Hello,
I know that you have been asked questions about middle names before, however, I am at a loss about this one. My husband and I are expecting baby #2. We have agreed upon a first name, Layla and even a middle name, which is my middle name as well as my mom’s middle name. My mom is a beautiful, loving person who takes care of our first child during the week, so naming our child after her was never an issue at all. My husband’s mother however, just asked him to name our daughter’s second middle name after her, which he agreed to without asking me! Let’s put aside the fact that 2 middle names seems a bit much. This woman is not a nice woman by any stretch of the imagination. She has always been verbally abusive to my husband and never agreed about our marriage for no other reason than the fact that my husband had a bad first marriage experience. She has never met me, never spoken to me and never even called me to congratulate me on our first child. My husband is a forgiving man and chalks it up to this is how she is and has let it go and moved on and since this will make her happy, why not?I, on the other hand, find it hard to accept. I consider myself a very spiritual person and do believe in positive energies, and although it may sound odd, I do not want to associate such a negative person to our innocent child. I want a beautiful clean slate for her and not have her name associated with someone who has been chronically negative all her life.
I explained this to my husband, and he said if he can let the past go, why can’t I? And if this is going to make her happy, why not do it and that I am being selfish especially since our son’s middle name is my father’s middle name, which he wasn’t a big fan of. I explained, that my father is a loving man who has embraced him and our family and of course watches over our son with my mom during the week as well. There is no comparison! He said that if she was here, she would help as well. She is not the type of person who I would even want influencing our children.
Is it wrong to say no?
I told him I would tell his mom, no, if he doesn’t want to tell her. Which means our first conversation would be me explaining why I don’t want our child to be named after her. But I feel that I rather do that, then subject my daughter to a horrible name!
Am I being close minded???
JC
There is an enormous and immediate problem here, and it is all your husband’s fault. Let’s see if we can find a way to make that clear to him.
Here are the things that do matter, but are not the primary issue:
1. That your mother-in-law is a piece of work.
2. That her name would have a very negative association for you.
3. That you’d prefer not to use two middle names.
4. That your husband has forgiven his mother.
5. That he thinks his mother WOULD help with the kids if she were nearby.
6. That you would not want her to do so.
7. That the middle name he agreed to for the first child is your father’s middle name.
8. That your parents are good choices for honor names.
Here is what hugely matters:
1. That your husband made a decision about your baby’s name, with someone other than you, and without your agreement or consent.
That is such a violation, it makes me a little dizzy. Step one, and this must be done, is for him to call or write or email his mother and say, in whatever words work for him and for his relationship with her: “Mom, I made a terrible mistake. When you asked the other day if we’d give our daughter your name, I was an idiot and said yes without even thinking about it, or consulting my wife. Obviously I should have said that I would talk it over with her. And the thing is, Mom, we’ve already agreed on this baby’s name; it’s already settled. So we won’t be using your name for this baby.”
That last sentence is to save face and soften the blow: she can be left with the idea that it might very well happen with a future baby. He may say this ONLY if he can pull it off WITHOUT saying her name WILL be used for a future baby. He must FULLY UNDERSTAND this BEFORE having the conversation, or I believe he WILL end up promising. If he is talking with her in real-time, he needs a script that prepares him for what she is likely to say/ask, and he should practice. Something like, if she says “Well, the NEXT baby then for sure,” he can say lightly, “Ha ha! We’re just taking it one baby at a time, Mom!” Or if she says, “It’s not fair, the first two babies BOTH have HER parents’ names!,” he can say, “And they both have our family’s last name, Mom,” or “Well, really we just liked the names,” or “Well, Layla’s middle name is actually J.’s middle name—it just happens to also be her mom’s middle name,” or WHATEVER he can say that does NOT involve making ANY promises or making YOU look bad again in the future.
Your husband’s behavior has, unfortunately, put you in a terrible position. When he says yes to his mother, and then comes back and says no, the absolutely clear conclusion drawn by all parties will be that YOU said no. He looks like the good guy; you look like the bad guy. This is why this must never, never, never happen again. It is an enormous violation of the marital bond, and he needs to realize it: if he continues to fail to understand that point, I might go so far as to recommend professional counseling to help him understand it. He must never, ever, ever again make you look bad in order to make his mother happy. Never. He clearly has a tricky relationship with her, and he may have reasons for finding it hard to say no to her, but he must understand that he can’t use his marriage or your reputation as currency to buy approval from his mother, and he can’t make you into the bad guy when he does the wrong thing. It worries me that he would rather call you selfish and imply that you have a hard time letting go of the past, than take responsibility for his major error in judgment.
I am reminded of my first husband. We agreed that we wanted our first Christmas together to be just the two of us. We let both families know, way ahead of time. Then, several days before Christmas, my husband’s dad called. I listened in increasing horror as my husband first said, “No, we’re having our first Christmas just the two of us,” then after a little while said that HE wanted to go home for Christmas but I was the one who wanted it just the two of us, and then, finally, fatefully, agreed that we would indeed go spend Christmas with his parents. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what made that marriage end, but when I think back on it, that moment, and his failure to understand how serious a violation his behavior was (“But my dad said my mom was REALLY UPSET we weren’t coming”), was certainly a serious, serious crack.
You will have to take the fall for your husband’s mistake, I’m sorry to say. There is no getting away from it, which is why this can only happen once. His mother WILL end up thinking that her son wanted to name his daughter after her, but that his wife refused. I suggest breathing slowly in through the nose, out through the mouth. The situation at this time is the equivalent of your husband saying that HE wants to go home for Christmas, but YOU don’t. He has been a colossal idiot, but your daughter has not yet in fact been given his mother’s name, and so there is time to at least save that—and that is well worth saving.
I suggest, when you discuss this with your husband, staying on track. When he tries to divert the discussion to whether or not his mother would help with the children if she were nearby, to whether or not his mother was a good person, to whether or not he or you should forgive her, to whether or not it makes you selfish to not want to use his mother’s name, to what the two of you agreed to name your first child, you may need to again and again bring it back to this point: he is not allowed to make a decision on THIS child’s name without YOUR agreement.
The two of you AGREED to use your father’s middle name as your first child’s middle name; the two of you have NOT agreed to use his mother’s first name as this child’s middle name. The two of you may also agree that it’s best to let go of the past and for him to forgive his mother; that does not mean the two of you agreed to use his mother’s name as this child’s middle name. The two of you might or might not agree that his mother would/should help with the children if she were nearby; that does not mean the two of you agreed to use his mother’s name as this child’s middle name. The two of you may even at some point agree to use his mother’s name as a child’s middle name; that does not mean he can make that decision without you.
You and your husband are treating this as if it is an argument about the pros and cons of using his mother’s name. But it is not: it is an argument about whether he may or may not name the baby without your consent. He and his mother are not in charge of naming this baby; you and he are in charge of naming this baby. You and he together decided on Layla as her first name, and on your middle name as her middle name. He absolutely may say that he wants to revisit that decision; he absolutely may not make a new decision without you.
Spot on Swistle! Also, I can’t believe that a husband whose mother has made no effort to meet her daughter-in-law (or I’m assuming her first grandbaby?) could even be allowed to make a suggestion in anything that gets taken seriously. Naming your child after someone is a privilege and an honor; you don’t get it just by virtue of being the parent. It sounds like his mother wants to stir up some problems, too, and that is just not cool!
Your husband was wrong, without a doubt, BUT I think there might be some underlying jealousy there. Your family sounds wonderful and it is a shame that his family is not. He already agreed to the name, so you should move forward from there, but maybe he feels like when you say “my parents deserve an honor name and your parents don’t” (while true) still hurts his feelings. I think talking through his feelings and making sure you come from a place of understanding rather than offense will make him realize that HE doesn’t really want to name his child after his mother.
Good luck!
Although I absolutely agree with everything Swistle says here, I like your point too. If my spouse got to use an honor name that was special to her for the first baby, I’d be kind of upset if she wanted to claim the middle name spot again, particularly if everybody in the family already has the same surname. (It’d be a little different if the kids had my surname and not hers.) Even if his parents aren’t a good choice for middle names, there may be a special person/place/concept/whatever that he would like to use as an honor middle name, and given his inability to stand up to his mother, he may have difficulty voicing those types of sensitive opinions to his wife too.
That said, he still screwed up royally by agreeing to a name that he hadn’t even discussed with his wife. I mean, WHAT?! That needs to be walked back, pronto!
Oh, I like the suggestion that the LW’s husband choose another name from his family tree (or a name of anyone he might want to honor!) for use as a second middle. I think that’s a gentle way for him to save some face in this disagreement.
I took my husband’s surname when we got married, but this was not an easy thing to do–and I think we both recognize that our children have his family name, even if it’s a name that I legally share. My kids have my maiden name as their middle name, which I think balances out the family connection to both sides. Although my in-laws are great, I would have a hard time giving my kids middle names from my husband’s side of the family since they already have one name connecting them to his family . . . And I can’t imagine how much harder it would be if the in-laws were difficult.
Yeah, asking to be a namesake in a manipulative manner = not okay. Say no. Not your responsibility to communicate with his mom.
A word of compassion for your mate: he is probably doing his best to be a get along guy, but he got played. It can be so hard to realize something is inappropriate when it comes from a parent. So he needs your perspective and strength. But it’s his job to tell her.
Best of luck with a tricky situation!
Great comment. I agree 100% with Swistle. But when you have the conversation with your partner, it would be helpful if you go into it realizing he was PROBABLY trying to be the get along guy and had decent intentions even though he ended up making a giant mistake and succumbing to the influence of his manipulative mother.
I loved Swistle’s answer and I also agree with your point about not noticing inappropriate behavior when coming from a parent. What an unfortunate situation!
The hardest part will be keeping the discussion on track – the only topic is that you two name the baby together and no one else. You will want to talk about his mom, the past, your parents – all off topic. You will never come to a satisfactory conclusion if you let the other (while legit) topics get dragged in.
I agree 100% with Swistle. This needs to be readdressed with your husband. Focusing on the true issue — that naming your baby is a decision that you and your husband make together.
Shortly after I was born, my grandmother took my father aside and told him that she hated the name that he and my mother had chosen for me. She suggested an alternative. My father, not wanting to displease his overbearing mother, convinced my mother to name me that name. My mother had just had a baby and was highly medicated. She agreed to name me the name that my grandmother suggested, even though she and my father had a name already picked out. Thirty-five years later, she is still upset about how that naming process played out. She is still resentful about the process. It is not about missing out on using a name that they chose. It is about the fact that he allowed someone else into the decision making process that was THEIR decision-making process.
If I can speak a little spiritually here. When you and your husband entered into marriage, you became one. That’s the whole symbolism of the candle-lighting that people like to do nowadays. Two candles light one candle. From that day forward, your husband and you work to present a united face to the world and think about the other person’s needs/desires. Clearly, this is an ideal that we work on continuously and is never easy. I hope that your husband can understand that his conversation with his mother created an impression that there was separation between you two. That should NEVER happen again. Whatever name you two decide upon for your child, it needs to be presented to the world (and to this lovely little lady soon to join your family) as a united decision.
Good luck!
I thought my head was going to explode while reading this. I can’t imagine how frustrating and upsetting this is for you, and I also feel terrible for your husband. He is clearly in an awful position; in no way does that excuse what he did, but i can’t help but feel bad for someone with such a manipulative woman for a mother.
Swistle is spot on. The trick is going to be keeping the argument about the issue at hand. You’ll probably have to repeat, “This isn’t about your mother; this is about us agreeing on the name of our child” every time he veers off-topic. And he most definitely needs to be the one to tell his mother that plans changed; he created this problem and he needs to be the one to fix it.
Best of luck to you and your husband. I really hope that this can be resolved without too much verbal bloodshed. Please keep us posted on how it goes.
I agree completely with Swistle that this conversation needs to be about shared decision making and not any of the other factors.
However, it also always makes me nervous when two women who barely have any contact with each other (or in this case, none) are at odds, with some poor, forgiving, trying-to-be-a-go-along-guy stuck in the middle. So often that guy turns out to be playing both women against each other and not being completely fair to either of them. If the husband is starting to walk back on his negativity about his mother now that there are grandchildren, I think the wife needs to be open to the idea that she doesn’t know the whole story yet. But still name their daughter the name that they agreed on together.
Swistle: *drops mic*
—
In all seriousness, this was an excellent response to a sensitive and frustrating problem, with all the right parts teased out and made clear.
This is such a frustrating situation. I feel for you. Excellent advice Swistle.
Swistle, have you ever considered getting a degree as a psychotherapist, or becoming a sort of life coach? You have talent! In other words, on this one I think you nailed it.
Another idea that came to mind, not mentioned by Swistle, is perhaps…well, fibbing is too light a word. But how will this woman ever know if the child actually has her name or not? It doesn’t sound like she’d ever see the birth certificate, considering she isn’t even involved in the children’s lives (and the writer has never met her!). It’s unclear if she’s even met the children (which makes me think perhaps she’s even in a foreign country?? or doesn’t speak English?). And how old is she? Or, trying to be delicate her… how much longer will she likely be among us?
It’s deceitful, but perhaps placating her by having the husband say the name was used, while not actually using it, is a way out in which face is saved and fewer feelings are hurt.
(Note: I myself hate lying, and am a terrible liar/fibber who is always caught when I try it, even for a white lie, so I recommend this route with *extreme reservations*. But at the same time, it seems like a solution that could result in the fewest number of feelings hurt, especially if the MIL is quite elderly– she might not be around by the time the child is old enough to talk about her middle names, and MIL can go to the grave thinking she was honored… Ahhh, even writing this, I feel bad… So take this whole suggestion with EXTREME CAUTION that it could make everything worse! I feel bad even suggesting it, but I know in some families this kind of lie could be the best, kindest route for everyone involved!)
Extrapolating from the above: you could also just leave the second middle name (MIL’s) off the official birth certificate but use it casually when in conversation with her. Different cultures have different attitudes towards names, middle names, etc. and in many this wouldn’t be a big deal. I have a friend with 3 middle names (for cultural reasons) but being born in the US, only two are on her actual birth certificate.
It seems like this could work, but it also seems like it ignores the very huge boundary issues her husband has going on. If his mother “wins” on the middle name, that might just make the situation worse. Naming a baby is one of the most obvious parents-only decisions there is, and if I were the letter writer, I’d want to get the feelings of martial betrayal resolved sooner rather than later. But I do kind of see your point if this woman is so absent/uninvolved that she’s never even met Baby #1…
True, I agree about the boundary issues– I just thought Swistle did a better job than I could in explaining them. I’d be livid if I were her, but also open to negotiating in some way (but still livid).
Unpopular opinion: I think LW should let it go. 2nd middle name is a tiny deal (in reality, nobody cares about middle names, let alone second..), and this isn’t worth the fight. I mean, she’s correct ideologically, but her mother-in-law also may have a reason to be like this, and it really seems worthless to fight. If LW’s husband cares about his mother, then she must not be that bad to him. She matters despite LW’s feelings.
Let’s say you are right- let’s say the LW should “let it go” and use her MIL’s name. In that case, what is being “let go” is her spiritual feelings about a clean slate – not her right to be consulted in marital decision-making. This means that the appropriate course would be to have the “marital decision-making” conversation, have her husband contact his MIL to advise, as per Swistle’s script, that he made a mistake and should never have made a unilateral decision – and that he needs his mother to understand and accept this, as every spouse deserves to be treated this way – whether it is his wife by him, or him by his wife, or her by her spouse. THEN, and only then, should LW say “okay let’s have that conversation about our baby’s name” and maybe she will “let it go”. However, as you can see, the “let it go” approach doesn’t, actually, circumvent the problem here, which was the unilateral decision-making.
My mother in law is a terrible person who met me only after my SIL had died and years after we were married. So I’m extra sensitive about this one. What a giant violation. I hope that it’s just that your husband is such a nice guy, and was trying to make nice with his shitty mom, but man am I PISSED on your behalf. My husband and his mom were estranged for years. Is it possible to have no one talk to his mom and then you just name the kid what you already agreed on and that’s it. Don’t bother sending her an announcement and some day when/if she meets your kids maybe she’ll find out but maybe she won’t.
Or is that just what I would do l, after possibly murdering my husband? Hard to say.
Either way, no chance that I would name my kid after her. That said, I would be open to other honor names from my husband’s side of the family that weren’t associated with terrible, awful people. (My son also has my dad’s middle name and I know that for the next one my husband would probably prefer a nod to his side of the family, so we’ll see).
Anyway good luck! And try not to murder your spouse or MIL although I wouldn’t judge you either way.
I see no reason why the mother-in-law should be informed of any choice going forward, so the question of “who tells her” is a moot point to me. I don’t think the LW’s husband should even be in contact with his mother, given the fact that she refuses to acknowledge his wife!
Just a bit off topic but related: I’m friends with a couple whose child-to-be was offered a generous multi-million dollar inheritance if they would agree to name their son after the husband’s father, in which case he would have been John —- IV. They already had a name picked out they both agreed upon, and they did not like, get along with, or wish to honor this grandfather–they were barely on speaking terms. They stuck to their guns. Their son got the name they chose, and not the inheritance. Though I should add here that this was not a matter of being in poverty versus being comfortable. It was a matter of being ridiculously comfortable versus what most of us would consider being extremely well off. But I still thought it was practically headline material that they were able to resist this kind of familial pressure, and I wasn’t alone in wondering what I’d have chosen to do–it was a popular topic of discussion around these parts for months.
Hell, *I’ll* name my kid John ___ IV. Let them know. I mean, good for them. But really, John *Dash* IV really has a certain charm. Plus you could always spin it that the kid’s named after his dad (or another one of the Johns I through III.
My great-grandfather sort of bribed my parents to name me after his *third* wife. My middle name is after her, so they got $500. Lo and behold, the cousin born after me was given a first name after her and they got $1000. Let’s all make a pact to keep money out of baby naming.
I thought the top of my head was going to pop off while reading this! AAACCCKK!
I think that this name should not be used for this baby, because both parents need to agree and one parent vehemently DOES NOT AGREE. And while I agree that JC and her husband need to talk about this (which will be very tricky as others have said), I don’t see that he needs to talk to his mom about it at all. Just don’t name the baby that. If she mentions it after the fact, just say that “it didn’t flow” or “it didn’t sound right” or “we wanted to give the baby JC’s middle name”. Avoidance. It’s a decent tactic with people like the MIL here.
It has happened to many of us in a less extreme situation. It happened to me. I promised my grandma I’d name my firstborn son after the grandfather I never met. Then I got married to someone with a last name that just wouldn’t work with my grandfather’s first name. So I had to tell her that I’d changed my mind. Perhaps have your husband mention that he changed his mind after your daughter is born and the birth certificate is complete. If he can’t resist his mother’s requests, then telling her after the fact could be easier on everyone. His ability to follow through with this would I guess depend on how often he talks to his mom, and how well he can keep a secret, and how soon the baby is due.
I’m right there with everyone who’s head is going to explode.
Don’t you DARE call her for him.
That is utterly ridiculous.
This. ALL of this, so damn hard. Get this nipped in the bud NOW. I have 16 years of mother-in-law bullshit backing all of this up, it will only get worse. You may think that you don’t care if she blames you for everything because you hate her anyway, but it matters. She will know that you guys are not a united front and she will use that knowledge for evil.
I love the “Ask Swistle” column. So great!
You guys are your own family now. And Layla is a lovely name.
Please please send us an update!
There is often compromise in baby naming but that should be compromise between the two parents and no one else. I think you have a sequence of things to deal.
1) MARRIAGE ISSUE – “which he agreed to without asking me!” – as Swistle pointed out this is most important issue. There are no major life decisions that involve you and your family that your husband should be making without consulting you. You will find that compromise on both your parts on many issues will be required over the years but neither of you should be deciding things that impact either of you or your children alone. It is critical to establish this.
2) HUSBAND ISSUE – “My husband is a forgiving man and chalks it up to this is how she is and has let it go and moved on and since this will make her happy, why not?” You husband is hurting because he did have the nurturing mother you had and he still seeks her approval. This is natural and common in people who have distant, cold, abusive mothers. I don’t hear much sympathy in your post regarding your husbands emotional needs despite your view of yourself as spiritual. You can’t declare your husband’s mother an awful person (even if she is) and just expect him not to care at all about her. His belief that she would help with the kids if she lived close by kind of drives home the point he longs for his mother to be more like yours. It would help to start asking him in loving way why it is important to him that his mother is happy, what kind of relationship he would like with his mother, and how you can help support him in that (without just giving into her demands).
3) MOTHER-IN-LAW ISSUE – “I told him I would tell his mom, no, if he doesn’t want to tell her.” – do not go to war with your mother-in-law no matter how awful you think she is. She still matters to your husband and I have seen too many marriages fail because a man is caught between his mother and his wife. This does not mean giving into her demands on the name but I think it does mean that YOU do not confront her. It also means you do NOT keep reminding your husband how awful she is. The best options for dealing with the “not using her name” decision is to have either your husband tell her now, leave it to the birth announcement time, or just don’t tell her at.
4) NAME ISSUE – “… I am being selfish especially since our son’s middle name is my father’s middle name, which he wasn’t a big fan of.” It does strike me that your husband agrees to things to keep the peace with you as well as your mother. He was not happy with your son’s middle name but gave in and, if you knew that the time, I expect you were pleased to get your way. As I said originally, marriage is all about compromise but the compromise should not always be on one persons part. I would be sure that he really loves the first and middle name of this new baby and if he doesn’t that maybe there is another middle name that you could both agree on. There are other ways to honor your mother than using her middle name (what about her maiden name, place she grew up, favorite flower, color, author, etc.) Only go forward with your current plan if your husband is completely on board with the choice. You don’t want him “not a big fan of” both of your children’s middle names if you can avoid it.
Of all the comments, this one was my favorite. I liked it better than swistle’s response.
This comment is A+, and perfectly explains why I felt bad for the husband despite clearly seeing that agreeing to the name was a big violation.
+1
While I feel for your situation I do think you need to pause and think about your husband’s feelings. My MIL is hard work, early in our marriage I said something rude about her and my dad pulled me up ‘no matter what – you don’t get to bad mouth someone’s mother’ best advice I ever got and it probably saved my marriage. No matter what she does ) I sympathise with my dh but stop short of criticising her.
If it is true how bad mil is it must be doubly hard to hear you praise your mum. Maybe think about that – reality is that they probably annoy your dh occasionally but he is too polite to mention it.
I do think it was unfair to use a name you knew your dh was ambivalent about, if you did then he should get a bigger say this time, not necessarily his mums name but possibly not your mums name either. If you are worried about upsetting your mum think that you are asking him to do the same.
I wasn’t keen on using my mils name so I suggested the feminine form of my dh for our daughter, fortunately he loved it, I think you need to compromise too.
I honestly think the way to keep the conversation on topic is to throw out the middle name that’s been discussed, and let him take the lead on deciding it, with the OP getting veto power. That way he gets his needs addressed, and the OP can concentrate on the bigger marital issue.
Maybe it’s his mother’s middle or maiden name, maybe it’s another female relative, maybe he even lets his mother have input, once the major problem has been discussed, and if his wife buys off on it. That’s fair (and if it makes the OP uncomfortable, well, that’s worth looking at as well.)
Amen!
Yes to everything Swistle said. Not cool.
But then, after that issue is handled, you may need to revisit whether or not the middle name stays as your mother’s name. It doesn’t sound like he’s on board with that, and no matter how wonderful your mom is, he still is allowed to not want to name your child after her. That’s a completely separate conversation though.
I would *really, really* like for Swistle to come and moderate all of my familial/marriage situations. In fact, I have A LOT on my plate that I could really use diplomacy and clear headedness to help me deal with. Would you mind expanding your advice-giving to non-baby-naming situations?
JC, I sincerely hope that you heed the advice that Swistle has given about the baby naming and that marital quagmire surrounding it.
Just FYI, my MIL pressured us intensely to use her choice of name for our second child (not surprisingly an offshoot of her own name). We resisted and she got over it but every once in a while, she goes out of her way to describe how our daughter is SO VERY MUCH LIKE HER. Sigh.
Best of luck.
Yes, my daughter was supposed to be named after MIL (cultural tradition) but we did not, for many reasons the primary one being its not a pretty name or easy to pronounce in English. And so MIL refuses to use the name we chose and refers to the child only as “little girl” and has kept that up for 8 years now.
Patents are the only ones with naming rights. Grandparents, even local lovely ones, should not be making suggestions or having (audible) opinions. Stand up for yourself, or her next idea could be worse!
A grandmother calling her granddaughter “little girl” for 8 YEARS?! My congratulations on your fortitude.
Yes to all of Swistle’s points. I like the suggestion of a middle from his side, perhaps a feminine version of his own name or middle name. I also think that the LW might consider revisiting the choice of her mother’s name if he’s ambivalent about it.
http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/10/04/fashion/your-choice-or-theirs-the-new-tug-of-war-over-baby-names.html
A timely article in the New York Times…
Note for all the future grandparents here. If you have a family name you’d *really* like to see used, mention it to your kid(s) *casually* long before it becomes an issue, but only do it once. Something like “My dad was such a wonderful guy; I hope his name gets reused in the family someday.” Doing this for your own name, however, is a bit tacky.
My father kept pressuring me to change our plan for our son’s middle name while I was expecting to one or another of the family names on his side. There were a few problems with this: A) we didn’t know there were any for boys (my name is repeated over at least 5 generations so that was pretty obvious), B) the name we already picked honored my brother and Dad’s BIL and my brother would have been just as uspet if we changed it, C) I dislike my grandfather’s name (though I do honor his memory), and D) we had settled on the boy’s name before he was even conceived, we posted both male and female names as soon as we had confirmation, and Dad didn’t notice until I was 6 months along?