Good morning-
I’ve been reading your posts as inspiration, but it’s time to ask for personal help. I am due December 19th with a baby girl, and we are so excited! We have a little boy named Evan, and he’ll be 3 in January. Our last name is Smithler.
I love classic and girly names; my favorites being Holly and Samantha. I also love S names… Sierra, Sarah, Scarlett. My husband said Holly (and any other seasonal name) is too cliché, and he does not care for Samantha, nor any of the S names I suggested. He wants a name that is not super popular, and likes Kendra, Eva and Sloan. Kendra is our “agree to disagree” name…. if baby has no name come birth, I said fine, we’ll use it. It just doesn’t feel perfect though.
We’ve gone through every Internet site and baby book. It leaves us frustrated and me ready to throw in the towel and call her “Hey You”. My husband stands his ground with the 3 names above. If anyone is going to give in, it will be me.
Other names I’ve thrown out that he said no to include:
Erin, Ava/Avery, Nora, Macy/Lacey, Emily, Melody/Melanie, Kyla/Kayla… the list goes on.
Please help! We will update you of the name when our precious gift comes.
Thank you!
Anna and Nick
Am I understanding you correctly that your husband has vetoed all your favorites, has narrowed the list down to three names he likes, and now he will not budge? For the sake of my blood pressure, I am trying to think of another interpretation, but without success. I suppose there is the possibility that he chose the three names off your favorites list, but your feelings about the name Kendra don’t support that interpretation.
I will say this: that it definitely can be intensely frustrating and discouraging to look at name after name after name and not find anything that feels right—but that the solution to that is not for one parent to say “I’m not looking anymore: we choose one of these three names I like, and that’s it.” If he wanted to give up the search, he could say, “I’m done: let’s just pick one of your favorites”: that would be an acceptable (if not completely satisfactory) way to bow out. But to say “I’m done: we’re picking one of MY favorites”? No.
But something else catches my attention in this letter: the word “perfect.” I’m not sure anything inhibits the naming process quite as insidiously as the search for perfection. No name will be perfect: every name will have something that is not quite right about it. If you have gone through every website and name book and haven’t found anything perfect, then there is no perfect name: you will need to choose your favorite among the non-perfect options.
Kendra is the right name for this baby if it is your joint favorite among all the non-perfect options. It is probably not the right name for this baby if it is one of your husband’s top three and much much lower on your own list. On the other hand, if you find yourself going round and round in a search for unachievable perfection, and your husband is earnestly and openly considering all your favorites and trying to like them but he just doesn’t, and the ONLY place where your tastes intersect at all is high on his list and low on yours, it may be that this is the only way this baby will be named. It is not uncommon for parents to have to make a compromise like this. Of course it isn’t ideal: the ideal would be for the name to be the favorite of both parents. But considering how different people’s tastes are, it’s only surprising to me that two people are EVER both happy about a name choice.
Looking at his list, though, I notice that the name Eva is only one letter off from Evan. And I found the name Sloane Smithler challenging to say, and unpleasant in the mouth. And the name Kendra feels past its prime, and makes me think first of the Playboy model / reality-TV actress. I think if only one of you is going to have to give in to the other, it would be a good idea to reconsider which of you that should be.
I think what I’d prescribe if I were a Name Doctor is a week’s break: don’t think about or talk about or research names for one week. Think of it as resting an overtaxed muscle: if you keep using it so hard, you’ll end up with a real injury. When the week is over, sit down together as if at the very beginning of the name hunt: no finalist lists, no “if we can’t find anything else, we’ll use this” names, no “it has to be one of these three.” Don’t think of it as starting all over; think of it as starting fresh, free of the big tangle the name hunt had become.
I’d suggest starting by talking about what you BOTH want in a name; that is, look for places where your priorities intersect, places where you can agree, categories of names you can BOTH rule out. Do you agree on the level of femininity you’d like the name to have, or the general popularity range? Do you agree on any “not” areas, such as “not starting with an E,” or “not a family honor name” or “not the name of any kids we already know”? Add those to the list. Would you both like to find a name you both like? Then add that to the list too. Speak frankly when a name is one you don’t want to use, just as he has spoken frankly about the names he doesn’t want to use. If you made a deal you wish you hadn’t made, say so: “I’m sorry I said x; I’m afraid I’m not willing to do that after all.”
Think of places where you can both make compromises to increase your mutual satisfaction with the name: would you feel happier going with one of his favorites for the first name if he would go for a holiday-themed middle name? Could he look through the S section of a baby name book and make a list of all the S names he’d consider? Could you look for less-common versions of some of your favorites (Seraphina instead of Samantha/Sierra, for example)? Are there names you both love that have been ruled out because they’re too popular, and could that preference be softened? A good practice exercise is for each parent to look at the list of the other parent’s favorites and think, “If I HAD to choose from this list, which would I choose?”: it subtly shifts the focus from “finding reasons to dislike” to “finding reasons to like.”
Another possible solution when parents can’t agree on a name they love is to choose a name for a different reason than love. Honor names are great for this: maybe you both merely like the name Catherine, but it would honor a great family member. Your feelings for the name itself might be only as strong as for any of the other not-perfect names on the list, but the added benefit of the honor will likely increase your overall satisfaction with the choice.
I’d also suggest looking in The Baby Name Wizard for sibling name suggestions for the name Evan, not just in the individual listing for the name Evan (Audrey, for example) but also in the categories that include the name: the name Evan is in the New Classics category, which contains names such as Sabrina, Jillian, and Cassandra as well as Kendra and Samantha.
What about Samara? It is a lovely name with similarities to both Kendra and Samantha.
I think Samara Smithler is great, has that ‘girly’ feel, and removes the repeating ‘th’ with Samantha. The nn Sam is cute too!
Evan and Samara. Love it!
Petra or Susanna would be my other suggestions.
Good luck!
I will point out Samara is the creepy girl in The Ring movies
This was my very first thought too. I have a strong association with the movie, which is too bad as it is a pretty name!
I really don’t associated the name Holly as a ‘seasonal’ name and really think it’s a lovely name.
I don’t think Eva is a great choice incase done the road there is an Evan…
If your hubby likes Sloan – what about Sage?
I like the idea that swistle gave about taking a week’s break before thinking again.
Other suggestions that popped in my head when reading your letter
Lena, Aubrey and Ivy
They actually already have an Evan (he’s their current son, not a hypothetical name they like for boys). Thus I think Eva is completely unusable.
I agree, I don’t think Holly is exclusively a seasonal name.
You are in a tough spot, and I like Swistle’s advice. My only suggestion to add for a possible compromise would be to use Sloan as a middle name. Because it is one syllable, it can fit neatly between almost any first name and your last. However, perhaps then the first name should not begin with an ‘S’ sound (Samantha, Cecelia, etc). First names that come to mind are Portia, Lara. Bianca, Elizabeth, Amelia/Emelia, Marina.
Good luck!
Sandra might be a good combination of names that he likes and names that you like, except it seems like he might be specifically vetoing S names because of the alliteration. Alexandra?
Maybe Heidi or Hannah instead of Holly? Or Molly? Meirra instead of Sierra? Makenna instead of Kendra?
But I think the first thing would be to take back your promise to use Kendra if you can’t come up with anything he likes better. That seems unfair to you and gives him way too much power.
Molly! Molly Smithler is beyond adorable
Is he vetoing S names because of alliteration issues? I know some people like it, but alliteration usually makes names harder for me to say (thanks slight speech impediment!) so I would never want my kid to have a hard C/K name since his/her last name would also start with C.
I love Eva, but not with an Evan. I automatically think of Playboy Kendra too, so that name would be out for me. I know a Mackenzie nicknamed Kenzie, but that doesn’t strike me as being as feminine as you would prefer.
We had a hard time with girl names too (but didn’t end up needing one)…that said, the one name we did agree on is Eleanor, which is a family name on both sides, his great grandmother, my great aunt. Is there a good name on his side of the family that you would consider using? It could be a little nod to him while still getting a name you prefer? Otherwise, maybe there’s a name where one of you likes the nickname for the name, but the other might prefer the full name? For example, I really like the name Leo and have suggested it to my husband for our next kid (if he’s male, we’re not even pregnant, but again we have to start EARLY around these parts)…he much prefers Leonardo (which is a lot with his four syllable last name, but I don’t HATE it). So that’s a possibility for us.
I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time. Good luck!
Other names that remind me of Kendra:
Kelsey
Jenna/Gemma
Aliyah
Good luck!
Oh dear. It does sound as if you’re stuck. How did you agree on your son’s name? Was it a mutual process or did someone give in? If it was the latter, I might be inclined to give the other parent a little more say if you can’t come to a mutually agreeable name.
Meanwhile, I’ll suggest Susannah. It’s a feminine S name, and not too popular.
I also associate Kendra with the Playboy girl. Beyond that it strikes me as very 90s. I would not be surprised to meet a Kendra my age or 10 years younger (I was born in 82) but it would surprise me on a new baby.
I agree with this. Kendra reminds me of my childhood friend, born in 1987…..
My name is Holly and I was born in December. My parents just liked the name and did not connect it to Christmas at all. I promise you that this is a complete non-issue. Holly is a common enough name that nobody ever asks if I was born in December. Ever. With that said, I know a baby named Holly Noelle who was born very close to Christmas and nobody ever comments on that either! I do like Kendra though and think it is a cute spunky name that could totally be worn by a cute spunky toddler. :). Good luck!!!
My aunt is a Holly born in December and it was a non-issue for her, as well!
I agree that maybe it’s time to go back to the drawing board–Eva is out with Evan, and it sounds like you don’t love Sloan/e or Kendra. I also think Kendra sounds dated. And allowing your husband to have all the power doesn’t seem fair.
Perhaps you could try a conversation about what you both consider to be your requirements and then each make a list.
My wife and I have done this where we both list 10, then exchange and we each get to veto 2, then take our own list back and circle one that the other person can’t veto, and so on until we got down to a top 4. It’s pretty fun!
That said, in the vein of starting anew, I love swistle’s ‘new classics’ suggestion of Audrey. Or Jillian/Jill. I have a nephew/nice Evan and Jill (not siblings) but I’m still used to hearing those names together and it’s nicely paired. Some other ideas:
Mila
Sasha
Tessa
Julianna
Sadie
Eliza
Lila
Sonia
Oh, I like the suggestion of Sabrina!
I do agree that Dad doesn’t get to say “I’m done, you have to pick from my top 3.” That’s not a compromise, that’s you giving in & him getting what he wants. If you don’t want any of his top 3 names, tell him so-and stick to it!
Looking at his top 3, what I see is that you don’t like Kendra (I agree it seems dated & my primary association is the Playboy playmate). Eva is too close to Evan to be usable. Sloane doesn’t seem as feminine as you prefer, and it isn’t great with the last name. But, you do like S names. To me, it seems like if any of his names should be the back-up, it would be Sloane.
I wonder what kind of spin we could put on your husband’s names to make them more appealing for you? Genevieve is very feminine-and would allow him to use Eva as a nickname (even if nobody else does). Maybe you’d like Kennedy, Kendall or Kenzie better than Kendra? Sloane might be a little hard to work with. Do you know what it is he likes about the name? Certain sounds? The Ferris Bueller connection? Understanding why he likes it could help you come up with alternatives. However, the key is to only suggest names you would really consider using!
You could also try spinning your names to make them more appealing to him. He thinks Holly is too cliche, but what about Molly? Or maybe a more subtle holiday reference like Clara (the Nutcracker), Ivy, Natalie/Natalia. I’m sure there are tons of names that refer to Christmas in some other way, but without being as obvious as Holly. Ruby instead of Scarlett? (could also work as a Christmas name because of the color red). Again, the key is to only suggest alternatives if you are really willing to consider them.
I actually think that S names are too much of a mouthful with your last name. I’d also stay away from names with a lot of consonants for that reason. And I agree that Eva/Evan is too close (especially if you’re planning on having any more kids!)
Suggestions:
Brenna
Brynn
Camille
Caoimhe/Kiva/Keeva
Ciara/Kiara
Cora
Halley
Hayley
Kennedy
Kiana
Kira
Mackenzie
Maya
McKenna
Molly
Myla
Olive
Olivia
Ruby
Vera
What about Daisy? It has the same vibe as Holly without the seasonal association (which I don’t pick up on but that’s just me…)
I also really like the name Seraphina. You could use the name Sara as a nick name.
You both have to love your little girl’s name!! I think you need to make a list of completely new names and start there. Please don’t settle for a name you don’t love…you will regret it :/
My husband and I had a similar situation. He vetoed every name I suggested. He was completely stuck on Abigail, and while a pretty name, couldn’t envision our daughter as Abigail. Just didn’t feel right. Went back to the drawing board and we both fell in love with Lucy :)
I suggest Shelby. Evan & Shelby!
Sabrina comes up on Nymbler right away with Kendra, Samantha, & Holly as inspirations. Perhaps to get less 90s/teenage witch & to satisfy husband’s request for less popular, Sabra would work well?
I know two Evans – one with a sister Jayna, the other a sister Savannah.
Maybe Shay/Shaylynn/Shayla?
Came to suggest Brynn/Brynne (similar in style to Sloane to me) and saw it suggested above.
Kara
Lauren
Laura
Skye
Stella
Felicity
I haven’t seen anyone suggest Sabrina, it’s classic yet withstands the test of time. Evan and Sabrina.
I have been in your shoes! We did exactly what Swistle recommends (I’m sure I got the idea from this blog). Also, I used the Baby Name Wizard book and asked my husband to pick 20 names out of categories I liked. I did the same with his categories. Then we rated them (eg 1 point easy to spell; 1 point unique) and eliminated low values; we also vetoed 5 each. We ended with a nice selection of 4 that weren’t on our original list…and I actually fell for one of “his” names, after I got past the initial he picked the name hurdle ;)
Good luck! If you do choose Kendra, it makes me happy to say “he loved her name” as the reason we chose it…you may grow to love it.
First off, thank you for publishing my question!!
Secondly, boy, my note sure gives my husband the short end of the stick, doesn’t it???
I think we were both in a frustrated point, but in opposite ends of the spectrum. I was throwing out ANY name I didn’t hate (even if I didn’t particularly like it), and he was sticking to his three. Neither of us was helping the situation, and we realized that.
Since the time I wrote the note till now, we have taken a hiatus in naming, just now talking about it again. We agreed to make a list of 10 names each, as someone mentioned above. We will then narrow and veto from there.
I really appreciate your advice and all the name suggestions from readers! We are still making our final lists, and hope to have a name soon (since she’ll be here soon!!).
Just a note: when I brought up that Kendra was Hugh Hefner’s lady friend from the TV show, my husband politely informed me that Holly was the name of the other lady friend. He suggested perhaps we go with Bridgette, the third lady friend from the show? We had a great laugh!
I love that you guys are maintaining a sense of humor about this! I also link Kendra to the TV show and not Holly, like you did. Best of luck!
Random associations with some of your picks
Maura
Laura
Cassandra
Sandra
Stella
Brynn
Gwen
If Holly is out, I like Molly. Even better, I like Lily.
A name that sounds similar to Kendra (to me) is Brenna.
A name that sounds similar to Eva is Eliza. I know there’s already an Evan, but Eliza seems to have a different sound to me. I also love the name Leah.
I like Sabina for you. Other suggestions: Angeline, Elizabeth, Josephine, Marguerite, Adelina, Liliana, Davina, and Olivia. Best of luck!
Geneva, Tabitha, and Clarissa struck me as good options for you. Best wishes!
I had Evan on my list and also liked Laura, felicity, Mary and Louise.
I don’t feel you both have to l.o.v.e a name but you do both have to like it. All our kids names are compromises, we agreed on what we wanted and didn’t want from a name and then picked from the names that suited best. Neither of us got our favourites but we were both happy.
Interesting that actually both Kendra & Holly were Hef’s gf on the reality show! I like Holly tho.
Anyways, I was just coming to commiserate. With my first son DH was very similar to yours. He dug his heels in & would not agree to a name that wasn’t on his list. The first name, I had on my list with a question mark next to it. I agreed because I just wanted a name & it was sort of mutually agreed. The middle name was his favorite that I vetoed because I really don’t like it. I have made this known to him many times, so I have gotten much more pull this time around. I’m not sure how you came up with your son’s name but perhaps you can use that to your advantage, or maybe he’s digging his heels in this time because of the first go round. Good luck! It’s so stressful!
LOVE Sabrina with Evan! I don’t prefer Kendra, Kennedy is much better IMO. I would never assume Holly was a seasonal choice, would your husband prefer Hailey? We had a lot of trouble agreeing over our baby’s name. We went with his top pick for boy, with the understanding that if it had been a girl, we would have used my top pick. And I’m okay with the name now, sometimes the baby grows into the name and it ends up being perfect. Good luck!
Sienna might work for you guys!
Hmm, well I didn’t know about Kendra the Playboy model, but I DID immediately picture a busty blonde woman on a beach when I heard the name. So perhaps the association made it into my subconscious– at any rate, it makes me think Kendra would not be the best choice since you are already lukewarm about it. I doubt your husband wants his daughter’s name associated by many people with a nude model, so maybe use that line of reasoning to get it off the list?
I agree with Swistle that his list as a whole is very problematic, to the point of useless. Eva is impossibly close to Evan, and Sloan Smithler is a tongue twister.
Here are some names I thought of that seem your/his style though:
Greer
Blair
Sutton
Selena
Jolene
Genevieve (Eva could be an in-the-family nickname)
What are your husbands specific objections to the S names you mentioned? None of them are particularly popular. Sarah and Samantha were both quite common in the 1980s/1990s, but not now. The SSA baby names website won’t load for me, but I don’t think either one is in the top 50 right now and I know for sure that both are falling.
Maybe your husband should acquaint himself with the numbers on that site? It might give him a better idea of what is in style right now and the actual numbers of different names. Here’s the link: http://www.ssa.gov/OACT/babynames/
Selah Evangeline Smithler
Genevivie Samantha Smithers
Maelle Holly Smithers
I also like the suggestions of Brynn.
I like Vienna, Daphne, Maryam, Shea, Zara, and Pippa. As well as Greer just suggested above.
I am so feeling Natalie/Natalia for you guys. It’s a little girly but also has spunk, a VERY subtle Christmas tie-in (but so subtle most people won’t know about it so it can be your family “secret”), classic, fits right in with Evan (I actually know sibs with these names) and somehow has the same “feel” as both you and your husband’s top choices. I see that its #21, but I have a baby and there is NO other Natalie at daycare or playgroup. It’s actually similar in popularity to Evan, so it seems like that might be a sweet spot for you guys.
Kendra has a strong 80’s feel to it (what is it about dads liking names of girls they grew up with?).
If he’s stuck on it, what about a more updated alternative like Kerenza/Kerensa?
Natalie is a great idea.
I also thought of Natasha, which is less popular but feels similar Christmas-y in its own subtle way.
Natalie is great, I agree! And not used much, it seems. Lovely.
I like the alliteration of same first and last initials – I think an S first name is totally fine with your last name. Serina or Sabrina are my favorites.
Natalie is perfect!
The suggestion of Geneva reminded me of the name Seneva (a friend’s darling little blond tot). It shares the letters of your son’s name, but not in a confusing way. And, like several of the other suggestions, it could have the nickname Eva (eee-vah), if necessary.
Names that go nicely with Evan (IMO) are:
Georgia
Louisa
Sylvie
Gabrielle
Summer
Sonia
Annabelle
Lily
Sally
Celia
Claire
Naomi
We compromised Kendra and Holly into Kaley.