Hello Swistle!
I just recently discovered your site and am amazed by what you do! I’d love to hear your thoughts on our current situation. We are expecting our second son at the very end of August and are having a terrible time agreeing on names this time around. Our first boy is Casen (Kay-sin) Parker and was such an easy name for us to agree on. Our surname is Roan (rhymes with bone). For the longest time, I had the name Grady picked out for another son, with no middle name in particular. My husband eventually agreed, but I think that’s because we hadn’t really found anything better. We also considered Callen and Nolan in the process, but they just weren’t “it.” Now that it’s getting closer to his arrival, my heart just isn’t into the name and I’m having trouble committing.
Someone recently suggested the name Barrett to us, which I melted – instantly fell in love. I love the potential nicknames (Bear, or Rett) and I was excited to use the middle name Henry (a family name) with it. BUT… after the high of the discovery, I remember my brother’s dog’s name is also Barrett. After discussing this with my mom whom I’m very close to, she is trying to talk me out of it and thinks it’s a bad idea. She knows I have a preference for uncommon names, and rattled off someone else who has used the name in the past 5 years. I’m also extremely worried that this will make my brother or his wife upset (I am more worried about the wife as she has a very… unique personality) and I am not the type of person to make waves. My husband also really likes the name, more so than any other we’ve discussed so far, which makes it really hard to turn away from.
So, my question is this: do I move forward with the new name we love, stick with the one we had already picked, or start from scratch? I appreciate any advice you have!
These are my thoughts:
1. I am very in favor of taking into account other people’s feelings about baby names, especially if someone else has already used the name you want to use. And, simultaneously, I am a “names are not one-time-use items and the other people weren’t the first ones to use it either” person.
2. I care very much less about using someone else’s PET’S name. That is, I don’t think pet names fall into the same sort of “be careful, be kind, take feelings into account” category I’d use for someone else’s child’s name. I had a cat named Oliver and so I chose not to use that name for Henry even though I wanted to (Paul said his mother would never have let it go, and did a credible imitation of her “joking” about “the boy who was named for a cat!” and it killed it for me), but if a friend had a cat/dog/rabbit/hamster named Oliver, I wouldn’t hesitate to use the name for a baby if I wanted to. Well, okay, I would hesitate, but I tend to be over-anxious about things; I think in the end the hesitation/anxiety would not kill the name for me.
3. You know better than we do how much of an issue this is likely to be for your sister-in-law. It’s easy for us to say ignore her or that she shouldn’t care, when we’re not the ones who have to deal with the possible fall-out. My hope is that even if your brother/sister-in-law didn’t like that you used the name, that it would not be a big deal and in time it would be no deal at all. But if you suspect they’re the sort of people who would never let it go, that may be a factor as it was for me when I thought about my mother-in-law never letting go of the cat’s name.
4. I think your mom didn’t immediately love the name Barrett and that’s why she’s mentioning the one other person she’s heard of with the name. According to the Social Security Administration, the name Barrett was the #213th most popular boy name in the U.S. in 2018, which is not very common at all. I wanted to reassure you here by comparing its popularity to the popularity of the name Casen, but that turned out to be challenging because of all the possible spellings: there were only 380 new baby boys named Casen in 2018, but another 500 named Cason, another 785 named Kason, another 693 named Kasen, another 420 named Kaysen, another 961 named Kayson, another 424 named Cayson, another 153 named Caysen, and so on. But with only those first eight spellings I thought of (and I don’t even know if those are the most common), we’re up to 4,316 Casen variants born in 2018; for comparison, there were only 1,802 new baby boys named Barrett that same year.
In summary, I’m in favor of you going ahead and planning to use this name that made your heart melt. I’d leave yourself open to finding other names you like better still, just in case such a name exists, but I wouldn’t let either your brother’s dog’s name or your mom’s tepid initial reaction put you off.
Name update:
Thank you so much for your thoughtful advice! I ended up chatting with my brother and his wife, and they were totally supportive of our name choice. But in the end, we found another family middle name that gave us a total change of heart.
We welcomed Grady Haze into our family on September 4th and had absolutely no reservations about our decision! Funny how things work out.
Here’s the deal about names, other people get used to them. When my mother heared my son’s future name for the first time she told me it “sounded like a hunting dogs name”. I used it anyways and it’s probably now her favorite of her grandkids names. So use Barrett is you wish, she’ll get used to it and I doubt your brothers dog goes by Bear or Rhett.
I know two boys named Cayson. One has a brother named Jackson and the other has two brothers named Gavin and Beckett.
I’d go ahead and use it BUT….I’d keep this under wraps until the baby is born. When you think there might be pushback, the best thing to do is announce it as a done deal. The focus is then rightly on the baby, and not on the petty flouncing of somebody who doesn’t like it. It takes way more nerve to fuss after the baby arrives, and people mostly don’t have the guts to go there.
My son is Barrett and he’s almost 7. We’ve met exactly one other kid with the name, and possibly heard another kid being called it in Ikea. We’ve lived in three different states so I think it’s safe to say it isn’t a common name. We call him Bear as a nickname.
As far as the dog issue- dogs don’t live forever.
If you like Grady and Barrett, what about Garrett?
You mention that you’re very close to your mother, which is great, but can also be a recipe for reinforcing certain habits of thought that you might be prone to anyways (not wanting to make waves, for example…or, if I’m reading your letter correctly, being convinced that she’s dead set against the name based on the fact that she pointed out something you’d consider a con about it). For that reason, I think you should try actually talking to your brother and sister-in-law if their reaction is really going to effect whether or not you decide to use the name. I know the dynamic in my family is often:
Me: Worried about some nuanced social dynamic.
My mom: Oh yes, I have been teaching you to worry about that since you were 5 years old and its very valid that you’re worried about that now.
My brother: What the heck are you people talking about?
I also think it’s ok if you decide you don’t care what your sister-in-law’s reaction to the name. You say she has a unique personality, so maybe it’s going to be something no matter what you do, so might as well get a name you love out of it. You also didn’t even remember the dog’s name at first, which suggests to me that the dog and how your sister-in-law is reacting to things is not an overbearing presence in your life. What matters is if you’re going to be able to enjoy the name.
My sister recently had a baby and named her the same name as my dog. They went to the hospital without a name and her husband was just throwing out suggestions. She didn’t realize it at first, until she shared the name with my mom. When I first found out I did think it was weird, but now we all just laugh it off. It’s really not a big deal to me. I say go for it!
Grady + Barrett = Garret
FWIW I love Grady- or there’s Brady or Beckett…
or Knox, Keene, Cyrus, Ryder, Easton, Wilder, Merritt, Marshall…
Also to add- on one branch of the family tree we have a Caden and Carsen sib set (spelling accurate for what they use)
We had one grandmother opposed to each of the names we chose for our kids. They got used to both of them and came to love them. (Although one of the kids in question went on to change names, but not for the reason the grandmother objected to it.)
I’d say use it! First, no one gets to “dibs” a name. Even it was another child, vice a pet, you could still use it. Two, this is a pet, whom you had completely forgotten about when you heard the name… Aka not a pet you are particularly attached to. You didn’t name your child after a pet. Third, your words “melted/fell in love” say it all. You love this name. So use it. And fourth, if your SIL makes it weird with jokes about not understanding who you are calling, use a family nickname since you have two you like.
This is completely workable. And if your SIL makes the birth of your child about her, well that speaks volumes about her. Your Mom is probably trying to avoid all conflict so she is is pushing you to another name…. This is normal, not something to take personally about her evaluation of the suitability of the name.
So, go forth with the name you love. Everyone will love the baby regardless of his name.
I’d say just use Barrett but wait until he arrives to announce it. Once he’s announced as Barrett hopefully that’s that and any opinions from others will be kept to themselves.
If you’re still not convinced then I’d go with Grady Barrett as the full name. Grady is such a nice name and so underused!
Others you may like based off your liking of Barrett, Grady, Callen, and Nolan…
Blake
Wyatt
Zane
Avery
Callum
Calder
Jonah
Elliott
Bennett
Beckett
Gavin
Morgan
Callahan
Kellan
Brady
Brody
Jacoby
Barrett and Casen make a really nice pair, and you seem to love this name, so it would be a pity not to use it…
And I’m wondering – are you sure that your SIL and/or brother will react in a negative way? If it was me, I would probably be a little surprised at first, but generally I would feel somewhat nobilitated that my SIL used for her SON a name that I gave my PET – for me that would mean I have chosen a really great name! (But obviously I don’t know the exact dynamics in your family.)
Garrett, Gareth, Jared, Darin/Darren, Devin, Morgan, Jordan, Fordon (my son’s name!), Forrest?
I think use it, if we all asked/cared about everyone’s naming ideas we would never get anywhere.
I have one massive caveat though; if you know (or suspect) that this pet is a substitute child to them then I would urge you not to use it. Unique as this person may be, I can understand the pain that someone having an actual child with that name would cause, even if it’s completely innocently, if they are having fertility or other issues. Even if they already have kids, this may be the name they would have used if they had one more go.
I named my youngest daughter the same name as my grandfather’s dog. I was concerned about this when I was pregnant with her and we were still deciding on her name. It’s turned out to be a total nonissue.
Not sure that it’s your style, but I wondered about Beresford? Nickname ‘Bear’ is still available, along with ‘Ford’ … And Beresford Henry is adorable.
I would probably honestly avoid it, not because they have dibs on the name or anything, but because I think the “jokes” would be endless. “Here are the Barrett cousins!” “Barrett you were named after a dog!” I mean, you know how much you see your brother and/or his dog, but I think people just won’t be able to resist. Especially since the dog is still living it sounds like. “Here’s my grandson Barrett and my grandpup Barrett.” I would be so constantly annoyed.
If you love the name enough that it would still give you happiness, even when he’s called the human-Barrett, then go for it. Otherwise, keep looking.
(And reread all of Swistle’s good advice about getting stuck on a second kid’s name because none of the names feel as perfect as the first kid’s name, but that’s also now because that first name is attached to a person you love. She says it better.).
Your note at the bottom resonated with me SO much. That is 100% our problem: Casen is our perfect name attached to this amazing little person we love. Thank you for pointing that out!
That’s a toughie. I probably wouldn’t use it but can really see it both ways.
If you decide to nix Barrett, I do really like Grady and Nolan for you. A few others:
Beckett
Griffin
Tobin
Everett
Emmett
Sayer
Garrett
Lyle
Spencer
Deacon
I wouldn’t personally use it, because I see my sister and her dog regularly, and the name of her dog (Toby!) i really only associate with her dog, who I helped pick out at the shelter and talked her into getting.
I don’t think you and dog-Barrett have this relationship, and it doesn’t really sound like you and your brother do either. How much time does your family spend at your brother’s house? I don’t know what the number would have to be to be too frequently to use the name, maybe for me it would “more than four times a year” or something like that.
I like the name Barrett, and I love it with a brother Casen. They go great together and I think you should use it. I think when your bro/SIL say something you say, “I know, mom pointed that out after we picked it out! You guys have great taste in names and hopefully the two Barretts will be special buddies!” And then end the conversation. Hopefully a little compliment in there can help diminish an overreaction from your SIL.
My mom gave me a middle name that also happens to be the first name of my cousin, and it’s not even a family name or anything. She just thought it sounded good with my first name. I’m just saying, not that long ago no one would’ve batted an eye at cousins having the same name, let alone a kid and his uncle’s dog.
It sounds like Barrett’s the dog’s name, and your child is likely to go by Bear or Rhett, so ok. Except then I said Bear Roan and cameup with baron, and Rhett Roan was iffy for me, too. So I think I’d go for Brady or Wyatt or Grayson, something that wouldn’t play up the r sound. Hudson, maybe? Or my unused favorite, Gregory?
My thought on naming the child the same name as a pet (not after a pet which is different). It depends on the SIL’s situation. Happily married with two kids and a dog that they are normal level attached to – no worries. Suffering from infertility, come to the realisation that they will probably never have children and get a dog to give her someone to lavish attention and mothering on, loves the dog like they would want to love a child – using the name would be cruel. You probably know which camp this is in. If it’s the first one and there is no additional emotional baggage I would ask them if it is ok.
I do like the name Brady for you. That could also go from Brady to Brady-Bear to Bear.
I was friends with a bloke named Bear in High School. I think his name was Sven??? We just called him bear cause he was really tall and he was a great goalie. If your son has bear-like attributes it will be an easy nickname to stick regardless of his name.