Hi Swistle!
I am so excited to write to you, I can barely type. Ha! Your blog feeds my inner naming desires. :)
My name is Christy. Hubby is Andrew. After four years of marriage, I still have extreme difficulty accepting my husband’s last name, which is Stewart, minus the T at the end. I have unofficially hyphenated my last name, but go by my maiden name 99.9999999% of the time.
I dislike the last name for several reasons such as: it needs to be spelled out every time it is spoken, often mispronounced (My kindergarteners called me Mrs. Sewer for a week), and I do not like the sound of it in general.
Anyway, we are pregnant for our fist child- a baby boy in March! YAY!
My dilema is the following: Should I choose a traditional name to avoid my child spelling both his FIRST and LAST name for a lifetime?
We would like 3-4 children. We take a liking to slightly askew names such as Julian, Beckett, Elliott, Corbin, or Sebastian. However, I am not against traditional names such as Benjamin, Will, or Thomas.
Is spelling your first and last name something you just get use to? I am no stranger to spelling “Christy” as there are many variations.
Second, do you think I’ll learn to love my husband’s last name once my baby is here?
Thank you for your input. I appreciate your on-going creativity and attention to details with names.
-Christy
I am getting stuck on a couple of details. If we were talking in person, I would be saying “One: Is your LEGAL NAME your maiden name or your married name? Two: In what situations do you use your married name? Three: In what situations do you use your maiden name? Four: In what situations do you use the hyphenated form?” And so on.
But that would just be to satisfy my own curiosity: none of that really matters for what you’re asking. WHATEVER the surname situation, if it has been four years and you’re still having a very hard time with your husband’s surname, and you almost never use it yourself—is NOT using your husband’s surname for the children a possibility? Could you and the kids (and your husband too, if you’d like a unified family name) have YOUR surname? It doesn’t seem likely that you’d start loving his surname after the baby was born, though you may feel slightly less negative about it with time. I dislike Paul’s surname (hard to spell and pronounce, and I think it has an unpleasant sound), but as the years go by I do get more accustomed to it—and perhaps that has in part been from hearing it on my children.
To move on to your next question, I don’t see any reason to choose a first name you don’t have to spell, just because you DO have to spell the surname. I think it’s very common to have to spell both names (for not-sure-I-heard-it reasons as often as for not-sure-I-know-how-to-spell-it reasons), and that yes, we get used to it. Awhile back I worked at a pharmacy, and all day long we had people spelling their first and last names for us. Unless your maiden name is something really easy, my guess is that you’ve had a lifetime of experience with this yourself. Certainly I’d avoid making it deliberately HARDER (Bennjamin, Bekkitt), but that’s not the sort of spelling you’re considering. In short, I don’t find spelling my name to be a huge burden, and I don’t think you have to choose the name Thomas if you prefer the name Sebastian.
And if you DO use your husband’s surname for the baby even though you hate the name, that seems to me even MORE reason to choose a first name you love, rather than choosing something to accommodate the surname.
My name is Christine, and I end up spelling it all the time anyway. Last name is Harris with a different first letter (also my maiden name), and as relatively easy as it is, I still have to spell it.
For what it’s worth, we have a Julian who has his dad’s last name that we always have to spell. It’s been fine. People haven’t really had an issue with Julian, they probably would have an issue with most of your other choices either.
Good luck!
*wouldn’t have an issue with your other choices.
My husband has a great surname and it still took me nearly 10 years to get used to it as mine. Although I am still hyphenated and go by maiden-married nearly all the time, recently I have become more comfortable with giving my name is ‘first married’ for hair appointments, for things with my children, etc. To be honest, I think having children makes a huge difference in becoming accustomed to one’s married name, as it is now the name of my children as well and not to get too sappy, but we are family (what’s mine is yours, etc etc)!
BUT if your last name is difficult, I think having a very easy first name is the way to go. I think it is very satisfying in life to be able to give one’s first name and not have to spell it (says a Martha). Just my 2 cents.
I always spell both of my names, and its not really a problem. My first name nobody can be expected to get right the first time, my maiden name was Moore, which you’d think people would get right but they don’t a surprising amount of the time, and my married name is Clifford, which actually I’m guessing almost everyone would get right but I’m so used to spelling my name at this point that it’s just a reflex. If your last name was 10 letters+ I’d say maybe think about keeping it simple, but “Elliott $tewer, with two t’s at the end of Elliott and no t’s at the end of $tewer” sounds almost as catchy as “shaken, not stirred,” so I say go for it.
Honestly, I don’t think it matters if you pick an “easier to spell” name – you/they will still have to spell it all the time.
I work in a drs office & i don’t care if your name is John Smith – we ask you to spell it. These days it could be: Jon, Jahn, Johnn, Jonn, Smithe, Smitth, Smmith.. etc.
It seems ridiculous but there are so many “creative” spellings and/or anomalies that its easier to just ask everyone.
So don’t worry – just pick a name you love!
Agreed! I too make appointments all day at work and we always ask you to spell the name due to all the “creative” spellings these days. As long as you choose a somewhat traditional spelling of the name (like Swistle said, choose Benjamin not Bennjamen or whatever) you will be fine.
I also wanted to add that I was not stoked about my husband’s last name at first either. It’s a fine name, but it just doesn’t go with my first name as well so it clashes a little. I knew I wanted to change my name, but (totally objectively of course) I just thought my maiden name was better! But honestly it has grown on me and now when I think of future littles with it it’s pretty cute.
Yeah but there is spelling and there is spelling! My name is easy ‘Rebecca, with a double c a’ end conversation, my hubby has a name you don’t recognise ‘johhnn, j o double h double n, no that’s 2 h 2 n, yep 2 doubles, no hang on, yep don’t worry about it (they still spell it wrong). And if you have an accent or hearing problem even worse. Imo a hard surname needs an easy first or the effect is cumulative.
Also that isn’t My hubby’s real name lol. His is worse!
“hard to spell and pronounce, and I think it has an unpleasant sound” describes my married name to a T. I did take it legally (with my maiden name moved to the middle name slot) and have gotten more used to it with time. Having kids DID help me to like the name better. Most people seem to genuinely like/identify with the last name they’re born with and my kids are no different. They’re bringing me around a little. Plus, as time goes by it just doesn’t seem to matter as much anymore.
Oh! And it makes our family kind of a team. The “no one can say our last name” team. I feel fully part of the team now instead of some outsider who was forced to join.
I agree you shouldn’t make ease of spelling the first criteria. I might consider it if it helped you choose between finalists, but otherwise I’d go with what you like.
Also, since this is your first child, the last name really is up for grabs. You don’t have to use his.
For what it’s worth, I was given an incredibly uncommon name (Sela) that I will forever be spelling and pronouncing and explaining, to go along with my last name, which is foreign and seemingly IMPOSSIBLE for people to spell/pronounce…even after I tell them how several times. It’s also not exactly the prettiest last name.
Anyway, I’ve come to terms with my names. I think spelling/pronouncing them over and over again have made them all the more MINE, my consolation prize, truly a part of myself. If my girlfriend and I marry, we’d take her mother’s maiden name, which also isn’t spelled/pronounced phonetically in English, and I don’t plan on giving my children super simple names to make up for it. My plan, however, is to give them simpler nicknames, because that was something I never had. So we shall see…
So anyway, yes, as a person who is forever spelling/pronouncing/explaining her (foreign, INCREDIBLY uncommon first & last names), your kid will live. Don’t feel guilty about it.
Ohhh this issue! I have this issue too. My partner’s surname is a word and comes across as very “cute”. I have to be really careful when thinking up name combinations, lest we end up with a gaggle of children who sound straight out of Mother Goose. (Hint: the surname is another word for “Little”, with an ee sound on the end.)
In your case, it’s more the awkwardness of the closeness to sewer and stewed/stew… I also hear skewer.
I agree with Swistle. Have you considered using your surname for the kids? I’ve considered this option as well and my partner is fine with it– but I don’t like my own surname much better, nor do I feel very attached to it for family reasons, so I’m not sure what the answer it.
In general, one compromise I’ve found is considering longer first names. The longer the name, the less noticeable the surname. When I say “Sebastian S…” or “Benjamin S…”, the surname is less impactful than Will S…
Just for your own curiosity/reference…and nearly completely unrelated to the topic at hand…it’s possible she’s from Canada where we don’t actually change our name when we get married – we take on an “assumed name” — like a shady criminal or something. :)
I used to be a legal secretary and heard a lecture from the lawyer that I worked for many times: “A married woman is allowed to simultaneously and legally use BOTH her maiden and married names.” (I heard that lecture so many times that I actually do that – I use my maiden name at work and married name at home, with no problems.) When we get married here, our birth certificate doesn’t change as we are only operating under this assumed name (unless you want a hyphenated name — then you have to do the legal name change rigamarole, which involves advertising in the newspaper in case you’re trying to avoid creditors, etc. Then your birth certificate will change.) So we just bring our marriage certificate to the passport office the first time, the driver’s license place and the bank – no problems and no legal name change required.
The only issue one might run into is that the name on our SIN (SSN equivalent) dictates how your payroll department refers to you. So I didn’t change mine as I used my maiden name at work, but I do file my taxes as my married name. Canada Revenue doesn’t care. :)
It really doesn’t sound like Canada is all that different from the U.S. Our birth certificate doesn’t change when we get married. If we choose to change our name, we take our marriage certificate to the DMV & they issue a new driver’s license. Passports are the same, just apply with a copy of the birth certificate plus marriage license to have it issued in the new name. However, if we don’t do all of this, our husband’s surname isn’t our legal name. Plenty of women keep their own name’s legally but still use their husband’s socially. A woman could also change her name legally but still use her maiden name professionally (though a legal change will mean payroll will not be issued in her maiden name).
The only major difference would be our SSN card, that’s our legal name for IRS & payroll purposes. It is strongly advisable to change your SSN card if you are also changing your driver’s license or passport (since the Soc Security # is linked up to your DMV & passport records).
Hmm, my gut reaction (to whether to give a first name that dorsn’t necessarily require spelling) is yes, but then again, even names like John sometimes need to be spelled (jon or john?) many times i’ve had to spell megan. No, no h in the middle. Only one n. megAn, not En or In. Only one g, and so forth.
But then again, unless it is a doctor’s office or something, how many times in a day must one spell one’s first name. If I am introduced to someone, they don’t care if it is Megan or Meghan.
We have a difficult (Greek) always-must-be-spelled last name so made an effort when naming our two boys to pick names that were a) immediately recognizable as boys names and b) traditional spellings. Yes, they still may have to spell both names at doctor’s offices or pharmacies, but for general use (school, meeting new kids etc) they don’t need to spell their first names.
I don’t see how your slightly “askew” first names are really that difficult or confusing to spell. They are traditional names that happen to be less common than Benjamin or Thomas, but most people should still be familiar with them. I’ll add that even names that are both very common & traditional still sometimes need clarification. I’m married to a John who is always having to spell his name (is it J-O-H-N or J-O-N?) Pick the name you like best. It’ll be fine.
I totally agree that your “slightly askew” names don’t seem unusual at all. I could see Elliott needing to be spelled (how many Ls and how many Ts?), but the others seem really straightforward to me. I vote that you use one of the names you love.
Also, if you really dislike Stewart-without-the-last-T, see how your husband would feel about using your surname for your children. Having lived with it for his entire life, he may be plenty sympathetic to his son having to struggle with it too.
I went the other way, from a birth name that hearers couldn’t spell and readers couldn’t pronounce (it’s only 5 letters long, but even my dad pronounces it differently depending on whether he introduces himself as “Bob” or “Robert”!) to Miller. And i still have to spell it, especially on the phone.
Our son’s name is slightly unusual (F0rd0n, like Gordon with an F) and my husband’s first name is also slightly unusual (Stevens, like a last name, but it’s a first name). Meanwhile, my first name is about as usual as it gets and I still have to spell it, does it have an S? A starting E?
My feeling is you should use a name you love regardless of whether or not you think you’ll have to spell it.
If there’s a name you love don’t worry about the spelling, your kid will get use to it. Where I live we use both parents last names so all my life I’ve been spelling my first name and both last names and honestly I wouldn’t change any of them.
Also I don’t think the names you mentioned as “slightly askew” are unusual at all, so as long as you love it go for it.
I think everyone has to spell their first and last names at least some of the time because other people want to make sure they have the RIGHT spelling, not the conventional spelling (for example, Jane could also be Jayne, Elizabeth could be Elisabeth, Jon could also be John, Katie could be Caty….) The only way I think you can really get around it is by going with William, Edward and Mary (wait, is that Mary, Mari, Marrie,or Marie?)
As far as surnames go, I think Stewar is pretty run of the mill. When I heard it, I immediately thought of Downton Abbey (isn’t that some kind of position in the household?). In terms of “it needs to be spelled out every time it is spoken, often mispronounced”… I wouldn’t worry about this for a future child. Growing up with an often mispronounced last name, I learned to just spell it out for people right off the bat rather than bother having a conversation about it. Your child won’t think of it as a big deal because it will just be a part of their life. They won’t have to make an adjustment like you did- it will just be “their name” and they won’t know any differently.
When it comes to the part where you say that you “do not like the sound of it in general” it gets more complicated. You could always see if your husband would be willing to hyphenate the child’s last name or use your maiden name. Do you hate the last name in theory or just on yourself?
I would also practice ways to make life with a troublesome last name less annoying. Why not introduce yourself/family with a little explanation? “Hi I’m Christy Stewar… it’s like Stewart but without the T.” You could also just revert back to your maiden name 100% of the time. There’s no law that says you have to change your name. Or, if you really want to keep it, why not have your kindergartener’s call you Ms. Christy or Ms. S instead of Ms. Stewar? My grade four teacher (with a totally unpronounceable last name) did this and it made everyone’s life easier.
Good Luck!
I guess my point is- pick a name you love. As long as it’s not totally burdensome (i.e. I would avoid naming your child Adolf, Harry Potter or anything cre8tive) they’ll learn to navigate the world with it.
This may or may not help, but I have to spell both my names frequently and they are both short and common. Erin is often misheard as Eric or Aaron or Erica, and even if it’s heard properly people try to spell it in some really special ways (Eiron, Arin, Eran). Last name King is frequently misheard as Kane/Cane. (Oddly, my husband never has to spell it out.)
I say pick the name you want and if he has to spell it, he has to spell it. It’s really not that annoying for me. I have to spell out my kids’ names too (because there are multiple spellings of Kaylee, and Lorelai is both uncommon and also not the traditional spelling).
I went from Brown to an especially uncommon surname upon marriage. It always has to be spelled… always.
But it’s my husband’s name, and I love it for just that very reason.
I know I can’t be alone in this. Otherwise, surnames like Boob and Hooker would have died off generations ago!
Yesterday’s post was about profession names; perhaps a stewer was one who was a chef… or a philosopher!
Your son will share your feelings about his name. If you’re proud of his heritage, he will be, too.
And I agree with many other posters: pick a name you love… having to spell your first a last name aren’t nearly as big of a deal as you might imagine. :) Congrats!
My maiden name was Smith and I was asked to spell it when doing anything over the phone that requires a name! I will say, my less common married surname is much longer and I get annoyed with the amount of letters to spell….so my advice is if you know it will need to be spelled, try spelling the full name out loud. You may lean toward something with an easy, short nickname (Thomas) as mentioned above.
I was just thinking about my experience at the pharmacy before Swistle brought it up. I always get so irritated at the pharmacy. I have, in my opinion, a ridiculously easy name to spell. I legally took my husband’s last name, which is a quite common, 1 syllable word name, but that most people want to add an E to at the end. Let’s use Brown, for this example. So say my name would be Erin Brown. Sounds easy enough, right? But no. Do you know how many people want to spell my name Aaron? When I am looking them in the face, and am very clearly, quite obviously, a female? I feel like it is my life’s duty to inform the ignorant that males spell it Aaron, and females Erin.
So when I am at the pharmacy, for example, I say “Erin Brown. Erin with an E, Brown like the color”. I feel like it’s my little catch phrase, and I’m rather fond of it now! Although I’m always tempted to just say “Erin Brown” and see what happens, no spelling offered. Last time I did that though, I ended up with 2 accounts at the pharmacy. 1 for Erin Brown, 1 for Aaron Brown. Sigh.
…and just to make things extra super confusing, I know a male Erin. People are weird.
This may be a bit of a dissenting vote, but I’ve spent my whole life with impossible-to-pronounce/spell first and last names, both maiden and married. And I’ve found it annoying, personally. My siblings have equally impossible names and we all agree we’d rather not. My brother has gone by his first initial for the past ten years.
As a result, when choosing a name for my first child, due in February, I specifically looked for names that were classic, well-known, and easy to spell. I suppose my daughter will always have to confirm that it’s J-A-N-E or M-A-R-Y, and she’ll always have to spell her last name, but at least on the first day of school each year teachers won’t drag out the first few syllables of her name (pronounced incorrectly), waiting for her to speak up and finish her name so they don’t totally embarrass themselves.
Yes, this sounds like a different category of name than the kind the letter-writer is asking about.