Hi Swistle,
When I was pregnant with my first child and contemplating names, we decided on a name for a boy that was unique and not popular. I ended up having a girl and love her name.
A year after my daughter was born, I started a friendship with another woman who was pregnant. When discussing names, I brought up my boy pick and she didn’t say anything about it. She recently gave birth and named her son the exact same name that I have saved for a boy. To make things more complicated, she recently found out that her son has special needs.
Now, I’m pregnant with my second child and am contemplating using the name if I have a boy. How should I proceed if I want to use the name for a son?
Thanks.
In your shoes, here would be my concern: That the other woman might not remember the earlier conversation, and that she would therefore think I had stolen the name idea from her. And she genuinely might not remember you mentioning it, and could have come up with it a different way. If I could send you back in time, I might have you react as soon as she told you the child’s name: “Oh! The same as our boy-name pick! How wonderful! Obviously I love that name and think you have great taste!”
If I were you, I would discuss it with her again when it comes up naturally, so that you can gauge her reaction. Like, if she knows you are pregnant, it is likely she checks in about how your pregnancy is going, whether you’ve thought of names, etc; the next time it comes up, you could say your boy name pick is still _____, the same as it was for your first pregnancy, and then move smoothly on to discussing girl-name possibilities. People vary tremendously in how they feel about duplicate names within their social circles, so this conversation can give you some useful information about what is at stake here.
But if you think your contemplation may lead you to choose a different name, or if you plan on finding out the sex of the baby before the birth, then I might not bring it up yet: no sense causing potential strife/stress when it may not be necessary, especially if she may be a little overwhelmed right now with other concerns.
I have the benefit of having been through this phase of life and am out the other side. The people who are your good friends now might still be your friends in 5, 10, or 15 years. But it also might be people you don’t even speak to them anymore. So worrying about having two of the same names in your social circle might not even be an issue.
This is not a situation where you’re stealing someone else’s name. She took the idea from you (even if she doesn’t remember, you do ) and if anyone brings up the fact that you named your son after hers, you can just say “yeah we had discussed that name during her pregnancy. I’m so glad she liked it as much as I did when I suggested it.”
Or even, if you are feeling less defensive, “yeah I have had my heart set on this name for years, looks like we both have great taste in names LOL”
I think it would be reasonable to wait until your baby is born, give him the name, and then as you are sending out emails and sharing the name with family and friends, make an extra effort to reach out to this friend. I’m thinking you could send her an email saying that you hope she doesn’t mind, that it’s so funny that you both agree that it’s the best boy name out there right now, that you’re excited to think that someday the boys will be friends, etc. You could even make a point of inviting her to come see the baby early so you can get a photo of the two boys together.
The risk is that she is upset anyway, but if so then I’m not sure that there’s anything you could say in advance that would prevent that. The biggest argument for talking about it with her in advance, I think, is if there’s any chance you would use a different name if she wanted you to change it. If you wouldn’t pick a different name even if she was upset about it, then I think you might as well wait until the baby actually gets named. No sense rocking the boat early.
I really don’t get the name “dibbs” thing. I mean, it is your kid. So unless you are going to copy a completely made up name that has never (and I mean never) been used before. — the kind of name that some people pay people to make up for them — then there is another person in the world with that name. Naming really is a percentage game. There rarely is a truly unique name and it rarely remains unique. Even when you think you have successfully played the odds, you suddenly find it has a weird bubble of popularity around you. Add in the whole prior conversation and you should be solid. I would try to avoid the same middle name though!
As for mentioning it before the birth, I guess that depends on the kind of person she is, how she handles the unexpected or how sensitive you are if she objects. Also was/is she trying for another baby? If you are pregnant and she has been unable to be, the name thing may burn more than it should. Again. You are not responsible for her happiness, just being sensitive to her emotions on how and when you share your great news.
You have to go with what you love. You just never know how it will turn out in the long run.
When we had Zac it was fairly common but I was fine with that, there were three in his first IN HOME daycare. But here we are 18 years later and I cannot think of a single other Zac we know socially. When we named Skyler people acted like it was some rare gem we had pulled from an ancient tome (slight exaggeration) and now at age 16 there’s a Skyler/Skylar/Schuyler on every one of her sports teams and in most of her classes.