James writes:
So I have what seems to be a very rare situation on my hands – My wife and I have been trying to come up with baby names since about two years ago. We got married in May of this year on our third anniversary of our first date. We never came up with much we both liked, but in June we found out she was pregnant – making good baby names a priority. A girl’s name came quickly, but a boy’s name was giving us a bit more trouble. I didn’t want to name a boy after myself; I’m already James III.
After quite a bit of discussion, my wife suggested Alexander, after my brother. I hadn’t considered that, and I suggested the nickname of Xander, as my brother goes by Alex. We were in agreement. We had already decided the middle name to be Seamus because my best friend calls me that. I’m of Irish descent, so it’s my name, but also a bit of tribute to him. Alexander “Xander” Seamus Perry.
Fast forward a month and we find out we’re having a boy! I immediately text many family and friends with the news and the name. Two days later my best friend calls telling me he’s been rather upset. Apparently he and his girlfriend of 6 years decided 3 or 4 years ago on Alexander “Xander” Chase G. as the name they’d use for their first son. They had never shared this with us and it was pure coincidence that we’d picked the same first name AND nickname. He didn’t ask me to change it, nor did I ask him to do so when the time comes for them to have children. But I still feel there is resentment there on his part. My wife also feels some resentment toward them as they are nowhere near the point of starting a family. They want to be married before children, they aren’t engaged and they’re upset at us happening to pick the same first name they wanted? – my wife’s thoughts, simplified.
I apologized to my friend, but this is obviously not on purpose. This is a name he’s wanted since before his girlfriend, apparently, so I felt a little bad, but we love the name and intend to use it. Who knows if they’ll even have boys when the time comes? Is there any way to help soften this further for them and reduce potential friction with them and my wife. We’re all very close, but I think I’m the only one of us four not upset about things at this point. After all, I am one of about a dozen Jimmys between my friends and family. Why can’t there be two Xanders?
Considering what an unhappy situation this is, it sounds like things are going pretty well. It’s fortunate that you mentioned the name first, without knowing your friend planned to use it, because now everyone in the situation knows you came up with it yourselves and didn’t “steal” a name he’d thought of. And, if your friend had written to me in a panic after you announced the name, I would have advised him to mention to you as immediately as possible that he also planned to use it: this would make it clear he too didn’t “steal,” while simultaneously giving you the heads-up that he would likely still use it (in case that wasn’t okay with you and you wanted to choose a different name). So this is all good so far: necessary information is traveling back and forth.
It’s understandable that your friend and his girlfriend would be surprised and upset. I don’t think they should have shared the “upset” part of their feelings with you, but I’ve noticed that the “All feelings are okay to have” movement has led some people to imagine the rule is actually “All feelings are okay to to have AND to communicate to anyone at any time.” It would have been appropriate for your friend and his girlfriend to share their sadness with each other, or with other friends (friends who would not race to share that information with you)—but to you, they should have expressed surprise and perhaps fake joy: “Wow, what a coincidence, that is the SAME NAME we had in mind!! Maybe we’ll BOTH have Xanders, how fun!” From this you would have received the necessary information (they thought of the name independently; they might still use it), and you would likely also have understood that this was probably not actually good news for them and would have felt sympathy.
Instead, by communicating that they are upset (which implies that you have wronged them in some way, since that’s when it would be appropriate for them to share that feeling), they’ve set up a situation RICH for resentment and unpleasantness and hard feelings. Never mind! We will rise above it! We will talk ourselves through it by understanding that although their behavior is not what we would consider ideal, they are the Sad Ones and you are the Happy Ones in this situation: they will not get to use the name first, and you will. Of course they are upset; that is natural as long as they are only upset That It Happened, and not upset At You. They are good friends and we will have mercy in this time of sadness for them, as long as they get ahold of themselves pretty soon.
If you haven’t yet, I suggest using the line they should have used, which would be something about how it would be fun if you both had Xanders. This communicates that you will not be upset if they go ahead with their plans to use the name, and also spins the whole situation toward bonding rather than division.
After that, I think everyone needs a little time to adjust to this surprise. In the meantime, I’d suggest you and your wife pick a Coping Thought. Different ones work for different people, but for myself I might try deflection every time I started getting upset about it: “Nope! Nope, I am NOT thinking about this! We all just need some time, and everything’s going to be fine!” Or I would work the luck/empathy angle: “I would feel terrible if this happened to me; what an unfortunate coincidence. I’m so glad we’re having a boy first!”
I would not recommend looking for evidence that the other couple is still upset; that way madness lies. And perhaps they intended only to mention it so that you’d understand if they used the name later, and now everyone is on the same page and has the same understanding of the situation. But if they do bring it up again, you might need to bring out The Soothing List: Alexander is a very common name and Xander is a very common nickname for it; both couples chose it independently with no “stealing”; both couples can still use it. I would not bring up anything about how maybe they won’t get married and maybe they won’t have a boy; that’s a good one for you and your wife to express to each other, but not to the friends. You could perhaps touch on it lightly by saying something like, “And even if we DO both have Xanders, there will be an age gap—they won’t be in the same grade or anything.”
Swistle is right on target here. Alexander is a very common name (#9 in 2012 according to the SSA), and the end-of-name-as-nickname thing is also on-trend. Independent selection of the same name isn’t terribly unlikely in this context. It’s unfortunate that your friends are upset, but this likely really has much more to do with where they are in their lives than with your choice of name. Use the name you love, try to be kind to them, and enjoy life with your new baby boy.
The brazen self-entitlement expressed by some people! Your best friend is not married, nor even engaged, nor is his partner pregnant, nor did you give any indication they are planning shortly to try for a baby. Most of all, unlike you, they are not expecting a male child in a few short months. They may never have a boy at all. Some people end up having all girls. Some people end up deciding not to have kids at all. And even if they do have a boy someday, by the time they get around to it– in a year or two at the minimum it sounds like– they very may have moved on from “Xander”.
And yet they were selfish and rude enough to make a big deal out of you using “their” name right now. Usually I agree with Swistle 100%, but I think she goes too easy on your friends in this case. They are not acting very much like friends, more like spoiled brats. They can feel upset if they’d like, but privately. They should not have made their resentment apparent and certainly not enough to have elicited a totally unnecessary apology from you. By publicizing their displeasure to you, they are putting their own petty emotions first. Are you sure they are good friends? My partner and I have a few names picked out, including one that my partner is reallly attached to (Echo– Swistle actually handled a question of mine about it a few months ago). But if one of our best friends suddenly announced they were pregnant and using Echo as the name, we would never interrupt their happiness to say “that was ours!!!”. We’d tell them gracefully/warmly, “Echo is such a good name! Actually, we were considering it for a future girl, too!”, and figure that if and when we were expecting a girl in the future the two girls would be far enough apart in age for it not to matter as much if we still wanted to use Echo. (Disclaimer: I am actually not that into using Echo, which was what my letter to Swistle was about, but I am imagining if I did really love it, or if my partner was attached to a name I really love, like Penelope. Penelope is a better example in this case anyway because it is closer to Xander in popularity.)
Do your friends know you are naming the baby after his uncle, too? If not, inform them. If they already know that and still whined, “That’s our name! You’re steaaaling it!” (in tone if not actual words), you should further question their maturity and value as friends.
I do think Swistle has offers some great ideas and phrases for taking the high road and acting gracious even in the face of their pettiness. It is commendable if you go down that route! I would be much more likely to call the friends out for being inconsiderate, or else start getting distant/drift away… neither of which is probably very admirable as counter-behavior.
Anyway, don’t be put off using Alexander/Xander, and best of luck!
You’re naming your baby after your brother! And your brother’s nickname dictates the baby’s nickname. I agree with a commenter above me that, if your friends don’t realize that or don’t care, they aren’t very mature.
I am actually pregnant with a boy right now. My husband and I have been referring to our future child FOR YEARS by a certain name that we both love…but now that I am actually pregnant we can’t decide between that name and another name. If a friend had used “our” name before we got to use it I would have been sad (privately!), but happily that didn’t happen. Now we have the chance to use the name first and after all these years I’m not sure if it’s right! So even if your friends do end up married with a boy on the way, they could easily change their minds. Although your letter actually makes t seem like they may use the name out of spite anyway…
I agree with the other commentors. Even good friends have their “moments”, so forgive them their inconsiderateness and move along with being happy! They’ll get over it. :)
To answer your final question, there can be two Xanders. After you use the name, and if they have a boy, it’s up to them whether or not that happens. I wouldn’t change the name of a real baby for a theoretical one, and even if there were two simultaneous pregnancies, there could still be two Xanders. I’d be sensitive when talking to them about it if it comes up again, but it sounds as if you’ve found your name.
I’m very familiar with this name, so to me it does seem like they’re making a mountain out of a molehill! I had a childhood friend named Alexander nicknamed Xander, and my good friend is expecting her own Xander (if it’s a boy!) in a few short months. I can understand their disappointment, but when a name is in the top 100 you have to go into things expecting to run across others! For example, I had a lifelong attachment to the name Lorelei for a daughter. Then about a year ago and a very close family member used it! But since then I’ve realized that it is actually quite popular, and while I was privately upset I am so glad I remained outwardly joyful and complimentary of their choice. It seems to me that your friends are letting their surprise and disappointment get the better of them. Considering the situation–with your boy arriving imminently and theirs still a hypothetical–they have no right to make you feel badly about your name choice! I think Swistle is right in saying you need to be kind but firm. Sympathize but don’t let them ruin your happiness. I’m truly sorry that your wife is being affected by all of this. There is nothing worse than someone turning what should be a happy occasion into a point of resentment! You’ve picked a great name, a true classic, you should BOTH use it proudly!
In my friend’s defense, he never said he was upset with us, and made it very clear that he wasn’t. Just at the situation. I did do my best to convey that there can be two Xanders, and that there may be a small age gap. When I did apologize, he said he appreciated it, but I had nothing to apologize for. When I pushed that it would be okay with two Xanders, I also mentioned that my dad, step-dad, three grandfathers, and many friends are all Jimmys. We then made plans to get together this weekend on his prompt. I just don’t want friction with the women. My wife already can blow things out of proportion and the pregnancy makes that quite the roller coaster, and his girlfriend can be rather sensitive about some things. I love them like a brother and sister.
Oh. If you are looking for advice on managing a conflict between other people, then my suggestion is to make sure you’re not contributing to it by sharing thoughts with your wife such as “But I still feel there is resentment there on his part.” Instead, make sure you are communicating to her the things happening outside of your imagination: your friend’s assertion that no apology is necessary, your friend’s assurance that he definitely wasn’t upset with you, etc. It sounds like those messages might not be getting through—or might not be getting through untainted by wondering if your friend is lying to you. In the meantime, you can hope your friend is communicating similar wishes of good will and understanding (and a similar lack of wondering if you’re lying to him) to his girlfriend.
Looking on the bright sign, I think it could actually be viewed as a good thing that your friend felt secure enough in your friendship to be able to share his feelings about your choice in an honest way, especially since he did it without blaming you in any way (which would have been really unfair, considering you had no idea they were thinking about that name as well). So I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Yours seems to be a solid friendship with good communication, so you should be fine.
Enjoy your weekend plans with your friend and I suggest letting the topic rest unless they bring it up. And if they do, from what you write it seems like you already have the empathetic but firm thing down. You’ll be fine!
My husband and I encountered almost exactly this situation with close friends! When we realized what had happened we consulted them, they graciously indicated we could “have” the name, and we used it! They weren’t pregnant, and by their own admission could possibly never have a boy. You can’t call dibs on a baby name years in advance! Anyways, for the rest of the pregnancy I felt bad about the situation, and kind of like we stole their name. In the end, you are the ones having the baby, and a little selfishness I think is totally acceptable in this situation. You loved this name for a long time just like your friend and have just as much right to it as he does. They will find another name in the years to come and Alexander will be so associated with your little guy they probably wont even remember how much they wanted the name in the first place.
Good luck!
I was on the other side: the un-pregnant friend have who graciously indicated they could “have” the name (and secretly and silently mourned my loss).
But, am I EVER glad it happened this way.
1.5 years later: Baby #1 wasn’t even a girl, so I would not have had a chance to use the name.
3 years later: I am now pregnant with Baby #2….and don’t love the name anymore, but definitely would have felt OBLIGATED to use it!!
Is this the best friend that calls you Seamus? If so, I would emphasize that part of the name, which may help allay some feelings. It is a weird and undesirable situation all around, so that all is ok to feel, even though I agree that you should not feel bad about using the name and should use it and it can be spun as fun. And I am still fretting about naming my 5 month old baby, and very much appreciate my husband’s reassurances and patience. So I would suggest responding to your wife with similar reassurances and patience and soothing. Hormones are powerful.
Swistle, your advice in general above is very timely and helpful to me in dealing with a not-perfect situation in my own family, one that I do NOT want to obsess over and become resentful of in the future. The advice about not sharing the upset feelings (which I luckily haven’t yet and this will give me something to refer to so that I won’t) and the coping thoughts. So thank you!
Ugh, this is the worst. I totally agree with Swistle’s suggestions. Alexander/Xander is such a great name and you should go ahead and use it. They’re no guarantee of what will happen in the future (what if they end up with all girls? what if they don’t have a kid?). People can’t dibs names. It doesn’t work like that.
I join the chorus above :) My best friend and I were both pregnant at the same time and both wanted to use the same family name. I just said ‘oh wow – that’s the name we picked as well’. I can’t remember any friction. About 2 years later they moved away and though we communicate by phone our kids are only in the same room at Christmas. I’m glad we didn’t ruin a friendship over something very trivial.
Please though try and be fair to your wife. These are your friends so she has ‘inherited’ them by marriage. This means that she doesn’t have all those good feelings towards them that buffer annoyances and hurt feelings like this. It also means that she is probably on the outer of the relationship and may feel that she will be ‘blamed’ for the situation (after all they probably won’t blame you!). Also pregnant women are designed to be extra sensitive to any ‘threats’ or ‘criticism’ of the baby (which extends to the name), her being super-sensitive about baby stuff just shows that she is hormonally gearing up to be a great mum….
As a heads up I wouldn’t show your wife this post – you do come across as extra keen to defend your friend and kinda pleased to run the ‘my wife is over-reacting’ line…. unless you are happy sleeping on the couch that is!
Oh, no no no. She was the one to say she’s over-reacting, but couldn’t help it because she’s pregnant – and that she can’t help how she feels. Which I totally get. I am not sharing this post with anyone I know, though. Just wanted to seek some third party perspective, and I appreciate Swistle’s touching on the matter.
Sounds like you’ve already totally aced what could have been a really awkward situation James III. Everyone seems to ‘get’ the situation, and how others may be feeling, which is a good sign! Well done!
It is understandable that you are concerned about the feelings of those close to you and wouldn’t want something like this to cause an upset. Sometimes reassurance from an outside source is all you need to get back on track.
All the best with baby Xander!
I agree with Swistle 100%. Sadly, this is one of the risks of sharing a baby name before the baby is born.
Personally, I think you have a stronger claim to the name, seeing as it is a namesake for your brother, while it is only a name that your friend likes. Perhaps this will help you & your wife feel more confident about using the name despite the possible upset. I don’t know that I’d say this to your friends, but perhaps you could gently touch on it with them, “Wow, if you have a boy, I’ll know 3 Alexanders. Yours, mine & my brother!”
Just make it clear that you are using the name & that you don’t have a problem with them using later.
This happened to my brother! He and his best friend were expecting babies around the same time, his friend’s wife had her baby first and named him ‘Alexander’. My sisterinlaw had never said this is the name she was thinking out loud but it was the ONLY name in her head that her baby was going to be Alexander. I recognize hormones play a part in this ;) Since they hadn’t come up with a middle name they liked. I convinced them to name their baby (first name: brother’s name) middle: Alexander and just have him go by Alexander. My brother’s friend lives in another country. They maybe see each other once a year. When they do get together, everyone calls my nephew by his first name – middle name. No one is fazed by it – 16 years later! Oh and they went on to have 4 more kids and never ever had a name figured out when the kids were born ;)
Good luck to you!
Alexander is in the top 10. There will be so many Xanders your son’s age that even if your friends still want to use the name when they have the chance, it probably wouldn’t raise any eyebrows.
I haven’t read anyone else’s response including Swistle’s so these are just my thoughts before I could be persuaded by any other opinion.
Two things:
Thing One: When I was initially pregnant with my oldest child I liked a name (that I can’t even remember) if that baby were a girl. My cousin who is older than me by 5 years claimed that she had “called” that name and that she loved it so much and I couldn’t use it. I ended up having a boy so this didn’t become an issue but your post reminded me of it and heres the other thing – she never had kids. And I can almost guarantee that she wouldn’t like the name now if she were to choose one anyway. I would hate to give up a name that seemed perfect at the time to someone who claimed it and then that person never use it. Talk about resentment!
Thing two – looking back over the 13 years that have passed since we were naming our children, I have to honestly say that the people you think will be your friends forever and ever…aren’t the people you end up raising your children alongside. Yes you may still know them but they aren’t in the same classroom, soccer team, etc etc. Giving up a name that is perfect for you for anyone that isn’t a legal permanent ficture in your life, is a huge sacrifice. Even my very bestiest friends don’t have kids the same age as mine and their kids aren’t doing the same activities as mine – it’s just such a non-issue.
Name your son anything that makes your heart happy!