Dear Swistle,

Hello! I’ve been an avid reader for years and relied on so much of your naming advice when I was pregnant with my first in 2015. We named our son Rory Joaquin last name sounds like Out-in. We are expecting our second and final child, also a surprise, very soon–June 11. We are pretty certain of our girl name, Iris Paloma. I’m really second guessing our top contender for a boy name, Luca Ezequiel.

We chose Rory just because we liked it, and it was important for the middle to be a Spanish name to honor my Mexican heritage. Joaquin ended up being the perfect choice because it’s got geographic importance and is a family name a few generations back. We like that Rory isn’t too popular, is a name everyone is familiar with, and falls into lots of naming categories (Western, Irish/Celtic, Androgynous). We were so happy we had a boy because we never were confident with our girl name during my first pregnancy. This time around we came up with an entirely new set of girl names, and Iris Paloma manages to honor both sides of my family in interesting ways that make me really happy.

My issue with our boy name is that there’s not really a family connection to either name. We have a positive association with the name Luca after traveling to Italy in 2013, but I also worry that it’s much more popular than Rory, and wonder if it makes an imbalanced sibling set. I like Ezequiel because I love the way it sounds in Spanish, but again, I’d be choosing it just because.

Other names that made it to our short list but have been eliminated for reasons (we know people or babies with these names, they create problematic initials, would have the repeating N sound for the first and last name, or are too popular:
Adrian
Bram
Harrison
Sebastian
Wesley

Other names still in the running:
Felix (husband has been lukewarm about the name, and could not be paired with Ezequiel because initials would be problematic)
Noel (pronounced the English way, but I’m also happy with the way it sounds in Spanish, concerned it may be too confusing for other people, would probably also need a different middle)

Ultimately, I don’t know if I like either of these names any more than Luca, though at times I’ve even questioned if Luca Out-in sounds good. Do the A and the O run into each other in an unflattering way? Is my problem that I am using a stale name list for a boy after having used my two favorites on my first child? I’ve tried to find other family names for the middle, but they pale in comparison to Joaquin. The only new name I’ve come up with is Rio. It means river in Spanish, and has geographic significance, which are pluses. The possible downside is that our recently departed cat was named River, and if used as a first name it’s a repeat R first initial which I would have preferred to avoid. I don’t know if either of these should be dealbreakers.

Is it fine to choose a first and a middle for a boy just because and skip the chance of using an honor name? Have I overthought this?

Thank you so much for your consideration,

Christina and Nick Out-in

Here is the factor I would immediately eliminate from any and all consideration: That the name Rio means River, and your recently-departed cat was named River. (I too might avoid Rory and Rio, but I think Rio makes a really good middle-name candidate, and that the cat’s name is a non-issue.)

Here is the factor I would like to reassure you about: It is absolutely common for parents to use a name of family significance for a first child and have no family names left that they want to use for subsequent children. And in this case, the first child’s middle name’s significance seems sufficiently diluted; I could be way off, but it sounds from the letter more like you chose it because you liked it and it was Spanish and it had geographical importance, and then happily it also turned out to appear in your family tree. That is, it is not as if you named your first child to honor a close and beloved family member, and now feel the second child’s name should have some similar significance—though in that case, too, I’d be attempting to convince you that it really is okay to have one honor name you want to use and not have any others. But I also do love honor/family names, and so if you DID wish for a middle name of that kind of significance, I think it would be fun to look through the family tree and see if you can find anything else you like. But you have already done that, and if you CAN’T find any family names you want to use, I absolutely think it’s fine to pick something because you love it; also, I think the fact that it is Spanish means it already DOES have family significance, in that it is chosen to honor your side of the family. Have I gone back and forth enough times on this to demonstrate how much I believe you can do exactly what you PREFER here? It IS absolutely fine to choose names because you love them and not because they have family significance.

Relatedly, it is absolutely natural and makes complete sense that you would use your favorite names on your first child, and therefore have only less-favorite names left for subsequent children. Sometimes it happens that parents use their favorite name for the first child, and by the time a second child is born a NEW favorite name has risen to the same level of love as the first child’s name; but if this doesn’t happen, of COURSE the second-favorite and third-favorite (and so forth) names are less loved than the first-favorite. This, combined with the way the first child’s name has since then become fully associated with the actual child, can make parents feel as if NO name is good enough for the second child, which is why I recommend parents not make the goal to find a name they like as much as the first child’s name.

Where was I? Oh, yes: I think Rory and Luca go beautifully together. I don’t notice the popularity gap, and I like the way both names have unisex usage in the United States. I like that both have the same number of letters and syllables, and both end in vowels—not that that matters so much, just that it’s pleasingly tidy. I like that both middle names are Spanish. Really, I think you’ve done a very nice job here and that this is most likely to be last-minute cold feet.

If you WANT to keep looking, or if the name just isn’t sitting right with you, I do also like Noel from your list—though I don’t like that it makes a “lout” sound with your surname. I know it’s off your list now, but I also love Wesley. Rory and Wesley! Felix pleases me a little less because of it’s almost exclusive usage for boys. (Wesley too is not as unisex as the name Rory, but its gentle sound and vowel-ending help compensate for that.)

More possibilities:

Blake
Brennan
Brody
Carter
Casey
Connor
Ellis
Finley
Harris
Jules
Keller
Kieran
Lane
Lyle
Niall
Quincy
Shea
Spencer

You’ll notice I left on some names that don’t meet your preferences (ending in -n, too common); I thought about taking those off, but sometimes seeing one name can lead to thinking of another name, so in the end I left them all.

Name update:

Dear Swistle,

Almost a year later, I have an update. Writing to you was on my pandemic to do list.
We had a baby girl in June 2019! We named her Iris Paloma and I’m in love with her and her name. I lucked out both times getting to use the names I was most excited about. Your advice and your readers’ was helpful in calming me down about a problem that wasn’t really there. I think the beauty of your blog and community is getting to talk over naming concerns with other people who care about names at the same obsessive level. Thank you so much!!

Christina