Hi Swistle,
I have been a long time blog reader and am thrilled that I am finally pregnant (after two years of infertility!) and can pick your brain. Our last name is C@ldwell and I am due next spring. My husband and I have decided not the find out the gender of our little one. It is so easy for me to pick out girl names, I love unisex names with short feminine middle names. My husband and I have completely agreed on two girl names: Elliott Maeve and Sawyer Brynn. We have loved these two names for a long time and could realistically use Elliott for our first daughter and Sawyer for our second.
We are in desperate need of help when it comes to boy names. My issue is I have this tendency to want to use masculine names for girls, and as a result most “boy” names are ones I would want to use for daughters. A great example of this is Jasper. My husband first mentioned the name and he absolutely loves it. I immediately thought it would be amazing for a little girl, which my husband is NOT on board with. After letting it sink in for a few months, I really have come around to the name Jasper for a boy, but for some reason, I can’t see it being the name of our little boy (does that make sense?).
The other top contender right now is Graham. I like the name quite a bit, but worry it is not strong enough of a name next to his future sisters’ names? Another big concern is the worry that a child who is Graham C. will always be called graham cracker. My husband doesn’t like Grant or other similar sounding names.
A few other names that made our lists are: Lincoln, Hudson, Desmond, Finn, Oliver. Again, all of these are great names but I have a hard time thinking of them as the name of my child. Our girl names feel so natural and I just wish we could find a boy name that felt just as right. I should also mention my husband is named Miles, which I love absolutely love, but we don’t want to name the baby after him. My two brother-in-laws are named Kaleb and Dylan which I like quite a bit as well. We would love any input of suggestions you have for our little one!! Thanks Swistle!
Meghan
I have been mulling this over, and I’m not sure what to advise. Awhile back we answered a similar question about siblings for a girl named Micah: What to Name the Siblings of a Child with a Gender-Neutral Name or with a Name Traditionally Given to the Opposite Sex. In that post, I had to draw a bunch of pictures to explain what I meant, but the gist of it is what you seem to be getting at as well: if you have girls named Sawyer and Elliot, should the boys have names that are more boyish than their sisters’ names?
In 2013, the name Sawyer was used for 683 new baby girls and 3,142 new baby boys. That same year, the name Elliott…well, that’s harder to figure out. Counting spellings used for more than 25 babies:
Eliot: 27 F, 194 M
Eliott: – F, 69 M
Elliette: 115 F, – M
Elliot: 308 F, 1486 M
Elliott: 280 F, 1465 M
Elliotte: 47 F, – M
That’s 777 girls and 3,214 boys—very similar to the numbers for the name Sawyer. Both names are currently unisex but used more often for boys.
I think that no matter what names you use for boys, there is going to be some occasional paperwork confusion as to whether children named Sawyer and Elliott are boys or girls. At first I thought my advice would be to reduce this effect by choosing very decisively boyish names for any boys—but I found I couldn’t muster or sustain enthusiasm for that plan. I think it’s that I can’t think of ANY names you could give to boys that would cause the names Sawyer and Elliot to read Obviously Girl on paper. Even if you named the children Sawyer, Elliott, Benjamin, and David, there will still be the occasional confusion about the names Sawyer and Elliott, and it seems like you’re aware of that and it’s not going to bother you. And the feminine middle names will help with paperwork confusion too.
I guess I would suggest staying away from names that were unisex but used mostly for girls. For example, I wouldn’t recommend naming boys Emerson and Harper in this sibling group, because it doubles the confusion factor. But Graham seems good—great, even. It’s a name used almost exclusively for boys, and I don’t think it seems insufficiently strong with sisters Sawyer and Elliott. My guess is that a child named Graham will occasionally hear the graham cracker joke regardless of the surname; I would probably avoid using it with a Cr_____ or C______er surname, but just C doesn’t make me think of cracker.
Jasper seems like another great choice. I do know what you mean, though, about really liking a name but feeling like it’s not Your Baby. I used that as a test, in fact, to narrow down my own lists: I’d imagine a baby in my arms, and then I’d try to picture the baby having each name in turn. Some of them clicked into place: YES, that’s MY baby. Others failed: great name, but not My Baby. Sometimes the test results change with time: it might happen that by spring, the name Jasper WILL seem like Your Baby. Or it may be that it’s the right name but for a second boy. Or it may continue to be “Great name, but not My Baby,” and so it’ll be the kind of name you try to talk your friends into using.
This is a shot in the dark, but I wonder if it might apply. With my first pregnancy, Paul and I were both certain the baby was a girl: it isn’t that we thought it over and made our guess, it’s that we were assuming it without even realizing we were assuming it. Finding out at an ultrasound that we were in fact expecting a boy was a significant shock. We went home and spent the rest of the day in near-silence, just getting used to the intense surprise of it: the surprise of the baby being a boy, but also the surprise of realizing we’d been assuming the baby was a girl. I’ve wondered since then if that’s why we had strong girl-name candidates but a harder time coming up with boy names: when I pictured the baby in my arms, I think I was always picturing a girl. Subsequent boys were easier to name, I think because it was easier to picture the baby as a boy. Anyway, this might not apply to you at all, but if it DOES feel like it might be the case, it could be reassuring: it might not be that you haven’t found the right name yet, it might just be that it’s hard to use the same Rightness Detectors that you’re using for girl names.
Even without a situation of that sort, many parents have an easier time with names of one sex than with names of the other sex. It could be that boy names will never click into place for you as naturally as girl names do: again, not because you haven’t found the right one yet, but because for whatever reason they just won’t click in like that for you during the naming process, and/or because you never will feel as enthusiastic about boy names.
Or maybe it IS that you haven’t found the right name yet! If so, there is still lots of time. I suggest the game I play with The Baby Name Wizard book: look up a name you like (Miles, Graham, Jasper, Sawyer, Elliot, etc.), and then pick your favorite name of the suggested brother names. You don’t have to love the name: just pick the one you like BEST of those options, and look up THAT name. And so on: keep traveling until you think, “No, these are not my style at all; I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere,” or until you loop back around to your original name; then go back and try a different choice. I found that this helped me narrow things down a little: I found I kept cycling among the same dozen or so names, and all of them fell into the same few categories, so I felt like I started getting a better grasp on what my style was. I also added a few names to the list, because I kept seeing them again and again and they grew on me.
With names such as Miles and Graham and Jasper, I think of names such as:
Edmund
Everett (not with a sister Elliott)
Felix
Franklin
Frederick
George
Gideon
Harrison
Ian
Louis
Malcolm
Sebastian
Simon
Theodore
Wesley
Name update!
Soon after I contacted you, we learned the exciting news that we were having twins! We didn’t find out their genders so we went into the hospital with names for every possible combination. We ended up having two beautiful boys and named them Jasper Aaron and Lincoln Michael.
Thank you SO much for your help :)
How about Cooper?
I know 2 girls named Cooper!
We were in the same boat last year when trying to pickout a boy’s name. We had girls name on lockdown.
We eventually settled on Miles. We also had Graham on our very short list.
Perhaps you’d like some of our other short-list names?
Wesley
Harrison
Mitchell
Ian
The first boy name that comes to mind is Milo. It’s close enough to be an honor name for your husband, but different enough that they seem distinct and not confusing. It’s also clearly masculine. Sounds great with your surname and potential sibling names. In your shoes, I might stop right there!
Graham C@ldwell didn’t make me think if graham crackers at first– but now I can’t unhear it. :( I don’t think I would have thought of it on my own, though, if that helps.
Honestly, I’d be very tempted by Milo.
A few others that come to mind:
Charles
Roland
Magnus
Theo
Nolan
Zachary
Fletcher
Guthrie
Sebastian
Archer
You have a great surname– most names go with it! Good luck and please update us.
Also Declan!
I’d keep Jasper and Graham on the short list. I’ve noticed (from updates on this blog) that often people end up choosing their almost-not quite names and being very happy with them in the end.
Meanwhile, how about Alexander, Declan, Garrison, Lucas, Matthias, or Zane?
I really like Graham and Harrison for you. I think you should look for names that are used exclusively or almost exclusively for boys, but drop the idea that the name needs to feel “stronger” than Sawyer or Elliot…that way leads to feeling like you have to choose between Magnus and Maximus, and that doesn’t seem to be your style for boy names at all.
Or do you like Andrew? It means manly.
(Or here’s a teeny tiny second thought…is it possible that you like Sawyer & Elliot when you picture having two daughters, but like them less when you picture little Sawyer or Elliot having a brother?)
I just noticed that you’re not talking about middles for boys…you can totally ignore me if I’m wrong, but I do wonder if you’re picturing having one girl named Elliot Maeve vs. a boy & a girl named Graham & Elliot, and your objection to Graham is that it doesn’t make Elliot as clearly feminine as Maeve does.
But most people will never know Elliot’s middle name…..
My son’s middle name is Desmond, so I obviously love that one! I’m not a big fan of Sawyer for a girl, because I only know boys with that name. Elliot is a name I’ve seen on both boys and girls. My favorite unisex names are Morgan and Jordan.
With both Elliott and Sawyer, I’d stick with last name type names for boys. Archer and Harrison were good suggestions by Swistle.
What about Forrest? Miller? Jefferson? Carver? Wright?
I think part of the problem may be that you aren’t letting yourself have different styles for boys & girls. You have a certain style for girls and you want your boy names to fit that. But sometimes, people have totally different name styles for boys & girls-even to the point where the boy names don’t “go with” the girl names. But it’s OK if they don’t.
It sounds like your style for girls leans more “boy name on a girl” than truly unisex. Your boy name style sounds like it might be “vintage boy” or maybe even a bit British. Jasper could also work with “cowboy” style names, which makes me wonder if you would like this category. These names might also feel masculine enough to balance Elliott & Sawyer for girls. Wyatt, Colt/Colton, Abram, etc.
I don’t even know if this is in the realm of being helpful – but I would definitely just go with Jasper.
If you’ve had infertility issues.. and you already have two girl first and middles super set in stone.. it doesn’t sound like there would be an opportunity to use Jasper for a girls name anyway.. and since you both love it, go with it for a boy.
I think you should start thinking of it with a masculine middle name.. “Jasper Henry” or “Jasper Desmond” and it will start to take on the feel of a “boy” name.
So many people have infertility issues at one time in their life and not another. Going out on a limb here, but I don’t think it’s very sensitive to suggest that the OP might not be able to use Jasper in the future due to potential fertility issues.
Anecdotal, but for example I know two different couples who dealt with infertility issues, adopted, and then within a year were pregnant. One of them naturally with twins!
Bodies change, and you really never know how many kids you will end up with.
It does come across as insensitive, however unintentionally. Furthermore, Meghan may find she wants to use Jasper sooner rather than later, regardless of gender. Tastes change, I know mine have!
Some alternate suggestions that came to mind:
Tobin
Corwin
Asher
Alton
Vincent (heard it on a baby recently and absolutely loved it!)
Orson
Hm, sorry. I didn’t say that very well. Thank you for pointing it out to me.
Basically, I agree with you: “you really never know how many kids you will end up with.” And going off of that, if this child is a boy, and they both love Jasper, and they have 2 girls names set in stone: I say go with Jasper because who knows if Baby Girl #3 will ever come along and you should use a name you both love!
I don’t know if this matters to you, but Sawyer and Desmond were two main characters on the show Lost. (Sawyer was male). Our son is Jack, another main character, so we feel like have to avoid other characters in the future. (Clearly I was a big fan of the show)!
Jasper and Graham are great names to keep on your shortlist. Since you may be having a girl anyways, don’t beat yourself up trying to find ‘the one’ if nothing feels right. Just wait to meet baby and if it is a boy, see what fits?
I do know a baby girl named Sawyer and her big brother is Noah.
I like super traditional male names paired with unisex names. So I’d suggest James, Alexander and Thomas.
Long time reader, first time commenter – I had to pop in because my son’s name is Graham and we also have a last name that starts with “C.” Graham’s cousins (all boys under 10) do indeed call him Graham Cracker, though I think this would be the case regardless of our last name since it’s the only place they’ve ever heard the name. In any event I think it is adorable and will only occur to little kids who have never heard the word as a name, whereas I don’t think it springs to mind for adults. Graham also refers to graham crackers as “my crackers.” (He is two.) FWIW, we also loved Oliver, Jack, and Lincoln, and Graham’s middle name is Bennett (family name).
“My crackers” is so charming I just yelped out loud. So cute!
We think so! I Think he hears it as “Graham’s crackers” and doesn’t understand that it’s the product name.
I wonder if you don’t see Jasper as your baby because you’re picturing a girl baby? I really like it, and I like it with your choice of girl names too.
If it makes you feel any better – I felt similarly about our baby name pick too. Julian was the only boy name we agreed on (never got around to being even sort of certain about a girl name). But I probably referred to him as the baby the first three months anyway because I knew him as “the baby” rather than “Julian” (or Jules, or J, or Jujubee or any of the other things I call him)…if that makes any sense. I think sometimes it just takes time for it to click. It’s my first time naming someone! It was a big decision! I’m also a person who second guesses a lot of choices by nature. At the end of the day, I love the name Julian and it is him, now.
Good luck!
I read Swistle’s list and went,”Felix! Yes!” Then,”Alvin!” Because “Simon, Theodore,” not as a suggestion. Just me?
I also thought maybe Garrett or Gareth, Gavin, or Nigel.
I don’t think unisex sib names diminish the “maleness” of the name Graham. Graham strikes me as identifiably male regardless of sib set. Graham and Colby, Graham and Gretchen, Graham and Taylor, Graham and Lilibet. In each instance I am fairly confident that Graham is male.
Now, if we could look into the future and predict whether Graham has unisex potential in the next 75 years! Swistle? :)
Mom of a 2 year old Graham here: We took a mom/tot class last year with 12 kids in the class, 3 of whom were named Graham – and one of those was a girl!! I assume this was a weird anomaly since we haven’t met any other Grahams since, but at least one mom deemed it usable for girls.
Ha! Well, there you go!
This is a question I would have asked when naming my babies 3 years and 1 year ago.
We fell in love with EMERSON Clare if we had a girl the first time around and had a very hard time coming up with a suitable boys name (that was strong enough as a sibling name with EMERSON if we used Emerson for a second or third child). Even up until the day our daughter was born, we could not agree on a boys name, so thank goodness our baby was a girl. EMERSON Clare was born and we were so happy with our name choice. 2 years later baby number 2 arrived. This time we had found a strong boys name and weren’t able to agree on a suitable sister name for EMERSON (Elliette was my favourite pick but hubby wasn’t up for it). This time, thankfully we had a beautiful baby boy and were able to use our agreed on very masculine boys name which I think fits perfectly with a unisex girls name. BAXTER Joel. I guess it means our style is ‘surnames as first names’. Their middle names are part of my husbands and my names.
Another year has passed and we are still extremely happy with our choices.
Good Luck, it’s a tricky experience naming a child but you will know when the right name pops up, you just do :)
I immediately thought of Duncan. To me, Duncan is 100% male. I love the name. Is more of a classic-name but was never over-used in North America like some of the more traditional names we think of (William, John, etc).
I also like Graham. I love Abram. Gives you a similiar feel to graham, avoids the graham crackers (which I don’t think is an issue) plus I love love love being able to us Bram as a shortened name.
What about Anderson? Nn Anders? Love it.
Good luck and keep us posted!
Personally I think that if the girl has a unisex name, the boy should have a unisex name too. It feels like nowadays boys have to have either really overused (and plain) names like David or Alexander, or really macho kinda names like Colt and Ryker, to avoid having “girly names”. I think that sends a terrible message of gender equality. If girls can have the unisex names, then so can boys. Since when is it ok to be masculine, but wrong to be feminine? Its 2014, not 1914.
I completely agree with this. Isn’t the whole point of a unisex name to remove any perceived gender prejudice in advance? So that someone reading a name on a resume, or instagram account, or product, or for that matter hearing it on the news, or on the street, wouldn’t automatically assume that its bearer was male or female?
And in an increasingly global society, I often cannot immediately discern the gender of anyone bearing a name foreign to me that I read in the news, so my take on that news isn’t automatically gender-filtered, or gender-skewered. Albeit that the names are quite likely not unisex within the origins of their given culture/society, the effect on me is still the same as that of someone bearing a unisex name within western society–I don’t automatically presume anything gender related.
I’ve come to see unisex names on girls as a kind of (unfortunately necessary) affirmative action. Study after study shows that girls with such names do have an achievement edge. And if it were as simple as “I just like the sounds in that name” then we would be seeing names such as Claire and Jane being used for little boys, but we’re not. And naming a boy Isabelle? Out of the question, right?
So then the question becomes, “What are our aspirations for our sons?” Do we want to consciously facilitate a similar kind of gender blind means for their futures? And if this doesn’t matter, or worse, would be perceived as a disservice, what does that say?
(I’ll be the first to admit lots of parents-to-be don’t want to think about it from this angle. Instead, they’ll say “We just like the sounds of that name.” But conscious or not, social psychologists are arguing otherwise.)
My sil has chosen the name Sawyer for her prospective daughter. She ended with gal having a boy first. His name is John (Jack) after her grandfather.
We didn’t find out the sex of our baby. I had a really hard time with boy names. Looking through them during the first trimester made me nauseous! Turns out we had a girl! We so have a name picked out for her prospective brother, it just took a lot longer than the girls names. Good luck!
All of the names you’re considering are beautiful and work really well with your surname. I love both Jasper and Graham.
In your shoes, I’d really consider using Miles as a middle name. In a lot of ways, it’s similar to Maeve or Brynn–timeless, short.
Eleanor Nickerson, host of British Baby Names did a post called Gorgeously Georgian that you might find interesting because it includes the name Miles among many others from that era: http://www.britishbabynames.com/blog/2013/01/gorgeously-georgian.html
Good luck!
If you are eager to use Elliot and Sawyer for girls, then one of two things is true.
EIther (1) You don’t care if your kids sex is mistaken/has to be clarified or
(2) You think that people will be able to identify these as girls or unisex names, and are going to be disapointed.
I am going to assume its the first, and that you don’t care if your daughters have to clarify “yes I am a female” when placing calls, going for job interviews, etc. In this case, I would assume you also would not care if your boy had to clarify that he is in fact male. So, to me its a non issue. Use any boys name you love, it does not matter if it reads more “boy” than Elliot and Sawyer, because this is not an issue you are concerned about. Sounds like Jasper just isn’t for you. Graham is fantastic IMO.
What about Ryker? Has Similiar feel to Jasper but is a bit different. Elliot, Sawyer and Ryker.
I have a Graham and no one has ever called him “Graham Cracker” to my knowledge. It’s a fantastic name and people still compliment me on my choice ten years later!