My name problem is a little different.
My son is named after his father, who is named after his, who is named after his. In other words, my husband is Robert III and my son is Robert IV.
My husband went by Bobby when I met him, but now likes to go by Robert or Rob. This is because it’s kind of a tradition for the Dad to go from Bobby to Robert once they have a son, that way the son can now be called Bobby. It honestly doesn’t really matter to me what my son is called, but it’s very important to my husband.
So, the issue is with my step-mother. She never had kids of her own and spends a lot of time with my son. She never thought she’d have grandchildren, so the fact that my son thinks of her the same as my mother is a big deal I think. She’s a nice lady, a bit high-strung and can’t seem to ever sit down, but nice. When she has my son, she fills every minute with different activities.
She has always called my son Robert though. It really bothers my husband. She gets ornamates made for my family and my brothers at Christmas time. My sons character always has “Robert” on it and my husbands is “Bobby”. This is what bothers him the most. He really likes the idea of the ornaments, but doesn’t want to use them because of this issue.
Shas texted me and said “what’s Robert doing?” I reply that he’s working, she’ll reply that she meant the other one, so I say something like “oh Bobby isn’t doing anything.” I know that sounds passive aggressive, but she is VERY sensitive. One time, as a child, I got in severe trouble because I made her cry. How did I do that? I didn’t say hi back to her when she walked by one morning. I was eating… my mouth was full and I tried to do the head nod thing, but she got her feelings hurt and I got yelled at. Because of this, we usually try to go through my dad for any issues. I try to talk to her about them, but I also always try to make it light-hearted because of her sensitivity.
So, I’ve told my dad about the issue a couple times. He now calls my son Bobby and husband Robert, but she doesn’t. (Meanwhile, her family still calls my son “Baby Bobby” which drives my little guy crazy because he’s now 5. Even the kids call him that, but I digress.)
To top it off, I recently had a baby girl. I’ve always wanted a girl named Charlie. My husband wanted it to be a nickname just in case she doesn’t like it and that was fine with me. So her name is Charlotte, but we literally never use that. It’s Charlie to everyone. Except to my step-mother, again. She always calls her Charlotte. I’ll call her Charlie and then it seems like my step-mom will make sure to use Charlotte right after.
I’m not sure what to do. I’m non-confrontational in general, but it’s even worse with her. I got in trouble for hurting her feelings more times than I can count as a child. I’m sure I deserved it sometimes. But this is a woman who started full-on sobbing because my dad brought the cat to their new house first and not the dog. He was going back to get the dog that same day.
Anyway, this is so long! Is it really a big enough deal to risk an altercation? Please advise if you can and thanks for your time.
This is tricky. This is very, very tricky. I have been thinking about this since you wrote over a week ago, and I am not yet settled in my mind on an answer.
In general, in GENERAL, I think the parents are the bosses of the child’s name until the child is old enough to be boss of it. If you have a James and you want him called Jamie, I am here for the discussion on how we get a relative to stop calling him Jimmy.
But in nearly all the situations I can think of, there is ALSO the option of using the child’s actual given name. That is, it seems like parents are usually more like “If you’re going to use a nickname, this is our chosen one,” and not “You may ONLY use the nickname and you may NOT use the given name.” James and Jamie, but not Jimmy; Elizabeth and Libby, but not Beth.
Here is a situation I could think of where this was not the case, and it is has some overlap with yours. The parents were using an honor name they absolutely didn’t want to use, consisting of names they hated, so they asked that the child be called something completely different. That is, the child’s name was something like Egbert Leslie Johnson IV, and the parents could not find anything within that name that they could stand to have their child called, so they asked that he be called Jason. In that case, if a relative were insisting on calling him Egbert and then saying with faux innocence “But that’s his given name! YOU named him that name!,” I would be ready to throw down. This is what stops me from saying to you that the child’s legal given name really should be one of his name options.
Also, reading your letter, it really sounds as if your step-mom must be doing this on purpose at this point. I know you don’t want to upset her, but it’s time to either let the whole thing go or else dial things up. Hints are not working, either because she is genuinely that clueless or because she is deliberately leaning on the benefit of the doubt in order to go against what you want. If she asks how Robert is doing, and you say he’s at work, and she says, “Oh, I mean the other one,” it doesn’t seem to be working to say “Oh, Bobby’s playing with blocks.” It’s time for “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you meant Bobby: we never call him Robert. My husband’s family’s tradition is that the dad goes by Robert and the child goes by Bobby. We’re really not calling him Robert at all.” You’d say it pleasantly, so very pleasantly.
If she responds to the escalation and says, “But it’s his naaaaaaame!,” you’d say, “Oh, I know! But we’re using the nickname. That’s the tradition in their family, so that’s how we’re doing it.” Lean on this tradition concept. Lean on the “Despite other possible ways of doing this, this is how WE are doing this” concept.
If she gives you ornaments that are mis-labeled, swap them if possible. That is, unless she got a Rockette ornament with “Bobby” on it and a My Sixth Christmas ornament with “Robert” on it, just…swap them. The Robert one is your husband’s. The Bobby one is your son’s. Or, since your husband once went by Bobby and the plan is for your son to one day go by Robert, you could say that the two ornaments belong jointly to the two of them, representing the two versions of their name that they will both use in their lifetimes (assuming your son chooses to follow this tradition).
If swapping/sharing won’t work, you have a few options. You can decline to put them up, without comment. You can put them up and not make a big deal about it, the way you might for any other well-intentioned gifting mistake (for example, if she got your husband a golf-themed ornament and he doesn’t even play golf). If your husband went by Bobby for several decades, perhaps he already has ornaments personalized with “Bobby” and can add these to that batch; your son can think of his “Robert” ornaments as being customized for the time after his first son is born or, more simply, as just being customized with his full/formal name instead of with his nickname. Or you can address it with her around November: “In previous years you’ve had such wonderful ornaments made for us. We LOVE this idea and we really treasure them. In case you’re planning to do it again this year, I wanted to mention that in my husband’s family it’s tradition for the father to go by Rob/Robert as soon as he has a son, and for the son to go by Bobby. So Rob’s should say Robert or Rob, and Bobby’s should say Bobby.” You say it pleasantly and informatively, as if it’s the first time you’ve told her.
The follow-up is this: You start calling her on it EVERY SINGLE TIME. When she asks how Robert is, you correct her every single time. When she says, “Hi, Robert!” to him in your presence, you say “Oh, Linda, remember we only call him Bobby”—every single time. You say it as if you are a very pleasant voice-recording that can’t be annoyed by having the replay button hit again and again and again. You say it as if the concern here is that perhaps your step-mother is getting senile, and you are filled with compassion for her sad plight and don’t want to make her feel bad about it by letting her know you’ve already told her this a hundred times.
You also train Bobby to correct her. It has to be with politeness beyond reproach, but if he has a strong preference about what he’s called, he’s old enough to learn the polite way to make his preference known.
I suggest handing off almost all of this work/training to your husband. Not only is he the one this all matters to, but it sounds as if there is a history here that means we need to be realistic about the practicality of suggesting you repeatedly correct your step-mother’s behavior. And I may be utterly wrong here, but when I have encountered people like your step-mother in my life, I’ve found they tend to take a gentle correction from a man WAY BETTER than the same gentle correction from a woman; same thing with non-relatives over relatives. If she begins to work up a fit, you can shrug sympathetically and say, “Oh, Linda, I know! It’s not something that seems like a big deal to me either! But it IS a big deal to Rob, and we’re going with his family traditions on this one.” If you have access to a running joke about something that is done YOUR family’s way (and even better if it’s HER special way of doing something), this is the place to put it: “After all, he gave in to our family on what’s REALLY important: leaving the skins in the mashed potatoes.”
If she throws a fit, this is yet another level removed from being within my area of expertise, but certainly at this point you are an adult and she can’t get you in trouble anymore. You don’t have to do things her way, or apologize to her when you choose not to do things her way. You can ignore her reactions. …Well, I mean, theoretically you can ignore her: I know these things are never so easy when applied to real people and real relationships. But there is room here to say, “I’m really sorry it upsets you, but this is still how we’re doing the names” and “I understand you prefer the name Robert, but we have decided that he will be called Bobby for now.” You’d say the same if she got your dad or another family member to bring you the problem: “I’m really sorry it upsets Linda, but these are the names we’ve decided to use.” Say it with a little bit of bafflement, as you would if she were INSISTING that the whole family join her in getting you to buy Bobby blue sneakers instead of white.
Or, and I do think you should consider this possibility: Don’t do any of this, especially if it doesn’t bother your son to be called Robert. (DOES it bother him to be called Robert?) Let her do what she’s doing. Resign yourself to the idea that she will always use your children’s given names rather than the preferred nicknames. As a Coping Thought, think of it as if these were her own special pet names for your kids. Stop trying to work on her: when she asks you how Robert is, answer the question you know she means. Try to think of it as an opportunity to enjoy another facet of the names, one that you don’t hear as often. See if your husband can come to peace with the idea that his family’s naming tradition does not need to be followed by every member of the extended family; and that just as he might have old friends who still call him Bobby, his son might have people in his life who call him Robert ahead of schedule. (This will have a side benefit of allowing room for your son to go by Rob or Robbie or Robert later on if he prefers it, even if he has not yet had a son.)
One issue that makes me inclined to either let it go or at least go very, very easy on your step-mother is that you’ve been letting her do this for five full years. When parents have a strong preference about a child’s name, this preference needs to be set firmly and immediately, from the very start. Instead, we’re talking about five years of established behavior, and with someone who is very involved in your son’s life. To you and your husband, it may feel as if she’s ignored five years of your requests; to her, she may feel as if this is the first time you’re telling her.
In fact, it may work in your favor that you recently had another baby: you can do it from the start this time, and piggyback the other naming issue onto it. You have already thoroughly learned that hints don’t work, so from the very start it should be, “Oh—we are ONLY calling her Charlie—just like we’re only calling her brother Bobby. We only put Charlotte on the birth certificate in case she wants something more formal later.” Then every time your step-mom says Charlotte, you say “Oh—remember, we are only calling her Charlie.” EVERY TIME.
If this doesn’t work, you will need to decide how far you are willing (and/or how far it is worth it) to escalate this. The next step would have to be even more direct and probably less pleasant (“Please stop calling her Charlotte; we are only calling her Charlie” or “Is there something we could do to help you remember to call him Bobby?”), and not everyone can do that, or wants to.
I totally get how this is annoying, but I think this is one of those things that you should just let go. It sounds like you and your child have a decent relationship with your step-mom, and it would be sad to lose that over a name. Especially since it’s his/her actual name. All grandparents have their quirks, and this seems like a harmless one.
I’m going to take the stance that this is one of those that you just have to let go- and it truly is freeing to let it go. My MIL named my husband Matthew and said NO ONE will ever call him Matt- at least that’s what I was told. Well, when I met my husband, he introduced himself to me as Matt so I’ve called him that ever since. To me, he is my Matt, to her, he is Matthew. His mom refuses to call him Matt, he’s 36 by the way, and I refuse to call him Matthew. I send cards, gifts, etc. signed by Matt and she sends cards to him, gifts, etc. as Matthew. It bothered me so much at first because he’s a grown man and calls himself Matt but she nor the rest of his family will follow suit. I finally just accepted the fact and moved on knowing that she’s not going to change since she named him. I know this is a little bit of a difference situation but it truly was freeing to know that I can’t control her response, only mine and at the end of the day, it’s not worth the agony or stress. I hope you find peace with whatever you decide to do regarding this situation.
I think that after 5 years, you and your husband should just resign yourself to her silly little power trip. If your children assert a preference to her, you need to back them up but unless that happens, just let it be. Same with Charlie/Charlotte unless you REALLY care.
The good news is that you are « winning » either way – she’s calling them their given names, which you picked. For instance, I think it would be worse if little Robert was Bobby to you and Robbie to her…. but she’s calling him Robert, the name you gave him, so you’re still in charge. If that makes sense…
Now, refusing to move on from calling your husband Bobby is a different matter. I think he should request she call him Rob, if that is his preference using the nonchalant phrasing provided by Swistle. Again, only if it’s worth the drama…
I’m sorry. I think there is only one way to fix this after 5 years. Bobby has to tell her he prefers Bobby not Robert. Otherwise, you’ve let this go for 5 years, at this point it’s prob past the point of no hurt feelings to correct . unless Bobby can tell her he prefers Bobby, then you can follow up with “well bobby really prefers Bobby over Robert” when she calls him Robert. However you need to fix Charlie now before it gets out of hand.
We have a similar issue, our daughter is Eleanor and we call her Nora. My husband’s family hates the name Nora and will even reply ‘Who?’ If we refer to her as Nora. Our plan (and as others have suggested) is to wait until Nora is old enough to have an opinion and then ask people to call her what she prefers (whether it’s Eleanor, Nora, Ellie etc). I think if the relative truly cares for the little person and they’ve been asked nicely by that little person to use a particular name it will be much harder to continue using another name.
This is definitely annoying.
But, I’ll defend her on your husband’s name. I think it is hard to switch nicknames as an adult. In a lot of ways, Bobby is a very different name than Robert/Rob (I think it would be easier to switch from Rob to Robert, for example because they start the same.) So I can (sort) of understand someone having trouble there.
But obviously everyone should make an effort and she doesn’t appear to be.
I thought no this is something that needed to be addressed 5 years ago. Hints obviously don’t work with this woman, and it sounds like you’ve never directly told her about the tradition in your husband’s family. I also can’t believe she’s the only one who messes up. Your husband was Bobby for most of his life. You met and married him as Bobby, old school and work friends knew him as Bobby. I’m sure at some people I think people slip up and still call him Bobby. Just as your sons teachers will call him Robert during roll- at least at first. At this place please point, I think you have to let it go.
I also wonder if she has a habit of calling people by their given names and perhaps isn’t a fan of nicknames in general. My MIl and SIL are like this. It’s not specific to the grandkids, and most people have learned to ignore it. I think it’s a bit rude, but not really worth it. Sometimes you have to pick your battles
I agree with the above commenters.
Out of curiosity, how did your husband handle the switch from Bobby to Robert himself? I ask because I am Ann called Annie, and only Annie, and the only times I’ve been called Ann in my whole life were when I was in trouble (or when filling out paperwork). So it is really strange for me to be called Ann. I think it’s sweet when people are called one thing by most people and an affectionate nickname only by certain people. But then I remember that in my case, this would require most people to call me Ann and only my family/husband to call me Annie, and that just seems weird to me.
All this to say, if you resign yourself to the fact that your stepmom might call your son Robert forever, it might actually be helpful for HIM to get used to being called *his actual name*. Just a silver lining to what I imagine is an annoying situation overall!
I think this is clearly a power trip. Very frustrating. I think (based on a member of my family who is similar) that this is her way of taking ownership of some part of the children’s lives/ upbringing. Not ok in my opinion, as naming is the sort of decision that belongs to the parents. The fact that she does not have children of her own and that she puts a lot of effort into outings only reinforces for me that she has a need she is filling. For that reason, I think if it wasn’t the name, she would push on something else you don’t approve of (toys, food, movies, etc). It may be that by letting the name “go” you are saving yourself trouble in another area. It requires you being the bigger person of course but it’s something to consider and balance against you level of frustration/annoyance.
Oh boy. Can I ever relate to this question. Not the baby name issue, but the challenges of having a “overly sensitive” family member who everyone is scared to upset. After years and years of tip-toeing around this person in my life and trying innumerable approaches to prevent them from feeling slighted over the smallest of things I’ve learned this is an impossible task. You can’t predict their emotions and at the heart of it, they likely have extreme insecurity and have also learned to use this “emotional” behavior to control situations and get their way when it serves them. *I actually have a very similar example to yours, of this person getting their feelings hurt and pouting for days b/c I did not say good morning to them FIRST. So I FEEL YOUR PAIN.*
For me it’s taken some therapy to get to a point where I can set healthy boundaries and be okay with the emotional fallout that comes when things don’t go this persons way. You may need to do the same. If you have decided that your husband and sons names are a boundary that you are willing to draw, I think Swistle gives great examples of how to deliver the message while being kind yet firm. You have to be ready for the fact that she will get upset and there will be some family drama, but YOUR FEELINGS MATTER TOO. Remind yourself of that if you start to feel like the bad guy in this situation. The good news is that sounds like your step-mother is a big part of your life and must have other redeeming qualities. Hopefully this means that while it may be rocky for a bit, it will all work out in the end. Good luck!
I can’t imagine how frustrating this must be and sounds like it’s pettiness that is fueling the refusal to change! I agree with everything that’ been said so far and, as with everything extended family-related, the solution is going to be as complex as the problem is!
One thing I wanted to mention however is this: Myself and my sister both have long regal names with shorter friendly nicknames. Our parents loved the nickname names and these were always going to be our intended ‘everyday’ names, but the longer versions went on the birth certificate (actually the story goes when I was born my parents went to register me with my nickname name and the registrar woman said something along the lines of ‘what if she becomes a doctor or prime minister, she’ll need a REAL name’ and so my parents reluctantly agreed to name me the full name which I have literally never been called ever in my life – with the exceptions of substitute teachers, etc. – anyway, I digress)…
My sister is Alex, full name Alexandra. She was going to be Alex whether she was boy or girl and so Alexandra went on the certificate – called Alex by everyone. When my sister was around 3-4 years old I’m not sure how it came about but my grandma (who we were very close to) started calling her Alexandra. My sister didn’t like being called Alexandra by anyone (being the older sister obviously I used to tease her with it) and so nobody did, except my grandma. It was something that bubbled up between the two of them, and she was the only person who was allowed to call her Alexandra – I think my sister liked that she had special agreement with my grandma and my grandma would always make sure to use her full name, especially if she was talking about her in front of other people ‘Me and Alexandra are going to the shops’ ‘Alexandra has drawn me a beautiful picture’. It was something my sister enjoyed and helped reinforce – it was grandma’s name for her. She passed away when my sister was 9 and had kept calling her that until the end.
Obviously this is a different situation to what the OP is going through but I just wanted to say that if the situation doesn’t resolve itself in any harmonious way, it could be a nice way to spin it when the kids are old enough to understand. It’s a special treat that grandma calls you by your formal name, it’s like a little secret between them all – only grandma has the right to call them this name. This doesn’t get rid of the annoyance you’ll feel that she refuses to call them the names you’ve indicated but it could help in the long-run? If you have all survived that far without throttling each other!
I agree with most everything that’s being said here, with one caveat. The only time we hear Bobby’s opinion on what he is called is when you describe his disdain for “Baby Bobby” as a nickname. Is it possible, since they are close, that your son at some point confided distaste (either for Baby Bobby or for Bobby) to your stepmother, and that your stepmother said to him “Would you rather I called you Robert?” and this is why she persists?
The length of time that this has been happening suggests that this is a remote possibility, but I did want to bring it up since there isn’t an indication that Bobby himself has been asked what he prefers or that the stepmother has been asked why she keeps calling him a name no one else does.
My suggestion is Let It Go. It’s annoying, but not letting it upset you or your husband is going to be the peaceful solution. People like that are not worth engaging in a full blown war. They will always be the wronged one. And at least she is using names you picked. My MIL will not even speak my childrens names because we did not follow HER family tradition. So they are “little girl” and “little boy”. It’s downright silly but I just feel sorry for her lack of maturity.
I think if your son doesn’t mind being called Robert, it is fine probably—it is his name. However, it doesn’t seem like to your husband is fine with being called Bobby, and that is the one I would reinforce. Both are disrespectful to your wishes, but when they cross over into being disrespectful to the individuals wishes, personally that’s the battle I would fight.
With Charlotte it feels less intrusive to me—nobody else is missing their name if she goes by Charlotte, and while super annoying that she’s not respecting your awesome nickname request, it is the (very lovely) name your daughter has.
But I feel for you. This is less a naming issue and more a family issue—and probably a little bit of a mental illness issue too from your description. I’m sure this has been affecting you most of your life to grow up with someone so irrational (I think referring to this as “sensitiveness” is being generous). I wish you luck.
Swistle and the other readers have outlined great suggestions, so I have nothing to add. But just wanted to say that I feel your step-mother pain, as I have a very similar step-mother (no children, overly sensitive, and manipulative). It’s exhausting – especially when it seems you and your family seem to spend a lot of time with her. Sending encouragement and positive thoughts your way.