Dear Swistle,
I am writing you regarding my 16 months old little boy’s name. I come from another country and together with my husband, we chose a name coming from that country.
I have felt quite a bit of regret about the name since he was about 4 months old, as I had assumed that it would be easier for people to pronounce and deal with a silent letter. Life happened and we did not change the name, and while I thought about using his middle name instead, it would not have solved the problem as it is also a foreign name (Yes, he has two foreign names. I blame pregnancy hormones, and my husband was not particularly bothered by the idea I guess). Anyway, I now worry that my child is going to struggle with his name.
It is too late to change his name at this point, but I have been thinking about two possibilities that involve adding a more common name (either middle or first):
– Either adding a second middle name to my child’s name, in the event that he prefers later to have a name that is easier to deal with daily,
– Or adding it as a first name, and moving his current first name in the middle spot. If he wants to keep using his foreign name, he will have to specify it. That does not sounds quite fair though and I am not sure my husband will be on board.
Which option do you think is best?We are thinking of:
– Noah, which is pretty common for his birth year, but not so much in his state,
– Hugo, which is keeping a euro-style but might be too rare,
– Elliott.Either way, if he prefers to change his name, I think using a middle name would be easier on him than figuring out a new name which is why I want to add one now.
I want to let him know at some point that it is totally ok if he wants to change his name, but I am not sure at what age it is appropriate to do so? I imagine that as he grows and possibly ask questions about this we will figure it out, but I wonder if you or your readers have any advice about how to go about it?
I have discovered your blog after I named my baby (wish I discovered it before) and I like your and your readers’ approach to naming so I hope I am not sounding too crazy and you have an opinion about this.
Thanks for reading me.
Hm. I am not sure what I think. My first thought was that it seemed simplest and best to add another middle name, and that you should pick whichever one you liked best: sort of a do-over of the naming process, but this time for a potential future back-up name. Easiest to do, easiest to explain (you wouldn’t even have to tell most people you’d done it), and covers the just-in-case without making a dramatic and potentially unnecessary change. I went to school with a kid who had a difficult and unusual first name, and he Made It His in a way that made him much cooler to the rest of us. Teachers struggled with it on the first day of class, but all the kids knew it from years of being in school with him. But kids have different temperaments, and one kid’s Rocking It is another kid’s Self-Conscious, so having a middle name he can fall back on seems nice.
My second thought was that you wouldn’t even necessarily need to do a legal name change to have another name he can go by. I went to school with a Gary who went by Jay: it wasn’t part of his name, he just…went by Jay. On the first day of class, we were all reminded that his name was actually Gary, but the rest of the year he was just Jay to everybody. Your son could choose his own name, or you could right now start using another name as a nickname, without doing anything formal.
My third thought was about possible future siblings. What you do with your son’s name now may affect what you want to do with his siblings’ names, if he will have siblings. It doesn’t HAVE to affect it: many people use a different style of name for a firstborn, sometimes because of honor names, or sometimes because their style changes after they have a real-life baby in their lives. Still, this is something I’d want to think out ahead of time. For future children (if you’re planning any), do you think you will make different style choices with their names? And would you prefer their names to coordinate with your son’s, or is it fine if they’re different? This may influence whether you’d prefer to go with FirstName NewMiddle Middle or NewFirst Firstname Middle.
My fourth thought was a favorable feeling toward changing the legal first name while continuing to call him the name you’ve been calling him. This would be the highest level of hassle: his name would need to be changed at the doctor’s office, on insurance forms, on his Social Security card—everything. And then after that it would be a regular small hassle: remembering to say his legal first name when you arrived at a doctor appointment, explaining to the preschool that he goes by his middle name, calling the health insurance company once again to explain that the referral was accidentally written with your son’s middle name, etc. But many, many kids go by their middle names, and it seems like the kind of minor hassle that becomes routine with time. Overall, though, I keep balking at this plan, mostly because I remember approximately how tired I was with a 16-month-old child, and the thought of handling court and documents and Social Security at a time like that makes me feel retroactively overwhelmed.
My fifth thought is maybe he could go use his first and middle initials as a nickname.
My sixth thought is to wonder whether we could just let this whole thing work itself out. Right now you’re in a stage of life where your baby is meeting a whole lot of people for the first time, so his unusual name is an issue again and again. But pretty soon he’ll be encountering the same people again and again: the same teacher, the same classmates, the same pediatrician. Maybe then it’ll be only an occasional issue, and will seem less in need of a solution. And as the child gets older, you’ll start to get an idea of what HE thinks of it: maybe he’ll complain about his name, or maybe he’ll love it, or maybe a nickname will evolve on its own. If he complains, you have some solutions all set to go, and he can pick what he likes best; if he loves his name, and/or a nickname chooses itself, you won’t have gone to a lot of trouble for nothing.
As to the question about when to introduce the concept of a name change to him, I’d let that happen naturally too. One of my kids had the opposite issue: a name much more common in our state than nationwide, so that there were three boys with his name in his preschool class. All three boys went by the name plus a surname initial; in my son’s case, saying those together fast sounded similar to another name, so that sometimes someone would think that other name was his name. At some point, maybe the next year during enrollment when I was filling out the “prefers to be called” part of the registration form, I asked him casually if he’d prefer to be known by that other name, and he said no, he thought it was fun to belong to “the club” of people with his same name. He was about four or five years old then, and was able to consider the topic. My point is that I don’t think you’ll need to pick a time to tell him it’s fine if he wants to change his name; I think it’ll come up naturally, and that he’ll know how you feel about it by how you talk about his name in general and how you respond to the things he says about his name.
My husband has s Serbian name with a silent letter. He struggled with teachers who couldn’t/wouldn’t pronounce it but as an adult he’s proud of his name & the connection it provides to his ethnicity, family, etc.
I’d give him a middle name and continue to call him by his name. People can either get used to it or not! I just want to say anecdotally that my SIL started going by her middle name when she was like 17 years old. My husband said she had no explanation she just … started going by her middle name and after a while it was just the name everyone called her!
I did this- I started going by my middle name when I went to college. My two best friends growing up had my same name, and it just felt like…..not me? I’m now mid-thirties and still use my middle. My family and oldest friends still call me by my first name, and it feels almost like a secret nickname.
I definitely think you should keep it as-is and let him figure it out in the future if he wants to. If you wants a different name he’ll choose one in the future.
I have a son with a foreign first name (and middle too)that is uncommon here (and involves a silent letter) and definitely had second thoughts early on when introducing him to people. Then when we were back visiting my husband’s family and his name easily flew off the tongue there, it reminded me that we didn’t make up a name. It’s legitimate and a part of his heritage. Now he’s in preschool and it’s a non issue. His name is his name is his name; the kids don’t know it’s not run of the mill. Now I have zero regrets. Hoping the same will be true for you!
Good point, AJ! I hope this is a great reminder for letter-writer.
I understand how frustrating it is to have new people stumble over your sons unfamiliar name, and you are kind to be conscientious of the idea that your son might struggle with it also.
My own first name contains at least two spelling clarifications (think Sarah with an “h”) plus its hyphenated (which is its own battle) and I usually have to clarify the capitalization of the post-hyphen name. While it’s altogether not unfamiliar, it is distinct and I’m pretty shy, hating at some times in my life that I wasn’t another Britney or Jennifer to blend into the pack and not have the awkward attention thrown on me every time I was introduced. The lifeboat for me in those seasons has always been knowing that I was gifted my name name with careful intent. In my childhood and resentful teenage years I used that as explanation/apology for awkwardness, but now in my adulthood it is the foundation for deep appreciation for that will always override any awkwardness.
You describe your persistent name regret starting when he was ~4mo, realizing others found it difficult to pronounce. To me it sounds like you chose a name you loved for your son and are just disappointed and frustrated in others reactions to it. I would typically advise any parent to listen to their heart in choosing a name they love for their child, rather than caving to the prescribed accepted norm. The reality seems that there is going to be a continued/lifelong struggle with his name, and IT’S OK! It’s OK if you want to keep his name and let them struggle, and it’s OK if you want to change his name so that he doesn’t have to deal with that. Names are so much a part of our immediate identity that what’s *not* OK, in my humble opinion as a total internet stranger, is if you don’t love and defend his name, to do that for him as his parent, to teach him how to do that for himself. If you can’t remember why/if you love his name, then change it, and change it without embarrassment and love and defend that change. <3
Swistle has some great thoughts as always, and whatever you decide will be the right decision!
Hugo, Noah, and Elliott are all great, too!
I wouldn’t go to any trouble to change his name. I know lots of people with foreign names; people can handle it once they get used to the pronunciation. I completely agree with Swistle that it will get easier as he gets older. I also like the idea of letting him decide if there is something else he would like to be called.
My advice is to go forth with confidence that his name fits him, and if he ever decides that it doesn’t, he can help you address it then.
I like Swistle’s idea of introducing a nickname without making it part of his legal name.
After that, I like the idea of adding a second middle name to allow him the option later.
I have seen that this is often a really loaded issue for parents raising their children outside their countries of origin–and I know I don’t understand all the complexities of the feelings there. My answer is based on my assumption that it serves your son best to have as many options as possible, to cover the whole spectrum of possibilities: Maybe he’ll want his name to make a statement about his heritage (in which case he’ll be happy to have the original name), maybe he’ll want his name to blend in well with those around him (in which case Noah or Elliott does the trick)–or maybe he’ll want to be able to choose depending on the various situations throughout his life.
I went to school with a lot of first- and second-generation Chinese-American kids whose parents had offered up Americanized sound-alikes for their given names. That was in the 90s, and I see that today, in the same county where I grew up, parents are doing that quite a bit less. I chalk that up to globalization and (locally) positive changes in the way people regard and respect cultural difference.
I feel I have to emphasize that I realize those positive changes aren’t universal!
My son (5) goes to a very diverse school where I wouldn’t know how to pronounce around 90% of the kids’ names just by looking at them. However, everyone quickly learns each other’s names and even with 4-5 year olds, they never have an issue pronouncing their friends’ names. I think as he gets older, this will be less of an issue. I have a feeling you will eventually be happy that you chose the name you did!
This is our kids’ experience, as well. Our school really celebrates its multiculturalism and we are so grateful for that!
I think it’s likely that people mispronouncing his name will become less of a concern as time goes on. I also think it would be fairly easy to find some books to read to him with characters who have real names and nicknames and then play “if you had a nickname like that, what do you think would be fun?” to introduce the idea that he can have some control over this if he wants. Or, do you have a foreign sounding name? You could provide him an example by using something more common occasionally at places like Starbucks (my friend Pasha is Josh at Starbucks), and then start a conversation with him when he’s older about how it makes things easier but there are also other considerations.
Also, I would say trust your husband. If I’m reading your letter correctly, he’s originally from the country where you are currently living while you are not…so it may be that his instincts for how big of a deal it is to have a difficult to pronounce name are closer to what will be your son’s actual experience.
Our sons both have names which, although uncommon, I *thought* would be much more familiar to people than it turns out they are. I guess I do have a touch of name regret, but once your son is a little older and you read the list of his contemporaries on the school register, I think you will feel reassured. There is much more name diversity in your son’s age group than would be in yours, and certainly the children in my son’s class don’t recognise his name as being any different from anyone else’s. It’s just his name. If you do decide to change anything officially I suggest that you have an extended trial period – you may find that he “is” his name now, and that you would be sad to lose that.
I certainly agree with Swistle that it will get easier as he gets older and the people in his life are more constant. He will also find a way of clarifying how to pronounce/spell his name that he is comfortable with.
My suggestion is use the new/Americanized name informally only for right now, and if he expresses a desire when he’s old enough to do so you could legally change it then (a good time might be when he’s in middle school or so – that way his high school, work history, and other “adult” papertrails would all be under the changed name if he wants to use that name). From my personal experience most employers, etc. do NOT care about providing a name changed at a young age like that when they ask for other names you’ve used (in fact if anything going by another name that isn’t your legal name as an adult would mean listing both the official and unofficial name on background checks whereas they usually don’t even care about childhood name changes if the name was never used once you were of an age where it’d be relevant).
Another point: It’s a little different when for example interacting with the government where your birth certificate would be relevant (if that’s what Swistle was trying to get across) – I’m talking about routine criminal/credit/etc. history checks where a name changed at the ages we’re talking about would have no practical significance.
My mother named me after her father. His name was Homer and mine is Homa. I was always the pause in roll call the first day of school. And since we moved quite often, I have more first days than most. It was frustrating because it wasn’t that hard. Until I went to college I went by my first name and middle name. Now I identify so strongly with my first name that it is my grandmother-name and I let my students call me by my name. And I am proud to be named after my grandfather. He was a great man.
There’s a little Saoirse at my daughters daycare and while it took all the grownups a week or two to get it down correctly, all of the 1 and 2 years olds pronounce it without a problem. I’m sure part of the difference is that they just hear a name as where when you read something you might have an expectation of how to pronounce it. I think coming up with ideas of how to help people pronounce it will be less frustrating to you now, and your son can use them later. For instance, people often misspell my name (there’s not a lot of young-ish Jeans is the world!) so i tell them “It’s spelled like pants, not like Simmons.”
I like the idea of sticking with it. You made a good and loving choice, and the world is a diverse place and his name reflects a big part of who he is. If eventually your son brings up frustrations with his name, you can ask if he wants to go by something else, and maybe he becomes “T” or something like that, as a nickname (are they any obviously easy nicknames from his name?).
I also want to say that for many years I desperately wanted to be Jessica. By the time I was in college I appreciated that my mom didn’t let me change my name (I begged). My name meant a lot to her, and I’m glad to have it.
I have a relatively unique name, growing up and even now I often have to spell it, correct pronunciation or let them know it is my first name, not my last. While it can get a smidge annoying I wouldn’t change my name because of the connection I have to my mother and why she picked it. It is also really easy to find an email address (random, I know).
I gave my son a name that I thought was common enough to avoid pronunciation issues or at least pronounced close enough to how it looks. Nope. We get DEE-clan, DUH-clan, and DeckLAND. At this point, we just smile and keep correcting it and move on. Outside of the Emmas and Lilys and Sams and Johns there just may be issues with new names.
Don’t change his name! We gave our oldest daughter a name that is unfamiliar to most people that hear it (it’s from a different country). Once they get to know her, they are fine with her name. Her preschool has the biggest assortment of names and the kids all just roll with it. I think these days “unusual” names are just less unusual!
I don’t think you need to change it. We had to do a legal name change for my son when he was about that old (there was a clerical error giving him 2 last names instead of 2 middle names) and it was really quite tedious.
If it makes you sad to hear his name pronounced incorrectly or deal with the extended name convo every time, I think it’s fine to just pick a nickname that you think suits him, whether or not it is related to his name. E.g., “This is Wojtek, but we usually call him Jojo” and move on with your day! Or does he pronounce his own name in a way that lends itself to a nickname? Maybe he will as he grows more into toddlerhood!
Aww, you’ve mentioned Wojtek (Wojciech)! It’s a very cute name, although I can imagine it can be pretty hard and confusing to pronounce for English-speakers:) (It’s currently a quite popular choice for parents in Poland – no. 9 on the list of most popular boys names in 2018.)
I had a Wojtek in my high school 20yrs ago. My family is actually of Polish descent so we got it but I’m sure it was difficult for him growing up in NC.
Have you considered giving your son an American nickname based off his legal name?
Like another commenter mentioned, perhaps use his first initial (or first and middle initials!) to create a nickname. Or is there a one-syllable nickname that could be pulled from his first name? Or does the meaning of his name translate to something easy in English? These strategies have been common throughout time to assimilate to a new country’s culture.
Example:
Baban could be Bob
Navak could be Vak
Fyodor could be Theo
Rurik could be Rock
Shahzad could be Shaz
Roshan could be Russ
Kirit could be Kit
It sounds like you’ve given your son both history and heritage with his current name. Versitility isn’t a bad thing to add to those.
How wonderful that your son has a mother who is so diligent for his acceptance. You’re doing a great job!
I had this thought too! Seems likely that there is an easy nickname if the letter writer would like to use that. Also we have a Theo who somehow got the nickname “Bob” as a baby. He goes by both names and we’ve had people not realize it wasn’t his real name until we get to know them better. I doubt it will stick around forever but it just works for our family.
Dying of cuteness over here, “Baby Bob!”
*heart eyes*
I know two sisters who were born to a 1st gen Asian American mom and a white dad, and they were given American first names and Japanese middles. They both go by their beautiful Japanese middle names as adults, despite being called “Crystal” and “Bethany” as kids. I think Swistle is totally correct here – you are introducing your kiddo to so many new people right now that you’re confronted with the uniqueness of his name often. That will definitely change as he gets older. I would probably leave his name as-is right now and if he wants to as an older kid or adult, he can absolutely change it. I go by a nickname of my full name exclusively, and I chose it in about 4th grade.
As most commenters before me, I also think that you probably should stick to your boy’s original name at least for now, and let HIM decide whether this name is a burden for him or not when he will be older. (Using a nickname familiar for English-speakers in a daily life could be a really good compromise in a mean time.)
However, if this complicated name really, really bothers you, maybe using an Americanized form of this name could be an option? (For example, changing Franciszek for Francis or Krzysztof for Christopher.) If your son’s name doesn’t have an English equivalent, maybe a slight change in its spelling would be possible (like ditching that silent letter)?
(But I’m just theorizing since we don’t know what exactly is the name in question.)
I thought I would comment as someone who had a childhood friend with an “unusual” and non-American name. As a child, it never occurred to me that her name was anything special or different–it was just her name! I am sure that as she moved into her adult life, it wasn’t always so straightforward, but i never thought twice about how to say or spell her name when we were in school together.
I agree. Little kids often don’t know that a name isn’t “American” or common, and it’s simply not that big a deal to them.
I went to elementary school with boys from a family with Egyptian first names and American middle names. Their parents wanted the middle names in case they had problems with their Egyptian first names – and it never became an issue in our fairly white, fairly rural town. I don’t think your son’s uncommon name will be a big deal, truly.
As someone with a ridiculously long and ethnic name, it is a nightmare for me to go anywhere beyond my community. My name is mispronounced all the time, and it is a nightmare to spell (29 letters in formations that are very rare). Yet I would not change it for the world. Despite the mess and annoyance, it is a very clear link to my heritage which I am fiercely proud of. I would never change it. I cannot imagine changing my name to make others comfortable, eveb with a last name of 16 letters.
Do not change his name While it may cause trouble and annoyance, I believe your son will come to appreciate and love his name.
Plus, even common names are mispronounced!
I would leave his name as is! If when he is older and can voice his own opinions he can always change his name – either casually (yes my name is Gary but I go by Jay) or formally. I know several people who chose to change their names in high school. One day they just said “please call me by my new name” and we all did without much hassle.
It’s also common for people from Asia to have “American names” that are used at work but not legal names.
My point is that if he finds the name challenging later it’s easy to adjust. If you change it now it will be much harder to go back to his given name. You picked the name because it was special and a reminder of your heritage. This name is a gift you have given your son!
Americans pronounce Tchaikovsky and Pfeiffer just fine. Keep your son’s name the way it is.
+1 to keeping the name as is!
-It might be helpful to rehearse a script for teaching people the name.
“Yeah, his name is spelled J-O-H-A-N, but you say it YO-hahn, yep, that’s how you say it!”
“The J is actually pronounced like a Y!”
“It’s YO-han.”
Friends of mine that successfully navigated professional life with their very cool, very international names intact. “Foreign” is a relative term! We all have a name that’s foreign somewhere!
Jelena (YELL en uh)
Majken (Mai-kin)
Geetika (GEE-ti-kuh)
Eva (pronounced EV-uh)
I learned them all, and I love their names.
2. If a nickname helps temporarily, definitely free to use one.
Oops, it’s Ewa (Polish spelling ) pronounced EV-uh.
As a foreigner with a kind of tricky name (spelled identically in both English and Polish, but should actually be pronounced “Yo-an-na”, and Maria in Polish has only 2 syllables when said aloud: “Mar-ya”), I can add that it’s not a problem (at least for me) when someone pronounces my name “the English way”. I can imagine that constantly having to explain the correct pronounciation could be tiring, but when it happens only from time to time it isn’t such a big deal. When I was at the university we had a class with an English professor and he was pronouncing the names like mine (or my friend’s Julia and many others) like all English speakers would instinctively do (for example Julia instead of “Yul-ya”), and we’ve never even bothered to correct him for the whole semester.
*(Now when I think of it, our professor was actually Canadian not English, but I guess my point is still valid.)
I’m also wondering if it just might work out ok in the end, once your child is in school. There are some really unusual names in my kids’ elementary and middle school and my kids just think those names are normal.
My son does have a boy in his class who is known as Jimmy, but his legal name is from his Hmong heritage. It’s something like Txci. So you could just see if a nickname evolves (or pick one out) and then use that nickname in school if you wanted to. Eventually your son can decide what he prefers.
Second guessing the name…. Nuts, that is tough. I’m so sorry you are in that place. It is no fun. And good for you for seeking out advice and opinions so you know what your options are and how you can adjust your path ahead.
So what to do.
I’d only go a legal change route if you have a name that sticks. Don’t change anything until you have one name and everyone is using it. Adding a second middle name but not using it seems a tad premature. If he wants a different name later, change then, when he gets a voice. Otherwise it is a lot of work for very little actual daily benefit.
My second comment is at 16 months, the little guy will probably be responding to his name. So when you switch, it may cause him a bit of confusion. Doesn’t mean don’t do it, but perhaps factor similar sounds into the choice of the new name.
Third, it doesn’t have to be a legal name to stick. I get emails from people with 27 letter first names. But a shorter nickname is normally listed in the signature block and that is how they are known. Other than some corporate emails systems, really the only time you have to use a legal name is the doctors, immigration and your taxes. Really, legal names are an issue for paperwork, not day-to-day life.
My advice is to try out some nicknames at home and see how it goes. Do any seem right? How does he respond? Once you think you have found one, try it out with some friends you trust. If this feels right, like a weight off your chest, then go forth and use more widely. Only then consider a permanent change. If you find yourself going back to his birth name, you have an answer too.
Good luck! And know that this uncertainty does pass. Uttering his name should bring you joy. I hope you find that joy in whichever solution you choose to pursue.
Piling on here. Our little town is not terribly diverse, but my daughter’s elementary grade had names ranging from Nepalese to Hawaiian to Indian to traditional Irish to Swedish to Ryder and Maverick ( which for me is the hardest to get used to, fuddyduddy that I am.) None of them made her blink an eye. Your son will be fine.
Yet another vote for keeping the name and letting it work out over time. For what it’s worth, three of my kids are currently going by nicknames that don’t all come from their current names. My oldest is using a completely unconnected name and may legally change it. Another child is using her middle name, and the third is using a nickname from her middle name. Kids have a way of figuring out what they want to be called. When he’s older, if he finds his name too frustrating, let him pick a nickname to go by, something he really likes and feels connected to.
I agree with everyone who said that as the world becomes more diverse, unusual names will be much less of a problem. The current generation is probably much more used to strange spellings, foreign names, and invented names. The kids in his school are unlikely to blink at your son’s name.
This post reminded me of this NYT piece:
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/09/opinion/sunday/immigrants-refugees-names-nguyen.html
I’m with the plurality here who would not change the child’s name.
Another vote for not changing his name. I think figuring out a nickname could work, but they often stick better if you let them come around naturally.
For what it’s worth, I named my daughter a name that (while not necessarily popular in real life) is relatively well-known on a few characters from my generation’s pop culture, so I thought I wouldn’t have much trouble with spelling/pronunciation. I was wrong. I’d say 50% of people spell it incorrectly, and probably 30% say it incorrectly the first time they see it. I still love her name, though, and even my MUCH more popular name also gets spelling/speaking errors, so don’t sweat it too much.