Hello,
My husband and I are expecting our first child in March. We opted to not find out the gender and have nailed down our girl name, but our boy name, or should I say middle name, is uncertain. My husband’s family has the following naming requirements for first born males; first name is James, middle name must start with “A.” His last name is very common, Thompson.
One of our faves middle names is Anderson, however, I think the duplicate ending “-son” is an issue.
There are not many A male names that we both like other considerations are Austin and Alexander.Other things that impact the name, if we have additional children I would like to use a family surname as a first name and thought Anderson is a surname and would be a cool linkage between all names.
Please dissect away! And thank you for your help.
I would love to see your husband’s family’s naming tradition die out. This may be an ill-advised third cup of coffee + a decade of dealing with baby-name letters talking, but how much longer are we going to let men take decisions away from women by claiming “tradition”? How many men would accept a situation in which the woman said the tradition in her family was to use her own surname for the children, plus her own first name, plus a middle name starting with a particular letter? Sorry, honey, I’d love to let you have input on your child’s name, but I can’t: it’s tradition in my family to take that decision away from the fathers.
Or could we just change ONE of their three requirements, since you can’t find an A- name you like? What if the baby has his father’s family surname AND the first name his father’s family has chosen, but YOU get to choose a middle name AND it doesn’t have to start with an A? Is there no crumb you can be thrown here? Must a tradition be allowed to force you to choose a name you DON’T LIKE for your child? Why is the tradition (which has no feelings and doesn’t care at all if it’s followed or not) being given priority over you?
Sigh. Fine. Husband and his family will get to choose everything, and we will help find an A- name you don’t hate. I would start by looking in your family tree for A- names and surnames. And at the very, very least, YOU should get the full decision about WHICH A- name to use: you should not have to find an A- name you BOTH like, especially when there are so few of those. I wish your husband had been the one to apologetically suggest that it would help make the situation more fair if you got to choose YOUR favorite middle name from the list he and his family have severely restricted to names beginning with A-; but since he has apparently not done so, I will be the one to suggest it.
I don’t think there’s any problem with the repeating -son, if Anderson is the middle name, unless the tradition dictates that you will be saying the names a lot—for example, if the boys in the family are known by their middle names, or by first-and-middle. If you use Anderson later as a first name, the -son/-son issue will be much more apparent.
I’m sure you’ve pored repeatedly over the A- section of the baby name book, so I doubt we can suggest anything you haven’t already thought of, but sometimes hearing others express enthusiasm for a name can be helpful. If it were me, and if I had been altered in such a way that I was not kicking and screaming but instead was allowing Paul and his family to continue this tradition of hogging the name decision, here are the names I would have on my list:
James Abraham Thompson
James Achilles Thompson
James Adrian Thompson
James Aidric Thompson
James Aladdin Thompson
James Alan Thompson
James Albert Thompson
James Albus Thompson
James Alcott Thompson
James Alfred Thompson
James Alistair Thompson
James Ambrose Thompson
James Anders Thompson (not if you want to save Anderson)
James Apollo Thompson
James Archer Thompson
James Arlo Thompson
James Arrow Thompson
James Arthur Thompson
James Atticus Thompson
James Avery Thompson
With a very common first name and a very common surname, I’d be looking for a distinctive middle name. I probably wouldn’t go as far as Achilles or Aladdin, but I’d want to consider them. My guess is that I would end up with Abraham (for Lincoln), Alcott (for Louisa May), Alfred (just really like it), or Arlo (just really like it).
“…it’s tradition in my family to take that decision away from the fathers.”
:STANDING OVATION:
That being said, I think Anders is a great option. I also like Atticus.
Angus or Augustus. I love them as first names, because you can get Gus from them and I love me some Gus. But they would jazz up your two common names on either side. I think that’s what you want in this situation when all other choices have been taken from you. JAZZ.
I like Apollo, too. Go big or go home.
My son is James Anthony! It’s a pretty common combination, but it’s meaningful to me.
As for the legacy name and traditions, they can be fun…I agreed to give my oldest a IV name under the condition that I get to pick all the other kids names no arguments, but I still kind of regret not getting to give my oldest a name that I really love. He’s 7 now though and he likes that he has the same name as his dad and grandfather and great grandfather, so I guess it’s not all bad. I do sometimes worry about credit stuff getting mixed up particularly with my husband and his dad (who has terrible credit) but so far it hasn’t been an issue.
Of your pics I like Austin best, and of Swistle’s suggestions I like Abraham.
I agree you should have a serious conversation about whether you are going to continue with this tradition. But if you do, I like James Alexander. And I was also going to suggest James Anders or Andrew in lieu of Anderson. Abraham, Archer, Arlo, and Arthur are good, too.
At least it’s not an impossible initial to work with, but still… I’m for ditching the whole thing and starting from scratch.
I also like Allen as a middle.
Yeah, I wouldn’t be agreeing to this tradition either. Although I do actually love the name James so hopefully you love it too? I’d choose a place name that was significant to me or a person in my family (are there any A people you could use) or just my favourite A name. Or a fun word name like Adventure or Arrow or Assurance. Have as much fun with this name as you can. Or I would tweak the name and add a second middle name and just choose a name I loved.
Tell it, Sister.
Amen, Swistle. A. Men.
Ibgre up with an Arno. So throwing that name out for consideration. Easy to say and spell.
I completely agree with Swistle, and also think that you should at least get a right to choose whatever middle name you like. (Although James is a really great name so I wouldn’t pull my hair out over it in this particular case – thankfully his family naming tradition doesn’t require you to name the baby Adolf of something like that!)
Some other options for a not-so-common A-name:
Alvin
Axel
Artemis
Armand
Anselm
Asa
and my personal favorite: Augustin/Augustine
Good luck!
Will he be called by his middle name, or a variant of James? That would make a difference for me. If you don’t want to go with Anderson, what about Anders?
Honestly though, these naming traditions/requirements (requirements?!) are truly so recent in the grand scheme of time. They seem to have mostly started in the last century, and are in many ways a very American mid-century Caucasian patriarchal trend. Why did our grandparents get to set up naming traditions for generations to come? Plus, this type of naming tradition seems to much to fall into the “one true heir” philosophy, where the oldest son inherits the name, the title, the land, and the rest of the siblings just fall by the wayside. I mean, if you are going to have a special naming tradition for the first son, why not have one for the second and third son too? It’s worth considering some of this, and how you will handle it with further children and what kind of expectations you are setting up for your son.
And if you do continue the tradition, then make sure you have priority for middle name and the next child’s whole name.
This is how I’ve always felt about naming sons after their father. What if you go on to have more sons? I think I would feel slightly special if my older brother was a Jr or III or whatever and I was just me. Birth order yes I know but kids are not logical.
To the OP, I know someone who went along with this same kind of tradition: her husband’s family use the first name William and parents choose the middle (no initials required), and everyone goes by their middle. This presents a further issue, because for your entire life you have to explain “I go by my middle name”. But she chose a very cute middle and it fits her son well and she seems happy so whatever. I would not have gone that route.
Personally we gave our son his paternal grandfather’s name for his middle. Just recently, TWO YEARS LATER, I realized it was also MY grandfather’s name. He went by a nickname informally and by his initials otherwise, plus he died 20+ years ago, so it just never occurred to me. I wonder if my dad thinks it was intentional. My grandfather was not a nice man.
Dammit, I meant I would feel slightly LESS special if my older brother was a Jr.
Ugh. I also vote for ending the tradition.
At the very least, do your sons future spouse a favor and dins a way to dilute the tradition enough that maybe the next generation won’t have to deal with the same kind of pressure/expectations.
I think there are a few ways to dilute the tradition. James first name with a non-A middle. Move James to the middle and use a first name you like. Use a different first name with an A middle. I assume the men all go by their middle name? If that is the case, I’d be tempted to find an A middle that lends itself to a non-A nickname. Then use that nickname exclusively as the call name. August/Gus, Alexander/Xander, Anthony/Tony, Abraham/Bram, Andrew/Drew, etc.
I love James Andrew and Abraham and Alistair. I do believe naming traditions should not dictate all so see if you can switch it up a bit. I have a family tradition name and while I love it, the consequence has also been that I feel as my name is not always my own. It is impossible to know how your child will feel but a name that belongs entirely to your child gives it flexibility later on.
I mean I guess it’s less restrictive than a baby boy being a 3rd or 4th, etc, but it’s not a lot better. It kinda sucks the fun out of an honor name when it’s a requirement and not a true way of honoring someone. I wonder how big of a deal this is to your husband vs your husband’s family?
I don’t think Anderson is too much with Thompson because it’s an honor name (one that genuinely means something to you!). That trumps flow to me.
I like Albert, called Bert. I also like Aidric. And I like Archer. It’s kind of hard to make too many suggestions without knowing what your boy name style would be without all these restrictions, and I’m also curious what your girl name is. As a person who has a hard time with surprises and waiting, I applaud and am a little jealous of parents who find out when the baby is born.
Good luck!
If you break the tradition now you’ll spare future marriages/spouses the weight of deciding whether to continue on with it or not…….I would imagine they’d thank you for it. In other words, another way to frame up this decision is “Do we want to make the older generation happy or ourselves and all future generations?” ;)
Great post. I love traditions. But it is with each new family unit to choose traditions too. And if the old traditions aren’t working, or feel unequal (would you have named a daughter James A?) then maybe time to rethink and adjust? I was coming to say (and I see I’m seconding this idea) that if i were you, I’d consider pushing James to the middle and coming up with a first name you love and even adding a middle in there from your family. Would be a bonus if it was an A, to say make the name Leo James Ayrton Thompson.
PREACH! I have lots of strong feelings about patriarchal naming traditions.
I also really love the name James, although the nickname Jim kept us from ever using it. Joke is on us, our 4 year old mysteriously adds Jim to his name when asked his name. Ha! What about James August? Augustus, Alden, Amos, Asa, or Aaron?
I love the name James, I hope you do too. Personally, I don’t think middles are a hill to die on ‘I got to choose the middle’ feels like crumbs. If I was going to cut a deal and my spouse had chosen one name I’d let him choose the whole thing but claim rights to do the same with the next child. However, I wouldn’t cut that deal because both parents should like a name.
This tradition sounds like it is already diluted, like someone didn’t want a junior so they slid it sideways to ‘but we used the same initial’. Will the child be called James or a variant or by the middle? My fave middle would be Atlas but I wouldn’t use for an everyday name. My favourite A is Angus (gus) for a full time name.
I like traditions but only if both spouses are on board and there is flexibility built in.
I like Anders, Abram, Auden (poet W. H. Auden), and giving your child a name you like rather than one your, what, grandfather-in-law decreed.
(Although James is a lovely name.)
Swistle! I love you.
I really want to know what YOU think or how you feel about the tradition overall, and the name James. I think there are fewer responses to the first names because James is pretty nice and it could be worse, but that’s really different than YOU loving the name. Would it have been on your list apart from this tradition?
I’m also curious about what your husband thinks of these. Is he just going along with it because it’s what he has always expected and he’s a person who avoids confrontation with parents? Or, is he really excited about these names? Maybe it’s a really meaningful tradition to him?
I’m with Swistle that I get super annoyed about naming expectations and requirements that don’t come from within the two people who are going to raise the child in their home. My husbands family has a similar tradition (first son must have the fathers name as a middle. The more I talked about it with my husband the more he realized that he just didn’t want the battle with parents. We get to have our own traditions and honor names are mostly special because they are chosen.
As someone mentioned above, I feel strangely about all “first son” traditions. They smack of male supremacy and I would put an end to it in my own household and save future generations the trouble.
Favorite A names for you:
Arlo, Anders, Archer, Asher, Abraham
I think if you continue the tradition that you should get final day on which A name is chosen. And, I think you def should get a family name of your choosing in the middle name spot for your next child. Heck, I told my husband that since all the kids get his family surname that they all get family middles from my side. Luckily, he felt that was fair and all four kiddos have honor names from my side (much to my MILs chagrin).
Swistle, you are so absolutely correct! Oh please ignore the tradition. Tradition in this naming context (and probably many more in texts too!) is just a word to take away any input you might have and give control and power to the patriarchy. Rebel! Think about what YOU and your husband want. Tradition be damned. You’re more important.
I think in this situation I’d be tempted to roll with: ‘sure, you can have James Alistair.’ But I’m giving the baby my last name.’
Nothing better to end the patriarchy than ending the assumption that the last name is automatically passed down the male line – but to be fair if you’ve already taken your husband’s name I suppose that’s a moot point.
For what it’s worth I like James Alistair. But not the tradition!
James Archer is my favorite!
What about James Abel?
All the best!
I like Auden. James Auden Thompson. Nickname Dean (with a little creative rearrangement). Dean Thompson. It alludes to James a la James Dean fame while giving the little guy his own identity in a line of James A. Thompsons. It is a last name per your preference but keeps the door wide open for a future Anderson when you have fewer naming considerations. Just one idea. Good luck!
Similar to Audan – I teach a (high school aged) student named Audran, which I actually really love!
Chiming in here.
I think that if your husband embraces this tradition, then he is essentially choosing 2/3 of the child’s name and you get TOTAL say on the middle name. In other words, the hunt is not for “A male names that WE BOTH like”; it’s for A male names that YOU like, within reason.
If, on the other hand, your husband dislikes the tradition and would argue that he should get a say in the middle name because he too is being forced to use a first name he didn’t choose, well then, it’s 100000% time to end the tradition. Two adults’ using a name they don’t really want to use makes no sense; all it does is add to the pressure your son and his hypothetical partner might feel someday, and I wouldn’t want to be party to that.
So in a way, it’s win-win: Either you (you, the letter-writer) get to choose the A name of your dreams and let your husband know as an afterthought, or you both get to break free of this tradition and choose something together, as partners!
Sigh, if only it were that simple. I like Allan and Anthony.
https://www.theallusionist.org/allusionist/name-therapy
I’m sort of obsessed with Helen Zaltzman’s podcast, the Allusionist. She talks about language and words, and in this episode, naming children. Skip to 11:40, they talk about grown men and how they feel about being a Jr. or a II/III etc. Of course, this skews to people who find being a junior challenging.
James was one of my top contenders when I was pregnant, and I like it with Arthur.
I also wondered, how does the OP feel about the tradition? It wasn’t clear whether she’s enthusiastic about it or not. If she’s not enthusiastic, please know, OP, that your voice is important and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do! If you’re into it, well, James is a great name. Best!
…I just realized that my family tree is rife with Jameses. I have a Grandpa James, and so does my husband. We each have an Uncle Jimmy. Husband’s name is Robert, and his dad’s name is Robert. And we ended up having a girl. But I think if anyone had insisted on either James or Robert as a tradition I would have felt resentful. Hmm. And my husband did favor those two names, but it was all moot. Maybe that’s why I didn’t feel very enthusiastic about boy names. Well, at any rate, you are the absolute authority, and whatever you choose will be right!
I wondered how she feels about the tradition also.
My eldest (1st born) shares his full name with his great grandfather, great uncle (a priest -So childless) and his father (only son with 2 older & 4 younger sisters). Both he and his father have always felt that it was an honour to have a family name, and knowing how special it was to him I was happy to name our son the same. Our 2 younger sons have family middle names and 1st names that I chose. Our 1st grandson (eldest son’s boy) got his father’s 1st name as his middle
Our youngest boy has said he would like to name a son after his father if he is able to.
Yeah! I think repeating family names can be so rewarding IF it’s presented as an option, not as a command. Our daughter has my MIL’s middle name and it was a really special moment to share that with her. But it would have been a drag if it had been a firm expectation.
I’m all for breaking tradition. At least James is very common but “family requirements” just irks me the wrong way! My Dad was the fourth George and my Mom broke tradition with my younger brother and I give her so much credit.
That being said, if you stick with it, I would go for more of a non-traditional “A” middle to loosen it up (not my style, but in this case it would be more fun)… Atlas, Archer/Asher, Axel, Adonis, Anakin, Arnold, Alpine.
here is what I would do, with my usual tact: tell everyone who wants to continue this BS patriarchy to eff of and then maybeeeee allow myself to be talked into one small concession.
Some good suggestions here! I know you said you already had your girl name locked down, but I love James on a girl. Then you’d still be following the tradition but sort of making a statement about gender equality.
Congratulations and hope everything goes well for you!
YES YES YES.
My first fight with my husband was over this same nonsense. He insisted that our first son would take his and his dad’s name and be a III (and also use the middle name, which is actually a girl’s name). I said hell no, and luckily, once he thought about it he agreed to a compromise.
I think it’s so engrained in our culture that this is a *thing* that most people don’t even question it, but when you put it in terms of women pulling this same stunt, it suddenly seems unreasonable.
However, I have a bunch of friends who have named their daughters after themselves in the past few years, and I love it.