[My last day of work was one week ago yesterday, when we were thinking “I wonder if the library might even CLOSE because of this!” Reshelving library books is not a job I can do from home, so I have some time on my hands. Those of you in a similar boat, I suggest we use some of that time to name some sweet little babies.]
Dear Swistle,
Our surname is pronounced like “pain” though it is spelled differently. This has made choosing a name difficult! I’m wondering how you navigate situations where the surname has meaning and in our case, not a pleasant meaning?!
We are expecting a boy early summer to join two boy siblings. We’ve used up our list of boy names: Aaron and Charles (nn Charlie) and are in need of help with this third one (and likely final).
An example of the issue we’re running into is that some names simply are off the table because of their meaning: Miles, Grant, Will (if went by that nn for William), and others because of combo / initials in general: Peter (and anything starting with a P or T).
I tend to fret perhaps more than warranted about this issue. For example, after naming Charlie I realized someone could make the connection that a Charlie horse causes pain which could be a source of teasing. Friends tell me that is far-fetched. My husband said he has heard every variation of teasing with the surname growing up and it doesn’t matter what the first name is-they will be teased. He said he was called a pain, painful, even window pane??
We intentionally named our boys with multi-syllable names that likely wouldn’t be shortened to single syllable nick names with a softer initial sound also to lessen the severity of the sound of our surname which is compounded by the severity of its meaning.
Are there other / different things we should keep in mind?
In terms of names to consider, our list is painfully short (pun intended):). While it’s super popular now, I love James but it does have a different ring than a multi-syllable name and almost rhymes (my husband is against it). Other favorites of mine include Henry, Harry (has the issue with both Harry and “Pain” having meaning and could be a huge source of teasing!), and my husband’s hands-down favorite, Benjamin (over time would probably be shortened to Ben which then is one-syllable and has a similar ending as the surname, and Ben also meshes weirdly with the beginning of our surname, in my opinion).
I’m also wanting to be sensitive to sibling names not sounding too similar, so an -ie or -y ending might be off limits because of Charlie?
I, especially, like classic names, and dislike super trendy names, even if classic. For example, Theodore, Sebastian, etc are off the table as there are a bunch of them where we live. My husband likes classic names that are a little more common than I do, but we both want names that could generally be spelled by someone over the phone (though this is an interesting criteria now as so many variations in spelling have become popular that even my husband’s common name of Brian has been misspelled more often than not, recently).
Other names we are potentially considering include Joseph (though it’s my brother’s name and probably would be shortened over time to Joe), Wesley (though kinda popular, rhymes with Charlie, and may be shortened over time to Wes which in addition to being monosyllabic, bleeds weirdly into the surname, in my opinion), Roland (issue with ending of D sound going into P of surname, and again could sound like “rolling pain” which wouldn’t be good!!).
If we were having a girl, names we’d consider include Lydia, Valentine, Josephine, Caroline, Louise, Meredith.
We plead for help with this “painful” issue!!
Many thanks,
Michelle
Let us start with a suggestion that will not work in this particular situation—but we do these posts in part to help others in similar situations. The suggestion is this: use the other parent’s surname. The infrequent usage of that option is as amazing to me as that we have had 45 male presidents and male vice-presidents in a row. I went to school with a girl whose surname was Dick, and a boy whose surname was Butt. We don’t have to live this way when we have another equally valid surname to use.
Well. In cases where the family surname has already been chosen and it is a surname with a negative meaning, I think you are exactly on the right track: carefully test out first names and their nicknames/initials, and try to pick the least teasable options. Your husband is certainly right that the surname will result in a certain level of teasing no matter what, but he’s wrong that therefore it doesn’t matter what the first name is: there’s no need to add MORE teasing to the situation. But I also agree with your friends that Charlie to charlie horse to charlie horses causing pain is too big of a stretch to worry about. It’s hard to imagine the taunt: “Ha ha, I have a CHARLIE HORSE! Which hurts—or, as you might say, CAUSES PAIN! Nyah nyah, Charlie (Horse Causes) Pain!” No self-respecting bully would try to make that fly.
I think Henry would be great. Henry Pain sounds excellent and doesn’t increase the tease factor; Aaron, Charlie, and Henry is a great set of brothers. Having a similar-sounding ending to Charlie seems like a non-issue. I say do it and be done with it!
I think Benjamin Pain is good too, and that Aaron, Charlie, and Ben makes a great set of siblings (except it makes me want to put them in ABC order). I agree with you that Ben Pain is not ideal, but I don’t think it’s at a dealbreaking level: it’s just slightly odd, and with nicknames I feel like the flow doesn’t matter so much.
I like Joseph, too, and I think Joe Pain sounds kind of cool.
“Rolling pain” is not a thing, and Roland/rolling sound pretty different anyway, so I don’t think that’s an issue with Roland. (I wondered if you might instead be thinking of the similarity to rolling pin, but I’d say Roland Pain doesn’t sound enough like rolling pin for that to be an issue either—even if rolling pins were a negative thing.) I do have a little bit of trouble going from the -d to the P-, but not enough trouble to rule the name out. I would pretty quickly just get used to putting a tiny pause in there: Roland.Pain.
I really think Henry is the answer, but let’s see if we can find some more candidates to consider.
Elliot Pain; Aaron, Charlie, and Elliot
Ethan Pain; Aaron, Charlie, and Ethan
George Pain; Aaron, Charlie, and George
Jared Pain; Aaron, Charlie, and Jared
Joshua Pain, Josh Pain; Aaron, Charles, and Joshua; Aaron, Charlie, and Josh
Luke Pain; Aaron, Charlie, and Luke
Nathan Pain, Nate Pain; Aaron, Charles, and Nathan; Aaron, Charlie, and Nate
Nicholas Pain, Nick Pain; Aaron, Charles, and Nicholas; Aaron, Charlie, and Nick
Nolan Pain; Aaron, Charlie, and Nolan
Seth Pain; Aaron, Charlie, and Seth
Thomas Pain, Tom Pain; Aaron, Charles, and Thomas; Aaron, Charlie, and Tom (starts with T.)
(HENRY.)
I think you’re over-thinking just a bit. My maiden name is P@yne! I’m a Caroline, nn Carrie, & I can’t recall a single instance of being mocked bcs I “carry pain.” Sure, ther was the occasional pain-in-butt, house of pain, Dr. Pain jokes, but it was never personal. I’m from Kentucky & that surname is Suuuuper common here!!
I think you’re OK with anything that’s not too descriptive. Thomas is a big name in my fam, & I think it goes great. I agree multisyllable flows best, but I have one brother with a 1 syllable name–Joel–& his youngest is Fred…I think those are just fine.
Henry is just wonderful! Swistles ideas are good. I think you have tons of choices here.
I agree that you’re over thinking it a bit. Most classic names you’ve chosen would work just fine and if a bully wants to bully a kid they’ll find a way, it doesn’t matter how teasable or unteasable a name is.
I do have to disagree with swistle on Roland thing though depending on accent. I have a slight southern accent so when I say Roland or Rolling the “d” and “g” get dropped so they sound similar when said out loud (Rolan’ and Rollin’ )
But if you live somewhere that this type of accent is uncommon then they do sound distinct and it doesn’t matter. And “rolling pain” doesn’t make sense as a phrase or a tease either.
Henry seems great- and I think while nicknames MAY happen if you choose a name you willfully use in its entirety, others will follow suit and you can almost leave the nickname up to your son when the day comes. James- wants to be Jimmy when he’s 9? His choice. Henry- wants to be Hank in the 8th grade? Ok!
Other options in that vein, some Swistle seconds here:
David, Ethan, Seth, Thomas, Michael (which I feel is considered rare these days!), Victor, Gregory, John (same as Michael), Phillip, Kyle, Ethan, Caleb (which I really like with sibset), Lucas (another top choice for me)
*David, Michael, Caleb and Lucas = faves
I personally think Henry fits in with the classic but trendy category right now, along with Sebastian and Theodore, though it does sound good with your last name.
I love the suggestion of Thomas/Tom. Another comment suggested John, I think it sounds cool with the last name and you could use Jonathan as a full name if you wanted more than one syllable.
Some other names that came to mind when reading your letter: Adrian, Daniel, Tobias nn Toby and Samuel.
I would not do Thomas because of the founding father Thomas Paine. Agree that Henry is great and I like Liz’s suggestion of Daniel a lot too.
I was coming to just say this. Thomas Paine while an excellent person is quite a well known historical namesake
I do think you are overthinking the whole “pain” issue. Charlie horse to pain is a huge stretch, as is Roland Pain. Henry & Charlie having the same ending is not a big deal-at all. In fact, I know brothers called this (with a 3rd named Sam) and I really never noticed. I like Henry and Benjamin best of all your options. And I don’t see a problem with Ben Pain at all. But if it bothers you, why not go with Benji? Sure it could be shortened to Ben eventually. But Charlie could also one day decide to be Charles or Chuck or whatever. We can’t really predict what our kids may decide to do with their names in the future-but I think it’s safe to say if he decides to be called Ben, then Ben Pain obviously won’t be an issue for him.
Also, I’ll add that my experience as a parent & as someone who works with kids has been that name-related teasing is not as much of a thing as it was in the past. Maybe because names are more diverse than they used to be? I wouldn’t be too surprised if your boys do not experience the same level of “pain” related teasing as your husband did. If you have access to some older kids, maybe ask them about your names. You might be surprised to find they don’t even notice some of the things you’ve been worried about.
Was gonna suggest Benji too! Such a sweet nickname.
I like the two syllable options – Henry, Ethan, Toby, etc.
I’d avoid Nick.. swap out the n and you have an issue. I’d also avoid Nate… sounds like net. Net pain is great WWF nickname, but otherwise tough. Roland Pain does sound like rolling in my accent too. But if you are a sports family, “Rollin’ Pain” may be an awesome nickname. As for Thomas Paine, unless the historical reference is intended, I’d avoid.
From Swistle’s list, the one I’d lean to is Ethan. Not much you can do to Ethan. I like Colin, but then I thought it may be too close to Colon or is that too advanced for playground teasing? I do like Alexander and it is similar to Henry in terms of history — Alex Pain, Alexander Paine. Gregory, Adam, Eric or David seem like good options too.
It is a hard last name to work with but you do have good options.
I think Henry is great and also liked the suggestion of Nolan and Nathan.
Another few: Garrett, Ryan and Tyler
I think Henry is good for you. If you want to use Joseph but don’t want a one-syllable nickname, you could commit to Joey (at least until he has a say in it– you can’t control what they’ll call themselves when they’re older.) Since you liked Louise for a girl and this is likely your last, does Louis appeal?
My favorite of Swistle’s suggestions for you are Elliot, Joshua and Nicholas. I would avoid Thomas because of the historical figure. Some options I like for you:
Jonathan
Alexander
Dominic
Nathaniel
Everett
Emmett
Ezra–for some reason I quite like this with the surname
Zachary
Alexander sounds amazing but Alexander P@yne is a well known director.
I think Henry is perfect! Benjamin is also lovely, and not at all an issue with the last name. While I love The name Thomas, I’d just point out colonial-era Thomas Paine, author of the treatise “Common Sense”. Not a negative association, but one that will dominate Google results.
Lots of great suggestions in the previous comments. Some of my ideas are repeats , but I’ll share them anyway:
David
Dylan
Ezra
Gregory
Isaac — great name, not so great initials.
Jeffrey
Kevin — maybe an issue with initials?
Spencer
How do you like:
Jeremy (nn Remy)
Adam (unless you don’t want Aaron to share initals)
Lewis
Robert (nn Bert, Bob, Hob)
Harris
Rueben
Victor
Marshall (which sounds pretty rad with your surname)
Malcolm
You’ve got great taste! Best wishes to you and your family.
So many great suggestions here!
I’ll just add to the “probably not Thomas” commenters by noting that Thomas Paine has been brought back to mind for many by the Hamilton lyrics. Not a bad association, but one that may jump to mind more quickly because of the song now.
Angelica sings:
I’ve been reading Common Sense by Thomas Paine
So people say I’m intense or insane
You want a revolution? I want a revelation
So listen to my declaration
Nathaniel Paine?
Joseph and Henry work, too.
I get the Brian thing; my dh is a Bryan. Both versions are super common and there are other versions. But then I’m an Elisabeth. That gets mispelled even when I spelled it out before. On official things like bills and debit cards. Oy.
“We don’t have to live like this!” = why I appreciate Swistle so much.
I grew up with a family whose last name was P@yne, and one of them did end up becoming a doctor :)
I think Elliot, Ezra, Nathaniel, Joshua, and Malcolm are all great suggestions. I’ll also add Eli.
My husband and I had a good laugh over the line “ We don’t have to live this way!” He’s a Bang (oof), and in naming our kids we dropped it for my much more innocuous last name.
Our family name is Grieve, which I also describe as the saddest word in the English language. But other than avoiding one syllable names, names that started with G and names that were also words (Mason, Ruby etc) I just tried to put the fact that it was a word out of my head.
We ended up with 3verett Grieve and T0bin Grieve and I love their names and even how it sounds with their dad’s last name (which I clearly don’t love).