Baby Naming Issue: When an Honor Name Now Has a Bad Association

K. writes:

Ive been struggling with this for along time now and would really love to hear some opinions from outside of my family and friends, ok here goes-

I have 3 beautiful children my oldest and only daughter is called Ava Alison, Ava was born unexpectedly at 28 weeks, as she was born so early we really hadnt finalized name choices, my husband picked Ava as her first name and I chose Alison for her middle name, Alison is the name of my oldest sister. My sister and I have always had a rocky relationship but at the time of Ava’s birth we were getting along well and I felt like by naming my daughter after her it was a way of putting all the conflict behind us and moving forward.

My daughter is now 5 and since the birth of Ava my sister’s relationship with me has deteriorated, to the point were we no longer have contact at all. I dont want to go into to much detail but the word I use to describe my sister is a bully, she has been so awfull and spitefull towards me and my family she has caused me to suffer horrible anxiety and there is really noway I can see us reconciling in the future!

I very often address my children using both their first and middle names, I love my boys names but unfortionatly every time I use Ava’s whole name it makes me cringe, I hate reading it, writing it and saying it Im angry that she was named after someone that has treated us so badly. Ive been back and forth for the last 3 or so years as to whether I should legally change/ remove her middle name. Ava is now 5 and really does love her name so I feel as though it will be wrong and confusing for me to change her name now but I dont think I can handle my daughter having a name that I cannot stand to here or say!

My friends who have stood by me throughout my problems with my sister are 100% supportive of Ava’s name change but people in my extended family feel like I will be causing more drama and confusing my daughter. Please could you let me know what you think, I really appreciate any help or opinions thank you

 

This is a very difficult dilemma. Changing the name would be a huge, symbolic, tie-cutting step—even more so because using it was a symbolic tie-affirming step. I know you say there’s no way you can imagine you and your sister reconciling in the future, but this would definitely set a fire on that bridge, or vigorously fan the flames that were already there. Especially with family, I’d rather leave the bridge alone even if it never does end up getting used. I would be very motivated to see if there were another solution to the problem.

If we were making this decision based on your feelings alone, it sounds like changing the name would be something to seriously consider despite the cost. But I agree with you: your daughter is old enough that her feelings are now also crucial to this decision. Parents are in charge of choosing their children’s names—but once the children take possession of those names, there’s a point at which the name belongs to the child and not to the parent. After that point, the parent has the legal right to have the child’s name changed against the child’s wishes, but I don’t think they have the ethical right. It sounds to me as if your daughter has reached this point: she has taken possession of her name, and she loves it.

I would listen to family over friends on this issue. I’d be uncertain that a friend had really been able to imagine herself in that situation, or to consider how she’d feel if it were her own family; family dynamics vary so much, what would be normal behavior in one family would be disastrous in another family. Your family is much closer to it and may have a better grasp on how things will actually go and how the people involved will actually feel. Also, your friends will have heard only your side, and you’re the only person in this situation they care about; your family will have more of a big-picture concern for the family as a whole.

So what we have here is a nearly impossible problem. The association with your sister is causing you to hate saying your daughter’s name, which is a highly undesirable situation; but for a variety of reasons, it’s also hard to imagine changing it. Let’s brainstorm some options.

1. If you moved fast, you might still have time to change it to Ava Ellison or Ava Alice. This makes the symbolic cut to the relationship with your sister, and yet your daughter mostly keeps her name. This idea depends quite a bit on whether your daughter knows how to spell her name, would notice/mind the change, etc. I’m also not sure it would help: if you said “Ava Ellison” or “Ava Alice,” would it still make you think of your sister?

2. If your sister is out of your life, I wonder if there is any way to soften the association of the name Alison. Do you know any other Alisons? Would it help to watch movies or read books with characters named Alison? One of my sons has a middle name that has a very bad association for me (a high school relationship with a bad break-up), but it’s also my grandfather’s name; after enough time had passed since the break-up, the positive association won out. But a high school boyfriend is not on the same level as a sister. Still, with time and distance, the feeling that you can’t handle your daughter having that name may diminish.

3. You could stop calling your daughter Ava Alison. I know you’d like to call her by her first-and-middle, but giving up that preference might be the easiest and least tumultuous solution. I call my daughter Elizabeth Marie, Elizabeth St. Claire, Elizabeth Louise—and none of those are her middle name. Perhaps you could start a similar running joke with your daughter, allowing you to call her by a variety of first-and-middle names. Or call her Ava-belle, or Ava-lyn, or Ava-lou, or Ava A., or just Ava.

4. It might work to add a second middle name. This wouldn’t burn the bridge, and would perhaps allow you to transition slowly to calling her by her first name combined with the new middle name instead of the original one. You could also start using the new middle name as the default on forms that allowed only one middle name. This option depends a lot on what your daughter would think of that. She might find it fun to help choose, and might then even prefer to be called Ava with her self-chosen middle name.

5. You could wait, and discuss it with your daughter when she’s older. It’s hard for me to picture this, though: there’d be so much pressure on her to agree to the change even if she didn’t want to, and by then she’d likely identify with her name even more strongly.

6. You could discuss it with your daughter now, being as frank and detailed as appropriate for her current age, and ask if she would be willing to have a new middle name. Again, I am having trouble imagining putting this kind of pressure on a child, or her having enough understanding of the issue to be able to make an informed decision.

 

My own preference, I think, would be for #3: stop calling her by her first and middle, and see if that solves the problem to a bearable level. It’s a sacrifice on your part, since you’d rather call your children by their first and middles—but there is a cost no matter which option you choose, and this seems like the lowest price.

I might combine that with option #2: weakening the association of the name Alison as much as possible, while waiting for time to pitch in on this as well.

If dropping the middle name from use is not enough to solve the problem, my next choice would be #1 (using Alice or Ellison instead of Alison) or #4 (adding a second middle name and transitioning to using that instead of Alison); #1 is much more bridge-burning than #4, so #4 would be my own choice. But these depend on your daughter, and I don’t know if they’re a good fit for her or not.

Because I like to talk about names and hypothetical situations, I might also try a soft version of #6: raising the subject with your daughter, giving her a very vague and casual “everything’s okay”-type overview of the situation, and collecting her thoughts. This might be useful for any of the options, or for deciding among them. But it depends on your ability to discuss an emotionally-fraught subject in a casual way, and it carries with it the risk of communicating to her that there’s something wrong with her name, or of worrying her with family drama.

 

I am even more eager than usual to hear what everyone else thinks of this difficult situation.

38 thoughts on “Baby Naming Issue: When an Honor Name Now Has a Bad Association

  1. Brigid

    I’m so sorry that things have deteriorated this way, I can’t imagine the level of pain you must be feeling to consider changing your daughter’s name to avoid having to think of your sister.

    But changing Ava’s name won’t take away the pain of losing the relationship you’d wanted with your sister. It won’t help Ava any, as she’s perfectly content with her name as it is. It isn’t something you’d be doing for her sake, it’d be something selfish. There’s a time and a place for healthy selfishness, but this doesn’t seem like it.

    It also doesn’t seem like it would help. It’d be symbolic, but the actual change would be in the words you’d use. Saying Ava Alison is a habit you have, but it’s also a choice you make; if you want to stop being reminded of your sister, start experimenting with things like Ava Annabelle, Ava Felicity, Ava Butterfly, Ava Ballerina, Ava Alligator, Ava Astronaut.

    But I would not burden Ava by talking about your dislike of her aunt’s name or your issues with her aunt, and I would absolutely not change her name. Ava’s five. Give her the gift of blissful unawareness of the problem. Don’t put this on her shoulders.

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  2. jonniker

    It’s her name now, not yours or your sister’s. My recommendation would be to stop making it an issue, for the issue is on you — she has no issue with it, and objectively speaking, Alison is a nice name. Yes, you named her after your sister and that is awful now, given the circumstances. But the name also belongs to someone you love: your daughter. You love her, yes? She is little (five!) and pure and lovely, and Alison is a name that she loves, and it belongs to her.

    Focus on that. It’s not your sister’s name, it’s your daughter’s name. Full stop.

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  3. jen

    I can’t imagine how painful this must be for you. It’s really a no-win situation. My own choice would be to stop using her middle name, though legally leaving it alone. I would come up with other fun nicknames that have nothing to do with her middle name and try those out.

    I have a 5 year old myself and his middle name is his dad’s name and I think the closest I can imagine to what you are experiencing is if we were to divorce. Certainly I would probably cringe for a while when I would say or write his middle name but I would eventually have to learn to manage my own feelings about it, since changing it in that situation would be impossible. Also it’s now my son’s name and has its own set of memories with it, not simply because it’s his dad’s name and eventually time would heal my wounded feelings toward his father. I’d try to look at it from that perspective and know that eventually you’ll probably heal enough to where you don’t feel as bitter about her name.

    I agree with Bridig, I would not bring it up to your daughter, even in the most pared down kid-friendly way possible because it is not her burden to bear.

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  4. Melissa

    I agree with the others. I named my oldest Sophia Renee and her middle name is my sister’s middle name as well. I did that on purpose. She’s 11 now and my sister and I haven’t spoken in at least two years. But I still love the combination of the names and I do my best not to associate it with my sister when I use both to get her attention. I don’t cringe and after awhile I don’t even think of it. I think you have to just assign allison to something/someone else you like and/or stop using it as the others suggested. Good luck.

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  5. Katie

    Oh dear. I totally feel your pain. This sounds really awkward. I’m going to agree with Swistle though, I think it would be better to stick with Allison rather than potentially fan the flames of a family argument. I also think names are like a gift- you give them to your children and they take possession of them. You can’t take back a gift/name once you’ve given it out because it belongs to the recipient.

    The first thing I would do is to cut the association- if anyone ever brings it up (or your daughter asks) just tell them that you just liked the name Allison and you thought it sounded good with Ava. It’s a coincidence that it also happens to be your sister’s name. She doesn’t have to be named AFTER your sister. They just happen to have a name in common. I think this is better than changing her name because “Ava Allison’ will always follow her on her birth certificate so no matter what she will have to explain why her name was changed when at the bank, the DMV etc. I think it’s better to just reframe Allison than try and unsuccessfully bury it.

    If you want a better association: Allison is the main character in the “Notebook” and there’s also an Allison in the Breakfast Club. Additionally, there’s the Elvis Costello song called Allison .

    But let’s look on the bright side here, Allison is her middle name which means you never have to use it. If I were in your situation, I would stop calling her “Ava Allison” and find another nickname. It’s not your ideal situation, but I think that Ava-belle, Ava-pie, Av-ery would be just as awesome as “Ava Allison”. Sometimes family nicknames arise on their own too- the “Shaytards” are a popular youtube family and they call their daughter Loofus or Loof even though her real name is Emmi.

    Also, I just wanted to add that you’re not alone. I have a relative who sounds exactly like your sister and he was my godfather! Speaking of which, if you happen to be Catholic you can always tack on a Confirmation name or two and bury Allison that way.

    Good Luck!

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  6. Ruby

    Is it possible that changing Ava’s name might remind you MORE of your bad relationship with your sister? It sounds counterintuitive, but think of the fact that people will probably be asking you–or Ava–why her middle name is suddenly different, and you’ll have to explain why. Of course you can make up a reason or gloss over it by saying something vague like, “Oh, our family had a bad experience with an Alison so there’s a bad association now,” but you’ll still have the reminder. The process of changing the name itself might also be an emotionally difficult one. Of course, I don’t know the situation–oftentimes completely cutting off ties with someone can be a freeing, empowering experience. I just feel like taking such a huge step might be very emotionally taxing for you, especially since it won’t make the problems with your sister go away.

    I also liked Swistle’s idea of trying to build positive associations with the name. Alison might be your estranged sister’s name, but more importantly, it’s your daughter’s name. Try to think of it in that sense. Think of how much she loves the name…instead of classifying it as a name you don’t like, think of it as a name she loves and identifies with. Easier said than done, I know, but worth trying. Remember, you initially chose the name as a way of reconciling with your sister. Even though you might be estranged now, you did choose the name out of love for both her and your daughter.

    This is a really tough situation, and there’s really no easy solution to it. The best you can do is try to move forward.

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    1. Ruby

      Forgot to mention: There’s also the issue of Ava not being happy with the new name you choose for her. Five-year-olds tend to have STRONG opinions! It’s not just the issue of having to break the news that Alison won’t be her middle name anymore, but also getting her to agree with a different middle name. (That’s assuming you choose to replace Alison with something and else and not just eliminate the middle name altogether.) It wouldn’t be like naming a baby who has no preference on what she’d like to be called. If she doesn’t like any of the names you pick it would be disappointing and a bit unfair for her, but giving a five-year-old the freedom to pick a name for herself might lead to some…unsatisfactory results. (I’m picturing Ava Princess, Ava Rainbow, Ava Monster Truck, etc.!) Imagine disagreeing with your husband over what to name the baby…now imagine having the same conversation with a five-year-old.

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  7. L

    I’ve always thought in the back of my head that honor names not only honor the person whose name you give to your child, but also bestow a secondary honor to that person’s parents . . . because the parents are the ones that CHOSE that name to begin with. So maybe in trying to re-frame the association, think of this as honoring your parents (who presumably named your sister) by giving your daughter a name that your parents loved.

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  8. Phancymama

    I do think words and names have a lot of symbolism and power. If your daughter’s name has a negative association and aura for you, then I think it would be better to stop calling her that name.
    I do agree though that a big name change would burn bridges and make things even worse. So I like the idea of just calling her something else to start (with or without Allison). Ava Allison Elizabeth, Ava Marie Allison, Ava Bean, Ava Alli Lou, etc. you could add whichever name you choose as a second middle name and slowly phase out Allison.
    Example: start calling her Ava Alli Beth, or Ava Alli Lou. Then slowly drop to Ava Beth or Ava Lou. Then add Louise or Elizabeth.

    You could also just remove her middle name so that she doesn’t legally have one. She could still use Allison, just not legally.

    If you asked yourself: Would it do my daughter more harm to change her name/identity or would it do her more harm to keep a name with a negative association and vibes? Which would benefit your daughter more?

    Good luck and I’m sorry you have to deal with this.

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  9. Brittany

    I’m so sorry for you facing such a difficult, sad, and frustrating situation! I think that you (and Swistle and previous commenters) are right that it feels wrong to change the name of your 5-year-old daughter who loves her name. In some ways, it would feel so good to not have to associate one of your very favorite people with someone who has caused you so much hurt and to sever that tie completely, but it would also likely hurt your daughter and take something away from her.

    I think you’ve gotten some really good suggestions that I would also echo – seems like your best option is to stop using Ava Alison and start using Ava AnyCuteName you can think of. It works especially well that she’s the only girl, so she gets a little different middle name treatment than her brothers. Since Alison would still be her official middle name, and you’d have to write it occasionally regardless of what you call her, I think that the more you can shift your association with it, the easier it will be for you. As others have said, try to “collect” Allisons from books, movies, and tv so that the association with your sister is diluted a little, and remind yourself how much Ava Alison likes her name and who she is – she brings lots of wonderful qualities to the name. Another way of thinking about it that may help is to remember why you chose the name – you wanted to show a new beginning, hope, forgiveness, moving on from the past, and strong sibling relationships. Hopefully those are things that Ava will demonstrate in her life, better than your sister. A bully takes things that don’t belong to them and tries to intimidate others. Don’t let your sister take the joy of your daughter’s name from you – take it back however you can. Maybe the name Alison can not just represent your sister, but your attempt to reconcile and have a good relationship and then you freeing yourself of a bully.

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  10. Joanne

    I’m sorry this is happening but I agree with everyone else. You have to change how you feel about that name. Maybe think of Allison at a good time – maybe when you guys were little or maybe when she was that age. It sounds like she is a very unhappy person now but maybe think of her as a five year old, like your sweet Ava and that will help.

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  11. Calla

    I agree with the general sentiment here – it’s a sad situation and I don’t think changing your daughter’s name will improve it a whole lot. Thinking of family relations, it may make it worse. I agree that your best bet is to leave it as it is officially and replace Alison in your daily life with another nickname. Also, if it helps, “Sonny” could be a useful nickname that comes from Alison but doesn’t sound much like it.

    The only other thing I wanted to mention is that it’s possible that there may come a day when your daughter is uncomfortable about having Alison as her middle name, knowing your feelings toward your sister and maybe having negative feelings toward her herself. (This also, of course, may not happen.) At that point I could see considering changing it. For now, though, I don’t think it’s fair for you to change her name, which you say she loves and which is her own.

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  12. Veronica

    I agree with others that changing your daughter’s name now could be hurtful for her and your family members. I understand that pull to call your child by their first and middle names, but would it work to just use another word? Ava Bear, for example.

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  13. Maree

    We had a similar (ish) situation in our family in that after her divorce my mother put a lot of pressure on us to agree to change our surname (Dad’s) to her maiden name. One of my siblings agreed but my sister and I held out to keep our name. By then (I was 8 or 9 at the time) I was firmly attached to my name and had no desire to change it. I still remember how upset and confusing I found it and how dreadful I felt holding out against my mum (who I wanted to please). There is still bad feeling I our family about it – even 20 years later my mother still brings up how much she wishes we had changed and whenever she does I feel bitter that she expected that and that she was so selfish about it (her feelings not ours were the important ones). Also the sibling who agreed changed it back as soon as he was legally able to so he obviously had some regrets about it and I feel now only agreed to pacify/please mum.

    I know your situation is different (Aunts are different to Fathers) but please consider the position you are placing your daughter in. It is very difficult for a child to do something that makes their parent unhappy but if she feels strongly about her name (as you say) then she will remember how unfair the request is. After all the name is hers not yours and you are only changing it for reasons which are about you.

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  14. Allison

    I would make an official change by adding a middle name in the spot before Alison. Nothing would be removed, so you never even have to fully discuss it with family if it doesn’t come up. It would be good for you to make a positive choice (FOR a preferred name) but not a negative choice (AGAINST the disliked name). You would then be able to say the first name with the new middle, without making any reference to the old middle, but leaving it included for the sake of your daughter who identifies with it.

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  15. The Mrs.

    Calling your sweet girl Ava Allie would be a nice way around your mental association with your sister. I agree with plenty of other commenters; find a new connection with the name that has nothing to do with a hurtful relative.
    You could even find a few children’s books that have ‘Allie’ as a character, read them to your daughter, and casually note, “Hey! She’s an Allie… just like I call YOU Ava Allie!”
    Here’s the truth about legal name changes: whenever a person is required to submit their birth cert, they must also submit their legal change of name cert. It’s lame. Even after a marital name change, sometimes the legal name change cert is still required. The bottom line: Ava will know about the change, and chances are, it’ll annoy her to no end.
    If she does end up asking (for a school project or abject curiosity) about why you picked her name, make sure you have your story worked out ahead of time… sing the ‘Allison’ song to her, emphasize that her daddy chose ‘Ava’, etc.
    You have my whole-hearted sympathy for the pain your sister has put you through. Everything is going to work out beautifully. Even if you sister isn’t ever a part of her darling niece’s life.

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  16. kerry

    I’d throw out Allison or Alyson as even more subtle changes that might options for you, if you feel like a change is absolutely necessary. If your daughter isn’t spelling her name yet, it will make no difference to her.

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  17. Britni

    “Ava is now 5 and really does love her name…” That says it all.

    Coming from an unstable childhood, I probably have stronger feelings on this than most, but I think it’s really selfish for a parent to put their anxieties and stress on to their child. Changing her name would do just that. I can only imagine what could go through her head…confusion, anxiety, wondering what was wrong with her name leading into wondering what is wrong with her… Don’t do that to her, especially when Ava Alison is a very nice name.

    Others have had good suggestions: get over calling her by both names, think of it as a tribute to your parents, think of positive associations for Alison. You could also consider the context in which you gave the name. imparting the idea of forgiveness and willingness to move forward is never a bad thing.

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  18. Stella

    I see the appeal of using both names, especially when they sound so lovely together. How about changing what you say out loud to:
    Ava Alice-in-wonderland
    Ava Alisonetta
    Ava Alisonette (adding any kind of diminutive would work)
    Ava Allie (already suggested)
    Ava Alligator (already suggested).
    Best wishes.

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  19. Cate

    I think you have some great advice here, and I fully agree that changing her name at this point is probably not the best thing for your daughter. My only additional suggestion is not related to the name issues, but I recommend going to counseling. I hope you don’t take offense to this- I mean it in a positive and encouraging way. You have obviously been through a lot with your sister, and it’s affecting many areas of your life. Hopefully counseling could help you put some things behind you and move forward. Best of luck!

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  20. Gail

    Last evening I wrote maybe 4 replies to this query, deleting each before submitting. Now, with less melodrama, I’ll try once more.

    My first daughter is grown now, but when she was born I was in a shaky and unwise long term relationship with her father. I let my vulnerability tip my naming choices to ones I hoped would strengthen her father’s commitment to her, (and to me), choosing not only his surname (when I didn’t need to–we weren’t married) but his father’s (her grandfather’s) name as her middle. By the time she was 5 months old, we’d separated, and throughout her childhood, this man was mostly absent and never did provide support. And my beautiful little daughter had not 1, but 2 names from his family. I missed the opportunity to change them when she was a baby–it was all I could do to take care of her, and other, more important stuff. I never called her by her first and middle–it was too awkward, and painful. Instead, just as so many commenters have suggested, I called her by a pet name….Bryn Boo. (Boo might as well be her middle-ha!). Today, this young woman is 34, and still uses the name she was given at birth. I still don’t like it. But I absolutely love her, and the name has become “her” rather than my ex’s, so all is good.

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  21. JMV

    I am struggling to imagine how this name change could be framed in any way to Ava that doesn’t seem odd, confusing, or scary. I can’t imagine any positive Life Lesson that undertaking a name change at this point would impart on her. Ava Alison is HER name. She has a first name in the Top Ten most popular names in the US which means that she already has or will someday meet other Ava’s. What if one of them is terrible bully? Would she then feel compelled to be ashamed of her name because of someone else’s behavior? Connecting your daughter’s identity to someone else’s bad behavior based on a name seems like a terribly confusing message for a child. Later, when she may want to change her name at marriage, will she worry that this conveys a permanent severing of her relationship with her family?

    We often alter the stories we tell our children from reality. I’d attempt to put Ava’s name story in the same category as Santa – a story designed to teach our children about values. If it was me, I’d make up a better story – one that conveyed the value system of our family. When she asks, “Mommy, why did you name me Alison?”, you could answer:
    – “Well, honey, your dad and I thought you looked like an angel, so we both picked names with a letter A.”; or
    -“I really like the actress Allison Janney. I liked how she was a strong female character in the West Wing” ; or
    – “I liked the Pixies lyric – ‘When the planet hit the sun, I saw the face of Allison.’ that’s how meeting you felt to me.”

    Who cares if it is reality? Or better yet, what if that story BECOMES the reality – a story of beauty and love and positive emotion? If and when your daughter hears something about the fall out between you and your sister and asks about the name connection, you can tell her about your mixed emotions about her middle name…and how you decided not to change it because you had grown to love the name because it was HER name.

    Also, I’m really sorry about the situation with your sister. Alison really is the one that is missing out, not getting to interact with three great kids.

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  22. Tara

    I actually love the suggestion of adding a second middle name, and having your daughter participate in choosing it. I have a 5-year-old daughter and she has been insisting that everyone start calling her Rose instead of her given name. She’s even been able to convince casual acquaintances that she is called that. She would be thrilled to have us add it to her name, and I think would quite enjoy if we started calling her by first name-Rose. Perhaps your daughter would be able to find a similar name that she loves and could start using instead of Allison.

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    1. Another Heather

      You said exactly what I was thinking, only about three minutes before I did! As you can see by my repetitive comment below, I totally second this approach!

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  23. Another Heather

    I know most people are in camp “don’t-change-it” but I wonder if it wouldn’t be ok to compromise here. Ava likes her middle name, and so she should keep it, but perhaps you could ask her to help you choose a new, second middle name? You could have it legally added in front of Alison, or you could just substitute it for Alison when addressing her. The fact that she chose it may give her a special fondness for it that would otherwise be hard to achieve if her old name was wrested from her and replaced with something she’s unfamiliar with. I can see the merit in the argument against changing it, but if a pet-name won’t replace the emotional baggage present, and you truly feel pain when thinking about your daughter’s name, I think this might be a good halfway point.
    I am really sorry you’ve found yourself in this position. I hope you can either find piece with Ava’s full name, or find an alternative that works for you.

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  24. Blythe

    Someone may have already mentioned this, but have you considered changing the spelling of Alison? At 5, that is certainly a switch you could make. She could be Allison or Allyson or even something totally wild like Alicynn, if you needed to get more distance. Then it won’t be The Sister’s Name when you write it on a form, at least.

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  25. Megan M.

    Letter Writer, I can empathize how tough this must be for you to have a strained relationship with your sister, I just can’t see changing your daughter’s name. It would be like punishing your daughter, who loves and identifies with her name, for something that has nothing to do with her. Any way you framed it, you would be dragging your daughter into an adult issue.

    I also named one of my daughters after my sister (middle name.) At three years old, it’s HER name, but I can’t help but think briefly of my sister whenever I say my daughter’s full name. I can imagine how tough it would be, if my sister and I had a serious falling-out. But I still think changing the name would go too far.

    I’ll never forget a phone call I once had with my grandmother, my father’s mother. I was talking to her about visiting her. and we were saying how great it would be if my father could be there at the same time. And I innocently said that it would be great if my aunt (father’s sister) could come too. My grandmother flew off the handle and yelled at me and said if I wanted to invite my aunt I could shove it. I was 10 years old. I had no idea that my grandmother and my aunt were fighting. Who does that?

    I don’t doubt that you’re in a lot of pain, Letter Writer, but you have to do whatever you can to separate that pain from your daughter’s name. It has nothing to do with her, and I think it would do much more harm than good to try to change it now.

    Reply
  26. Kaela

    I think the simple answer is that it is too late for any formal, legal changes. Ava Alison is old enough to be attached to her name, and it seems like legally changing it could open a can of worms in terms of your current (and future) relationship with your daughter. Not to say that a negative result would likely happen if you followed through– I’m thinking about my own middle name and what I would think if my mother had changed it when I was 4 or 5, and I don’t think I’d care at all now– but it is possible your daughter would be upset down the line. Why take the risk for something that is ultimately not about you? It’s her name. You picked it, but it’s no longer yours entirely.

    As far as the family dynamic goes– Swistle is brilliant in pointing out how subtle and specific and individual each family is. Only you can make a real guess as to how your extended family would react if you followed through with the name change. Though a part of me also wonders why you would necessarily need to tell them…? This just further shows how different every family is– my extended family is rather distant and I think I am the only one who pays attention to middle names at all post-birth announcement (because of course, I am a name nerd!).

    I also don’t mean to pry, but it’s worth asking– how bad exactly has your sister been? Sociopathic levels of nastiness? Actual violence? Drugs, alcohol? Vicious lies that destabilize the family? Affairs with other family members’ partners? Jail time? If it was very extreme– awfulness leading to prosecution, or serious substance abuse problems coupled with crime or awful behavior, or cheating within the family– I think changing the name is completely justified and your family ought to rally round for it or at least not make comments. (They shouldn’t make comments anyway because it is not really their business). On the other hand, if it is more just her being mean to you… Yeah, that’s awful but somehow harder to justify to others. Which is why, again, I don’t think you need to justify it to anyone anyway. (Though I do agree that it would be a major bridge burning, and short of your sister having made a pass at your husband or something unforgivable like that, are you sure it is worth the drama if/when she learns of the change?)

    I guess I’m trying to say that this is ultimately about you and your daughter. Not aunts, cousins, grandparents. They shouldn’t try to sway you one way or the other.

    I also think if you make the change, it should be total. That’s just my gut. Not Ava Alice or Ava Ellison. It just doesn’t give the psychic distance– it seems like a half-measure that still causes all the friction while not making a clean break of the association.

    Ahh, I feel my response is convoluted. Well, it’s a difficult situation. I hope you and Ava Alison can find peace on it! Best wishes.

    Reply
  27. Mary

    I wouldn’t legally change the name but maybe call her by a nickname when you use both names – like Ava Lissy or Ava Aly or even Ava Sunny/Sunshine.

    Reply
  28. Rita

    I like the suggestion of Ava Alice or Ava Ally — you could take Alice or Ally as “short” for Alison and you wouldn’t necessarily have to legally change her name.

    Reply
  29. Page

    I love the idea of Ava Allie. Seems like the perfect compromise – Allie has a different feel from Allison.

    Reply
  30. Amanda

    I’m going to hop onto the other side of the fence here and comment that I can’t imagine hating my child’s name, it would be agonizing for me. I love seeing their names, writing them, choosing items with their names on them. What would everyone say if the things that Alison had done were horrible, like crime level horrible?

    I think you need to do what will bring the most feelings of peace to you while keeping your daughter’s level of comfort in mind. She’s on the cusp of being the age at which she will remember this. Perhaps you can ask her what her favorite name in the whole wild world is? Or change it just subtly enough (so many great suggestions) that you both love it. I don’t think you’re going to ruin her by making the change. Most kids at the age of five have so many nicknames that they’d probably be totally surprised that none of them are their really really real name.

    Be Well!

    Reply

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