Hello – I have a question that I need your help with as it’s driving me nuts. My daughter was born a few months ago and we’ve had a steady stream of friends and family come over to meet her. I always introduce her as her proper name, but inevitably someone starts talking to her calling her a nickname. How do I politely dissuade people from calling her a nickname that I hate? If I wanted you to call her something, I would have said so (for example, “her name is Violet but we call her Vi”).
PS – her name is not something that people commonly shorten, (such as Katelynn, nickname Kate). Her name is similar to Lydia and the nicknames would be like Ly or LyLy.
Thanks for your help,
M
I suspect it would be helpful to start by discussing the difference between a nickname and a pet name.
Examples of nicknames:
Elizabeth: Liz, Libby, Bessie, Beth
William: Will, Bill, Liam
Charlotte: Charlie, Lottie
Madison: Maddie
Nicholas: Nick, Cole
Isabella: Izzy, Bella
Joshua: Josh
James: Jim, Jimmy, Jamie
Lydia: Liddy
Nicknames are part of the parents’ name choice until the child is old enough to take control of that decision. Parents are well within their rights to announce: “Her name is Elizabeth; we’ll be calling her Bess”—and then to kindly, politely enforce that. “Actually we’re calling her Bess, not Beth.”
Examples of pet names:
Jacob: Jay-jay
Josiah: Jojo
Anna: Anna-Banana
Jared: Jare-Bear
Naomi: Nay-nay
Julia: Jujubee
Riley: Ry-Ry
Some short forms are on the line between nickname and pet name, and some can go either way depending on intent (Wills, for example, as a nickname for William, or Lulu for Lucy). The rule of thumb I use is this: Is anyone going to write it on a school paper? A child might very well write Liddy, Beth, Liam, Maddie, or Cole, but they would not write Ry-Ry, Jare-Bear, or Jujubee.
Pet names are like baby talk. They’re silly affectionate wordplay with the baby’s name, usually done by people who are dazzled by the baby’s cuteness to the point of losing some of their ability to form normal words. Pet names are a verbal form of love not intended as a parent-overriding attempt to create an official nickname. They’re a useful way to take a respectable given name and make it fit the temporary Tiny Squoodger stage. Later, pet names are still affectionate but generally less baby-talky, like using Soph for Sophia or Em for Emily. (Though I understand Anna-Banana and Hannah-Banana tend to be permanent.) They’re still not likely to be written on an inter-office memo the way Will or Liz could be.
If the parents truly, truly hate a pet name, they can attempt to stop it, though it may take more effort and energy than new parents want to spend. Ideally, the parent would be ready with a back-up pet name: “Oh, Dad, I just hate the nickname Jelly-Belly for some reason. How about Bella-boo instead?”
Of course if we are talking about something more like a nickname (Coco for Cora, for example), then I think you can nip it in the bud the usual way: “Oh, we’re not using the nickname—it’s just Cora.” But if we’re talking about pet names, I would advise letting people do it, just as I’d advise allowing them to squeeze cheeks and make kissy noises and ask WHO is the best baby in the world, WHO is?
My daughter’s name is Lucille. I call her Lucille. She calls herself Lulu. Every time we meet someone they automatically call her Lucy. I don’t mind the name Lucy, but I don’t feel like it’s her name. She seems to not identify with that nickname at all. (Shes 3.5.) I never bother correcting people. I just continue calling her Lucille and Lulu. If these people stay present in our lives they usually catch on and start calling her one of those names quickly. If we never see them again, then I don’t care that they say “oh we met a girl named Lucy on the playground today.” I handle it this way because I don’t want Lucille to be enraged when people call her by a different nickname, and I want her to know I’m fine with her using any variation of her name she choses in the future.
I handle my own name the same way. I’m Rebecca. I don’t care if I get called Becca but I hate Becky. When I introduce myself as Rebecca so many people say nice to meet you Becky. Most of the time I ignore it because I know that they will continue to hear other people call me Rebecca and Becca and they’ll realize they’re the only one calling me Becky and cut it out.
Unfortunately for Elizabeths, the nickname “Liz” is so common that most just accept it as inevitable. We are *always* getting called Liz and I do not like it.
I think it would help if we actually knew the name/possible nickname being used. I think it also matters how many people are doing it? If the name is Lydia & you’ve got one grandma calling her Dia & another calling her Ly-Ly, you are probably safe from either of those becoming a nickname. It’s definitely more in the “special pet name” camp at that point. If you’ve got a ton of people trying to use the same name, perhaps the name is more commonly shortened that you realized.
Regardless, if you really hate whatever she’s being called, I’d suggest simply use your words. Tell people “oh, I really hate Ly-Ly. Can you please not call her that?” My experience has been that most people will respect your wishes, though they may need a couple of reminders for it to stick.
I think you should be very wary of getting in the middle of special relationships your daughter will have. If it’s just a friend and won’t be a special person in her life then feel free to suggest that they call her something you approve of. If it is a grandparent or aunt or uncle or someone who you expect to be a special person to your daughter, then I think you let the two of them work it out (as long as it isn’t offensive). When your daughter is old enough, if she doesn’t like the pet name she can tell them. A pet name is a special thing between the two people. In all likelihood you will have a pet name for her and your husband will have a different one. It will represent the relationship between you and your child and be special just for the two of you.
I think it is hard to have a newborn, a first child, and realize kind of in a rush how little control we have over our babies and kids lives, which is why everything-from nicknames to advice to diapering to feeding and all gets super charged and feels high stakes. I’d encourage you to continue using your preferred name and remember that she is YOUR daughter. These pet names and nicknames for a newborn will probably not stick around past the first year and by the time she is preschool aged and spelling in school it will be she who corrects anyone who gets her name wrong, which will be charming and gratifying for you after a long road.
“Temporary Tiny Squoodger stage”…
Oh, Swistle! I love your charming descriptions. They always make 100% sense and are adorable.
As for the poster, I agree with the advice others have given. If you need to redirect a great grandpa’s nicknames, you can always pipe up with, “Aw, did anyone give YOU a ridiculous nickname growing up, Pops?” Sometimes, that’s hint enough. ;)
If it’s a baby, pet type name you can wait it out for 6 to 9 months or so to see if it goes away. You can always say later “when we picked Lydia I never envisioned she’d get called LyLy. It actually kind of bothers me – can you try to stick to Lydia?” As they become little people at a year or so baby pet names kind of loose their appeal.
My dad calls my one kid by a nickname I don’t like. However I see that he is trying to have a special connection (or he doesn’t like our name choice) so I’ve let it go. My kid will correct him if he doesn’t like it.
My daughters name is Marley and my mother-in-law, who I generally adore, calls her Marl. It drives me crazy. But no one else calls for that, and so I let it stand as a pet name between a grandmother and her granddaughter.
I’m with the poster above that points out that the danger is actually not so great if this is happening with “a steady stream” of visitors using multiple nicknames, rather than a single one consistently. If the only problem is that it’s annoying to your ear (which is understandable–you chose the name you did because you wanted to hear it said often!), consider treating that as a casualty of having lots of nice, loving people in your life.
You might be hoping for a way to address this that (1) stops people from using pet names of their choosing and (2) is not even a little bit offputting. Unfortunately, I don’t think there is one. You’re entitled to ask that people refrain from all use of pet names, but this request will reflect on you, and you will need to own that. If that’s worth it, then go for it–understanding that it will make some people feel uncomfortable and a little nervous around the baby (you would probably only bring it up when someone just did it, making them feel a little bit chastised; and if that’s being policed, then what else might they do wrong?), and that other people will disregard it on purpose or by accident (baby talk just slips out sometimes!).
I know it stinks–I would be bummed, too! But it will absolutely not stick, and will change a lot once the baby reaches a more interactive age (so that people are more inclined to use her given name to get her attention), and as the early burst of visitors declines, leaving behind the people who are closest to you and to her.
Oh, and if it’s REALLY like Lydia/Ly (which in my mind I’m pronouncing like “Lih,” the phonetic beginning of the word Lydia), then it REALLY will not stick. No one named Lydia goes by Lih!
This is also an interesting reminder that no name is ACTUALLY nickname-proof (though some of us who don’t prefer nicknames would like to think there are)! I’ve spent years curating a list of names that don’t lend themselves to obvious nicknames, only to realize just in time (first baby due in April) that the members of both my husband’s family and mine nickname abundantly as a show of affection. My name is basically nickname-proof but sometimes I’m Shanzi-Wanzi. A cousin named Rachel is Tchotchke 90% of the time. Chad is Chadster. Greer is Gigi. In all cases, the parents were going for names that were likely to stand as-is!
I get where you’re coming from, OP. I named my daughter Elizabeth and now and then people will call her Lizzie or Lizbeth. My husband and I prefer her full name, and with time and repetition, most of the pet names have dropped off. (Except for Duck, a reference to Sarah & Duck, a bizarre inconsistency on my part, I’ll admit).
So! It’s okay to feel annoyed. Keep on calling your daughter exactly what you like, but just know that you are your daughter’s PR agent and whatever you call her will likely prevail. You don’t have to expunge every experimental name in real time. Really. First year is crazy-making annoying. It will probably get better.
I agree, pretty much, with what has been said. However, I was VERY FIRM on the name issue. When I took my kids anywhere for the first time I specified that my children never went by nicknames. Ever. People are generally pretty great about it. With my own 8 siblings and parents (argh), I said, repeatedly, during my pregnancy that no nicknames would be tolerated. Of course, that meant that the first three months after Miriam was born all my beloved relatives called her every ridiculous nickname they could think of. When they tired of watching me roll my eyes (it took about three months) they stopped and haven’t called my kids by nicknames ever since.
My hubby’s three siblings were worse. They kept trying to call Miriam “MiriHAM” and call Cowen “Coco.”
I told them to knock it off but four years into my parenting they were still doing it so I finally just laid down the law. It is harder to be firm with in-laws than blood relatives for some reason. They certainly thought (still think?) that I was unnecessarily adamant about the whole thing. I don’t care. I’m just glad they stopped with the stupid nicknames.
My longwinded point–if it matters to you then say something. It was more important to me to have my kids called by their given name than it was to not rock the boat. I’m happy with that choice. You just have to decide how much you care and if it is worth it to rock the boat, because there will be a few rolled eyes in your direction if you make a firm stand on the issue.
see, if you had said that to me about my relationship and the ways i express affection (appropriately, obviously) with a niece or nephew, i wouldn’t just roll my eyes–it would forever change the way i thought of you.
Drives me nuts when MIL calls our son “monkey”. It’s a pet name and she’s already using it less as he nears his 4th birthday. On the other hand, I do correct people when they call our daughter by a common nickname for her name.
We chose our son’s name specifically to give him nickname options when he gets old enough, and we are doing the same with our second son (due January/February 2018!). It is a preference that began when my mom named my sisters and I: we all have a 3-syllable name that have a few different shortening options. Personally, I use my full name in most situations, especially professional settings, and only use my preferred nickname with family and close friends. So I always introduce myself: “Hi, I’m [full name].” Sure, some people might try to shorten it but I politely re-enforce my preference in casual ways. If I have to call someone, I will say: “Hi, it’s [full name] from [wherever they know me].” Or I sign all of my correspondence with my full name, etc. Only once did I have to correct someone outright with a: “I would prefer if you used [full name].” and that was because it was going to be in print.
Same thing with our son’s name. He is 14 months old. Our son’s name has a more common/popular nickname that I do not particularly care for so we use a less common nickname. I’ll introduce him to people: “And this is [full name] but we call him [preferred nickname].” Every once in a while someone will call him by the nickname I don’t like, but I will not call direct attention to it. I will just find an opportunity in that person’s presence to drop the preferred nickname a couple of times. “Oh, [preferred nickname] did something hilarious yesterday!” or “Come here, [preferred nickname]. Let’s go see Dada.” After a while, most people catch on.
So that is a long way of saying: don’t stress!
If someone uses a nickname or pet name you do not care for, just find natural, casual ways to slip your preferred name into conversation either WITH that individual or to your child WITHIN that individual’s presence. “Oh, isn’t [full name] just so cute? She giggled today!” or something like that. If they hear you call your child a certain name often enough, most people will catch on.
For the few who stubbornly refuse to get on board, give them more time and grace to correct. If they are still calling your child by a name you dislike, maybe politely correct them in a more private setting. “Oh, we don’t care for [nickname].”
My in-laws call my oldest by a nickname that I don’t care for and that my husband and I never use. And they spell it in a way that I particularly hate, enough so that the deal between hubby and me was that yes, we could name her this so long as this nickname/spelling was never used. Well. It bothers me, obviously, but they are a large, boisterous family who lives far away. I think they are just really trying to forge a connection. I just make sure I always use her full name, maybe they will notice eventually that she doesn’t connect with or call herself that name. Or maybe it will become a special name between her and that side of the family. I guess what I’m saying is, I feel like building the connection is more important then the names/nickname, though I grit my teeth and force a smile in real life.
i agree that it’s one thing to say “please don’t use the nickname Lizzy, we’d like to call her Elizabeth” and quite another to get between a pet name. That seems…well, let me put it this way. I’ve been taking care of kids for 20 years. I’ve had special little pet names for all of them. Sometimes they make sense (sort of) and sometimes they don’t really and sometimes they are minor (Sammy-o for Sammy) and sometimes they are not (Cricket for Jimmy, Lou for Lyra) but if a parent had told me not to use that pet name I would be horrified. It’s a special thing between a child that I really, really love and me, and having that kind of special name can a really great bonding thing. Be glad your child has people in her life who love her that much.