spelling of your name.
Just here as a plus one to Swistle and all the commenters. Even if it weren’t the proper spelling of your family’s name, I prefer it with Perry (which my phone wanted to autocorrect to Perri, btw).
Perry and Lilly. YES. Heart singing.
Perry and Lily. NO. Unbalanced.
I agree with Swistle and everyone above. My name is Laura. If we were wanting to give my child a name after me, it’s as though my husband was insisting on re-spelling it Lora. This is… not my name, even though it sounds the same. I am finding myself fairly annoyed and indignant toward your husband on this issue and I’m having trouble putting my finger on why exactly. It’s a little… insulting?… to your family to imply that his preferred spelling is better. He’s gotten his honors with his family name and his surname. You should get your family’s honor name without any changes.
Plus, Lilly is just prettier with Perry (the symmetry!) Plus, as you can see from comments above, clearly Lilly is not that uncommon. Plus, you’re giving birth during a pandemic, YOU WIN.
My great-grandmother Lillie’s birth certificate showed that her name was actually spelled Lilly. Imagine today not caring which spelling was really yours and just switching to another. In the Jimmy Carter Presidential Library, I saw on some of his school work that he signed it “Jimmie.”
Even though Lily/Lillie/Lilly was not a common name for babies of the 1970s-90s, it has always been familiar through the brand Lilly Pulitzer – and that’s the spelling you want. I think your daughter will have to spell her name out regardless of which spelling you choose, so go with the one that is meaningful to you.
Can I just say I love a riled up and righteous Swistle?? :D
It has to be Lilly. Also, I love Swistle’s answer.
Lilly Miranda is so beautiful!!!
I love this update. Both name are so so so perfect!
My daughter is Miranda and I’m always so excited to see someone using that beautiful name! What a lovely choice!