Hi Swistle, I just found out a few days ago that I am pregnant with child #2! Super excited, way to early to know what the gender is yet. My husband and I already have a boys name picked that we love. Rhyse Riordan (we pronounce it Rise). We would have used it as our first child’s name if she had been a he. We still love it as much today as we did then, so its a no brainer. Girl names however have always been much more difficult for me. There are just so many that are so pretty, its tough settling on one!
After much reading of sites (including this one), making lists, bouncing ideas, and falling in and out of love with various names, I ended up naming my daughter after she was born Imara Arissa. And then a month later I decided her first name didnt suit her at all, but her middle was spot on. So we are calling her Arissa May until we can get a formal name change.
Ok now with that all out of the way, onto my question. Is it ok to use a name that we love, but was earmarked for a pregnancy that ended in miscarriage? I was pregnant with my 1st husband over 10yrs ago, and sadly miscarried. The name I had picked out for a girl then remains a perfect name to me. Rinoa Seraphine, nn Noa. This husband loves it as much as I do. But I feel very hesitant to revive it just because, what if that baby would have been a girl? I don’t want to steal her name away. But there is no other name I love as much, other than our daughters name. So what do you and the other readers think? Totally taboo, or could be considered an honor name, especially if we find a different middle?
(Twins run in my family, and on the off chance that this pregnancy is twins, I love Rhyse and Rinoa together, with an M middle for Rinoa to tie her name to big sis’s. I’m matchy matchy like that!) Thanks Swistle!
Whether it’s okay to use a name you’d picked out for an earlier child depends completely on how you feel about it. Some people feel as if all the finalist names they considered for earlier children are off the table, but your choice to put Rhyse back on the finalist list for this baby shows us that this is not the situation here.
Do you feel as if the name Rinoa belongs to that baby? Do you believe that the baby, if the baby were a girl, would know and care that you used the name? If the baby were a boy, do you believe he would know and care that you used the name you would have used if he’d been a girl? Here is where I would start drawing my own lines: do you feel that you GAVE THE BABY this name, or was the name the finalist girl name but NOT yet given to the baby? That is, was the baby NAMED? was the name USED? Or do you feel that you don’t name your babies until the baby is born and the sex of the baby is known (the “after she was born” part you used when describing how you named your daughter)? When you think/talk of the baby now, do you think of this name or use the name to refer to that child? If you were to use the name, do you think it would remind you of the lost baby? Did you tell everyone your name choices at the time (or have you mentioned them since), so that using this name would remind others of the previous sadness?
I would advise against considering it an honor name. The idea fails the “Would I want this name for myself?” test: I would not want to be named after a sibling who died; it would make me feel as if I were expected to replace that child. Also, using the name as an honor name means it was indeed that baby’s name, as opposed to being a finalist on the name list that is available to use for another child; the act of calling it an honor name is the very thing that would mean to me that the name should be ruled out. And since you don’t know if the baby was a boy or a girl, it feels even more inappropriate: let’s say the baby was indeed a boy, and now there is a child named after her brother who died, but the name is the name that would have been his if he’d been a girl. No, I don’t think that works at all.
If you use the name, I would say the story as it is: that you have loved the name for years. You could, if you like, say that it would have been the name of an earlier baby if that baby had been born alive and female: it is similar to saying that your daughter Arissa would have been named Rhyse if she’d been a boy. In fact, that may be the way to think of it: you didn’t use the name Rhyse for your daughter, even though that name was picked out for her if she’d been a boy, so the name Rhyse is still available for a future child. Did you name the lost baby Rinoa, or do you think of the name the same as you think of the name Rhyse—i.e., unused, even though it was the finalist name?
If you decide to choose a different name, I think there is a very good chance you will find a name you like just as much or more, just as you did when you found Arissa’s name.
Name update!
Hi Swistle, I emailed you back last year in July. Is it Okay To Use a Name that Was Chosen for a Baby Lost to Miscarriage? Well sadly that particular pregnancy also ended in a MC shortly after I wrote to you. But a few months later I became pregnant again with a sticky baby this time. We had another daughter, and decided to give her her own name. I just felt that the other name was already claimed, and posters gave me good food for thought on it. I debated off and on what to call her, and was 99% sure I was going to name her Aubryn. Then I had her and she is not an Aubryn. Instead meet Lucy Celia Paige. Her big sister gives her kisses and makes sure she always has a blanket on. Included is a picture of her at 3wks. Thanks again!
I agree that all that matters in this issue is how you feel about it. Personally, not knowing the sex of the miscarried baby would mean the baby wasn’t named and Rinoa was just a named that I loved for a very long time. Also, if you tell people about your miscarriage and the name Rinoa, I would shy away from it because I wouldn’t want a daughter to feel like she was named after a lost baby. God luck!
I would also use it.
No I do not think it’s taboo, but also – No I would not use it as an “honor” name.
Naming a child after a miscarried half sibling from ten years ago isn’t what I would think of as an honor.
I think you have the name you like, you’ve liked it forever, your husband likes it. So use it.
But not as an honor name. Really, I wouldn’t even make reference to miscarried baby#1 when you tell others the name. If anyone asks, I would say something like “I still loved it after all these years, and it turned out husband did too! We took that as fate that we use it.”
I had miscarried twice before my first child. My boy’s name was always the same, and so when my son was born I named him that name. It never occurred to me that it would be weird, because for me the miscarriages were early enough that I didn’t associate them with any name in particular.
Everything in your letter seems to indicate that you DO think of the name as given already though (worrying about “stealing her name away” and possibly using it as an honor name, and even wondering whether it would be a problem), and in this instant, I would urge against using it for your girl name for this baby. As you begin your letter, “there are just so many pretty names…” If on further consideration you decide that indeed the name was just on a list of finalists, and therefore could be used again, then I would urge you to use Rinoa, which you do obviously love. BUT if you have any hesitation, I would push you to use something else.
One thing you might consider is using Rhyse for your girls name as well. It fits nicely into the unisex, spunky pretty name set for me, and if you gave it a pretty feminine middle for a girl, it would be lovely. Alternately you could use Noa as a name for a girl, which would gesture at your favorite Rinoa, but not necessarily use it.
To me, the bigger issue is that it was a name you picked out with your ex-husband, for a child who was actually created. There is no way I could use that name.
For me, it would depend, whether I had told other people about it (the pregnancy, the subsequent miscarriage, the name we had picked out). Also, how might the daughter feel if she asks one day how her parents decided on her name and she heard “it’s the name mommy picked out for her first child, if she had been a girl, who was then lost…”
To me it depends on your ex husband. Are you in touch? How would he feel if you use it, and vice versa, how would you feel if he uses it?
I agree with Swistle & everyone else. I also think it depends on your relationship with your first husband. It wasn’t clear if you are divorced or widowed, but if the former, how would he feel to hear you had a baby with this name, etc. Maybe switching the middle name is the ticket. Good luck!
I think it depends. If you think of the baby you lost as Rinoa, then that is Her name. It shouldn’t be used on a sibling. I agree it should not be used as an honor name. How is that conversation going to go? “Well sweetie, there were so many nice names it was hard for Mommy & Daddy to decide. So we just reused the name I had picked out for a baby that I lost.” Um, no.
If you think of the baby you lost as something other than Rinoa & can give it to this child without the lingering association of your previous loss, I think it would be fine. In that case, the conversation becomes “It was a name Mommy loved for a long time. Daddy liked it too, and we both knew it was just the perfect name for you.”
I’ll add that I do agree that I would not use the name if a lot of people are aware of its association with the previous pregnancy. However, that likely depends on how you think of the name. If you don’t refer to the baby as Rinoa, chances are people aren’t going to remember a name you considered but didn’t use 10 years ago.
When you choose Rinoa the first time, was the impetus from you and did your ex just agree to it or was it really a joint effort? If it was, I’d feel strange using it for a child from another marriage.
I liked the ideas of using Rhyse (maybe spelled Reese), or Noa. Other similar names included Riana, Rhiannon or Reina.
I agree with everyone else but I just wanted to add that there are some pretty good contenders out there with the same vibe as Rinoa. When I read your letter I immediately thought of Rhiannon- it has a cool Fleetwood Mac vibe (I love that song) and uses a lot of the same letters.
I also think Rhyse would work well for a girl. However, I would encourage you to rethink the spelling. I read Rhyse as “Reese” and I think that might be an easy mistake a lot of people will make (and eventually become tedious for your child to deal with). How about just spelling it “Rise”?
The answer is whatever feels right to you. If it was too early to even tell the sex of the baby you lost, I would say that Rinoa was more of a possibility and less of a name chosen just for her. However, the fact that you are asking about it indicates that you feel at least a little uncomfortable about it, which, in my opinion, is not likely to go away. It may be best to pick a name with similar sounds, as others have suggested. Some ideas are: Nola/Finola, Nora, Naomi, Noemi, Rhiannon, Rhianna, Rielle, Renee/Renae, and Ryanne.
Not sure if anyone else has mentioned this but is husband no. 1 (father to miscarried baby) still in your life? Will he hear the name on your new daughter and have a problem with it?
And is it the exact same first and middle you had earmarked for the miscarried baby?
Congratulations! She’s lovely and has a wonderful name :)