A. writes:
We have a four year old daughter and a six month old son and though we are not currently expecting, do plan to try for another once the baby is one or so. We hope to have four children total.
My question is regarding an honour name. Both our kids have honour names for their middles – our son has his dad’s first name in the middle spot and our daughter has a double-barrelled middle that covers both grandmas.
If we have another daughter, I have a great aunt I would love to honour. She’s my late grandfather’s only sibling and never had children of her own. Her husband has children but they were adults and out of the house for years (possibly decades?) before my aunt and uncle married. My aunt is an amazing woman who was almost like a bonus grandma to all of her brother’s grandchildren. Her name is Betty and as far as I know, she has never gone by anything else except occasionally Bette.
Sounds easy, right?
Well. My husband has an uncle with whom he was very close as a boy. This uncle was the strongest (and practically only) male figure in my husband’s life. Then, he got married. His wife is well known in the family for causing drama, acting spoiled and just generally being bat-dung crazy. Over time, the uncle also changed drastically and now has a terrible relationship with my husband. They don’t speak and have nearly come to blows. Their family will not attend any family functions if we are there, do to some blown way out of proportion slight from a decade ago. My husband basically washed his hands of it and wants nothing to do with them. And guess what the wife’s name is?
Yup. Betty.
My husband is therefore 100% not okay with it for a daughter, even in the middle spot. So now I’m a bit sad.
Elizabeth alone doesn’t work for me. It’s too common of a middle name choice to feel like a real honour name when my aunt has never used it. I don’t like the idea of some other variant either because again, it’s not my aunt’s name. I’ve considered asking her what she would have named a daughter and maybe using that?
I considered her last name but her current one is my uncle’s and isn’t one that I really associate with her identity. Her maiden name is actually my maiden name and isn’t really suited to be used as a middle (it’s LONG) and also, doesn’t obviously connect the honour to her so much as it seems like I’d be honouring my father or grandfather.
Should I just let it go? Do you have any great ideas that I’m overlooking?
I think the “having a great person to honor” + “can’t use their name” is one of the saddest roadblocks to run into in baby-naming. But it definitely sounds like the name Betty is out, and I agree with your feelings about the other options.
Here is how I comfort myself in such situations: Using someone’s name for a child is a great way to honor them and tell them how you feel about them—but it’s not the ONLY way. If you haven’t already done so, I’d suggest writing her a letter telling her you wanted badly to use her name but couldn’t because of an unfortunate coincidence, and also telling her all the things you wanted to communicate to her by the use of her name. If you don’t already have one, you could also add a framed picture of her to your house: this would remind you frequently of her, as using her name would have.
Another idea would be to let her choose the child’s middle name. It’s a bit risky (what if she chooses a name you hate?), but would be a big honor and would keep her in the naming story: “My great-aunt chose that name. She was an amazing woman who…” etc.
What about middle names? If your Betty is actually Betty Rose and his is Betty Sue (or whatever), Rose is a link to Good Betty but unrelated to Evil Betty.
I think asking her to choose a name is a good idea, and it would make a lovely story.
I love the idea of letting her choose the middle!
I also love the idea of letting her chose the middle name. Even if it was a name you previously didn’t like, it would have so much meaning and would be in the middle spot so I wouldn’t be used every day.
You could always ask her for a couple of suggestions for middle names. That way you retain some control but you’ll still have the lovely story.
I was going to suggest this as well. Have her give you a few names and that way you still pick it, but it was her idea.
I’d echo the suggestion about Good Betty’s middle. Is it usable?
You might try asking her if her parents had a family nickname for her. For example, my mother was the only person who ever called me Betsy. It’s worth a shot.
As an alternative to Elizabeth, but still to include “bet”, how about one of the following international variations: Elizabet/Elizabette or Elisabetta? All are beautiful, uncommon names, but they will allow you to honor your great aunt without creating a negative association with your husband’s aunt.
I love the idea of letting her choose the middle. I also like the idea of using her middle name. I share a middle name with my grandmother, and it has always been a Big Deal to her.
What a great idea to let her choose the middle name! That would be a great way to honour your great-aunt!
What about using Bee for her initial? If she has a mn (say Rosemary) you could use both, like Elisa Bee Rosemary.
Otherwise talking to her about it would be great or find out from her or other relatives if she had any special nicknames.
I think there are ways of using honour names that don’t involve directly naming the child after the honouree. For example:
My middle name is Elizabeth and it’s an honour name. My mom’s amazing grandmother died before I was born. Her name was Ethel- it was supposed to be Elizabeth but her parents changed it at the last minute to honour a great aunt Ethel. My Great Grandma hated her name and always wished it was Elizabeth. So, when I was born my parents chose Elizabeth to honour her. I kind of like the way it turned out- it’s not a direct honour name but it has a great story behind it and I kind of like the fact that it’s a name my Great Grandma thought a lot about and really loved it.
You obviously can’t use Betty at all but maybe you could find an “indirect” honour name like mine? I really like the idea of asking your aunt what names she likes/what names she would use for a daughter. Even though she won’t be able to say “I was named after my amazing great aunt Betty” she could say “My great aunt Betty helped my parents pick out my name.” My best friend’s grandmother picked out her first name (not in a pushy way) and it’s something that’s very dear to her now as an adult.
All of this to say, it’s really disappointing that you can’t use Betty but I think there are other ways to involve your aunt in the naming process so that she and your future daughter would have a special name connection.
I like the idea of letting her choose a name a lot, especially since she never had children. She’s never gotten to help name a human being and now she can. It has the added bonus of working whether your next child is a girl or a boy.
Yes! That’s a great point. It would be so sweet and a lovely story. This is my favorite option!
Or, use Good Aunt Betty’s middle name.
I like the idea of involving her in the name choice. The other thing I wonder is if there’s maybe something else about her that could be used as a name? Like a virtue name that you think encompasses her? Or something she loves that could work as a name?
(For example, I don’t plan to do this, but if I wanted to honor my mother with a name I would never use her actual name–Syd–because she hates it, and she doesn’t have a middle name. But, she is absolutely obsessed with the color blue and is known for her love of blue and considers her love of blue to be a fundamental part of her identity. So, if I wanted to honor her with a middle name I would use Azul, and obviously tell my mother that it was in her honor. I know it’s a long shot but just wanted to throw it out there in case there is something about Great Aunt Betty that lends itself to a name. Like maybe she’s known for her love of a particular flower or something? And the flower name could work as a middle name?)
I had the same thought about using something intrinsic to the person! My daughter’s middle name is Rose. My husband has always had a huge connection with roses. He used roses in poems and song lyrics for symbolism, he had huge paintings of roses, and used roses as identifying nicknames (like usernames and such). As you might imagine, our courtship was full of roses- in his poetry to me, in glass rose statues, in bouquets, in this incredibly sweet little ceremonious way he chose to tell me he loved me for the first time (a reason why with each petal), etc. I never would have named her Rose if roses weren’t a huge part of him (too common a middle name). Your blue example with your mom is perfect too. Maybe there is something about Aunt Betty that defines her in a big way?
Love Swistle’s idea of letting the Good Betty choose the middle name. It’s a risk, but you love her, so I doubt you’d hate the name she picked– it would be colored by her choosing it.
On the other hand, if I were in your shoes I would go with Elizabeth as a full name and I would use it in the first name spot (maybe with a second honor name, if you have a fitting one, to match your older daughter, as a double barrel option). What name has more nickname options than Elizabeth? It’s a gift compared to this same situation with the (full) name in question being, say, Louise or Rachel or Jane. With Elizabeth, you would still be honoring Good Betty but you could call your child another Elizabeth nickname– maybe Betsy, Bess, Libby, Lilibet, Lisbeth, Liz, Lizzie, Lily (my great-grandmother’s nickname, full name Elizabeth), Ellie, Elsie, Eliza, Izzy, Beth, Ettie, Zippy, Bethan, Tibby, Elspeth, Ibby… There are so many Elizabeth nicknames! I recently read a great children’s book, The Penderwicks by Jeanne Birdsall, in which there is a young Elizabeth with the nickname Batty, which is wacky but adorable.
I know you said in your letter that using Elizabeth doesn’t feel like a tribute because your aunt is so completely Betty, and because you think Elizabeth is too common (as a middle name choice). It is common, but with so many nicknames it can still function in an unusual capacity. AND it is an utter classic, which makes it never boring. I urge you to reconsider your dismissal of Elizabeth as a possibility. Maybe you can approach the whole issue with your Great Aunt? Explain the Bad Betty, your husband’s thoughts, etc., then ask how she would feel about Elizabeth with a non-Betty nn as an honor name instead? Of course, you can’t mention this possibility to her unless you are 100% ready to commit to a future Elizabeth (and it sounds like you’re not).
Otherwise, if you are set on another first name and an honor middle, let Good Betty pick the middle. (You never know, she might even pick Elizabeth…)
Hmm, I just reread your letter and understand now that your daughter has a double barrel MIDDLE, not double-barrel first. Well– I guess it might be odd to use Elizabeth as a first name after not using honor first names earlier, but on the other hand I still like the idea…
But I do think Swistle’s suggestion of letting Betty herself pick the middle name is the best option suggested so far!
Or what about something like Betsy? It’s got the same sort of sound as Betty and isn’t as common of a middle name as something like Elizabeth.
Wish your husband would bend. I like the suggestions of Betta and Bee. I like Bibi, too.
WHAT ABOUT BETTE? USE BETTE! IT’S GORGEOUS!
Did evil Betty ever go by Bette? If not, I’d use it! It has a different enough sound and feel from Betty, assuming again that there is no association with the evil Betty.
Agree!
I am scared of letting someone choose a name, but if you’re not, I think that is a good solution. I wonder if you’d consider using Antoinette or Antonia? I guess it depends on where you’re from, but I say ‘ant’ for ‘aunt’ and maybe that would be a good way to honor your aunt with a beautiful name that would make you think of her every time you said it? Or, depending on your heritage, maybe Zia Or Tia? Best of luck!
I love the idea of letting her choose the middle, girl or boy!
What about her middle name?
Regarding her choosing a name, you could always ask her to pick three names she loves and choose one of them so it’s not a name you hate or vice versa, pick three names you love and ask her to pick. Either way she is part of the naming. :)
You could also do a favorite something of hers that was important in her life. Favorite flower. Favorite character from a book. Beloved pet. Meaningful symbol.
How about Bethany? Bevin? Or ask for her ideas and you choose one or a variation of one, rather than letting her just pick the name. Or go w/ a hobby or sentiment of hers-for example, Violet or Rose for a gardener, Lyric or Viola for a musician; Ireland or India for someone who loves to travel; Skye or Willow for a lover of nature; Eve or Magdeline for someone religious, Minnie or Daisy for a Disney lover, Sage or Olive for someone who loves to cook! You get the idea… it’s about the connection, plus will make for a great naming story!!