A. writes:
I’m a new father writing to seek some advice, or perhaps consolation, for my baby name regret I am suffering over my 4-month-old son.
His name is Dean. My wife and I named him after my maternal grandfather, who is still alive and lives three hours away from me.
Here’s the catch.
My grandfather spells his name Deane.
In the beginning we talked about family names (although this is not necessarily a tradition in our families) and both liked the name Dean, agreeing that it met our guidelines for being short, masculine, unique and not trendy. We both agreed we liked the more common spelling (“Dean” without the extra “e”.), in large part because our last name is so frequently mistaken for a similar-sounding surname. We figured it would be best to keep spelling as simple as possible.
While I’m not terribly close to my grandfather, he is someone I admire, having been a great husband to my grandma and family man. In other words, he’s an excellent candidate for naming your son after.
Momentum just rolled toward the name Dean. As time wore on, however, I grew worried about how my grandfather would respond to the spelling change. I think I mostly kept the anxiety to myself. Then, when my wife was 8 months pregnant, I suggested we spell it “Deane,” like my grandfather, or consider another name. This angered her greatly. She had fallen in love with the name Dean, and was also firmly opposed to spelling it Deane. She got feisty. I back tracked and submitted.
The next day, at my wife’s suggestion, I called my mom to talk it over with her. My mom told me that Grandpa wouldn’t care and that “your grandpa would probably prefer his grandson not bear the burden of having that extra “e” on the end.” She said he had grown tired of being called “Deanne” and “Deanie” by people who didn’t recognize the name. (He also regularly gets mail for Deanne).
So we agreed to Dean. On the day he was born, I had a lot of anxiety (which I kept to myself).
For the record, no one in the family has said anything bad. My grandfather has been very understanding (at least outwardly) and has shown no sign of disappointment. He regularly asks my mom about “Little Dean” and says he enjoys receiving photographs. In fact, after a day where he was called “Deanne” one too many times, he told my parents “I’m so thankful that my great-grandson doesn’t have that “e” on the end.”
Still, I continue to have the same fears I did beforehand, that:
1) We were jerks and bad family members for even considering changing the spelling in the first place because using a family name is so sacred.
2) We somehow insulted my grandfather by not going with the original spelling. (I imagine that after a lifetime of having to remind people that you have an “e” on the end of your name, the ultimate insult is when your great-grandson is named after you, but without the “e.” My mom says that I am wrong here.)
I coped for the first three months. But lately it has caused me enough torment that I sank into depression and am in therapy for it. It’s the only thing I can think about and it keeps me up all night long. I simply can’t sleep. It’s such an awful thing to second guess your son’s name around the clock. Especially when he is named after your own grandfather and you bear so much guilt over it.
My wife says changing the name in any way is out of the question and that I am being irrational. Otherwise she has been very supportive and has put up with a lot of grief.
I don’t know what to do, and his full name, which I am declining to reveal, lends itself to no obvious nicknames.
and
I have a rather severe case of baby name regret, but the name cannot be changed. I could write a novel on my name regret. I’ll spare you most details except that the child is 9 mos old and he is named in honor of my 86-year-old grandfather.
The regret has caused me all sorts of guilt, feelings of failure and mental anguish, which my wife and I are trying to work through.I’ve done some online research on “name regret,” which is how I found your website. Most of what I have read on your site and others are accounts of women who experienced acute name regret, perhaps as a result of post partem depression, and got over it once the depression lifted. I’ve also seen accounts of women who changed the child’s name and were very relieved. But I haven’t seen any accounts of women who kept the name and just learned to live with it, even if they didn’t like it. (Perhaps because no one wants to admit publicly that they don’t like their kid’s name.) I’ve also yet to find accounts of men going through this, which makes me feel rather alone.
In your blog experience, have you ever spoken with parents who were able to put their regret behind them and just learn to live with it? If so, what was their experience like.
I worry that this is going to haunt me forever. I hope that when he is 5, I’m not still living in regret.
I would love to hear that other parents went through this too and that eventually it passed and they were able to cope with it.
Thanks for any consolation you can offer.
In my experience, name regret is rarely about the baby’s name. If you’ve examined my site as well as other sites, you HAVE read posts where the parent got over it, and you HAVE read posts where the parent just learned to live with it, and you HAVE read posts where the parent changed the name and the change did not bring relief—but you have found reasons to disregard them all. You’re thinking that if you were to find the perfect post that reflected your exact situation, THEN you’d feel better, but I think that’s a false goal: if you did find a post reflecting your exact situation, you would find a reason to disregard that as well. Let’s say you found a post by a man talking about his agonizing regret and saying that he then learned to live with the name—how would that help you learn to live with it? What if you found a post by a man who had NOT learned to cope? Would that help you? Why?
I remember your first letter. You gave your son the right name on many levels and for many reasons, and everyone thinks so except you (including your grandfather, who would have hated it and perhaps even felt guilty if you’d used the other spelling he hated so much). If everyone important to you is telling you you absolutely did the right thing, will it help to have a stranger say the same thing? If so: You did the right thing. If you had named him Deane, you would likely be going through the exact same crisis now, wondering if you should have named him Dean.
With issues of this sort, the usual suggestion is not for the person to try to stop thinking about it (“trying not to think about it” = useless), but instead for them to focus their attention on something else. Focus on your darling son, whose name could be Carrot for all that matters. Focus on your wife, who has spent her first 9 months as a mother babying you as well as her baby. Focus on your grandfather, who has been honored and has specifically said he’s relieved you didn’t go with the other spelling. If you must, turn your attention briefly to larger depressing matters, to give you a sense of how truly unimportant this issue is in the big picture. Many people find some relief with volunteer work.
Or try thought exercises. Let’s say you have given him the worst possible name. You haven’t, but let’s pretend for a moment that your worst fears are realized and you REALLY DID GIVE HIM THE WRONG NAME. Now realize this: it STILL doesn’t matter. It’s just a name. Names are not “sacred”; names are collections of sounds used to help us tell people apart. Your grandfather didn’t spell his name Deane; his PARENTS spelled it Deane—to his lasting inconvenience and irritation. No one thinks taking away the disliked/inconvenient E is “the ultimate insult,” and why would they? If you wanted to insult your grandfather, and you thought long and hard about the absolute best way to show him your intense scorn and dislike, would you have done it by naming your son Dean? Did you chuckle evilly as you filled out the birth certificate, saying, “THAT’LL show the old man how much I despise him!!”? No.
In my own struggles with misplaced anxiety, I have found it helpful to imagine that someone is coming to me with the same problem I am having. Imagine reading your own letter, written by someone else: this other man’s grandfather was named Frances, but he’s named his son Francis because that’s the traditionally male spelling and his grandfather always hated his name spelled with the E and wished his name was Francis. Now he’s worried he’s basically stabbed his grandfather in the back and then poured in some acid to make sure he REALLY felt the wound, even though in real life the grandfather wiped his brow and expressed relief that his grandson went with the right spelling. Would you agree that the writer should be in such agony? Would you agree that in a situation where nothing can be changed, the people involved can productively spend their time feeling horrible about it?
I have also found it useful to ask myself this question: “What is it you WANT?”—and then to ask myself why I want it and whether I can have it. It sounds to me like what you want is to go back in time and use Deane instead of Dean, AND for that to be what everyone else (your grandfather, your wife) wants too. The reason you want it is that you think it’ll make you feel better, and the answer to whether you can have it is no. Or do you want to read your grandfather’s mind, so as to be reassured that he REALLY DOES think it was best to name your son Dean? You can’t have that, either. Do you want to be individually reassured by every person on the planet that you did the right thing? No again. Is there anything you want that you CAN have? Aim for those goals.
Think of all the countless generations that have come before you, since the time humans started referring to each other by name. Think of all the women who have married men whose families had naming traditions, and all the parents who got bullied into using a name they didn’t want to use. Think of all the situations where you can tell there had to have been serious compromises: a child is named Richard but called Jack, or named Edgar but called Jason. Believe me when I say that you are not the only one who didn’t/doesn’t like his or her child’s name. Some people HATE their children’s names, and of course they don’t discuss it: they don’t want to hurt the child’s feelings. They know the child is more important than the name.
It doesn’t matter if your son’s name doesn’t lend itself to a nickname. Call him Buddy. Call him Partner. Call him Sport. Call him Little Guy. Call him Honey. Call him Sweetie-muffin. Call him Son. Call him Ol’ Blue/Green/Brown-Eyes. Call him Lovey. Call him D. Call him Captain McStinkyBritches. Call him anything that rhymes with what you’re saying to him (“Let’s go, Joe” and “Time for school, McCool”). Call him Biscuit. Call him Bear. Call him Bean. Call him Cheeks. Or call him Dean/Deane, because they’re identical when said aloud.
If it helps, imagine that you didn’t name him after your grandfather. No, you just named him Dean because you and your wife both loved the name and agreed on it. And, coincidentally, how nice: the name has a very positive association for you because it reminds you of your grandfather’s name.
I too hope that you are not still living this way when he is five. As a parent, one of your biggest challenges will be keeping things in perspective. There will be many, many opportunities in your son’s life for you to be wracked with guilt and uncertainty, and many, many opportunities for you to cope with situations where a decision (either yours or someone else’s) is not changeable and your only option is to brush your hands together briskly and say, “Welp, I guess since we can’t go back, we have to start from where we are!”
But let me tell you this, and I want you to listen to me carefully: You gave him the right name. AND IF YOU HADN’T: it would still be absolutely fine.
I was named after my great-grandmother Ethel. Except- Ethel is not a super stylish name anymore and my great grandma didn’t particularly like the name anyways. She always wished her name was Elizabeth because that was originally what her parents wanted to call her. So when I was born, my parents made my middle name Elizabeth in her honour.
The point? Honour names are a gesture toward another person saying “hey, I think you’re cool, I’m going to name my kid after you.” Dropping the “e” was no big deal. You were still showing everyone that you wanted to honour your grandfather while making a small adjustment to the name to make it easier for your son. Your grandfather doesn’t seem like he’s upset. Plus, why would your grandfather want you to pass on an inconvenient “e”?
The name Dean is awesome- it’s short, strong and it’s not overused. It was a good choice.
LW, it sounds like you have paternal postpartum depression and are focusing on the baby’s name because you have control over it (in theory). It’s good that you’re in therapy. Maybe it would be helpful to frame this as “I am anxious and depressed and worrying about the name is one way that my anxiety shows itself” instead of “I hate this name and it is making me anxious and depressed.”
Or I could be totally off base. Regardless, Swistle’s advice is good advice.
This comment is excellent. A slight shift in perspective can do wonders. I agree that saying you’re in therapy -for- baby name regret is inaccurate, but something more like, “I can tell I need help re-framing and re-orienting my thoughts by how overwhelming the issue of my son’s name feels” might be more on-target.
If your therapist hasn’t already suggested this, perhaps consider some version of a “gratitude journal.” Plan time each day to write down things you are grateful for. A bouncing baby boy, caring and considerate family, and loving wife seem like good ones to start with!
Love this comment (and Lashley’s follow-up). As someone who has suffered from anxiety and depression, I’m so glad you are in therapy and getting help.
I think this is exactly right. My husband went through a bought of depression after our first child was born. It is not as uncommon as people believe. Original Poster, if you are reading this-you are not a horrible father. You are not going to foul it up. Focusing on a the lack of a (rather random) E is a nice distraction from more serious matters, and I suspect is probably easier for you to obsess about than your real fears concerning becoming a father. Everything you are feeling is OK, and you are not alone. Please keep going to therapy, I promise things will get better.
And for what it’s worth, Dean is a lovely name and you DID NOT make a mistake.
I’m really sorry that you’re going through this, but this sounds like a bigger issue than baby name regret. I was in therapy for three years with similar feelings about life, but it boiled down to having this sense of not being good enough within myself. Why do you feel responsible for your grandfather’s feelings? He is an adult who has been a responsible person for a long time. If he had an issue with the child’s name, he could have/would have spoken up for himself. If he didn’t, well, that’s his issue, not yours. (Based on everything you’ve said, he’s thrilled with the whole thing.) Why are you so worried about what other people think? Why can’t you trust what people are saying to you? I identify with what you’re feeling. It feels awful but you need to give yourself a break. This wasn’t your decision alone and you both chose that name for all the right reasons. I hope you’re able to stop being so hard on yourself. My husband and I have been struggling for two years to have a child and it has been a heartbreaking journey. Look at that baby and remember how lucky you are.
As an adult whose parents gave me a name with an unusual spelling, I can say that you are doing your son a favor by using the more traditional spelling of his name. I think he would forever be explaining that his name is NOT pronounced “Deanie,” and while it’s not the worst problem to have, I can assure you that it does get really old to have to correct someone virtually every day about the spelling or pronunciation of your name.
If it’s any consolation, I’d guess that almost any person who’s reached adulthood has their share of regrets–most of us have things we desperately wanted to turn out a certain way, but they didn’t, whether we had control over them or not. In the scheme of things, this regret seems like something that was done with the best of intentions and in the best interests of your child. Although your feelings about the name are important, as a parent, your first responsibility is to your son and what’s best for him. I’m sorry that you’ve experienced such difficulty during your son’s infancy, and I hope that you continue to work toward and are able to achieve some peace of mind about this issue. Best wishes!
I have certainly had both misplaced anxiety and baby name regret. When I had baby name regret, it was only potential baby name regret, and my husband was able to talk me down and remind me of how much we liked the name and the reasons why. It was usually at the end of my pregnancy and I think I was nervous about the *baby* and myself as a mother, and it manifested itself in worry about the name, which was all I really knew about the person at that stage.
Something I like to do when I have anxiety about a situation is to think of the absolute worst thing that could happen. Like in this case, i think I would think what if your grandfather was really mad? Or if your wife hated the name? But your grandfather isnt mad, and not only is he not mad, but it sounds like he is the opposite of mad about dropping the E. Your wife fell in love with the name and now she is in love with the name AND the baby. Nothing that is the worst that you could imagine is happening. I think you could do yourself a solid and forgive yourself for not being sure about everything having to do with this baby. Everyone has doubts and worries and everyone especially has them when they have a new little baby for the first time. But this is not something you have to worry about – you have used the Honor Name perfectly, the person to whom you are giving the honor is thrilled, all is well, and your baby has a wonderful name now and forever. Good luck and hang in there.
I had a hard time finding the right name for my oldest. I looked through all the family names and disregarded them all. Then, at dinner one day with my grandmother and father I asked her what her father’s name was. Spencer, she said.
I fell in love with the name Spencer. Then, months later I found out that her father’s name was Spicer and I had just completely misheard her. Would I really have named my kid Spicer? Not a freaking chance. I did, however, have horrible guilt about “naming my son” after her father when it wasn’t really her father’s name. I kept the name though – I really loved it.
Even when Grandmother (yes, I called her that) was nearing the end of her life, she still would tell her friends in the nursing home that Spencer was named after her daddy. It gave her great pleasure and for us it’s just a funny story in the grand scheme of things.
Love this! I am due next month and Spencer is one of my top boys names.
I got lambasted by my MIL because we didn’t spell her mother’s name “right” (She went by Lizbeth, given name Elizabeth. We chose the latter.) or consult her when we chose to honor my DH’s grandmother’s memory in naming our child. It was apparently a Very. Big. Deal. and we thought it would be a nice surprise to honor the family in this way. We didn’t change the name.
So IME, I would say that Deane is likely truly honored and ok with the change in his namesake to Dean if he says so.
Someone told me that naming after an ancestor is an honor but not necessarily meant as a total clone of the name. Which makes it easy to explain why 7+ generations in my family have names and derivatives: Johanna, Anna, Annie, Hannah, etc. as namesakes on the female line. ;)
I’m truly sorry that you are struggling with this and wish you peace.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It’s obviously causing you a lot of anxiety, and so simply hearing people tell you that Dean is a great name (it is!), or that simply omitting a letter doesn’t decrease the honor of passing on your grandfather’s name (it doesn’t!) might not be enough.
It does sound like you may have focused all your anxiety about fatherhood and its unknowns onto this one decision, and as others suggest, simply acknowledging that might help you. It’s amazing how things lose their power when we say them out loud and acknowledge them. “I’m worried about Dean’s name because I’m worried that I’ll make bad decisions about his life,” or “I’m worried that I haven’t been a good enough son/grandson, and won’t be a good enough father, and that’s why I’m fixating on his name.” These may not be your reasons, of course, but if you can put your finger on the why, that might go a long way to helping you move past this.
One final thing I haven’t seen suggested: have you spoken directly with your grandfather about this? Your letter says that he “seems” happy and that you’ve heard from others that he doesn’t mind, but it might help you to hear it directly from him. Because, as Swistle suggested above, what’s the worst that could happen? What if your grandfather does say, unlikely as it seems, “I feel offended and hurt that you changed the spelling of my name for your son”? Well, isn’t it better to know that and then be able to do something about it, then to just continue worrying that he MIGHT be hurt?
I strongly doubt that he is in any way offended; based on what you’ve said, he seems delighted. BUT If he is in fact hurt, then you would have several options: you could simply apologize for causing him any distress and explain your reasoning, and that might be enough for both of you. You could also ask your wife if, among members of your side of the family, you could spell the name Deane – kind of like a little family nickname, and when you sent cards etc to your grandfather, you could use that spelling.
I think ANY action you take here would be better than just silently worrying about it. I do hope that your therapist is helping you through this, and that you can eventually move past it and enjoy your little boy, regardless of his name. Best wishes to your and your family.
I used to obsess that my baby was too hot in her swaddle. Then I used to obsess all night long that she was too cold. I couldn’t sleep. I was making my husband get up every hour in the night to check that she as okay. Well, guess what? I was utterly depressed and an antidepressant changed my life. If you are really this torn up about something like this, seeks as much help as you can get.
[Disclaimer: Commenter is not an actual parental unit.] Becoming a parent is a life-changing, scary thing. And as a dad, it sounds like you were worried not just about your child, but about your wife as well, and I’m guessing there just hasn’t been time or space to process the whole “Holy crap, we’ve brought someone into the world” experience. Throw in bone-tiredness and insufficient sleep and it’s a wonder anybody gets through it. I’m very glad you’re getting help and support. Sometimes writing it out can be very useful in unpacking layers of pent-up feelings–I call it writing my way out of a paper bag. Best of luck to you. You did great naming your son and I hope you are enjoying being his dad.
I think it’s great that your grandfather has a name that can be used, period! I have quite a few wonderful men named Donald in my family and even if I ADDED an e, the name Donald is just a bit of a burden on a young boy (my husband experienced this firsthand) and we’re agreed that it won’t be used despite the considerable honoring potential. Sometimes these things just don’t play out absolutely perfectly. And that’s ok. You were able to maintain the integrity of your grandfather’s name in the dashing “Dean”, omitting the letter does not make your heartfelt attempt to honor him any less sincere. He is probably tickled pink that he has a little namesake crawling around, and one who won’t suffer the same difficulties with spelling that he did. Whether you named your son Deane or Dean or Dane or even Donald, if your intention with the name was to “honor Grandpa Deane” then that’s an honor name. The honor is in your intentions, not your strict adherence to non-existant rules of honoring. Honorees appreciate your intentions!
I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time. I really truly hope you are able to get passed it so you can enjoy watching your child flourish without your depression weighing you down. In the meantime, I would just try and love Dean as your son’s name. Separate from the honor that it was. Remember the characteristics that drew you to your decision to use it without the e in the first place and hold onto those, letting your fears about making a mistake take the backseat for a while. Maybe find a hidden solution in his current name to make yourself feel better for now. Is there an “e” anywhere in there? Can he be DeanE-lliot? Dean(jos)e(ph)? What if the roles were reversed and it was YOU who had been named Dean without the e? Would you feel a connection to your Grandpa simply knowing that you were named after him? I think I would.
These are all strategies I use with my own choices. The trick is to get to a point where it is not so terribly important that you chose the absolute right name, but that you gave your child a GOOD name that will serve them well through life. That’s all anyone can expect of parents, and I assure you Dean is a wonderful name that your son will make his own. Tell him he was named after his grandfather. I was name BY my grandfather and even when I went through the “hating my name” phase I couldn’t hate it entirely because Grandpa picked it.
My contribution to this is that I HATE my son’s middle name. I HATE IT. I have NEVER liked that name but because life is quirky and doesn’t give a crap about my feelings, I ended up naming my son the one name I swore I would not. You know what? It’s NO BIG DEAL, now. He’s 10. I love him. I’d love him if his name was shithead (which sometimes it should be). I would love him if he was adopted and I had no input into his name. He’s mine. I don’t like his middle name but it’s an honor name and that is more important than my feelings about his middle name. The reasons we chose that for his middle name remain valid and relevant ten years later. Also, we chose (with my daughter) to not continue a naming tradition that started with my great-grandmother and was passed down to the first daughter. We didn’t want my daughter to have the same name as her mother and grandmother. So we didn’t continue it. And EVERYBODY was upset and my mother was downright pissed off. But you know what? She got over it and it’s no big deal. Not even a consideration any more.
The reasons you chose the spelling the way you did remain valid. The thoughts that you are having are not based on logic but emotion and you seem to be the only one who is worried about this.
Also, incidentally, my best friend realized at about age 10 that the way her parents spelled her name was “incorrect” to her (Chayanne versus Cheyenne). So she just changed the way she spelled it. She didn’t change it legally because she doesn’t care enough to fork over the money to have it changed so she has to remember to spell it like it is on her birth certificate when signing anything legally. But it was YEARS after our friendship started that she even thought to tell me that. I guess my point is that despite our emotions/regrets, the decisions made using sound logic usually remain logical. And WE attach feelings and emotions to these sorts of things. And also, we angst over these things that seem SO VERY IMPORTANT and those damn kids can go and change it however they want. Enjoy your son. And his name.
I am so very sorry you are going though this! I don’t think your problem is at all unusual and you are not alone. I also don’t believe that this has anything to do with your sweet baby’s name. The name is just the manifestation of the depression you are going through. My husband went through something very similar after our child was born. He wasn’t obsessing over the name but something else. I am so glad that you are getting some help and pray that you will find some peace:-)
Having a baby is hard and feels impossible some days. I promise it gets better!!
When reading this I had a hard time believing that the emails were not a joke. If they are legitimate, I think this person must have deeper seeded psychological issues and needs to seek counseling and perhaps medical treatment… I can’t imagine that name regret would cause this extent of issues, and I’d be willing to bet his wife would be relieved if he would seek counseling and treatment.
I wondered the exact same thing when reading the e-mails. I just didn’t want to be the first to say it!
If this is legitimate: my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for 2 1/2 years now, to no avail. Look down at your sweet baby Dean and be thankful for him, whether he is named Dean or Deane or any other name! He is what matters, not his name.
I would like to add this as well (and I too am not totally sure whether this is a genuine post or not but for now, I will assume it is)….I thought a lot about my daughter’s name. I agonised over it and was worried I would choose the “wrong” thing. I wrote list after list and got advice from every baby name site, including this one. We went to the hospital with two names but I still wasn’t sure. As it turned out, my perfect pregnancy turned into a horrible labor, and everything went wrong. My daughter was stillborn, resuscitated for 22 minutes, brought back to life and suffered brain damage. Her name was chosen by her father who had to put something on her NICU bracelet but wasn’t too fussed about what because we thought she would die. When she didn’t die, we were told she would be severely disabled. She is now 2 and thriving…she has made a miraculous recovery. Do you think I have spent one second of her life worrying about whether or not she has the “right” name? No, because she’s here and healthy and that is literally all that matters. Her name is perfect not because it has an e at the end or contains my mother in laws name or even because its the name of a legendary warrior queen. its perfect because it is the name of an amazing little girl who fought to be here. I don’t mean to downplay your grief because its obviously very real to you and therefore valid, but seriously, it is such an unbelievable waste of energy and focus. I hope you find a way out of it soon.
I love thinking about baby names (obviously, which is why I visit this site), and spent SO MUCH TIME agonizing over the “perfect name” for my baby when I was pregnant. But one thing that has become very clear to me is that there is no right or wrong choice when it comes to naming your child. Nobody will ever say, “you made the right choice”, because there IS no right choice. A thoughtful choice? Sure. A stylish choice? Possibly. A meaningful choice? Yes. But THE right choice? Nope. On the flip side, there really are no wrong choices either. Even on the “worst” end of the spectrum (North West, for example), it really wasn’t a wrong choice to give that name to a baby. It was given with thought and enthusiasm. Being the recipient of an “interesting” name situation, I can say that my given name has not had a significant impact on who I am as a person. If my name had been Ashley or Jennifer or Rumba or Salsa I would probably be 99.9% of the same person I am today. Maybe I’d have some different life experiences, but I doubt I’d be any happier, sadder, quirkier, proactive, lazier, reflective, etc. if I had a different name. At the end of my life (and I’m assuming here,
but really – I’d think at the end of anybody’s life), I doubt I’d say “my life would have been so much better/worse if only my name were different”. Giving a child a name is so much more about the parents than the child…it is a reflection of the thoughts, hopes, and style preference of the PARENTS, not the child. The child simply ends up responding to that name, usually without giving it much thought. Dean will be Dean, even if he was almost Deane. Or Steve. Or Brian. Or any other name. And your grandfather will be Deane, and will (it sounds like) continue to be pleased by the name you chose for your son.
On another note, from my armchair, I agree that it sounds like there is more going on here than baby name regret. My husband had some issues during my pregnancy and after our baby arrived that I had never considered or heard of other fathers experiencing. To the point of me thinking, is this….REAL? It was real, and even though we are ridiculously average and normal people, it happened. I think it’s great that you’re in therapy. There are times when therapy is a great thing for average, normal people dealing with unexpected and odd situations.