Well. How are you? Are you hanging in there? “Hanging in there” is what we seem as a society to be using as the answer to “How are you?” right now. Because “fine,” while we all realize it was always meant to be an automatic call-and-response answer and not the real truth, sounds very weird when we all know perfectly well that no one is fine. “Hanging in there” feels more right. I have also used “We are all still well,” using tone to indicate that I only mean physically.
I have been attempting to do four or five posts a week, to take my mind off things and give me something productive to do. But this morning I woke up at 2:30 and couldn’t get back to sleep because of fruitless fretting, so my mind feels too fuzzy to work on something as important as names. Let’s take a day off from that and just get some coffee and update each other on how we’re doing. Are you still well?
Not really? I know it is harder for others but it feels really hard today. We have access to everything we need but I am paranoid we are spending too much money. Lately I keep thinking maybe we won’t even have it all resolved this year. I just want to know the future.
It’s so hard to not be even able to APPROXIMATE plan-making. Like, I know even in normal times it can happen that plans go awry, or we could get a diagnosis or be in a car accident that changes everything, or whatever—but it feels weird to have everything in SUCH an unseeable fog.
This particular tweet really hit home for me:
Amanda Jetté Knox
@MavenOfMayhem
Mar 27
You might think this pandemic would make anxious people way more anxious. But for those of us who’ve been catastrophizing our entire lives, it can feel like our brains are finally responding normally to reality. We can be surprisingly calm in a crisis & many of us are right now.
I’m grateful to be home with my people. Quarantine School (home of the fighting T cells?) schedules are mostly locked in via customized spreadsheets for each child, designed such that no one in our household should be on more than two streaming calls/activities at any one time. I made a grocery list organized by section of the store. I regularly tidy. I’ve had the luxury of taking pandemic leave offered by my employer that doesn’t cut into my regular leave. I have stable WiFi. I have so much to be thankful for.
Oh, I like that. Yes. And I am a homebody, and also I am enjoying the break from what feels like ENDLESS child appointments.
I had my biweekly therapy appointment last night, and I said that for whatever reason, this week, Week 4 of staying in place, has felt like the hardest one yet, as if everything has accumulated and overflowed. She said to me very seriously that she has a colleague who works with people who are under house arrest, and that the end of Week 3 is typically the tipping point. Either the person sort of settles into a resigned state or their mental capacity starts to break down because they are in this unnatural state of containment. It was comforting, in a way, because I am feeling so strange and tired. I felt like, I’m an introvert, shouldn’t I be okay with this? But no, the world is not okay, so we do not feel okay.
I am physically well, though, and able to work from home. Very thankful for that. My therapist also said (and I wrote down), “Being grateful doesn’t cancel out the hard things.” And that made me think of your tagline about luckiness and suckiness. Guh. I am just trying to keep on keeping on, stiff upper lip, etc etc.
Some things are better, some things are worse. I am despairing about never selling the other house and it dragging us to financial ruin. I miss fun. But right after moving when you have millions of boxes to unpack and a million things to organize is not the worst time to be stuck in your house. We would have been staying home more than usual now but not this much. I also do NOT like not having a plan and all the uncertainty in this is unacceptable.
I’m hanging in there but just by a thread. This week has been particularly harder than the others. I had to cancel my 40th birthday celebratory cruise and I’m a control freak and I feel like there’s nothing I can control anymore, which consciously I know is not true. Since I’m able to work from home, I’ve been making the effort to follow a routine as if I was working at the office, getting out of pj’s, making breakfast, some days even wearing makeup, and keeping the same work hours and schedule. I live alone and I don’t go out often but I miss the interaction with coworkers and obviously family, that doesn’t live far but we’re in lockdown since March 15. Thankfully we have technology that helps us stay connected and we’ll get through this.
Hanging in there, you said it perfectly! I REALLY appreciate your increased posting on both of your blogs, I follow you on twitter, so when I see that you’ve posted I’ll read it using the link from twitter, and then later in the day I’ll use the link from my feed reader so that I can catch up on the comments that have come in throughout the day.
I was supposed to get married on the 20th of this month and I’m bitter about having to cancel. Technically we’ve just “postponed” but it’s hard to feel good about that word when we have no idea when it will be safe to reschedule, so I just say that we cancelled it. We had planned a very small wedding, so it was “easy” to cancel compared to larger events and two of our four major vendors have refunded our deposit or offered to refund it, so we have a bit of flexibility to go in a different direction if we want to once we feel secure about rescheduling. But STILL.
Mostly I have just been responding to all who ask with the “NOT GREAT, BOB!” GIF from Mad Men, because it fits the rage, absurdity, and bad hair state of these times. I want to thank you for your note on your main blog about how hard this much be for those whose kids are younger — mine range from “would happily wear PJS and play Fortnite all day” to “cannot understand time or why she can’t ride her bike everywhere and play in playgrounds” and this is week four and we are OVER IT. Knowing there is still so so so much more to survive. My husband and I are constantly squabbling, trying and failing to work from home, and we have very different ideas about what realistic expectations are for the kids right now, so THAT IS AWESOME. The kids want this to be VACATION and it can’t really be VACATION and also there is just so goddamn much yelling THE ENDLESS YELLING
I try to maintain perspective with gratitude that we have money, food, shelter, health…for now…and that these are just very intense annoyances. But man, this house gets smaller by the minute, and I am filled with jealousy, guilt and rage over the posts I see from those who are “enjoying the downtime” and binge watching shows, or escaping to lake houses *sputter* *fume*.
Thanks for your online presence. It is a welcome break from the crap.
I am conflicted. Part of me realizes I’m very lucky: both H and I still have jobs and are being allowed to WFH 99% of the time, both kids’ schools are now online and they are old enough to handle the work themselves, we’re healthy, and at least this week the weather is nice. The other part of me has just started to feel real angst about how long this is going to go on – with our government it feels like it’s going to last until there is a vaccine over a year from now bcs our leader is being actively harmful. I am so low-grade angry about this that I find myself thinking about it whenever I’m not thinking about something else and it’s not helpful to anyone. I just want to live somewhere where the person in charge is taking serious, science based action.
Today feels much harder and helpless than the past weeks, where it was more of a slow rolling tenseness but the day to day seemed kind of okay. This morning, both of the adults in the house seem to be in that snappy state of mind where even happy sounds made by children would be grating. Of course, the children both want to play together in the same room as us and also are having difficulty not squabbling. Also one of them has an ongoing cough and throat clearing thing (possible asthma? Who knows, her appointments have been cancelled!) that would rival Henry’s sniffing and we are all really feeling the effects of four plus months of it.
I feel like a pot that is about to boil over but I don’t know what to do about that because the feeling is more frustrated sadness than anger so I can’t even furiously scrub a bathroom to alleviate it. I’m bored but I don’t want to do a single one of the things that are available to me.
Sniffing and throat-clearing is just sending me right now. Just sending me.
I’m letting her play video games for longer than I probably should because it’s the only way to convince her to exist in a separate room from me. I can still hear her from the basement but it’s something.
Is anyone else over analysing every single ache and pain, and convincing themselves that despite the fact that none of the common and tell tale symptoms are present this minor ear ache must be a sign of impending doom? Just like the minor leg pain was yesterday. Or the short lived toothache the day before.
I’ve emailed my husband policy numbers and log in details for stuff. Just in case. Because he literally wouldn’t have a clue. Luckily he never reads any emails from me, so he won’t shout at me for this particular manifestation of my paranoia…
*raises hand, waves it around*
*panics bc when I waved my hand there was a pain in my shoulder blade but MAYBE ACTUALLY MY LUNG????*
Yuuuup. Me, to myself: “Huh, my wrist is a little achy and I’m really cold — potential pre-sickness symptoms!” Also me: “Uh, you did yoga for the first time in ages and the temperature outside dropped 30 degrees this week; you’re fine.”
Oh this is me too. I have seasonal allergies that are making my eyes itch like crazy but MAYBE that’s actually a symptom of COVID-19 that no one knows about yet….!!!!
Totally me. I just had a baby mid March, and as my milk was coming in, my chest ached. And then, my back started aching. And because I was just at the hospital (plus the ER a week before for stitches for my daughter), I was sure that I had it…even freaked and took my temp (it was normal). And then I realized, oh, I just had a baby. And these aches are all similar to the last time I had a baby, but they could still be IT.
I’ve been saying, “We are all healthy!” in a false cheery voice.
Since every work call (which I still have SO MANY OF! All day long! back to back video conferences!) begins with someone asking “how are you” I now pause a beat, and say “I’m alive….!” because that’s how I feel. That’s all I can commit to. We are alive. We are technically healthy. I don’t sleep anymore and I can’t figure out when/where/how to exercise and I’m breaking out worse than I have since my teenage years, but I don’t have covid, so I guess we’re good….? :-/
We are supposed to move TO ANOTHER COUNTRY in 4 months. And so apart from struggling to balance two adults working “full time” and two kids 5 and under, we are also in the limbo of what is going to happen. Will we be able to move? Will it be a problem? What is going to happen with borders and paperwork (everything is slower? Maybe?) and finding someone to take our current place and finding a new place and no one will want to buy all the stuff I wanted to sell and …. aaah. So I’m trying not to think about it and trying to not panic about not thinking about it.
Apart from that we’re fine…
We have been planning a cross country move for years. The U-Box has left, the toys and warm clothes are gone, the Very Stocked Pantry was given away. I was supposed to get on a train this morning with our 3- and 1-year-olds while my husband drove the car full of breakables.
Then he briefly lost his sense of taste.
And his last patient was confirmed to have COVID-19.
And you know, we like our new neighbors, so we’ll just quarantine here until the new job starts. It’s fine. We’re washing broken disposable plates and we’re cold because spring was only joking and the kids are growing tired of playing with the recycling and we are almost out of food while the grocery delivery won’t even declare its day of arrival.
But, you know. We’re fine.
Started my third trimester of pregnancy last week. My parents are 4,000 miles away; they are in their 60s/70s and one of them has significant health problems. My big fear vacillates between a) them getting really sick and me not being able to travel to them, and b) this whole thing still being out of control by the time my baby’s born and my parents/in-laws not being able to come meet their grandchild. I never imagined a situation in which travel between my country and theirs would be impossible. I’ve lived abroad for 7 years, but this is the furthest from home I’ve ever felt.
But: there’s a lot to be grateful for. I’m healthy. My baby’s healthy. My parents, husband, and husband’s family are all healthy. The curves are flattening in the cities where my parents and I live. This time last year (and the year before, and the year before that …) I was desperate to be pregnant, and now I’m only 10 weeks and change from meeting my child. “We’re all well” is no small thing.
Sending special love to those of you who are pregnant or postpartum and who are separated from their families. Also to anyone whose fertility treatments have been interrupted. This all feels super unfair. But we’ll get through it and life will go on.
In the meantime: what a tremendous pleasure to read everyone’s naming quandaries! Thanks Swistle! I’ve been reading your blog for 10 years, but it’s become an especial pleasure for me during this wild time. xo
I can’t tell you how much I have appreciated your increased posting. It feels great to have relatable post and babies that need names right about now. I also feel happy about your main posts as well. Thank you for your work on these blogs in this awkward and uncomfortable time.
I had just completed my last chemo treatment and was looking forward to hopefully getting on with life when the corona virus lock down started. So I’m currently stressing that my immune system is already compromised from my treatments, praying I stay in remission, as well as home schooling 4 young children whilst my husband works away! I have no support as my mum died 3 years ago and my dad has health problems meaning we must stay away from him. I’m 32 and completely overwhelmed with life.
I am trying to focus on the positives and be thankful that my husband has a job with a decent income, I have four amazing children to spend my days with, constant support from my children’s school teachers, and a beautiful little pug puppy my husband gave me after I completed my treatment! The positives far out way the negatives and I’m grateful for that.
I have been worried all week that the mildish virus I had (upset stomach, tiny fever for one day, body aches, fatigue) was Covid, but with the less common signs. Kept teleworking because I didn’t want to use up my sick leave if I got worse. Started feeling better. Then my husband got sick the day after the Seder (which he cooked everything for because I was sick) with probable Covid and got tested. Then I started coughing, called my doc, and she said presumptively yes. So, there’s that.
I’ve been freaked about possibly getting it because I have mild asthma and get bronchitis badly. But now that I do have it I’m less freaked for now, and just hoping it stays a mild case.
College age son does not have symptoms, so we’re keeping distant and wearing masks around him (though likely he had a super mild case like a lot of young folks). So he is now learning to cook one meal at a time, made last night’s dinner.
Your increased posting has been a balm and a joy during all these weeks of anxiety- thank you!
My husband traveled to South America just before the social distancing/quarantine began, and his stay continues to be lengthened as he cares for his very ill mom. We decided it doesn’t make sense for him to fly home and be totally alone in quarantine when he is actually quite useful to his parents… But our three kids (ages 6, 4, and 2) and I miss him something terrible and it feels like there is no end in sight. Also, the three kids make it absolutely impossible for me to go inside a store for shopping, so I’m checking online nearly daily to see when/if I’ll be able to order more. People keep asking what they can do to help… But really, what CAN they do? Nothing. They cannot give me a nap or a break or convince my children to be kind to one another for five minutes and OMG if the four year old refuses to walk into her bedroom without me one more time I might snap. But we’re physically healthy, so we’re fine, right?
Hearing all this is helping me so much. I’m one of about 20 people in my division at work (teaching little kids) and we are all working remotely. Everyone else is an empty-nester, has older/self-sufficient kids, and/or a spouse at home full time…except me, my husband is still working tons of hours trying to salvage his small business, while I’m trying to host zoom circle time for 16 kindergarteners while wrangling my one year old and keeping my 9 year old off her video games and doing her online school. I’m doing a Terrible job because she told her dad that she was FIFTY ASSIGNMENTS BEHIND tonight. I’m also cooking everything and cleaning (I had help with these before, because of work) which is awful. And I feel lousy for feeling lousy, and for feeling burdened by my beautiful sweet children. Anyways, no one at work seems to understand why I can’t be FaceTiming with my students 24/7. My boss was like, this is hard! And I thought, how hard can it be when your wife is home, not working, taking care of your kids so you can actually sit in a room by yourself??