My husband’s name is Benjamin. My name is Rachel. Our last name is Gannon. We have 1 daughter, Chloe Hazel. She is 3. I am currently expecting our second.
We did not find out the sex with Chloe Hazel and were happily surprised when she was born. With baby #2, we originally planned to also wait – but accidentally found out a few weeks ago that we’re having another girl (tech at our ultrasound made a mistake!) We haven’t shared this news yet with family or friends but we are 99% settled on naming this baby Abigail Elizabeth (both family names).
If it had been a boy, my husband is enamored with the idea of a namesake and would love to have a junior: Benjamin Clark Gannon Jr. I’m relatively neutral on the namesake topic but want to be respectful of my husband’s strong feelings on it. So, I’d say Benjamin Jr. would be our male name contender, if we weren’t having Abigail.
I am writing to you because we (Knock on wood!) would love to have 4 kids eventually. I came from a larger family and loved growing up in a full house.
My husband has one older brother. BIL and his wife are also pregnant, with their first baby, a boy. That found out that they were expecting a few weeks before we realized that Abigail was on the way. They just announced to our entire family (and all of Facebook!??) that they plan to name their son Ben Clark Gannon.
They never mentioned this name would be an honor name for my husband in any way. They chose the first name to it honor my SIL’s uncle, apparently. And used Clark because it’s a family middle name – no issue there! (About 90% of all males on my husband’s family’s side share it). And my husband and his brother share the same last name obviously — Gannon.
BIL didn’t discuss this with my husband and has actually avoided the topic entirely since making it known through the family grapevine and Facebook.
My husband is upset.
No one else in his family thinks it’s a big deal. They don’t understand why he’s upset. Mostly because BIL is planning to name the baby Ben, not Benjamin. (FYI…My husband goes by both names — Benjamin/Ben — within all circles of his life – professionally, in the family, with friends.)
Meanwhile, every friend that we’ve told is shocked and thinks it’s really strange. However – it’s so hard to tell if that’s a result of us essentially asking our echo chamber for feedback. I understand that we could be being petty and we may be in the wrong. (Who knows!?!)
For the record, my husband *did* tell BIL that this name choice bothers him, after the news circulated to us, specifically because he’d like to use it for a son of his own. (If we have a son one day. I know it’s a big if!) No change occurred after this heart to heart. I’d say BIL and my husband are relatively close. No deep animosity besides normal sibling stuff – this situation is the most trying thing I’ve witnessed them navigate in our 7 years together. So it’s not like his long lost or estranged brother surfaced on Facebook to announce he was expecting/naming the kid my Husband’s name. (If that matters!)
We also still haven’t announced our child’s sex – and conceivably could linger, waiting to share it upon birth. But that feels *really* crazy and manipulative. We’re obviously not having a boy. BIL has confirmed the sex of their baby boy. Drawing this out won’t help. And I am not down for any type of asshole move to keep the name to ourselves…just cant tell if waiting to share the sex would cause fewer problems or more problems with this situation…or be totally unrelated.
Only thing I do know is that there’s no predicting what could happen in the future with regards to us having more children — yet we still feel slightly shafted! And we can’t tell if we have the right to feel that — and if so — what the hell to do about it!? Meanwhile, my husband is starting a campaign to convince me to name our daughter Benjamin… ha.
Help!!!!
Thanks,
Rachel
We can fill the comments section with outrage over this, and talk extensively about what should or should not be happening; and, if it helps at all, I do think this is an extremely odd thing for your brother-in-law and sister-in-law to do. But after reading the letter through twice, and seeing that you have already done all the things that can be done here, I think I can pare the post itself down to the bare minimum: They’re going to name their child Ben, so now what will you do if you have a boy?
And since you are having a girl, I say skip it all for now. Just…skip it. You’re pregnant and you don’t need this stress, and you can’t do anything else about it now anyway. Later on, in a future pregnancy, after you have found out you are having a boy, then you can revisit the entire thing and see how you feel THEN. There are no decisions left at all that need to be made NOW; everything that needs to be done (husband telling brother how he feels, husband telling brother he intends to use the name for a junior) has already been done. This entire thing can be postponed until later, and may never even be applicable, so it is a prime opportunity for that expression I can’t quite remember about not borrowing trouble from tomorrow when today has so much trouble of its own. This FEELS like today’s trouble, but it’s actually tomorrow’s—and maybe never’s.
If you were planning to share the news of the sex of your baby before the birth, then go ahead; if you would have preferred to keep it a surprise until the birth as originally planned, then continue to keep it a surprise; but I am strongly in support of your inclination to avoid tying that decision into this current name drama. By the same measure, I don’t think you need to feel obligated to share the sex of the baby before the birth just because of this situation; it sounds like you’ve known the sex for several weeks and hadn’t shared yet even before all this other stuff happened, so don’t feel FORCED to share it just to relieve the squirm aspect. You could let your brother-in-law and sister-in-law know privately, if you thought they were squirming and wanted to be particularly generous to them—but I don’t think that’s necessary if you’d been planning to wait until the birth, especially since I’m not hearing any evidence that they ARE squirming.
Excellent advice from Swistle.
I am fine with you naming a boy Benjamin despite your BIL using Ben now. They went their own way, and you can go yours. Had you used it first, I can see that might have still gone with Ben for their reasons. I don’t think it will be hard telling them apart in the family. The worst case is people will call them Big Ben and Little Ben, which you can stomp out if it bothers you, or accept if you’re okay with it. One thing their son can never be in Benjamin, so you might decide to call him that. There’s also Benny, Benjie, or some other nickname that pops up. But even if Ben is what feels right, maybe you’ll just start referring to their son as Cousin Ben for clarity in conversation. I think you can get past it, in other words. This was your plan all along and I don’t think you have to let SIL’s family name get in the way. But for now, enjoy this pregnancy and congratulations on your baby girl!!!! I love your sibling set.
Oh, I was close to a family that had a Big Ben and a Little Ben. It was charming. But as you said, there are a lot of ways to clarify and differentiate.
To me, Benjamin and Ben are two completely different names if they appear on birth certificates Yes, your husband answers to Ben, but his name is Benjamin–and if you were to name a son Benjamin Clark someday, he might choose to answer to something else (Benji or BC or Clark).
I think it is a LITTLE weird of them to use the name, but not horribly so–and I am rooting for you in your efforts to keep this low-drama! You are not in the wrong for thinking it’s strange, but I do think it’s possible that your friends are (kindly) mirroring the energy you’re giving them about this topic. If I heard a story about a family in which a baby had an Uncle Benjamin on one side and was being named Ben for a relative named Ben on the other side, and Uncle Benjamin did not have sons or stated plans to have a Junior someday, I would not feel outrage on Uncle Benjamin’s behalf independently. I MIGHT, however, be influenced by a friend’s telling of the exact same story. You are very, very wise to wait and react to this only when you actually need to!
Finally, just want to throw this in. Speaking from my own experience, there is not a single name I would be willing to give to a child that is currently worn by someone I don’t love very much. In other words, if I disliked or felt even slightly iffy about my brother/brother-in-law Benjamin, Ben would be completely out of the running as a baby name. I would have to love him very, very much to have the warm fuzzies about a name I planned to use on a baby.
Would your husband be satisfied using Benjamin Clark (insert other name you will call your son) Gannon? I don’t think you could use Jr in that case, but he would still technically have a son named after him?
I do think it’s strange they didn’t even mention anything to you before announcing it to everyone. The name we chose for my daughter was actually my niece’s middle name, and I checked with them to make sure they were fine if we used it (they loved the idea thankfully!) However, it’s also possible that your BIL’s wife has always wanted to name a son Ben and it is just as important to her as it was your husband having a namesake. Also, there’s no rule saying you can’t use Benjamin Clark Gannon Jr. in the future, even if the cousins share names. They could end up with different nicknames (Benji, etc.) that could help avoid confusion when they are together.
So I maybe took a slightly different approach by pretending the BIL had written in for name advise. Their letter would have gone something like “wife has a meaningful family name she wants to use and I want to use a family name used as a middle for most of the male members of my family. This is awkward because that particular combination will result in the Exact Same Name as my brother.” In that case, my advise would be mom should absolutely get to use her family name! Her family/feelings/traditions are just as important and baby will (I assume) have dads last name and it’s not fair and maybe I’d throw in comments about the patriarchy. I may suggest changing the middle name, but that still leaves uncle/nephew sharing the same call name-so that seems like a token solution. I would encourage the BIL to talk to his brother before making a big announcement (sadly that didn’t happen) but I don’t think I’d suggest they change the first name.
The other couple had tricky issues that they were able to solve in a way they both seem happy with-isn’t that what we want for all parents? Sadly, their solution led to a name dilemma for someone else. But sometimes these things happen .
So, you’ve let them know you plan on doing a Jr if you ever have a boy. They now have additional information to consider (it sounds like letter writer and her husband had not previously announced plans for a Jr). So they can consider if they are ok with potential cousins sharing the same name. Maybe they use Ben and maybe they don’t. But it certainly isn’t fair to ask or expect them to give up their name just in case maybe you have a boy some time in the future. And I don’t think it’s fair to think of their decision as something they did to you or as some sort of passive aggressive unresolved sibling rivalry.
I agree with Swistle this sounds like a tomorrow problem. If they go through with using Ben and if/when you even have a boy, you’ll have to decide how you feel about cousins sharing names. And we can suggest all sorts of solutions for that particular dilemma (Clark Benjamin? Use a fun nickname at family events? Lean into it and do a whole The Bens thing? There are lots of possible solutions). But for now, I’d say focus on the baby you are having and try not to thing if this as something they have done to you or as something that deserves all the outrage.
This is what I was thinking as well. I definitely get how it feels odd for the BIL to name his child something so close to his brother’s whole name. But I’m sure the wife of her BIL could just as easily get her friends outraged on her behalf, since from her perspective it could feel like they are trying to keep her from using a beloved family name. It would be thoughtful of them to choose a different middle name – surely there are other honor names besides Clark on the husband’s side – so the cousins wouldn’t end up with the exact same first and middle.
Aye, my sister and I could have had a problem with James, since its a name of significance in our respective husbands’ families. But as it happened, there is so much age difference between our sons that it hardly matters. I figured if we did use it, we’d let a certain 6yo think we named his cousin after him.
The situation does seem a bit thoughtless on the BIL/SIL side. I feel like it is just proper courtesy to avoid giving a child a living family member’s name if: 1.) it is not intended as an honor name, 2.) family member is relatively close (relationally or proximity), and 3.) it is not discussed a head of time.
But that said, it is not worth getting upset about right now. Concern was voiced and that is pretty much all you can do. If you and your husband eventually have a boy, I would still name him Benjamin Clark Gannon, Jr. There are so many nickname options that it is unlikely that the cousins will answer to the same name. (I have a Benjamin that goes by Benji.) There is Ben, Benny, Benji, Benjamin, Clack, BC, Junior, BJ, etc.
By having a Junior, you don’t seem to mind having two of the same name in the same house. So… Who cares if cousins have the same name? It’s a family name. We’re you planning on calling your Jr by any special nickname to keep his name different than dads? Do you see BIL very often? I say, do as Swistle said and don’t even worry about it until you learn one day you’re having a boy. Then, if you want a Jr all you’d ever have to say is, “We are naming this baby after his father” and just do it. If you didn’t mind the same name in the same house, then I wouldn’t mind the same name surrounding you in other ways. For the record, I love the name Ben/Benjamin and my second cousin has a son named that and I’m close to still considering it on my name list. We don’t see them too often and their Ben is 12 now, so totally different cousin age range. It’s a wonderful boy name.
This was my reaction, as well! They would already need to nickname him “Benji” or “Ben Jr” or something to distinguish him from his dad, which would be necessary much more often than telling him apart from his cousin.
Benjamin is my husband’s name, and it’s so nice and warm and it should be used often.
I can totally understand why your husband is upset, but as Swistle stated, there’s nothing much you can do if your BIL and his wife are dead set on naming their son Ben.
What’s more, if this issue leads to an argument between brothers, and after little Ben is born his parents say something like: “In fact, we really wanted for our baby boy to share a name with his wonderful uncle”, you may feel awful.
Besides, it really isn’t such a big deal for cousins to share a name, especially since they will be at least a few years apart.
And of course there’s still a possibility that you will end up having 4 beautiful daughters and 0 sons, so this whole drama may become a complete non-issue.
So, I think that there’s really no point of risking a fracture on a perfectly good relation between brothers over a problem that may even never materialise.
P.S. Abigail Elizabeth is a wonderful choice!
It is possible the ultrasound tech could be wrong, too. That still happens on occasion.
I agree that this is tomorrow’s problem in all but one aspect. You need to warn your SIL that if you have a boy in the future, you’re planning to call him Benjamin Clark as an the honorary name for your husband. You can throw in there that you appreciate why they love the name too and let those chips fall as they may. You just don’t want her surprised if/when that happens in a future pregnancy. Sounds like BIL is aware but is SIL? This future surprise could cause more drama than you feel right now, because at that point there will be a living Ben already. Get it out there, and let everyone decide for themselves.
After that though, let it go. There is a beautiful girl in your future and you should focus on her.
I guess I’m seeing this a little differently than most commenters. It’s not just a matter of a Benjamin Clark Gannon Jr. who does not currently exist and may never exist. It’s that BIL grew up his whole life with his brother Ben Gannon and now that will be his baby’s name even though he did NOT ask his brother if it was okay to use his name, did not even let his brother KNOW personally that he was using his name but rather let him find out through a Facebook post, claims that the name is NOT an honor name for brother Ben but for wife’s uncle, AND BIL is unmoved by Ben’s “heart-to-heart” talk. In this situation, unless I found out that there was a very unusual/tragic/sentimental story behind SIL’s Uncle Ben that resulted in the desire to honor him, I would be very, very, very ticked off. At the very least, BIL and SIL could change the middle name, perhaps to whatever Uncle Ben’s middle and/or last name is or was. Otherwise, they are not even acknowledging that as they are honoring one relative, they are dishonoring another.
Full disclosure: One of my children is named Benjamin, called Ben. It’s an awesome name and there are many, many Bens around, of all ages (although none in the extended family because I try never to repeat first names of family members). Fortunately, my Ben relishes having such a “popular” name. However, when he was born I asked a family at the church we were attending if it was okay to use the name, as they also had a Ben, and they likewise consulted me when they had a baby if they could name that one the same name as one of my other kids. This was not a family I was close to and we moved away a few years later. If mere acquaintances could do this for each other, it is the very least that such near family members could do.
if this were an honor name in reference to your husband it would be so so sweet. because it’s pretty much explicitly not an honor name…it’s very very odd. i think you’re bang on to think this is weird.
In my family, male cousins have shared various first names for generations. My brother shares his name with a first cousin and I didn’t think he liked that–but now his son and his nephew have the same name and no one seems bothered. I am not dismissing your concern, but I think it can work if you decide to make it work.
One thing that I haven’t heard any commenters mention is the possibility that your husband may also change his mind! In 2-6years (or whenever) – if your plan for addition kids happens & one ends up being s boy – husband might say “My awesome nephew Ben is such a Ben to me, I no longer care about passing on this same name to my son. Let’s go with a different name.”
I can see where the panic stems but I think like Swistle said this isn’t an issue to be panicked about right now. But I also know from my own life that when an anxiety pops up even if it’s small or not urgent it can feel very big and urgent. And I want you to feel some relieve from that. So here are the routes you could go in (One day and you don’t have to decide now).
Choosing a Ben name that isn’t Benjamin or Ben – There are so many Ben names like Bentley , Bennett , Benson , Benaiah (thanks google!). That way you’d still be honoring him without causing a headache. If you were to go this route I’d probably lean towards Benson as he could be Ben , Benny , Benson or Sonny.
Switch the order – Switch the order so he’s Clark Benjamin instead of Benjamin Clark. The only issue I can see with this is that Clark and Chloe ride that fine line between too close and just fine. But Abigail and potentially another future daughter is going to be in the middle so it won’t trap you into a pattern.
Use your maiden name – I don’t know what your maiden name is or if you like it but it could be a great way to keep a family tie without using Benjamin. I also like Gannon for an honor but I don’t think Gannon Gannon works sadly.
Use another B name – Benjamin may be off the cards but Brennan , Brandon , Bradley , Barrett , Bridger , Bryant , Brock , Boston , Brett , Baron , Blaine or Beau could all make a great brother to Chloe and Abigail while still linking him to his pops.
Honor your husband through his interests – Does your husband have a favorite football player? A favorite book? Does he love the town he grew up in? People have it in their heads that an honor name has to be either their exact name or very similar. But in reality there’s only requirement – does it make you think of your husband when you say his name. That’s it.
A whole new name – The final option could be to just scratch the honor all together and go for a new name. After reading this if this is how you feel that’s okay. I’m not going to give you any suggestions right now as I don’t want to overwhelm you but I am here to help when and if you need it.
I hope this helped you put your mind at ease and congrats on Miss Abigail Elizabeth!
This is SO weird. Cousins having the same name isnt great but is workable. But literally naming your child with the same name as your brother and then saying it isn’t after him is SO WEIRD. (And Ben is the nickname for Benjamin, if he had gone for Bennett it would even be less weird).
People are going to assume nephew is named after his uncle. I’d honestly lean into it—gifts to Ben #2, talking about little Ben, calling myself Ben the older, etc. And still name your child Ben Jr.
I feel for the SIL, who wants to use her uncle’s name, but when you marry someone with relatives, you have to give up names sometime. It’s just weird.
My mother actually did this with my sister, and almost did it with my brother. My sister shares a name with my aunt (my mother’s sister) but it’s not an honor name. They just have the same name because it was a name my mom liked (my aunt always went by one shortened version, my sister by a different nickname). When my brother came along, one of my mom’s top choices was the same name as one of her brothers. She went with a different name, but had she gone with my uncle’s name, that wouldn’t have been an honor name either. I didn’t completely understand it, but it was never considered weird by anyone in the family (at least no one spoke up about it). There can also be a cultural aspect to this. My husband comes from a very large Hispanic family, and there are a LOT of repeating names among his cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc., but not all of them are meant to honor specific family members – they might be “family names” but they’re not *after* anyone, necessarily. I think a lot of us (myself included) are so often on the hunt for a “unique” name for our child, that we forget that a lot of people the world over don’t worry as much about kids having the same name as another (or multiple) other family members.
All that said, it sounds like in this case, for the letter writer’s family, it IS unusual and surprising, and I understand them feeling like it was weird and being upset. At the very least, I think her BIL could have asked his brother about it beforehand. But I also fall on the “use the name if you still love it when you have a boy” side of things precisely because I’ve encountered the trend elsewhere.
I agree with Swistle that it is not today’s problem, and if the question comes up by the time the next child comes along, they will have had more time to decide what they want to do.
Maybe I am alone in this but I disagree. Why must the SIL give up a name because there may be a junior in the future? There is no way to know if the poster will have a boy or not, so must be the SIL be banned from using names because of hypothetical babies? She has people she wants to honor, so why can’t she? I imagine they see the Ben name as a sweet connection with the uncle, even if not dirextly after him.
And let us not forget, the child will carry her husband’s last name, so why shouldn’t the first name honor her family? No one has monopoly on a name and people can amicably share names.
I think this is tomorrow’s problem that may perhaps never arise. And I understand the husband must be upset, but I hope things will settle.
I agree, from SIL’s viewpoint, that she shouldn’t be asked to give up a meaningful family name just because it happens to be the nickname of her BIL.
HOWEVER, I think the fact that they announced it via Facebook (not telling them in person or even over the phone) and then avoided the subject entirely (until Husband Ben brought it up), and that it is explicitly NOT supposed to be in honor of Husband Ben, make the whole thing seem a bit fishy. Add to that, they knew that Husband Ben and Letter-Writer Rachel were not finding out the sex (though they accidentally did) and decided to announce their choice on Facebook WAY beforehand, which makes me think that BIL&SIL purposely chose to make it known publicly first because they knew there might be some resistance or confusion from Husband Ben.
It feels like the BIL and SIL had to come to an agreement over what name they’d use, and Ben Clark won, and SIL was very clear that Ben was NOT for his brother, which feels like a bit of a slap in the face. They could have easily said they were using it to honor both people. They could easily use BIL’s first name, instead of Clark (of course, perhaps BIL’s middle name is also Clark, which is fine, but still). The could have flipped the name order. There are several things they could have done to differentiate, but it sounds like someone was insisting on Ben Clark and did NOT want to bring it up to Husband Ben or Rachel. That could have been BIL trying to avoid awkwardness, or SIL just not wanting to explain her choice (she doesn’t need to, really) but it does feel passive-aggressive.
It’s all been said and I agree. Just want to provide the proverb: ‘sufficient unto the day the trouble thereof’. It’s from the biblical book of Matthew and excellent advice.
Honestly, it is a really odd/weird/dare-I-saw ass-holey (maybe??) thing for BIL to do, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from reading Swistle’s blog over the years – no one “owns” a name. Not you, not your husband and not your in-laws. I say, state your feelings in a respectable manner (sounds like Hubby already did) and then move on. Don’t fret over this stuff and let it linger. It’s not worth it. Even IF in-laws were tacky and inconsiderate, just remember they don’t own the name either. You can still name a future baby boy any name you want. And don’t allow a duplicate name in your family to lessen the honor/happiness of your husband having a Jr.
You don’t seem to be crazily attached to the idea of having this Junior; it’s all your husband. You just want to avoid drama, and be supportive of your husband’s wishes. It honestly sounds like SIL may be a little passive aggressive. I agree with you that it seems weird and a bit inconsiderate, if not flat-out rude. I understand why you’d feel a bit shafted, at least on your husband’s behalf.
I don’t think you should reveal the baby’s sex. You weren’t going to before, and there’s no real reason to now. It won’t make things “better,” it might just make BIL/SIL feel like they “won,” which is feeding into the drama. However, I don’t think you should ever tell them that you knew, either. If your husband and BIL want to discuss the namesake issue when you aren’t around, fine. If your in-laws change their minds, fine; if they don’t, fine. Go about your life the same way you would have before: if it’s a boy, it’s Ben Jr, if it’s a girl, it’s Abigail Elizabeth. After all, ultrasound techs CAN be wrong, and are more often than you’d think, so you could potentially still have a boy, and if you are really only a few weeks apart, then you could easily give birth first.
If no one in the family thinks it’s weird that BIL is using Ben, then I hardly think anyone could protest your husband having a Junior, especially when he’s already expressed interest in it. BIL already knows that your husband wants to use the name, and doesn’t care, so you should adopt that attitude. Name your son Benjamin Clark Jr., if you do eventually have a son, and if your husband’s sentiments don’t change. Anyone who knows you and your family, and then finds out there is a Cousin Ben, will either
1) assume Cousin Ben is named for your Husband Ben,
or,
2) Not give it so much as a second thought.